The Goldbergs s02e04 Episode Script

Growing up, my mom was many things, but cool was definitely not one of them.
She would seriously leave the house like that.
You're not seriously gonna leave the house like that, are you? Of course not.
She was an absolute stickler for her uncool rules Curfew is 11:00.
It's 11:04.
Even the way she worried about us was uncool.
Do you know what could happen in four minutes? You could drown, choke, eat poison berries.
And if any of that happens, then I have failed as a mother.
But the most uncool thing of all was how much our mom loved us.
I made these people me.
I made them with my body.
Oh! There's this one now.
Hey, Erica, it's your mom.
Erica, it's your mother! Hi, Erica and Erica's friends! - Oh, my God.
Mom, what are you wearing? - Isn't this adorable? That kiosk uses technology to put memories on a t-shirt.
It's totally cool.
Oh, Jill, look.
There's your mom, too.
Louise! Louise Rubin the cool mom.
There's always one hip, youthful, and wouldn't be caught dead in a shirt with her kids' faces on it.
Yep, she was the Anti-Beverly.
Oh, look what you've got on.
Oh.
What are the chances, huh? Are you here to celebrate Choctoberfest at the Fudge Emporium, too? Nope.
Just hanging with the girls.
- Which girls? - These girls.
We just did our nails.
Oh So, you drove them here and had to wait in the car - while they enjoyed themselves, huh? - Mom, she's hanging with us, okay? We're here to get the new Madonna album.
- don't you just love - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
When you said you were going to the mall with your friend Louise, I thought that meant a girl from your class, not Mrs.
Rubin.
Ugh, I don't want them to call me that.
It makes me feel like such a mom, you know? Ohh, pfft.
Yeah.
That's why I like Erica's friends to call me Bev.
Sounds good, Bev.
Don't like it.
Go back.
Okay, this was fun.
See you at dinner? Yep.
Got to fix some din-din.
Hmm.
Chicken's not gonna pot-pie itself, know what I'm sayin'? Cool.
Nice catching up, Bev.
Okay, see you on the fliflop! The nerve of that woman, cold chillin' with my daughter at the mall.
Erica should be cold chillin' with me, not her! What are you talking about? You cold chill with Erica all the time.
No.
I only feed her soup when she's sick and give her boric-acid drops when she's got pinkeye.
I'm in the trenches doing the important, boring stuff.
But when it comes time for fun, well, she heads straight to Louise Rubin.
Wait.
We're talking about Louise Rubin here? Oh, she's the coolest.
- What? - Yeah! She'll cut the top off her shirt just to show her shoulder.
Well, I can do that.
See? I'm just as cool as the next mom.
- W-what are you doing? - I'm trying to expose my shoulder! Poop.
I just stretched it out.
Stop stretching your sweater.
- Okay.
- Stop! Well, I got to stretch my sweater out so I can show my shoulder.
- Mm-hmm-hmm.
- Why won't you stop?! I don't know why you can't stop, but you need to stop! It was October 22, 1980-something, and I was spending the night with my Apple II Plus.
It had a whopping 16k of RAM, Dot Matrix printer, 32-bit color graphics, and badass, thrill-a-minute video games like "Oregon Trail.
" Balls! While I spent time with my computer, Barry was hanging with his new crew of dudes.
They called themselves the "Jenkintown Posse" - JTP! - JTP! JTP for short.
They were older, cooler, and lived on the edge.
There was Jeff Schwartz, the madman Potato chips on a sandwich? I'm crazy! Andy Cogan, the ladies man who never let his height get in the way.
Can a brother get a steppin' stool? And "Naked Rob," one of those dudes who loved getting nude.
This tank top's chafing me.
I got to take it off.
- Don't! Come on.
- Yo.
What you wild cats up to tonight? Whatever it is, you know it'll involve some ladies! Aah! - How many ladies? - So many it's gonna be crazy! Oh, man.
How crazy? So crazy someone may get in-jured! - Yo, baby! It's on, baby! - Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Details! Name some of the crazy stuff you guys did! You know how our school's always trying to get their hands on Germantown High mascot? You stole Frankie the Falcon?! W-well, I mean, not yet.
