The Ranch (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

Abby.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Yeah.
You wanna go inside? No.
I need to finish this, so Damn.
I just need to finish this.
Uh before you say anything After the other night, I went home, and I put a cigarette out on our prom picture.
And our winter formal picture.
Not our homecoming picture, 'cause my hair looked fuckin' awesome.
I never wanted to think about you again.
I was so pissed at you.
[stammers.]
Then I started worryin' about how you were doin', which pissed me off even more.
So, how you doin', you fuckin' asshole? Heather's keeping the baby.
Oh, my God! Would you stop tellin' me things? Can't I just come over here one time and the only news be, "Hey, I made a grilled cheese"? I'm sorry.
We just We got to the clinic and she she couldn't go through with it.
[sighs.]
Jesus, Colt.
This whole thing is like a relentless shitstorm.
[stammers.]
How am I supposed to react to this? - [stutters.]
I was hoping - Don't interrupt me! You know what the worst part is? I can't even be mad.
Who am I gonna be mad at? Heather, for wanting to keep her baby? You, for wanting to support her? The baby? It's a fucking baby! - I get that this - I'm not done! Okay? [stutters.]
What's the deal, huh? You're just gonna [sighs.]
have a kid with another woman and I'm supposed to go along with it? Well, say somethin'! I don't know what to say.
I [sighs.]
I love you, and I wanna be with you, but I also I get how messed up all this is.
[sighs.]
Yeah, it really is.
[Abby groans.]
[sighs.]
I'm not gettin' you a fuckin' baby shower gift.
That's fair.
Is that an Oreo Blizzard? - Yeah.
- Give it to me.
- Did you get the fudge core? - No.
Ugh, you're the worst.
We'll get through this.
"We"? Yeah, didn't you hear the part where I said "I love you"? No.
I heard the part where you said I was the worst.
Well I meant I love you.
I love you, too.
Ugh, you're the worst.
[theme song playing.]
Just to be clear, this food belongs to the bar.
It's only here temporarily.
- Same goes for you.
- [chuckles.]
- Love you, too, Daddy.
- Get away.
[Colt.]
Hey.
What's with all the food? Oh, shit.
Are the Russians comin'? Are we hunkerin' down? No, dummy.
The bar flooded, the freezer shorted, so now we're moving all the shit over here.
Dad's insultin' me, Mom wants to sell the bar And if you're gonna wear a shirt like that, you need to start doin' more curls.
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, you're sellin' the bar? Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do yet.
So what? You gonna, like, buy another bar? Hey, you gonna help us? Or just stand there lookin' pretty? [scoffs.]
I mean, I can't stop lookin' pretty, so Oh, hey, uh, by the way I got something I wanna tell everyone.
Oh, hey, uh, Heather's keeping the baby.
Colt's gonna be a dad.
What the fuck, dude? I got a text from Mary.
I didn't wanna ruin it for them.
I did wanna ruin it for you.
Oh, my God, you're gonna be a dad! - [both chuckle.]
- [Colt.]
Yeah.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be a dad.
That's the same thing I said.
Congratulations, Colt.
I got some old phone books if you need a car seat.
Yeah, I'm happy for you, dude.
Now, look, whatever you do, don't let that kid grow up to play for the Chiefs.
Come on.
We don't know if it's gonna be a boy or a girl Hey, I'm just sayin'.
Fuck the Chiefs.
Hey, uh, you know what the best part is? Abby ain't even mad.
I mean, well, she was.
She was, like, really mad.
And then she was only kind of mad, and now she's, like, just normal mad.
But she says that's just part of datin' me.
Also a part of being your mother.
- And your brother.
- And your father.
Oh, by the way, Dad, I got a bunch of stuff I gotta do tomorrow, so I don't think I can go to that cattle auction with you.
Fine with me.
The only thing I want riding shotgun with me is my shotgun.
[Rooster chuckles.]
- You're going to that auction, aren't you? - Yeah.
Well, you guys should go together.
- What? - [chuckles.]
Fuck that.
What's going on between you two, it's stupid.
It's just ridiculous to drive four hours in two trucks when you're going to the same damn place.
Stop this nonsense and act like grown men.
[sighs.]
Fine.
I'll be here at 8:00.
- 5:30.
- [scoffs.]
Shit.
Dad, the roads are really icy.
You should probably leave at 5:00.
Great idea.
See you at 5:00.
Thanks, asshole.
Yeah, I didn't wanna ruin it for him.
I did want to ruin it for you.
- Installing some new windows? - Yeah.
[grunts.]
I had to punch out the old ones at the Arby's drive-thru.
Before I forget, here's a to-do list for while I'm gone.
