The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e04 Episode Script
The Stalker
Now that sign says, "Applesauce.
" [Laughter.]
No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It says, "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Flick that once.
[Applause.]
All right.
You're all a big part Of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
This gentleman Is giving me this sign, And it says, "We're on in 10 seconds," So get ready to have A good time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? [Man.]
In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [theme playing.]
live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests emma thompson, frank langella, comedian hugh fink, and me, "hey, now!" hank kingsley.
and now, because the governor called larry sanders! Thank you.
Welcome.
Welcome once more.
Welcome.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Let's get Right to the, uh Right to the big news, Of course.
Former sidekick ed mcmahon Is suing the star For calling him a drunk.
[Audience.]
Ooh! Now, we have to Stand up for ed, And i know that hank-- I don't know where They get these ideas.
Hank, you hang out with ed.
Yes.
[Laughter.]
Could you clear this up For us? Yes, i can.
I know for a fact Ed is not a drunk.
[Larry.]
There you have it.
Thank you.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you For clearing that up.
He is on crack.
[Laughter.]
But, um Kids Just say no.
The, uh Back to me.
the kennedys are selling their famous palm beach estate.
without any renovation, it's being turned into a tgi friday's.
[laughter.]
by the way Please, No more jokes.
the wet t-shirt contest will still be on tuesdays.
No more jokes, Larry.
michael jackson has purchased a 12-foot albino snake.
he named it-- this is absolutely true.
he named it madonna.
now [Turns television off.]
[Roof creaking.]
[Screams.]
It's me.
God, you scared The shit out of me.
There's someone On the roof.
Listen.
I heard A sound on the roof.
Listen.
Maybe it-- Shh! Maybe it was A squirrel.
Squirrel, my ass.
It was something Really big.
It was one of those Fucking tour buses.
Maybe someone jumped off And ran onto the roof.
Yeah, probably what it was.
Your address is on All those maps.
I know.
How did you know that? When my sister Was in town, She wanted to see Where tony danza lives.
Nice vacation.
Mm-hmm.
[Roof creaking.]
Your sister's Not in town, is she? Good morning.
Who's on The show tonight? Gloria estefan, Michael richards, and-- Yeah.
Hey, have you Been keeping Mail from me-- Threatening letters? No.
No more Than usual.
Wait a minute.
What's the usual? You said Not to tell you.
Tell me from now on.
Why? Was there An incident? No.
I just Look at that woman Who breaks into Letterman's house.
You had an incident.
I had no incident.
Look, larry, I can call this guy.
Who's that? Whitewood Security systems.
It's the same guy Stallone uses.
Let me see.
"John lennon, Sharon tate-- "These incidences Could have been Prevented By adequate Security"? They're just preying On people's fears.
Get it out of here.
Throw it away? Throw it away.
No.
Just-- let me see.
Who's on The show tonight? Gloria estefan, Michael richards, And the winner Of the larry sanders Look-alike contest.
Alec baldwin won, Didn't he? Well, i like to Vacation in hawaii.
That's wild.
So do i.
I know.
In fact, i always stay Where you stay.
I stay at The kapalua bay, Just like you.
This is wild.
I even stay in Your favorite room.
With the bathtub? Yeah.
And the shower? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen I wish we had More time.
Me, too.
Well, listen.
Thanks for coming Here tonight.
Congratulations on Winning the contest.
To you folks at home-- Thank you.
See you tomorrow night.
I promise, no guests Will look like me.
Sleep well.
Good job.
Good job To you.
Good job, Larry.
Good job yourself.
Good job.
All i'm saying, artie, Is if it was a squirrel, It must have weighed 140 pounds And been able to walk erect.
Well, i still say you Should go with 12-foot Electrical fence.
I think that's a little gawdy.
Gawdy, hell, Fry the motherfuckers.
Larry, artie, What do you think? Huh? Hank look-alike Contest next week.
Huh? Yeah, oh-- You guys look like The two-captain-kirk episode From "star trek.
" Right, "incident on rigel 7.
" "Don't endanger The ship, spock.
Kill us both.
" You're a gifted man.
Thanks.
You know, maybe one night I could do it on the ship.
Not this-- uh-- Larry, for god sakes, if you Don't want to get any security, At least let me come home And sit around with you tonight.
I took out the bar, artie.
Oh, young people! Hey! What the fuck Are you doing? He's sniffing My jacket, artie.
