The IT Crowd s02e04 Episode Script

And then Peter said, "Brie, "that's my favourite cheese as well.
" And that was when my bag I don't know what happened, it just kind of split open.
Apples and oranges everywhere.
And we tumbled about.
Yeah.
Like a pair of confused little kittens.
And when Peter had helped me pick everything up, well it just seemed rude not to give him my number.
Hey, you asked for my number! I'm not a slut.
Oh, is that the end of the story? OK, are we all set for tonight? Yes.
Can you please bring me some wine? That was some Buying the same sort of cheese! You made a 20-minute story out of it.
Have you thought of adapting it into a film? No.
Well done, you've bagged a normal.
Yes.
He is proper normal, isn't he? He's taking me to Paris this weekend.
Ah, Paris - Have you been to Paris, Moss? - No.
No.
I've heard of it.
- Brie? - Yeah, what? Nothing.
I had you down a Double-Gloucester-type person.
Yes, I know what you mean.
It's been ages since I had a mini-break.
Not only that but all of my friends are single and so are all of his, so tonight, we're gonna have a big dinner party and It's gonna be brilliant.
Or perhaps that should be "brie-lliant".
Do you know, it is really important to me that you like him.
No, honestly, it is I know we had some rocky beginnings but I really think of you now not just as my workmates, but as friends.
- Stop it! - No, I I mean that.
I really do.
You're really important to me.
Listen, Jen, I've got some bad news, Colin can't make it tonight.
Oh.
But Steve and Jake are still coming? Colin was bringing them.
I don't know them well, it'd be uncomfortable without Colin.
I suppose we'll have to call the whole thing off.
Unless you can find three guys to replace them.
I Bit of dust.
I'm gonna definitely later phone the Strange Oh, look at that Oh, I can't I can't It's my home, it's my special place, I can't let you nut-jobs into my special place! "Nut-jobs"? I hope you're not including me in that.
Wait a second, we were all "brilliant friends" a minute ago.
Yes, yes, I meant friends in a different way, in a kind of special way that means you can't come into my home.
Right, so sort of like not being your friends at all.
Yes, yes, sort of like that but in a really special way.
This is your lowest moment, you know.
I think I can live with it.
Roy, can you look at my PC, please? It keeps freezing.
Did you hear something, Moss? I thought I heard a noise.
I didn't hear anything, Roy.
Unless it was some kind of stupid mouse.
Yeah, or Or a rat.
Yes, I think it did sound more like a rat.
I know I was horrible.
I'm sorry.
Richmond Oh, Richmond, not you too.
I'm sorry, Richmond Hello! I smell food! What are you doing? Don't sit down yet.
Why not? I'm tired.
That's the rules.
We stand around a bit first.
- We have drinks.
- Where's Peter? In the kitchen.
- Can I go to the toilet? - Yes, you may.
You don't need to ask.
It's just down there to the left.
There you go.
Thank you, Roy.
How lovely.
White wine.
Never seen a wine actually called "White Wine".
Thank you, Roy.
What are you drinking? Red wine, please.
- Richmond? - Do you have absinthe? - No.
- I only drink absinthe.
Absinthe, no.
Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg? Carlsberg, perfect.
That was quick.
I washed my hands! - What do you want to drink? - White Russian.
A white Russian? Oh, for God's sake! Documentaries Balsamic vinegar Conversation I heard one of Jen's friends is a model.
I bagsy the model! We discussed it as a group, and we think it would be best if I were to sit beside the model Because I would like to ask her how I would go about becoming a photographer.
Or a model.
Paula? She'll appreciate that.
She's just had reconstructive face surgery so she'll be happy to have someone to talk to.
Right.
It's really brave of her to come out because she was in a really bad car accident so you have to be extra nice to her.
Car accident.
Brilliant.
Just my luck.
I'll be honest.
The reason I got you round a bit early is to go over some ground rules, OK? If this evening is gonna work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody.
You know, nothing about memory or RAM.
Memory is RAM! Oh, dear! If you stray into areas I don't think appropriate, I'll I don't know I'll cough.
Coughing is the signal.
Richmond, did you hear that? What? If Jen coughs we have to stop talking.
Fine.
Moss, this is important, I'm sitting you beside Margaret.
Margaret, from her name I presume she's a lay-dee? Yes.
She's nice.
She got divorced recently but I should say when she's had a few drinks she tends to get a bit over excited.
Needs to go to the toilet a lot.
That happens to me.
I try to think of something dry, like the desert or Shredded wheat.
You don't understand.
What I'm saying is she's kind of She's kind of on the look out for a man.
I see.
What does he look like? He wouldn't come here, not with all these people around.
What's this about? - Jen's friend has got a stalker.
- Cool.
God, maybe I could just kill myself.
Here they are, so look normal.
Look more normal, more normal! Relax! Forget it! Hello.
Come in.
Hello.
I'm Roy.
I'm sorry about the accident.
Hello.
This is Paula.
Yep, I know.
I was talking to her.
Did you think I was talking to you? This is Jessica.
Hello, everybody! Oh, my God.
Social situations! Oh, bloody hell, I think this is my one.
These are my workmates.
They're not my usual friends.
I work with them, they're my workmates.
Oh, yes.
"IT department does not compute.
" Oh, my God! - You must be Roy.
- Yep.
Hello, everybody! I have had a few drinks already, so, no-one take advantage of me.
Oh, go on then! I was very pleased with my last campaign.
I just started running it today.
That's you! So how bad was the accident? Well, a motorbike jumped the lights and so I swerved into a lamppost.
The airbag didn't deploy so I hit the dashboard.
- With your facial area.
- I hit it full in the face.
Of course you did! Speed? I was doing about 75.
