The Mighty Boosh (2003) s02e04 Episode Script
Fountain of Youth
Psst! I am so glad you are here.
We have precious little time.
I need you to perform a task of unimaginable danger.
I believe you are the only man who can do it.
Do you accept? -What are the hours? -It will take the rest of your life and beyond.
All right, I haven't got much on.
Take this.
It is a sacred amulet.
If that falls into the hands of our enemies, this planet will be doomed.
You must take it away and hide it.
-Who are you anyway? -It is I, the King.
Cool.
I'll just nip home and get a couple of bits.
No, we have no time.
You must go far away to a planet called Earth.
How will I get there? Press the button in the amulet, it will take you there.
-Cheers, King.
I'll never forget you.
-And I will never forget you, Banoo.
-It's Naboo, actually.
-What? I came as quickly as I could.
My liege.
I have trained for over 30 years for this task.
I'm the fittest, the strongest, the fastest warrior in all the land.
With me the amulet will be safe.
I am your humble servant, Banoo.
Shit! Come with us now on a journey through time and space to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
The Mighty Boosh Come with us to the Mighty Boosh The Mighty Boosh Come with us to the Mighty Boosh -Cup of tea? -What's the point? Come on, we've had worse gigs than that, you know.
Just a tough crowd.
You heard what they were saying, ''Why did you bring your dad on stage?'' They could've been talking about the soundman.
They were talking about me and you know it.
''Who's that? Your science teacher?'' Well, you've always been more mature than me, you know.
-We're the same age! -I know.
It was always like that, even at school.
(WHISPERING) Hey, Vince, I don't know what I'm doing.
Cheers.
-Oi, Vince, is that your dad? -No! -We're the same age! -Come on, Howard, let's get out of here.
I've always been big-boned.
Exactly.
People love that about you, you know.
You know what people call you? -What? -The Buffalo man.
What's a big old buffalo doing trying to make it in a band? It's a young man's game.
I've already got four crow's-feet.
-Maybe I should get a face-lift.
-Well, that is an option.
It's a drastic one, though.
There's other things you could do first.
-Like what? -Well, I mean your outfit.
What's going on there? -This is my look.
A good look, a strong look.
-Yeah, for Magnum, p.
i.
maybe.
Hawaiian shorts? Yeah.
My legs are my best feature.
I've been told they're slim and youthful.
They're not going to get you on the cover of NME though, are they? Don't be knocking the pegs, okay? These babies have turned heads in their time.
Look, Howard, I think you're going to have to learn to accessorise.
-What? -Well, you know, gloves, belts, badges.
You can really breathe new life into an outfit.
I don't accessorise.
I'm Howard Moon.
There's a simple truth to me.
I don't have to adorn myself in trinkets.
Whatever.
Time is calling out my name Howard Playing the final rules of this game Chess All my hopes and dreams have turned to dust The armour of my youth gone to rust -What's up with him? -He's having an age crisis.
-Well, it is all about youth these days.
-I know.
How old are you? -Real age or press age? -Real age.
I am 40.
But because I am DJ, I say 29.
Nice.
-What about Naboo? -He 406.
-No way! He looks about 1 2.
-Yeah.
What's his secret? Oil of Ulay I bet.
-He has different secret.
-Oh, yeah? Yeah, he has access to Fountain of Youth.
-He must have hidden it somewhere.
-Imagine if we find it, it will be genius.
-Our old brains encased in tight youthful faces.
-Where is it? -I've got something.
There's a map here.
-I'll take that.
-I'm the cartographer around here.
-I found it.
There's something for you.
That's more your style, isn't it? -Nice and shiny.
-Cool.
''To find the Fountain of Youth you must first reach the Desert of Nightmares.
'' -What did you say? -If only we could find the Desert of Nightmares.
Check this out.
Do you think Naboo will mind us borrowing this for a while? -No.
-Come on.
-Let's get ourselves some youth juice.
-Yeah.
-I don't believe it.
We've gone round in circles.
-I've read about this.
If you're walking in the desert and there's no landmarks and you've got one leg shorter than the other, you just go round in circles.
-What are you saying about my legs? -I'm not saying anything about your legs.
You're always having a poke at my legs, aren't you? I'm not talking about your.
Well, they are quite funny.
There's nothing funny about my legs.
-They're like hosepipes propping up a beanbag.
-That's my look, okay? You're just jealous.
You only dream of having legs like mine.
Willowy and sleek like the antelope.
(CHUCKLING) Whatever.
Tell you, this Factor 3000 is genius.
It's tested out on Goths and albinos.
It's part of the Edgar Winter range.
Yeah, well, give me some.
-There's none left.
-Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, great.
I'm going to burn up.
You'll be all right.
You look good with a tan, you know.
I need to be pale.
It's part of my look.
I'm the Shoreditch vampire.
I've got sensitive skin, okay.
Do you remember why we came here? I've got four crow's-feet as it is.
-Five, actually.
-What do you mean? -I've just seen one appear under your eye.
