The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
We're Going to the Catskills!
1 (ETHAN HUMMING MELODIC TUNE) (SIGHS) Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
(WATCH TICKING) (SIGHS) (HUMMING) ABE: Ethan, no! These are not toys.
- They look like toys.
- They're not.
Go.
Go.
Get.
Get.
Go.
How is this a toy? ROSE: That's everything.
Thank you, Stewart.
MIDGE: Yes, thanks, guys.
Once again, you're our heroes.
Ah, the ever elusive cabana jackets.
How many should we bring? - Two each.
- Or three.
I've got one more coming from Saks.
It's chinoiserie.
You're gonna love it.
Ooh.
Bikinis.
You're doing the beauty contest again, I assume.
I believe my public demands it.
So this year, should I go classy? Your Doris Day.
- Or risqué? - Your Mamie Van Doren.
Will any other girl bother to compete? I wouldn't.
Bring them both, just to be sure.
ABE: You can't bring everything! Next is clamdiggers.
It's the Catskills; you can't have too many clamdiggers.
ABE: Yes, you can.
What about picnic dresses? We each have four.
- Should I bring them all? - There may be four picnics.
Or you can wear the same picnic dress to more than one picnic.
- Oh, Abe.
- (LAUGHS) Papa, you're too much.
Ladies, we've been over this.
The trailer has 163 cubic feet of space.
Do you understand? There's finite capacity.
- Beach robes? - We never wear them.
- I'll bring them anyway.
- Okay.
D did you see what just happened there? Papa, please do not micromanage this.
We have a system.
Your system is to bring everything you own.
I'm not bringing this.
It's too late to change the luggage we've chosen.
I've made precisely scaled models.
Your little toys.
- They're not toys.
- They're cute.
They're cute, yes, but they're not toys.
And right now, after much effort, all our tiny luggage fits in our tiny trailer.
He's adorable when he talks about these things.
Papa, we will do our best to stick to 160 cubic feet.
- I promise.
- Good.
This way, I can create a plan so that my boy Jimmy at the resort knows how to load it back up at the end of our stay.
You got Jimmy as your boy again this year? I thought he couldn't come back.
Yeah, he thought he was doing an internship at a big law firm, but I made a couple of calls, and now he's not.
Abe, you did not spoil that young man's future just so he can be your boy again in the Catskills.
What? No.
I called and found out he didn't get it.
I was heartbroken for him.
I wouldn't do that to Jimmy.
I love Jimmy.
- Mm-hmm.
- A little too much.
- Scale down, please.
- We're scaling.
Go.
- Yes, go, Abe.
- I'm supposed to have lunch with a friend.
- Okay if I scoot? - ABE: Ethan, no! - Do not play with these toys.
- Sure, go.
We'll finish later.
ABE: I didn't mean toys.
They're not toys.
- I won't be long.
Thank you, Zelda.
- ABE: It was a misnomer.
You know what a misnomer is.
No, no.
Don't play dumb.
These club owners call me back in a flash.
Sometimes I hear 'em yell, "Take a message," and when they hear it's me on the phone, they take the call.
- That's respect.
- For me.
I mean, look at me.
- They're respecting me.
- I'm looking at you.
Alone, I am a spittoon; with you, I'm a somebody.
That's not true, Susie.
They respect you because they fear you; you're great at what you do.
Mm, half of them respect me, maybe.
The other half want to get in your pants.
- Oh, stop.
- It's gonna happen.
I mean, look at you.
It's like a dollop of whipped cream grew a head.
Just don't undercut yourself; that's all I'm saying.
So you called this lunch.
What do you want to talk about? I just wanted to touch base before I go to the Catskills.
- We leave tomorrow.
- Cool.
God, it's gonna be so nice to have a break.
This past year has been tough.
They're leaving.
Hurry, hurry.
We're switching tables, Verla! Oh, here.
- What's this? - Gigs.
My typewriter lost its "S.
" That's why it says "Aturday," "Unday.
" You went to college; you can figure it out.
These are all in the next two weeks.
- So? - I'm going to the Catskills.
- Yeah, you said.
- So I can't do these.
I'm going to the Catskills.
First one's not till a week after next.
But I'm going to the Catskills.
Yeah, your record's skippin', Missy.
Get to the point.
I'm going to the Catskills for two months.
- Wha ? - Geez, I almost did a spit take.
Almost? That was a fucking spit take.
You're going to the Catskills for two months? I told you a million times I was going to the Catskills.
Yeah, but I figured it was five days, tops, not two fucking months.
I think you got the guy in back of me, too.
What the hell do you do up there for two months? - Lots of things.
- What things? You look at a tree, you go to bed, you get up, you look at a tree.
You gonna do that for two straight months? What the fuck is going on up there? There's activities.
We go boating, we sunbathe.
What do you do for the summer? I stay here.
And I sweat.
And I smell like a bum.
And I'm miserable, and I want to kill people.
And I do that till it gets cold.
But the whole city empties out in summer.
Why the hell are we having lunch if not to figure out our game plan for the next two months? I don't know, I just wanted to say good-bye.
Say good-bye, like we're friends? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
How many times do I have to say this? We are coworkers, not friends.
Want some proof? Look, no friendship ring.
Case closed.
- Okay, okay.
- And I would like you to start treating me more professionally.
Like keeping me in the loop.
I mean, two months away is gonna kill our momentum.
A heads-up would've been nice.
I'm sorry.
I thought I gave you a heads-up.
- Yeah, yeah.
- WAITRESS: There you go, ladies.
- What is that? - Nothing.
Miriam.
What is it? It's a ring.
- Holy fuck.
- But it is not a friendship ring.
Eat your sandwich.
It's just a ring I saw at the store.
It was on sale.
I thought you would like it.
- Two months.
- Plus, I get a 20% discount.
- It's not that big a deal.
- Eat, eat.
- Is it gold or silver? - What? The ring, is it gold or silver? Silver.
You don't seem like a gold person.
I'll take a look at it.
Later.
I can take it back.
Two months.
Everything's gonna fit! My miniatures were spot on.
- I still got it! - ROSE: Good for you, Abe! Let's go.
We want to beat the traffic.
Such a beautiful day for a drive.
MIDGE: Where's the baby? ROSE: I've got the baby, Miriam.
- Hurry, Mommy! - Don't run, Ethan.
Good-bye, Zelda.
We'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too, Miss Miriam.
We're going to the Catskills! Let's take a trip in a trailer No need to come back at all Oh, let's take a powder To Boston for chowder Let's get away from it all (LAUGHTER) - Let's go again to Niagara - Do-do-do This time we'll look at the falls - Do-do-do-do-do - Oh, let's get away From it all - (PAULY CHUCKLING) - Let's get away from it all.
- Mr.
Weissman! - (CAR DOORS CLOSING) Oh, you look thin.
Hello, Pauly.
How have you been? Can't complain.
Ladies! - Welcome back to Steiner Mountain Resort.
- (ABE SIGHS) - Your home away from home.
- Hi, Pauly.
- Oh, good to see you, Pauly.
- (ABE CHUCKLES) It's your 27th year in a row, I believe.
Your stats are correct, dear sir.
Oh, smell that mountain air.
Invigorating.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Oh, here's Kent.
He'll be your kid camp coordinator.
His name's actually David, but we wanted to keep the K-sound thing.
- Uh-huh.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Kent.
- Hi, Ethan.
It's potty and playtime.
You ready to go? - Yeah! - (LAUGHTER) We'll take him from here.
Let's go! - Come on inside, gang.
- Bye, Mommy! - Let's get you all settled in.
- All right.
KENT: Run, everybody, run! (KIDS SCREAMING PLAYFULLY) - (LIVELY CHATTER) - (PHONES RINGING) I'm assuming you worked up a thirst on your journey, - Mr.
Weissman? - That I did.
Our signature Steiner tomato juice.
Homemade and frosted to perfection.
I've been hankering for it since August.
- Ah.
- Mm.
(SIGHS) It's the very taste of vacation.
- Ah.
- Mr.
Weissman.
We have you in your usual cottage by the lake.
If I could just get you to sign a couple of forms for me.
Ooh, with blood or a pen? (LAUGHTER) Mr.
Weissman, you should be on the stage.
- A pen will do.
- Ah.
And keep the pen.
MIDGE: Three-legged race.
- You're on.
- Good-bye, ladies.
- Hello, Midge.
- Gabi.
Good to see you.
- How are the kids? - Happy and healthy.
And how far along in the process are you? - The process? - With him.
- Joel? - (GROWLS) Oh, well, it's all kind of new, and we're still figuring it out.
He'll actually be up here later today.
- Really? - Yeah.
Why? Well, the kids are his, and he likes them, so he'll be coming back and forth from the city.
How modern.
So I'll see you two ladies at the salon? - Yes, you will.
- Mm-hmm.
Good-bye, Gabi.
Oh, God.
Is this what it's gonna be? (GROANS): Grr.
- There you go.
- PAULY: Okay.
Now that you're all signed in, let me introduce you to your boy for the summer, Mr.
Weissman.
Oh, well, no introduction necessary.
- I raised Jimmy from a pup.
- Oh, it's not Jimmy.
This is Samuel.
He's one of my best young boys.
What happened to Jimmy? Good news.
There were some stumbles, but he was finally accepted to the internship he wanted.
- Isn't that great? - But I Good for Jimmy.
I'm at your service, Mr.
Weissman.
Your hand is wet.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, guests.
Just a reminder that orientation in the main hall is one hour away; see you there.
You know the way, friends.
Bring everything in the trailer, and there's a couple of things in the trunk.
There's a baby in the backseat, Mr.
Weissman.
Bring that, too! SAMUEL: Right.
ABE: Ah, that beautiful lake! (DOOR CREAKS) - Good morning.
- Ah, gentlemen.
- I'll take this one.
- I'm right here, Mr.
Weissman.
MIDGE: Whew! It needs to air out a little.
ABE: Come on, guys.
Hustle, hustle.
ROSE: All the furniture's in the wrong place.
- MIDGE: We'll move it around.
- ABE: I left a diagram - for them last time.
- Well, they know how we like it.
- It should've been ready.
- MIDGE: Those go to the second bedroom! The one on the left.
ABE: The screen door needs adjusting.
SAMUEL: I can do that for you, sir.
ABE: Or someone from the proper department can fix this, Jimmy.
- It needs to be done right.
- MIDGE: Sorry, I meant right, not left.
- Right.
Right.
- SAMUEL: Right.
Right.
ROSE: Abe, make sure the windows are open upstairs.
- ABE: Right, got it.
- MIDGE: There's no room for this.
ROSE: Just wedge it in, then move that piece over here.
No, no, don't put it on the couch.
ABE: There's new carpeting on the stairs.
MIDGE: Put it back, guys.
We've got to figure this out.
ROSE: I've already figured this out.
MIDGE: You just put the couch on the chair.
- ROSE: This is more luggage than last year.
- It's way more.
ABE: Oh, beautiful day.
ROSE: The luggage is piling up in the kitchen.
MIDGE: Oh, watch the lamp! Watch the lamp! - Was this tree here last year? - SAMUEL: Which tree? - I think it was there, Papa.
- ABE: I don't remember - this big tree being there.
- ROSE: Oh, there's an extra chair in here.
SAMUEL: Can I help you with the tree, Mr.
Weissman? ABE: How could you possibly help me with the tree? Explain yourself.
MIDGE: Ah, I forgot Esther's doll.
- ROSE: Which one? - Betsy Wetsy.
I knew I forgot something.
ROSE: We'll have Jimmy run out for a new doll.
MIDGE: That'll wet itself? It has to wet itself.
ABE: What's the couch doing outside? - ROSE: It's just temporary! - ELIANA: Oh, Midge.
