The Neighbors s02e04 Episode Script

The orphan elephant soon finds a new friend.
runt duckling named Deedee.
How is this a tv show? Oh, give us a chance Amber, it's a whole marathon.
and I was hoping you'd enjoy watching it with me.
I'd conservatively see why you'd think that, given my self gooey center and extensive ducky collection.
Welcome to game night! Oh the elderly.
If we get out of here and go to your house, I'll watch whatever you want.
Deal! After the next commercial.
While these species are different, watch as they find common ground in their play Okay, the game tonight is Taboo.
Teams are men versus women.
Oh, perfect.
Me versus you three.
Is this gonna start already? Okay, very simple rules.
The card has a word on it.
You try to get your partner to say it by giving clues.
Oh, wait.
Slow down.
It's just so complicated.
I mean, when you humans moved unknowingly into our gated community of aliens, I knew there was much you had to teach us, but are we really ready for "Taboo"? Oh, just ignore him.
He gets expositional when he gets nervous.
Okay, okay, this first word is my favorite shade of - Lavender! - Oh! Good.
Okay.
Uh, next one my grandmother was born - Florida.
- More specific.
Uh, Miami Beach, backseat of a Vega.
- Ding! Wee unstoppable! - Yes! - Okay, ooh, this is my favorite color.
- Red! Blue! Violet? - Pass.
- Okay.
Uh, so, um, oh this word is also my middle name.
- Carol! - What? Stacy? Violet? Pass.
Pass.
Pass.
Pass.
Let me guess pass? Um I got it! Sad man, domineering wife, poor eating habits, and a family that doesn't respect him? I'd like to switch teams.
Someone's eating his feelings.
Hey, buddy.
You're greeting someone saying hello.
Heya, buddy.
I don't know what the fist thing I don't know.
- Heya, buddy.
Heya heya, buddy.
- What is that? - Hey! Hey! - J j just do something else besides Ooh! Time's up! Time's up.
It was "Friends," you idiot! Well, why didn't you try and get me there a different way? Why didn't you say, "the show that made Courteney Cox famous"? - W what? "Cougar Town?" - No, the first one.
Courteney Cox did something besides "Cougar Town"? Could we just stop game night and watch some good old network tv, please? On a Friday night? No, gracias.
Family, I think we can safely say we just learned the human concept of boredom.
They're the masters in that shabizzle, yo.
Father, urban slang is a bad look on you.
Did it not strike you as odd that Debbie Weaver seemed to know so little about me? Odd? No.
Typical? Yes.
But they're your friends.
Eh, maybe that's winding down.
Just when I think Marty Weaver and I are getting close, I am reminded that the man and I have absolutely nothing in common.
Perhaps our two species have No business playing games together.
Oh, you're just saying that 'cause you lost.
Oh, Deb, you only won because Jackie knew every answer.
I mean, you didn't know a Single thing about you.
Totally whack.
Oh, yes, Dick, I hear it now.
It's not good.
Perhaps the "B" in bff stands for Bad friend why am I like that? Well, hon, you know, you have a big personality.
Well, that's just a nice way of saying "self-absorbed.
" It's not even that nice of a way.
We should have called Max and Abby downstairs.
They would have distracted Dick Butkus from counting every We need to help him take better care of himself.
Oh, my poor, misguided ginger son.
Marty Weaver is a nearly extinct dinosaur trapped in a tar pit.
And the tar is made of melted spray cheese.
Then it falls to me.
I will save Marty Weaver.
Dick, who are you talking to? Ohh.
Marty, roll over.
You sound like Louie Anderson trying to get out of a pool.
Deborah, may I speak to you for a second? Dick, how long have you been standing there watching us sleep? Tonight? Just a few minutes.
- Tonight? - Meet me down in the kitchen.
Okay.
Dick, are you here because of Jackie? Is she mad I knew so little about her? Can we not get derailed with the "All about Debbie" show? Geez, Dick.
I can't stop thinking about Marty's eating.
Okay, Dick, I'm gonna stop you right there because I've been fighting this losing battle for years.
- So unless you have some alien technology - Even better.
I make him think he is helping me.