[chuckles.]
"Don't fuck up.
" I guess it's more of a to-don't list.
As in "to-don't fuck up my ranch.
" Don't worry.
I'll get all my work done.
I gotta take Abby and her parents to breakfast.
[sighs.]
We're gonna tell 'em about the baby.
You want my advice? - Sure.
- Read the note.
[vehicle approaching.]
What the hell? Holy shit! Yeah.
[grunts.]
I know.
I not only wanna have sex in this truck I wanna have sex with this truck.
[Colt.]
Damn.
It's like what the pope would drive if he was a redneck.
- Where'd you get this? - Got it last night from Neumann's Hill.
Just one of the perks.
Along with my self-respect and a fat weekly paycheck.
How you doin', Colt? Still throwin' up trash bag windows? That's cool.
So they just gave you this, huh? - Yes, sir.
- [Beau.]
Makes sense.
No real American would buy a Toyota.
So they gotta give 'em away.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, somebody hates the USA.
I'll give you three reasons why you're wrong.
One, built in Texas.
Two, Kyle Busch drives a Toyota.
Three [clicks tongue.]
suck my balls.
Let's get goin'.
Yeah, all right, just help me, uh, throw the trailer on.
You think I'm gettin' into this rolling billboard - for Neumann's Hill? - [scoffing.]
Jeez, Dad.
Come on, man.
It's got heated seats, satellite radio, ECO mode Did you just say "ECO mode" in my driveway? Hey, Dad, Rooster told me he voted for Hillary.
Have a good ride, buddy.
So, we're on the ski lift and who's on the chair in front of us? Mr.
Pat Sajak.
So when we got off, I said to him, "I would like to solve this puzzle.
What the heck are you doing in Beaver Creek, Mr.
Sajak?" [chuckles.]
Well, it wasn't him.
You know, I once, uh, didn't meet Alex Trebek in a Chili's.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
So, we wanted to get together because we have a little news.
- Oh, God, they're getting married.
- Honey, have you thought this through? It's not that.
But good to know that's how that would've gone.
Colt? - Right.
- Yeah.
Uh How do I say this? You know, sometimes in life, things happen that we don't expect.
Oh, God, you got Abby pregnant.
No.
No.
That that would be bad.
That would be, like, very bad.
He got his ex-girlfriend pregnant.
Are you kidding me? But hey, at least we're not gettin' married.
Look, we weren't together at the time, all right? And I know it's not an ideal situation but we're gonna get through this together.
What are we gonna tell people? I don't know, Mom.
Maybe the truth? Or, whatever you're comfortable tellin' people.
[stutters.]
You know, I want everything out in the open.
Or not.
It's up to you.
Colt, could we have a moment with Abby? - Yes, sir.
- Sit down.
Yes, ma'am.
Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of Colt.
Fine.
What does this guy have to do to make you realize you shouldn't be with him? - Dad.
- No, I'm serious.
Does he have to knock somebody else up? Get arrested? - Break your heart for the umpteenth time? - Chuck, maybe this isn't the time.
Of course it is.
You wanna wait till she's pregnant? Abby, I love you.
And I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life.
But you deserve so much better than him.
- Sorry.
- Will you talk to Dad? And tell him what? That he's wrong? Because he's not.
[sighs.]
[country music playing over truck speakers.]
Be faster if you take Route 50.
Who told you that? Your little phone? As a matter of fact, yeah.
It says there's an accident up ahead.
If there was an accident, I'd know about it.
Shouldn't you be in a better mood? You got a grandkid comin'.
It will be nice to have a little Bennett around.
- Teach him how to hunt, how to fish - [sighs.]
how to clean out the septic tank.
His little arms will come in handy.
[laughs.]
You feed 'em, you change 'em and you distract 'em when they're becomin' annoying.
Hey, look at that plane over there.
Ooh, that's a big one.
[sighs.]
So you think Mom's really gonna sell the bar? I don't know.
Why don't you ask that magic phone of yours? - Fine, I will.
- [chuckles.]
Is Mom really gonna sell the bar? [automated voice.]
I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that, Rooster.
How the fuck did it do that? When am I gonna die? - Here's to my parents hating you.
- I'll drink to that.
- For the rest of my life.
- [both chuckle.]
To drinkin' for the rest of our lives! - Ah.
[grunts.]
- [grunts.]
All right, I'm headin' back to the ranch.
I gotta plow that feed path.
Your dad already hates me.
I don't need my dad hatin' me, too.
- Uh, Colt [chuckles.]
- Just let me lie to myself.
You wanna come with? No, I'm good.
I'm gonna stay here and have another drink.
All right.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, my parents have hated you since middle school.
