The Life and Movies of Erşan Kuneri (2022) s02e04 Episode Script
Wrapped Up: Yaprak
1
[theme music playing]
Whenever we do a scene,
I become the man or the woman.
Yeah, you made such a good woman.
I would never have guessed. [laughs]
- You remember when Dustin Hoffman
- Cut it.
Tülay, lose that pillow
because you're not pregnant.
Has Mami come?
Uh-huh. At least twice a day.
- Oh, please, for God's sake. Come on.
- [Tülay chuckles]
Good evening.
Congratulations, it's a fetus.
For God's sake,
Erşan, would you knock it off already?
It took me all morning, but I found it.
Yaprak Sarması by Cemil Nadir.
- Erşan, want a taste?
- Oh, I wish. Which reminds me, Tomris.
There's something we need to discuss.
As you know,
we've made two films together now
without shooting a single dangerous scene.
So why do I have a bill charging me
10,000 liras for Seyyal's stunt double?
- First I heard of it.
- Really?
Good evening, everyone.
- Ah!
- [Erşan] Tell me something.
Who was Seyyal's stunt double,
and why did they cost 10,000 liras?
That was me.
The fee was based on our verbal agreement.
Are you fucking with me here?
What stunts did we need for Seyyal?
Don't you remember it?
I did all her skiing in Time for Skiing.
- Oh, really?
- [Payro] Yes.
- [Erşan] Is that so?
- Yes, I swear to God.
Listen, man, you played Şadi, remember?
What skiing are you talking about?
Really, Erşan, you think I'd lie
to you for 10,000 liras?
How much would you lie for?
I'd lie for
a lot less than you do. [laughs]
I'm gonna watch that movie again
and prove it to you.
Look, Erşan, we agreed 10,000 liras
for Seyyal's skiing.
I put my body on the line for it.
If every body Seyyal went
through cost that, I'd uh, pardon me.
- Toast?
- Oh, I wish.
Erşan, come on, you were talking about
this book you found.
Oh, that's right. Yaprak Sarması.
I've always wanted
to adapt a book like this.
I read this as a boy.
Just needs a few adjustments,
a real mansion to shoot in,
and it's ready to go.
Cemil Nadir's Yaprak Sarması.
Ah. So the opening credits
will say "based on the novel," huh?
Yes, that's right.
"Based on the novel by."
I've always dreamed of doing that.
Here's another dream I have.
To put a musical on stage.
I'll do that too. You just watch me.
- Erol will be jealous.
- Erol's gonna be jealous, huh?
You can bet on it.
My life's sole ambition is
to make Erol jealous.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome, Şermin.
Şermin, want a taste?
Oh, I wish, but I'm on a diet.
Erol Evgin offered me a role.
[hums fanfare]
Which Erol Evgin?
How many Erol Evgins are there?
As of now, apparently two.
The Erol Evgin who I love so much
and the one trying to steal my actress.
- [laughs]
- Well, it sounded great at the audition.
They're putting on
an enormous musical at the Şan Theater
and calling it Something Like That.
Terrible name.
He should've put some thought into it.
- Is Haldun Dormen directing?
- [mocks] Is Haldun Dormen directing?
Congratulations, Şermin.
Mami's just a little jealous.
You mad at me?
No, how can I be?
Haldun Dormen and Erol Evgin,
these men are household names.
Any one of us would go if they asked.
Hey, like the headlining act,
I have arrived late.
I'm sorry, everybody.
My waxing girl took her time.
Do I have a mustache, babe? Huh?
- I told her to be quick.
- [laughing]
Oh, I'm starving, gimme.
Kumsal, a question for you, babe.
Haldun Dormen. Would you go if he asked?
No, those days are behind me.
I mean, it's been years
since I last made a house call.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
What are you guys talking about?
Where am I going? What?
Oh, you're too much.
Şermin is going to be
in Erol Evgin's new musical.
Shut up!
Oh, yes, either Erol Evgin's musical
or else our measly film
"based on the novel" Yaprak Sarması.
And I was planning
to offer the role of Yaprak to Şermin.
[Şermin] Oh, please, don't do this.
Everyone knows that
"based on the novel" films are amazing.
Yeah? Pick one, then.
Erol Evgin's or my
"based on the novel" film. Go ahead.
Hmm. Yaprak Sarması, huh?
Yes. One week to shoot. You'll be Yaprak.
Choose Erol, girl.
- Definitely Erol.
- Erol, you idiot!
- All right, I choose our film.
- Oh, yes!
[laughs] Oh, my God, you totally
tricked him into casting you, didn't you?
If she did, she'll regret it.
Şermin, you've made the right decision.
That's why you're my Yaprak.
- [laughing]
- You've got the starring role.
You guys, I was
just kidding about Erol Evgin.
I only read a story in the paper.
- Oh!
- No way.
See that? That's how
you land yourself a leading role.
She played you like a country fiddle.
Well done. Just so long as you
never test me with Erol ever again.
Erşan, he says he's your brother.
Should I kick his ass?
Erşan, for the love of God,
the homeless are nearly
on the verge of starvation.
The 10,000 you gave me
the other day only went so far.
"Cemal," they told me,
"ask your generous brother
if he could give us
5,000 more before tomorrow."
- That's what the homeless said?
- All together, in unison.
It was unbelievable.
- Unbelievable is right.
- Want an acting job?
Films are hard. You shoot a dozen takes
for a two-minute sequence.
Nah, I could do it for 7,500.
Although 10,000 is better.
- How about that?
- [Erşan] 7,500.
It's a film, based on the novel
by Cemil Nadir, Yaprak Sarması.
Cemal, wanna taste mine?
Don't I wish?
[laughing]
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
WRAPPED UP: YAPRAK
BASED ON THE NOVEL BY CEMİL NADİR
[playing classical music]
CEMAL TARAKÇI AS NECİP
KUMSAL GÜNEŞ AS MACİDE
TOMRİS BEYOĞLU AS FİGEN
ERŞAN KUNERİ AS NAZİF
CENGİZ GÜMÜŞ AS FİKRE
SEYYAL PAR AS NEBİBE
AYHUN UŞUK AS FAİK
MUAMMER RADO AS HASAN
ADAPTED FOR THE SCREEN BY ERŞAN KUNERİ
DIRECTED BY ERŞAN KUNERİ
RECORDED AT 1000 VOLT STUDIOS
Bravo. Brava and bravo.
I was expecting another European sonata.
Good for you, Figen.
Nebibe, my dear, your sister
is most definitely full of surprises.
Yes, brother. She's hard to keep up with.
A Paganini would give me a run
for my money.
- I'm not young anymore.
- [scoffs] You're right about that.
- [laughs]
- You're embarrassing me.
Figen, what's the special occasion, hmm?
Do tell. For a moment,
I thought we were selling the mansion.
I'm surprised at Nazif. I didn't think
my brother could be more shameless.
Don't be jealous. You're just the only one
of us without any talent for music.
You're wrong. I always carry my recorder.
And I'd much rather listen to Figen
than endure your little displays.
That's quite enough out
of you today, sport.
You know, I hate it
when he calls me "sport."
Fikret, what has you so pensive?
What do you think? I'm a morphine addict.
[Necip] What a thing to say.
Do you believe that?
It's the new rumor
that Hasan's been spreading.
That's what he's been telling everybody.
He saw me with a syringe.
Never mind the fact I have diabetes.
Imagine what he'd say
if I told him I was melancholic?
Spreading a rumor is worse
than the thing itself.
I'll give him a warning.
You know how these peasants are.
They see everything
through their little blinders.
- Is that just peasants, brother?
- [laughing]
Faik, you don't have to object
to everything we say.
