The Last Kids on Earth (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

1
[electronic music playing]
When the whole world has been turned
into a nutso post-apocalyptic crazy land,
you always got to be ready.
-Who is he talking to?
-[crunching] I don't know.
-[brakes squeal]
-[metal clanks]
Between bone-crushing monsters
and mysterious missing zombies,
there's one thing you can say
about being the last kids
left in this crazy world.
-It ru
-It rules!
-Yay!
-[Dirk] All right!
Hey! That was my line!
You were busy doing
a weird movie announcer voice.
Race you to the snacks!
-Dibs on
-All the bowling shoes!
[heavenly sound]
Guys, you're about to make
a lot of friends. [laughs]
-Yeah!
-[munching]
The entire bowling alley,
just for me and my buds.
Championship bowler, Jack Sullivan,
lines up, centers himself, and
-Ugh!
-Ah! Ah!
My babies!
Now I'll never be able to find my size.
Pfft! Let me show you how it's done.
-[machine buzzes]
-[pins clatter]
[zombies moaning]
[moaning]
[snarls]
Uh-oh.
I think we found
some of the missing zombies.
It's worse than that.
It's League Night!
[snarling]
[theme music playing]
Whoa!
[all scream]
[zombies moaning]
-Ah!
-[June] Unh!
-[growls]
-Huh!
[zombies moaning]
Unh! Huh! Ha!
-[growls]
-[fizzes]
Yes! Yikes!
-Order up!
-[dings]
Unh! Huh!
-Ooh!
-Ee-yah! Yuh!
-Yah!
-[snarls]
What do we do, Dingus?
There's a gazillion of 'em!
Uhh
Huh! Dirk! Batter up!
-Hee-yah!
-Huh!
Oh! Ooh! Ah!
-Hunh!
-Hah!
-Ugh!
-[Jack] Huh!
Aw, that should have been a strike.
-[Rover growls]
-Good boy, Rover.
[growls]
Hey, Quint, you see that?
Quint?
-Over here, Jack!
-[snarls]
Stay away!
These are high in saturated fat!
-[moaning]
-Aaah!
-Quint!
-[Dirk] Unh!
Jack!
Huhh! Yuh!
[snarls]
-Ah!
-Quint!
[shrieking in distance]
[distant roar]
[zombies moaning]
-The shrieking.
-[distant shrieking]
Phew.
You you you
th-they almost
You're OK!
[choking] I was.
[nervous laugh]
Sorry.
-Huh, guess that's game. [chugs]
-[Rover panting]
Well, that was creepier than I expected.
And I expected a solid eight
on the creepy scale.
Did you see how the zombies
reacted to the shrieking?
It was like dogs hearing a dog whistle
or something.
Yes, that was most peculiar
indeed?
Hey, buddy.
Just checking under the car
for anything that might kill you.
Zombies, monsters, rusty nails.
Eh, you can't be too careful.
Thanks?
I suppose?
We gotta revise our theories
on the disappearing zombies, Dirk.
I really thought my Cryptosaurus Rex
hypothesis was on the money.
And I guess I was wrong
about alien abductions.
What do you think, brainiac?
I'd like do some real observation,
possibly set up
-a control group of zombies.
-[Jack] Unh!
And maybe
Jack, what are you doing?
The ground is very uneven over here.
You could sprain an ankle.
Then it gets infected.
Next thing you know,
I'm getting out the saw.
I blame Dirk and June's
terrible groundskeeping skills.
[both]
What?! Hey!
-Jinx!
-Jack, put me down.
Why are you acting like my nanny
all of a sudden?
Pfft. I'm not acting like your nanny.
[licks, rubs]
Besides, it's way past your bedtime.
Let's get you a warm glass of milk
and tuck you in and
Oh, all right, fine!
You were almost dead city
a few minutes ago!
It's freaking me out
and making me hyperventilate
and I'd breathe into a paper bag
if there were one lying around here
[inhales]
But there's not,
no thanks to Dirk and June's over-the-top
excellent groundskeeping skills.
[June and Dirk]
Hmm? Jinx again!
Jack, relax.
Being almost dead city is the norm,
but the key word is "almost."
[zombies moaning]
Quint! No!
-Unh!
-Ow!