-Don't be joking now.
-There's another one.
-Stop it! -Six.
-Shut up! -Seven.
-Stop it.
-They're coming thick and fast.
-This isn't funny, okay? Halt! What brings you to the Desert of Nightmares? -Actually, we're looking for the Fountain of Youth.
-We're just passing through.
Ah! Many a vain man has come searching for the Fountain of Youth.
And many a vain man has been killed.
-Why? -Because I have killed them.
-Yeah, right.
You and whose army? -Me and my army.
Kashungo! Check us out! I don't believe this.
They've been going through my stuff again.
Probably looking for Fountain of Youth.
Really? And why would they be looking for that, Bollo? -I don't know.
-Have you been yapping off again? Bollo need to go now.
They've taken the amulet.
We've got to go and find them.
Where they go? To a place far, far away.
A place where I was born.
-Streatham? -No, the planet Xooberon, you jerk off.
Oh, Xooberon.
Oh, yeah.
(HUSHED CONVERSATION) We have reached a verdict.
You shall be buried up to your necks in sand.
Left in the midday sun to be cooked alive.
Have you anything to say? -Have you got the amulet? -Yeah, shall we get out of here? -One minute.
-What are you doing? -Yeah, I've got something to say, actually.
-Oh, really? Yeah, I was just wondering why you were doing all this sort of stuff.
Is it now, and I'm going out on a limb here, because you're a little bit short? I'm not short, am I? See.
I'm a big 'un.
Come on, they're just kneeling down to make you look taller.
-I am taller than most things.
-Like what? Chairs.
Beach balls.
Women on their sides.
You're technically a midget.
I'm sorry to break it to you.
I am four foot six without shoeses.
With the hat, maybe.
Is that why you wear it? To give you a little boost? This is all me.
Who looks foolish now? You, you blue berk.
What's that comb-over all about? That's not disguising the size of your head, you know.
Oh, I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life.
-What with? Your forehead? -Zantar! Press it now.
Press it now, Vince! -It's not working.
-What do you mean it's not working? -I think the batteries have run out.
-What do you mean? -The batteries are dead.
-What batteries? (GRUNTING) Yes, good, Zantar.
There'll be snacks for you later.
Zantar.
A little on the short side but he packs a wallop.
Behold! He has the amulet.
All hail our new leader.
(CHANTING) Yeah, right.
You didn't quite realise who you were messing with, did you? You don't have the amulet.
-Can't you get any closer? -I'm trying, boss.
-Oh, it's not crashed again, has it? -No, the mouse is stuck.
Zoom in on that bird with the big hair.
Right click, right click.
Zoom.
Halle-bleeding-lujah.
I knew it, boy.
I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning when I woke up.
At first I thought it was the crabsticks, but now it all makes sense.
The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the universe.
With an army of green bitches marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake.
I love you, boss.
-Shut up and put the tea on.
-All right.
How about some malt loaf? -Yeah, I'll have a slice.
-Right.
Apples and pears and various other fruit.
VINCE: Yeah, so basically, I backcomb it.
I rarely wash it.
It just stays like this all day.
Bravissimo! Remarkable! -Could you sign this for my wife? -Yeah.
Make it out to Alan.
Can I have some space? I'm getting a bit claustra.
Give our master some space, you pig dogs.
Can I get you anything else, my little plum dumpling? Well, I am quite thirsty.
Slave! Water! Now! -Nice shorts.
-I'm not happy about this, you know.
How dare you speak in the presence of the Chosen One! Chosen One? -I've already told you.
-Will you stop doing that? You're not listening.
Shall I kill him? Erm no, don't kill him.
Let me have a word with him in private.
Everyone out, you little dick bags.
I can stay, of course, because I'm the favourite of the Chosen One.
-Oh, my dear sweet gorgeous lord.
-What you doing? Oh, I've crossed the line.
Forgive me.
I shall cut off my hand.
Oh, this is bad! God! No! God, it hurts so good.
Listen, we've got to get out of here and get some batteries for that amulet.
Where are we going to get those from? The local Dixons? I don't know where to get them from but we can't get home without them.
-What's the rush? -What do you mean, what's the rush? -We're being held captive by a violent dwarf.
-I'm not.
Look, you remember why we came here, yeah? To find the Fountain of Youth.
Yeah, but that was before.
-Before what? -Before I found out I was the Chosen One.
Vince, you've gone wrong.
-I've always felt like I might be the Chosen One.
-What? Do you believe in fate, Howard? I mean, I was wearing the amulet.
Well, maybe I should wear that amulet for a little bit, yeah? You don't accessorise.
There's a simple truth to you.
-You bitch.
Give me that amulet.
-Guards.
-What shall we do with him? -Just get him out of my sight.
Very well, cupcake.
Shooting star, look at you Shooting star, you're a beautiful ball of light Shooting star Get out of the way I can't see nothin' You're all in my periferins You're in my periferins visual I cannot, how can I concentrate? You're all over like a bluebottle Getting in Getting in all about the place Flipping idiot.