That's fast! When you regained consciousness, did you look in the mirror and think, "Oh, God, my face is ruined"? They didn't let me see my face after the accident.
I see.
They said it might not be as symmetrical as it once had been, but symmetry isn't everything.
Yeah I like symmetry.
Stop it! Stop it! I'm trying to eat my dinner! Gosh.
Oh dear! Look at us having a conversation.
Yikes! Getting to know you, getting to know all about you! Eating! Hello, how are you? "Oh, I'm a fish.
Help, I'm being eaten!" You know when you laugh, I can see the outline of your skull.
You have a beautiful skull.
So the surgeon - Yeah?- Good man? Very.
He did his own nose.
And did you meet him before the operation? Yeah, he ran me through it.
He was really nice.
- Confident? - Why are you so interested? My mother is thinking of having a breast augmentation.
- I see.
- Yeah.
Always wanted them bigger! But I promised I'd get them for her birthday.
- Her 60th is coming up.
- Right.
Well, I think a round of applause is justified for that dinner.
Yes, and thanks, Peter, for making it.
So, who's for dessert? - Isn't this dessert? - No, that's tartare sauce.
- Can I have some dessert? - Yes.
I'll have the tartare sauce.
Stop it! Stop it! Look how ticklish he is! - Stop it! - Come on! Jen, do something about that woman! - I warned you about her.
- When? I spent 10 min trying to warn you.
I can see why she's divorced.
She's very divorceable.
You can't wait to take her to court to get rid of her! What are you doing? Well, not that it's any of your business, but I was planning to have a little poo.
No, no, I mean with Paula.
You keep asking her all those questions about her accident.
- I'm interested! - You're wondering - what state her face is in.
- Was that obvious? I suppose I better go back in there and see what Judy Finnegan's up to! If this keeps on going on I will divorce her.
You're not married to her.
No, I suppose I suppose I'm not.
Come on, behave yourselves.
There's still a chance to save this thing.
Oh why Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
I said, "Do you think you'd die if you drank wee?" I don't know, but it's a bloody good question.
Here's a question - who here would eat a spider? I would.
I ate an eel in New York but I was on stage so it doesn't count.
Ah, New York, the city of apples.
Peter, I got that link for the Firefox extension.
What's your e-mail address? - Do you have a pen? - I'm recording.
It's filepeter@hotmail.
com.
"Filepeter"? And why "filepeter"? Well, File is my second name.
Right, I see.
Peter File.
Who's a paedophile? No, no, his name is Peter File.
His name is paedophile? Don't say it like that! It sounds like "paedophile".
- That what he just said.
- No.
"Peter File".
- Paedo File? - PETER File.
- Who's a paedophile? - No one.
Right.
It just sounds like "paedophile".
No, it doesn't.
Does a bit.
"Peter File.
" "Peter File"? It does.
Yes, I suppose it does! I hadn't noticed so It doesn't worry you, does it? No, no.
Of course it doesn't.
They say "PED-o-phile" in America.
Maybe you should move to America! He's not moving to America! Raiders Of The Lost Ark? Circle Of Friends? - It's so obvious! - No speaking! I've been standing here for 10 min.
- Where's Richmond and Jessica? - Pirates Of The Caribbean! Why Pirates Of The Caribbean? I don't know but it was a great movie! Johnny Depp, what a revelation! It's Crash! It's very obviously Crash! Here's a car crashing into another car, there's people screaming and blood Oh, Paula! Let's play Spin The Bottle! Oh, for God's sake! - Oh, what? - Nothing.
- I'm embarrassing him! - You're making a fool of yourself! - He's a delicate flower.
- You are drunk! If you paid more attention to me Tell me, Margaret, tell us all, how could we pay any more attention to you? You've changed.
You're not the same man I liked when I came into the party.
We've all changed, Margaret.
We all have.
For God's sake! Night, Jen.
Roy's gonna walk me home.
Oh, lovely.
It's just in case any kind of Elephant man mob situation kicks off.
Sorry about Margaret, it won't happen again.
Fiddly-do.
Come on, let's get you home.
- Goodbye, Jen.
- Bye, Jen.
Bye.
Oh, my God! Nightmare! An absolute nightmare.
What do you mean? Well, I always have this theory that if you let your work life mix with your personal life, then somehow, something will go wrong.
But nothing has, has it? I think it all went rather well.
They all seemed to pair off.
It's what you want from an evening like this.
I suppose so.
You're gonna have to face the fact you run a very successful dinner party, Jen Barber.
You didn't do too badly yourself, "paedophile".
- Thanks for walking me home.
- That's OK.
Goodbye.
- You live here? - Yeah.
That's a big telly.
And all the consoles.
You've got all of the consoles.
Why having them all? I'd hate it if a game came out on one and I couldn't play it so it's best to get them all.
Don't you think? I do think.
And a man doesn't live here? No, just me.
I'm gonna gamble.
What? Would you like to come for a drink some time? You know, like a date? What the hell? Roy, I'm very flattered Good.
Of course you are.
Thursday? But you're not my type.
What? I mean physically.
Physically? Hello! I think I can do better.
- Can I have a lend of this? - No.
Listen, Jen.
When we get back, maybe we should think about, I don't know, moving your stuff over to my place, vice versa, I don't mind but I think it's time we moved onto the next level, - don't you? - Yes.
Yes, definitely.
Great.
If there is a Peter File in the terminal building could he please make his way to gate 24? We are looking for a Peter File.
24 we're at the wrong gate! Could Peter File please make himself known to ground staff? I'm Peter File! We are looking for a Peter File.
I'm Peter File! Wait here! I'm Peter File! Hold on! Come on, Jen.
I'm Peter File! It's "Peter File" not "paedophile".
It's very loud, mind if I turn it down? I wouldn't do that! Oh, dear! Look at me, having an orgasm!