Just to see what Cologne larry wears.
Larry's birthday Is coming up on the 19th.
Hey! Easy, artie! Sit down! Oh, what might this be? Francine.
I just wanted a copy Because i know Larry's seeing her again, And i-- oh! You'll be sorry If you don't stop Treating me this way.
Artie, you're going To hurt larry! Get off me, You buffalo! Hank! The guy looked Like linda hunt.
And driving home, I realize He's tailing me.
How do you know? Because i made A left, A right, And a left, And he did The same thing.
When you pulled In your driveway? He drove right by-- What i'd do if i was Stalking somebody-- See where they live, Then come back later To kill them.
Can you hand me That notepad? What are you Working on? I'm doing this piece on The future of junk bonds Now that mike milken's Out of jail.
Fuck him.
I know.
He stopped Wearing a toupee Because he realized In prison You don't need hair To be attractive.
Should i take you Seriously? Yes.
O.
K.
, But i only Have time to humor One neurotic obsession.
Are we choosing this one? Next time, one of mine? O.
K.
All right.
First of all, You sure it's the same guy That was in the office? Who do you Think it could be? These people think Of you as a god, Something beyond An ordinary human.
That's one of the things That's fucked About being a celebrity.
Yeah, or having living with one Or having sex with one Or a relationship Or whatever we're doing here.
You know, you should Finish your article.
Yeah.
I've got A deadline.
I'm fine.
I'd be willing To talk if I'll shut up.
O.
K.
You should be Disciplined.
Yeah, i know.
Hey.
What are you doing? Someone just Ran by.
Oh, it's o.
K.
It's tom hanks.
He always jogs At this time.
Tom! What would it cost to have The bunker saddam hussein has? He means That secure.
We're going to Wire the windows With an invisible filament that, If broken, sounds an alarm.
Why don't You add bars? I'll live like The birdman Of alcatraz.
Are you familiar with A book called helter skelter? Jack, the hard sell Isn't really necessary.
I'm giving mr.
Sanders The hard, cold reality.
We don't operate That way.
Where did you get This blueprint Of my house? It's on file at The assessor's office, Readily available to Any random kook out there.
I'm sure there's An extensive Application process Required to get this.
[Chuckles.]
It wasn't that that I was concerned about.
I just can't believe I spent the money To move the bathroom.
That was a wise Decision, kiddo.
Who wants to walk That far in the middle Of the night to take a shit? That's what i was figuring-- Are we go with This configuration? Is this the configuration Letterman has? Mr.
Sanders, I'm sure you'll understand I can't comment on that, Just as i would not Tell mr.
Letterman About your configuration, If he asked me.
I understand.
Has he ever asked About my configuration? Larry, would you Like a brownie? Thank you, Darlene.
Phoebe? Oh, yeah.
Coconut? Did your mom Make these? No.
A fan sent them in For you and hank.
Why didn't you say something? What? Who knows what Could be in these? They didn't send The recipe.
Well, take-- Take them.
No.
I want mine.
You want me To hire a taster? No.
We don't need To hire a taster.
Just have that weird Intern do it.
Larry? Hank.
Jesus.
How long have You been there? A few minutes.
I waited for The right time.
Yeah, good choice.
What's up? They don't Understand.
They think you're Being paranoid.
I want you to know, From one celebrity To another, I know how you feel, Because it's scary Out there.
But if you Believe you have An obsessed fan, I believe you.
Thanks.
What have you got? What are you doing? A fucking puppet show? What are you do-- Say hello To peace of mind.
Is this loaded? No, no.
Where did you get this? Let's just say i got it.
Enough said.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Where did you get it? This is The original handgun Fired by jack lord On hawaii five-o.
He gave it to me On my birthday.
You must be A big fan.
No.
I've never seen it, But don't tell jack.
Sure.
It stays Between us.
Thanks.
So you see, It's A solid steel cast.
It's got A grooved grip.
This is the handle.
This baby's A 9-millimeter Beretta.
Apparently, It's the most Efficient handgun In the world.
It's a beauty.
No, no, no.
Please.
No.
I have no handgun Training whatsoever, hank.
I don't think-- Me, neither.
Apparently, you just Point and squeeze.
That's what They tell me.
That's what Who tells you? Don't ask.
Larry, my boy! Artie? Am i interrupting? No.
Corbin bernsen And phil hartman are, As arsenio says, "In the house.
" I want to stop And say hi Before the show.