Sandstorm! Sandstorm! Sandstorm! Sandstorm! Storm of sand.
Sandstorm.
Can you keep it down a bit? I'm trying to straighten my hair.
Run for your lives.
What's happening? Where's everyone going? -This is your first test.
-What test? It is written that the Chosen One must destroy the evil sand beast that has cursed our tribe for hundreds of tens of years.
Unless, perhaps, you are not the Chosen One.
No, no, he is the Chosen One.
Good luck.
Good luck, my lovely lady lumps.
Bye.
-I am Sandstorm.
-I'm Vince.
Pleased to meet you.
Ow! Feel the power of my grade 4 glasspaper palms.
Na, na! That hurt, you bumbaclot.
That's just the beginning.
I plan to sand you down to a pulp, cowboy.
-Why? -What? I am Sandstorm.
-Yeah? So what? -Stop the talk, prepare for a chaffing.
-There's something wrong with you.
-No, there isn't.
-You're all angry.
-Yes, I am angry.
You've got no charm or charisma.
There's nothing to you.
You're just violence in a tool belt.
-Who are you to judge me? I am frustrated.
-Why? Because I cannot love.
It's a living hell for me.
-What is? -My life.
-I'm made from sandpaper.
-Yeah, I'm getting that.
I can't touch anything.
If I do, I wear it down.
I plane surfaces without realising it.
I cannot even touch myself.
I'm having a bit of a shocker.
Hmm.
-Well, have you thought about accessorising? -What? Well, you know, what about some gloves? -Gloves? What is gloves? -Take these.
-They go over your hands.
-Oh.
Ah! Hand sheaths.
Never before have I felt the soft contours of my face.
Never have I lightly caressed the angular frame that is my torso.
Oh, this is great.
Now I can love myself.
(RUSTLING) Oh, my.
Oh, love, love.
Love, love.
Oh, love, love.
(MOANING) Can I keep these? -Yeah.
-Oh, thank you.
-No one's ever given me a gift before.
-That's fine.
If ever you need help, general DIY or.
I'm very good with coving.
Simply blow this horn and I shall repay your kindness.
Bye.
See you later.
Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, Mars, Venus, George, Gracie.
That is the list of my best friends in order.
Order of preference.
I love the Chosen One Loving him is lots of fun We love the Chosen One Not as much as me I love him with my heart I love him with my body parts We love the Chosen One Everybody shush! There, it is decided.
I love the Chosen One most.
And in appreciation of your killing the evil sand beast, I present you with this gift.
Wow, thanks a lot.
-Cheers.
-It took me ages to wrap.
Have you got anything else? I do like gifts.
Oh, yes.
Pepo! Ow! -Pepo, come over here.
-All right, Pepo? Pepo is the greatest artist our race has ever produced.
He has been watching you ever since you arrived.
I hope you don't mind, but I think this is the best piece of work I've ever done.
That is cool.
It must have taken you ages.
It's so perfect.
-I mean, the fringe is a bit short.
-Forgive me, my lord.
I just meant you could probably redo the fringe.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Music.
I love the Chosen One Loving him is fun, fun, fun I love the Chosen One Not as much as me I love the Chosen One Loving him is so much fun We love the Chosen One Not as much as me.
Why do you not join in the festivities? -It's not really my scene.
-Nor mine.
He is not the chosen one.
-What do you mean? -You are.
Am I? I mean, I am but.
How did you know that? I've been watching you in your shorts.
You are a powerful man with slim handsome legs.
-You noticed? -How could I fail to? Such legs.
I know why you are here.
You seek the Fountain of Youth.
How do you know that? I also know your so-called friend Vince plans to ditch you and get it himself, and form a band with younger people.
-What? -Yes, he's drunk on power.
But I see something special in your eyes, Howard.
-You should have the amulet.
-Yes.
How? -You are his personal slave, are you not? -More of a valet, but yes.
-You fold his clothes, peel his grapes.
-Yeah.
Wash his balls.
I draw the line at that, but I do deal with some of his more personal business.
-And you have access to his tent? -I do.
(WHISPERING) -I can't hear that.
-Oh, sorry.
Basically, you go into his tent when he is asleep, you open the flap, you steal the amulet.
Psst.
Oh, hi.
-You have the amulet? -Yeah, yeah, he was sleeping like a baby.
-Never mind, give me the amulet.
-Oh, yeah.
Maybe when this whole thing is over we could go out for meal.
Do you like Chinese food? I don't think so, squire.
Italian? Where am I? What's happening? Someone stole the amulet last night while I was asleep.
Oh.
Who would do something like that? Silence! You have lost the amulet.
Our most valuable of jewels.
And now you must pay the price.
By midday you will be two burning balls of fire.
Now make peace with your gods.
I suppose a hat would be out of the question, would it? Shut it.
(SINGING) Perfect.
-Howard, do you think it's going to be all right? -No.