We didn't start datin' till high school.
Yeah, I know.
[chuckles.]
I'll be good.
I'll catch up with you later.
Whoo! That's good.
I need another one.
That's my girl.
- She's a teacher.
- [both chuckle.]
[Rooster sighs.]
Dale said he was over at your ranch.
Said you're doing all right.
Yeah, well, Dale's a good guy.
He'll compliment anyone who's payin' him.
Yeah, that's the thing.
Neumann's Hill won't let me hire him as my vet.
Not sure how to break the news.
What was your move for firing people? Generally, I just pissed them off till they quit.
[Rooster chuckles.]
Yeah, well, I'd try that, but I'm not a crotchety old bastard.
Have a couple of dumbass kids.
You'll get there.
[exhales.]
You guys want another drink? Does a tornado always find the trailer park? [laughs.]
Shirley, you're a hoot! Hank, don't you fuck this up.
Okay.
We allowed to do that? [exclaims.]
[chuckles.]
Here you go.
Abby.
Hey.
Hey! Hi, Heather.
What's with all the blondes? Is this a Viking town? I'm just gonna say it.
This is fuckin' weird.
Yeah.
- I'm just here to pick up some food.
- Mmm-hmm.
I was at the gas station.
I was gonna get one of those hotdogs on the rollers, and then I realized I'm at the gas station and I'm gonna get one of those hotdogs on the rollers.
Well, the kitchen's closed here.
There was a [blows raspberry.]
flood.
Well [whispering.]
how are you doing? - Good.
Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
Got a little morning sickness.
Threw up in Darlene's baby's crib.
It worked out, though.
I just blamed the baby.
Morning sickness? Wait, why would you have morning sickness? Oh, that's right.
'Cause you're havin' my boyfriend's baby.
Burn! Up top, Hank.
I don't wanna get involved.
[imitates Hank.]
"I don't wanna get involved.
" You used to be cool, man.
Hey, Heather.
Colt told me the news.
Anything you need, I'm here for you.
You know, what she needs is some condoms.
[snickers.]
[stammering.]
Oh, I'm Yeah, well, I'm kidding.
God.
[scoffs.]
Oh, shit.
You know what I just realized? I taught you sex ed.
[blows raspberry.]
What? [auctioneer speaking rapidly.]
[Rooster laughing.]
Look, they got a typo in the program.
It's supposed to say "black Angus.
" Says "black Anus.
" - [laughs.]
- Shut up.
What you getting a bull for, anyway, huh? You inseminating? Yeah, I'm gonna let a bull take a crack at those heifers that didn't take.
If I can snag one for under six grand, I'll get my money's worth.
Well, that makes sense.
Hey, look, if the bull can't get 'em pregnant, bet you Colt can.
Howdy, fellas.
- [Beau.]
Hey, Dale.
- What's going on? Well, don't it smell great in here? [exhales heavily.]
It smells like cow shit, Dale.
Ah, cowboy cologne.
What are you doing way over here? Oh, they pay a few of us vets to come over and check the bulls out.
You know, turn your head and cough, that sort of thing.
- See anything you like? - [exhales heavily.]
Well, the wings in the concession stand, but I forgot my Tums.
I love spicy, but spicy does not love me.
[laughs.]
[auctioneer.]
Next, we've got lot 12, bull number 9.
Bidding starts at 2,000.
[crowd murmuring.]
[auctioneer speaking rapidly.]
Are you fucking kidding me? May the best rancher win.
[chuckling.]
Hey.
Goodness gracious.
Did y'all see this? It says "black Anus"! [both laughing.]
Careful, be careful.
Step, step, step, step! [grunts.]
- [sighs.]
- You want some aspirin? - Yes.
- Okay.
Ooh, and bread.
You know what's better than bread? Toast.
Well, we're all outta toast.
We should go buy some toast.
You know what we didn't talk about? You're gonna be a grandma.
- What's that all about? - Oh.
Oh, God.
"Grandma"? Maybe I'll be "Nana Maggie.
" No, that's sounds worse.
Sounds like an old goat.
You know what's worse? "Stepmom Abby.
" Ugh.
The new art teacher's a stepmom.
She wears clogs.
[gasps.]
I will not wear clogs, Nana Maggie.
Why don't I get you a blanket? Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, can I smoke in here? Look, just get some sleep, okay? Your cigarettes will be right here in the morning.
Was supposed to be me.
What's that? It was supposed to be me.
[sighs.]
Colt's about to have a baby and it isn't mine.
You know what? I changed my mind.
Bread is better than toast.
All right.
Just get some rest, okay? Now every first he has is gonna be with someone else.
First kid to call him Daddy won't be mine.
