The Millers (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

To Debbie and Adam on the last night of their business, a toast.
The only thing on their menu you could actually eat.
Well, thanks, guys.
You know, when I first had the idea for The Whispering Frog Yoga Cafe, a lot of people had jokes about how it would croak.
Well, it did.
But it taught us a lot that's gonna make our next project a sure success.
Yeah, isn't it great? Adam already came up with another great idea.
Yeah, I'm not sure the word "another" means what you think it means.
Sure, it was a great idea to open a restaurant ten years ago.
But now nobody cool eats at restaurants anymore.
So, I present to you The Whispering Frog Yoga Cafe food truck! Ooh! I know what you're thinking what a no-brainer.
That is what I was thinking.
Oh, Debbie, you forgot the best part of the presentation the promotional tool.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, good.
There's more.
Hey, guys, this restaurant on wheels is a terrible idea.
Uh, the only good thing about this place was that it stayed put so we could avoid it.
I can't believe Debbie is supporting this.
I mean, how did she get so dumb? Well, don't blame me.
I might've dropped her on her head a couple of times when she was a baby.
But you're the one who let her chew the paint off the windowsill.
Listen, you guys, what we have to do I did not! Hey, hey, guys.
Do you really need to butt in? So, they mistake another mistake? Who's it hurting? T-shirt gun time! So, two margaritas and an order of potato skins.
Half loaded, half no cheese, no sour cream, no potato.
Yeah, that's right.
Just the skins.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just, I'm trying to get back in my skinny, skinny jeans.
Oh, and if you could steam those, that'd be great.
Thanks.
Wow! She is cute! Yes, she is.
And when she comes back, I need you to talk me up a little bit.
Why can't you be my wing man for once? Whoa! What do you mean "for once"? Come on, man.
I'm always your wing man.
Never the other way around.
It's been that way since the day we met! Nice weather report this morning, Kim.
This is Nate.
I see an 80% chance of you two in the shower! Whoo! Hey, you got a mobile telephone? My buddy's got a mobile telephone.
Please leave your name and number after the "woo.
" Whoo! Excuse me? My friend has something he needs to tell you.
And what he need to tell you is Whazzup?! I love that commercial.
Let's have sex! Whoo! Wait, hold on.
I have been your wing man plenty of times.
Oh, really? Name one.
All right.
Uh, there was that time Okay, no, that was you.
Um Oh, I know! Last year.
No! God! Think, Nathan, think! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine.
I can't think of a time.
Look, it's no big deal.
Just not the wing man type.
You're a little too self-involved.
Hey! That is crazy, man! I make a great wing man.
Look, here she comes.
All right, you know what? Sit back and enjoy the in-flight entertainment a very special episode of Ray's Anatomy.
Okay, here's your drinks.
The steamed potato skins might be a while.
The guys in the kitchen are still laughing.
Great.
Um, hey, listen, have you met my best friend, Ray? He will not tell you himself, but he is the best cameraman in the biz.
Really? What does he film? Well, me, mostly.
It's I'm a, I'm a news reporter for WXDN.
I knew you looked familiar.
Nathan Miller.
You are so much cuter in person.
Wow.
Well, thank you.
Maybe I ought to fire my makeup girl.
Ray, Ray, Ray, where-where you going, man? You tried, man.
It's just not you, buddy.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, come on! I was gonna I was gonna circle back around to you! Come on, I was gonna tell her that you got the longest zoom in the business! Rough day at school? That girl Kaitlyn keeps bothering me.
She told everyone my middle name is David.
How did she even find out? You know, when I was growing up, I experienced both sides of bullying.
Getting bullied and tattling on bullies.
It was only later that I found out how to get revenge.
Okay? So, here's what you have to do.
Find out everything that she is deathly afraid of.
Okay, and then we can play a prank on her.
Unless, of course, you think that's too mean.
Daddy, I ride the bus to public school.
If it wasn't David, "Mean" would be my middle name.
Okay, so, this is the truck we're thinking of buying.
It was a bloodmobile, so it needs some work.
But if we buy it, they say they'll give us a cookie.