Especially when you're with people
with a better education.
Oh, here we go again with him boasting
about his private education.
I am a graduate
of Kabataş Boys High School.
Oh, really?
Well, the men are talking now, boy.
Oh, perhaps you can tell us something
of your career at the Italian High School.
We'd especially like to hear
your stories of debauchery.
Don't be insolent, Faik.
At Italian High School,
they used to call me Giovanni Nazif.
Oh, really, Giovanni Nazif?
You don't even know
what you're talking about.
Boys, stop this bickering.
That's enough. Sit down.
I have an announcement.
I've hired a young girl
for the mansion as help.
She'll be arriving soon.
Decent, sweet, innocent.
Hasan can't do everything
by himself anymore.
Oh, I don't know, brother.
I guess she could help with dinner
and only dinner, Nazif.
A young girl, you said?
Did you hear that?
All his brains are in his crotch.
- Do you want me to strangle you?
- [Faik] Hmm.
What's the matter? No "sport" this time?
Too afraid to say it?
That's enough. What a thing to say. Huh!
The girl is young, ordinary.
In the end, I just hope she adapts
and learns her way around the house
so we can all live in harmony.
That can't be her, can it?
There's a dreamy-looking girl
in the front yard.
I can't even believe you.
Let me see her, wait.
She hasn't wasted any time.
She looks so innocent.
Look, she's trembling like a leaf.
A leaf, you say? Like her name. Yaprak.
[Nazif] Yaprak, huh?
[Macide] I know
this cunning type from a mile away.
Don't be indulgent with her, Faik.
- So, we'll call her Yaprak?
- Don't these maids always have a nickname?
[Fikret] We can call her "spring cloud."
She looks more like a little
pine cone or something to me.
I think we should call her "sweetheart."
Sweetheart is nice.
- It should be "field mouse." [laughs]
- Why not "gelato scoop"?
- Wit brought to you by Kabataş School.
- [Faik] Hmm!
Oh, so beautiful, isn't she?
[gasps] What are you waiting for?
Open the door.
She's got dewy eyes.
[Nazif] A hot piece.
I'm sorry.
Uh, I mean, she looks a bit hot out there.
Perhaps it's the climate.
It may be she's just hot.
Whatever. She looks like a demon to me.
[Nebibe] Welcome.
[laughing]
Not much meat on her bones, Nazif.
Well, small pieces are just as tasty.
[clears throat]
Well, welcome, to our home.
- Thank you, sir. Please allow me to
- No, dear, that's all right.
Hasan, come to the foyer.
You called, sir?
Help Yaprak settle in to her room.
Our room is the closest one
to the kitchen, isn't it, Nebibe?
Perhaps her room should be close by.
Um, upstairs is safer.
There's an empty room
in the attic next to Figen's.
Maybe she can stay there.
And what would you know
about Figen's room?
It's huge. Your house is beautiful.
I've never seen anything like it.
You could die of happiness here.
How difficult living here must be.
[gasps] I'm being rude. Please forgive me.
It is huge. You'll see that better
once you start cleaning.
Hasan.
[Hasan] Come, dear. Come, this way.
I hope I don't disappoint you. [shouts]
[gasps] Why, you clumsy ox.
Be careful.
That's all right.
[Hasan] Here you go, dear. Eat up.
You've come a long way.
Go ahead, eat your fill.
And then you can settle
in your quarters, okay?
I will. Thank you, sir.
You think they'll ever like me, huh?
Or accept me as one of them?
To be honest with you,
I've been here for 34 years.
Mr. Necip and I have never gone dancing.
He's never taken me out for any fun.
[laughs]
I'm joking, of course.
Everything about them is different,
Yaprak, trust me.
Their society is different.
Even how they eat and drink.
Never mind them.
You just worry about your livelihood.
Wait. While we're alone.
Look, Faik and Nazif,
you watch yourself around them.
Keep both eyes open.
For example,
even for something like accidentally
dropping a spoon,
I look around
at least three times before bending down.
- Oh, no!
- [laughs]
And that's what happens
when you drop the spoon.
[chuckles] Oh, sir,
we were just joking around, sir.
- Hmm. Not even a kiss?
- Mwah!
[laughs] Hilarious.
Mr. Nazif and his sense of humor.
How are things in here?
What are we having tonight?
We'll start with consommé.
And then chicken cordon bleu,
or if you prefer,
there's bouillabaisse as well.
And for dessert,
we'll have macarons topped with jam.
- And if I want something else?
- There won't be anything else.
Hmm. Perhaps not.
Oh, are your eyes hazel or brown,
would you say?
They're hazel, sir.
[Nazif] Hmm.
Sorry.
All right, then.
[Hasan exhales]
- [gasps, grunts]
- I must have you again.
- I want you to come to my room tonight.
- Of course, my love. [laughs]
If I catch you eyeing that girl again,
I'll kill you.
What girl? [chuckles]
- I'll shoot 'em off.
- All right. Hey, wait a minute.
[sighs]
[gasps] Jerk! I see how intimate
you've become with your wife.
You think I didn't notice
you topping off her liquor glass twice
in front of my eyes?
No, darling, don't be silly.
I can't carry this forbidden love anymore.
It won't be long.
We'll move to the countryside.
Let's get out of here.
There's nothing here
but cheating and schemes.
Always some ambition.
I swear, this mansion
will drive me insane.
- [Fikret] Yaprak!
- I've got my eye on you.
Yaprak!
What are you doing
yelling "ass-crack" in the mansion?"
I said "Yaprak," you vulgar oaf.
- Why, you
- Is she in there?
I was gonna ask her
for a cup of hibiscus tea.
You filthy addict.
Getting the maid involved? You pervert.
- [Necip] Faik!
- Coming, brother.
Get in there, sport.
I have nothing but resentment
for you, brother, you know.
Really? Must be the mansion.
[laughs] You should move
to the countryside. Read my lips.
What did you say?
Well, if you went to a good school,
you'd understand.
[classical music playing]
- [indistinct chattering]
- [Nazif] Leave her alone.
[Macide] Has anyone else noticed
how bitter she smells?
- [laughs] Such a country girl.
- [Nebibe] I couldn't agree more.
[Faik] I might come by
after the work day is over.
[Nazif chuckling] Oh, I'm gonna come.
I'm gonna come
- [silverware clatters]
- I mean, I'm gonna come to the office.
Faik, you never do.
You should try it sometime.
Faik.
Well, yes, because I'm always
at the factory.
How can I be in the office?
Refill the water glasses.
Then take the empty soup bowls.
Oh, thanks very much.
[laughs]
If you'd allow me, sir.
Are you all done?
Shall I take your soup, ma'am?
- [laughs]
- Uh, I'm sorry.
What are you teaching her, Hasan?
Is this a highway rest stop
or a dinner table?
What kind of housekeeper
just snatches up plates?
She's a little hasty, ma'am.
She's just nervous. Please forgive her.
Oh, holy cow.
You're forgiven.
It doesn't bother me. That's fine.
I mean, it happens.
The consommé was amazing.
Kiss-ass.
[chuckles] Necmi, brother,
why don't we ask Yaprak
to make us some tarhana, hmm?
It's been years since I've had it.
I've even forgotten how it smells.
- Right. [chuckles]
- Oh! Make tarhana?
I can't. No one told me.
Oh, have you ever seen someone
so helpless and cute?
[scoffs] What do you mean you don't
know how to make tarhana?
I swear, I don't, ma'am.
Don't be upset. You couldn't have known.
Uh, well, you know, madam,
this girl is an amazing singer.
She has a wonderful voice.
- Show them, dear.
- Uh, no, please, don't ask me.
- I'd be so embarrassed.