We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
(SIGHING) -We had some good times though, didn't we? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Remember the time we had that soup? That was brilliant.
Soup, soup, a tasty soup Soup, a spicy carrot and coriander A chilli chowder Crouton, crouton Crunchy friends in a liquid broth I am gazpacho, oh I am a summer soup, oh Miso, miso, fighting in the dojo Miso, miso Oriental prince in the land of soup -Oh, classic times.
-Crazy days.
Come on, it'll be all right.
Something will turn up, it always does.
Tell you what, this Edgar Winter sun cream, it's incredible.
I only applied a small amount and I feel like I'm in a cool mountain stream.
How are you bearing up? Yeah, I'm fine.
-Where did you get those sunglasses from? -A passing coyote took pity on me.
He took pity on you, did he? He took a piss on me.
I think in his own simple way, he was probably just trying to cool you down.
Hey, Howard, it's Naboo! -What the hell's been going on here? -Yeah, we got into a spot of bother.
-Where's Howard? -What do you mean? I'm right here.
-What's happened to you? -Why? Have I caught the sun? -You look like jacket potato.
-Oh, no.
Bollo, get him out.
I'm going to start the carpet.
Don't panic, Vince.
I'll have you out in a jiffy.
-What you starting with him for? Dig me out.
-Too late for you.
-Vince precious flower.
-Bollo, have you got anything for my face? Beans or coleslaw? (LAUGHING) Ah, there it is! I can scarcely believe my powerful peeper.
It does exist.
Take a look, Stu.
The Fountain of Youth.
Wow, it look different, boss.
Well, they've done it all up, haven't they? It's all Ikea now, boy.
There it is! The magic H2O comes cascading out of this showerhead.
And when liberally applied to my thin green body, it will restore me to my former glory.
-And beauty, mind.
-Yeah, nice one.
We're getting closer.
It's not too far now.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Yeah, you've always got a bad feeling, haven't you? Shut up, walnut face.
Hey, they're coming, boss.
Hey, how did that happen? Don't you worry about it, boy.
I've got one last trick up my Lambeth sleeve.
Oh, evil tree, go about your wicked foul business.
(CREAKING) I am evil tree.
Aah! Prepare to meet your doom.
Don't anyone panic.
It'll be all right as long as we stick together.
Oh, thanks a lot, Howard.
(EVIL TREE LAUGHING) I've got an idea.
Come here, you little dresser.
You little posh cabinet.
Pop your little drawers out.
Pop out your little drawers.
(HORN BLOWING) Shit.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY) Prepare to meet your doom.
-Sand! -You'd better believe it.
Hold these.
Oh! Prepare to die, tree.
-Wait! Perhaps we are not so different.
-What? -Well, I am made of wood.
-So? -And you are made of sandpaper.
-And? -Paper comes from wood.
-What? If you kill me, you are killing yourself.
Nice try.
(TREE SCREAMING) (WHIRRING) -Wait! -I'm going to smooth you.
Smooth you down.
No! -Wait! A little to the left.
-I am a DIY demon.
I'll be back to varnish you later, you little pine tart.
Thank you.
-See you, Sand.
-Bye, guys.
Who was that wanker? Ooh! Hey! I'm a cockney flower, watch me shower.
Ha ha! I can feel myself getting younger.
Each droplet taking me back to puberty.
(GROWLING) I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney.
-It's too late.
-Not quite.
Oh, it burns! I'm melting.
I'm burning.
No! You've liquefied me, you slags.
Nice work, Naboo.
Cheers.
If only the King was here, he'd be so proud.
Perhaps the King is closer than you think.
-Who's that? -It is I, the King.
-All right, King.
-Naboo.
-Nice hair.
-Thanks.
What do you use? -Root booster.
-Seaweed.
I just leave mine natural.
Howard Moon.
Well done, Naboo.
You have defeated the evil cockney and averted great disaster.
Come, reign with me.
We shall enjoy a full range of lentil-based dishes and listen to folk music every night.
Actually, I've got stuff on.
(WHISPERING) Let's get out of here.
Oh, well.
Fare thee well, Naboo.
I came as quickly as I could.
I heard there was great trouble in the forest.
Have you ever thought of investing in a watch? -What time is it? -It's 4:00.
Shit, I've got to pick up the kids.
What a berk.
I can't believe we went all the way there and didn't even get any youth juice.
-What do you think this is? -No way.
-Shave off a couple of years, eh? -Genius.
Give us a go.
What's it like? -Oh, it's tasty.
-That's enough, that's enough.
-I'm the one that's like a flipping walnut.
-All right, testicle head.
-That better not be what I think it is.
-What if it is? You idiots, you're not supposed to drink it.
(HUMMING SOFTLY) -Is that milk warm, yet? -I can't tell really.
My elbow, too hairy.
-Oh, no! -What? I think Howard's done a little mistake in his pants.
I love the Chosen One I think that he is number one I love the Chosen One Loving him is so much fun I love him in the night I love him with my body tight I love the Chosen One I stick my fingers up his.