- ABE: It'll get dirty out here.
- Oh, sorry about Joel, Midge.
- MIDGE: It's okay, Eliana.
- Are you devastated? - Fresh tomato juice, sir? - You were getting luggage; now you're bringing me tomato juice? ELIANA: Oh, good, good, you should move on.
Such a cad.
MIDGE: There's one too many cooks in the kitchen.
ROSE: There's a cook in the kitchen? - Watch out! - ABE: Oh! - (GLASS BREAKS) - ABE: Jimmy! ROSE: There's tomato juice everywhere! - SAMUEL: I'll get a mop! - Oh, Abe.
- MIDGE: Where's the towel? - We need some help here.
ABE: And he forgot the baby.
Jimmy, bring a mop and the baby.
- MIDGE: Why is the couch outside? - ROSE: I don't know.
I think the layout in there works.
I think it works, too.
And I think it's exactly the way it was when we got here.
- But I think we've proven that it's right.
- Mm.
- All situated, ladies? - Yes, Pauly, thank you.
Abe's upstairs.
I'll get him for you.
Abe! Actually, I'm here to talk to Miriam.
- Mind if I sit? - No.
Pauly, please.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Carl Finger.
Paging Carl Finger.
Not an emergency, but not not an emergency, either.
Now, orientation is in a few minutes, - so I don't want to keep you long.
- Sure.
What's up? (CLEARS THROAT) It's about the swimsuit competition.
- Mm, the Mrs.
Steiner Pageant? - What about it? We're all aware of your record, Miriam.
WHAT A FEAT: eight wins in a row in three different categories.
And you get lovelier every year, just like your mother.
- Oh.
- But this year, I think we have a new and exciting proposition for you.
- Fun.
What is it? - Sash girl.
Sash girl? But the sash girl doesn't compete.
She just hands the sash to the winner.
- That's right.
- But what if I win? I hand the sash to myself? The photograph will look ridiculous.
Look, you've competed as a teen, as an ingénue, and in the Mrs.
Steiner Pageant these past four years, but this year, we're hard-pressed to make the argument that you are any of those things.
Not after the recent change in your situation.
But I'm technically still married.
Yes, but the Mrs.
Steiner Swimsuit Pageant winner is always accompanied by her husband.
And having him there with you might cast a pall.
- I see.
- But of course we want you there, and that's why we'd like you to enjoy the honor of handing the sash to this year's winner.
But what about the weird old lady who always hands out the sash? That would be my grandmother.
Sorry.
Won't she be disappointed? - She passed.
- So I guess she won't mind.
I appreciate your understanding.
And on the bright side, you're free to load up on rice pudding tonight.
(CHUCKLES) See you at orientation.
Hershey? I just got kicked out of the swimsuit pageant.
That does it.
You're definitely wearing the Mamie Van Doren.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Paging Leon Zigglestein.
Please come get your wallet at the front desk.
Mr.
Leon Zigglestein.
- (LIVELY CHATTER) - Ah.
PAULY: Let's all grab seats, everybody.
We'll begin here in a minute.
Miriam Maisel.
Alya Feinburg, good to see you.
- You, too.
- And how's Marv? Uh, I can't get him off the links.
A widow to golf, and yet so young.
I thought we should touch base about this thing with Joel.
- All right.
- The four of us have spent so much time together up here, playing charades, the bowling team, all the stuff friends do.
- Yes? - Well, Marv and I (WHISPERS): discussed it, and we were pretty much in agreement that he's actually a better friend of Joel's than I am of yours.
- Okay.
I get it.
- So We'll still run into each other.
Buffet line, bathroom.
- I'm glad you understand.
- Mm-hmm.
So are you changing your name? - To Zippy Maisel.
- Really? - No.
- You're fun.
- Just not as fun as Joel.
- Bye.
PAULY: All right, here we go.
- Good afternoon, my beauties! - CROWD: Hi, Pauly! Now, most of you know me, but for those who don't, I'm Pauly Auerbach, just beginning my 18th fabulous year as your Steiner executive director.
And, oh, boy, I'm gonna have a heart attack from all the exciting activities we got planned for you this season! (CROWD CHEERING) Now, each of you will find a Steiner newsletter under your seat, Issue Number One for 1959.
And if you think you notice a fun new font, you're not wrong.
Good eye.
Oh, finally! I hated the old font, hated it.
PAULY: In it is a map of the property, some things you need to know, and of course a list of upcoming activities for the week.
And here's hoping that our returning guests will take all you newcomers under their wing to give them the lay of the land, and to show them what's mud and what's bear bleep.
(LAUGHTER) Now, there is a young man here that a lot of you already know and love, our entertainment director, Buzz Goldberg.
Come on up and take the mic, Buzz.
Hello, Steinerites! How's everybody doing? (CROWD CHEERING) You all may not have met me, but you know what I do: - I manufacture fun.
- (CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY) And it seems like I could whip up a little right now.
- What do you say? - (CHEERING) Hey, now, what are all these employees doing standing around? Get on up here and help me lead the group in the "Steiner Resort Welcome Song.
" (CROWD WHOOPING) (PLAYS NOTE) One, two, three, four.
(TO "CAROLINA IN THE MORNING"): Nothing could be finer Than to spend the day at Steiner in the summer Ah, you remember it! Nothing much convinces like the taste of Steiner blintzes In the summer Just the girls now.
Play all day and dance all night - Now the boys.
- All us happy Israelites (JOSH CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE) Oh, boy.
Looks like we have a note challenge.
- CROWD: Note challenge! - The resort record for holding that last note is 42 seconds.
Let's see how he does, folks.
(CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE) I hit some traffic.
Did I miss the bear shit joke? - Yes, you did.
- Ah, hell.
This guy's an amateur.
- ites.
- (CROWD CHEERS) Ah, not a record, but a heck of an effort.
- Good try, Josh.
- (APPLAUSE) - (CHUCKLES) - (PLAYS NOTE) So skip the luxury liner To enjoy a schvitz at Steiner in the summer.
ALL (CHANTING): Steiner! Steiner! - Steiner! - (FEET STOMPING RHYTHMICALLY) We're finer! Finer! Finer! - How's it going here since you arrived? - Steiner.
Steiner.
- Fine, I guess.
- (CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING) - Anybody mention anything about ? - Us? Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
I was here ten minutes, and I got corralled by three people.
I've gotten it all day.
They even kicked me out of the swimsuit pageant 'cause I'm no longer a missus.
- What? - I get to be sash girl.
But sash girl just hands out the sash.
Pauly has spoken.
Steiner! Good job! Applaud yourselves, everyone! (CROWD CHEERING) Anything I can get for you, Mr.
Weissman? PAULY: Thank you, Buzz.
Great job.
You'll never be Jimmy.
PAULY: Now, friends, last year there was some kvetching that the resort was short on certain recreation equipment.
Well, listen to me and listen to me carefully.
This year, there will be more hula hoops.
- WOMAN: Yeah! - There will be - more floaties.
- (WHOOPING, CLAPPING) And there will be more balls! (CROWD CHEERING) JOEL: Nothing to see here, Asher! PAULY: On a happier note, let's wish all our newlyweds mazel tov, yes? Some of whom met right here at Steiner Mountain Resort and made a blessed, lifelong commitment.
Are you kidding me? There's Izzy and Enid Schulburg.
Neil and Phyllis Cohen.
And Allie and Taavi Applebaum, who met playing shuffleboard.
To all our happy couples, may you have life, luck, and lots of little Steinerites! (APPLAUSE) What are you doing? Hey, Steiner guests, can I get your attention? Sorry, Pauly.
This'll just take a second.
Most of you know me.
Joel Maisel.
And an awful lot of you are staring at me.
And Midge.
Now, you know what happened to us.
We're separated, okay? But we're still close.
Our families are close.
And we love our kids, and they both love us, so everything's fine.
Really, there's nothing to stare at here.
You can still be friends with me, or not.
And you can still be friends with Midge, or not.
It's up to you.
And, Pauly, shame on you for not letting Midge in the Mrs.
Steiner Swimsuit Pageant.
She's eight years a champion and a huge draw, and every $25 award she won, she donated to an orphans home in the Bronx.
So this year, thanks to you, some orphans are going hungry.
(CROWD MURMURS) So we're clear? Yes? - (MAN COUGHS) - Good.
So, have fun, everybody.
See you dockside.
PAULY: Always expect the unexpected here at Steiner Mountain Resort.
Well, you know what I always say.
Abi gezunt! - Everybody! Abi? - CROWD: Gezunt! - PAULY: Well, that's all that's on the docket, everybody.
- (APPLAUSE) So enjoy your summer, enjoy your stay, because before you know it, it'll be over.
I'll see you tonight.
ANNOUNCER: Steinerites, the pool is now open.
Remember, we have our salon appointments later.
- I will be there.
- Mm-hmm.
- So what building are you in? - Hmm? What building? Are you north side, south side? - Oh, shit.
- What? - I don't have a room.
- You don't have a room? I'm always in the cottage with you and your parents, so it didn't even occur to me to book one.
Still getting used to some things, I guess.
Well, go see if they have something available.
I heard people talking.
There's a gigantic waiting list.
Such an idiot.
Guess I'll go back.
Don't go back.
You just got here.
I could throw myself on the mercy of Pauly, but I don't think he's my closest friend right now.
Look, just stay on our sun porch till you figure it out.
Really? Ethan can sleep out there with you.
He'll love it.
Will your parents love it? They'll be fine.
I'll make it fine.
Okay.
Thanks.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, guests.
Tonight's vodka and latke mixer will be in the rec room at 8:00 p.
m.
The ladies just headed out to the salon.
Yeah, Rose told me that was where they were heading.
Abe I promise I won't be in your way.
I'll store my stuff under the staircase.
You'll never see it.
You'll hardly know I'm here.
It's fine, Joel.
Sorry, with everything going on, booking a room just slipped my mind.
Ah, it's fine, really.
A room will open up soon enough.
Anything else? Look, Joel, up here in the mountains, I do different kinds of things.
You drink a lot of tomato juice.
Not just the tomato juice.
I have a morning routine.
Every day, before the sun's up, when everyone's asleep, I do my special outdoor calisthenics.
I didn't know that.
And I wear special clothing.
And now that you're down here, you're bound to see me when I head out.
- Special clothing? - A romper, Joel.
- I wear a romper.
- What's a romper? It's a one-piece exercise outfit.
Oh.
Very tight-fitting, and no one has seen me in it, not even Rose.
But now, you may see me in it.
You should be prepared.
Okay.
Anything else? I'm wondering if I should put it on and show it to you.
- Oh, no, Abe, no.
- Just so we can get beyond it.
I really don't think that's necessary.
- You haven't seen it.
- I sleep very deeply.
Really, don't even think about me.
Okay.
I'll try not to.
(SLURPS LOUDLY) ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Ladies, Chef Seymour Silver invites you to join him in the trailside lounge at 2:15 for a garniture demonstration.
That's 2:15 in the trailside lounge.
You know, he hypnotized her at the mesmerism show last year, and to this day, she still clucks like a chicken - when you clap your hands.
- No.
- (MIDGE LAUGHS) - All that clucking at orientation, that was Lottie Friedman.
I'll give her this, she clucks on the beat.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, you see Saul over there? - ROSE: Oh, dear.
- EDIE: You know, his wife died.
Yes, a tragedy.
Well, she's not dead three months when he turns around and marries her kid sister.
Joanie? But the man is still on the prowl; look at him.
At the "End of Summer" soirée last year, he danced with Leah Bernstein.
And when he pressed up against her, she could feel his excitement.
Oh, kind of wishing you hadn't said that.
It may have been a pocketknife.
(CHUCKLES): Yes, a pocketknife! Well, I'll see you two tonight.
