The Job Lot (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Culottes, nice.
Skirt or trousers? Fashion's little mystery.
Needs must, Natalie, I had a private hair wax this morning.
~ Gone commando.
~ Bit sensitive, is it? Brother beyond, she was thorough.
It was less intrusive having my coil fitted.
I had no choice.
I found a grey one.
Can't let Tom see that, he thinks I'm 32.
That's hilarious! Why does he think that? Because I told him.
~ It's perfectly plausible.
~ Mm-hm.
That is one good thing about being single, ~ you don't have to mow your lady lawn quite as often.
~ (CHUCKLES) Why haven't you got a boyfriend, Natalie? I mean, it's absurd.
Have you got baggage? No! I just never meet anyone I like.
Let me set you up with one of Tom's friends.
~ I'm sure he'll be able to find someone to go out with you.
~ No, Trish.
I'm not good at blind dates, he probably won't be my type.
~ It's done.
~ OK, great.
Erm suppose I might have to get the shears out after all.
Shears? Oh, got you.
Pubes.
Pubic hair.
What are we like? Ooh, still a bit tacky.
~ (YAWNS) ~ Heavy night? (SIGHS) Tom and Trish make the loudest love I have ever heard.
I haven't slept for five nights.
In we go.
Morning! Right, headlines.
We are still not getting enough claimants off our books, so - We need to find reasons to stop their benefits.
~ Or get them a job.
~ Or stop their benefits.
~ Or get them a job.
~ Stop benefits.
~ Get job.
~ Stop.
~ Job.
You've got your way, I've got mine.
Natalie's right, Angela.
Think of jobseekers as being like horses, and you are their jockeys.
Natalie, could you be a jobseeker horse? ~ You want me to be an unemployed horse? ~ If you wouldn't mind.
~ OK.
Now, sometimes the horses need a bit of encouragement - just do a little gallop - to jump the fence to employment.
What if the horse doesn't want to jump the fence? ~ (NEIGHS) ~ Then you, the jockey, need to give the horse an incentive.
~ You mean whip them? ~ (WHINNIES) No! Well, yes, metaphorically.
But, whip them in a way that makes them feel empowered.
~ (MAKES WHIPPING SOUND) I believe in you.
~ (WHINNIES) Some horses lie about the amount of oats they are entitled to.
Then you need to step up and deal with them as well, George.
~ Everyone's good at something.
~ You can stop trotting now.
~ We just have to find out what it is.
~ Amen to that, Natalie.
All the horses in our stable need to be inspired.
Or shot.
~ Oi-oi! ~ (HORN HONKS) All right, dickhead.
Eight o'clock tonight.
Tom says he knows exactly who to invite.
I think it's his hunky friend Marcus.
He's got lovely buttocks.
Let's hope he brings them with him.
And a good sense of humour! How are you still single? ~ Your benefits are being cut because you were late for your appointment.
~ I went to the toilet.
~ Should've gone before you left the house.
~ What a joke.
~ Angela? ~ Mm-hm.
Are you recording every person you get off benefits with a smiley face? ~ Yeah.
Do you want me to add your name so we can keep score? ~ Angela, I don't think that's appropriate.
Worried you wouldn't get any stickers? ~ I'd get job stickers for getting people jobs.
~ Would you now? Yeah, I could get more people jobs than you could get off benefits.
~ Are you challenging me? ~ No, she isn't.
Yeah, I am.
Put my name on the chart.
~ Then bring it.
~ Consider it bring - brought - brung.
Brung.
~ George.
~ All right.
~ Big case? ~ Trish wants people off benefits, this guy's a low-hanging fruit.
I'm going to nail this mother ~ .
.
on a night obbo.
~ Night-vision goggles.
Can I Can I touch them? Oh, shit.
(LAUGHS) It's like Call Of Duty.
~ Military grade.
~ Do they make the noise? ~ Don't switch them - ~ Argh! ~ Oh, that's bright.
~ It's got to be dark.
(PHONE BEEPS) Argh! (LAUGHS) Oh, no.
Tom wants me to go on a blind date with one of Trish's mates.
Dinner at the flat tonight.
Lucky you, bag yourself a cougar.
Not a chance.
All of Trish's mates are gonna be 40-something emotional train wrecks called Susan.
I met Tanya on a blind date.
Literally.
She temporarily lost her vision after a netballing accident, but look at us now.
Karl, are you listening? Yeah.
(GOGGLES WHIRR) Come on, Graham, I'm really trying to get you a job.
Is there anything that you're proud of? I did jump in a pool in my pyjamas.
~ For your lifesaving badge? ~ No.
To save me own life.