You know what, honey? I just don't know if this is the best idea.
Okay, obviously, we'll get the truck tested for hepatitis.
No, not this truck.
Any truck.
You were sweet to support Adam for so long.
But you can't keep encouraging his bad ideas.
Hey, how do you know what's a bad idea? Because the food is awful! Your restaurant is the only place I've ever seen raccoons putting a lid on a trash can.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
Oh, Adam just gets so excited when he talks about this stuff and then I get swept up, too.
I don't know why.
You're blinded by love.
Early in our marriage, I let Tom talk me into some stupid ideas.
Like marriage itself.
You can't keep following Adam down these terrible paths.
Let me, let me help you find a real job.
I don't know.
I mean, what would Adam do? We've always been partners.
Well, maybe when he sees you've given up on the idea, he'll realize it's awful, too.
Oh, come on, it wasn't the worst idea in the world.
And no matter what you say, our food wasn't that bad.
Hey, Deb.
Uh, you know all that old food from the restaurant we tossed out back? I think the raccoons might've gotten to it, because I just found it all in a neat pile on the doorstep.
Oh, wow, they're hiring singers down at The Colada! I tried lounge singing for a while.
But this voice really belongs in an arena.
Oh, here's a good one for Debbie.
You think she'd be interested in "the exciting world of boatyard security"? Nothing near the coast.
She had scoliosis, and the saltwater could rust her spine.
Oh, what about this? "Assistant Manager needed for car rental location.
Possibility for advancement.
" She could go from car rentals here to car rentals downtown to car rentals across the river My God, she could end up working at the airport! Oh, hi, Nathan.
Kip and I were just borrowing your paper.
We might've just found a job for That's great or terrible or whatever.
Hey, listen, um, am I only interested in myself? I'm worried that I'm becoming a narcissist.
Well, that's ridiculous! How could a boy as smart and handsome as you, with the perfect amount of leg hair for a man ever become a narcissist? Yeah, I wonder.
I'd better go tell Debbie about this job.
Oh, I hope they don't drug test.
I ate a lot of poppy seed bagels when I was pregnant with her, and I don't know how long that stuff stays in your system.
Plus, I think she smokes weed.
Hey, Kip.
Uh my-my mom went that way, so You know, if you really want to address this problem, I can help you.
Well, thanks.
I'm not a narcissist.
He said, about to take a sip from his own face.
I didn't, I, I didn't make this.
It was a gift from Ray.
Okay.
Well, hey, why don't we take a spin through your recent Google searches, okay? No, I don't think it would Wow! "Nathan Miller shirtless".
"Nathan Miller gym".
"Nathan Miller abs" Okay, yeah, but, you know what? That's because I'd heard that there was a picture going around of me changing at the gym.
"How do you make a shirtless photo of a celebrity go viral?" Okay, you know what? Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, fine.
Yes, maybe there is a little bit of narcissism.
But I don't need help.
I can stop whenever I want.
See? Look.
Stopped.
You can't just stop being a narcissist.
It doesn't work that way.
Oh, my God, you're gazing at your reflection - in my spoon.
- Oh Okay, now you're just being complete I need help.
Oh, my God, I'm shaking.
I don't know if I'm nervous about this job interview or if I'm just uncomfortable wearing the same suit Aunt Beth died in.
Interviews are a breeze.
Here's what you do: Get on your computer and go to something called Bing.
Then type in "Yahoo.
com" From there type in "Google" Click on that, then type the interviewer's name in the box, and learn everything you can about him.
That way you can pretend you have the same interests.
Wow, that was some great work, sweetie.
Uh, it looks like Kaitlyn is afraid of heights, spiders and a nuclear Iran.
Okay, now I have to warn you this next phase is not gonna be easy, okay? You have to build up her trust.
And then pretend to be her friend.
Got it.
The classic double-cross.
Just like they're gonna do next year on The Kardashians when they finally tell that big one she's not their real sister.
Adam, we need to talk.
Okay, look I love being partners with you, okay? But, so far, all of our businesses have failed, and we need to provide for Mikayla, so, my mom had a talk with me well, at me - Mm - And I've decided to try and get a full-time job at a car rental place.
