The Onion News Network (2011) s02e04 Episode Script
Dead Reporter
You're watching "The Onion News Network," the most watched cable news network since the dawn of the dinosaurs.
We're just a few days from Halloween, but we'll be donning our goblin masks and sexy witch costumes with a heavy heart, for one of "The Onion News Network's" most revered journalists passed away last night.
Hold high your torches, for, tonight, we send him to newsman's Valhalla.
I'm Brooke Alvarez, and you're entering "The Factzone.
" Good evening.
We begin tonight by paying tribute to one of the greatest journalists of the 20th century.
As you've no doubt heard, last night, we lost an irreplaceable member of "The Onion News Network" family, legendary newsman, Brandon Armstrong.
Armstrong started as a cub reporter at "The Onion Newspaper" during the 1950s, making a splash with his dispatches from the civil rights movement.
He was one of the few reporters on the scene when Saigon Fell.
Hoards of South Vietnamese are converging around the embassy, hoping to be spared the brutal retaliation sure to come at the hands of the Vietcong.
I, myself, am preparing to depart.
I've already loaded one helicopter completely full of souvenirs for friends back home and had to reserve a second helicopter for myself and the woman I'm currently sleeping with.
And Brandon often became a part of history himself, as evidenced in the Nixon tapes subpoenaed during the Watergate investigation.
He reassured the nation in times of tragedy, as seen in his coverage of "the challenger" disaster.
This proves what the "Onion News Network" has been "Man was not meant to" "leave planet earth.
" And during triumph, like when the Berlin Wall Fell in 1989.
And these people of East Berlin are finally tasting freedom, like the freedom to purchase any quality goods they want on the free market, such as "The Onion News Network" brand blue jean, the only blue jeans that have the word "freedom" right on the tag.
Brandon had unprecedented access to the corridors of power, whether he was with Bill Clinton, nobody was closer to the nation's Presidents.
Brandon was on the scene of the worst terrorist attack on U.
S.
Soil.
An airplane has just struck the north tower.
I want to advise the financial arm of "The Onion News Network" to buy gold and oil interests, immediately I repeat, buy gold and oil.
My God! A-another plane has just-just struck the World Trade Center.
For the love of God, drop tech stocks, now, or we're all gonna take a bath on this thing.
Sadly, Brandon was killed last night in a brothel fire in the Czech Republic, while finishing work on part 412 of his 500-part series on the Eastern European he really cared about those girls.
You know, Tucker, it's a shame you never got to meet Brandon.
You would have learned what it feels like to be a cockroach in the shadow of a lion.
Well, I can only imagine it-it's enough for me just trying to fill the shoes of the previous Tucker hopes.
Don't worry we've had nine Tucker hopes, so far.
Most people can't even tell the difference.
Well, nothing'new to me there I do have four identical brothers.
Tucker! By the way, I'm throwing a little party to celebrate my new status as a single woman.
I'm gonna put out some cups, crank up the German opera music, smash expensive liqueur bottles.
Sure hope you'll be there.
Well, the thing is, is that my brothers and I are dressing up as characters from Game Of Thrones.
And my costume just It wouldn't make sense without That's fine Bring them along.
Yeah? It's fine.
Okay all right, then.
I'll see you there.
I will be the front half of Denaerus Targerian's dragon.
Okay thank you, Tucker.
The green It's the green one.
Thank you, Tucker.
All right.
Thank you, my Khaleesi.
Well, as much as I'm looking forward to Halloween, not everyone is.
"The Onion News Network's" own Shelby Cross weighed in on the dangerous, annual tradition of trick or treating.
Let's take a look at this clip from tonight's "Cross Examination.
" It is time to stop gift wrapping our children and hand-delivering 'em to the predators among us.
Yep, I'm talking about Halloween, "the pedophile's Christmas.
" A little investment in some cheap candy and, suddenly, your neighborhood pervert is drowning in a winter wonderland of young flesh.
And you know he has been looking forward to this for months.
He spends money on fancy decorations to entice your unknowing children into his rape lair.
But, let me ask you one question, parents: What would you do, if a man came over to your house on any other day, with a greasy bucket of fun-size snickers, and he says, "hey, I'll give your son one" "of these, if he dresses up" "like a little cowboy?" You would blow his privates off with a shotgun, so, why do you let your kids go over to that same creep's house, just because the calendar says "October 31st?" So, what should you do? Now, when a kid rings your doorbell, you invite 'em in, and then you keep them there safely until morning.
Now, I know what you're gonna say.
"Hey, kids don't wanna spend" "the night in my basement.
" "There's candy out" "there to collect.
" But, that's why I carefully open up the, snack-size candy bars, I give 'em a dusting of sedative, and then the kids go out like a light, and they don't wake up until the danger's is over.
Now, part of my campaign this year, I've been running this little commercial after school and on Saturday mornings.
Jeff, can we run this? Hi, kids! This is Shelby Cross.