My God, you look like sisters.
- If only.
See you tonight, Edie.
- Bye, Edie.
Let's get you to the dryers, ladies.
Mama, thanks for letting Joel stay with us for a few nights.
He got stuck, and I want him to see the kids.
Oh, it was fine.
I'll get you some lemonade.
It was very nice what he did at the orientation.
Surprisingly manly.
Let's hope it stops all this silliness.
From your lips.
Relationships should be private.
- Don't you think? - Amen.
So, are you dating? - What? - Are you dating? What's your dating life? I know nothing.
I guess my dating life doesn't get to be private.
You're just out late so often, what else would it be? Well, as a matter of fact, yes, I am dating a little bit.
Anyone I know? Anyone from the neighborhood? No, I'm kind of just getting around.
I mean, not "getting around.
" It's just that I'm not being geographically snobby.
- You know? - I guess.
I'm kind of hitting all five boroughs.
Well, that doesn't seem right.
Don't your friends have anyone to set you up with? - Nope.
- Not even that little blonde thing that talks all high and chirpy? Imogene.
Nope, all her friends are Gentiles.
Oh.
Well, tell me about these Jewish men you're seeing, like that man that gave you the fur coat.
- Fur coat? - You wore it to synagogue last year.
- What is he, a furrier? - No, a trapper.
But it was a short-lived thing.
He was a little Paul Bunyan for my taste.
- You dated a trapper? - And a cab driver.
- You didn't.
- And a carny.
I actually met the carny, oddly enough, because the date with the cab driver was so awful I told him to let me out of the car, and we were in Coney Island, and I got out, and there was the carny.
- My God.
- So he and I had a drink.
And it was nice.
And he introduced me to his sister, Koo Koo the Bird Girl, but I thought, "Where could this go?" Koo Koo was nice, but I don't want to end up living in a circus tent.
- Is this a joke? - It's the truth.
Are you intimate with any of these men? Oh, no, it hasn't gotten that far.
- But, Miriam, when - Mm, sorry, Mama.
If I don't start now, my hair will never dry, and I'll be late picking up Esther from the sitter.
Pick it up, Goldie.
I'm glad we talked, though.
It's been weighing on me.
- Okay, but I'm gonna keep on the lookout for you.
Okay? - (DRYER WHIRRING) - What? - (LOUDER): I'm gonna be on the lookout for a man.
Fine.
The way you hold your knife The way we danced till 3:00 The way you changed my life No, no, they can't take that away from me No, they can't take that away What are you doing, Papa? Yes, Abe, please tell me you didn't bring homework.
This is my Catskills alcohol-consumption index.
I drink more up here, but I've devised a system to keep from getting tipsy.
Takes into account food consumption, time frame, total alcohol intake.
Here, verify this for me.
Drink number one: a Napoleon, 7:30.
Napoleon reported for duty at 7:30.
Check.
Drink number two: a Tom Collins, 8:15.
Tom Collins made the list at 8:15.
Now it's 9:15, and I'm just finishing my gin rickey with absolutely no sign of "abbleebliation.
" I'm sorry.
No sign of what? "Abeebalation.
" Why is that so hard to say? Because you are totally "abeebalated.
" Can't take that away From me.
(APPLAUSE) Ken Washington and his Swinging Lamplighters, everybody.
Making their ninth annual appearance - at Steiner Mountain Resort.
- (APPLAUSE) Hope everybody enjoyed the sheet cake for dessert.
I know I did.
I didn't think it tasted like sheet at all.
- (LAUGHTER) - So corny.
- And how.
- (LAUGHING): That's hysterical.
So, now put on your dancing shoes and get ready to swing with Ken and the band.
Ken, what do you say, daddio? Do what you do so well.
(CHEERING) (WHISTLE BLOWING) Hold it.
Hey, hold it.
Ken starts playing and folks start dancing? (CHUCKLES): It's too easy, no? No, tradition calls for having a little fun with the first dance, right, everybody? - Dance challenge.
- Dance challenge.
- Get up, get up, get up.
- BUZZ: That's right.
It's time for a dance challenge.
And here is your CHALLENGE: you don't dance unless you find a partner that has - wait for it - (WOMAN LAUGHS) wait for it - wait for it - ABE: Tell us already, farty! (QUIET LAUGHTER) Uh, here it is: your dance partner must have first and last initials that match your own.
- Otherwise, you don't dance.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMING) An "Initial Dance.
" - BUZZ: Are you ready? - Yes! - Then let the Initial Dance begin! - (LIVELY DANCE MUSIC BEGINS) - Ooh, M.
M.
- M.
M.
- Marvin Mueller.
- No, Mitzi Mossberg has already grabbed him.
Ooh, damn.
Who else, who else? Menashe Morgenstein.
Where's he? - Oh, on a kibbutz.
- Fucker.
- Dance with Sheldon Babiatz.
- No, not the concept, Papa.
Shoot, they're going fast.
Ooh, Marty Micklestein, 12 o'clock.
His name's not Marty, it's Buddy.
No, his name's Marty, but everybody calls him Buddy.
That's why he's still available.
Go, go! Damn you, Molly Mencher.
Ah! Michael Mussbaum, right? - It's Nussbaum.
- (GROANS) Morty Mermelstein.
- Oh, excuse me.
Coming through.
- (WOMAN LAUGHS) Ah! Sorry, Malca.
Okay, Morty, let's see what you got.
BUZZ: Gorgeous, everybody.
Now let's mix it up a little.
Guys, cut in and dance with the beauty of your choice.
It was a pleasure, Morty.
- Whoa! Too close? - (GRUNTS) Uh, any closer, I'd be on the other side of you.
Yeah.
So, did you hear I married Aunt Joan? My kids call her Aunt Joan.
I just call her Joan.
- Mazel tov, Saul.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, Feivish.
- What's wrong? - Do you know Marnie? The cutie from Canarsie? Sure.
She won't even look at me no matter what I do.
- And what are you doing? - Nothing.
Oh, Feivish.
What am I gonna do with you? Talk to her? Be the go-between? It's a big mitzvah to make a shidduch.
- Let me see what I can do.
- Thanks, Miriam.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) - (SQUEALS) - Oh, look at you.
- You're a dervish.
- Mr.
Fuchtwanger.
Back for another go-around at Steiner, huh? What's the Steiner Daily Newsletter without its resident gossip columnist? - Mm.
- You ready? Blind item.
- Hit me with it.
- What doyenne of Brooklyn Heights still bears the scars of recent breast augmentation? - No idea.
- Nellie Abromowitz.
It was a blind item.
You weren't supposed to say.
I'm such a bitch! Oh, been there, done that.
Sorry, Morty.
Ooh, Marnie, you know Feivish Feldstein, right? - A little.
- He likes you, a lot.
- He never looks at me.
- He's young and shy and a little stupid, but he's sweet, and he's pining for you, and right now he's propped against a pillar pretending not to stare at you.
- Give him a shot? - Here goes nothing.
- (LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER) - (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) (WOMEN WHOOPING) Ooh, kiddo, your palms really do get wet.
Could you do me a favor, Mrs.
Maisel? Could you put in a good word for me with your father? - I'll do what I can, Samuel.
- Just tell him that the scuff on his suitcase was there before I picked it up, I swear.
- I will.
- I checked it against the miniatures.
- I'll do what I can.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Ooh, that makes me sound old.
- Ooh, some pocketknife.
- Just heard you'd been banned from the swimsuit pageant, Miriam.
Word travels fast.
Golly, I'm gonna miss seeing you in your bikini.
Time to go back to Aunt Joan, Saul.
(MUSIC ENDS) - Oh.
- Hi.
- Well, hello there.
- (SLOW DANCE MUSIC BEGINS) Thought we'd confuse the hell out of everybody.
Let's do it.
I stand at your gate And the song that I sing is of moonlight I stand and I wait For the touch of your hand In the June night The roses are sighing A moonlight serenade ABE (SLURRING): He always sings Raggedy music to the cattle as he swings I'm in no condition to drive.
(CHUCKLES) Luckily, you don't have to drive tonight, Abe.
The state of New York will thank us for that.
Back and forward in the saddle on his horse - A pretty good horse - (WHISPERS): Thanks, Midge.
With syncopated gait - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (BIRDS CALLING) (DOOR CLOSES) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) ("CHICKEN FAT" BY ROBERT PRESTON PLAYING) Touch down every morning, ten times Not just now and then Give that chicken fat back to the chicken And don't be chicken again No, don't be chicken again Ready - Touch down, up, down - Touch down every morning - Ten times, hut, four - Not just now and then - Hut, five, hut - Give that chicken fat - Six, hut - Back to the chicken - Seven, hut, eight - And don't be chicken again - Hut, nine, hut - No, don't be chicken a Beautiful girl You're a lovely picture Beautiful girl You're a gorgeous mixture Of all that lies Under the big, blue skies My heart cries Beautiful girl You're a dazzling eyeful It's a competitive field this year, people.
Every bathing beauty before you is a potential winner, but only one walks away with the $25 prize.
Each husband as proud as the next.
Each contestant beautifully representing Steiner Resort.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) And this year, the winner of the Mrs.
Steiner Swimsuit Pageant is - Talia Goldstein.
- (CROWD CHEERING) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Beautiful girl.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Wrong girl.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Don't forget, the Miss Ingénue Pageant happens at 3:00.
When we say the scenery's lovely here, we're not kidding.
(CHUCKLES) - See you then.
- (APPLAUSE) A bunch of us are gonna sunbathe, Miriam.
Want to join? Sure.
Just let me grab my magazines.
I left 'em all in the car.
- See you in a bit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hi, Frieda.
Nice to see you.
- Hey, Midge.
- Susie? - What the fuck are you wearing? What the hell are you doing here? My question first.
It's my Mamie Van Doren.
You constantly astonish me.
I repeat, what are you doing here? Well, my star/only client decides to go off and spend the fucking summer up in the land of canoes and knishes, and I couldn't just let things stop, so I came up to look for a gig for you up here on the off chance (GRUNTS) (COUGHS) I ate a bug.
- Happens a lot.
- Ugh! It's in my throat.
It's still moving.
Susie, I can't play gigs up here, okay? Everybody knows me.
(COUGHS) Don't worry, there's hundreds of places up here.
A lot of them are shit, but some of them have pretty good rooms; that's what I'm aiming for.
But how would I do this? I'm here on vacation.
(RASPS) You'll slip out, just like you've been doing for most of the year no big deal.
Oh.
Well you got any leads? (SIGHS) Friends at the Stage Deli are lending a hand.
It's not easy breaking through, but I'm trying.
- What is that? - Ah.
It's my ticket in, sister.
My magic pass to this godforsaken place.
- How so? - All I have to do is walk around holding this thing, everyone thinks I work here.
- It's genius.
- But how will you eat? - Where are you staying? - Let me worry about that.
You just wait for my call.
Be ready.
- I'll be ready.
- And if I don't book you, at the very least, I'll have made Ugh! Shit! I ate another bug.
- Go get something to drink.
- Ah! It's mating with the other one.
- Really, a little bit of water.
- God, I hate nature.
- (DRYERS WHIRRING) - IDA: They never found the body.
EDIE: They did too find Glenn Miller's body.
- IDA: No! - Yeah! He was still holding his trombone.
(CONVERSATION CONTINUES QUIETLY) IDA: Did you see that Tony Curtis said that kissing Marilyn Monroe was like kissing Hitler? Kissing Hitler? How would Tony Curtis know what kissing Hitler was like? I don't know.
He said it, not me.
He had such thin lips.
- Tony Curtis? - Adolf Hitler.
His lips were almost nonexistent.
Maybe that's why he was so angry, do you think? I don't like thinking about that man; he was awful.