I was being chased by a gang of bees.
Think, Graham, think.
What do you enjoy doing? What do you look forward to doing every day? Coming here.
~ OK.
~ Hope he's worth the wait.
Yeah, he is.
I might as well tell you.
No, shush, don't tell us.
I want it to be a surprise.
This is so cool.
Thanks for letting me come.
It's a proper stakeout.
We should be smoking or something.
~ Are you not going to get in trouble, missing your blind date? ~ Don't care.
I'll send a text later, make an excuse.
Why are you taking your shoes off? Compression socks.
We could be here for hours, it's essentially a long-haul flight.
We'll have to start without him, then.
It's getting cold.
This one's yours, Tom-cat.
~ He doesn't eat cheese in the evening.
~ I get nightmares.
Oh, they're terrible, aren't they, Tom? ~ We call them the nadgers.
~ Yeah, the nadgers.
I have to make him a hot chocolate and stroke his hair to calm him down.
And if that doesn't work, ~ I have to tire him out in other ways.
(LAUGHS) ~ Shh, you! (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) GEORGE: So, target Caucasian, male, 46, last name Doolan, ~ first name Robert, also known as Rob.
~ What's the charge? ~ The usual car crash whiplash bullcrap.
~ Urgh.
~ He's been on ESA for the last 18 months.
~ (TUTS) Whoa.
~ Why tonight? ~ Thursday night - bin night.
I just need one good shot of him lugging some heavy bags into those bins and it's good night, Vienna.
(LAUGHING) (PHONE VIBRATES) Oh, no way.
Karl's not coming.
Karl? Why would Karl be coming? Well, cos he was the surprise.
~ You said invite a friend.
~ I didn't mean Karl.
I meant one of your sexy gardening friends.
So Karl was my date? He was, yeah.
I should have told him it was you, ~ I'll just text him now.
~ No, Tom, don't.
Why would Natalie be interested in Karl? Cos he's a good bloke.
And he's really tidy.
Well, it doesn't matter how tidy he is.
They're colleagues, so it's never going to happen.
Isn't that right? God, yeah, absolutely right.
Never mind.
Oh, please don't feel like a massive gooseberry, Natalie, you're really more than welcome.
Thanks.
Do you mind if I finish this? I am so glad I'm not there.
Trish is taking over my life.
I see her at work, I see her at home, even her hair is clogging up the plug hole.
And she's changed Tom.
He's no fun any more.
Move on.
Your friend's as good as dead, he's never coming back.
That's not fair, he was my friend first.
(DOOR SLAMS) George.
~ Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ~ Ooh! Bingo McMingo.
Be cool.
No sudden movements, he's walking right into my shit.
~ What? What? ~ I forgot my camera.
Oi, you can use my phone.
Oh, look at him.
~ Sneaky fish.
~ Oh, oh, oh.
Still clinging on to that stick.
Who does he think he's kidding? ~ Argh! ~ (LAUGHS) ~ Is he all right? ~ Yeah, he's fine, trust me.
No, George, I think he might actually be stuck.
Relax, it's a ruse, probably suspects he's being watched.
Help.
Anybody.
Please! ~ Anybody.
~ I'm going to go and help him.
No! That's what he wants.
Yeah, because he's stuck in a pile of bin bags.
~ Help, please, anybody! ~ Karl! Help.
~ Are you all right, mate? ~ Oh, cheers.
~ Can you help me up? ~ You definitely can't get up yourself? ~ No, mate, I'm disabled.
~ Not if you try really hard? ~ No! ~ OK.
(BOTH STRAIN) Blimey.
Don't you work at the job centre? No.
No, I do not work in the job centre.
Well, why are you wearing that name badge then? Are you spying on me? ~ Up yours.
~ Argh! Oi! ~ Drive, drive, drive.
~ Jesus Christ, Karl, what happened? ~ Cover's blown.
~ What's wrong with your hand? ~ It's bin juice.
~ Urgh! (TYRES SCREECH) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
~ George.
~ Relax, Karl, I'm an advanced driver.
(LAUGHS) Anyway, there were no spare rooms so he took me in the shed.
~ Ooh.
~ I don't mean in my bottom.
~ Oh.
~ And we did it next to the gardening tools.
Oh, Natalie, you 'hoe'! ~ (ALL LAUGH) ~ Trish! Come on, Trish, spill the beans, ~ tell us about your first time.
~ Oh, God.
Disaster! Duncan Harper - he was a lifeguard at the leisure centre.
We had some fumblings in a lay-by on the A55, so I knew what was coming.
I always remember it was the same night the Berlin Wall came down, which is quite symbolic when you think about it.