- [laughing]
Come on, deary, there's really
no need to feel embarrassed.
Show them.
You sang beautifully in the kitchen.
Go on, sing for them.
[fast-paced music playing]
[in Turkish] I'm a village girl ♪
[vocalizing]
My heart is wounded ♪
If I told you what ailed me ♪
You'd feel so much pity ♪
I fell in love with a young man ♪
Oh, his coal-black eyes
And slender figure ♪
He stole my heart ♪
And left me devastated ♪
[vocalizing]
- [Necip in English] Bravo!
- [laughing]
[chanting] More, more, more!
[all] More, more, more, more, more, more!
- That's enough, Nazif.
- [gasps] I got carried away.
No parfait for me tonight, Hasan.
I'm too full.
- Really? Well, that's a first.
- It's my turn.
[playing slow-tempo tune]
[in Turkish] Ilgaz, you're
A mighty mountain in Anatolia ♪
Ilgaz, you're a mighty mountain
In Anatolia ♪
[in English] All right, stop.
Enough, damn it.
She liked it. She sang along.
[laughing] I mean,
the music just started flowing out of me.
Put that recorder away, sport.
You don't want things getting ugly.
Because right now,
I can only think of one place for it.
Yeah, where's that?
Tell me. Make sure to say "sport."
And add another "sport" after that.
This is why they say
our family can't get along.
If you say "spreading rumors is
worse than the thing itself,"
we're leaving.
You guys are a pain in the ass.
Just when the girl's singing,
was making things interesting.
Good night, everyone. I'm off to bed.
You sneaky old weasel.
I won't let you have Yaprak.
[playing melody]
This is a new low, even for him. I can't.
Faik.
They're actually such sweet
and innocent souls at heart.
But they all have a strange pride.
A false pride, really.
It doesn't suit them.
Oh, how I wish I had the power
to free them from that pride.
How about you brush my hair?
I could use it.
Anything for you, miss.
You were nice enough
to come visit my room after all.
[chuckles] I like being nice.
You must know
I'm only here for a scheme,
a tension, an intrigue.
- I'm sure you can feel it.
- No.
[Yaprak] I feel like I'm your sister.
- [Figen] Oh, you're so sweet.
- [Yaprak chuckles]
- [Figen] You really are innocent.
- [Yaprak] I guess I am.
- [Figen] Well, let me show you something.
- Nazif, sir.
[Nazif farts]
[snoring]
[groans]
God help us all.
Now do you think you can walk
without the book hitting the floor,
like this?
Uh, maybe.
Everyone loved the way
you said "holy cow" earlier at table.
- [laughs]
- So, no need to change the way you talk.
What can I teach you?
How about
[gasps] What about the names
of the Five Turkish composers?
Cemal Reşit Rey, Adnan Saygun.
- Ulvi Cemal Erkin.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, my God, but what's gotten into me?
Why, you're bewitching me too.
I can't.
I won't fall
into your little red-headed trap.
[gasps]
- [door opens, closes]
- Figen.
[laughing] They're all crazy.
Hey.
Nazif, what's going on?
- Why are you prowling so late?
- [laughs]
You've been gone
for more than half an hour.
Well, I, uh, couldn't sleep.
Yaprak's song was in my head.
- [scoffs]
- I mean, it was incredible.
So beautiful and innocent.
You remember? [vocalizing]
[gasps, sighs]
Is it true what I heard?
Oh, brother, I'm sorry. Did we wake you?
[laughs] I was just,
you know, mumbling Yaprak's song.
You should be ashamed.
You old goat. Yaprak will be mine.
- Come on, Yaprak, let's go to bed.
- You ass.
[upbeat piano tune playing]
[inaudible]
Be very careful, dear.
That jerk Faik must go. Yaprak is mine!
[inaudible]
- Shame on you!
- But we were just playing.
- Are you into music?
- I only listen.
[inaudible]
- This is how I cope.
- Stop. Life is beautiful!
Stop, please! I'm getting wet.
- Nice day we're having.
- Shut up! I'm not in the mood.
- What's wrong, brother?
- What do you think?
For God's sake,
I would love to know. What do you think?
You know how the timing works.
Just when things seem to be going right
in the mansion,
what always happens?
It must be bad. You haven't even said
"what a thing to say" like you usually do.
- Is it that we're selling the mansion?
- What a thing to say.
We're not selling it. What a thing to say.
You see, the rumor
is worse than the thing itself.
Brother, please, just spell it out
for us as simply as possible.
What's the problem?
The business has not been going well.
I'd taken out a loan from our banker
that I hoped would tide us over,
but our first payment
must be made in the cash
that we do not have.
And did we, by chance,
agree that if we missed a payment,
we'd take responsibility
for the full amount?
Exactly.
Even worse. God damn it.
I agreed at the outset
the crooked Istanbul authorities
would judge future disputes.
How can we pay back the loan
without the money from the loan?
I don't get it.
[Nazif] You stupid prick.
You public school boy.
You drink up our sherry.
You eat up our parfait,
like it's all just a dinner party.
I could strangle you.
You never cared about keeping
this mansion afloat, you bastard.
I'll shove that recorder up your ass!
You're never at the factory or the office.
Son of a bitch!
You're the bastard.
You're a fucking pervert!
Just the other night you were playing with
my balls under the table with your foot.
- You wicked degenerate.
- Well, then why didn't you say something?
You liked it.
Are you done?
[groans]
I transferred the mansion to Fikret.
Since he has no shares in the company,
we should at least keep the mansion.
Good thinking. [exhales]
Some sherry to celebrate?
Yes.
- Fikret is half out of his mind anyway.
- [liquid pours]
I doubt he'll cause us any trouble.
Here, brother.
You have so many books.
Have you read all of them?
Shh! Quiet.
They'll hear you.
It's true.
I've read them all. And I regret it.
I wish I was still innocent
and pure like you.
That's funny.
I just wish I had health insurance.
Fikret, what are you up to
in here? [chuckles]
Yaprak, come on.
Figen's playing piano. Hurry up.
[playing melody]
Oh, for God's sakes.
- Stop playing! Let go. Let go.
- [grunting]
- Let go.
- Give it back!
You're not playing that. You hear me?
Watch it.
Well, Yaprak's been here a whole week.
[chuckles] And we
haven't killed each other yet.
[laughs] Figen, play a waltz for us.
Ever since I was four,
all I do is play piano.
Now I'm sick to death of it.
You said it, my dear.
These dreary afternoons are hell.
I'm just sitting here with a drink
in my hand, staring off into space.
[Nebibe] Now that you mention it,
it seems we've run out of things
to do in this mansion.
Don't you agree, gentlemen? [laughs]
Yaprak's song and dance the other
day were a marvelous distraction.
They were.
That's it.
Let's have a party
and invite everyone in high society.
- We'll have a ball.
- Aha! It'd be a great change for us.
A great change? In what way?
I don't know. I just thought
that we could have fun together.
- Oh, really?
- We'll have a theme for the party.
You know, what's it called?
One of those costume parties.
Like a masquerade ball or something.
And after, we'll have
the craziest sex. Yee-haw!
- Faik!
- Come over here.
Brother, what the hell
is the matter with you?
What are you thinking? Crazy sex?
How? How did you become
such a rich brat cliché?
What's going on in that head?
I mean, where did
we go wrong with you, huh?
You could have studied at a university,
but you refused to go.
- God! Are you totally insane?
- Enough!
You're only throwing this party
to hit on Yaprak. You think I'm stupid?
You can't have all the sex
in this mansion.
- Who do you think you are?
- [Nazif] I can.
Yaprak, can't I have
all the sex in this mansion?
Why can't we have
a normal dialogue for once?
