The League of Gentlemen (1999) s02e04 Episode Script

Please, Hilary, where are we going? - There's going to be a delivery.
- A special delivery? The Red Cross arrive in a few hours, so I want to be in and out.
Sharpish.
(GRUFF MALE VOICE) So you've got a big do on? - Our annual conference, Barbara.
- Annual piss-up.
All the top brass from head office come down for a bit of male bonding.
Maybe I should come with you.
Mind you, who'd want to bond with me? I'm neither nowt nor summat.
You all right, Barbara? You sound a bit down.
To tell you the truth, I'm on.
- What do you mean - on? - Time of the month.
I woke up this morning and me bed's like a butcher's slab.
Disgusting! - Biologically, how can you? - God knows.
Maybe it's psychosomatic.
All I know is I'm back to where I started.
What? A fat hairy man in a dress? Right.
I've had enough of this! Get out! You can bloody walk to your conference.
Chauvinist pig! - Well done, Geoff (!) - It's not my fault! As a woman, I could have you under the Sex Discrimination Act! As a woman, we could have you under the Trades Descriptions Act! Um, all right.
Who would win out of "Alien" and "Species"? Er - "Alien One"? - Yeah.
- "Species.
" - Incorrect! Alien could bleed acid onto Species when Species is a naked woman.
That would be a video worth watching.
(HUMMING) How are we doing for bags, dear? Just a minute, dear.
I'm in the book.
- You're having a look? - No.
I'm in the book.
- No need to be rude, dear.
- I'm not being rude, dear.
- You are rude, dear.
- I'm not.
Excuse me? Just a minute, dear.
Is it two Ts in "cassette", dear? - What's that? Two Ts? - Yes.
- Right.
- Cassette.
What can I do for you, dear? - I brought you some stuff.
- Lovely! Good stuff, is it? A lot of it's new.
Mainly baby stuff.
I just won't need it any more.
- What's that? - A teddy.
It's a teddy, is it? Yes.
It's new.
I could have taken it back, but It needs a special mark on it or we can't take it.
I don't know.
No.
I can't take it without a special mark.
- Special mark? - Here we are, dear.
Two teas.
- I didn't make you one.
- That's OK.
- What's that? - A teddy.
- Has it got a special mark on it? - No.
I was just explaining.
- We can't take this.
- Why not? It's not safe.
All the safe ones have got a special mark.
- It could have glass in it.
- Or sand, dear.
- A kiddie could die.
- It's a death-trap.
It wouldn't be right if we took it.
- I think the Spastics will have it.
- They'll take anything.
- Or Cancer.
A few doors down.
- Right.
Oh! We'll keep the bag, if we may, dear.
- It's a good bag.
- Plastic, is it? Has it got a special mark on it? - Special mark? - Yes.
Or we can't take it.
- You could kill a kiddie.
- Death-trap, is it? - It hasn't got one.
- We can't take it.
It's not safe.
Well, give it to the Spastics, then! Ooh! Well, she's no need to be so rude, has she, dear? - No, dear.
Two teas? - Yeah.
I'll get them.
You've got Ouse FM this afternoon, then a press conference at the town hall.
This is Look North, which is going out live, so Are you going to tell me I can't swear? You do have a bit of a reputation.
I won't turn the air blue, Murray.
Don't worry.
Now, where do I stand? - You know we're going out live? - Don't worry.
Thank you.
I'm joined by the Mayor of Royston Vasey, Larry Vaughn.
Mayor Vaughn, a lot of activity in the town today.
Yes.
It's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
It's a routine vaccination programme, sort of having a flu jab.
Right.
What about the nosebleeds? (CROWD) Ah, the nosebleeds.
It's perfectly innocent.
No need to panic.
- Mayor Vaughn, thank you.
- It's a fucking pleasure.
(ECSTATIC GROANING) Hello, love.
Is your mum in? Ron, I'm nearly there! Use me! Use me! Would you tell her Mrs Levinson's here? Yeah.
Mum! Hello, Mrs Levinson.
I got your place all spick and span.
I wasn't expecting you back yet.
Obviously.
We were just doing some DIY.
Ron was filling a crack in the bedroom.
So I heard.
The plane was early.