Wait, what? I-I didn't You made this decision without consulting with me.
I thought we were partners.
No, I know.
I'm sorry.
But I think this is the best thing for our family.
Fine.
Fine, I guess that's just the way it is.
Oh, and not that you care, but our food truck passed its hepatitis test.
To overcome your narcissism, you need to look in this mirror, and see who you really are, okay? - Look, that's not a - That's not a What are you do - Will you stop it? - No questions.
Hi, Nathan.
It's me, Nathan.
a cool job, a doting mother and a surprisingly easy voice to mimic.
But underneath my thick coating of pomegranate body spray, is a nervous little boy, terrified that he'll never be loved.
Maybe that's why I wet my bed until I was ten.
Wait a second, did my mom tell you that? We were playing truth or dare, and it was either tell me that or get the mail without pants on.
What would you say is your greatest strength? I feel like it's probably my patience, which is something I got from my summers spent fly fishing on the Snake River.
Okay.
That's the ninth time you've mention fly fishing during this interview.
Did you Google me? Google you? I don't even know what Google is.
Is that a car rental industry term? Did you park the Google out back? If you don't know what Google is, we can end this meeting right now.
No, no, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Of course I know what Google is.
It's, uh, it's like when you cast a word out into the Internet, and then you reel the information back in.
Yeah, I don't fish.
However, there is a Robert Phillips who lives in Wyoming who posts all kind of crap about fly fishing.
Hello.
I'm here today to express interest in your job offering today.
I'm in the middle of an interview.
I will be right with you.
No, you'll be with me right now.
Initiative.
Little bit about myself, I believe my greatest strength is my loyalty.
When I commit to something, like, say, a partnership, I stick to that commitment.
It's like a trout caught on a well-cast line when you're knee-deep in the Snake River.
Okay, I'm calling the cops.
Oh, sir, sir I admire your eagerness to provide for your family, but there's no need to interrupt our meeting.
Because you're ruining your and other people's chances of getting the job.
So if you don't mind to wait outside, somebody will be with you shortly, okay? - No, see I just - Okay, thank you very much.
Wow.
You know, half this job is handling crazy people without yelling at them.
You're hired.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Wow, um Thank you.
Well, as long as you can explain these multiple shoplifting convictions.
Uh, oh, oh, my God.
You know what, you have also Googled the wrong person.
Damn that other Debbie Stoker.
Oh, she is such a kook.
Although I hear she's quite beautiful.
And at night, I lie awake worrying, "Is this as good as my life is gonna get? "A divorced man living across the hall from my mother.
"Texting, 'What's up, Brian?' to random New York numbers, hoping one day I'll reach Brian Williams.
" Okay, stop.
Stop, okay? Just, please, just stop.
You're right.
I'm not so great.
In fact, the only reason I talk about myself so much is because I'm worried that no one else will.
Nathan, we did it.
You had a breakthrough.
Okay, you broke me down, but next you-you build me back up, right? Please hurry.
I hate this feeling.
What do people call it, vulnerability? Okay, before I build you up, we need to do a sweep.
Like an alcoholic pouring booze down the drain.
We need to rid this place of your addiction.
Where's that mug with your mug on it? It's down there.
Oh, my God.
You have two of these? In case a girl stays over.
Is this all of it? Yes.
Yes! No.
Baseball caps? A clock? A towel with your face on it.
When I'm drying my face at the gym, I don't want to deny people the chance of a celebrity sighting.
Ray gave you all of this? Look, on my birthday, he would take me out for dinner and just get me one of those.
It just kind of became our thing.
And what did you do for him? I said thank you.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
All these years, he's done so much for me and I've done almost nothing in return.
There's got to be some kind of way that I can show him that I care about him just as much as he cares about me.
Well, it would have to be some sort of grand gesture.
Yeah.
Maybe you could write him a big, heartfelt song.
Have it sung by a gifted amateur singer.
Oh, you know what, I know.
I could make him something with his face on it.
Interesting, or there's that big song idea you just mentioned.