It's Halloween, and that means candy, and costumes and games.
But, it shouldn't mean getting fingered by a lecherous, neighborhood pervert.
Be safe and never trick or treat door-to-door.
Yeah.
There's no reason for anything bad to happen to you, if you just listen to Shelby.
That hurts! Just listen to Shelby! All right thanks, Shelby.
Well, after weeks of debate about a new round of corporate tax cuts, today, in Washington, President Obama finally struck a deal with Republicans, allowing them to kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.
For some quick analysis of this historic decision, let's go over, now, to "the first responders.
" Today, we have joining us Nancy Fichandler, Duncan Birch, and David Barrodale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura.
So, guys, who won here? Who lost? David, let's start with you.
I-I think Obama really came out on top here.
He wanted an expiration date for these t-tax cuts.
Boehner said, "no.
" He eventually negotiated the Republicans down to kicking him in the balls, and he didn't get anything at all.
Okay, but it wasn't exactly an unqualified win, was it? Well, no Obama doesn't get anything that he asked for, and they are gonna kick him in the balls, again, and again, very hard, but the point is, is that a deal was struck at all.
Okay, the real the real issue here is not Obama and his balls.
It's the Republicans.
What? All right? And they really lost out on this deal.
Okay, how so, Duncan? I well, they-they-they could've gotten should've gotten a bill that allows them to kick Obama in the testicles around the clock, day and night.
Well But, instead, they just settled for kicking him when he's awake? I mean, that's not a win.
The American people want Obama kicked in the balls in his sleep! Yes.
A-a-a democracy is about compromise, all right? Obama wants to end the tax cuts.
The GOP says, "no.
" Pull down your pants.
We wanna kick you straight in the balls.
Yeah.
Obama says, "okay.
" You see, it's a give and take.
If I were in charge, it'd be all take! Okay-okay, guys, but what about the so-called "ball kicking machine" that the bill requires to be installed, crotch level, under the desk of Obama, in the Oval Office? Now, critics are saying it's just too expensive.
It's way too expensive.
It takes away from the A person can kick a man in the balls better than a machine.
Okay, but Obama did release a statement earlier this morning about the ball kicking, and it said, quote: Come on! America's tired of Obama's rhetoric.
That is true.
Th-this is classic Obama.
Why? I mean, he's there on the floor, clutching his decimated crotch, while America's crumbling around him.
Just get up and let some people kick you in the balls! Of course, but, I mean, he needs to understand how politics works.
I believe it was Patrick Henry who said, "the tree of liberty" "needs to be occasionally" kicked "in the balls by patriots" and No, that wasn't That wasn't Patrick Henry.
That was John Adams.
Wanna bet? Hells, yeah! Loser gets kicked in the balls? Works for me.
All right, guys well, sorry to inform you, but the quote was actually by Samuel Adams, so, it looks like you're both getting kicked in the balls.
Nancy, wanna do the honors? It's a pleasure! Okay.
I'm gonna enjoy this! This is gonna hurt, but at least I can soothe myself thinking about Acura's optional, uh, blind-spot information system.
Well, we need to take a quick break, now.
But, first, let's take a look at tonight's "Factzone" insta-poll question.
What do you think of the federal government's decision to turn Detroit into a national haunted house? Log onto onionnewsnetwork.
com, right now, and vote.
You're back in "The Factzone.
" I'm Brooke Mouse-varez, and we have a I'm-I'm sorry.
I thought I thought I could get through this.
It's really me, Brooke Alvarez.
I was just disguised as a mouse.
Okay, now, Jane Carmichael has the latest for us from Washington.
Jane, will you be coming to my party this weekend? I rented a fog machine, like I saw in a report on club drugs.
We can all stand around in the fog it'll be fun.
I'm sorry, Brooke, I'm going to be spending Halloween with my mother she's not doing very well, and I don't think Well, you're gonna miss all the fun, then, when we're doing the mashing monster, but it's your choice, Jane.
Go ahead take it away.
Give us your story.
Are Republicans deliberately trying to obstruct government business to hurt Obama's re-election chances? In Washington, Democrats charge Republicans with trying to do just that through their recent tactic of speaking and moving in slow motion.
Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, however, denied the accusations this afternoon in a 95-word statement that took him more than three hours to read, followed by a question and answer session that went on for another five hours until reporters became frustrated and left.
Beltway insiders began to notice that Republican members of the house and senate were slowing things down last week during representative John Haller's argument against Obama's proposed tax increase.
Thiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiil wiiiiiiiiiil kiiiiiiiiiiil jooooooooooobs.
Democrats maintain that this is, quote: "Just the latest ploy" "by Republicans to derail" "the President's agenda" "at America's expense," "pointing to previous methods" "such as going limp during" "committee hearings.
" No! He's doing it, again.
Congressman Haley! I can't! You'll have to help me! This is absurd.
Someone prop congressman Haley up in his seat, so he finishes, please.
I can't.