Oh, Dick, that's a bit obvious.
It's like every "I love Lucy.
" Fine, but if Marty's heart explodes you got some 'splainin' to do! Marty Weaver, I need you to get me in shape.
In a rare, adorable moment, the frail duckling attempts to groom the much larger elephant.
I love watching you watch tv.
Let's snuggle.
A world of stop.
What are you doing? Footsie hands.
Isn't that a thing? It's two things.
You either hold hands or you touch feet.
You're so specific about what you like.
I'm doing the best I can, all right? I'm sitting here listening to you coo over a duck.
Mm.
That's still so, so wrong.
- Jack! Hey, Lar.
- Hey, "Deh.
" Are you still watching that insipid show? It's a 24-hour Bogo and Deedee marathon.
We're up to episode 10 of what USA today hails as "a heartwarming look at an interspecies friendship.
" And against all odds, my heart is thawing.
Oh, grow a pair, Amber.
If I learned anything from last night's horrendously awful party, it's that interspecies friendships have their limits.
Is that duck licking an elephant? This is gonna end in a world of hurt.
See you "Amb.
" See you, Reg.
And I woke up in the middle of the night, I was so upset about that game.
Well, also Dick was staring at me.
Do you know he watches us sleep? Tuesdays and Fridays are his shift.
And that is going to be a discussion for another day.
But I felt so bad that I couldn't answer questions about you.
Like, what is your favorite color? Light rust.
- Middle name? - Bus stop.
See, I should know that.
I'm afraid I've let us become a one-sided friendship.
How can I explain it? Is it like when you dictate what we do and when we do it and what aspect of you we talk about, so that I know everything about you but you know absolutely nothing about me? Huh.
That.
Yes.
But I want to change.
Let me follow you around today, ask you questions, find out about you.
Like right now, what are you doing? Oh, I'm getting ready to shoot my new video.
It's for fellow recorder enthusiasts.
I have eight followers.
Well, consider me your ninth.
How can I help? You could press the red button, friend.
You got it, friend! - Okay.
- All right.
Are you writing messages on your phone? No.
I'm sorry.
I said today would be all about you, and it still is.
It's okay.
You probably won't like what's coming next, either.
I have a big hair appointment.
Ooh, a salon! I love Jackie day! As a matter of fact, let's get rid of all distractions.
Give me your phone.
Girl power! Girl day! Let's go! Boom.
Hey, no one disturb us, okay?! We're diving into lake Jackie! And We're headed to lake Jackie.
Hey, Dick, can I let you in on a secret? Bro code in full effect.
I know this is hard to believe, but I haven't exercised in six months.
But now I can get a little work in while I help you.
Now, what is it you'd like to do? Do you want to increase muscle mass or do you want to just tone up? - Yes.
- Okay.
All right.
You know what we need to do? We're gonna start slow.
This is a treadmill.
Now, this is the best way to get your heart rate up.
To do that I usually just watch Hoda and Kathie Lee get hammered on the "Today" show.
Yeah, I hear you.
Okay, why don't you come around here? We'll start slow.
And hop up on there.
Okay, start slow.
And I'll give you some music for inspiration.
With a long journey ahead of them, Bogo gives the duckling a ride on his back.
Seriously? You couldn't write this.
Why is my son on your back? Larry, I was teaching him how to use the treadmill.
He slipped, and he hurt his ankle.
Oh, my precious boy! Damn it, Marty! He had such beautiful ankles! You see, I told you somebody would get hurt! Father, you were talking about a cuddly little duckling and an elephant.
- And I still am.
- Oh, that's nice, Larry! That's real nice! Yelling won't help him.
- How do you feel? - I think I'm all right.
Okay, good.
That's normal, right? - What do we do? - What do we do? - I'll call Jackie.
- Ooh, I'll call Debbie.
And sometimes they don't like it here if you don't buy product.
- So you should - Jackie, come on.
I know today is your day.
But I've been to a salon before.
Oh.
Hi! Jackie! Wow, miss popularity, look at you.
Hi, Shirley.
Jackie J! The curls are working, girl.
Okay? When I don't understand the words that they're using, I just say "okay" as if it's a question.