Jack! What are you doing?
Quint, are you OK?
[sighs]
Nothing a long, hot bath wouldn't cure.
Uh, we don't have a bathtub.
Hmph! Then I am not OK.
Quint! Look out, buddy.
Quint, Quint, no, no!
[sighs]
[groans]
[Quint snoring]
[June and Dirk snoring]
Man
I wish there was someone to talk to.
[Rover snoring]
Uh, whoops.
[whimpers]
Oh, Rover, you're awake!
[nervous laugh]
Look at us, just a pair of night owls.
Might as well come up.
[whimpers]
-[pop-top opens]
-[sighs]
I don't know why I'm so jumpy lately.
-I know it bugs everyone,
-[glass shatters]
but I just, like, worry,
ya know?
-[Rover munching]
-[sighs]
I guess it's just that
Quint and Dirk and June and me
feel like this awesome crew
which makes me majorly super petrified.
[inquisitive whimper]
I've gotta protect them.
I'm gonna
lock 'em all up in this treehouse
so none of them can ever, ever leave!
-Not even if they ask.
-[whimpers]
Yeah, I mean, I'll still feed them
and they'll get sunshine on the weekends,
if they behave, and
Yeah, no, I heard it as soon as I said it.
That was creepy.
-[shrieking]
-Aah!
[gasps]
The shrieking. It's starting again!
-[distant shrieking]
-[zombies moaning]
[Jack]
It's like some sort of zombie summoner!
That's it.
I may not be able to
hide my friends from danger
and we both agree
I definitely can't lock them up
but I can figure out
the source of the shrieking.
Let's go! Just you and
Unh!
Aah! The zombie summoner got me!
Jack! It's me, Quint.
Quint?!
You're the zombie summoner?
Why?
I'm not a zombie summoner.
Oh. Well, then,
why'd you tackle me?
You can't just go around
tackling people like that.
You tackled me this afternoon!
Oh, weird, I don't remember that.
I tackled you to stop you.
I know you want to protect us,
but we're also all rather talented heroes
in our own right.
I'm coming with you!
What?! No way!
Come on, Jack.
With the two of us,
what's the worst that could happen?
-[zombies moan]
-Aah!
-Aaah! Aaah!
-[slurps]
-Toad!
-Aah!
Why do you keep doing that?!
And did you yell "toad"?
-I keep imagining bad stuff.
-Well, stop it!
Now it's just the two of us,
or I wake up Dirk and June,
and it's the four of us.
Ahh, fine.
But change out of your weird
bathrobe shark slipper outfit.
[distant shrieking]
No time! Let us make haste!
-Aah!
-[barks]
[shrieks]
So, Quint, don't you think
it's a little chilly for a robe?
Oh, yay.
Nanny Jack is back.
No. I got your point
about us all being heroes,
and I've taken it in.
[moaning]
No-o-o-o!
Leave Quint out of this!
He's an innocent guy in a fuzzy bathrobe!
Take me instead!
[sobs]
[distant shrieking]
[panting]
Hoo! Right, the shrieking. Heh.
[gasping] Oh, I really want a paper bag
to breathe into.
Are you OK, Jack?
Yes. Yes, I am.
You know what we need?
A higher vantage point.
[Dirk and June snoring]
[roars]
-Huh? What? Unh!
-Huh? What?
[both]
Hey! You woke me up! What? Jinx!
[both]
Ah! Well, if you didn't wake me up,
it must have been
[both]
Hey! Where are Quint and Jack?
Hey. [muffled]
I can't take us
jinxing each other anymore.
-It's too weird. Huh?
-[muffled]
Unh. Agreed.
Did Quint and Jack
seriously take off without us?
Looks like the booger brothers
took Rover, too.
But where would they go
in the middle of the night?
-[distant shrieking]
-[both] The shrieking!
I'll allow that one.
[Jack]
Here we go.
The graveyard?
Isn't a graveyard, by definition,
zombie central?
Nah, all the zombies
are out following the shrieking.
Besides, it's one of the highest points
in Wakefield.
We'll be able to see the whole town
from that tomb over there.
[creaks]
-[scratching]
-[whimpering]
-[crashes]
-Ugh.
Sorry, Ethel Crumb Bean.