I thought I'd pop round for my keys.
Right.
Come in.
I'll put a brew on.
Behave! Tanya, get down.
She's just had another litter.
- You or the dog? - What? Nothing.
So Is your Ricky out on parole yet? Terrible business that.
Dropping cement blocks off the flyover.
It were never proved.
I'm sure your Ricky's blameless.
Eddy and I can't wait to attend our Matthew's graduation.
He's done ever so well.
A first.
I'm so proud.
Have you ever considered college for your ten? If I'd not had that still-birth, we'd have had a football team, so I wonder if you'd come round this afternoon and do a couple of hours? I want the place clean, what with this health scare.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you mean.
I can see how hard it must be with so many.
The mischief they get up to - not just Ricky.
There was Damian and that toddler in the quarry pond.
Still You've got this place nice.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
Hello? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
I'm writing a card for the shop window.
"Wanted.
No-tail (a woman) to marry our son David "in the attic.
" Show me.
Change that to "local no-tail".
(ROARING) All right, David! Dadda's coming! Hello there.
Yes.
Can I help you at all? Do you know if there's a garage anywhere? I ran out of petrol.
Pet-rol? A litre should get me into town.
Oh! This is a local shop for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
It is an emergency.
I'm delivering medical supplies.
You couldn't fill it up for me? Oh, all right! But I've only just gone this morning.
I'll try to find a garage.
If I could just Edward! What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
He's trying to grab my pet-rol! He spoke of walking, but not on legs.
Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs.
- Well, I've got a car.
- Devil! Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse drawn, belching Satan's black wind into our clean and local air.
This is a decent town and a local shop.
There's nothing for you here! Fine.
I'll be off.
Edward? Don't worry, Tubbs.
He won't get far! Hello, Justin.
How are you? - All right.
- Alles klar.
Now, I've just been looking at my pink pomphlet and I see that this afternoon we're going to be seeing some caves in the lovely town of Royston Vasey, which will be a real good treat.
But to make love with the boys this morning, I thought we could play football.
- Great.
England versus Germany.
- Ja.
You could be the capital of Royston Vasey, - and I'll be the queen of Duisberg.
- We can toss for sides.
- Oh? - Heads or tails? I'm easy, Justin.
I know which side I'm playing on.
OK.
Do we have a Pam Doove next? Or a Pamela Doove? I'm Pam Doove.
- Hello.
How are you? - A bit nervous.
Don't worry.
- Is it Pam or Pamela? - Pam, Pamela, whatever.
OK.
Pamela.
My name's Jed Hunter.
I'm directing this commercial.
- How much has your agent told you? - Not very much.
OK.
Don't worry about that.
Basically, we're looking for a fresh face for Greenwood's orange juice.
We're in a newsagent's.
It's a beautiful day outside, and a young girl - Pamela - walks into the shop, Iooks around a bit and says, "Excuse me.
Has anyone got a bottle of orange juice??" And that's it.
Do you want movements within it? No, no.
She comes into the shop, obviously, she says, "Excuse me.
Has anyone got a bottle of orange juice??" And that's it.
So if you wanted to give us that in your own time, that'd be cool.
Do you think I could go out and come back in again? Whatever's good for you, Pamela.
Cool, cool, cool.
Eskewed beef! Have anybody got any bokkle orange joof?! OK.
Um I don't know what happened there, Pamela.
I lost the line.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think more diction.
Some of the words were "Excuse me.
Has anyone got a bottle of orange juice??" - I'll go out and come back again.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Eskewed beef! Haff anybody got any bokkle orange joof?! OK.
Again, I'm not getting the sense of the line as written.
She's 24, she's walking into a newsagent's and saying, "Excuse me.
Has anyone got a bottle of orange juice??" Just lighten her up a bit.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Eskewed beef! Have anybody got any bokkle orange joof?! That too happy? Do you get much work as an actress? - No.
- No.
Uncle Harvey? Auntie Val? Hello, Benjamin.
Oh, God! Sorry.
Ah, Benjamin.
What's the matter? Well, you're naked.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, Benjamin.
In this house, the first Monday of every month is Nude Day.
- Oh? - Yes.
Yes.