- Okay.
- Okay? Well Valerie, I see you're finally reading "Gone Girl.
" Isn't it as good as I said? How long have you been coming here? Oh, just a few months, ever since I saw a documentary about black women and their hair.
- Apparently, it's a whole thing.
- Huh.
Who knew? - Mm.
Relaxers and afros and weaves.
- Oh, my.
But the salon experience is not just about hair.
We also talk about husbands and children and something called a "Rihanna" who apparently has no sense and keeps going back.
Oh, I love it! Introduce me.
Show me around.
You've never said that to me before.
Jackie, this is now a two-sided friendship.
- I want to see your side.
- Okay.
Shirley, I want to introduce you to somebody.
You brought your accountant? - Okay? - No, no.
Sorry.
I'm Debbie Weaver.
Hello, Debbie.
So, you came to hold Jackie's hand on her big day? Shirley talked me into trying a new hairstyle.
I'm getting my hair braided.
Oh, wow! Braids those are fun.
Hey, as long as we're doing things your way, maybe I should get some.
Fun! We can be twins.
- Shirley? - Tonya, get the white girl a smock! Yay.
Come on.
It should just be a few more minutes and the doctor will be in.
Hold on, mustache.
It's been over an hour.
For an emergency room, you don't act like it's an emergency.
Larry! Thank you, nurse.
Thank you.
For the third time, I'm telling you you have to be polite or they ignore you.
Please, Larry, just trust me.
Said the man who destroyed my son's chance at a career in ankle modeling.
Do you carry those around with you? There was a vending machine.
Back off.
Larry, are you 100% sure that the X-ray machine's not gonna show that he's an alien under this? Of course.
It's not a suit.
How stupid can you be? You know, I really miss the Debbie-Jackie buffer, because this, just you and me, it doesn't work for me.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fart.
I'm getting milk.
Poor Dick.
Would tv cheer you up? I'll never say no to "Pretty Little Liars.
" But there's no remote.
Hey! You! My son needs a tv remote.
I said my son needs a remote.
I'm sorry.
If you'll just give me a few more minutes.
No.
My son wants to watch "Pretty Little Liars.
" He needs a remote, and I don't see why he has to wait.
He loves "Pretty Little Liars.
" Just find him a remote! Like I said! Give my son the remote!! Thank you very much.
Ah, is it such a hair-don't, that it doubles back and becomes a hair-do? Almost.
It's so tight I can't stop smiling.
Is that normal? Girl, nothing about you is normal.
Okay? I'll tell you what else isn't normal Later.
I've never had my hair hurt.
Hey, Valerie, you tell Walter if he doesn't stop his nonsense, you're bringing over Shirley to give him some braids.
Speaking of, it's been almost two hours.
Is anybody gonna braid my hair? Jackie, has it been that long? I have to get home and start dinner.
Of course.
You're ready to go, so I guess we're going.
- Oh, Jackie, I didn't - Didn't you? You even managed to take this over.
Unbelievable.
Thank you so much, Debbie, for putting me be in charge today.
Did you learn a lot about me while you talked and you got my hair? Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry.
I just wanted your friends to like me.
Congratulations.
They do.
I don't.
Oh, Jackie, wait! I look like Predator.
Oh, my God, Alien versus Predator.
Jackie, wait! However, Bogo misunderstands Deedee's wing flapping as an act of aggression.
Come on, Jackie.
I said I was sorry.
Yes, you did.
Reggie Jackson, the house is locked.
Where's your father? - Dick fell.
- What?! - They're at the hospital.
- I'll drive you.
No, thank you.
I do not need your help, and I never will again.
Although I don't know where the hospital is - and we don't have a car, so could you - Let's go.
Thank you.
Did your mom macrame her head? I swear to you I pushed the button for raisins and this came out.
Sorry it's been such a wait.
I'm Doctor Cohan.
Hey, there, little fella, you got an owie? Here's a lollipop for being such a real big-boy trouper.
Is he friggin' serious with this? Now, we're gonna take your son for an X-ray and see if that ankle's broken.
Broken? Poor Dick.