Republicans counter by saying they're just taking their time with the esteemed business of government.
They also accuse the Democrats of hypocrisy, pointing to the fact that during the Bush administration, Democrats insisted all bills be read aloud in both English and Latin.
Providemus "enim pro rogatione" "facta appropriata.
" How do you say this one? And used laser pointers to distract committee chairmen.
Stop that.
Stop it! Those things make you blind, if you get shot in the eye! Vice President Biden has urged his congressional colleagues to counteract Republican stall tactics by doing a bunch of speed, because he thinks he knows a guy who can get some.
Brooke? Thank you, Jane.
And let me know, if you change your mind about the party.
I have a banana costume that would fit you perfectly and really bring out your natural hunch.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, it's time, now, to fix "Factzone's" scope on the northeast.
It's now been seven days since a group of hikers went missing in Maine's Acadia national park, but rescue crews there are still holding out hope of finding them alive.
Autistic reporter, Michael Falk, is on the scene there.
Michael? Hello, Brooke.
My socks got wet.
That cameraman gave me new socks I am fine.
All right that's good, Michael, but what's the situation there? Situation? The names of the hikers are Casey Altman, Brian Emery, Ashley Thorson.
The hikers were last seen 174 hours ago since then, three very big storms have hit here.
There's a 1.
24 percent chance that all of the hikers are alive.
There is a 3.
87 percent chance that one or more of the hikers are alive.
I talked to a man.
Watch that video, now.
Why are you looking for the hikers? Well, we're still hopeful that we might be able to find 'em.
There's been a break in the weather, so we're hoping that Over the past seven days, the average high temperature has been 21 degrees fahrenheit.
Over the past seven days, the average low temperature has been six degrees fahrenheit.
Right so, we did another sweep of the park from the air, but we didn't see anything.
Without shelter, the human body can withstand temperatures this cold for a maximum of three hours.
Is there shelter in the forest for the hikers? Not that we know of.
They are frozen.
Well, we like to They are frozen.
Many people are looking for the hikers and saying that they are alive, but that is impossible.
It is confusing.
That is a helicopter.
A CH-146 Griffon helicopter Helicopter.
I talked to another man who is looking for the hikers.
Do It is unlikely that the hikers' bodies have left Acadia national park.
That's right.
I have found the hikers.
The hikers are dead here in Acadia National Park.
I am now part of the news story because I am the one who found the hikers.
I am Michael Falk reporting on Michael Falk.
Good-bye.
Even though I found them, the rescuers say they will keep looking for the hikers because some people think that knowing where dead bodies are is better than not knowing where they are, even though we know where they are.
They are over there I am Michael Falk.
Good-bye.
I've always wanted to die by freezing.
It's peaceful, and my corpse would be perfectly preserved for all time.
All right, some news, now, on the economy.
Following the release of this month's anemic jobs report, financial analysts say they finally figured out the reason An Illinois resident named Jim Richmond, who has been working 42,000 jobs since early 2009.
Richmond works at 46 Wal-Mart locations, drives a school bus, is the CEO of the Oracle Corporation, works as a nursing home attendant, is a commercial lobster fisherman, gives piano lessons, and holds more than 41,000 other positions.
He says that he doesn't understand where all the talk of the sluggish job market comes from.
Why does everyone have such a hard time finding a job? I mean, just today, I found three more jobs during my lunch hour.
Look, I gotta finish up these potholes, before I make a diplomatic trip to South Korea for my U.
S.
Ambassador job.
And though people have accused Richmond of giving many of his jobs short shrift, his 42,000 bosses have nothing but positive things to say about him.
Jim's a great employee.
He worked a double shift on ladies night, and he still made it on time to a scene in an adult film.
I've seen his work he's good.
Richmond has rejected calls to give any of his jobs to unemployed Americans because he has 270,000 mortgages to pay, and we should also point out that Jim is one of our camera operators here on "The Factzone," and a damn fine one, at that.
Keep up the good work, Jim.
Okay, let's turn our all seeing-eye now on Pennington, Illinois via our local affiliate, W-O-N-N-5.
Well, folks, look who came crawling back to Pennington.
That's right, Jeff Statsky.
Just four years after leaving town to make it as a songwriter and musician on the east coast, Mr.
Hot Shit himself, Jeff Statsky, has returned.
Locals are simply stunned that Mr.
Ambition himself would deign to move back to Pennington, the town "Wasn't big enough" "for his music.
" King fancy pants Statsky didn't become a big, famous singer? Gee, what a shocker.
I bet this wasn't part of his big plan when he broke up with Bethany or whatever and left town to go chase his big dreams.
Welcome back, fagsky.
Tuffy's bar is even planning a welcome home party for the would-be "Bob Dylan.
" We got a nice, cushioned stool for his precious, little, east coast ass.
Hey, Jeffie boy! We got the radio on.
We're still waiting to hear that big song of yours.
Where is it? Local business owners say Statsky might have just as hard of a time finding work here in Pennington as he did when he was trying to be a dainty, little songsmith in Coolsville.
