The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson (2009) s02e04 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 4
1 Er, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise unreservedly.
Um, when I said that Britain should base its new nuclear power station in Wolverhampton city centre because if it blew up it would only improve the place, I was, of course, unaware that the rather gloriously buxom blonde journalist was recording my every word.
If only we had conducted the interview in the sauna, as I'd suggested.
Does Dane Bowers count? Then no.
Ulrika Jonsson.
Bet everyone says that.
One day I'll publish my diaries.
That'll shock a few people, I'll tell you.
Mr McPanlin, when did you last see Mr Donnelly? I can't remember.
I've just been so worried, like, I can't think straight.
It's all right, take your time.
Anything you can remember could be of help.
Look, we need to establish a timeline leading back to the disappearance.
Now, where were you when you last saw him? I was over here.
I was chatting to Dec, and then I turned round, and when I turned back he was gone.
He'd completely vanished.
Oh, Dec! What have they done to yer? Is it possible that he just went through that door? What, without me? Don't be ridiculous.
TOILET FLUSHES All right? What's going on? Oh, Dec, you're alive! Dec! Oh.
Are you OK? Let me just look at your little face! I'm fine.
I've been so worried.
Where have you been? I've been in the toilet.
I've only been gone five minutes.
Mr McPanlin, you said you hadn't seen Mr Donnelly for ages.
I hadn't.
You heard him.
He said he'd been gone five minutes.
The longest we've ever been apart's 32 seconds, and that was my wedding night.
I fell out of the bed.
You don't report somebody missing when they've been gone for five minutes.
You two are going to have some serious questions to answer.
50's he! What have you been doing going to the toilet without me? Laying an egg! What do you think I was doing? But we always go to the toilet together.
I just wanted to go to the toilet on my own, once.
ls that too much to ask? Are you going to leave me? Ant, I'm not, I'm not.
Look, if you were that worried about me, why didn't you call me on my mobile phone? Mobile? What have you got a mobile phone for? To make calls.
To who? I'm here.
You'll be telling me you've got more than one Facebook friend next.
Oi! Right, you two can carry this on down at the station.
I'm taking you both in for wasting police time.
Can I go to the toilet before we leave? I thought you'd already been.
Yeah, well, the thing is, turns out I can't go when I'm on me own.
Ant? We'll be right back.
Mobile phone scams.
We talk to a three-year-old who was sold a phone that can't make calls and just plays nursery rhymes.
That's Watchdog.
So, Mr Hill, how can I be of help? I can't hear a thing, Doctor.
I think I've gone deaf.
There.
ls that any better? Oo, I'm cured.
It's a miracle.
Thank you, Doctor.
Now, how can I help? I think you should see him first.
I think he needs you more than I do.
Mr Hill, really, I'm very busy.
If you have a genuine ailment, I'll endeavour to cure it.
Otherwise, please vacate my surgery.
All right, Doctor.
Well, I do have a pain in the neck.
This pain in the neck, it wouldn't by any chance be me, would it? No, no, no.
No, Doctor, I really do have a bad pain in the neck.
Although she might have a point.
I've no idea how I got it.
Looks like a case for Quincy ME.
So, which side is hurting? The right side? No, the right side's fine.
The left side? That's right, not the right side, which leaves the left side.
Come on, people, keep up! Well, I think I might know what the problem is.
I'm all ears.
You've got whiplash, from looking over your left shoulder too quickly and too often.
Havel, Doctor? Ooh! I think she might be right, you know.
Your neck will need some extra support.
You'll need a stiff neck brace.
Or we could just do this.
No, I can no longer move my neck.
Job done.
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Zut alors.
Ah, je vous en prie, parlez un peu plus distinctement.
Je woo-dray ash-er-tay oon cart de pow-starl.
Do you mind not spitting in my face? It really is that simple.
Buy Learn French The Janet Street-Porter Way today, and get Boris Johnson Says Sorry In 500 Different Languages absolutely free.
Thank you for coming, Katie.
This is something of a delicate and personal matter.
How delicate and personal? Heat exclusive delicate and personal, Sun front page delicate and personal? It is a rather private matter.
Don't mind Phil.
He's just my cameraman.
He knows all my secrets.
So, yeah, you know OK.
Well, it's about your daughter, Princess.
Yeah.
I don't quite know how to put this.
Well go on, spit it out.
I could've got married twice in the time it's taken you.
I don't think she's doing her own work.
So are you accusing me of doing her homework for her? Clearly not, but obviously somebody's been doing her writing for her.
What's the problem with that? Somebody else is doing all the writing and she's just taking the credit.
What's the problem with that? Come on.
Um, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise unreservedly to the good people of Norwich.
When I said that a KFC family bucket in Norwich must be enormous as it would have to feed the entire city, I in no way meant to imply that there was one iota of in-breeding, which might, of course, be rich, coming, as it did, from yours truly.