~ (LAUGHS) ~ The Berlin Wall? ~ Mmm.
~ Wasn't that 1989? ~ Mmm.
~ No.
No, it was much later than that, wasn't it, Trish? No.
It was 1989.
I think I know when I popped my berry, Natalie, it was 1989.
But if you're 32 that would have made you seven.
(GULPS) Hmm Things were different in the '80s.
Karl, I need to talk to you about last night.
~ Is this because I stood your mate up? ~ No.
~ Is it about the disabled man in the bin bags? ~ What? ~ Doesn't matter.
What are you talking about? ~ Tom.
Didn't he tell you? He found out I've been lying about my age.
Really? Oh, no.
I think I might just need to give him some space.
~ Good idea.
~ Do you think? ~ Yeah.
I mean, it's great that you're round the flat all the time.
~ But I have been there a lot recently.
~ You-you-you really have, and I think it might be starting to get to him.
I had no idea.
Oh, it was awful, Karl, I had to get away, I just left poor Natalie there.
Natalie? Our Natalie? What was she doing at the flat? She was your blind date.
T-Tom said you were inviting one of your friends.
~ I did, Natalie's my friend.
~ (SPLUTTERS) No, she's not.
~ Not one of your 'friend' friends.
~ It doesn't matter anyway, Karl, because you and Natalie are work colleagues.
It's not going to happen.
As you've refused an offer of work, I'm stopping your benefits.
That's not gonna happen.
Decision Maker's Guide, section four, paragraph nine.
'All claimants are entitled to refuse work on the grounds of religious belief'.
~ What are your religious beliefs? ~ We both know I don't have to tell you that.
There's no eating in the job centre.
There is if you're type one diabetic.
As part of your Claimant Commitment, ~ you're supposed to ask friends about vacancies.
~ Correct.
~ There's no record of that here.
~ I asked a neighbour who works in Argos.
~ Neighbours aren't friends.
~ It's within the criteria.
~ Only with documentary evidence.
~ Which I must provide on request.
~ Within 24 hours.
~ This afternoon at three? ~ I look forward to it.
I'm so sorry about last night.
Nice bedroom, by the way.
Got some really interesting stuff on your internet history.
Yeah, I can explain about that.
Basically, we use a lot of milk and wanted something to keep it in so I-I-I did a search for 'massive jugs'.
Karl, I'm joking.
~ (SIGHS) ~ So where were you? I've never actually been stood up before.
I didn't know it was you.
Trish! Trisha Collinwood.
~ Trish! ~ All right, mate, what you doing here? I'm trying to get hold of Trish, she's not answering my calls.
She sent me a text saying she's going to give me some space ~ but where's that come from? ~ Pffft hormones? Although you are together every night, maybe you should see a bit less of her? Why would I want to do that for? She's beautiful.
~ You're beautiful, Trish! ~ Ooh, all right.
I love you, Trisha! OK, Tom, dial it down.
You don't really love her, do you? Oh, my God.
You actually do.
(GROANS) All right, er I'll get her to call you.
You can tell her how you feel.
No, I've got to show her how I feel.
Come to the pub with me and help me figure out how I can get her back.
Ah ~ Yeah, course.
~ Thanks, Karl, you're such a good mate.
I'm really not.
~ NATALIE: You're actually early.
~ I found a job I want.
Brilliant! That's great news, Bryony.
Where is it? Booby Bungalow.
It's a titty bar in West Brom.
~ A titty bar.
~ Yeah.
My mate's mum works there.
She gets, like, 3,000 grand a night.
She's got an actual gold phone.
~ Do you think that might be a bit degrading? ~ Chill out, Grandma, it's only getting your bangers out.
I do that on the beach in Barmouth.
I just need to do an audition.
Gotta do, like, a routine or something.
Do you really think you can get this job? Course I can.
You've seen my arse.
Come with me.
~ What we doing? ~ We're gonna get you that job.
Oh, Trish, come quick, a cat's been run over.
~ What? ~ In the car park, a cat's been run over.
~ By a car.
~ But I know nothing about cats.
Angela, you like cats, one's been run over.
~ On my way.
~ Er ~ Janette, there's a cat been run over.
~ I'll get some paper towels.
~ No, hang on, just Trish.
Paul, there's a cat been run over.
Right, I've got a mallet in my boot.
No, no! (SIGHS) LITTLE MIX: Move Don't you get comfortable Looking so hot, I think Try being less intimidating.
~ What do I do with my hands? ~ Maybe rub them over yourself.
Bit more sensual, you haven't got eczema.
This is stupid, I'm trying to turn on a chair.
Tell you what, I'll be the customer.