Speaking of awful, did you see Gladys has a hair appointment on Tuesday? But her husband's a weekender.
He won't be here till Friday.
Oh? Who's she getting all dolled up for if not for him? She's been playing an awful lot of tennis lately.
- The tennis pro? - You said it, not me.
I'm getting tired of people hopping around from bed to bed.
Tony Curtis, Gladys Lipschitz.
Stay in one place.
It's exhausting.
Oh, please.
If my son would just stay with a girl for more than two dates, I'd plotz.
- Benjamin? - No one is good enough for him.
Lovely girls from good families.
They cook.
They're sweet as pie.
They don't laugh too loud or talk too loud.
"They're too normal," he says.
"They're boring.
" Boring? What's that? All my friends have grandchildren, and here I am with nothing on the horizon.
And he's such a catch.
A doctor, handsome.
He's so handsome.
But he says he wants someone interesting, someone unique get this, someone weird.
Weird! I've got the perfect girl for him.
Mink is the ultimate way for your husband to say, "I love you.
" It's the most popular fur and will last for years.
Very durable.
Raccoon fur is similar to mink in that it's durable, and the color scheme is unique and stands out in a crowd.
Note this, ladies: it is better to buy a luxurious raccoon than a poor-quality mink.
Now, let's talk about coordinating muffs.
Your grandmother called them "mufflers," but, ladies, this is not your grandmother's muff.
(WOMEN LAUGHING QUIETLY) - (WORKERS CHATTERING) - (DISHES CLINKING) - Hey! - Yeah? Don't be picking off my plates.
Employee mess is around the corner.
- Grab what you want.
- Thanks.
(LIVELY CHATTER NEARBY) (DOOR CREAKS) (WOMEN LAUGHING, CHATTERING) (CHATTER STOPS) You in plumbing? - Uh, yeah.
- Need a bunk? - Yes, I do.
- That one's free.
- Huh? - Yeah.
Long day? Uh, plunged my ass off.
(BIRDS CALLING) (BIRDS CHIRPING) Okay, well, I thought spotting that rose-breasted grosbeak would be the highlight of our day, but I was wrong.
That's the Bicknell thrush.
And, folks, this is a rare opportunity to hear its beautiful morning song.
Let's listen.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (QUIETLY): He's an accomplished surgeon.
Lenox Hill.
First in his class at Johns Hopkins.
Had his choice of residencies at any hospital he chose.
He's already invented new surgical techniques that have become the worldwide standard, which is a remarkable feat for such a young man.
He's widely published in medical journals.
Now, I know he sounds a little oddball on the surface, but he's just eclectic.
That's often a symbol of accomplishment.
John Quincy Adams kept an alligator as a pet.
And Benjamin Franklin took naked air baths.
Did you know that? I wonder if Ida's son was named after him.
Oh, that's his name, Benjamin.
Do you like the name Benjamin? He's never rented.
He originally lived in Sutton Place had a beautiful view of the bridge.
But as close as it was to his practice, he still found it to be too far.
His patients are everything to him, so he sold the place at a loss.
Can you imagine that? He bought a duplex just a block from the hospital.
It has views, but not of the bridge.
So they went out about two hours ago? Yes, they do this every day.
They swim, they leave all their stuff.
This is my sister's purse.
She doesn't go anywhere without her purse.
Look, they could've swum to another spot on the lake and are taking their time to walk back.
- Not without telling me.
- Or Kyle, get to the office, find Pauly, and fill him in.
- We need boats on the water.
Go! - On it! Tell them to call every resort on the lake within a five-mile radius! This is a red flag alert.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (PEOPLE MURMURING) He loves the opera.
I know, I know, you're not the biggest opera fan.
But the spectacle alone is entertaining, so you should give it a chance.
The sets are sensational.
And, yes, sopranos can be very annoying, but the orchestra is wonderful.
He loves Puccini.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Red flag alert.
- I repeat, red flag alert.
- (ALARM WAILING IN DISTANCE) Joel you saw me in my romper, didn't you? Yeah.
BENJAMIN: Fifteen two, fifteen four, fifteen six and a pair is eight.
Not your lucky day, Golda.
- Benjamin, right? - I'm sorry? - Ida's son? - That's the rumor.
- Get up.
- What? We are going to do something together.
The sooner the better.
Get up.
- I'm a million steps behind.
- I'm Miriam Maisel.
You say that like I should know it.
Most people do know me here.
Eight swimsuit sashes? Top-seeded badminton champ? 22 straight years in the Steiner Fire Safety Captain's Club? - Nothing? - I'm just trying not to laugh here.
What's going on is not funny.
Now, we have to do something together to satisfy my mother's insatiable desire for us to meet before I tie her to a concrete post and throw her in the lake.
Is she dead before you tie her to the post, or do you tie her to the post alive and dump her in like that? - She's alive.
- There'll be screaming.
Not with the gag in her mouth.
- You've thought this through.
- Stand.
Start walking.
I'll admit my mother's mentioned you.
Our mothers have been scheming to set us up for days, and it will not stop until they see us doing something together.
So we'll do something, tell them we gave it a shot, nothing came of it, and I can get back to my life.
- And you want to do it now? - Right now.
You're not missing a meeting of the Steiner Fire Safety Corporal Club? Captain, captain.
And we don't meet till Thursday.
- It's raining.
- It'll pass.
- If it doesn't? - We melt.
Okay.
I'm convinced.
What do we do? - Boating? Really? - Yes.
Yes.
Let me guess, you're a charter member of the Aquatic Maritime Gunwale Anchor Schooner Society - nine years running.
- It's what we're doing.
BENJAMIN: I'm not a big fan of water.
But I like the public nature of it.
It's private, yet on display.
- Everyone will see us.
- Can't argue with logic.
My new friend Benjamin and I would like a boat, please.
You got it.
No standing, no rocking, no rowing past the buoys.
Thank you, Josh.
Yes, thank you, Josh.
(MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) One, two, three.
Happy boating! Be safe.
Perfect.
Everyone's already watching us.
Even with the pétanque championships going on, we're still a pull.
- Well? - Yes? - Are you going to row? - No.
Are you? - No.
The boy rows.
- I don't row.
What do you mean, you don't row? Everybody rows.
- Then go ahead and row.
- The boy rows.
- Not this boy.
- Pick up that oar.
It was your idea to get into a rowboat.
- Pick up that oar.
- Really? That tone? I might as well be rowing with my mother.
Well, you could've suggested something else.
I'm just going along for the ride here.
I was perfectly happy playing cribbage with the bubbes.
- (LAUGHTER) - (BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC) It's getting sillier.
- What is that? - The Steiner Daily Newsletter.
But we've got to at least look like we're talking.
- We are talking.
- You're reading.
I am trying to stay informed, and I am loving this new font.
Well, read something and I'll pretend that I'm enjoying it.
"Arthur Rossman would like to thank all the fellow guests who consoled him on the death of his beloved dog Mogul.
" (LAUGHS) You are sick.
Well, read something light that I can laugh at.
"There will be a twilight gathering of Holocaust survivors tonight in " Just shut up.
This is going very well.
You're supposed to row.
- I know.
- I don't row.
That's why you didn't get very far.
- I know.
- She never asked if I could row.
Well, Benjamin, thank you for the very, very little you did to get my mother off my back.
- Don't mention it.
- Are you getting out? I'm quite comfortable here, actually.
SAMUEL: I think the angle's fine, sir.
ABE: Almost, but not quite.
Rotate it five degrees counterclockwise.
- Yes, sir.
- ROSE: What's that, Abe? My new drinking index.
I blew some of the timelines before, but this one is going to work.
So ten degrees is five degrees in your world? What world do you live in, Jimmy? SAMUEL: But if it's close enough, I can always help you reposition it anytime during the fireworks.
(SIGHS) And miss which fireworks while we're doing that? The crackly dragon eggs? The-the weeping willows? The gorgeous crescendo of chrysanthemums? - Which ones? - I'm sorry, I'll get it right.
- With my help, you'll get it right.
- Hello, Joel.
Oh, hey.
You joining us? Got a spot on the blanket.
Nah, I'm a little tired.
Probably just gonna turn in.
- Your new room working out? - Yeah, it's great.
Again, thanks for letting me stay like that, Rose.
- It was really nice.
- No problem.
Good night.
ABE: Fold it up.
Let's just start over.
We'll start over.
Get another blanket.
All right.
So, I saw you two from the shore.
Who? Me and Benjamin? - What happened? - I did what I could.
I mean, why in the world wouldn't he pick up a damn oar? He just refused.
- So rude.
- So rude.
I must say, I was unimpressed.
- How could you not be? - Oof.
ABE: Ah, forget it.
- (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (BIRDS CALLING) (LAUGHTER, CHATTER) - Papa? - Yes? You're snockered.
- I'm fine.
- No, Abe, you're drunk.
Your calculations were off again.
(SLURRING): Give me another pickle.
The brine in the pickle counteracts the alcohol.
You've had ten pickles, Abe.
Your pickles aren't working.
- (LAUGHS) - Why are you laughing? 'Cause it's funny.
I'm having my lawyer contact the chief counsel at Claussen Pickles.
There will be a lawsuit.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Are you both laughing? - No.
That should be not laughing.
- (FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING) - (CROWD GASPING) Oh, Abe, you're missing the fireworks.
Oh, just describe them to me.
MIDGE: Well, there was, like, a big display of flowers, multicolored, and they danced across the sky.
Ah, that's a chrysanthemum.
I love the chrysanthemums.
(BOTH LAUGH) And now there's another sparkly thing going off.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Oh.
Oh (FIREWORKS CONTINUE) Send me photographs and souvenirs Just remember When a dream appears You belong to me I'll be So alone without (FIREWORKS CONTINUE) BENJAMIN: Got a light? Sure.
Thanks.
Not in a sociable mood tonight, huh? - Guess not.
- Me, neither.
I've never really understood fireworks.
We used to love them.
I mean, I did.
Now they're just - Lights in the sky.
- Lights in the sky.
You think What? You think we're ever really forgiven for the mistakes we've made? Who do you want doing the forgiving? God? People.
People never forgive.
Not in my experience.
They say they do, but they don't.
I'm not even sure forgiveness really matters.
Why wouldn't it matter? Well, what is it, forgiveness? It doesn't mean anything.
I mean, you still did what you did, right? Nothing's changed.
Forgiveness is a mindset.
Synapses in your brain telling you to think differently about something that's already happened.
It's amorphous.
It's not really there.
And if it's not really there, what is it? God, I hope that's not true.
Every day, I feel like I'm getting kicked in the head a little.
I know I deserve it, but I sure would like it to end someday.
Just do what I do, stay away from people.
If you're not around them, there are no mistakes to be made.
That's not the answer.
You know that.
You need people.
To bum a light.
That's about it, though.
Nah.
You'll change your mind someday.
Just wait.
You'll see.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISTANCE) (FIREWORKS CONTINUE) ("ROCK THE BOAT" BY THE HUES CORPORATION PLAYING) So I'd like to know where you got the notion Said I'd like to know where you got the notion - To rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over - Rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby Rock the boat Ever since our voyage of love began Your touch has thrilled me like the rush of the wind And your arms have held me safe from a rolling sea There's always been a quiet place to harbor you and me Our love is like a ship on the ocean We've been sailing with a cargo Full of love and devotion So I'd like to know where you got the notion Said I'd like to know where you got the notion So I'd like to know where you got the notion Said I'd like to know where you got the notion - To rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over - Rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over - Rock the boat - Ooh-hoo-hoo - Rock the boat - Rock on with your bad self Rock the boat Rock on with your bad self - Rock the boat - Rock on with your bad self Rock the boat, rock the boat Rock the boat Rock the boat, rock the boat.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
(WATCH TICKING) (SIGHS) (HUMMING) ABE: Ethan, no! These are not toys.