Thank you.
I never date celebrities because they're vacuous and they're boring, and they don't ask me.
I was married to Trevor McDonald for 12 years.
I didn't have time to date them.
I was too busy planning the weddings.
Oo, there you are, here already, yeah.
Oo, better just save what I'm doing, yeah.
Important document.
Oh, error message.
Would I like to send an error report to Microsoft? Wouldn't have thought so.
I've got a few trillion of them to get through.
Anyway, Bill Gates, yeah.
Welcome to my empire.
"Empire".
Sounds a bit sinister.
Star Wars.
"Luke, I am your father".
Which is good news for you, cos I am the richest man on the planet.
So, this is Dawn.
Hey.
Hi, Dawn.
Dawn is our Front of House Welcome Executive.
Not really, she's just the receptionist, answering the phone, bit of donkey work, yeah.
Hee haw, hee haw.
PHONE RINGS Oh, oh, incoming, there's one.
Better get it.
"Hi, Microsoft Office, how can I help you this clay?" Oo.
Not the office phone.
Personal call.
Bit embarrassing.
Go on, get it.
Probably the boyfriend.
Go on, get it, promise I won't listen in.
Hello? Much.
Can I call you back later? Was that an iPhone? Awkward.
Apple.
Not one of mine.
Come on, you know the rules, hand it over.
Come on, hand it over.
Oh, look at me! I've got an iPhone, everyone.
Way-hey! Ooh! I've got an iPhone.
Tell you what, has it got a "make me a cup of tea" app? Hmm? Ooh, caramel macchiato, please? Ooo, don't think so, wey-hey! Can I have it back now, please? Suppose you've got an iPad as well.
Well that smartsa little.
Two large Meat Feast Supremes? What? I didn't order no pizza.
Well, it's your address, pal.
Well, I didn't order any.
Someone's winding you up, mate.
Who'd do that? It was me! I'm Bruno Tonioli, I'm a little bit cheeky.
Bruno pick up the phone and went, "I want two cheeky Meat Feast pizzas, pizza feller".
And you fell for it like a proper silly kiddie kipper.
Look at me, I'm so naughty, I must be punished.
Smacky om boom boom! I'm the cheekiest boy in the whole wide world and nobody can stop me! Ooh, catch me if you can, cheeky chumpies! Och, Mrs Young.
Your wee Kirsty is such a cutie.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, you are, yes, you are.
Hee hee.
Tonight on Crimewatch, we need your help to find a woman who's gone missing in the East Kilbride area.
Peekaboo! Hee hee hee.
Oh, no.
There she is.
A second woman has gone missing in the East Kilbride area.
She was last seen in the vicinity of this pram.
Peekaboo! Hee hee hee.
Oh, no, there she is.
Coming up next, a reconstruction of this morning's criminal mess in my nappies.
Oh! So, Dawn.
I have got an announcement to make.
Hmm? I've decided that here at the Microsoft Office, yeah, every Thursday is going to be Pudding Day.
OK.
And to get us started, I've made a jelly.
Hmm? It's an apple jelly.
Is that my iPhone? Don't worry, still works, it's set to vibrate.
Ha ha ha ha! No, wait, wait, you haven't seen your apple iTart.
She's loving it.
Home security.
How can you make your home safe from masked intruders like that bloke standing behind your sofa? Don't turn round! He's got a machete.
That's Watchdog.
Well, no, Jeremy.
Once again you're showing your complete ignorance of the automobile industry.
And don't you try and help him, Hammond.
Honestly, both of you are a disgrace to the presenting trade.
I mean, look at the best presenter chart.
There's me, right at the top.
And there's you two, right down near the bottom.
You're even behind the presenters of Bang Goes The Theory.
I'm sorry, what's that? What's Bang Goes The Theory? My point exactly! Honestly, if it wasn't for me, Top Gear would be dead and buried.
I carry you two lame-os.
Come on, May, we're on in an hour.
The studio's 100 yards away and you move slower than a snail on horse tranquillisers.
Coming, Mr Clarkson.
Hang on.
What's all this? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
This is supposed to be me, isn't it? No, no, it isn't.
And is this supposed to be me? Can't be.
Too big.
Hold on a Johnny sausage.
What's all this? May's done a kind of "presenter chart".
No, I haven't.
What's Bang Goes The Theory? This presenter chart is obviously upside down.
I appear to be near the bottom.
Yes, it is upside down.
By mistake.
No, it can't be.
That would make Justin Lee Collins top, and he has to be bottom.
May, you are sadder than the saddest clown in a circus that is going to close because it's so sad.
Head! I think I know what it's time for May to test-drive.
The 7.
6 Armitage Shanks turbo flush toilet.
Woof! Let's flush him! Well, to be fair, my hair did need a wash.
I can now see that that was highly inappropriate behaviour for a Buckingham Palace garden party, and I now appreciate that Her Majesty has been happily married for some quite considerable time.