I think of you
as friends, as fathers, even.
Why can't we speak civilly to each other?
And you three are even worse!
Whenever we talk,
it's "poor little country girl."
And then the constant sexual tension.
It's like everyone in this house is
always being sexually objectified.
- [shouts]
- Yaprak, don't!
[Yaprak sobbing]
- [door slams shut]
- [scoffs] What a little country smart-ass.
[scoffs] Well, she has a point.
Everyone's been trying
to hump the maid since she got here.
Like it was part
of her job description. [laughs]
- Leave the girl alone.
- [laughs]
- All right, fine, I will.
- [laughs]
It's not my fault
she's such an intriguing character.
The party's gonna be great.
No piano, please.
- No piano, just a costume party.
- [Nebibe] I think it's an excellent idea.
She won't be such a smart-ass
around so many rich people.
Hasan, come in here.
Yes. Hasan, we have news.
We'll be hosting a huge party this Friday.
I'll be making out a guest list soon.
- Yes, Nazif, sir, a word, please?
- Of course.
I know what's been going on.
Yaprak is under my protection.
And if I see that girl
crying one more time,
I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Nazif.
I'll take this rolling pin and connect
you and your brother by the ass.
[laughs] Of course you will.
I knew I could depend on you.
[laughs] What are we saying?
Nazif will fill you in.
He's crazy.
This party will be great.
- [Turkish music playing]
- [chattering]
[Nazif] Şahbender.
[laughs] Betty, my dear. Come on in.
- Nazif, you really are something else.
- [laughing]
- And what a party this is.
- Indeed.
Look what you've turned us into.
[chuckles] And I'm a Zeybek fighter.
We have sesame kebab here
and dızlama there.
Watch out for the cow dung.
Come in, come in, come in. [laughs]
- There's local music.
- [gasps]
- Is that tzatziki?
- Like always.
Come in, watch your step.
- Ah!
- [laughs] Come in, come in, come in.
Keep the airan flowing.
What, you never left Istanbul before?
I'm a Zeybek fighter.
- Boo.
- [gasps]
- Nebibe. Good Lord, you startled me.
- [laughs]
- So how do I look?
- Fantastic.
Don't even mess with me.
If you want a quickie,
I don't know who could
get me out of these clothes.
That would take an expert, baby. [laughs]
- Should I help Yaprak?
- Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine.
When is that asshole Faik
coming downstairs?
He'd better not try subverting the theme.
He'll ruin it.
Come along. Airan, hurry.
- [Nebibe exhales]
- [Nazif laughs, sighs]
I can't believe
the lengths they're going to.
[chuckles] They've filled
the living room with hay.
That's nothing, my dear.
Look at the soles of my shoes.
The hallway's covered
in water buffalo dung.
All because of a theme party.
Fuck his theme, if you ask me.
Okay, dear, take the scones out
before they eat each other.
And if anyone says anything,
just give them a smack in the mouth.
Then tell them to come talk to me.
I will, Uncle Hasan.
- Oh.
- How are you?
[sniffs] What's that smell?
It's oxen dung.
You're smelling poo, young man. It's poo.
You're not dressed like the country theme.
I didn't care to. You?
- I'm a country girl anyway.
- [laughing]
[Turkish music playing]
[chattering]
My God, everyone did amazing.
They all look so good in their costumes.
- Hallihallo! Gutentag!
- Ah, right on cue.
- [laughs] Which village is that from?
- [Faik gasps]
- Wiesbaden, honey. Don't you like it?
- [Nazif] No, sport, I don't.
Where's my Anatolian flavor?
Where's my Gediz, my Kızılırmak,
babe, my prairie, my creeks?
Huh? Faik doesn't know.
He can't read a map.
How about getting a village girl a drink?
O great Nazif!
- [laughs]
- Me have great thirst.
- [laughs] Me have great need.
- [laughing]
- Me want magic water called prosecco.
- [laughing]
That was great, well done. [laughs]
- Would anyone like some?
- [Nebibe] Oh, wait.
Madlen, I told you about our maid.
- Yaprak, the country girl.
- That's right.
Come, dear. Tell us
which one is better dressed.
Is it Madlen there, or do I win the prize?
Uh, but, madam, it's not up to me.
- Oh, of course it is.
- [Nazif] Ah!
A simple country girl knows best.
Right, Nazif? You be the judge.
- That's right. You are. That's you.
- Country girl.
- Genuine country girl.
- Country.
- [laughing]
- That's true, I guess.
[chanting] Country! Country!
We're all a little more gentrified
since she arrived.
[laughing]
- There's airan, but you're drinking beer?
- [Faik] Mm-hmm.
The theme.
Wiesbaden, sport.
- At least beer's made of wheat. [chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.
[Nazif] Şahbender, watch this.
Friends, gather round,
and we'll play a delightful country game.
- It's called "The Headmaster's Ass."
- I wanna play.
- Here. Join me. Everybody.
- [Faik] I wanna play. Pick me!
All right, a cute little game.
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- [all] Well, has it?
- What did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- [all] Well, has it?
- What did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
- Here, it's my turn now.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yes, here we go.
- Well, has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- [all] Well, has it?
- What did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- Again. One more!
- And what did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
I'll lie down. Hit my tummy.
Hit my tummy. Oh, come on, I want you to.
- Go!
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
[all] Well, has it?
Wait, wait, wait. Hey, Yaprak.
Say "has the headmaster's ass arrived?"
Enough! Enough.
This is not country.
This is not real country.
I hate all of you.
Let's end this charade once and for all.
Istanbul is an expensive place.
I couldn't study here unless I worked.
Yes, I'm a maid,
but I've never once been ashamed of it.
Really?
Seriously, will you just stop? Shh!
[Yaprak] I've never pretended
to be something I'm not.
I even looked up to you,
hoping that I would learn something new.
But this mansion
has sucked out your blood.
You're a bunch of vipers.
I get that you all have urges.
Everyone single of us does.
Make love like me.
On a mountain top, on a hill,
in a meadow, without shame, even.
Like a country girl.
But you made love behind doors,
did quickies under the table,
and I never once felt angry about it.
All I felt was pity for you.
You may have a mansion,
but you all live like cavemen.
What a shame.
Ugh! That's enough, girl. Country swine.
Shut it or else
I'm going to give you a smack!
[all gasp]
[Yaprak] I know
how you people love your surprises.
That's my surprise for you.
We call that the country slap.
So there, forgive me
for ruining your theme.
But the country
is a lot more than the smell of dung.
It's the smell of roses.
Put fertilizer under the rosebush
and watch it grow.
But all you get when you fertilize
around here is a mansion covered in shit.
I can't live with you here in peace,
so I'm moving out.
I failed two classes this year.
My philosophy major
is hard enough as it is.
Right.
Fikret, I like you, really.
Do you want to leave this place with me?
Yaprak.
Stop staring and tell me yes or no.
My love, I can't help staring. Look.
The mansion is mine.
So why would we leave?
They should leave.
[Hasan] What?
Is that true, you junkie?
I I mean, young sir.
[Nazif] Wait.
I'm sorry. I'm ashamed
of myself right now.
I'd like to apologize
to Yaprak with a song, if I may.
[singing in Turkish]
Well, that's my song.
Can I keep living in the mansion?
It sucked.
There you are. You better pack your bags,
'cause that's what my girlfriend wants.
Fikret, what a thing to say.
- Sport.
- Read it and weep!
We have the official deed, and you don't.
I want you out of here.
Get the fuck out of this house!
- [laughs]
- I can stay, can't I, sir?
Of course you can, Hasan.
My love.
- [Fikret] My spring cloud.
- Darling.