And Jack's people Are putting in Metal detectors At the studio entrances, So, hank Yes, sir? Hand it over.
This? I'll hang on To this.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Here he comes now.
Larry? Hey! Hey, corbin! Phil.
Thanks For coming.
Larry, what's with The extra security? We always have Extra security When we have Big stars on.
Ha ha! That's why You're the king.
You loaded Tonight? Just a little.
That's what i thought.
Actually, I'm having Some problems With an obsessed fan.
I'm sorry.
It's scary.
I've got a ton of those.
You've got a ton Of obsessive fans? Your show's Still on the air? Yes, phil.
We got The old producers back.
The show's getting Really exciting.
Tune in sometime.
I will tune in.
Aren't you the only saturday night live guy Without some big Movie deal? Come on, come on.
We're all in The same business Kidding, kidding.
Everyone's career Is doing fine.
Have fun out there.
You know what i do-- My people contact The really obsessed ones, And every six months or so, We set up a little meeting.
You're kidding.
No, no.
I let them spend A few minutes with me, Provided they leave me Alone all other times.
Larry, i have a slumber party With my obsessed fans.
We break out The sleeping bags.
Order pizza, Watch everything I've done on video, Then spend hours Talking about me.
It's great.
Very funny, phil.
Seriously It neutralizes them.
In fact, one of them's With me right now.
Get out of here.
I do.
The guy in The green vest.
In the-- I know you.
Hi.
How you doing? You're a friend Of corbin's.
Yeah.
What is this? It's nice for them.
Yeah.
I took 10 of my fans On a caribbean cruise.
You ever do that? No.
It's great to Have you guys here.
Who's the guy With the sunglasses? That's my manager, Mark gervitz.
Get him out of here.
He scares me.
First segment, We load you with Hank kingsley hand towels, You go into the audience.
You ask them their worst Vacation memory.
Not into the audience.
Security thing.
What else you got? [Drill whirring.]
What-- What if we had-- [Whirring continues.]
Do we have to pitch With that guy in here? He's throwing me off.
He's putting in All the new locks.
This is really important.
Can't wait.
What if people come down From the audience? You could put them On the panel-- I don't think the idea Is that funny.
No, it's hilarious.
No, it isn't.
Take my word-- You want to try it? Fred? Fred? Is it fred? Yeah.
What is your Best vacation? Worst vacation.
Ask him again.
What is your Worst vacation? Uh I lost $250 In reno.
Look at that.
How? Slots.
[Chuckles.]
Slots! O.
K.
All right.
What about hillary clinton Diary piece? The whole thing Is in code.
Actually, It's a music box.
Beverly, bring The alarm configuration-- Huh? Bring the alarm Configuration In here, please.
O.
K.
Thank you.
Sorry, guys, sorry.
I'm with you now, Man.
The bill clinton, uh-- Hillary clinton.
Hillary clinton Diary piece.
Shouldn't it be Bill clinton diary? He's the president, Isn't he? I know.
That's not this joke.
Well Maybe we should Come back later? I'm-- Oh, i see what you're-- You think i'm overreacting To this security thing.
That's what it is.
That's 'cause you're Not on tv every night.
You don't know What it feels like.
You're not out there Having tour buses go by your House with fucking psychos Coming in to smell Your clothes.
So-- We didn't say anything.
No, you're insinuating My concentration is fucked.
If i'm not mistaken.
So bill clinton's Diary? I can't think About that right now.
Larry, Francine just called.
The security people caught Somebody in your house.
You're kidding.
Is she o.
K.
? Just a little Shaken.
Everything's All right? She's fine.
What do you two assholes Have to say now? No, i don't live here.
I just started seeing My ex-husband again, And i always end up Staying over here.
I don't know why.
Consequently, I end up leaving For work from here, Which is a pain in the ass Because my apartment is Right next to my job.
You o.
K.
? Oh, larry.
Are you all right? Yes.
I'm fine.
What happened? I was standing In the bathroom.
I heard this noise Coming from the kitchen-- I told you there was a sound.
You didn't believe me.
Get rid of that guy.
All right.
I'll take care of this.
Sorry about this.
That's okay.
These things happen.
Listen, I want to talk to him.
Why? You haven't been on A celebrity stalking case Before, have you? Uh The main thing I wanted to say To you Is that, uh I'm a fan, too, You know? I was a big fan Of jerry lewis, Uh, even before The telethon.