- They look like toys.
- They're not.
Go.
Go.
Get.
Get.
Go.
How is this a toy? ROSE: That's everything.
Thank you, Stewart.
MIDGE: Yes, thanks, guys.
Once again, you're our heroes.
Ah, the ever elusive cabana jackets.
How many should we bring? - Two each.
- Or three.
I've got one more coming from Saks.
It's chinoiserie.
You're gonna love it.
Ooh.
Bikinis.
You're doing the beauty contest again, I assume.
I believe my public demands it.
So this year, should I go classy? Your Doris Day.
- Or risqué? - Your Mamie Van Doren.
Will any other girl bother to compete? I wouldn't.
Bring them both, just to be sure.
ABE: You can't bring everything! Next is clamdiggers.
It's the Catskills; you can't have too many clamdiggers.
ABE: Yes, you can.
What about picnic dresses? We each have four.
- Should I bring them all? - There may be four picnics.
Or you can wear the same picnic dress to more than one picnic.
- Oh, Abe.
- (LAUGHS) Papa, you're too much.
Ladies, we've been over this.
The trailer has 163 cubic feet of space.
Do you understand? There's finite capacity.
- Beach robes? - We never wear them.
- I'll bring them anyway.
- Okay.
D did you see what just happened there? Papa, please do not micromanage this.
We have a system.
Your system is to bring everything you own.
I'm not bringing this.
It's too late to change the luggage we've chosen.
I've made precisely scaled models.
Your little toys.
- They're not toys.
- They're cute.
They're cute, yes, but they're not toys.
And right now, after much effort, all our tiny luggage fits in our tiny trailer.
He's adorable when he talks about these things.
Papa, we will do our best to stick to 160 cubic feet.
- I promise.
- Good.
This way, I can create a plan so that my boy Jimmy at the resort knows how to load it back up at the end of our stay.
You got Jimmy as your boy again this year? I thought he couldn't come back.
Yeah, he thought he was doing an internship at a big law firm, but I made a couple of calls, and now he's not.
Abe, you did not spoil that young man's future just so he can be your boy again in the Catskills.
What? No.
I called and found out he didn't get it.
I was heartbroken for him.
I wouldn't do that to Jimmy.
I love Jimmy.
- Mm-hmm.
- A little too much.
- Scale down, please.
- We're scaling.
Go.
- Yes, go, Abe.
- I'm supposed to have lunch with a friend.
- Okay if I scoot? - ABE: Ethan, no! - Do not play with these toys.
- Sure, go.
We'll finish later.
ABE: I didn't mean toys.
They're not toys.
- I won't be long.
Thank you, Zelda.
- ABE: It was a misnomer.
You know what a misnomer is.
No, no.
Don't play dumb.
These club owners call me back in a flash.
Sometimes I hear 'em yell, "Take a message," and when they hear it's me on the phone, they take the call.
- That's respect.
- For me.
I mean, look at me.
- They're respecting me.
- I'm looking at you.
Alone, I am a spittoon; with you, I'm a somebody.
That's not true, Susie.
They respect you because they fear you; you're great at what you do.
Mm, half of them respect me, maybe.
The other half want to get in your pants.
- Oh, stop.
- It's gonna happen.
I mean, look at you.
It's like a dollop of whipped cream grew a head.
Just don't undercut yourself; that's all I'm saying.
So you called this lunch.
What do you want to talk about? I just wanted to touch base before I go to the Catskills.
- We leave tomorrow.
- Cool.
God, it's gonna be so nice to have a break.
This past year has been tough.
They're leaving.
Hurry, hurry.
We're switching tables, Verla! Oh, here.
- What's this? - Gigs.
My typewriter lost its "S.
" That's why it says "Aturday," "Unday.
" You went to college; you can figure it out.
These are all in the next two weeks.
- So? - I'm going to the Catskills.
- Yeah, you said.
- So I can't do these.
I'm going to the Catskills.
First one's not till a week after next.
But I'm going to the Catskills.
Yeah, your record's skippin', Missy.
Get to the point.
I'm going to the Catskills for two months.
- Wha ? - Geez, I almost did a spit take.
Almost? That was a fucking spit take.
You're going to the Catskills for two months? I told you a million times I was going to the Catskills.
Yeah, but I figured it was five days, tops, not two fucking months.
I think you got the guy in back of me, too.
What the hell do you do up there for two months? - Lots of things.
- What things? You look at a tree, you go to bed, you get up, you look at a tree.
You gonna do that for two straight months? What the fuck is going on up there? There's activities.
We go boating, we sunbathe.
What do you do for the summer? I stay here.
And I sweat.
And I smell like a bum.
And I'm miserable, and I want to kill people.
And I do that till it gets cold.
But the whole city empties out in summer.
Why the hell are we having lunch if not to figure out our game plan for the next two months? I don't know, I just wanted to say good-bye.
Say good-bye, like we're friends? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
How many times do I have to say this? We are coworkers, not friends.
Want some proof? Look, no friendship ring.
Case closed.
- Okay, okay.
- And I would like you to start treating me more professionally.
Like keeping me in the loop.
I mean, two months away is gonna kill our momentum.
A heads-up would've been nice.
I'm sorry.
I thought I gave you a heads-up.
- Yeah, yeah.
- WAITRESS: There you go, ladies.
- What is that? - Nothing.
Miriam.
What is it? It's a ring.
- Holy fuck.
- But it is not a friendship ring.
Eat your sandwich.
It's just a ring I saw at the store.
It was on sale.
I thought you would like it.
- Two months.
- Plus, I get a 20% discount.
- It's not that big a deal.
- Eat, eat.
- Is it gold or silver? - What? The ring, is it gold or silver? Silver.
You don't seem like a gold person.
I'll take a look at it.
Later.
I can take it back.
Two months.
Everything's gonna fit! My miniatures were spot on.
- I still got it! - ROSE: Good for you, Abe! Let's go.
We want to beat the traffic.
Such a beautiful day for a drive.
MIDGE: Where's the baby? ROSE: I've got the baby, Miriam.
- Hurry, Mommy! - Don't run, Ethan.
Good-bye, Zelda.
We'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too, Miss Miriam.
We're going to the Catskills! Let's take a trip in a trailer No need to come back at all Oh, let's take a powder To Boston for chowder Let's get away from it all (LAUGHTER) - Let's go again to Niagara - Do-do-do This time we'll look at the falls - Do-do-do-do-do - Oh, let's get away From it all - (PAULY CHUCKLING) - Let's get away from it all.
- Mr.
Weissman! - (CAR DOORS CLOSING) Oh, you look thin.
Hello, Pauly.
How have you been? Can't complain.
Ladies! - Welcome back to Steiner Mountain Resort.
- (ABE SIGHS) - Your home away from home.
- Hi, Pauly.
- Oh, good to see you, Pauly.
- (ABE CHUCKLES) It's your 27th year in a row, I believe.
Your stats are correct, dear sir.
Oh, smell that mountain air.
Invigorating.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Oh, here's Kent.
He'll be your kid camp coordinator.
His name's actually David, but we wanted to keep the K-sound thing.
- Uh-huh.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Kent.
- Hi, Ethan.
It's potty and playtime.
You ready to go? - Yeah! - (LAUGHTER) We'll take him from here.
Let's go! - Come on inside, gang.
- Bye, Mommy! - Let's get you all settled in.
- All right.
KENT: Run, everybody, run! (KIDS SCREAMING PLAYFULLY) - (LIVELY CHATTER) - (PHONES RINGING) I'm assuming you worked up a thirst on your journey, - Mr.
Weissman? - That I did.
Our signature Steiner tomato juice.
Homemade and frosted to perfection.
I've been hankering for it since August.
- Ah.
- Mm.
(SIGHS) It's the very taste of vacation.
- Ah.
- Mr.
Weissman.
We have you in your usual cottage by the lake.
If I could just get you to sign a couple of forms for me.
Ooh, with blood or a pen? (LAUGHTER) Mr.
Weissman, you should be on the stage.
- A pen will do.
- Ah.
And keep the pen.
MIDGE: Three-legged race.
- You're on.
- Good-bye, ladies.
- Hello, Midge.
- Gabi.
Good to see you.
- How are the kids? - Happy and healthy.
And how far along in the process are you? - The process? - With him.
- Joel? - (GROWLS) Oh, well, it's all kind of new, and we're still figuring it out.
He'll actually be up here later today.
- Really? - Yeah.
Why? Well, the kids are his, and he likes them, so he'll be coming back and forth from the city.
How modern.
So I'll see you two ladies at the salon? - Yes, you will.
- Mm-hmm.
Good-bye, Gabi.
Oh, God.
Is this what it's gonna be? (GROANS): Grr.
- There you go.
- PAULY: Okay.
Now that you're all signed in, let me introduce you to your boy for the summer, Mr.
Weissman.
Oh, well, no introduction necessary.
- I raised Jimmy from a pup.
- Oh, it's not Jimmy.
This is Samuel.
He's one of my best young boys.
What happened to Jimmy? Good news.
There were some stumbles, but he was finally accepted to the internship he wanted.
- Isn't that great? - But I Good for Jimmy.
I'm at your service, Mr.
Weissman.
Your hand is wet.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, guests.
Just a reminder that orientation in the main hall is one hour away; see you there.
You know the way, friends.
Bring everything in the trailer, and there's a couple of things in the trunk.
There's a baby in the backseat, Mr.
Weissman.
Bring that, too! SAMUEL: Right.
ABE: Ah, that beautiful lake! (DOOR CREAKS) - Good morning.
- Ah, gentlemen.
- I'll take this one.
- I'm right here, Mr.
Weissman.
MIDGE: Whew! It needs to air out a little.
ABE: Come on, guys.
Hustle, hustle.
ROSE: All the furniture's in the wrong place.
- MIDGE: We'll move it around.
- ABE: I left a diagram - for them last time.
- Well, they know how we like it.
- It should've been ready.
- MIDGE: Those go to the second bedroom! The one on the left.
ABE: The screen door needs adjusting.
SAMUEL: I can do that for you, sir.
ABE: Or someone from the proper department can fix this, Jimmy.
- It needs to be done right.
- MIDGE: Sorry, I meant right, not left.
- Right.
Right.
- SAMUEL: Right.
Right.
ROSE: Abe, make sure the windows are open upstairs.
- ABE: Right, got it.
- MIDGE: There's no room for this.
ROSE: Just wedge it in, then move that piece over here.
No, no, don't put it on the couch.
ABE: There's new carpeting on the stairs.
MIDGE: Put it back, guys.
We've got to figure this out.
ROSE: I've already figured this out.
MIDGE: You just put the couch on the chair.
- ROSE: This is more luggage than last year.
- It's way more.
ABE: Oh, beautiful day.
ROSE: The luggage is piling up in the kitchen.
MIDGE: Oh, watch the lamp! Watch the lamp! - Was this tree here last year? - SAMUEL: Which tree? - I think it was there, Papa.
- ABE: I don't remember - this big tree being there.
- ROSE: Oh, there's an extra chair in here.
SAMUEL: Can I help you with the tree, Mr.
Weissman? ABE: How could you possibly help me with the tree? Explain yourself.
MIDGE: Ah, I forgot Esther's doll.
- ROSE: Which one? - Betsy Wetsy.
I knew I forgot something.
ROSE: We'll have Jimmy run out for a new doll.
MIDGE: That'll wet itself? It has to wet itself.
ABE: What's the couch doing outside? - ROSE: It's just temporary! - ELIANA: Oh, Midge.
- ABE: It'll get dirty out here.
- Oh, sorry about Joel, Midge.