That's enough music for tonight.
No more music.
Ow!
We have precious little time.
I need you to perform a task of unimaginable danger.
I believe you are the only man who can do it.
Do you accept? -What are the hours? -It will take the rest of your life and beyond.
All right, I haven't got much on.
Take this.
It is a sacred amulet.
If that falls into the hands of our enemies, this planet will be doomed.
You must take it away and hide it.
-Who are you anyway? -It is I, the King.
Cool.
I'll just nip home and get a couple of bits.
No, we have no time.
You must go far away to a planet called Earth.
How will I get there? Press the button in the amulet, it will take you there.
-Cheers, King.
I'll never forget you.
-And I will never forget you, Banoo.
-It's Naboo, actually.
-What? I came as quickly as I could.
My liege.
I have trained for over 30 years for this task.
I'm the fittest, the strongest, the fastest warrior in all the land.
With me the amulet will be safe.
I am your humble servant, Banoo.
Shit! Come with us now on a journey through time and space to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
The Mighty Boosh Come with us to the Mighty Boosh The Mighty Boosh Come with us to the Mighty Boosh -Cup of tea? -What's the point? Come on, we've had worse gigs than that, you know.
Just a tough crowd.
You heard what they were saying, ''Why did you bring your dad on stage?'' They could've been talking about the soundman.
They were talking about me and you know it.
''Who's that? Your science teacher?'' Well, you've always been more mature than me, you know.
-We're the same age! -I know.
It was always like that, even at school.
(WHISPERING) Hey, Vince, I don't know what I'm doing.
Cheers.
-Oi, Vince, is that your dad? -No! -We're the same age! -Come on, Howard, let's get out of here.
I've always been big-boned.
Exactly.
People love that about you, you know.
You know what people call you? -What? -The Buffalo man.
What's a big old buffalo doing trying to make it in a band? It's a young man's game.
I've already got four crow's-feet.
-Maybe I should get a face-lift.
-Well, that is an option.
It's a drastic one, though.
There's other things you could do first.
-Like what? -Well, I mean your outfit.
What's going on there? -This is my look.
A good look, a strong look.
-Yeah, for Magnum, p.
i.
maybe.
Hawaiian shorts? Yeah.
My legs are my best feature.
I've been told they're slim and youthful.
They're not going to get you on the cover of NME though, are they? Don't be knocking the pegs, okay? These babies have turned heads in their time.
Look, Howard, I think you're going to have to learn to accessorise.
-What? -Well, you know, gloves, belts, badges.
You can really breathe new life into an outfit.
I don't accessorise.
I'm Howard Moon.
There's a simple truth to me.
I don't have to adorn myself in trinkets.
Whatever.
Time is calling out my name Howard Playing the final rules of this game Chess All my hopes and dreams have turned to dust The armour of my youth gone to rust -What's up with him? -He's having an age crisis.
-Well, it is all about youth these days.
-I know.
How old are you? -Real age or press age? -Real age.
I am 40.
But because I am DJ, I say 29.
Nice.
-What about Naboo? -He 406.
-No way! He looks about 1 2.
-Yeah.
What's his secret? Oil of Ulay I bet.
-He has different secret.
-Oh, yeah? Yeah, he has access to Fountain of Youth.
-He must have hidden it somewhere.
-Imagine if we find it, it will be genius.
-Our old brains encased in tight youthful faces.
-Where is it? -I've got something.
There's a map here.
-I'll take that.
-I'm the cartographer around here.
-I found it.
There's something for you.
That's more your style, isn't it? -Nice and shiny.
-Cool.
''To find the Fountain of Youth you must first reach the Desert of Nightmares.
'' -What did you say? -If only we could find the Desert of Nightmares.
Check this out.
Do you think Naboo will mind us borrowing this for a while? -No.
-Come on.
-Let's get ourselves some youth juice.
-Yeah.
-I don't believe it.
We've gone round in circles.
-I've read about this.
If you're walking in the desert and there's no landmarks and you've got one leg shorter than the other, you just go round in circles.
-What are you saying about my legs? -I'm not saying anything about your legs.
You're always having a poke at my legs, aren't you? I'm not talking about your.
Well, they are quite funny.
There's nothing funny about my legs.
-They're like hosepipes propping up a beanbag.
-That's my look, okay? You're just jealous.
You only dream of having legs like mine.
Willowy and sleek like the antelope.
(CHUCKLING) Whatever.
Tell you, this Factor 3000 is genius.
It's tested out on Goths and albinos.
It's part of the Edgar Winter range.
Yeah, well, give me some.
-There's none left.
-Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, great.
I'm going to burn up.
You'll be all right.
You look good with a tan, you know.
I need to be pale.
It's part of my look.
I'm the Shoreditch vampire.
I've got sensitive skin, okay.
Do you remember why we came here? I've got four crow's-feet as it is.
-Five, actually.
-What do you mean? -I've just seen one appear under your eye.
-Don't be joking now.
-There's another one.