You're Probably thinking, How could i like Somebody who was So broad? But the nutty professor-- I don't know-- That's neither Here nor there.
The main thing Is that I appreciate Every fan, And i'm a human Being, too.
And if you ever Want to talk to me Or see me, Instead Of coming here, Call beverly At my office, And she'll arrange For you To spend A few minutes Talking to me Whenever i can Squeeze it in.
How is that? [Speaking spanish.]
Excuse me.
Does he speak Any english at all? None.
He's from guatemala.
He's only been In the country About four weeks.
So he, basically, Has no idea who i am.
No, he doesn't.
Yeah.
I see.
No, this guy's Broken into Several homes Around here In the last few days.
Random thievery.
Probably Needs money To bring His family over.
How about that? Yeah.
Anything else you Want to say to him? I don't think so.
No.
Excuse me.
None that i can Think of.
vamanos.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know, i really feel Like an idiot.
You're not an idiot.
Everybody gets Paranoid nowadays.
That's o.
K.
I don't think i was Being paranoid.
No? [Bus passing.]
Is that-- That's the tour bus.
We should really go in.
Larry, are you o.
K.
? Fine.
I wish you had that fucking Electrical fence.
What happened? That obsessed fan Broke in larry's house.
Oh, my god! If you only had The electrical fence, All you'd have to do now Is unplug it and hose it down.
Would you like Some monologue jokes About this? That's just What they want.
You talked to him? Yeah.
And? And, uh He was a You know, mixed-up guy Who absolutely just, uh Understood that we're Both human beings.
I don't think He'll be trouble anymore.
Come on.
Don't we have A show to do? Hey.
Hey, are you Really o.
K.
? Yeah.
Because it's fucking Scary out there.
I mean, if you have A demented fan, I have a demented fan.
These people watch This show.
They see me, Half the time.
Should i get A bodyguard? I have a gun, But artie won't let me Bring my gun anymore.
Hank, listen to me.
It was a completely Random burglar.
The guy had no Fucking idea who i was.
No clue whatsoever.
He had no idea Who you were? None.
My god, i'm sorry.
Larry.
un momento.
Larry Did you tell some javier He could see you tomorrow? Yeah.
Yeah.
Would you get corbin bernsen On the phone?
" [Laughter.]
No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It says, "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Flick that once.
[Applause.]
All right.
You're all a big part Of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
This gentleman Is giving me this sign, And it says, "We're on in 10 seconds," So get ready to have A good time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? [Man.]
In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [theme playing.]
live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests emma thompson, frank langella, comedian hugh fink, and me, "hey, now!" hank kingsley.
and now, because the governor called larry sanders! Thank you.
Welcome.
Welcome once more.
Welcome.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Let's get Right to the, uh Right to the big news, Of course.
Former sidekick ed mcmahon Is suing the star For calling him a drunk.
[Audience.]
Ooh! Now, we have to Stand up for ed, And i know that hank-- I don't know where They get these ideas.
Hank, you hang out with ed.
Yes.
[Laughter.]
Could you clear this up For us? Yes, i can.
I know for a fact Ed is not a drunk.
[Larry.]
There you have it.
Thank you.
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you For clearing that up.
He is on crack.
[Laughter.]
But, um Kids Just say no.
The, uh Back to me.
the kennedys are selling their famous palm beach estate.
without any renovation, it's being turned into a tgi friday's.
[laughter.]
by the way Please, No more jokes.
the wet t-shirt contest will still be on tuesdays.
No more jokes, Larry.
michael jackson has purchased a 12-foot albino snake.
he named it-- this is absolutely true.
he named it madonna.
now [Turns television off.]
[Roof creaking.]
[Screams.]
It's me.
God, you scared The shit out of me.
There's someone On the roof.
Listen.
I heard A sound on the roof.
Listen.
Maybe it-- Shh! Maybe it was A squirrel.
Squirrel, my ass.
It was something Really big.
It was one of those Fucking tour buses.
Maybe someone jumped off And ran onto the roof.
Yeah, probably what it was.
Your address is on All those maps.
I know.
How did you know that? When my sister Was in town, She wanted to see Where tony danza lives.
Nice vacation.
Mm-hmm.
[Roof creaking.]
Your sister's Not in town, is she? Good morning.
Who's on The show tonight? Gloria estefan, Michael richards, and-- Yeah.
Hey, have you Been keeping Mail from me-- Threatening letters? No.