- MIDGE: It's okay, Eliana.
- Are you devastated? - Fresh tomato juice, sir? - You were getting luggage; now you're bringing me tomato juice? ELIANA: Oh, good, good, you should move on.
Such a cad.
MIDGE: There's one too many cooks in the kitchen.
ROSE: There's a cook in the kitchen? - Watch out! - ABE: Oh! - (GLASS BREAKS) - ABE: Jimmy! ROSE: There's tomato juice everywhere! - SAMUEL: I'll get a mop! - Oh, Abe.
- MIDGE: Where's the towel? - We need some help here.
ABE: And he forgot the baby.
Jimmy, bring a mop and the baby.
- MIDGE: Why is the couch outside? - ROSE: I don't know.
I think the layout in there works.
I think it works, too.
And I think it's exactly the way it was when we got here.
- But I think we've proven that it's right.
- Mm.
- All situated, ladies? - Yes, Pauly, thank you.
Abe's upstairs.
I'll get him for you.
Abe! Actually, I'm here to talk to Miriam.
- Mind if I sit? - No.
Pauly, please.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Carl Finger.
Paging Carl Finger.
Not an emergency, but not not an emergency, either.
Now, orientation is in a few minutes, - so I don't want to keep you long.
- Sure.
What's up? (CLEARS THROAT) It's about the swimsuit competition.
- Mm, the Mrs.
Steiner Pageant? - What about it? We're all aware of your record, Miriam.
WHAT A FEAT: eight wins in a row in three different categories.
And you get lovelier every year, just like your mother.
- Oh.
- But this year, I think we have a new and exciting proposition for you.
- Fun.
What is it? - Sash girl.
Sash girl? But the sash girl doesn't compete.
She just hands the sash to the winner.
- That's right.
- But what if I win? I hand the sash to myself? The photograph will look ridiculous.
Look, you've competed as a teen, as an ingénue, and in the Mrs.
Steiner Pageant these past four years, but this year, we're hard-pressed to make the argument that you are any of those things.
Not after the recent change in your situation.
But I'm technically still married.
Yes, but the Mrs.
Steiner Swimsuit Pageant winner is always accompanied by her husband.
And having him there with you might cast a pall.
- I see.
- But of course we want you there, and that's why we'd like you to enjoy the honor of handing the sash to this year's winner.
But what about the weird old lady who always hands out the sash? That would be my grandmother.
Sorry.
Won't she be disappointed? - She passed.
- So I guess she won't mind.
I appreciate your understanding.
And on the bright side, you're free to load up on rice pudding tonight.
(CHUCKLES) See you at orientation.
Hershey? I just got kicked out of the swimsuit pageant.
That does it.
You're definitely wearing the Mamie Van Doren.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Paging Leon Zigglestein.
Please come get your wallet at the front desk.
Mr.
Leon Zigglestein.
- (LIVELY CHATTER) - Ah.
PAULY: Let's all grab seats, everybody.
We'll begin here in a minute.
Miriam Maisel.
Alya Feinburg, good to see you.
- You, too.
- And how's Marv? Uh, I can't get him off the links.
A widow to golf, and yet so young.
I thought we should touch base about this thing with Joel.
- All right.
- The four of us have spent so much time together up here, playing charades, the bowling team, all the stuff friends do.
- Yes? - Well, Marv and I (WHISPERS): discussed it, and we were pretty much in agreement that he's actually a better friend of Joel's than I am of yours.
- Okay.
I get it.
- So We'll still run into each other.
Buffet line, bathroom.
- I'm glad you understand.
- Mm-hmm.
So are you changing your name? - To Zippy Maisel.
- Really? - No.
- You're fun.
- Just not as fun as Joel.
- Bye.
PAULY: All right, here we go.
- Good afternoon, my beauties! - CROWD: Hi, Pauly! Now, most of you know me, but for those who don't, I'm Pauly Auerbach, just beginning my 18th fabulous year as your Steiner executive director.
And, oh, boy, I'm gonna have a heart attack from all the exciting activities we got planned for you this season! (CROWD CHEERING) Now, each of you will find a Steiner newsletter under your seat, Issue Number One for 1959.
And if you think you notice a fun new font, you're not wrong.
Good eye.
Oh, finally! I hated the old font, hated it.
PAULY: In it is a map of the property, some things you need to know, and of course a list of upcoming activities for the week.
And here's hoping that our returning guests will take all you newcomers under their wing to give them the lay of the land, and to show them what's mud and what's bear bleep.
(LAUGHTER) Now, there is a young man here that a lot of you already know and love, our entertainment director, Buzz Goldberg.
Come on up and take the mic, Buzz.
Hello, Steinerites! How's everybody doing? (CROWD CHEERING) You all may not have met me, but you know what I do: - I manufacture fun.
- (CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY) And it seems like I could whip up a little right now.
- What do you say? - (CHEERING) Hey, now, what are all these employees doing standing around? Get on up here and help me lead the group in the "Steiner Resort Welcome Song.
" (CROWD WHOOPING) (PLAYS NOTE) One, two, three, four.
(TO "CAROLINA IN THE MORNING"): Nothing could be finer Than to spend the day at Steiner in the summer Ah, you remember it! Nothing much convinces like the taste of Steiner blintzes In the summer Just the girls now.
Play all day and dance all night - Now the boys.
- All us happy Israelites (JOSH CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE) Oh, boy.
Looks like we have a note challenge.
- CROWD: Note challenge! - The resort record for holding that last note is 42 seconds.
Let's see how he does, folks.
(CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE) I hit some traffic.
Did I miss the bear shit joke? - Yes, you did.
- Ah, hell.
This guy's an amateur.
- ites.
- (CROWD CHEERS) Ah, not a record, but a heck of an effort.
- Good try, Josh.
- (APPLAUSE) - (CHUCKLES) - (PLAYS NOTE) So skip the luxury liner To enjoy a schvitz at Steiner in the summer.
ALL (CHANTING): Steiner! Steiner! - Steiner! - (FEET STOMPING RHYTHMICALLY) We're finer! Finer! Finer! - How's it going here since you arrived? - Steiner.
Steiner.
- Fine, I guess.
- (CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING) - Anybody mention anything about ? - Us? Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
I was here ten minutes, and I got corralled by three people.
I've gotten it all day.
They even kicked me out of the swimsuit pageant 'cause I'm no longer a missus.
- What? - I get to be sash girl.
But sash girl just hands out the sash.
Pauly has spoken.
Steiner! Good job! Applaud yourselves, everyone! (CROWD CHEERING) Anything I can get for you, Mr.
Weissman? PAULY: Thank you, Buzz.
Great job.
You'll never be Jimmy.
PAULY: Now, friends, last year there was some kvetching that the resort was short on certain recreation equipment.
Well, listen to me and listen to me carefully.
This year, there will be more hula hoops.
- WOMAN: Yeah! - There will be - more floaties.
- (WHOOPING, CLAPPING) And there will be more balls! (CROWD CHEERING) JOEL: Nothing to see here, Asher! PAULY: On a happier note, let's wish all our newlyweds mazel tov, yes? Some of whom met right here at Steiner Mountain Resort and made a blessed, lifelong commitment.
Are you kidding me? There's Izzy and Enid Schulburg.
Neil and Phyllis Cohen.
And Allie and Taavi Applebaum, who met playing shuffleboard.
To all our happy couples, may you have life, luck, and lots of little Steinerites! (APPLAUSE) What are you doing? Hey, Steiner guests, can I get your attention? Sorry, Pauly.
This'll just take a second.
Most of you know me.
Joel Maisel.
And an awful lot of you are staring at me.
And Midge.
Now, you know what happened to us.
We're separated, okay? But we're still close.
Our families are close.
And we love our kids, and they both love us, so everything's fine.
Really, there's nothing to stare at here.
You can still be friends with me, or not.
And you can still be friends with Midge, or not.
It's up to you.
And, Pauly, shame on you for not letting Midge in the Mrs.
Steiner Swimsuit Pageant.
She's eight years a champion and a huge draw, and every $25 award she won, she donated to an orphans home in the Bronx.
So this year, thanks to you, some orphans are going hungry.
(CROWD MURMURS) So we're clear? Yes? - (MAN COUGHS) - Good.
So, have fun, everybody.
See you dockside.
PAULY: Always expect the unexpected here at Steiner Mountain Resort.
Well, you know what I always say.
Abi gezunt! - Everybody! Abi? - CROWD: Gezunt! - PAULY: Well, that's all that's on the docket, everybody.
- (APPLAUSE) So enjoy your summer, enjoy your stay, because before you know it, it'll be over.
I'll see you tonight.
ANNOUNCER: Steinerites, the pool is now open.
Remember, we have our salon appointments later.
- I will be there.
- Mm-hmm.
- So what building are you in? - Hmm? What building? Are you north side, south side? - Oh, shit.
- What? - I don't have a room.
- You don't have a room? I'm always in the cottage with you and your parents, so it didn't even occur to me to book one.
Still getting used to some things, I guess.
Well, go see if they have something available.
I heard people talking.
There's a gigantic waiting list.
Such an idiot.
Guess I'll go back.
Don't go back.
You just got here.
I could throw myself on the mercy of Pauly, but I don't think he's my closest friend right now.
Look, just stay on our sun porch till you figure it out.
Really? Ethan can sleep out there with you.
He'll love it.
Will your parents love it? They'll be fine.
I'll make it fine.
Okay.
Thanks.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, guests.
Tonight's vodka and latke mixer will be in the rec room at 8:00 p.
m.
The ladies just headed out to the salon.
Yeah, Rose told me that was where they were heading.
Abe I promise I won't be in your way.
I'll store my stuff under the staircase.
You'll never see it.
You'll hardly know I'm here.
It's fine, Joel.
Sorry, with everything going on, booking a room just slipped my mind.
Ah, it's fine, really.
A room will open up soon enough.
Anything else? Look, Joel, up here in the mountains, I do different kinds of things.
You drink a lot of tomato juice.
Not just the tomato juice.
I have a morning routine.
Every day, before the sun's up, when everyone's asleep, I do my special outdoor calisthenics.
I didn't know that.
And I wear special clothing.
And now that you're down here, you're bound to see me when I head out.
- Special clothing? - A romper, Joel.
- I wear a romper.
- What's a romper? It's a one-piece exercise outfit.
Oh.
Very tight-fitting, and no one has seen me in it, not even Rose.
But now, you may see me in it.
You should be prepared.
Okay.
Anything else? I'm wondering if I should put it on and show it to you.
- Oh, no, Abe, no.
- Just so we can get beyond it.
I really don't think that's necessary.
- You haven't seen it.
- I sleep very deeply.
Really, don't even think about me.
Okay.
I'll try not to.
(SLURPS LOUDLY) ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Ladies, Chef Seymour Silver invites you to join him in the trailside lounge at 2:15 for a garniture demonstration.
That's 2:15 in the trailside lounge.
You know, he hypnotized her at the mesmerism show last year, and to this day, she still clucks like a chicken - when you clap your hands.
- No.
- (MIDGE LAUGHS) - All that clucking at orientation, that was Lottie Friedman.
I'll give her this, she clucks on the beat.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, you see Saul over there? - ROSE: Oh, dear.
- EDIE: You know, his wife died.
Yes, a tragedy.
Well, she's not dead three months when he turns around and marries her kid sister.
Joanie? But the man is still on the prowl; look at him.
At the "End of Summer" soirée last year, he danced with Leah Bernstein.
And when he pressed up against her, she could feel his excitement.
Oh, kind of wishing you hadn't said that.
It may have been a pocketknife.
(CHUCKLES): Yes, a pocketknife! Well, I'll see you two tonight.
My God, you look like sisters.
- If only.
See you tonight, Edie.