THE END
[theme music playing]
[theme music playing]
Whenever we do a scene,
I become the man or the woman.
Yeah, you made such a good woman.
I would never have guessed. [laughs]
- You remember when Dustin Hoffman
- Cut it.
Tülay, lose that pillow
because you're not pregnant.
Has Mami come?
Uh-huh. At least twice a day.
- Oh, please, for God's sake. Come on.
- [Tülay chuckles]
Good evening.
Congratulations, it's a fetus.
For God's sake,
Erşan, would you knock it off already?
It took me all morning, but I found it.
Yaprak Sarması by Cemil Nadir.
- Erşan, want a taste?
- Oh, I wish. Which reminds me, Tomris.
There's something we need to discuss.
As you know,
we've made two films together now
without shooting a single dangerous scene.
So why do I have a bill charging me
10,000 liras for Seyyal's stunt double?
- First I heard of it.
- Really?
Good evening, everyone.
- Ah!
- [Erşan] Tell me something.
Who was Seyyal's stunt double,
and why did they cost 10,000 liras?
That was me.
The fee was based on our verbal agreement.
Are you fucking with me here?
What stunts did we need for Seyyal?
Don't you remember it?
I did all her skiing in Time for Skiing.
- Oh, really?
- [Payro] Yes.
- [Erşan] Is that so?
- Yes, I swear to God.
Listen, man, you played Şadi, remember?
What skiing are you talking about?
Really, Erşan, you think I'd lie
to you for 10,000 liras?
How much would you lie for?
I'd lie for
a lot less than you do. [laughs]
I'm gonna watch that movie again
and prove it to you.
Look, Erşan, we agreed 10,000 liras
for Seyyal's skiing.
I put my body on the line for it.
If every body Seyyal went
through cost that, I'd uh, pardon me.
- Toast?
- Oh, I wish.
Erşan, come on, you were talking about
this book you found.
Oh, that's right. Yaprak Sarması.
I've always wanted
to adapt a book like this.
I read this as a boy.
Just needs a few adjustments,
a real mansion to shoot in,
and it's ready to go.
Cemil Nadir's Yaprak Sarması.
Ah. So the opening credits
will say "based on the novel," huh?
Yes, that's right.
"Based on the novel by."
I've always dreamed of doing that.
Here's another dream I have.
To put a musical on stage.
I'll do that too. You just watch me.
- Erol will be jealous.
- Erol's gonna be jealous, huh?
You can bet on it.
My life's sole ambition is
to make Erol jealous.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome, Şermin.
Şermin, want a taste?
Oh, I wish, but I'm on a diet.
Erol Evgin offered me a role.
[hums fanfare]
Which Erol Evgin?
How many Erol Evgins are there?
As of now, apparently two.
The Erol Evgin who I love so much
and the one trying to steal my actress.
- [laughs]
- Well, it sounded great at the audition.
They're putting on
an enormous musical at the Şan Theater
and calling it Something Like That.
Terrible name.
He should've put some thought into it.
- Is Haldun Dormen directing?
- [mocks] Is Haldun Dormen directing?
Congratulations, Şermin.
Mami's just a little jealous.
You mad at me?
No, how can I be?
Haldun Dormen and Erol Evgin,
these men are household names.
Any one of us would go if they asked.
Hey, like the headlining act,
I have arrived late.
I'm sorry, everybody.
My waxing girl took her time.
Do I have a mustache, babe? Huh?
- I told her to be quick.
- [laughing]
Oh, I'm starving, gimme.
Kumsal, a question for you, babe.
Haldun Dormen. Would you go if he asked?
No, those days are behind me.
I mean, it's been years
since I last made a house call.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
What are you guys talking about?
Where am I going? What?
Oh, you're too much.
Şermin is going to be
in Erol Evgin's new musical.
Shut up!
Oh, yes, either Erol Evgin's musical
or else our measly film
"based on the novel" Yaprak Sarması.
And I was planning
to offer the role of Yaprak to Şermin.
[Şermin] Oh, please, don't do this.
Everyone knows that
"based on the novel" films are amazing.
Yeah? Pick one, then.
Erol Evgin's or my
"based on the novel" film. Go ahead.
Hmm. Yaprak Sarması, huh?
Yes. One week to shoot. You'll be Yaprak.
Choose Erol, girl.
- Definitely Erol.
- Erol, you idiot!
- All right, I choose our film.
- Oh, yes!
[laughs] Oh, my God, you totally
tricked him into casting you, didn't you?
If she did, she'll regret it.
Şermin, you've made the right decision.
That's why you're my Yaprak.
- [laughing]
- You've got the starring role.
You guys, I was
just kidding about Erol Evgin.
I only read a story in the paper.
- Oh!
- No way.
See that? That's how
you land yourself a leading role.
She played you like a country fiddle.
Well done. Just so long as you
never test me with Erol ever again.
Erşan, he says he's your brother.
Should I kick his ass?
Erşan, for the love of God,
the homeless are nearly
on the verge of starvation.
The 10,000 you gave me
the other day only went so far.
"Cemal," they told me,
"ask your generous brother
if he could give us
5,000 more before tomorrow."
- That's what the homeless said?
- All together, in unison.
It was unbelievable.
- Unbelievable is right.
- Want an acting job?
Films are hard. You shoot a dozen takes
for a two-minute sequence.
Nah, I could do it for 7,500.
Although 10,000 is better.
- How about that?
- [Erşan] 7,500.
It's a film, based on the novel
by Cemil Nadir, Yaprak Sarması.
Cemal, wanna taste mine?
Don't I wish?
[laughing]
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
WRAPPED UP: YAPRAK
BASED ON THE NOVEL BY CEMİL NADİR
[playing classical music]
CEMAL TARAKÇI AS NECİP
KUMSAL GÜNEŞ AS MACİDE
TOMRİS BEYOĞLU AS FİGEN
ERŞAN KUNERİ AS NAZİF
CENGİZ GÜMÜŞ AS FİKRE
SEYYAL PAR AS NEBİBE
AYHUN UŞUK AS FAİK
MUAMMER RADO AS HASAN
ADAPTED FOR THE SCREEN BY ERŞAN KUNERİ
DIRECTED BY ERŞAN KUNERİ
RECORDED AT 1000 VOLT STUDIOS
Bravo. Brava and bravo.
I was expecting another European sonata.
Good for you, Figen.
Nebibe, my dear, your sister
is most definitely full of surprises.
Yes, brother. She's hard to keep up with.
A Paganini would give me a run
for my money.
- I'm not young anymore.
- [scoffs] You're right about that.
- [laughs]
- You're embarrassing me.
Figen, what's the special occasion, hmm?
Do tell. For a moment,
I thought we were selling the mansion.
I'm surprised at Nazif. I didn't think
my brother could be more shameless.
Don't be jealous. You're just the only one
of us without any talent for music.
You're wrong. I always carry my recorder.
And I'd much rather listen to Figen
than endure your little displays.
That's quite enough out
of you today, sport.
You know, I hate it
when he calls me "sport."
Fikret, what has you so pensive?
What do you think? I'm a morphine addict.
[Necip] What a thing to say.
Do you believe that?
It's the new rumor
that Hasan's been spreading.
That's what he's been telling everybody.
He saw me with a syringe.
Never mind the fact I have diabetes.
Imagine what he'd say
if I told him I was melancholic?
Spreading a rumor is worse
than the thing itself.
I'll give him a warning.
You know how these peasants are.
They see everything
through their little blinders.
- Is that just peasants, brother?
- [laughing]
Faik, you don't have to object
to everything we say.
Especially when you're with people
with a better education.
Oh, here we go again with him boasting
about his private education.