My name is Miss Sophie Dahl, young, pretty, rich and almost able to boil an egg.
It was the clay of Whigfield's grand summer ball, the event of the season, and I had resolved that this evening I would turn from Miss Sophie Dahl into Mrs Fearnley-Whittingstall.
Under Miss Nigella's tutorage, I tried to apply myself.
No.
I cannot grasp it.
Is not my lovely hair enough? Assuredly, your hair is as lovely as my bottom is large, but no man will marry you, Miss Sophie, until you can cook.
Cooking, cooking! Surely this is a summer for love.
I shall be married within the month, and so should you! The shortest path to love is probably to be found through soup.
Show me again.
I shall pay attention.
Well, this is a simple fish soup, full of hearty goodness.
Firstly, obtain two red mullet.
Mmm.
My goodness! Who's that coming from the lake? Confounded horse! Bad attitude BLEEP horse.
BLEEP BLEEP.
It was the Reverend Gordon Ramsay.
He's as rough as a docker's beard.
BLEEP attitude BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.
He'd be perfect for you.
But what of the cooking? Oh, you do the cooking.
I'm off to butter up the fresh beefcake.
For you, of course.
Steven Gerrard, quite a turnaround there.
Did you say something to the lads at half-time? Er no, that's the gaffer's job.
Just tried to do my bit and lucky just got a couple of balls fall the right way and they went in the back of the net so that's good.
Very modest appraisal of your performance.
I have to ask, what's your position on the Elgin Marbles? Should they go back to Greece? A lot of people would say, you know, we've clone a good job looking after them when Greece wasn't able to.
But you know, some of the cleaning operations that we clone on the marbles back in the 1930s took a lot of the fine detail off them, and so maybe yeah, we should give them back.
I think it'd be a great boost to the Greek people, with all the economic difficulties, you know, they're going through.
Thanks again for your time, Stevie.
Yeah, right, thanks.
It's an 18th century parsonage with plenty of original features, three large bedrooms, two en-suite, and it has a dead body in the hallway.
First impressions? Sorry, what was that again? Three large bedrooms, two en-suite and a dead body in the hallway.
Yeah, well that might be a bit of a problem.
It is an old house.
You really can't expect all the bedrooms to be en-suite.
It's more the dead body.
I'm sensing a theme here.
Because despite the fact that the new build that we looked at was on the market at a very reasonable £300,000, you rejected it because you didn't like the blood stains on the walls.
Yeah.
Or the ceiling.
Ok, maybe Midsomer isn't the village for you.
The grand Whigfield summer ball attracted all of society.
Monsieur Novelli, the French ambassador.
Mr Stein, the fishmonger.
The eccentric Doctor Blumenthal, and fresh from gathering spices on the Dark Continent, the exotic Mr Harriott, whom I found in conversation with Mr Worrall Thompson, a local goblin.
Vnn unggg vnnn vnnn ungg.
I'm sorry, I can't Are you all right? Vnn ungg unggg vnnn ungg.
What's he saying? Your guess is as good as mine, love.
Ah, soup.
The perfect token of love.
But I was just going to give that to Vnnng vnnng vnnn ung ung ung! Are you all right, little goblin man? He's been mumbling for years.
I grasped the opportunity to make Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall mine.
Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall.
Perhaps you would care to try my latest soup? Great lord! I was of the impression that you were a kitchen dunce who knew not the recipe for ice.
But this soup is a most pleasant surprise.
What is in it? Oh, water and foods.
Miss Sophie, would you do me the honour of joining me in this first dance? Of course.
Marco Pierre, the wild gypsy chef! Come, my beauty.
Dance with me.
Unhand that young girl, you intercoursing bosom! Lookout, he's got a potato ricer.
Vnnng ung ung vnnn ung ung.
Ladies, look away, lest he remove his shin.
Begone from our sight, you great flamboyant buffoon.
Stay out, yeah? You're safe now, my dear, do you know that? You are strong, sir.
As strong as the paprika in a fearsome stroganoff.
Fornicating hell! Cookery talk, my kind of filly, do you know that? Let us dance.
An outcome that could only be described as delicious.
Er, I would like to apologise unreservedly to the inhabitants of the Vatican City.
When, on my recent visit, I asked "ls the Pope a Catholic?" I was in fact confirming my own fondness for pizza and in no way meant to question the integrity of His Holiness's deeply-held religious beliefs.
And may I add how nice it was to be in a country where nobody minds when you pinch the waitress's backside.
Thank you.
Now, Jennifer Aniston is one of my favourite fictional characters, the hopelessly romantic wannabe film star trapped in a cycle of making the same movie over and over and over and over and over and over again.
The actress who plays her is on the show tonight.
So hello, hello, welcome, welcome.
Yeah, um, sorry, Graham but, er, no, I really am Jennifer Aniston, the actress.
I'm confused.
This really is me.