-Stop it! -Six.
-Shut up! -Seven.
-Stop it.
-They're coming thick and fast.
-This isn't funny, okay? Halt! What brings you to the Desert of Nightmares? -Actually, we're looking for the Fountain of Youth.
-We're just passing through.
Ah! Many a vain man has come searching for the Fountain of Youth.
And many a vain man has been killed.
-Why? -Because I have killed them.
-Yeah, right.
You and whose army? -Me and my army.
Kashungo! Check us out! I don't believe this.
They've been going through my stuff again.
Probably looking for Fountain of Youth.
Really? And why would they be looking for that, Bollo? -I don't know.
-Have you been yapping off again? Bollo need to go now.
They've taken the amulet.
We've got to go and find them.
Where they go? To a place far, far away.
A place where I was born.
-Streatham? -No, the planet Xooberon, you jerk off.
Oh, Xooberon.
Oh, yeah.
(HUSHED CONVERSATION) We have reached a verdict.
You shall be buried up to your necks in sand.
Left in the midday sun to be cooked alive.
Have you anything to say? -Have you got the amulet? -Yeah, shall we get out of here? -One minute.
-What are you doing? -Yeah, I've got something to say, actually.
-Oh, really? Yeah, I was just wondering why you were doing all this sort of stuff.
Is it now, and I'm going out on a limb here, because you're a little bit short? I'm not short, am I? See.
I'm a big 'un.
Come on, they're just kneeling down to make you look taller.
-I am taller than most things.
-Like what? Chairs.
Beach balls.
Women on their sides.
You're technically a midget.
I'm sorry to break it to you.
I am four foot six without shoeses.
With the hat, maybe.
Is that why you wear it? To give you a little boost? This is all me.
Who looks foolish now? You, you blue berk.
What's that comb-over all about? That's not disguising the size of your head, you know.
Oh, I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life.
-What with? Your forehead? -Zantar! Press it now.
Press it now, Vince! -It's not working.
-What do you mean it's not working? -I think the batteries have run out.
-What do you mean? -The batteries are dead.
-What batteries? (GRUNTING) Yes, good, Zantar.
There'll be snacks for you later.
Zantar.
A little on the short side but he packs a wallop.
Behold! He has the amulet.
All hail our new leader.
(CHANTING) Yeah, right.
You didn't quite realise who you were messing with, did you? You don't have the amulet.
-Can't you get any closer? -I'm trying, boss.
-Oh, it's not crashed again, has it? -No, the mouse is stuck.
Zoom in on that bird with the big hair.
Right click, right click.
Zoom.
Halle-bleeding-lujah.
I knew it, boy.
I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning when I woke up.
At first I thought it was the crabsticks, but now it all makes sense.
The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the universe.
With an army of green bitches marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake.
I love you, boss.
-Shut up and put the tea on.
-All right.
How about some malt loaf? -Yeah, I'll have a slice.
-Right.
Apples and pears and various other fruit.
VINCE: Yeah, so basically, I backcomb it.
I rarely wash it.
It just stays like this all day.
Bravissimo! Remarkable! -Could you sign this for my wife? -Yeah.
Make it out to Alan.
Can I have some space? I'm getting a bit claustra.
Give our master some space, you pig dogs.
Can I get you anything else, my little plum dumpling? Well, I am quite thirsty.
Slave! Water! Now! -Nice shorts.
-I'm not happy about this, you know.
How dare you speak in the presence of the Chosen One! Chosen One? -I've already told you.
-Will you stop doing that? You're not listening.
Shall I kill him? Erm no, don't kill him.
Let me have a word with him in private.
Everyone out, you little dick bags.
I can stay, of course, because I'm the favourite of the Chosen One.
-Oh, my dear sweet gorgeous lord.
-What you doing? Oh, I've crossed the line.
Forgive me.
I shall cut off my hand.
Oh, this is bad! God! No! God, it hurts so good.
Listen, we've got to get out of here and get some batteries for that amulet.
Where are we going to get those from? The local Dixons? I don't know where to get them from but we can't get home without them.
-What's the rush? -What do you mean, what's the rush? -We're being held captive by a violent dwarf.
-I'm not.
Look, you remember why we came here, yeah? To find the Fountain of Youth.
Yeah, but that was before.
-Before what? -Before I found out I was the Chosen One.
Vince, you've gone wrong.
-I've always felt like I might be the Chosen One.
-What? Do you believe in fate, Howard? I mean, I was wearing the amulet.
Well, maybe I should wear that amulet for a little bit, yeah? You don't accessorise.
There's a simple truth to you.
-You bitch.
Give me that amulet.
-Guards.
-What shall we do with him? -Just get him out of my sight.
Very well, cupcake.
Shooting star, look at you Shooting star, you're a beautiful ball of light Shooting star Get out of the way I can't see nothin' You're all in my periferins You're in my periferins visual I cannot, how can I concentrate? You're all over like a bluebottle Getting in Getting in all about the place Flipping idiot.