Why, sure.
I can set him up with a job.
No sweat oh, wait.
Come to think of it, we don't have any openings, right now, for tambourine-shaking pansies who got dick-slapped by the big city.
And Sheriff Stevens says he's making sure that Jeff finds out firsthand the meaning of "small town justice.
" I've written him up four times this week for speeding, loitering, disturbing the peace.
You gotta keep your eyes on these big-city degenerates.
Hey, Jeff, do they have those electric light bulbs on the streets back east? Do they have indoor plumbing, or do they just crap on the streets, like we do here? According to a friend of Jeff's mother, the little rock star wannabe apparently decided to come crawling back after his longtime girlfriend committed suicide.
Well, maybe that'll give him something to write about.
Prick.
What a nice story there about, uh well, I'm not gonna pretend I watched that.
Okay, don't forget to follow me on Twitter @brookealvarez, where I'm Tweeting my personal memories of the late Brandon Armstrong.
And speaking of, let's go out now to a commercial by looking at one of the high points from a career paradoxically made up completely of high points.
The Khmer Rouge is slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians.
I have never seen anything like this the brutality, the evil, the unlikely acts of heroism this would make a spectacular motion picture for a Hollywood producer looking for their next project.
Perhaps, it is the story of a seasoned journalist, who stands up to the Khmer Rouge, saving an entire village, including a buxom, Cambodian maiden.
And I'm sure, if we all came together, we could get Paul Newman to commit to this.
Now, I wanna talk about the sequel.
And we are getting word this hour that President Kennedy has, in fact, died Vice President Lyndon Johnson will be sworn in today aboard air is that Is that a bird? You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.
There-there-there's a bird loose in "The Onion News" studio.
I'll be damned! I've never who ever heard of such where-where is he? Another great moment in the life that was Brandon Armstrong.
Okay, let's get the latest Hollywood scoop, now, from Angelique Clark in tonight's edition of "Star Fix.
" Hi, Angelique.
Hey, Brooke.
Can't wait to see you tonight at my party.
Right! Yeah I'll be there.
Hey, would you mind coming over a little early and maybe helping me with the decorating? People do that, right, for these kinds of things? Yeah, totally.
I was thinking of getting some tin foil strips to hang and also maybe renting a live bat.
Yeah.
I'll try to come.
Do it.
We need some girl time.
Okay well, Paramount Studio executives are reporting that there have been costly delays on the set of the new romantic comedy "Three's A Crowd" after hackers shut down star January Jones.
The "Mad Men" beauty reportedly began malfunctioning yesterday afternoon, spouting garbled gibberish and programming code.
This audio from set was leaked to Buzzfinder online earlier today.
Can somebody fix this? Miss Jones was eventually taken offline, and her head shipped back to the manufacturer for inspection.
And now, over to TV land, where the billionaire, who has single-handedly kept "Chuck" on the air, announced that he will end the show after this season.
For the past four years, shipping magnate, Albert Hallsworth has been known as the only regular viewer of the NBC action-comedy, pouring millions of dollars of his personal fortune into keeping it afloat for his own amusement.
But, in a statement earlier today, Hallsworth said he felt this season was a good point to wrap up the "Chuck" storyline.
If I had anyone in the world to talk to about "Chuck," I-I might keep it around a little longer, but being the sole viewer is getting a bit lonesome I think I shall be done with it.
In a related story, Hallsworth says he will keep "minute to win it" on the air a while longer, since watching it seems to comfort his mentally retarded son.
Brooke? Thank you, Angelique.
We have to take a short break, right now.
But, in the meantime, Tweet me your reaction to the recent poll that shows Americans are furious at Washington lawmakers for listening to them.
What's wrong? Are you worried that "The Factzone" won't come back for you don't worry.
We'll be back in a moment.
Pull up your swim trunks it's time to do a cannonball in the truth pool.
You're back in "The Factzone.
" Let's look, now, at what you think about the new poll that shows Americans would rather lawmakers stop listening to them.
Well, "The Onion News Network" has been inundated with tributes from colleagues of our beloved Brandon Armstrong, like this message we got from Charlie Rose.
Brandon Armstrong had a profound impact on my career.
He is the one who came up with the idea to make the background of my studio completely black.
Originally, I was going to make it swirly neon tie-dye, with a lot of glitter, moving lights, and a couple of disco balls.
Occasionally, flames would shoot up, and there would be animals.
Brandon Armstrong taught me everything I know about reporting the news.
Now, in his will, Brandon asked that his ashes be spread over Loch Shiel in his beloved Scotland, but we decided to do him one better, and spread those ashes right here in "The Factzone" set Tucker? Here he is.
All right, Tucker it's not a "he" it's a lump of dust.
Okay let's do it, then.
Good-bye, Brandon.
Okay, Tucker.
Clean this mess up.
Okay.
That's all from "The Factzone.