And anyway, I do not make the same movie over and over again.
I mean, look at the difference between Marley And Me and oh, what's the one with the dog? That IS Marley And Me.
OK, what's the one with Owen Wilson? Oh, that's Marley And Me as well.
OK, look here, buster, I what's my line? I beg your pardon? Ha! Sorry, everyone.
Cut, I forgot my line.
I'm so ditzy.
You don't have any lines.
This is an interview.
Yeah, um, look Graham, do you mind dropping the silly voice while we're not shooting? Only this is meant to be a romantic comedy, and we really don't do method acting or, you know, acting.
This is not a movie, this is real life.
You've just made so many films where you play yourself you've forgotten how to tell the difference, haven't you? You have! And out! Could we please stick to the script? This movie is a romantic comedy where a young actress tries to seduce a TV presenter so could we lose the philosophy? Oh, and Graham, seriously, turn down the voice a notch.
No, this is the real me.
Isn't that my line? #You're stuck in a hole, and I want to come out.
# Please may I have a cheeseburger and a small Coke, please.
That's three pounds.
Thank you.
Please may I have a cheeseburger and a small Coke, please cheeseburger and a small Coke, please cheeseburger and a small Coke, please.
Uh oh, some chips, but I did not ask for any chips.
One won't hurt.
Hey, did you pay for those chips, our Mark? You're right, Gary, I didn't.
Well, just take them back to the nice man, and we'll say no more about it.
You're right, Gary, you're always right.
I will.
Good lad.
You all right, Mark? What do you think you're doing, mate? I'm taking these chips back, Robbie.
I did not pay for them.
Yeah, I bet Fatso told you to do that.
Didn't you, Fatso? Hey, I'm not fat no more! Fatso so much as looks at a bag of chips, he'll put on eight stone.
He'll end up looking like the lovechild of Vanessa Feltz and John Prescott.
Don't listen to him, Mark.
It's only a bag of chips, Gary.
It's a slippery slope.
Today, an extra bag of chips, tomorrow you'll be on the front page of the News Of The World for sleeping with half of Manchester.
Again.
And your point is? You're right, Gary.
lam taking them back.
Excuse me, where is the man that was here? Sorry, are you Mark Owen off of Take That? Yeah.
I think you're amazing! I'd do anything for you.
Go on, son.
Your missus will never know.
Like the other bloke says.
This was a company promising super-fast broadband connection for just £2 a month.
But what did customers who signed up actually get? They got super-fast broadband connection for £2 a month.
What can I say? We've had a slow week.
Come quickly, you've got to help, a man's fallen in the canal and he can't swim.
He's only got a few seconds.
By the Rosewood and Barge pub.
Well, it's not really a pub.
It's more of a restaurant.
You shouldn't be allowed to call yourself a pub unless you've got a darts team, coins in the urinal and a racist sitting at the bar.
Gastropubs, they call 'em.
Two things with gastro in the front, pub and enteritis.
Spend too long in one, you end up with the other.
Wonder if they have CASTROpubs in Cuba? Anyway What, the drowning man? Oh, he'll be a goner by now.
Anyway, I was in Cuba the other day Linda Barker is out and about looking at how to do up your living rooms for under £50.
Coming back to Holly and Phil in one minute Oh! Gasping for a cup of tea.
There will come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this any more.
Me and Holly, here together on the sofa.
I couldn't look at her, her words were just inane noises to me.
My mind was with Fern.
Always with Fern.
We can't go on meeting like this.
I know, but these moments together are all we have.
But you can never leave Holly and I'm I'm doing a new Lottery show with Winton.
Let's pretend.
Let's pretend we are together, showing the viewers how to cook a Moroccan chicken and how the A-line skin is making a comeback.
Stop it, stop it! You're a crazy fool.
I know.
It's just no-one can read an autocue like you.
Darling.
Now.
Here, I want to remember every minute with you.
Stand by studio for item 23.
Action.
Are verrucas a thing of the past? We'll be talking to Kate Thornton, but first, here's what's coming up in the next hour.
You were thinking about her again, weren't you? No.
No, I wasn't.
You were, I know you were.
She's not with you any more.
You're with me now.
Me.
I know, I'm committed to us, I promise.
Out of VT in 5 4 3 So until after this break, that's all from me and Fern Holly.
Phillip! Sorry.
Stevie, well played but looks like Rooney took quite a knock? Yeah, yeah, he's had a knock, you know, should be all right for Thursday.
That's good to hear.
What are your thoughts on genetically modified foods? We've got to go for it.
The world population keeps going up and there's not that much available landmass.
So I think we should get as much food out of it as we can, like.
What's so bad about genetically modified rice anyway? At the end of the clay, it's all going to get covered in curry.
Thank you, Stevie.
Right, thanks, yeah.
Um, when I said that Britain should base its new nuclear power station in Wolverhampton city centre because if it blew up it would only improve the place, I was, of course, unaware that the rather gloriously buxom blonde journalist was recording my every word.