But once we do it, we'll be kings of the school.
JTP! JTP! JTP! JTP! - JTP! - Dude You can't say "JTP" unless you're in the JTP.
A man could only dream.
JTP out! To the JTP, I was just a nerd obsessed with computers.
That all changed the day "Porky's II" was sold out and they were forced to see "Wargames," a movie about a kid who hacks his way to better grades and almost blows up the world.
_ Suddenly, they all realized that computer were awesome! Dude! I just saw the best movie ever! "Wargames.
" All this time, I thought computers were for lazy-eyed losers like you, but they're actually badass.
- Thank you? - Can you do any of that stuff? I can make you a really sweet banner.
I have print shop.
Can you start a global thermonuclear war on this thing? - Probably.
- Don't do it! There is no winner.
What else? But what about hacking the school? Can you change my grades? Well, I would if I was in the JTP.
Uh, it'll take some convincing 'cause the guys all think you suck, but I'll make it happen.
Welcome to the Jenkintown Posse.
While I was one step closer to coolness, - my mom was about to take 50 steps back.
- Stop, stop.
'Sup, ladies? Why are you dressed like a giant doily? Just expressing myself like our gal Madonna.
Mom, that's "El" debarge.
He's a dude.
And since when do you like Madonna, anyway? Oh, since I heard her rockin' song about staying a virgin.
It's very cool to wait.
Is that my sixth-grade tutu? Mom, why What are you doing with your hips? Stop it with your hips.
Why are you moving your hips like that? No, mom, stop.
Well, I just want to hang out with my girls, right? Um, what do you say we, uh, read some teen magazines and gossip about boys? I'll go first.
I like Murray.
You go, Lainey.
Uh, you smudged your beauty mark all over your upper lip.
Okay, you need to go.
Come on.
What? You let Louise Rubin hang out.
Why not the Bevernator? I'm fun, too! Of course you are, just not hang-out fun More like a "I have a freckle and I need you to tell me if it's worth being looked at by a dermatologist" kind of fun.
Every freckle is worth being looked at by a dermatologist.
Why don't you schedule an appointment for next weekend? We can hang-out then, okay? Yeah.
Madonna was a bust, so my mom went to plan "B" Dermatology.
No, I can't wait six weeks to see Dr.
Krogen! He's the last chance I have to bond with my daughter.
Please don't take this away from me! I'm begging you! This sad display made the impossible happen My dad got off his ass.
Good news your gonna hang with your mom tomorrow.
No freaking way.
Oh, yes freaking way.
Or else all the things I don't care about, I'm gonna start having strong opinions on, like your allowance Gone! No! Curfew? 6:00 P.
M.
- What? - Skirt length? - No skirts! - What? Just pants with pleats.
Not the pleats.
Oh-ho.
Pleats a plenty.
Your mom is upstairs hurting, and I can't bear to watch it.
So what's it gonna be? As my sister was facing a night with my mom, I was facing the reality of what hacking was in the '80s Impossible.
Whoa! This phone is sick or something.
Hang up! I-I'm trying to hack! This is a nightme.
I mean, I'm starting to think a major motion picture has lied to me about the capabilities of home computers.
O-okay, relax.
How can I help? You can't! I'll never be in the JTP! Come on, Adam.
You're a great kid.
Those guys will learn to love you if you just be yourself.
Wait.
Learning.
- That's it! You're a genius! - Really? I-I just said some pat things to make you feel better, but I'll take it.
If Barry and his friends wanted me to hack, that was exactly what I'd do Hack their brains.
Access granted.
We're in.
- Yes! Awesome! - Sweet! Okay, in order for me to hack your grades, I'll need to go in and input all the data that'll be on your test.
- Wait, why would you have to do that if - No time to argue! Jeff Schwartz, which significant historical event occurred in October, 1929? Um The stock market crashed.
Naked Rob, verify.
He's right.
He's right.
Uh, it ended the jazz age and began the great depression.
Andy Cogan, what did President Roosevelt call his program to jump-start the economy? - The new deal, enacted in 1933.
- Okay, open your books to chapter 2.