Promise me he'll get the best care not that obamacare that Fox News says kills old people and lets illegal Mexicans get gay-married.
No, he's not from around here.
- Dick's gonna be fine, Larry.
- Fine is not okay! On my home planet, the "fine" get banished to a bleak, filthy moon for the broken and weak, not unlike your Canada.
I would just ignore him 'cause he gets emotional.
I have a responsibility to the state to report psychotic behavior.
No.
No.
Larry, it's okay.
Dick is gone now so you can drop the home-planet act before the doctor brings in the state with all the questions.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Don't need that.
Okay, so assure the doctor that this was all just a big - Dolphin? - Story.
- For his - Son? - Son.
- Yes, my son.
- On point.
- That's right.
And Larry knows that Dick loves - stories about aliens and home planets.
- Science fiction.
- Right, and you were just trying to make Dick - Laugh.
That's right.
He's not crazy.
- He's just a - Dolphin.
- No! - Oh.
Father.
That's right.
That's right.
And despite our differences and our inability to communicate without our wives, we do share one thing in common.
Don't we, Larry? We're both - Dads.
- Dads.
- And that is how you win "Taboo," my friend.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, that was weird.
I'll be back with the X-ray results.
Where's my little Dick? Oh.
Oh, husband, I heard your danger honk.
Oh.
And I'm just gonna go.
So, what you got going on top there, Deb? Did you guys spend the day at Sandals? She stole my hairstyle.
I didn't steal anything.
I was just trying to do your thing on your day.
Every lady at that salon loved you and forgot about me.
Go ahead and say it.
The reason why you know nothing about me and you talk so much is because I'm boring.
Do you honestly think I would spend so much time with you if you were boring? - I don't know.
- Well, let me be clear.
You are the opposite of boring.
You are the most exciting friend I have ever had.
- You speak 10 languages.
- 4,000.
You're great at everything.
You're an alien.
How could I make this better? Maybe remember I wasn't always the alien.
Back home, I was the normal one.
I was you.
My girlfriends and I would sit around and talk about nothing and swap secrets and decapitate foreign marauders.
I just want to be a friend, an equal.
Get over here.
Come on.
Oh, how I loathe the resolution hug.
Good news just a sprain, not a break.
He'll be up and around in a few days.
Hurrah! Resolution! Okay.
Oh, my son.
Okay, good.
So, can we please get out of here? I guess your plan to get him healthier didn't really work out, huh? Wrong.
Today, I got Marty his friend back.
Study after study has proven friendship is the best thing for the heart.
Aww.
His cholesterol is on you, Debbie.
Ever hear of an egg white? As a busy mom, I can't let my adult diaper slow me down.
- Mute.
- That's why I use I can't watch that commercial anymore.
Who's that happy about being Well, I'm guessing - this is the last commercial break, right? - And then it's over.
I'm really gonna miss that cold, awkward elephant.
You see, for me, it's really all about the duckling.
I used to hate soft and Fluffy, but now I just want to squeeze his little face and tell him I love him.
Yes, I do.
What's happening to me? Oh, my God, the show's back on! Give me your foot.
Stupid, Fluffy duckling.
Ooh, here we go last scene.
- We're home! - Welcome back.
Thank you.
And as another day ends, the elephant and the duckling prepare for sleep.
Over their time together, they took on each other's habits and behaviors.
They've become less aware of their differences.
But some differences are so big they're insurmountable.
On our last day of filming, Bogo the elephant tried to show affection and rolled over on top of the duckling.
- Oh.
- My.
- God.
Oh, that's hilarious! Finally, a show besides "Cougar Town" that knows how to end with a big laugh.
Oh, I love it.
Hello, recorder enthusiasts! Good news! My song today is going to be Hanson's "Mmmbop!" But first, I thought that I would address some of your online comments, so For Rikers inmate 6432, I do not play a lot of musical instruments, so I do not know what a skin flute is.
But starting a band with you sure sounds like fun! So, today's extra-special treat I will be accompanied by my best, best friend, Debbie Weaver, on drums.
A 1, a 2, a 1-2-3-4! Hey! Yeah! Keep rocking, recorder enthusiasts! Good night, Hidden Hills! Aah!