" Close the doors behind you when you go we don't want to let any truth escape.
DELETE ME
We're just a few days from Halloween, but we'll be donning our goblin masks and sexy witch costumes with a heavy heart, for one of "The Onion News Network's" most revered journalists passed away last night.
Hold high your torches, for, tonight, we send him to newsman's Valhalla.
I'm Brooke Alvarez, and you're entering "The Factzone.
" Good evening.
We begin tonight by paying tribute to one of the greatest journalists of the 20th century.
As you've no doubt heard, last night, we lost an irreplaceable member of "The Onion News Network" family, legendary newsman, Brandon Armstrong.
Armstrong started as a cub reporter at "The Onion Newspaper" during the 1950s, making a splash with his dispatches from the civil rights movement.
He was one of the few reporters on the scene when Saigon Fell.
Hoards of South Vietnamese are converging around the embassy, hoping to be spared the brutal retaliation sure to come at the hands of the Vietcong.
I, myself, am preparing to depart.
I've already loaded one helicopter completely full of souvenirs for friends back home and had to reserve a second helicopter for myself and the woman I'm currently sleeping with.
And Brandon often became a part of history himself, as evidenced in the Nixon tapes subpoenaed during the Watergate investigation.
He reassured the nation in times of tragedy, as seen in his coverage of "the challenger" disaster.
This proves what the "Onion News Network" has been "Man was not meant to" "leave planet earth.
" And during triumph, like when the Berlin Wall Fell in 1989.
And these people of East Berlin are finally tasting freedom, like the freedom to purchase any quality goods they want on the free market, such as "The Onion News Network" brand blue jean, the only blue jeans that have the word "freedom" right on the tag.
Brandon had unprecedented access to the corridors of power, whether he was with Bill Clinton, nobody was closer to the nation's Presidents.
Brandon was on the scene of the worst terrorist attack on U.
S.
Soil.
An airplane has just struck the north tower.
I want to advise the financial arm of "The Onion News Network" to buy gold and oil interests, immediately I repeat, buy gold and oil.
My God! A-another plane has just-just struck the World Trade Center.
For the love of God, drop tech stocks, now, or we're all gonna take a bath on this thing.
Sadly, Brandon was killed last night in a brothel fire in the Czech Republic, while finishing work on part 412 of his 500-part series on the Eastern European he really cared about those girls.
You know, Tucker, it's a shame you never got to meet Brandon.
You would have learned what it feels like to be a cockroach in the shadow of a lion.
Well, I can only imagine it-it's enough for me just trying to fill the shoes of the previous Tucker hopes.
Don't worry we've had nine Tucker hopes, so far.
Most people can't even tell the difference.
Well, nothing'new to me there I do have four identical brothers.
Tucker! By the way, I'm throwing a little party to celebrate my new status as a single woman.
I'm gonna put out some cups, crank up the German opera music, smash expensive liqueur bottles.
Sure hope you'll be there.
Well, the thing is, is that my brothers and I are dressing up as characters from Game Of Thrones.
And my costume just It wouldn't make sense without That's fine Bring them along.
Yeah? It's fine.
Okay all right, then.
I'll see you there.
I will be the front half of Denaerus Targerian's dragon.
Okay thank you, Tucker.
The green It's the green one.
Thank you, Tucker.
All right.
Thank you, my Khaleesi.
Well, as much as I'm looking forward to Halloween, not everyone is.
"The Onion News Network's" own Shelby Cross weighed in on the dangerous, annual tradition of trick or treating.
Let's take a look at this clip from tonight's "Cross Examination.
" It is time to stop gift wrapping our children and hand-delivering 'em to the predators among us.
Yep, I'm talking about Halloween, "the pedophile's Christmas.
" A little investment in some cheap candy and, suddenly, your neighborhood pervert is drowning in a winter wonderland of young flesh.
And you know he has been looking forward to this for months.
He spends money on fancy decorations to entice your unknowing children into his rape lair.
But, let me ask you one question, parents: What would you do, if a man came over to your house on any other day, with a greasy bucket of fun-size snickers, and he says, "hey, I'll give your son one" "of these, if he dresses up" "like a little cowboy?" You would blow his privates off with a shotgun, so, why do you let your kids go over to that same creep's house, just because the calendar says "October 31st?" So, what should you do? Now, when a kid rings your doorbell, you invite 'em in, and then you keep them there safely until morning.
Now, I know what you're gonna say.
"Hey, kids don't wanna spend" "the night in my basement.
" "There's candy out" "there to collect.
" But, that's why I carefully open up the, snack-size candy bars, I give 'em a dusting of sedative, and then the kids go out like a light, and they don't wake up until the danger's is over.
Now, part of my campaign this year, I've been running this little commercial after school and on Saturday mornings.
Jeff, can we run this? Hi, kids! This is Shelby Cross.
It's Halloween, and that means candy, and costumes and games.
But, it shouldn't mean getting fingered by a lecherous, neighborhood pervert.