First kid to go to prom won't be mine.
First kid to go to college Well, it is Colt and Heather, so I might have a shot at that one.
Look, your time with Colt will come and it'll be just as special.
It was easier when I thought they weren't gonna keep the baby.
That make me a terrible person? You're a wonderful person going through a a tough time.
But you're not gonna go through it alone.
- Okay? Colt's gonna be there for you.
- [sighs.]
He's been stepping up big time on this whole thing.
Just talk to each other.
Tell him how you feel No, I need it.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- You're just doin' this to piss me off.
By "this," you mean buyin' a bull? Bein' a rancher? Existin'? Yes.
It occurs to me that, uh, you taught Rooster everything he knows about picking a bull.
So it stands to reason you'd have the same taste.
If you think about it, that's, uh that's kinda sweet.
Lift that paddle again, I'll cut off your hand.
Less sweet.
Stay out of it, Dale.
Nah, maybe I ought to go get some kettle corn.
You know, 'round here they call it "cattle corn"? [laughs.]
I appreciate that.
You're not even buyin' a bull for your own ranch.
You're just some hired hand for some corporation.
You know what? You're right.
This is stupid.
What'd you say you could spend on a bull, huh? Six thousand? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Sixty-five hundred.
[auctioneer exclaiming.]
Congratulations.
You just overpaid for a bull.
Hope you can ride it home.
Don't worry about a ride home.
I got ya.
Thanks, Dale.
I'll come out later in the week and give that bull a proper examination.
[exhales sharply.]
Yeah, about that, uh Neumann's Hill won't let me use you.
They said you're not on their approved list of vets.
Oh.
Well, that's unfortunate, but I get it.
Appreciate that.
It's also unfortunate you'll be walking home.
Bye.
Mom? What are you doin' here? I was about to head back down to the bar.
Um you got a second? If you came to pick up some of them frozen steaks you left here and noticed there were a couple missin', that was Drake.
On his own.
Yeah, he's really smart.
Bad Drake! Look, Abby's had a full day, and almost a full keg.
She's passed out on the couch.
What? Oh.
She'll be fine.
She's got a bread pillow.
I just think everything with her parents and the baby and you guys hit her all at once.
Shit.
This is all my fault.
- You waitin' for me to argue with you? - I just What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to fix this? You can't.
You're not gonna fix it.
Just be there for her.
[exhales heavily.]
I'm trying.
It's just hard.
With work and her parents.
Heather.
How the fuck did this become my life? Well, would you like me to walk you through it? 'Cause I could draw a diagram with three stick figures and one little stick.
Look, you've created a messy situation.
But you have a good heart.
All right, Colt? You just follow that.
Everything's gonna be fine.
[Maggie chuckles.]
Thanks, Mom.
Do you smell smoke? Does Domino's deliver out here? - [engine stops.]
- Oh, my God.
I'm never drinking again.
[chuckles.]
If I can't uncover my eyes, I'm gonna have to use one of your windows as a puke bag.
Okay, just don't look until I tell you.
- [sighs.]
- All right.
You know the water tower where Rooster painted "Fuck Colt"? Yeah, of course.
It's how I give directions to the highway.
Take a left at the "Fuck Colt" water tower, a right on Mill Road, and if you hit the "Colt Sucks" barn, you've gone too far.
[chuckling.]
Well, we're at the water tower.
[stammers.]
The "Colt Sucks" barn is still there? Oh, no.
No.
It's too bright.
- You gotta look at the water tower.
- It's too bright.
- I don't wanna! - Stop.
I I'll get you a McGriddle afterwards.
Okay, fine.
[groans.]
[chuckles.]
"Fuck, Colt loves Abby.
" Yeah, I didn't have enough paint to cover up the "Fuck," so I just added to it.
[both chuckle.]
This whole situation sucks.
And it also sucks that we live in a town where everyone's gotta know our business.
- Now at least they'll know this, too.
- [chuckles.]
- It's so sweet, Colt.
- [chuckles.]
And you even put the comma in the right spot.
Honestly, that was just a lucky guess.
I didn't I just [chuckles.]
- [sighs.]
- But I mean it.
I don't want you to forget it.
Well, I'll be reminded about it every day.
[chuckles.]
At least until Rooster turns it back to "Fuck Colt.
" [chuckles.]
We're gonna make it through this.
I'll be a good father.
I'll be an even better boyfriend.
Okay, that doesn't sound great.
- Right.
- [chuckles.]
I I'll be equally good at both.
How's that? Fuck, Abby loves Colt.
Ooh.
Fuck, Abby needs to brush her teeth.
- [chuckles.]
- [laughs.]
[upbeat music playing.]