A day when we cast aside the paraphernalia of the 21st century and return to a simpler way of life, closer to nature's intentions.
We've been to the supermarket, the post office and the newsagent.
You've been wandering around like that? We can't get the bus.
There's nowhere to put the change! Well, I think I'll go out and get some fresh air.
No, no, no, no, no.
As I say, today is Nude Day.
I don't understand.
Strip.
I'm sorry? Take off your clothes.
We can't make any exceptions, Benjamin.
Surely you remember the rhyme? "On the first of the month, we see clearly.
"To be clothed all the time costs us dearly.
"So constricture away, be happy and gay, "Let your bum, balls and ninnies swing freely.
" No.
I don't remember that one.
Oh, poor boy.
He's forgotten everything.
- Come along, Benjamin.
- Well, if you're sure.
Yes.
This is how we always do it.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Ah, get that for me, Benjamin.
Your uncle and I have some things to attend to.
Just checking I've got enough vaccine.
I thought I'd give you your jabs while I'm here.
Oh.
Benjamin! What are you doing? What is the meaning of this? Butt-naked in the lobby of this house.
Doubtless you've been in the bathroom, spraying your belly with sticky white love piss.
- You said - Take the boy upstairs, Val.
I think you're right, Mr Denton.
The boy's obviously in a state of some confusion.
Yes.
Perhaps a strong sedative of some kind.
Say, Chloromazapine 20 milligrams? Extraordinary behaviour.
If it were your Nude Day I could understand.
Exactly.
But that doesn't fall till the fifteenth.
Just tell him Hello? Just tell him the Royston Vasey contingent will No.
Royston Vasey.
We're so late now.
We'll miss the Plastics in the Millennium seminar.
And the cakes at the start.
- Do you know where we're going? - Do bears shit in the woods? No, but I might if we don't get there soon.
We used to use a dock leaf in TAs.
- Have you got through? - No.
The battery's dead.
- Where the hell are we? - I say we go back.
Everyone else is going to be there! - Sshh! - What? Sshh! (HE FARTS) One nil! Geoff, it's serious.
If we don't get to the conference We'll get there.
I know exactly where we are.
I was in the TAs.
That is north.
That is magnetic north.
And just over this brow here is our hotel.
Just across that river.
- I'm going back.
- We're in the middle of nowhere! - What are we going to do? Swim?! - Girls, girls, girls.
- I was in the TAs.
- So what? I can get us across in ten minutes flat.
We used to do it week in, week out.
- What about our suits? - You won't get a splash on you.
Trust me.
It'll be fine.
Help me! Help me, Mike! Help me! Well, we're across.
Oh, there you are, Mrs Levinson.
Those sodding Germans woke me up, Iris.
I had to have a lie-down.
Marks & Spencer's wiped me out.
It's not what it used to be.
People use it like a supermarket.
- Really? - Mind you, it's dear.
But isn't everything these days? It must be hard for you, love.
I don't suppose you get much money from Ron flogging roses in the middle of the A54.
- We get by.
- Oh, I know.
But it's a bare kind of existence.
Then you have to come here and see how Eddy and I enjoy life.
It must make you feel like a little Rwandan Iet loose in Harrod's Food Hall.
You're right, Mrs Levinson.
My little buggers eat me out of house and home.
But at least they're not faddy.
It must have been hell, that business with your Nicola.
(BALL BANGS) Honestly! They'll have a window through! Special plates, separate cutlery, that fuss with rubber gloves.
I'll talk to their teacher.
Wouldn't have milk or bread, - or go near a potato.
- Iris! When she did eat, she couldn't keep it in.
We never knew which end it'd come out of! Do you remember that smell in her bedroom? Under the ceiling tiles, we found them Morrison's bags full of sick.
Please! In the psychiatric ward, she has to eat what she's given, seeing as it comes through a tube.
I'm going outside to have strong words before there's an accident.
It's getting as bad as your estate.
I know, Mrs Levinson.
Must make you want to throw up.
I couldn't possibly, Mrs de Courcey.
Oh, but we insist.
A present for Uncle Vetty from Bentley.
For all your kindnesses.
I'm ever so worried about him, Mr Chinnery.
He's normally such a sprightly little fellow, aren't you, darling? Hello.