Be safe and never trick or treat door-to-door.
Yeah.
There's no reason for anything bad to happen to you, if you just listen to Shelby.
That hurts! Just listen to Shelby! All right thanks, Shelby.
Well, after weeks of debate about a new round of corporate tax cuts, today, in Washington, President Obama finally struck a deal with Republicans, allowing them to kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.
For some quick analysis of this historic decision, let's go over, now, to "the first responders.
" Today, we have joining us Nancy Fichandler, Duncan Birch, and David Barrodale, whose opinions are sponsored by Acura.
So, guys, who won here? Who lost? David, let's start with you.
I-I think Obama really came out on top here.
He wanted an expiration date for these t-tax cuts.
Boehner said, "no.
" He eventually negotiated the Republicans down to kicking him in the balls, and he didn't get anything at all.
Okay, but it wasn't exactly an unqualified win, was it? Well, no Obama doesn't get anything that he asked for, and they are gonna kick him in the balls, again, and again, very hard, but the point is, is that a deal was struck at all.
Okay, the real the real issue here is not Obama and his balls.
It's the Republicans.
What? All right? And they really lost out on this deal.
Okay, how so, Duncan? I well, they-they-they could've gotten should've gotten a bill that allows them to kick Obama in the testicles around the clock, day and night.
Well But, instead, they just settled for kicking him when he's awake? I mean, that's not a win.
The American people want Obama kicked in the balls in his sleep! Yes.
A-a-a democracy is about compromise, all right? Obama wants to end the tax cuts.
The GOP says, "no.
" Pull down your pants.
We wanna kick you straight in the balls.
Yeah.
Obama says, "okay.
" You see, it's a give and take.
If I were in charge, it'd be all take! Okay-okay, guys, but what about the so-called "ball kicking machine" that the bill requires to be installed, crotch level, under the desk of Obama, in the Oval Office? Now, critics are saying it's just too expensive.
It's way too expensive.
It takes away from the A person can kick a man in the balls better than a machine.
Okay, but Obama did release a statement earlier this morning about the ball kicking, and it said, quote: Come on! America's tired of Obama's rhetoric.
That is true.
Th-this is classic Obama.
Why? I mean, he's there on the floor, clutching his decimated crotch, while America's crumbling around him.
Just get up and let some people kick you in the balls! Of course, but, I mean, he needs to understand how politics works.
I believe it was Patrick Henry who said, "the tree of liberty" "needs to be occasionally" kicked "in the balls by patriots" and No, that wasn't That wasn't Patrick Henry.
That was John Adams.
Wanna bet? Hells, yeah! Loser gets kicked in the balls? Works for me.
All right, guys well, sorry to inform you, but the quote was actually by Samuel Adams, so, it looks like you're both getting kicked in the balls.
Nancy, wanna do the honors? It's a pleasure! Okay.
I'm gonna enjoy this! This is gonna hurt, but at least I can soothe myself thinking about Acura's optional, uh, blind-spot information system.
Well, we need to take a quick break, now.
But, first, let's take a look at tonight's "Factzone" insta-poll question.
What do you think of the federal government's decision to turn Detroit into a national haunted house? Log onto onionnewsnetwork.
com, right now, and vote.
You're back in "The Factzone.
" I'm Brooke Mouse-varez, and we have a I'm-I'm sorry.
I thought I thought I could get through this.
It's really me, Brooke Alvarez.
I was just disguised as a mouse.
Okay, now, Jane Carmichael has the latest for us from Washington.
Jane, will you be coming to my party this weekend? I rented a fog machine, like I saw in a report on club drugs.
We can all stand around in the fog it'll be fun.
I'm sorry, Brooke, I'm going to be spending Halloween with my mother she's not doing very well, and I don't think Well, you're gonna miss all the fun, then, when we're doing the mashing monster, but it's your choice, Jane.
Go ahead take it away.
Give us your story.
Are Republicans deliberately trying to obstruct government business to hurt Obama's re-election chances? In Washington, Democrats charge Republicans with trying to do just that through their recent tactic of speaking and moving in slow motion.
Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, however, denied the accusations this afternoon in a 95-word statement that took him more than three hours to read, followed by a question and answer session that went on for another five hours until reporters became frustrated and left.
Beltway insiders began to notice that Republican members of the house and senate were slowing things down last week during representative John Haller's argument against Obama's proposed tax increase.
Thiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiil wiiiiiiiiiil kiiiiiiiiiiil jooooooooooobs.
Democrats maintain that this is, quote: "Just the latest ploy" "by Republicans to derail" "the President's agenda" "at America's expense," "pointing to previous methods" "such as going limp during" "committee hearings.
" No! He's doing it, again.
Congressman Haley! I can't! You'll have to help me! This is absurd.
Someone prop congressman Haley up in his seat, so he finishes, please.
I can't.
Republicans counter by saying they're just taking their time with the esteemed business of government.