Sandstorm! Sandstorm! Sandstorm! Sandstorm! Storm of sand.
Sandstorm.
Can you keep it down a bit? I'm trying to straighten my hair.
Run for your lives.
What's happening? Where's everyone going? -This is your first test.
-What test? It is written that the Chosen One must destroy the evil sand beast that has cursed our tribe for hundreds of tens of years.
Unless, perhaps, you are not the Chosen One.
No, no, he is the Chosen One.
Good luck.
Good luck, my lovely lady lumps.
Bye.
-I am Sandstorm.
-I'm Vince.
Pleased to meet you.
Ow! Feel the power of my grade 4 glasspaper palms.
Na, na! That hurt, you bumbaclot.
That's just the beginning.
I plan to sand you down to a pulp, cowboy.
-Why? -What? I am Sandstorm.
-Yeah? So what? -Stop the talk, prepare for a chaffing.
-There's something wrong with you.
-No, there isn't.
-You're all angry.
-Yes, I am angry.
You've got no charm or charisma.
There's nothing to you.
You're just violence in a tool belt.
-Who are you to judge me? I am frustrated.
-Why? Because I cannot love.
It's a living hell for me.
-What is? -My life.
-I'm made from sandpaper.
-Yeah, I'm getting that.
I can't touch anything.
If I do, I wear it down.
I plane surfaces without realising it.
I cannot even touch myself.
I'm having a bit of a shocker.
Hmm.
-Well, have you thought about accessorising? -What? Well, you know, what about some gloves? -Gloves? What is gloves? -Take these.
-They go over your hands.
-Oh.
Ah! Hand sheaths.
Never before have I felt the soft contours of my face.
Never have I lightly caressed the angular frame that is my torso.
Oh, this is great.
Now I can love myself.
(RUSTLING) Oh, my.
Oh, love, love.
Love, love.
Oh, love, love.
(MOANING) Can I keep these? -Yeah.
-Oh, thank you.
-No one's ever given me a gift before.
-That's fine.
If ever you need help, general DIY or.
I'm very good with coving.
Simply blow this horn and I shall repay your kindness.
Bye.
See you later.
Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, Mars, Venus, George, Gracie.
That is the list of my best friends in order.
Order of preference.
I love the Chosen One Loving him is lots of fun We love the Chosen One Not as much as me I love him with my heart I love him with my body parts We love the Chosen One Everybody shush! There, it is decided.
I love the Chosen One most.
And in appreciation of your killing the evil sand beast, I present you with this gift.
Wow, thanks a lot.
-Cheers.
-It took me ages to wrap.
Have you got anything else? I do like gifts.
Oh, yes.
Pepo! Ow! -Pepo, come over here.
-All right, Pepo? Pepo is the greatest artist our race has ever produced.
He has been watching you ever since you arrived.
I hope you don't mind, but I think this is the best piece of work I've ever done.
That is cool.
It must have taken you ages.
It's so perfect.
-I mean, the fringe is a bit short.
-Forgive me, my lord.
I just meant you could probably redo the fringe.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Music.
I love the Chosen One Loving him is fun, fun, fun I love the Chosen One Not as much as me I love the Chosen One Loving him is so much fun We love the Chosen One Not as much as me.
Why do you not join in the festivities? -It's not really my scene.
-Nor mine.
He is not the chosen one.
-What do you mean? -You are.
Am I? I mean, I am but.
How did you know that? I've been watching you in your shorts.
You are a powerful man with slim handsome legs.
-You noticed? -How could I fail to? Such legs.
I know why you are here.
You seek the Fountain of Youth.
How do you know that? I also know your so-called friend Vince plans to ditch you and get it himself, and form a band with younger people.
-What? -Yes, he's drunk on power.
But I see something special in your eyes, Howard.
-You should have the amulet.
-Yes.
How? -You are his personal slave, are you not? -More of a valet, but yes.
-You fold his clothes, peel his grapes.
-Yeah.
Wash his balls.
I draw the line at that, but I do deal with some of his more personal business.
-And you have access to his tent? -I do.
(WHISPERING) -I can't hear that.
-Oh, sorry.
Basically, you go into his tent when he is asleep, you open the flap, you steal the amulet.
Psst.
Oh, hi.
-You have the amulet? -Yeah, yeah, he was sleeping like a baby.
-Never mind, give me the amulet.
-Oh, yeah.
Maybe when this whole thing is over we could go out for meal.
Do you like Chinese food? I don't think so, squire.
Italian? Where am I? What's happening? Someone stole the amulet last night while I was asleep.
Oh.
Who would do something like that? Silence! You have lost the amulet.
Our most valuable of jewels.
And now you must pay the price.
By midday you will be two burning balls of fire.
Now make peace with your gods.
I suppose a hat would be out of the question, would it? Shut it.
(SINGING) Perfect.
-Howard, do you think it's going to be all right? -No.
We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
(SIGHING) -We had some good times though, didn't we? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Remember the time we had that soup? That was brilliant.