Rover. You stay here, bud.
-But stay alert!
-[whimpers]
We'll be right back.
[panting, whimpers]
[snoring]
[Jack] Man.
You'd think that
after you'd seen monsters
come through a portal in the sky,
a graveyard would be less creepy.
-Turns out
-Just as creepy.
-[grunts]
-Hey, you know what?
You stay down here
while I climb this totally-not-dangerous,
totally-not-high-up,
easy-peasy mausoleum thingy.
-[sighs] Fine.
-Kay, great! BRB.
[grunting]
Whoa.
There's so many. They're everywhere.
It's like the Thanksgiving Day
Zombie Parade.
-Literally.
-[camera clicks]
Wow.
Jack. Are you able to see
where they're headed?
Yep. They're headed, uh, that way?
Great! I'm coming up!
No! Quint!
I don't want anything to happen to you.
Just stay down there where it's safe.
Aha! I knew that's the reason
you wanted me to stay dow
[Quint screams]
-Uh!
-Quint!
[rumbling]
Uhh
[roars]
I can't believe we never noticed
we have the same favorite hat.
Probably just a coincidence,
like the jinxing.
Yeah, coincidence.
There's no way
you and I have anything real in common.
-[squawks]
-[June] We're nothing alike.
[whines]
Like, watch.
-Favorite food?
-[both] Pizza.
Too easy. Um
-Favorite animal?
-[both] A hawk.
[both]
'Cause it sees everything.
[June groans]
[roars]
Aah!
Hey, you big hairy eyeball!
Here's mud in your eye!
-Yah!
-[growls]
Yah! Unh!
Run!
[snarling]
[Jack and Quint scream]
Quint? Why is that eyeball
covered in hair?
[roars]
[Jack and Quint]
Ahh!
I believe I know the answer
to your question!
Me too! Where's Rover?
[murmurs, snores]
[snarling]
We're sorry we bothered you,
Mr. Hairy Eyeball Monster!
Apology apparently not accepted!
[Jack and Quint]
Ahh!
Wait! Look!
[Quint]
He's out of quills!
The bestiary!
This is a chance to get some essence.
Not so tough now, are ya,
you big, bald cyclops?
-I'm sorry.
-[snarls]
Duck and cover!
Thanks.
Unh!
Aaah!
Aah! Quint!
What are you doing? Get up!
I-I can't!
[snarling]
Oh, man.
[June] Argh!
We have absolutely everything in common!
-I know!
-I'm sick of it!
[cries] Me too!
That means we have being-sick-
of-being-in-common in common too!
[both]
Argh!
Oh, my!
[moaning]
Stay back! Or
or I'll poke your eye out!
[snarls]
Unh! Uh! Yuh!
Aah!
[nervous laugh]
[snarling]
Ahh!
[shutter clicks]
[shutter clicking]
[roars]
[snarling]
[whimpering]
Ha! Talk about a photo finish,
right, Quint?
Quint?
I realized
the camera flash would blind him,
because I'm so intelligent.
Dude, hold on.
It's been fun, friend.
Tell the world!
Tell the world our story.
-Uhh
-No, Quint! Quint!
Oh, man, this is all my fault!
I was trying to stop bad things
from happening to you, but I
[crying]
Oh, what have I done?
[screams] Quint!
What?
You're alive!
But, I thought you were
The quill went right through
your
bathrobe?
Huh. Looks like it
just grazed my arm a bit.
I'm A-OK, my friend.
You're A-OK!
And you're in your underwear now.
Oh, yeah, I suppose I am.
Uh-oh. You got grazed, too.
Is that bad?
Probably not.
They're just quills, like a porcupine.
How do you feel?
Uh, never better.
Well, actually, now that you mention it,
a little, uh [sniffles]
a bit emotional! [sobbing]
-What?
-It [sniffles]
It must be the-the-the quills.
But it can't be,
because I don't feel emotional.
I feel I feel
extremely emotional!
[sobbing]
The chemical properties
must be similar to chopped onions.
[both sobbing]
Let's get outta here.
But how?
[sobbing]
I can't see through all these tears.
[crying]
Don't worry, my friend,
I think the way out is over here.
[both crying]
[moaning]
Well, if we're stuck
having everything in common,
I hope you're as peeved as I am
that Jack and Quint took off on their own.