- Bye, Edie.
Let's get you to the dryers, ladies.
Mama, thanks for letting Joel stay with us for a few nights.
He got stuck, and I want him to see the kids.
Oh, it was fine.
I'll get you some lemonade.
It was very nice what he did at the orientation.
Surprisingly manly.
Let's hope it stops all this silliness.
From your lips.
Relationships should be private.
- Don't you think? - Amen.
So, are you dating? - What? - Are you dating? What's your dating life? I know nothing.
I guess my dating life doesn't get to be private.
You're just out late so often, what else would it be? Well, as a matter of fact, yes, I am dating a little bit.
Anyone I know? Anyone from the neighborhood? No, I'm kind of just getting around.
I mean, not "getting around.
" It's just that I'm not being geographically snobby.
- You know? - I guess.
I'm kind of hitting all five boroughs.
Well, that doesn't seem right.
Don't your friends have anyone to set you up with? - Nope.
- Not even that little blonde thing that talks all high and chirpy? Imogene.
Nope, all her friends are Gentiles.
Oh.
Well, tell me about these Jewish men you're seeing, like that man that gave you the fur coat.
- Fur coat? - You wore it to synagogue last year.
- What is he, a furrier? - No, a trapper.
But it was a short-lived thing.
He was a little Paul Bunyan for my taste.
- You dated a trapper? - And a cab driver.
- You didn't.
- And a carny.
I actually met the carny, oddly enough, because the date with the cab driver was so awful I told him to let me out of the car, and we were in Coney Island, and I got out, and there was the carny.
- My God.
- So he and I had a drink.
And it was nice.
And he introduced me to his sister, Koo Koo the Bird Girl, but I thought, "Where could this go?" Koo Koo was nice, but I don't want to end up living in a circus tent.
- Is this a joke? - It's the truth.
Are you intimate with any of these men? Oh, no, it hasn't gotten that far.
- But, Miriam, when - Mm, sorry, Mama.
If I don't start now, my hair will never dry, and I'll be late picking up Esther from the sitter.
Pick it up, Goldie.
I'm glad we talked, though.
It's been weighing on me.
- Okay, but I'm gonna keep on the lookout for you.
Okay? - (DRYER WHIRRING) - What? - (LOUDER): I'm gonna be on the lookout for a man.
Fine.
The way you hold your knife The way we danced till 3:00 The way you changed my life No, no, they can't take that away from me No, they can't take that away What are you doing, Papa? Yes, Abe, please tell me you didn't bring homework.
This is my Catskills alcohol-consumption index.
I drink more up here, but I've devised a system to keep from getting tipsy.
Takes into account food consumption, time frame, total alcohol intake.
Here, verify this for me.
Drink number one: a Napoleon, 7:30.
Napoleon reported for duty at 7:30.
Check.
Drink number two: a Tom Collins, 8:15.
Tom Collins made the list at 8:15.
Now it's 9:15, and I'm just finishing my gin rickey with absolutely no sign of "abbleebliation.
" I'm sorry.
No sign of what? "Abeebalation.
" Why is that so hard to say? Because you are totally "abeebalated.
" Can't take that away From me.
(APPLAUSE) Ken Washington and his Swinging Lamplighters, everybody.
Making their ninth annual appearance - at Steiner Mountain Resort.
- (APPLAUSE) Hope everybody enjoyed the sheet cake for dessert.
I know I did.
I didn't think it tasted like sheet at all.
- (LAUGHTER) - So corny.
- And how.
- (LAUGHING): That's hysterical.
So, now put on your dancing shoes and get ready to swing with Ken and the band.
Ken, what do you say, daddio? Do what you do so well.
(CHEERING) (WHISTLE BLOWING) Hold it.
Hey, hold it.
Ken starts playing and folks start dancing? (CHUCKLES): It's too easy, no? No, tradition calls for having a little fun with the first dance, right, everybody? - Dance challenge.
- Dance challenge.
- Get up, get up, get up.
- BUZZ: That's right.
It's time for a dance challenge.
And here is your CHALLENGE: you don't dance unless you find a partner that has - wait for it - (WOMAN LAUGHS) wait for it - wait for it - ABE: Tell us already, farty! (QUIET LAUGHTER) Uh, here it is: your dance partner must have first and last initials that match your own.
- Otherwise, you don't dance.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMING) An "Initial Dance.
" - BUZZ: Are you ready? - Yes! - Then let the Initial Dance begin! - (LIVELY DANCE MUSIC BEGINS) - Ooh, M.
M.
- M.
M.
- Marvin Mueller.
- No, Mitzi Mossberg has already grabbed him.
Ooh, damn.
Who else, who else? Menashe Morgenstein.
Where's he? - Oh, on a kibbutz.
- Fucker.
- Dance with Sheldon Babiatz.
- No, not the concept, Papa.
Shoot, they're going fast.
Ooh, Marty Micklestein, 12 o'clock.
His name's not Marty, it's Buddy.
No, his name's Marty, but everybody calls him Buddy.
That's why he's still available.
Go, go! Damn you, Molly Mencher.
Ah! Michael Mussbaum, right? - It's Nussbaum.
- (GROANS) Morty Mermelstein.
- Oh, excuse me.
Coming through.
- (WOMAN LAUGHS) Ah! Sorry, Malca.
Okay, Morty, let's see what you got.
BUZZ: Gorgeous, everybody.
Now let's mix it up a little.
Guys, cut in and dance with the beauty of your choice.
It was a pleasure, Morty.
- Whoa! Too close? - (GRUNTS) Uh, any closer, I'd be on the other side of you.
Yeah.
So, did you hear I married Aunt Joan? My kids call her Aunt Joan.
I just call her Joan.
- Mazel tov, Saul.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, Feivish.
- What's wrong? - Do you know Marnie? The cutie from Canarsie? Sure.
She won't even look at me no matter what I do.
- And what are you doing? - Nothing.
Oh, Feivish.
What am I gonna do with you? Talk to her? Be the go-between? It's a big mitzvah to make a shidduch.
- Let me see what I can do.
- Thanks, Miriam.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) - (SQUEALS) - Oh, look at you.
- You're a dervish.
- Mr.
Fuchtwanger.
Back for another go-around at Steiner, huh? What's the Steiner Daily Newsletter without its resident gossip columnist? - Mm.
- You ready? Blind item.
- Hit me with it.
- What doyenne of Brooklyn Heights still bears the scars of recent breast augmentation? - No idea.
- Nellie Abromowitz.
It was a blind item.
You weren't supposed to say.
I'm such a bitch! Oh, been there, done that.
Sorry, Morty.
Ooh, Marnie, you know Feivish Feldstein, right? - A little.
- He likes you, a lot.
- He never looks at me.
- He's young and shy and a little stupid, but he's sweet, and he's pining for you, and right now he's propped against a pillar pretending not to stare at you.
- Give him a shot? - Here goes nothing.
- (LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER) - (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) (WOMEN WHOOPING) Ooh, kiddo, your palms really do get wet.
Could you do me a favor, Mrs.
Maisel? Could you put in a good word for me with your father? - I'll do what I can, Samuel.
- Just tell him that the scuff on his suitcase was there before I picked it up, I swear.
- I will.
- I checked it against the miniatures.
- I'll do what I can.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Ooh, that makes me sound old.
- Ooh, some pocketknife.
- Just heard you'd been banned from the swimsuit pageant, Miriam.
Word travels fast.
Golly, I'm gonna miss seeing you in your bikini.
Time to go back to Aunt Joan, Saul.
(MUSIC ENDS) - Oh.
- Hi.
- Well, hello there.
- (SLOW DANCE MUSIC BEGINS) Thought we'd confuse the hell out of everybody.
Let's do it.
I stand at your gate And the song that I sing is of moonlight I stand and I wait For the touch of your hand In the June night The roses are sighing A moonlight serenade ABE (SLURRING): He always sings Raggedy music to the cattle as he swings I'm in no condition to drive.
(CHUCKLES) Luckily, you don't have to drive tonight, Abe.
The state of New York will thank us for that.
Back and forward in the saddle on his horse - A pretty good horse - (WHISPERS): Thanks, Midge.
With syncopated gait - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (BIRDS CALLING) (DOOR CLOSES) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) ("CHICKEN FAT" BY ROBERT PRESTON PLAYING) Touch down every morning, ten times Not just now and then Give that chicken fat back to the chicken And don't be chicken again No, don't be chicken again Ready - Touch down, up, down - Touch down every morning - Ten times, hut, four - Not just now and then - Hut, five, hut - Give that chicken fat - Six, hut - Back to the chicken - Seven, hut, eight - And don't be chicken again - Hut, nine, hut - No, don't be chicken a Beautiful girl You're a lovely picture Beautiful girl You're a gorgeous mixture Of all that lies Under the big, blue skies My heart cries Beautiful girl You're a dazzling eyeful It's a competitive field this year, people.
Every bathing beauty before you is a potential winner, but only one walks away with the $25 prize.
Each husband as proud as the next.
Each contestant beautifully representing Steiner Resort.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) And this year, the winner of the Mrs.
Steiner Swimsuit Pageant is - Talia Goldstein.
- (CROWD CHEERING) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Beautiful girl.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Wrong girl.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Don't forget, the Miss Ingénue Pageant happens at 3:00.
When we say the scenery's lovely here, we're not kidding.
(CHUCKLES) - See you then.
- (APPLAUSE) A bunch of us are gonna sunbathe, Miriam.
Want to join? Sure.
Just let me grab my magazines.
I left 'em all in the car.
- See you in a bit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hi, Frieda.
Nice to see you.
- Hey, Midge.
- Susie? - What the fuck are you wearing? What the hell are you doing here? My question first.
It's my Mamie Van Doren.
You constantly astonish me.
I repeat, what are you doing here? Well, my star/only client decides to go off and spend the fucking summer up in the land of canoes and knishes, and I couldn't just let things stop, so I came up to look for a gig for you up here on the off chance (GRUNTS) (COUGHS) I ate a bug.
- Happens a lot.
- Ugh! It's in my throat.
It's still moving.
Susie, I can't play gigs up here, okay? Everybody knows me.
(COUGHS) Don't worry, there's hundreds of places up here.
A lot of them are shit, but some of them have pretty good rooms; that's what I'm aiming for.
But how would I do this? I'm here on vacation.
(RASPS) You'll slip out, just like you've been doing for most of the year no big deal.
Oh.
Well you got any leads? (SIGHS) Friends at the Stage Deli are lending a hand.
It's not easy breaking through, but I'm trying.
- What is that? - Ah.
It's my ticket in, sister.
My magic pass to this godforsaken place.
- How so? - All I have to do is walk around holding this thing, everyone thinks I work here.
- It's genius.
- But how will you eat? - Where are you staying? - Let me worry about that.
You just wait for my call.
Be ready.
- I'll be ready.
- And if I don't book you, at the very least, I'll have made Ugh! Shit! I ate another bug.
- Go get something to drink.
- Ah! It's mating with the other one.
- Really, a little bit of water.
- God, I hate nature.
- (DRYERS WHIRRING) - IDA: They never found the body.
EDIE: They did too find Glenn Miller's body.
- IDA: No! - Yeah! He was still holding his trombone.
(CONVERSATION CONTINUES QUIETLY) IDA: Did you see that Tony Curtis said that kissing Marilyn Monroe was like kissing Hitler? Kissing Hitler? How would Tony Curtis know what kissing Hitler was like? I don't know.
He said it, not me.
He had such thin lips.
- Tony Curtis? - Adolf Hitler.
His lips were almost nonexistent.
Maybe that's why he was so angry, do you think? I don't like thinking about that man; he was awful.
Speaking of awful, did you see Gladys has a hair appointment on Tuesday? But her husband's a weekender.