If only we had conducted the interview in the sauna, as I'd suggested.
Does Dane Bowers count? Then no.
Ulrika Jonsson.
Bet everyone says that.
One day I'll publish my diaries.
That'll shock a few people, I'll tell you.
Mr McPanlin, when did you last see Mr Donnelly? I can't remember.
I've just been so worried, like, I can't think straight.
It's all right, take your time.
Anything you can remember could be of help.
Look, we need to establish a timeline leading back to the disappearance.
Now, where were you when you last saw him? I was over here.
I was chatting to Dec, and then I turned round, and when I turned back he was gone.
He'd completely vanished.
Oh, Dec! What have they done to yer? Is it possible that he just went through that door? What, without me? Don't be ridiculous.
TOILET FLUSHES All right? What's going on? Oh, Dec, you're alive! Dec! Oh.
Are you OK? Let me just look at your little face! I'm fine.
I've been so worried.
Where have you been? I've been in the toilet.
I've only been gone five minutes.
Mr McPanlin, you said you hadn't seen Mr Donnelly for ages.
I hadn't.
You heard him.
He said he'd been gone five minutes.
The longest we've ever been apart's 32 seconds, and that was my wedding night.
I fell out of the bed.
You don't report somebody missing when they've been gone for five minutes.
You two are going to have some serious questions to answer.
50's he! What have you been doing going to the toilet without me? Laying an egg! What do you think I was doing? But we always go to the toilet together.
I just wanted to go to the toilet on my own, once.
ls that too much to ask? Are you going to leave me? Ant, I'm not, I'm not.
Look, if you were that worried about me, why didn't you call me on my mobile phone? Mobile? What have you got a mobile phone for? To make calls.
To who? I'm here.
You'll be telling me you've got more than one Facebook friend next.
Oi! Right, you two can carry this on down at the station.
I'm taking you both in for wasting police time.
Can I go to the toilet before we leave? I thought you'd already been.
Yeah, well, the thing is, turns out I can't go when I'm on me own.
Ant? We'll be right back.
Mobile phone scams.
We talk to a three-year-old who was sold a phone that can't make calls and just plays nursery rhymes.
That's Watchdog.
So, Mr Hill, how can I be of help? I can't hear a thing, Doctor.
I think I've gone deaf.
There.
ls that any better? Oo, I'm cured.
It's a miracle.
Thank you, Doctor.
Now, how can I help? I think you should see him first.
I think he needs you more than I do.
Mr Hill, really, I'm very busy.
If you have a genuine ailment, I'll endeavour to cure it.
Otherwise, please vacate my surgery.
All right, Doctor.
Well, I do have a pain in the neck.
This pain in the neck, it wouldn't by any chance be me, would it? No, no, no.
No, Doctor, I really do have a bad pain in the neck.
Although she might have a point.
I've no idea how I got it.
Looks like a case for Quincy ME.
So, which side is hurting? The right side? No, the right side's fine.
The left side? That's right, not the right side, which leaves the left side.
Come on, people, keep up! Well, I think I might know what the problem is.
I'm all ears.
You've got whiplash, from looking over your left shoulder too quickly and too often.
Havel, Doctor? Ooh! I think she might be right, you know.
Your neck will need some extra support.
You'll need a stiff neck brace.
Or we could just do this.
No, I can no longer move my neck.
Job done.
Do you wish you could make yourself clearly understood When you're on holiday? Well, now you can, with Learn French The Janet Street-Porter Way.
With my listen and learn CD course, it's so easy.
Learn while you sleep, and you'll be taken through la belle langue de France by yours truly! Eck-oo-tay a rep-at-ay! You'll sound like a native in no time.
Zut alors.
Ah, je vous en prie, parlez un peu plus distinctement.
Je woo-dray ash-er-tay oon cart de pow-starl.
Do you mind not spitting in my face? It really is that simple.
Buy Learn French The Janet Street-Porter Way today, and get Boris Johnson Says Sorry In 500 Different Languages absolutely free.
Thank you for coming, Katie.
This is something of a delicate and personal matter.
How delicate and personal? Heat exclusive delicate and personal, Sun front page delicate and personal? It is a rather private matter.
Don't mind Phil.
He's just my cameraman.
He knows all my secrets.
So, yeah, you know OK.
Well, it's about your daughter, Princess.
Yeah.
I don't quite know how to put this.
Well go on, spit it out.
I could've got married twice in the time it's taken you.
I don't think she's doing her own work.
So are you accusing me of doing her homework for her? Clearly not, but obviously somebody's been doing her writing for her.
What's the problem with that? Somebody else is doing all the writing and she's just taking the credit.
What's the problem with that? Come on.
Um, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise unreservedly to the good people of Norwich.