I am a graduate
of Kabataş Boys High School.
Oh, really?
Well, the men are talking now, boy.
Oh, perhaps you can tell us something
of your career at the Italian High School.
We'd especially like to hear
your stories of debauchery.
Don't be insolent, Faik.
At Italian High School,
they used to call me Giovanni Nazif.
Oh, really, Giovanni Nazif?
You don't even know
what you're talking about.
Boys, stop this bickering.
That's enough. Sit down.
I have an announcement.
I've hired a young girl
for the mansion as help.
She'll be arriving soon.
Decent, sweet, innocent.
Hasan can't do everything
by himself anymore.
Oh, I don't know, brother.
I guess she could help with dinner
and only dinner, Nazif.
A young girl, you said?
Did you hear that?
All his brains are in his crotch.
- Do you want me to strangle you?
- [Faik] Hmm.
What's the matter? No "sport" this time?
Too afraid to say it?
That's enough. What a thing to say. Huh!
The girl is young, ordinary.
In the end, I just hope she adapts
and learns her way around the house
so we can all live in harmony.
That can't be her, can it?
There's a dreamy-looking girl
in the front yard.
I can't even believe you.
Let me see her, wait.
She hasn't wasted any time.
She looks so innocent.
Look, she's trembling like a leaf.
A leaf, you say? Like her name. Yaprak.
[Nazif] Yaprak, huh?
[Macide] I know
this cunning type from a mile away.
Don't be indulgent with her, Faik.
- So, we'll call her Yaprak?
- Don't these maids always have a nickname?
[Fikret] We can call her "spring cloud."
She looks more like a little
pine cone or something to me.
I think we should call her "sweetheart."
Sweetheart is nice.
- It should be "field mouse." [laughs]
- Why not "gelato scoop"?
- Wit brought to you by Kabataş School.
- [Faik] Hmm!
Oh, so beautiful, isn't she?
[gasps] What are you waiting for?
Open the door.
She's got dewy eyes.
[Nazif] A hot piece.
I'm sorry.
Uh, I mean, she looks a bit hot out there.
Perhaps it's the climate.
It may be she's just hot.
Whatever. She looks like a demon to me.
[Nebibe] Welcome.
[laughing]
Not much meat on her bones, Nazif.
Well, small pieces are just as tasty.
[clears throat]
Well, welcome, to our home.
- Thank you, sir. Please allow me to
- No, dear, that's all right.
Hasan, come to the foyer.
You called, sir?
Help Yaprak settle in to her room.
Our room is the closest one
to the kitchen, isn't it, Nebibe?
Perhaps her room should be close by.
Um, upstairs is safer.
There's an empty room
in the attic next to Figen's.
Maybe she can stay there.
And what would you know
about Figen's room?
It's huge. Your house is beautiful.
I've never seen anything like it.
You could die of happiness here.
How difficult living here must be.
[gasps] I'm being rude. Please forgive me.
It is huge. You'll see that better
once you start cleaning.
Hasan.
[Hasan] Come, dear. Come, this way.
I hope I don't disappoint you. [shouts]
[gasps] Why, you clumsy ox.
Be careful.
That's all right.
[Hasan] Here you go, dear. Eat up.
You've come a long way.
Go ahead, eat your fill.
And then you can settle
in your quarters, okay?
I will. Thank you, sir.
You think they'll ever like me, huh?
Or accept me as one of them?
To be honest with you,
I've been here for 34 years.
Mr. Necip and I have never gone dancing.
He's never taken me out for any fun.
[laughs]
I'm joking, of course.
Everything about them is different,
Yaprak, trust me.
Their society is different.
Even how they eat and drink.
Never mind them.
You just worry about your livelihood.
Wait. While we're alone.
Look, Faik and Nazif,
you watch yourself around them.
Keep both eyes open.
For example,
even for something like accidentally
dropping a spoon,
I look around
at least three times before bending down.
- Oh, no!
- [laughs]
And that's what happens
when you drop the spoon.
[chuckles] Oh, sir,
we were just joking around, sir.
- Hmm. Not even a kiss?
- Mwah!
[laughs] Hilarious.
Mr. Nazif and his sense of humor.
How are things in here?
What are we having tonight?
We'll start with consommé.
And then chicken cordon bleu,
or if you prefer,
there's bouillabaisse as well.
And for dessert,
we'll have macarons topped with jam.
- And if I want something else?
- There won't be anything else.
Hmm. Perhaps not.
Oh, are your eyes hazel or brown,
would you say?
They're hazel, sir.
[Nazif] Hmm.
Sorry.
All right, then.
[Hasan exhales]
- [gasps, grunts]
- I must have you again.
- I want you to come to my room tonight.
- Of course, my love. [laughs]
If I catch you eyeing that girl again,
I'll kill you.
What girl? [chuckles]
- I'll shoot 'em off.
- All right. Hey, wait a minute.
[sighs]
[gasps] Jerk! I see how intimate
you've become with your wife.
You think I didn't notice
you topping off her liquor glass twice
in front of my eyes?
No, darling, don't be silly.
I can't carry this forbidden love anymore.
It won't be long.
We'll move to the countryside.
Let's get out of here.
There's nothing here
but cheating and schemes.
Always some ambition.
I swear, this mansion
will drive me insane.
- [Fikret] Yaprak!
- I've got my eye on you.
Yaprak!
What are you doing
yelling "ass-crack" in the mansion?"
I said "Yaprak," you vulgar oaf.
- Why, you
- Is she in there?
I was gonna ask her
for a cup of hibiscus tea.
You filthy addict.
Getting the maid involved? You pervert.
- [Necip] Faik!
- Coming, brother.
Get in there, sport.
I have nothing but resentment
for you, brother, you know.
Really? Must be the mansion.
[laughs] You should move
to the countryside. Read my lips.
What did you say?
Well, if you went to a good school,
you'd understand.
[classical music playing]
- [indistinct chattering]
- [Nazif] Leave her alone.
[Macide] Has anyone else noticed
how bitter she smells?
- [laughs] Such a country girl.
- [Nebibe] I couldn't agree more.
[Faik] I might come by
after the work day is over.
[Nazif chuckling] Oh, I'm gonna come.
I'm gonna come
- [silverware clatters]
- I mean, I'm gonna come to the office.
Faik, you never do.
You should try it sometime.
Faik.
Well, yes, because I'm always
at the factory.
How can I be in the office?
Refill the water glasses.
Then take the empty soup bowls.
Oh, thanks very much.
[laughs]
If you'd allow me, sir.
Are you all done?
Shall I take your soup, ma'am?
- [laughs]
- Uh, I'm sorry.
What are you teaching her, Hasan?
Is this a highway rest stop
or a dinner table?
What kind of housekeeper
just snatches up plates?
She's a little hasty, ma'am.
She's just nervous. Please forgive her.
Oh, holy cow.
You're forgiven.
It doesn't bother me. That's fine.
I mean, it happens.
The consommé was amazing.
Kiss-ass.
[chuckles] Necmi, brother,
why don't we ask Yaprak
to make us some tarhana, hmm?
It's been years since I've had it.
I've even forgotten how it smells.
- Right. [chuckles]
- Oh! Make tarhana?
I can't. No one told me.
Oh, have you ever seen someone
so helpless and cute?
[scoffs] What do you mean you don't
know how to make tarhana?
I swear, I don't, ma'am.
Don't be upset. You couldn't have known.
Uh, well, you know, madam,
this girl is an amazing singer.
She has a wonderful voice.
- Show them, dear.
- Uh, no, please, don't ask me.
- I'd be so embarrassed.
- [laughing]
Come on, deary, there's really
no need to feel embarrassed.
Show them.