He won't be here till Friday.
Oh? Who's she getting all dolled up for if not for him? She's been playing an awful lot of tennis lately.
- The tennis pro? - You said it, not me.
I'm getting tired of people hopping around from bed to bed.
Tony Curtis, Gladys Lipschitz.
Stay in one place.
It's exhausting.
Oh, please.
If my son would just stay with a girl for more than two dates, I'd plotz.
- Benjamin? - No one is good enough for him.
Lovely girls from good families.
They cook.
They're sweet as pie.
They don't laugh too loud or talk too loud.
"They're too normal," he says.
"They're boring.
" Boring? What's that? All my friends have grandchildren, and here I am with nothing on the horizon.
And he's such a catch.
A doctor, handsome.
He's so handsome.
But he says he wants someone interesting, someone unique get this, someone weird.
Weird! I've got the perfect girl for him.
Mink is the ultimate way for your husband to say, "I love you.
" It's the most popular fur and will last for years.
Very durable.
Raccoon fur is similar to mink in that it's durable, and the color scheme is unique and stands out in a crowd.
Note this, ladies: it is better to buy a luxurious raccoon than a poor-quality mink.
Now, let's talk about coordinating muffs.
Your grandmother called them "mufflers," but, ladies, this is not your grandmother's muff.
(WOMEN LAUGHING QUIETLY) - (WORKERS CHATTERING) - (DISHES CLINKING) - Hey! - Yeah? Don't be picking off my plates.
Employee mess is around the corner.
- Grab what you want.
- Thanks.
(LIVELY CHATTER NEARBY) (DOOR CREAKS) (WOMEN LAUGHING, CHATTERING) (CHATTER STOPS) You in plumbing? - Uh, yeah.
- Need a bunk? - Yes, I do.
- That one's free.
- Huh? - Yeah.
Long day? Uh, plunged my ass off.
(BIRDS CALLING) (BIRDS CHIRPING) Okay, well, I thought spotting that rose-breasted grosbeak would be the highlight of our day, but I was wrong.
That's the Bicknell thrush.
And, folks, this is a rare opportunity to hear its beautiful morning song.
Let's listen.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (QUIETLY): He's an accomplished surgeon.
Lenox Hill.
First in his class at Johns Hopkins.
Had his choice of residencies at any hospital he chose.
He's already invented new surgical techniques that have become the worldwide standard, which is a remarkable feat for such a young man.
He's widely published in medical journals.
Now, I know he sounds a little oddball on the surface, but he's just eclectic.
That's often a symbol of accomplishment.
John Quincy Adams kept an alligator as a pet.
And Benjamin Franklin took naked air baths.
Did you know that? I wonder if Ida's son was named after him.
Oh, that's his name, Benjamin.
Do you like the name Benjamin? He's never rented.
He originally lived in Sutton Place had a beautiful view of the bridge.
But as close as it was to his practice, he still found it to be too far.
His patients are everything to him, so he sold the place at a loss.
Can you imagine that? He bought a duplex just a block from the hospital.
It has views, but not of the bridge.
So they went out about two hours ago? Yes, they do this every day.
They swim, they leave all their stuff.
This is my sister's purse.
She doesn't go anywhere without her purse.
Look, they could've swum to another spot on the lake and are taking their time to walk back.
- Not without telling me.
- Or Kyle, get to the office, find Pauly, and fill him in.
- We need boats on the water.
Go! - On it! Tell them to call every resort on the lake within a five-mile radius! This is a red flag alert.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (PEOPLE MURMURING) He loves the opera.
I know, I know, you're not the biggest opera fan.
But the spectacle alone is entertaining, so you should give it a chance.
The sets are sensational.
And, yes, sopranos can be very annoying, but the orchestra is wonderful.
He loves Puccini.
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Red flag alert.
- I repeat, red flag alert.
- (ALARM WAILING IN DISTANCE) Joel you saw me in my romper, didn't you? Yeah.
BENJAMIN: Fifteen two, fifteen four, fifteen six and a pair is eight.
Not your lucky day, Golda.
- Benjamin, right? - I'm sorry? - Ida's son? - That's the rumor.
- Get up.
- What? We are going to do something together.
The sooner the better.
Get up.
- I'm a million steps behind.
- I'm Miriam Maisel.
You say that like I should know it.
Most people do know me here.
Eight swimsuit sashes? Top-seeded badminton champ? 22 straight years in the Steiner Fire Safety Captain's Club? - Nothing? - I'm just trying not to laugh here.
What's going on is not funny.
Now, we have to do something together to satisfy my mother's insatiable desire for us to meet before I tie her to a concrete post and throw her in the lake.
Is she dead before you tie her to the post, or do you tie her to the post alive and dump her in like that? - She's alive.
- There'll be screaming.
Not with the gag in her mouth.
- You've thought this through.
- Stand.
Start walking.
I'll admit my mother's mentioned you.
Our mothers have been scheming to set us up for days, and it will not stop until they see us doing something together.
So we'll do something, tell them we gave it a shot, nothing came of it, and I can get back to my life.
- And you want to do it now? - Right now.
You're not missing a meeting of the Steiner Fire Safety Corporal Club? Captain, captain.
And we don't meet till Thursday.
- It's raining.
- It'll pass.
- If it doesn't? - We melt.
Okay.
I'm convinced.
What do we do? - Boating? Really? - Yes.
Yes.
Let me guess, you're a charter member of the Aquatic Maritime Gunwale Anchor Schooner Society - nine years running.
- It's what we're doing.
BENJAMIN: I'm not a big fan of water.
But I like the public nature of it.
It's private, yet on display.
- Everyone will see us.
- Can't argue with logic.
My new friend Benjamin and I would like a boat, please.
You got it.
No standing, no rocking, no rowing past the buoys.
Thank you, Josh.
Yes, thank you, Josh.
(MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) One, two, three.
Happy boating! Be safe.
Perfect.
Everyone's already watching us.
Even with the pétanque championships going on, we're still a pull.
- Well? - Yes? - Are you going to row? - No.
Are you? - No.
The boy rows.
- I don't row.
What do you mean, you don't row? Everybody rows.
- Then go ahead and row.
- The boy rows.
- Not this boy.
- Pick up that oar.
It was your idea to get into a rowboat.
- Pick up that oar.
- Really? That tone? I might as well be rowing with my mother.
Well, you could've suggested something else.
I'm just going along for the ride here.
I was perfectly happy playing cribbage with the bubbes.
- (LAUGHTER) - (BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC) It's getting sillier.
- What is that? - The Steiner Daily Newsletter.
But we've got to at least look like we're talking.
- We are talking.
- You're reading.
I am trying to stay informed, and I am loving this new font.
Well, read something and I'll pretend that I'm enjoying it.
"Arthur Rossman would like to thank all the fellow guests who consoled him on the death of his beloved dog Mogul.
" (LAUGHS) You are sick.
Well, read something light that I can laugh at.
"There will be a twilight gathering of Holocaust survivors tonight in " Just shut up.
This is going very well.
You're supposed to row.
- I know.
- I don't row.
That's why you didn't get very far.
- I know.
- She never asked if I could row.
Well, Benjamin, thank you for the very, very little you did to get my mother off my back.
- Don't mention it.
- Are you getting out? I'm quite comfortable here, actually.
SAMUEL: I think the angle's fine, sir.
ABE: Almost, but not quite.
Rotate it five degrees counterclockwise.
- Yes, sir.
- ROSE: What's that, Abe? My new drinking index.
I blew some of the timelines before, but this one is going to work.
So ten degrees is five degrees in your world? What world do you live in, Jimmy? SAMUEL: But if it's close enough, I can always help you reposition it anytime during the fireworks.
(SIGHS) And miss which fireworks while we're doing that? The crackly dragon eggs? The-the weeping willows? The gorgeous crescendo of chrysanthemums? - Which ones? - I'm sorry, I'll get it right.
- With my help, you'll get it right.
- Hello, Joel.
Oh, hey.
You joining us? Got a spot on the blanket.
Nah, I'm a little tired.
Probably just gonna turn in.
- Your new room working out? - Yeah, it's great.
Again, thanks for letting me stay like that, Rose.
- It was really nice.
- No problem.
Good night.
ABE: Fold it up.
Let's just start over.
We'll start over.
Get another blanket.
All right.
So, I saw you two from the shore.
Who? Me and Benjamin? - What happened? - I did what I could.
I mean, why in the world wouldn't he pick up a damn oar? He just refused.
- So rude.
- So rude.
I must say, I was unimpressed.
- How could you not be? - Oof.
ABE: Ah, forget it.
- (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (BIRDS CALLING) (LAUGHTER, CHATTER) - Papa? - Yes? You're snockered.
- I'm fine.
- No, Abe, you're drunk.
Your calculations were off again.
(SLURRING): Give me another pickle.
The brine in the pickle counteracts the alcohol.
You've had ten pickles, Abe.
Your pickles aren't working.
- (LAUGHS) - Why are you laughing? 'Cause it's funny.
I'm having my lawyer contact the chief counsel at Claussen Pickles.
There will be a lawsuit.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Are you both laughing? - No.
That should be not laughing.
- (FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING) - (CROWD GASPING) Oh, Abe, you're missing the fireworks.
Oh, just describe them to me.
MIDGE: Well, there was, like, a big display of flowers, multicolored, and they danced across the sky.
Ah, that's a chrysanthemum.
I love the chrysanthemums.
(BOTH LAUGH) And now there's another sparkly thing going off.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Oh.
Oh (FIREWORKS CONTINUE) Send me photographs and souvenirs Just remember When a dream appears You belong to me I'll be So alone without (FIREWORKS CONTINUE) BENJAMIN: Got a light? Sure.
Thanks.
Not in a sociable mood tonight, huh? - Guess not.
- Me, neither.
I've never really understood fireworks.
We used to love them.
I mean, I did.
Now they're just - Lights in the sky.
- Lights in the sky.
You think What? You think we're ever really forgiven for the mistakes we've made? Who do you want doing the forgiving? God? People.
People never forgive.
Not in my experience.
They say they do, but they don't.
I'm not even sure forgiveness really matters.
Why wouldn't it matter? Well, what is it, forgiveness? It doesn't mean anything.
I mean, you still did what you did, right? Nothing's changed.
Forgiveness is a mindset.
Synapses in your brain telling you to think differently about something that's already happened.
It's amorphous.
It's not really there.
And if it's not really there, what is it? God, I hope that's not true.
Every day, I feel like I'm getting kicked in the head a little.
I know I deserve it, but I sure would like it to end someday.
Just do what I do, stay away from people.
If you're not around them, there are no mistakes to be made.
That's not the answer.
You know that.
You need people.
To bum a light.
That's about it, though.
Nah.
You'll change your mind someday.
Just wait.
You'll see.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISTANCE) (FIREWORKS CONTINUE) ("ROCK THE BOAT" BY THE HUES CORPORATION PLAYING) So I'd like to know where you got the notion Said I'd like to know where you got the notion - To rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over - Rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby Rock the boat Ever since our voyage of love began Your touch has thrilled me like the rush of the wind And your arms have held me safe from a rolling sea There's always been a quiet place to harbor you and me Our love is like a ship on the ocean We've been sailing with a cargo Full of love and devotion So I'd like to know where you got the notion Said I'd like to know where you got the notion So I'd like to know where you got the notion Said I'd like to know where you got the notion - To rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over - Rock the boat - Don't rock the boat, baby - Rock the boat - Don't tip the boat over - Rock the boat - Ooh-hoo-hoo - Rock the boat - Rock on with your bad self Rock the boat Rock on with your bad self - Rock the boat - Rock on with your bad self Rock the boat, rock the boat Rock the boat Rock the boat, rock the boat.