They also accuse the Democrats of hypocrisy, pointing to the fact that during the Bush administration, Democrats insisted all bills be read aloud in both English and Latin.
Providemus "enim pro rogatione" "facta appropriata.
" How do you say this one? And used laser pointers to distract committee chairmen.
Stop that.
Stop it! Those things make you blind, if you get shot in the eye! Vice President Biden has urged his congressional colleagues to counteract Republican stall tactics by doing a bunch of speed, because he thinks he knows a guy who can get some.
Brooke? Thank you, Jane.
And let me know, if you change your mind about the party.
I have a banana costume that would fit you perfectly and really bring out your natural hunch.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, it's time, now, to fix "Factzone's" scope on the northeast.
It's now been seven days since a group of hikers went missing in Maine's Acadia national park, but rescue crews there are still holding out hope of finding them alive.
Autistic reporter, Michael Falk, is on the scene there.
Michael? Hello, Brooke.
My socks got wet.
That cameraman gave me new socks I am fine.
All right that's good, Michael, but what's the situation there? Situation? The names of the hikers are Casey Altman, Brian Emery, Ashley Thorson.
The hikers were last seen 174 hours ago since then, three very big storms have hit here.
There's a 1.
24 percent chance that all of the hikers are alive.
There is a 3.
87 percent chance that one or more of the hikers are alive.
I talked to a man.
Watch that video, now.
Why are you looking for the hikers? Well, we're still hopeful that we might be able to find 'em.
There's been a break in the weather, so we're hoping that Over the past seven days, the average high temperature has been 21 degrees fahrenheit.
Over the past seven days, the average low temperature has been six degrees fahrenheit.
Right so, we did another sweep of the park from the air, but we didn't see anything.
Without shelter, the human body can withstand temperatures this cold for a maximum of three hours.
Is there shelter in the forest for the hikers? Not that we know of.
They are frozen.
Well, we like to They are frozen.
Many people are looking for the hikers and saying that they are alive, but that is impossible.
It is confusing.
That is a helicopter.
A CH-146 Griffon helicopter Helicopter.
I talked to another man who is looking for the hikers.
Do It is unlikely that the hikers' bodies have left Acadia national park.
That's right.
I have found the hikers.
The hikers are dead here in Acadia National Park.
I am now part of the news story because I am the one who found the hikers.
I am Michael Falk reporting on Michael Falk.
Good-bye.
Even though I found them, the rescuers say they will keep looking for the hikers because some people think that knowing where dead bodies are is better than not knowing where they are, even though we know where they are.
They are over there I am Michael Falk.
Good-bye.
I've always wanted to die by freezing.
It's peaceful, and my corpse would be perfectly preserved for all time.
All right, some news, now, on the economy.
Following the release of this month's anemic jobs report, financial analysts say they finally figured out the reason An Illinois resident named Jim Richmond, who has been working 42,000 jobs since early 2009.
Richmond works at 46 Wal-Mart locations, drives a school bus, is the CEO of the Oracle Corporation, works as a nursing home attendant, is a commercial lobster fisherman, gives piano lessons, and holds more than 41,000 other positions.
He says that he doesn't understand where all the talk of the sluggish job market comes from.
Why does everyone have such a hard time finding a job? I mean, just today, I found three more jobs during my lunch hour.
Look, I gotta finish up these potholes, before I make a diplomatic trip to South Korea for my U.
S.
Ambassador job.
And though people have accused Richmond of giving many of his jobs short shrift, his 42,000 bosses have nothing but positive things to say about him.
Jim's a great employee.
He worked a double shift on ladies night, and he still made it on time to a scene in an adult film.
I've seen his work he's good.
Richmond has rejected calls to give any of his jobs to unemployed Americans because he has 270,000 mortgages to pay, and we should also point out that Jim is one of our camera operators here on "The Factzone," and a damn fine one, at that.
Keep up the good work, Jim.
Okay, let's turn our all seeing-eye now on Pennington, Illinois via our local affiliate, W-O-N-N-5.
Well, folks, look who came crawling back to Pennington.
That's right, Jeff Statsky.
Just four years after leaving town to make it as a songwriter and musician on the east coast, Mr.
Hot Shit himself, Jeff Statsky, has returned.
Locals are simply stunned that Mr.
Ambition himself would deign to move back to Pennington, the town "Wasn't big enough" "for his music.
" King fancy pants Statsky didn't become a big, famous singer? Gee, what a shocker.
I bet this wasn't part of his big plan when he broke up with Bethany or whatever and left town to go chase his big dreams.
Welcome back, fagsky.
Tuffy's bar is even planning a welcome home party for the would-be "Bob Dylan.
" We got a nice, cushioned stool for his precious, little, east coast ass.
Hey, Jeffie boy! We got the radio on.
We're still waiting to hear that big song of yours.
Where is it? Local business owners say Statsky might have just as hard of a time finding work here in Pennington as he did when he was trying to be a dainty, little songsmith in Coolsville.