No more Than usual.
Wait a minute.
What's the usual? You said Not to tell you.
Tell me from now on.
Why? Was there An incident? No.
I just Look at that woman Who breaks into Letterman's house.
You had an incident.
I had no incident.
Look, larry, I can call this guy.
Who's that? Whitewood Security systems.
It's the same guy Stallone uses.
Let me see.
"John lennon, Sharon tate-- "These incidences Could have been Prevented By adequate Security"? They're just preying On people's fears.
Get it out of here.
Throw it away? Throw it away.
No.
Just-- let me see.
Who's on The show tonight? Gloria estefan, Michael richards, And the winner Of the larry sanders Look-alike contest.
Alec baldwin won, Didn't he? Well, i like to Vacation in hawaii.
That's wild.
So do i.
I know.
In fact, i always stay Where you stay.
I stay at The kapalua bay, Just like you.
This is wild.
I even stay in Your favorite room.
With the bathtub? Yeah.
And the shower? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen I wish we had More time.
Me, too.
Well, listen.
Thanks for coming Here tonight.
Congratulations on Winning the contest.
To you folks at home-- Thank you.
See you tomorrow night.
I promise, no guests Will look like me.
Sleep well.
Good job.
Good job To you.
Good job, Larry.
Good job yourself.
Good job.
All i'm saying, artie, Is if it was a squirrel, It must have weighed 140 pounds And been able to walk erect.
Well, i still say you Should go with 12-foot Electrical fence.
I think that's a little gawdy.
Gawdy, hell, Fry the motherfuckers.
Larry, artie, What do you think? Huh? Hank look-alike Contest next week.
Huh? Yeah, oh-- You guys look like The two-captain-kirk episode From "star trek.
" Right, "incident on rigel 7.
" "Don't endanger The ship, spock.
Kill us both.
" You're a gifted man.
Thanks.
You know, maybe one night I could do it on the ship.
Not this-- uh-- Larry, for god sakes, if you Don't want to get any security, At least let me come home And sit around with you tonight.
I took out the bar, artie.
Oh, young people! Hey! What the fuck Are you doing? He's sniffing My jacket, artie.
Just to see what Cologne larry wears.
Larry's birthday Is coming up on the 19th.
Hey! Easy, artie! Sit down! Oh, what might this be? Francine.
I just wanted a copy Because i know Larry's seeing her again, And i-- oh! You'll be sorry If you don't stop Treating me this way.
Artie, you're going To hurt larry! Get off me, You buffalo! Hank! The guy looked Like linda hunt.
And driving home, I realize He's tailing me.
How do you know? Because i made A left, A right, And a left, And he did The same thing.
When you pulled In your driveway? He drove right by-- What i'd do if i was Stalking somebody-- See where they live, Then come back later To kill them.
Can you hand me That notepad? What are you Working on? I'm doing this piece on The future of junk bonds Now that mike milken's Out of jail.
Fuck him.
I know.
He stopped Wearing a toupee Because he realized In prison You don't need hair To be attractive.
Should i take you Seriously? Yes.
O.
K.
, But i only Have time to humor One neurotic obsession.
Are we choosing this one? Next time, one of mine? O.
K.
All right.
First of all, You sure it's the same guy That was in the office? Who do you Think it could be? These people think Of you as a god, Something beyond An ordinary human.
That's one of the things That's fucked About being a celebrity.
Yeah, or having living with one Or having sex with one Or a relationship Or whatever we're doing here.
You know, you should Finish your article.
Yeah.
I've got A deadline.
I'm fine.
I'd be willing To talk if I'll shut up.
O.
K.
You should be Disciplined.
Yeah, i know.
Hey.
What are you doing? Someone just Ran by.
Oh, it's o.
K.
It's tom hanks.
He always jogs At this time.
Tom! What would it cost to have The bunker saddam hussein has? He means That secure.
We're going to Wire the windows With an invisible filament that, If broken, sounds an alarm.
Why don't You add bars? I'll live like The birdman Of alcatraz.
Are you familiar with A book called helter skelter? Jack, the hard sell Isn't really necessary.
I'm giving mr.
Sanders The hard, cold reality.
We don't operate That way.
Where did you get This blueprint Of my house? It's on file at The assessor's office, Readily available to Any random kook out there.
I'm sure there's An extensive Application process Required to get this.
[Chuckles.]
It wasn't that that I was concerned about.