Wait a minute, I just realized, I sing.
Yes, yes, yes.
I will make him a "Ray of the Month" calendar.
You know, like, a Januar-Ray.
Februar-Ray.
March-a-Ray.
You know what, it doesn't matter.
I think you can buy those things online.
So hard to decide between two ideas One is brilliant And the other is Nathan's.
Check it out.
Here.
It's perfect.
Look at that.
And we can put some pictures of his family in it, too.
We'll sneak into his apartment, get some pictures.
It's all right, I know where he hides his spare key.
So many options It's hard to decide You can do it down low Or maybe up high! You can do it down low This is so exciting.
I do not get to walk on my tiptoes enough.
Ray's basketball game breaks up at 9:00, okay? So we just need to hurry up.
Okay, fine, uh, I'll look through this stuff here.
Look, all the photographs are right here, Kip.
You do not need to snoop.
Oh, my God.
This is Bad.
This is Dangerous.
This is Off The Wall.
He's got all Michael Jackson's albums on cassette.
Congrats on the job.
How's Adam doing? Eh, not great.
He was so upset that he walked home and left our car at the rental place.
Now a Korean family from Toronto has it until Thursday.
If a productive member of the family needs the couch, just let me know and I'll move to the floor.
Adam, you are still an important part of this family.
Hey, when we hear a noise downstairs in the middle of the night, who's the one who barks? I'll see you upstairs in a second, Kaitlyn.
Bad news, Dad.
It turns out Kaitlyn's pretty cool.
Oh.
We both like apples and when we grow up, we both want to be on The Bachelor.
So can we call off the plan? Aw, man.
We planned all that stuff out.
But if that's how you feel, okay.
Thanks, Dad.
Wait, was that Kaitlyn she was playing with? I thought they were enemies.
Well, they were.
I told Mikayla I had a secret plan to get rid of an enemy.
Really, I just sent her on all these little missions that were designed to make her hang out with Kaitlyn more and get to know her better, hopefully become friends with her, so Guess my secret plan worked.
I was so busy with this job stuff that I didn't even realize this was still going on.
Talk about feeling useless.
Yeah.
I'm really glad Mikayla had you to turn to.
It's my job; I'm her dad.
You know what? With you working full-time, someone's gonna have to take care of Mikayla.
I guess things aren't as uneven as I thought.
I misjudged you, Adam.
Tom never helped out with the kids.
The one time I asked him to walk Debbie to the bus, I had to pick her up at the Greyhound station in Atlanta.
Oh, my God.
What a fun medicine cabinet.
I beg you, stop snooping.
I'm not snooping.
I'm looking out for your friend.
If I don't take these pain pills, he might get addicted.
What the hell are you guys doing? Ray! Uh, I'll be in the car.
You're driving.
Look, man, I-I didn't know you were home.
- I just - What are you doing with pictures of my mama? Look, I-I was trying to find some pictures so I could make you a calendar.
I wanted to show you that I could be a better friend.
I feel bad that you're always making stuff for me, and I never do anything for you.
That's a sweet idea, if I were you.
The only reason I make those things for you is because I know how much you love looking at yourself.
Why do you think I'm always wearing mirrored sunglasses? Right, you're right, it was a dumb idea.
I mean, not as dumb as singing a song, but I still think a song would work much better These pills are really starting to kick in! Why did you bring him with you? I thought you didn't like that guy? Yeah, trust me, after spending the whole day with him, trying to get over my selfishness, I like him even less.
So you spent the whole day with someone you don't like in order to learn how to be a better friend to me? Well, yeah.
Wow.
You're a lot less selfish than I thought you were.
Give it up.
Look, man, from now on, I promise I am gonna be a better wing man, okay? I mean it, I mean it.
I don't need a wing man.
I know, but still, tonight Ray? Hey, Potato Skins.
You were right about your friend.
He does have the longest zoom in the business.
Like I said, I don't need a wing man.
I'll see you at work.
Hit that strobe light! Things are about to get funky.
I'm the one who told her you were a great cameraman! I get credit for this! Oh, I am the best wing man ever.