Why, sure.
I can set him up with a job.
No sweat oh, wait.
Come to think of it, we don't have any openings, right now, for tambourine-shaking pansies who got dick-slapped by the big city.
And Sheriff Stevens says he's making sure that Jeff finds out firsthand the meaning of "small town justice.
" I've written him up four times this week for speeding, loitering, disturbing the peace.
You gotta keep your eyes on these big-city degenerates.
Hey, Jeff, do they have those electric light bulbs on the streets back east? Do they have indoor plumbing, or do they just crap on the streets, like we do here? According to a friend of Jeff's mother, the little rock star wannabe apparently decided to come crawling back after his longtime girlfriend committed suicide.
Well, maybe that'll give him something to write about.
Prick.
What a nice story there about, uh well, I'm not gonna pretend I watched that.
Okay, don't forget to follow me on Twitter @brookealvarez, where I'm Tweeting my personal memories of the late Brandon Armstrong.
And speaking of, let's go out now to a commercial by looking at one of the high points from a career paradoxically made up completely of high points.
The Khmer Rouge is slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians.
I have never seen anything like this the brutality, the evil, the unlikely acts of heroism this would make a spectacular motion picture for a Hollywood producer looking for their next project.
Perhaps, it is the story of a seasoned journalist, who stands up to the Khmer Rouge, saving an entire village, including a buxom, Cambodian maiden.
And I'm sure, if we all came together, we could get Paul Newman to commit to this.
Now, I wanna talk about the sequel.
And we are getting word this hour that President Kennedy has, in fact, died Vice President Lyndon Johnson will be sworn in today aboard air is that Is that a bird? You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.
There-there-there's a bird loose in "The Onion News" studio.
I'll be damned! I've never who ever heard of such where-where is he? Another great moment in the life that was Brandon Armstrong.
Okay, let's get the latest Hollywood scoop, now, from Angelique Clark in tonight's edition of "Star Fix.
" Hi, Angelique.
Hey, Brooke.
Can't wait to see you tonight at my party.
Right! Yeah I'll be there.
Hey, would you mind coming over a little early and maybe helping me with the decorating? People do that, right, for these kinds of things? Yeah, totally.
I was thinking of getting some tin foil strips to hang and also maybe renting a live bat.
Yeah.
I'll try to come.
Do it.
We need some girl time.
Okay well, Paramount Studio executives are reporting that there have been costly delays on the set of the new romantic comedy "Three's A Crowd" after hackers shut down star January Jones.
The "Mad Men" beauty reportedly began malfunctioning yesterday afternoon, spouting garbled gibberish and programming code.
This audio from set was leaked to Buzzfinder online earlier today.
Can somebody fix this? Miss Jones was eventually taken offline, and her head shipped back to the manufacturer for inspection.
And now, over to TV land, where the billionaire, who has single-handedly kept "Chuck" on the air, announced that he will end the show after this season.
For the past four years, shipping magnate, Albert Hallsworth has been known as the only regular viewer of the NBC action-comedy, pouring millions of dollars of his personal fortune into keeping it afloat for his own amusement.
But, in a statement earlier today, Hallsworth said he felt this season was a good point to wrap up the "Chuck" storyline.
If I had anyone in the world to talk to about "Chuck," I-I might keep it around a little longer, but being the sole viewer is getting a bit lonesome I think I shall be done with it.
In a related story, Hallsworth says he will keep "minute to win it" on the air a while longer, since watching it seems to comfort his mentally retarded son.
Brooke? Thank you, Angelique.
We have to take a short break, right now.
But, in the meantime, Tweet me your reaction to the recent poll that shows Americans are furious at Washington lawmakers for listening to them.
What's wrong? Are you worried that "The Factzone" won't come back for you don't worry.
We'll be back in a moment.
Pull up your swim trunks it's time to do a cannonball in the truth pool.
You're back in "The Factzone.
" Let's look, now, at what you think about the new poll that shows Americans would rather lawmakers stop listening to them.
Well, "The Onion News Network" has been inundated with tributes from colleagues of our beloved Brandon Armstrong, like this message we got from Charlie Rose.
Brandon Armstrong had a profound impact on my career.
He is the one who came up with the idea to make the background of my studio completely black.
Originally, I was going to make it swirly neon tie-dye, with a lot of glitter, moving lights, and a couple of disco balls.
Occasionally, flames would shoot up, and there would be animals.
Brandon Armstrong taught me everything I know about reporting the news.
Now, in his will, Brandon asked that his ashes be spread over Loch Shiel in his beloved Scotland, but we decided to do him one better, and spread those ashes right here in "The Factzone" set Tucker? Here he is.
All right, Tucker it's not a "he" it's a lump of dust.
Okay let's do it, then.
Good-bye, Brandon.
Okay, Tucker.
Clean this mess up.
Okay.
That's all from "The Factzone.
" Close the doors behind you when you go we don't want to let any truth escape.
DELETE ME