~ Ah.
Phwoar.
~ What's wrong with your face? I'm trying to look like an aroused man.
Well don't, you're putting me off.
Just say stuff a bloke in a strip club'd say.
Aaah nice breasts.
Er put your bum near my face.
Give me some money, then.
Here you go.
Now grind me, you randy cow.
It's going to cost you a lot more than that.
Owning a cat near a main road should be a crime.
What's this? ~ Tom? ~ Miaow.
Oh, give me strength.
He's all right.
He just wants someone to love him.
~ Tom, what are you doing? ~ Patricia Collinwood, I'm your little 'Tom-Cat' and I don't care how old you are.
14 years older makes you 14 years more beautiful.
Ahh.
~ Tom ~ No.
I love you, Trish-upon-a-star.
Please come back.
~ (HYPERVENTILATING) ~ You have taken me on a beautiful, deeply sexual journey.
We did things that were still illegal when I was at polytechnic.
And for that, I thank you.
But it's over.
I said I don't mind about the age gap.
It's not about the age gap.
The same thing happened to me and my ex-husband.
I went from being his lover to his mother.
Yes, right now I'm still your lover but I am becoming more like your mother than your lover.
I'm your mother-lover.
And I'm not going down that road again.
Sure I can't get you a drink? Cup of tea? Saucer of milk? (LAUGHS) Oh, you've still got ketchup on your paw.
That'll stain.
The letter you requested.
Is this slobber? ~ I volunteer in a dog's home.
~ In that case .
.
I will be stopping your benefits after all.
It's volunteer work, thus I don't get paid.
Thus you're not available for work.
I would cease my charitable work should I gain employment.
And until then, you're working full-time in a dog's home and not looking for employment at least 35 hours a week as per the legally binding Claimant Commitment you signed.
Don't question me again.
This is what I do.
~ You do realise I'll appeal.
~ I'd be disappointed if you didn't.
I can't go any higher.
Little Lord Jesus, what on earth are you doing with your tuppence in Natalie's face? ~ Nothing.
~ She's teaching me how to lap dance.
~ For a job, she's got an audition.
~ I'm inspiring the horse.
~ Don't call me a horse.
We can't promote jobs in the sex industry, Natalie.
I know.
I'm sorry, I got carried away with the whole Angela sticker chart thing.
I just wanted to get a smiley face.
When's the audition? Tonight.
But my sexy dancing's crap.
I see.
You know, if nothing else, being with a younger man has certainly taught me how to gyrate.
Well, why don't you help us? I bet you're a good dancer.
I dabbled.
I mean, yes, I won some awards but I'm no Ashley Banjo, although I did do a night class in street jazz, so Oh, what the hey, from the top.
You're strutting round, Bryony.
Pop your hands on your hips.
A bit jaunty.
Just run your fingers through his hair, if he's got any.
Fingers crossed.
They might have a lovely long ponytail, ~ you never know.
Stroke his cheek, rub his ear.
~ Oh, sorry.
~ Oh, let's get a man's opinion.
~ Good idea.
Bryony's got an audition at a tits bar.
You got five minutes to be lap danced? Actually, I I dunno.
(GROANS) Hit it! ~ LIBERTY X: Just A Little ~ Coming at you, Karl.
~ Wait, no.
~ Watch and learn, girls.
Step, kick, step, kick.
Now, you'll probably have feathers, Bryony, so just, you know, tease him a bit.
Left boob and right boob and left boob and right boob and spin, two, three, four.
~ Can I go back to my desk now? ~ No, Karl, you have to stay here, we're helping Bryony.
And then you're just going to shimmy in and shimmy and shimmy and shimmy, keep staring at him, bit of attitude.
You look line you're on Strictly.
It's supposed to be dirty.
Yeah, I'm getting to the dirty bit.
Thank you.
I love it when you do it like that.
(MOANS) Just a little get hot Just a little me In the middle let go Just a little bit more And tap that ass, tap that ass, tap that ass.
~ I've seen this, it's called twerking.
~ I'm pretty sure that's not twerking.
~ You do it, Natalie.
~ No, I'm rubbish.
~ You can't be worse than her.
I don't think Karl wants Natalie to twerk for him, Bryony.
I don't care what you want - it's part of your job.
~ I don't even think I can twerk.
~ Me neither.
Look everybody, I can do the splits.
Ooh.
There's women half my age can't do this.
I might need a bit of help getting up, please, Bryony.
Work it a little Get hot just a little Meet me in the middle Let go, just a little bit more Gimme just a little bit more Just a little bit more Work it a little Get hot just a little Meet me in the middle Let go, just a little