I just can't believe I spent the money To move the bathroom.
That was a wise Decision, kiddo.
Who wants to walk That far in the middle Of the night to take a shit? That's what i was figuring-- Are we go with This configuration? Is this the configuration Letterman has? Mr.
Sanders, I'm sure you'll understand I can't comment on that, Just as i would not Tell mr.
Letterman About your configuration, If he asked me.
I understand.
Has he ever asked About my configuration? Larry, would you Like a brownie? Thank you, Darlene.
Phoebe? Oh, yeah.
Coconut? Did your mom Make these? No.
A fan sent them in For you and hank.
Why didn't you say something? What? Who knows what Could be in these? They didn't send The recipe.
Well, take-- Take them.
No.
I want mine.
You want me To hire a taster? No.
We don't need To hire a taster.
Just have that weird Intern do it.
Larry? Hank.
Jesus.
How long have You been there? A few minutes.
I waited for The right time.
Yeah, good choice.
What's up? They don't Understand.
They think you're Being paranoid.
I want you to know, From one celebrity To another, I know how you feel, Because it's scary Out there.
But if you Believe you have An obsessed fan, I believe you.
Thanks.
What have you got? What are you doing? A fucking puppet show? What are you do-- Say hello To peace of mind.
Is this loaded? No, no.
Where did you get this? Let's just say i got it.
Enough said.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Where did you get it? This is The original handgun Fired by jack lord On hawaii five-o.
He gave it to me On my birthday.
You must be A big fan.
No.
I've never seen it, But don't tell jack.
Sure.
It stays Between us.
Thanks.
So you see, It's A solid steel cast.
It's got A grooved grip.
This is the handle.
This baby's A 9-millimeter Beretta.
Apparently, It's the most Efficient handgun In the world.
It's a beauty.
No, no, no.
Please.
No.
I have no handgun Training whatsoever, hank.
I don't think-- Me, neither.
Apparently, you just Point and squeeze.
That's what They tell me.
That's what Who tells you? Don't ask.
Larry, my boy! Artie? Am i interrupting? No.
Corbin bernsen And phil hartman are, As arsenio says, "In the house.
" I want to stop And say hi Before the show.
And Jack's people Are putting in Metal detectors At the studio entrances, So, hank Yes, sir? Hand it over.
This? I'll hang on To this.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Here he comes now.
Larry? Hey! Hey, corbin! Phil.
Thanks For coming.
Larry, what's with The extra security? We always have Extra security When we have Big stars on.
Ha ha! That's why You're the king.
You loaded Tonight? Just a little.
That's what i thought.
Actually, I'm having Some problems With an obsessed fan.
I'm sorry.
It's scary.
I've got a ton of those.
You've got a ton Of obsessive fans? Your show's Still on the air? Yes, phil.
We got The old producers back.
The show's getting Really exciting.
Tune in sometime.
I will tune in.
Aren't you the only saturday night live guy Without some big Movie deal? Come on, come on.
We're all in The same business Kidding, kidding.
Everyone's career Is doing fine.
Have fun out there.
You know what i do-- My people contact The really obsessed ones, And every six months or so, We set up a little meeting.
You're kidding.
No, no.
I let them spend A few minutes with me, Provided they leave me Alone all other times.
Larry, i have a slumber party With my obsessed fans.
We break out The sleeping bags.
Order pizza, Watch everything I've done on video, Then spend hours Talking about me.
It's great.
Very funny, phil.
Seriously It neutralizes them.
In fact, one of them's With me right now.
Get out of here.
I do.
The guy in The green vest.
In the-- I know you.
Hi.
How you doing? You're a friend Of corbin's.
Yeah.
What is this? It's nice for them.
Yeah.
I took 10 of my fans On a caribbean cruise.
You ever do that? No.
It's great to Have you guys here.
Who's the guy With the sunglasses? That's my manager, Mark gervitz.
Get him out of here.
He scares me.
First segment, We load you with Hank kingsley hand towels, You go into the audience.
You ask them their worst Vacation memory.
Not into the audience.
Security thing.
What else you got? [Drill whirring.]
What-- What if we had-- [Whirring continues.]
Do we have to pitch With that guy in here? He's throwing me off.
He's putting in All the new locks.
This is really important.
Can't wait.
What if people come down From the audience? You could put them On the panel-- I don't think the idea Is that funny.
No, it's hilarious.
No, it isn't.