You sang beautifully in the kitchen.
Go on, sing for them.
[fast-paced music playing]
[in Turkish] I'm a village girl ♪
[vocalizing]
My heart is wounded ♪
If I told you what ailed me ♪
You'd feel so much pity ♪
I fell in love with a young man ♪
Oh, his coal-black eyes
And slender figure ♪
He stole my heart ♪
And left me devastated ♪
[vocalizing]
- [Necip in English] Bravo!
- [laughing]
[chanting] More, more, more!
[all] More, more, more, more, more, more!
- That's enough, Nazif.
- [gasps] I got carried away.
No parfait for me tonight, Hasan.
I'm too full.
- Really? Well, that's a first.
- It's my turn.
[playing slow-tempo tune]
[in Turkish] Ilgaz, you're
A mighty mountain in Anatolia ♪
Ilgaz, you're a mighty mountain
In Anatolia ♪
[in English] All right, stop.
Enough, damn it.
She liked it. She sang along.
[laughing] I mean,
the music just started flowing out of me.
Put that recorder away, sport.
You don't want things getting ugly.
Because right now,
I can only think of one place for it.
Yeah, where's that?
Tell me. Make sure to say "sport."
And add another "sport" after that.
This is why they say
our family can't get along.
If you say "spreading rumors is
worse than the thing itself,"
we're leaving.
You guys are a pain in the ass.
Just when the girl's singing,
was making things interesting.
Good night, everyone. I'm off to bed.
You sneaky old weasel.
I won't let you have Yaprak.
[playing melody]
This is a new low, even for him. I can't.
Faik.
They're actually such sweet
and innocent souls at heart.
But they all have a strange pride.
A false pride, really.
It doesn't suit them.
Oh, how I wish I had the power
to free them from that pride.
How about you brush my hair?
I could use it.
Anything for you, miss.
You were nice enough
to come visit my room after all.
[chuckles] I like being nice.
You must know
I'm only here for a scheme,
a tension, an intrigue.
- I'm sure you can feel it.
- No.
[Yaprak] I feel like I'm your sister.
- [Figen] Oh, you're so sweet.
- [Yaprak chuckles]
- [Figen] You really are innocent.
- [Yaprak] I guess I am.
- [Figen] Well, let me show you something.
- Nazif, sir.
[Nazif farts]
[snoring]
[groans]
God help us all.
Now do you think you can walk
without the book hitting the floor,
like this?
Uh, maybe.
Everyone loved the way
you said "holy cow" earlier at table.
- [laughs]
- So, no need to change the way you talk.
What can I teach you?
How about
[gasps] What about the names
of the Five Turkish composers?
Cemal Reşit Rey, Adnan Saygun.
- Ulvi Cemal Erkin.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, my God, but what's gotten into me?
Why, you're bewitching me too.
I can't.
I won't fall
into your little red-headed trap.
[gasps]
- [door opens, closes]
- Figen.
[laughing] They're all crazy.
Hey.
Nazif, what's going on?
- Why are you prowling so late?
- [laughs]
You've been gone
for more than half an hour.
Well, I, uh, couldn't sleep.
Yaprak's song was in my head.
- [scoffs]
- I mean, it was incredible.
So beautiful and innocent.
You remember? [vocalizing]
[gasps, sighs]
Is it true what I heard?
Oh, brother, I'm sorry. Did we wake you?
[laughs] I was just,
you know, mumbling Yaprak's song.
You should be ashamed.
You old goat. Yaprak will be mine.
- Come on, Yaprak, let's go to bed.
- You ass.
[upbeat piano tune playing]
[inaudible]
Be very careful, dear.
That jerk Faik must go. Yaprak is mine!
[inaudible]
- Shame on you!
- But we were just playing.
- Are you into music?
- I only listen.
[inaudible]
- This is how I cope.
- Stop. Life is beautiful!
Stop, please! I'm getting wet.
- Nice day we're having.
- Shut up! I'm not in the mood.
- What's wrong, brother?
- What do you think?
For God's sake,
I would love to know. What do you think?
You know how the timing works.
Just when things seem to be going right
in the mansion,
what always happens?
It must be bad. You haven't even said
"what a thing to say" like you usually do.
- Is it that we're selling the mansion?
- What a thing to say.
We're not selling it. What a thing to say.
You see, the rumor
is worse than the thing itself.
Brother, please, just spell it out
for us as simply as possible.
What's the problem?
The business has not been going well.
I'd taken out a loan from our banker
that I hoped would tide us over,
but our first payment
must be made in the cash
that we do not have.
And did we, by chance,
agree that if we missed a payment,
we'd take responsibility
for the full amount?
Exactly.
Even worse. God damn it.
I agreed at the outset
the crooked Istanbul authorities
would judge future disputes.
How can we pay back the loan
without the money from the loan?
I don't get it.
[Nazif] You stupid prick.
You public school boy.
You drink up our sherry.
You eat up our parfait,
like it's all just a dinner party.
I could strangle you.
You never cared about keeping
this mansion afloat, you bastard.
I'll shove that recorder up your ass!
You're never at the factory or the office.
Son of a bitch!
You're the bastard.
You're a fucking pervert!
Just the other night you were playing with
my balls under the table with your foot.
- You wicked degenerate.
- Well, then why didn't you say something?
You liked it.
Are you done?
[groans]
I transferred the mansion to Fikret.
Since he has no shares in the company,
we should at least keep the mansion.
Good thinking. [exhales]
Some sherry to celebrate?
Yes.
- Fikret is half out of his mind anyway.
- [liquid pours]
I doubt he'll cause us any trouble.
Here, brother.
You have so many books.
Have you read all of them?
Shh! Quiet.
They'll hear you.
It's true.
I've read them all. And I regret it.
I wish I was still innocent
and pure like you.
That's funny.
I just wish I had health insurance.
Fikret, what are you up to
in here? [chuckles]
Yaprak, come on.
Figen's playing piano. Hurry up.
[playing melody]
Oh, for God's sakes.
- Stop playing! Let go. Let go.
- [grunting]
- Let go.
- Give it back!
You're not playing that. You hear me?
Watch it.
Well, Yaprak's been here a whole week.
[chuckles] And we
haven't killed each other yet.
[laughs] Figen, play a waltz for us.
Ever since I was four,
all I do is play piano.
Now I'm sick to death of it.
You said it, my dear.
These dreary afternoons are hell.
I'm just sitting here with a drink
in my hand, staring off into space.
[Nebibe] Now that you mention it,
it seems we've run out of things
to do in this mansion.
Don't you agree, gentlemen? [laughs]
Yaprak's song and dance the other
day were a marvelous distraction.
They were.
That's it.
Let's have a party
and invite everyone in high society.
- We'll have a ball.
- Aha! It'd be a great change for us.
A great change? In what way?
I don't know. I just thought
that we could have fun together.
- Oh, really?
- We'll have a theme for the party.
You know, what's it called?
One of those costume parties.
Like a masquerade ball or something.
And after, we'll have
the craziest sex. Yee-haw!
- Faik!
- Come over here.
Brother, what the hell
is the matter with you?
What are you thinking? Crazy sex?
How? How did you become
such a rich brat cliché?
What's going on in that head?
I mean, where did
we go wrong with you, huh?
You could have studied at a university,
but you refused to go.
- God! Are you totally insane?
- Enough!
You're only throwing this party
to hit on Yaprak. You think I'm stupid?
You can't have all the sex
in this mansion.
- Who do you think you are?
- [Nazif] I can.
Yaprak, can't I have
all the sex in this mansion?
Why can't we have
a normal dialogue for once?
I think of you
as friends, as fathers, even.
Why can't we speak civilly to each other?