When I said that a KFC family bucket in Norwich must be enormous as it would have to feed the entire city, I in no way meant to imply that there was one iota of in-breeding, which might, of course, be rich, coming, as it did, from yours truly.
Thank you.
I never date celebrities because they're vacuous and they're boring, and they don't ask me.
I was married to Trevor McDonald for 12 years.
I didn't have time to date them.
I was too busy planning the weddings.
Oo, there you are, here already, yeah.
Oo, better just save what I'm doing, yeah.
Important document.
Oh, error message.
Would I like to send an error report to Microsoft? Wouldn't have thought so.
I've got a few trillion of them to get through.
Anyway, Bill Gates, yeah.
Welcome to my empire.
"Empire".
Sounds a bit sinister.
Star Wars.
"Luke, I am your father".
Which is good news for you, cos I am the richest man on the planet.
So, this is Dawn.
Hey.
Hi, Dawn.
Dawn is our Front of House Welcome Executive.
Not really, she's just the receptionist, answering the phone, bit of donkey work, yeah.
Hee haw, hee haw.
PHONE RINGS Oh, oh, incoming, there's one.
Better get it.
"Hi, Microsoft Office, how can I help you this clay?" Oo.
Not the office phone.
Personal call.
Bit embarrassing.
Go on, get it.
Probably the boyfriend.
Go on, get it, promise I won't listen in.
Hello? Much.
Can I call you back later? Was that an iPhone? Awkward.
Apple.
Not one of mine.
Come on, you know the rules, hand it over.
Come on, hand it over.
Oh, look at me! I've got an iPhone, everyone.
Way-hey! Ooh! I've got an iPhone.
Tell you what, has it got a "make me a cup of tea" app? Hmm? Ooh, caramel macchiato, please? Ooo, don't think so, wey-hey! Can I have it back now, please? Suppose you've got an iPad as well.
Well that smartsa little.
Two large Meat Feast Supremes? What? I didn't order no pizza.
Well, it's your address, pal.
Well, I didn't order any.
Someone's winding you up, mate.
Who'd do that? It was me! I'm Bruno Tonioli, I'm a little bit cheeky.
Bruno pick up the phone and went, "I want two cheeky Meat Feast pizzas, pizza feller".
And you fell for it like a proper silly kiddie kipper.
Look at me, I'm so naughty, I must be punished.
Smacky om boom boom! I'm the cheekiest boy in the whole wide world and nobody can stop me! Ooh, catch me if you can, cheeky chumpies! Och, Mrs Young.
Your wee Kirsty is such a cutie.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, you are, yes, you are.
Hee hee.
Tonight on Crimewatch, we need your help to find a woman who's gone missing in the East Kilbride area.
Peekaboo! Hee hee hee.
Oh, no.
There she is.
A second woman has gone missing in the East Kilbride area.
She was last seen in the vicinity of this pram.
Peekaboo! Hee hee hee.
Oh, no, there she is.
Coming up next, a reconstruction of this morning's criminal mess in my nappies.
Oh! So, Dawn.
I have got an announcement to make.
Hmm? I've decided that here at the Microsoft Office, yeah, every Thursday is going to be Pudding Day.
OK.
And to get us started, I've made a jelly.
Hmm? It's an apple jelly.
Is that my iPhone? Don't worry, still works, it's set to vibrate.
Ha ha ha ha! No, wait, wait, you haven't seen your apple iTart.
She's loving it.
Home security.
How can you make your home safe from masked intruders like that bloke standing behind your sofa? Don't turn round! He's got a machete.
That's Watchdog.
Well, no, Jeremy.
Once again you're showing your complete ignorance of the automobile industry.
And don't you try and help him, Hammond.
Honestly, both of you are a disgrace to the presenting trade.
I mean, look at the best presenter chart.
There's me, right at the top.
And there's you two, right down near the bottom.
You're even behind the presenters of Bang Goes The Theory.
I'm sorry, what's that? What's Bang Goes The Theory? My point exactly! Honestly, if it wasn't for me, Top Gear would be dead and buried.
I carry you two lame-os.
Come on, May, we're on in an hour.
The studio's 100 yards away and you move slower than a snail on horse tranquillisers.
Coming, Mr Clarkson.
Hang on.
What's all this? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
This is supposed to be me, isn't it? No, no, it isn't.
And is this supposed to be me? Can't be.
Too big.
Hold on a Johnny sausage.
What's all this? May's done a kind of "presenter chart".
No, I haven't.
What's Bang Goes The Theory? This presenter chart is obviously upside down.
I appear to be near the bottom.
Yes, it is upside down.
By mistake.
No, it can't be.
That would make Justin Lee Collins top, and he has to be bottom.
May, you are sadder than the saddest clown in a circus that is going to close because it's so sad.
Head! I think I know what it's time for May to test-drive.
The 7.
6 Armitage Shanks turbo flush toilet.
Woof! Let's flush him! Well, to be fair, my hair did need a wash.