Go, go, go! Let's hack.
Ooh.
No, Naked Rob's right.
It was Plessy vs.
Ferguson.
So awesome we didn't have to learn this crap for the test.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They weren't a smart crew, but now they were my crew.
Wow.
That is a cauldron of cheese.
I read about it in Tiger Beat.
They say "fondue equals fun-due!" Do they? So, let's go wild, huh? Uh oh! Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah, aah! Hot, hot, hot! Hot! Aah, aah, aah, aah! Excuse me? I'd like to report some unsafe cheese.
What if someone tried to feed that to an infant or a dog? Mom, look who it is! What a coincidence! Erica, Mrs.
Goldberg, what are you guys doing here? Just hangin', not in like a mother-daughter way, but more of like in a girlfriends way.
Isn't that cool? Totally.
Speaking of cool, we're gonna go volunteer at the soup kitchen for extra credit.
Wait a minute, Erica.
Don't you need some extra credit? Thanks for looking out, Jill.
You're such a good friend.
Wow.
Extra credit.
You should definitely do that.
Say, what's the name of this soup kitchen? Um Helping hands, uh Feeding needy mens and a lady who is also hungry.
We should go.
Yeah.
You tried to ditch me? - My own daughter? - Yes! The only reason I'm here is because dad forced me.
Well, I'll tell you what, buttercup As of now, I'm ditching you.
What? You can't ditch me.
- Oh, you've been ditched.
- Uh, no.
I'm the ditcher here, not you.
Well, the ditch got switched.
I will not be ditched.
The ditch is done.
The moment had finally come.
The JTP had accepted me into their fold.
It was time to see how the other half lived.
- Aah! Brain freeze! - We're insane! Yeah.
Turns out, the other half lived like a bunch of idiots.
Ow! Dude, that hurt so bad.
That was awesome.
Yeah? Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- Uh, no, man! Your feet and hands should be in sync.
Go! Go! Naked Rob doing what he do! Yeah! Oh, my God! Guys, I just found a toaster in the trash can.
Sweet! Let me throw it up in the air! Oh! Yes! It's more broken now! Madman Schwartz strikes again! The guys promised me girls and stolen mascots, but all I got was 6% dumber.
- Hey, dad.
- Bevy? I thought you'd be elbow deep in some hot cheese by now.
Erica cannot even cold chill with me a single night.
Be honest with me Am I the lamest person on the planet? Uh Let's get you a drink.
Ray.
Relax, Bevy.
You don't need to be cool.
That's what you got me for.
But I want to be.
Teach me to be cool, daddy? No can do.
You either got it, or you don't.
'Sup, baby? But, hey, that doesn't mean that you can't have a good time.
Well, I've been trying to have a good time all day, which is why I ate all the cheese Which is sitting like a rock, by the way.
Well, that's your problem, honey you try too hard.
You want fun? Well, buckle up, old man.
Ooh.
Pops was right it was time for Beverly Goldberg to care less and drink more.
- Or just stick to Daiquiris.
- That was fun.
Dude! You're our hero! What? Why? Because the hacking worked! We just found out we got B's on our history test.
It's awesome! We got a bio test on Monday.
Let's get hacking.
I'd love to help, but this game doesn't have a saving function.
If I quit now, I-I'd lose my place.
Then lose your stupid place.
Oh, my God! How clueless can you guys be? Shut up and hack for your posse! Hacking isn't real.
- What?! - Then how did we get B's? 'Cause I actually tricked you boneheads into studying.
Whoa.
You taught us? That's so messed up, dude.
Yeah, we trusted you and you lied to us like Senator McCarthy lied to congress about the threat of communism in 1953.
And, oh, my God, why do I know this?! We were right about you, man.
You're just a nerd.
I'm a nerd? Well, what about you putzes? All you guys do is hang around in a parking lot hiding from girls.
I mean, the craziest thing that happened was Jeff Schwartz ate a hoagie! In 20 seconds! Like a madman! He ate dinner, Barry.
He ate dinner! You take that back! That's it.
We're kicking you both out of the JTP forever.
What?! Why me?! Uh, because he's your brother and he just shined a light on us that makes us question everything! You can't kick me out.