Soup, soup, a tasty soup Soup, a spicy carrot and coriander A chilli chowder Crouton, crouton Crunchy friends in a liquid broth I am gazpacho, oh I am a summer soup, oh Miso, miso, fighting in the dojo Miso, miso Oriental prince in the land of soup -Oh, classic times.
-Crazy days.
Come on, it'll be all right.
Something will turn up, it always does.
Tell you what, this Edgar Winter sun cream, it's incredible.
I only applied a small amount and I feel like I'm in a cool mountain stream.
How are you bearing up? Yeah, I'm fine.
-Where did you get those sunglasses from? -A passing coyote took pity on me.
He took pity on you, did he? He took a piss on me.
I think in his own simple way, he was probably just trying to cool you down.
Hey, Howard, it's Naboo! -What the hell's been going on here? -Yeah, we got into a spot of bother.
-Where's Howard? -What do you mean? I'm right here.
-What's happened to you? -Why? Have I caught the sun? -You look like jacket potato.
-Oh, no.
Bollo, get him out.
I'm going to start the carpet.
Don't panic, Vince.
I'll have you out in a jiffy.
-What you starting with him for? Dig me out.
-Too late for you.
-Vince precious flower.
-Bollo, have you got anything for my face? Beans or coleslaw? (LAUGHING) Ah, there it is! I can scarcely believe my powerful peeper.
It does exist.
Take a look, Stu.
The Fountain of Youth.
Wow, it look different, boss.
Well, they've done it all up, haven't they? It's all Ikea now, boy.
There it is! The magic H2O comes cascading out of this showerhead.
And when liberally applied to my thin green body, it will restore me to my former glory.
-And beauty, mind.
-Yeah, nice one.
We're getting closer.
It's not too far now.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Yeah, you've always got a bad feeling, haven't you? Shut up, walnut face.
Hey, they're coming, boss.
Hey, how did that happen? Don't you worry about it, boy.
I've got one last trick up my Lambeth sleeve.
Oh, evil tree, go about your wicked foul business.
(CREAKING) I am evil tree.
Aah! Prepare to meet your doom.
Don't anyone panic.
It'll be all right as long as we stick together.
Oh, thanks a lot, Howard.
(EVIL TREE LAUGHING) I've got an idea.
Come here, you little dresser.
You little posh cabinet.
Pop your little drawers out.
Pop out your little drawers.
(HORN BLOWING) Shit.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY) Prepare to meet your doom.
-Sand! -You'd better believe it.
Hold these.
Oh! Prepare to die, tree.
-Wait! Perhaps we are not so different.
-What? -Well, I am made of wood.
-So? -And you are made of sandpaper.
-And? -Paper comes from wood.
-What? If you kill me, you are killing yourself.
Nice try.
(TREE SCREAMING) (WHIRRING) -Wait! -I'm going to smooth you.
Smooth you down.
No! -Wait! A little to the left.
-I am a DIY demon.
I'll be back to varnish you later, you little pine tart.
Thank you.
-See you, Sand.
-Bye, guys.
Who was that wanker? Ooh! Hey! I'm a cockney flower, watch me shower.
Ha ha! I can feel myself getting younger.
Each droplet taking me back to puberty.
(GROWLING) I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney.
-It's too late.
-Not quite.
Oh, it burns! I'm melting.
I'm burning.
No! You've liquefied me, you slags.
Nice work, Naboo.
Cheers.
If only the King was here, he'd be so proud.
Perhaps the King is closer than you think.
-Who's that? -It is I, the King.
-All right, King.
-Naboo.
-Nice hair.
-Thanks.
What do you use? -Root booster.
-Seaweed.
I just leave mine natural.
Howard Moon.
Well done, Naboo.
You have defeated the evil cockney and averted great disaster.
Come, reign with me.
We shall enjoy a full range of lentil-based dishes and listen to folk music every night.
Actually, I've got stuff on.
(WHISPERING) Let's get out of here.
Oh, well.
Fare thee well, Naboo.
I came as quickly as I could.
I heard there was great trouble in the forest.
Have you ever thought of investing in a watch? -What time is it? -It's 4:00.
Shit, I've got to pick up the kids.
What a berk.
I can't believe we went all the way there and didn't even get any youth juice.
-What do you think this is? -No way.
-Shave off a couple of years, eh? -Genius.
Give us a go.
What's it like? -Oh, it's tasty.
-That's enough, that's enough.
-I'm the one that's like a flipping walnut.
-All right, testicle head.
-That better not be what I think it is.
-What if it is? You idiots, you're not supposed to drink it.
(HUMMING SOFTLY) -Is that milk warm, yet? -I can't tell really.
My elbow, too hairy.
-Oh, no! -What? I think Howard's done a little mistake in his pants.
I love the Chosen One I think that he is number one I love the Chosen One Loving him is so much fun I love him in the night I love him with my body tight I love the Chosen One I stick my fingers up his.
That's enough music for tonight.
No more music.
Ow!