Take my word-- You want to try it? Fred? Fred? Is it fred? Yeah.
What is your Best vacation? Worst vacation.
Ask him again.
What is your Worst vacation? Uh I lost $250 In reno.
Look at that.
How? Slots.
[Chuckles.]
Slots! O.
K.
All right.
What about hillary clinton Diary piece? The whole thing Is in code.
Actually, It's a music box.
Beverly, bring The alarm configuration-- Huh? Bring the alarm Configuration In here, please.
O.
K.
Thank you.
Sorry, guys, sorry.
I'm with you now, Man.
The bill clinton, uh-- Hillary clinton.
Hillary clinton Diary piece.
Shouldn't it be Bill clinton diary? He's the president, Isn't he? I know.
That's not this joke.
Well Maybe we should Come back later? I'm-- Oh, i see what you're-- You think i'm overreacting To this security thing.
That's what it is.
That's 'cause you're Not on tv every night.
You don't know What it feels like.
You're not out there Having tour buses go by your House with fucking psychos Coming in to smell Your clothes.
So-- We didn't say anything.
No, you're insinuating My concentration is fucked.
If i'm not mistaken.
So bill clinton's Diary? I can't think About that right now.
Larry, Francine just called.
The security people caught Somebody in your house.
You're kidding.
Is she o.
K.
? Just a little Shaken.
Everything's All right? She's fine.
What do you two assholes Have to say now? No, i don't live here.
I just started seeing My ex-husband again, And i always end up Staying over here.
I don't know why.
Consequently, I end up leaving For work from here, Which is a pain in the ass Because my apartment is Right next to my job.
You o.
K.
? Oh, larry.
Are you all right? Yes.
I'm fine.
What happened? I was standing In the bathroom.
I heard this noise Coming from the kitchen-- I told you there was a sound.
You didn't believe me.
Get rid of that guy.
All right.
I'll take care of this.
Sorry about this.
That's okay.
These things happen.
Listen, I want to talk to him.
Why? You haven't been on A celebrity stalking case Before, have you? Uh The main thing I wanted to say To you Is that, uh I'm a fan, too, You know? I was a big fan Of jerry lewis, Uh, even before The telethon.
You're Probably thinking, How could i like Somebody who was So broad? But the nutty professor-- I don't know-- That's neither Here nor there.
The main thing Is that I appreciate Every fan, And i'm a human Being, too.
And if you ever Want to talk to me Or see me, Instead Of coming here, Call beverly At my office, And she'll arrange For you To spend A few minutes Talking to me Whenever i can Squeeze it in.
How is that? [Speaking spanish.]
Excuse me.
Does he speak Any english at all? None.
He's from guatemala.
He's only been In the country About four weeks.
So he, basically, Has no idea who i am.
No, he doesn't.
Yeah.
I see.
No, this guy's Broken into Several homes Around here In the last few days.
Random thievery.
Probably Needs money To bring His family over.
How about that? Yeah.
Anything else you Want to say to him? I don't think so.
No.
Excuse me.
None that i can Think of.
vamanos.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know, i really feel Like an idiot.
You're not an idiot.
Everybody gets Paranoid nowadays.
That's o.
K.
I don't think i was Being paranoid.
No? [Bus passing.]
Is that-- That's the tour bus.
We should really go in.
Larry, are you o.
K.
? Fine.
I wish you had that fucking Electrical fence.
What happened? That obsessed fan Broke in larry's house.
Oh, my god! If you only had The electrical fence, All you'd have to do now Is unplug it and hose it down.
Would you like Some monologue jokes About this? That's just What they want.
You talked to him? Yeah.
And? And, uh He was a You know, mixed-up guy Who absolutely just, uh Understood that we're Both human beings.
I don't think He'll be trouble anymore.
Come on.
Don't we have A show to do? Hey.
Hey, are you Really o.
K.
? Yeah.
Because it's fucking Scary out there.
I mean, if you have A demented fan, I have a demented fan.
These people watch This show.
They see me, Half the time.
Should i get A bodyguard? I have a gun, But artie won't let me Bring my gun anymore.
Hank, listen to me.
It was a completely Random burglar.
The guy had no Fucking idea who i was.
No clue whatsoever.
He had no idea Who you were? None.
My god, i'm sorry.
Larry.
un momento.
Larry Did you tell some javier He could see you tomorrow? Yeah.
Yeah.
Would you get corbin bernsen On the phone?