And you three are even worse!
Whenever we talk,
it's "poor little country girl."
And then the constant sexual tension.
It's like everyone in this house is
always being sexually objectified.
- [shouts]
- Yaprak, don't!
[Yaprak sobbing]
- [door slams shut]
- [scoffs] What a little country smart-ass.
[scoffs] Well, she has a point.
Everyone's been trying
to hump the maid since she got here.
Like it was part
of her job description. [laughs]
- Leave the girl alone.
- [laughs]
- All right, fine, I will.
- [laughs]
It's not my fault
she's such an intriguing character.
The party's gonna be great.
No piano, please.
- No piano, just a costume party.
- [Nebibe] I think it's an excellent idea.
She won't be such a smart-ass
around so many rich people.
Hasan, come in here.
Yes. Hasan, we have news.
We'll be hosting a huge party this Friday.
I'll be making out a guest list soon.
- Yes, Nazif, sir, a word, please?
- Of course.
I know what's been going on.
Yaprak is under my protection.
And if I see that girl
crying one more time,
I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Nazif.
I'll take this rolling pin and connect
you and your brother by the ass.
[laughs] Of course you will.
I knew I could depend on you.
[laughs] What are we saying?
Nazif will fill you in.
He's crazy.
This party will be great.
- [Turkish music playing]
- [chattering]
[Nazif] Şahbender.
[laughs] Betty, my dear. Come on in.
- Nazif, you really are something else.
- [laughing]
- And what a party this is.
- Indeed.
Look what you've turned us into.
[chuckles] And I'm a Zeybek fighter.
We have sesame kebab here
and dızlama there.
Watch out for the cow dung.
Come in, come in, come in. [laughs]
- There's local music.
- [gasps]
- Is that tzatziki?
- Like always.
Come in, watch your step.
- Ah!
- [laughs] Come in, come in, come in.
Keep the airan flowing.
What, you never left Istanbul before?
I'm a Zeybek fighter.
- Boo.
- [gasps]
- Nebibe. Good Lord, you startled me.
- [laughs]
- So how do I look?
- Fantastic.
Don't even mess with me.
If you want a quickie,
I don't know who could
get me out of these clothes.
That would take an expert, baby. [laughs]
- Should I help Yaprak?
- Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine.
When is that asshole Faik
coming downstairs?
He'd better not try subverting the theme.
He'll ruin it.
Come along. Airan, hurry.
- [Nebibe exhales]
- [Nazif laughs, sighs]
I can't believe
the lengths they're going to.
[chuckles] They've filled
the living room with hay.
That's nothing, my dear.
Look at the soles of my shoes.
The hallway's covered
in water buffalo dung.
All because of a theme party.
Fuck his theme, if you ask me.
Okay, dear, take the scones out
before they eat each other.
And if anyone says anything,
just give them a smack in the mouth.
Then tell them to come talk to me.
I will, Uncle Hasan.
- Oh.
- How are you?
[sniffs] What's that smell?
It's oxen dung.
You're smelling poo, young man. It's poo.
You're not dressed like the country theme.
I didn't care to. You?
- I'm a country girl anyway.
- [laughing]
[Turkish music playing]
[chattering]
My God, everyone did amazing.
They all look so good in their costumes.
- Hallihallo! Gutentag!
- Ah, right on cue.
- [laughs] Which village is that from?
- [Faik gasps]
- Wiesbaden, honey. Don't you like it?
- [Nazif] No, sport, I don't.
Where's my Anatolian flavor?
Where's my Gediz, my Kızılırmak,
babe, my prairie, my creeks?
Huh? Faik doesn't know.
He can't read a map.
How about getting a village girl a drink?
O great Nazif!
- [laughs]
- Me have great thirst.
- [laughs] Me have great need.
- [laughing]
- Me want magic water called prosecco.
- [laughing]
That was great, well done. [laughs]
- Would anyone like some?
- [Nebibe] Oh, wait.
Madlen, I told you about our maid.
- Yaprak, the country girl.
- That's right.
Come, dear. Tell us
which one is better dressed.
Is it Madlen there, or do I win the prize?
Uh, but, madam, it's not up to me.
- Oh, of course it is.
- [Nazif] Ah!
A simple country girl knows best.
Right, Nazif? You be the judge.
- That's right. You are. That's you.
- Country girl.
- Genuine country girl.
- Country.
- [laughing]
- That's true, I guess.
[chanting] Country! Country!
We're all a little more gentrified
since she arrived.
[laughing]
- There's airan, but you're drinking beer?
- [Faik] Mm-hmm.
The theme.
Wiesbaden, sport.
- At least beer's made of wheat. [chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.
[Nazif] Şahbender, watch this.
Friends, gather round,
and we'll play a delightful country game.
- It's called "The Headmaster's Ass."
- I wanna play.
- Here. Join me. Everybody.
- [Faik] I wanna play. Pick me!
All right, a cute little game.
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- [all] Well, has it?
- What did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- [all] Well, has it?
- What did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
- Here, it's my turn now.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yes, here we go.
- Well, has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- [all] Well, has it?
- What did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
- Again. One more!
- And what did it bring?
- [all] What did it bring?
[laughing]
I'll lie down. Hit my tummy.
Hit my tummy. Oh, come on, I want you to.
- Go!
- Has the headmaster's ass arrived?
[all] Well, has it?
Wait, wait, wait. Hey, Yaprak.
Say "has the headmaster's ass arrived?"
Enough! Enough.
This is not country.
This is not real country.
I hate all of you.
Let's end this charade once and for all.
Istanbul is an expensive place.
I couldn't study here unless I worked.
Yes, I'm a maid,
but I've never once been ashamed of it.
Really?
Seriously, will you just stop? Shh!
[Yaprak] I've never pretended
to be something I'm not.
I even looked up to you,
hoping that I would learn something new.
But this mansion
has sucked out your blood.
You're a bunch of vipers.
I get that you all have urges.
Everyone single of us does.
Make love like me.
On a mountain top, on a hill,
in a meadow, without shame, even.
Like a country girl.
But you made love behind doors,
did quickies under the table,
and I never once felt angry about it.
All I felt was pity for you.
You may have a mansion,
but you all live like cavemen.
What a shame.
Ugh! That's enough, girl. Country swine.
Shut it or else
I'm going to give you a smack!
[all gasp]
[Yaprak] I know
how you people love your surprises.
That's my surprise for you.
We call that the country slap.
So there, forgive me
for ruining your theme.
But the country
is a lot more than the smell of dung.
It's the smell of roses.
Put fertilizer under the rosebush
and watch it grow.
But all you get when you fertilize
around here is a mansion covered in shit.
I can't live with you here in peace,
so I'm moving out.
I failed two classes this year.
My philosophy major
is hard enough as it is.
Right.
Fikret, I like you, really.
Do you want to leave this place with me?
Yaprak.
Stop staring and tell me yes or no.
My love, I can't help staring. Look.
The mansion is mine.
So why would we leave?
They should leave.
[Hasan] What?
Is that true, you junkie?
I I mean, young sir.
[Nazif] Wait.
I'm sorry. I'm ashamed
of myself right now.
I'd like to apologize
to Yaprak with a song, if I may.
[singing in Turkish]
Well, that's my song.
Can I keep living in the mansion?
It sucked.
There you are. You better pack your bags,
'cause that's what my girlfriend wants.
Fikret, what a thing to say.
- Sport.
- Read it and weep!
We have the official deed, and you don't.
I want you out of here.
Get the fuck out of this house!
- [laughs]
- I can stay, can't I, sir?
Of course you can, Hasan.
My love.
- [Fikret] My spring cloud.
- Darling.
THE END
[theme music playing]