I can now see that that was highly inappropriate behaviour for a Buckingham Palace garden party, and I now appreciate that Her Majesty has been happily married for some quite considerable time.
My name is Miss Sophie Dahl, young, pretty, rich and almost able to boil an egg.
It was the clay of Whigfield's grand summer ball, the event of the season, and I had resolved that this evening I would turn from Miss Sophie Dahl into Mrs Fearnley-Whittingstall.
Under Miss Nigella's tutorage, I tried to apply myself.
No.
I cannot grasp it.
Is not my lovely hair enough? Assuredly, your hair is as lovely as my bottom is large, but no man will marry you, Miss Sophie, until you can cook.
Cooking, cooking! Surely this is a summer for love.
I shall be married within the month, and so should you! The shortest path to love is probably to be found through soup.
Show me again.
I shall pay attention.
Well, this is a simple fish soup, full of hearty goodness.
Firstly, obtain two red mullet.
Mmm.
My goodness! Who's that coming from the lake? Confounded horse! Bad attitude BLEEP horse.
BLEEP BLEEP.
It was the Reverend Gordon Ramsay.
He's as rough as a docker's beard.
BLEEP attitude BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.
He'd be perfect for you.
But what of the cooking? Oh, you do the cooking.
I'm off to butter up the fresh beefcake.
For you, of course.
Steven Gerrard, quite a turnaround there.
Did you say something to the lads at half-time? Er no, that's the gaffer's job.
Just tried to do my bit and lucky just got a couple of balls fall the right way and they went in the back of the net so that's good.
Very modest appraisal of your performance.
I have to ask, what's your position on the Elgin Marbles? Should they go back to Greece? A lot of people would say, you know, we've clone a good job looking after them when Greece wasn't able to.
But you know, some of the cleaning operations that we clone on the marbles back in the 1930s took a lot of the fine detail off them, and so maybe yeah, we should give them back.
I think it'd be a great boost to the Greek people, with all the economic difficulties, you know, they're going through.
Thanks again for your time, Stevie.
Yeah, right, thanks.
It's an 18th century parsonage with plenty of original features, three large bedrooms, two en-suite, and it has a dead body in the hallway.
First impressions? Sorry, what was that again? Three large bedrooms, two en-suite and a dead body in the hallway.
Yeah, well that might be a bit of a problem.
It is an old house.
You really can't expect all the bedrooms to be en-suite.
It's more the dead body.
I'm sensing a theme here.
Because despite the fact that the new build that we looked at was on the market at a very reasonable £300,000, you rejected it because you didn't like the blood stains on the walls.
Yeah.
Or the ceiling.
Ok, maybe Midsomer isn't the village for you.
The grand Whigfield summer ball attracted all of society.
Monsieur Novelli, the French ambassador.
Mr Stein, the fishmonger.
The eccentric Doctor Blumenthal, and fresh from gathering spices on the Dark Continent, the exotic Mr Harriott, whom I found in conversation with Mr Worrall Thompson, a local goblin.
Vnn unggg vnnn vnnn ungg.
I'm sorry, I can't Are you all right? Vnn ungg unggg vnnn ungg.
What's he saying? Your guess is as good as mine, love.
Ah, soup.
The perfect token of love.
But I was just going to give that to Vnnng vnnng vnnn ung ung ung! Are you all right, little goblin man? He's been mumbling for years.
I grasped the opportunity to make Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall mine.
Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall.
Perhaps you would care to try my latest soup? Great lord! I was of the impression that you were a kitchen dunce who knew not the recipe for ice.
But this soup is a most pleasant surprise.
What is in it? Oh, water and foods.
Miss Sophie, would you do me the honour of joining me in this first dance? Of course.
Marco Pierre, the wild gypsy chef! Come, my beauty.
Dance with me.
Unhand that young girl, you intercoursing bosom! Lookout, he's got a potato ricer.
Vnnng ung ung vnnn ung ung.
Ladies, look away, lest he remove his shin.
Begone from our sight, you great flamboyant buffoon.
Stay out, yeah? You're safe now, my dear, do you know that? You are strong, sir.
As strong as the paprika in a fearsome stroganoff.
Fornicating hell! Cookery talk, my kind of filly, do you know that? Let us dance.
An outcome that could only be described as delicious.
Er, I would like to apologise unreservedly to the inhabitants of the Vatican City.
When, on my recent visit, I asked "ls the Pope a Catholic?" I was in fact confirming my own fondness for pizza and in no way meant to question the integrity of His Holiness's deeply-held religious beliefs.
And may I add how nice it was to be in a country where nobody minds when you pinch the waitress's backside.
Thank you.
Now, Jennifer Aniston is one of my favourite fictional characters, the hopelessly romantic wannabe film star trapped in a cycle of making the same movie over and over and over and over and over and over again.
The actress who plays her is on the show tonight.
So hello, hello, welcome, welcome.