I'm the founding member.
Yeah, and now you're banned, like how the Volstead act banned alcohol from the country in 1919.
- It's 1920, bro.
- Good catch, bro.
JTP out.
Thanks a lot! While Barry went to bed angry at me, my sister was wide awake and about to learn what it felt like to be a worried, uncool mother.
Where have you been?! I've been worried sick about you! Do you have any idea what time it is?! Yes.
It's time to boogie.
O-okay, honey, you've done enough bogeying for one night.
Oh, my God.
She's drunk.
You are such a bad influence.
Come on.
Be cool about this.
It is not my job to be cool.
You are not hanging out with her again.
Understood? Wait, this is important.
This is important.
What? I love you, too, mommy.
Okay, you can handle it from here.
I got a meter running.
Woof.
Okay, she is a train wreck.
Please do not leave me alone with her.
Your mother's taken care of you your whole life.
The least you can do is take care of her for one night.
Yeah! And you know what else? Whoo-whoo.
Mom, I want waffles.
Mom, waffles.
Mom, waffles.
Mom, waffles, mom, waffles, mom, waffles.
Hey, get away! I just got her down.
I got you covered in here, big guy! "I am sor"? It's supposed to say "sorry.
" I ran out of ink, and even this took me an hour to print.
I made waffles.
Your apology's not accepted! You made me lose my crew! Okay, so maybe we weren't the coolest, and madman Jeff Schwartz isn't that crazy, and Naked Rob's got real problems, but I don't know.
I've never had close friends before.
- Then you just got to make it up to them.
- How?! We do the one thing the JTP never had the guts to do Steal the Germantown mascot.
Radical! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Class started five minutes ago.
Here you go, my good man.
Slow down! You're making it nervous! This is awesome! Not awesome! I thought you were stealing a costume, not a real freaking falcon! Oh, crap! Good morning, sunshine.
Feel as good as you look? I am so sorry about last night.
I hope I didn't do anything too embarrassing.
Well, you cried and said "I love you" a lot, so no different from normal.
What was I thinking? You were thinking that I'm awful for trying to ditch you.
No.
You're wonderful.
You took care of your mom all night long.
Hey, that was just for one night, and I wanted to die.
Somehow, you do it every day for all of us, and that's actually pretty cool.
I love you so much.
Are you still drunk? - Just buzzed.
- But every "I love you" is for real.
Dude, Goldberg stole the Germantown High mascot.
Couldn't have done it alone, Ari.
This was the work of the JTP.
JTP, JTP, JTP! JTP, JTP, JTP, JTP, JTP! Yep, with a little help from me and Apple II Plus, Barry was back in the JTP.
Why do they make him wear this stupid bird hat anyway? JTP! JTP! That's the thing about family.
They may not be the coolest cats on the planet, but they're always there to take care of you when you need them most.
Hey, what you up to? Mom got a new toaster.
Thought I'd maybe call the JTP.
- And we'd have some fun.
- Cool.
Actually, you know what would be even more fun? If just you and me broke it together.
Just us? Are you serious? As serious as Truman was about the Taft-Hartley act.
Friends may come and go, but when it comes to family, they'll always be there, watching over you.
Number one, dad.
He's number one.
You're stewed, buttwad.
That's from "weird science.
" Ahh! So we can look back in a hundred years from now and say, "hey, we had a great life.
" JTP, JTP! You know, I like little houses and big trees.
That's Guess what.
I went back to the photo kiosk at the mall.
And I scored you all some pretty sweet stuff.
For Murray, a tie so we can be with you all day long at work.
I think you're missing the point of work.
For Adam, a pillow with my face so I can give you snuggies all night long.
Yes.
I'll sleep easy now.
For Barry, a big, tasty hat for your big, tasty head.
- Nice! - And finally, Erica.
I know you're all cool and would never wear any of these stuffs.
So I just got you cash.
Oh my God! I love you! What the hell is this? Bevbucks.
- You trade them for kisses.
- No.
- First one's free.
- Take it back.
- First one's free.
Gizzy, gizzy, gizzy.
- I don't want it.