Hello, Bentley.
Hmm.
(FART) Please be gentle with him.
We haven't been firm enough with Bentley.
What did he have for breakfast this morning? - Um Winalot.
- And what else? A little poached salmon.
Umfoie gras.
Sliced truffle.
(FARTING) Remember what we talked about, Mrs de Courcey? Bentley's a dog.
He's not a person.
- But - Look at his belly.
Distended with methane from the rich rubbish you've been feeding him.
Oh, but he's so delicate.
He's not made of china.
I fear a serious bowel disorder has been precipitated.
So I'm going to have to perform a rectal examination.
Oh! Oh, Bentley.
Oh, you brave little soldier.
There we go.
Poor little Bentley.
I think you'll find he's more robust than you give him credit for.
(SQUELCHING) Oh, dear.
That's it, Tubbs.
Fill her up.
A little more.
All right.
Stop.
Get in.
I don't know why we never thought of this before.
If the no-tails won't come to us, we must go to them.
We'll have a bride for David in no time.
Edward, how do I make it walk? Patience, Tubbs, patience.
We must read the instructions thoroughly.
(ENGINE REVS, GEARS CRUNCH) We don't want anyone getting hurt.
OK.
Who would win out of "Gandhi" and "Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit"? Um It's not too bad, love.
The lease is only for a year.
We've got our privacy.
That's the main thing.
Oh, good.
You are at home.
I'm sure you don't mind a visit from your landlord.
- What are you doing, Mr? - Call me Pop, Gary.
And you, Lynne, how are you, eh? OK.
We're going to be good friends, me and you, Lynne.
Good friends.
But now, my friends, I bring gifts for you.
This is a custom from the old country whenever you move to a new home.
A bull's heart that you will always have strength.
A manure that you will always be fertile.
This last, Gary, this is for you.
But now, my friends, I have bad news.
What is it? It's my lawyers.
They are vampyr.
They bleed me dry! I say to them, I have a property for a fine young couple.
They are not tenants to me.
They are like my children.
I want to give them a good start.
But the lawyers they say no.
Is business.
They want to put the rent up by a hundred quid.
No! But don't worry, Gary, Pop stand up to them.
We do a deal.
So now is only £90 more.
Oh, thanks! But, hey, what am I thinking about? This is your first week in your new home.
There is no place for Pop here.
I go.
I come back for the money in the morning.
Oh, don't worry.
I have my own key.
Oh.
You are a lucky man, Gary.
A lucky, lucky man.
You look nervous, Samuel.
Of course I'm nervous.
It's this public health thing.
They're sniffing round.
- What if they find something? - They'll find nothing.
Trust me.
I dealt with Maurice.
I can deal with this.
You dealt with Maurice? I don't think we'll have any trouble from our resident magistrate.
Can you be sure? Fear is the best insurance that money can buy.
Audrey's Pat has got a nosebleed, and Denise from Thresher's, and even Trevor who fetches my coleslaw.
And you know Dan who works with me in the sandwich shop? She said they might be having compulsory health inspections.
Do you want to carve, love? All right, Brian? I found a good splint.
- I'm going to tie it to your leg.
- Please don't, Geoff.
- Aagh! - All right, all right.
I brought you some dock leaves in case you want that bab.
Where's Mike? He said he'd only be an hour.
Probably lost.
He can't read the land like I can.
I bet they don't find us for days.
- Oh, Christ! - I'll look after you.
- I brought you some food.
- What is it? Just eat them.
They're good for you.
Are you not having any? No.
I've got this.
Found it in my pocket.
I wish I'd stayed in the TAs.
I was good at that.
I wanted to join the army.
They said I was too fat.
This job I'm doing now I'm no good at it.
Mike hates me.
- That's not true, Geoff.
- It is! And I bet I get blamed for all this.
Yeah, well, I'll show him.
If I can get us back to that hotel in front of that board, hopefully with you still alive.
Maybe I'll have done something - one thing to show them what I'm capable of.
They know what you're capable of.
- Sshh! - Oh, not again, Geoff.
(STICK CRACKS) What was that? It could be the enemy.
What enemy? Aaaagh! Who is it? It's Mike.