Yeah, um, sorry, Graham but, er, no, I really am Jennifer Aniston, the actress.
I'm confused.
This really is me.
And anyway, I do not make the same movie over and over again.
I mean, look at the difference between Marley And Me and oh, what's the one with the dog? That IS Marley And Me.
OK, what's the one with Owen Wilson? Oh, that's Marley And Me as well.
OK, look here, buster, I what's my line? I beg your pardon? Ha! Sorry, everyone.
Cut, I forgot my line.
I'm so ditzy.
You don't have any lines.
This is an interview.
Yeah, um, look Graham, do you mind dropping the silly voice while we're not shooting? Only this is meant to be a romantic comedy, and we really don't do method acting or, you know, acting.
This is not a movie, this is real life.
You've just made so many films where you play yourself you've forgotten how to tell the difference, haven't you? You have! And out! Could we please stick to the script? This movie is a romantic comedy where a young actress tries to seduce a TV presenter so could we lose the philosophy? Oh, and Graham, seriously, turn down the voice a notch.
No, this is the real me.
Isn't that my line? #You're stuck in a hole, and I want to come out.
# Please may I have a cheeseburger and a small Coke, please.
That's three pounds.
Thank you.
Please may I have a cheeseburger and a small Coke, please cheeseburger and a small Coke, please cheeseburger and a small Coke, please.
Uh oh, some chips, but I did not ask for any chips.
One won't hurt.
Hey, did you pay for those chips, our Mark? You're right, Gary, I didn't.
Well, just take them back to the nice man, and we'll say no more about it.
You're right, Gary, you're always right.
I will.
Good lad.
You all right, Mark? What do you think you're doing, mate? I'm taking these chips back, Robbie.
I did not pay for them.
Yeah, I bet Fatso told you to do that.
Didn't you, Fatso? Hey, I'm not fat no more! Fatso so much as looks at a bag of chips, he'll put on eight stone.
He'll end up looking like the lovechild of Vanessa Feltz and John Prescott.
Don't listen to him, Mark.
It's only a bag of chips, Gary.
It's a slippery slope.
Today, an extra bag of chips, tomorrow you'll be on the front page of the News Of The World for sleeping with half of Manchester.
Again.
And your point is? You're right, Gary.
lam taking them back.
Excuse me, where is the man that was here? Sorry, are you Mark Owen off of Take That? Yeah.
I think you're amazing! I'd do anything for you.
Go on, son.
Your missus will never know.
Like the other bloke says.
This was a company promising super-fast broadband connection for just £2 a month.
But what did customers who signed up actually get? They got super-fast broadband connection for £2 a month.
What can I say? We've had a slow week.
Come quickly, you've got to help, a man's fallen in the canal and he can't swim.
He's only got a few seconds.
By the Rosewood and Barge pub.
Well, it's not really a pub.
It's more of a restaurant.
You shouldn't be allowed to call yourself a pub unless you've got a darts team, coins in the urinal and a racist sitting at the bar.
Gastropubs, they call 'em.
Two things with gastro in the front, pub and enteritis.
Spend too long in one, you end up with the other.
Wonder if they have CASTROpubs in Cuba? Anyway What, the drowning man? Oh, he'll be a goner by now.
Anyway, I was in Cuba the other day Linda Barker is out and about looking at how to do up your living rooms for under £50.
Coming back to Holly and Phil in one minute Oh! Gasping for a cup of tea.
There will come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this any more.
Me and Holly, here together on the sofa.
I couldn't look at her, her words were just inane noises to me.
My mind was with Fern.
Always with Fern.
We can't go on meeting like this.
I know, but these moments together are all we have.
But you can never leave Holly and I'm I'm doing a new Lottery show with Winton.
Let's pretend.
Let's pretend we are together, showing the viewers how to cook a Moroccan chicken and how the A-line skin is making a comeback.
Stop it, stop it! You're a crazy fool.
I know.
It's just no-one can read an autocue like you.
Darling.
Now.
Here, I want to remember every minute with you.
Stand by studio for item 23.
Action.
Are verrucas a thing of the past? We'll be talking to Kate Thornton, but first, here's what's coming up in the next hour.
You were thinking about her again, weren't you? No.
No, I wasn't.
You were, I know you were.
She's not with you any more.
You're with me now.
Me.
I know, I'm committed to us, I promise.
Out of VT in 5 4 3 So until after this break, that's all from me and Fern Holly.
Phillip! Sorry.
Stevie, well played but looks like Rooney took quite a knock? Yeah, yeah, he's had a knock, you know, should be all right for Thursday.
That's good to hear.
What are your thoughts on genetically modified foods? We've got to go for it.
The world population keeps going up and there's not that much available landmass.
So I think we should get as much food out of it as we can, like.
What's so bad about genetically modified rice anyway? At the end of the clay, it's all going to get covered in curry.
Thank you, Stevie.
Right, thanks, yeah.