Sure am. Bunch of dorks.
Like, you gotta trust your crew.
If you're gonna be all in,
be all in, you know?
Oh, I know, because I'm all in. Are you?
Not trying to get anywhere else?
Yeah. Duh, of course.
I just
Got one foot out the door?
Aching to move back home?
You know what?
You don't know what it's like,
because you don't have a famil
-[gasps]
-A what?
A
mouth that talks
before your brain thinks, like me.
I guess that's something
I have more in common with
[gasps] Jack!
You can just say his name normal.
No, I mean, Jack! And Quint!
Up there, look!
What are they doing?
[Jack and Quint sobbing]
[sniffles]
You know what really stung, my friend?
The [sniffs]
The monster quills?
Indeed!
[sobbing]
But also when you tried to ditch me
t-tonight.
It was rough, buddy.
You're right! It was!
[both wailing]
But I wasn't trying to ditch ya.
I was trying to protect ya,
to keep ya alive!
[crying]
And instead,
you almost got us both killed!
[sobs]
I'm so sorry, my friend.
I realize now
that trying to do things on my own
to protect you guys
ends up putting us all in danger.
[sobs] Come here.
[both wailing]
[crying continues]
[June]
We gotta get over there.
They're about to cliff dive
into a zombie mosh pit!
[zombies moaning]
[Dirk]
I'm trying! There's too many zombies!
Too bad for them! Speed up!
No! That's not
Hey! We're finally disagreeing!
[laughs] Oh, yeah, we are!
Now speed up!
-[engine revs]
-Hey!
[zombies]
Ugh! Oh!
How's that for all in?
[distant shrieking]
I still can't really see,
but I think that's the entrance.
Wait!
One last embrace before we leave.
Let's never stop hugging.
[both sobbing]
[Dirk]
I am not comfortable with this!
Grr! Let me drive! You're too slow!
Fine! But now you're just being contrary.
-Am not.
-See?
-[engine revs]
-[zombies yell]
[tires squealing]
Hey, you yutzes! Stop walking!
You're gonna go off the cliff!
[horn honking]
-[distant honking]
-[Rover muttering]
[Quint]
This is definitely the way.
[Jack] Wait!
One quick selfie
to commemorate another terrific adventure.
[sobbing]
Such eloquent words.
[Dirk]
Why are they still going?!
Something's wrong.
We have to break their fall somehow.
-Airbags!
-Filling an inflatable kiddie pool
with water. Oh, yeah,
your idea's way better.
-Glad we're not sharing a brain anymore.
-Me too. Press every button!
[horn honks]
[quacks]
-Oh, it is a kiddie pool!
-Yes!
-[tires spinning]
-Oh, no, we're stuck!
[June]
And not close enough!
[Quint] Oh, wait.
-This isn't the exit from the graveyard.
-[sobs]
It's the entrance
to a next level of friendship.
[both sobbing]
Come on, come on!
[cracking]
[both]
Whoa!
[Jack and Quint screaming]
[Rover grunting]
[screaming, sobbing]
[both]
Aaaah! Unh!
-[duck quacks]
-You guys!
-Are you OK?
-[sobbing]
Guess not.
We heard the shrieking
and wanted to see where the zombies went?
But then a monster hit us with his quills,
and they made us cry so bad,
we couldn't see.
They made us sad like onions do!
[sobs]
Onions don't make you sad, Dingus.
They don't?
[both sobbing]
[Rover howls]
Wait. Jack!
I'm starting to be able to see again.
I think our tears have been helping
to flush out the toxin from the quills.
Wait, why are you guys here?
We're here because you ditched us
and then you fell off a giant cliff.
And we saved you!
You guys are all heroes!
[crying]
I love you all so much!
-Unh! Unh!
-[monster screams]
[muffled]
[crying]
-[slurps]
-Aah!
[Jack and Quint sobbing]
[sighs] Nerds.
Ow!
[Jack, Quint, Dirk sobbing]
Wait.
You guys have matching hats?
[sighs] Guess we'll solve
the zombie mystery tomorrow.
[Jack, Quint, Dirk sobbing]
[tires squeal]
[sobbing continues]
[zombies grunt]