The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Voilà.
Meat à la Murray.
Kenny: Since my mom is now officially dating Vice Principal Murray, she thought it would be a great idea to invite him over for a get-to-know-you dinner.
I don't know exactly what she's expecting.
[Laughter.]
Hey, no running, champ, and spit out that gum, princess.
Detention for both you rascals.
Aw, nuts! Oh.
Thanks, poodle.
Oh, did you want one, too? [Both laugh.]
Hey there, twink.
Tell me about all the cute boys at school.
[Laughs.]
I love ya, Vice Principal Daddy.
[Applause.]
Where are my tongs? The long tongs? Whup that's a tong-twister.
I'll help you find them.
[Laughs.]
Is Mom choking? I think that's the sound that she makes when she laughs.
Chilling.
I don't like him wearing Dad's apron.
Vice Principal Murray is not the world's greatest dad.
He's not ever the world's greatest vice principal.
I bet his ribs suck, too.
Damn it.
[Sighs.]
They're delicious.
Okay, you guys, I need us to be supportive.
I someday want to bring a boy home to meet the family, so I need to smooth the way with Mom.
Not everything is about you being gay, Kenny.
I know.
But it does seem to come up a lot.
Yes, exactly, Shannon.
I think we should all be supportive of family members with new lovers regardless of occupation and/or gender of said lovers.
Oh, hey, Lionel Richie, stop saying "lovers" at the dinner table.
Yes, no one here is a lover.
Are you enjoying that apron, VP Murray? Would you like me to also get you a pair of my dad's underwear so you can wear those, too? Oh, no, thank you, Jimmy.
I would like to propose a toast.
To going from vice princi-pal to vice princi-friend.
- Pat: What the? - Dad.
- Clive: Pat? - Shannon: Dad? [Spits.]
How did that get in my mouth?! Pat, I I thought you were going to the gym after your shift.
Yeah, I was, but the elevator was broken, so I took it as a sign.
Clive: Hi, Pat.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, wow, look at that gun.
It is do Is it loaded? Here, um, uh, take my seat.
Or you could just sit on my lap.
Why did I say that? Because I'm just so nervous.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
Clive ended up eating dinner on the floor.
I don't even want to know why, but he actually seemed pretty comfortable down there.
Anyway, it's time for us to do what regular people do when they get divorced.
Take classes at the learning annex about knitting through your anger.
Of course not.
You know how I feel about adult education.
No, I mean live in separate places.
Pat's looking at apartments today.
Oh, Eileen, that is not gonna be cheap.
Well, we're just gonna have to buckle down, you know? I'm making the kids have a yard sale.
And I'm gonna have to get a job.
I've been holding out for something perfect, but I think I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet - and take something terrible.
- [Gasps.]
This is great.
I have something terrible.
We need a receptionist at the salon.
I was imagining more of an office thing, you know? I have this "Working Girl" fantasy.
I've always wanted to wear sneakers with a suit.
You can wear whatever you want.
I once wore pajamas, and they weren't even mine.
Knock, knock.
[Sighs.]
Clive.
[Laughs.]
How fun of you to pop by.
Even though we've talked about you never, ever doing that.
But, um [clears throat.]
I'm actually going to the salon with Jodi.
You are? Yay! - Work wives.
- Yeah.
Anyway, thanks for the Oh, these are for Pat.
I'm here to apologize to him for last night.
So, you're bringing him chocolates.
I know.
It's a little weird.
But the flower shop wasn't open yet.
[Sighs.]
God help me, he turns me on.
Hey, buddy.
I, um, dry-cleaned your apron.
- You didn't need to do that.
- I did.
I couldn't sleep all night.
Look, I know what it looked like, but I swear I'm not trying to replace you.
I mean, how could I? You're a cop, You got super-thick hair, and you're like some kind of a man lion.
I've been told I have leonine features before, Clive.
Of course you have.
Um, there's a mix CD in the bag with the apron.
Well, I'm kind of busy right now, so if you don't mind.
Look, Pat, um If you want me to go, I will.
Just tell me what we had wasn't real.
Well, that depends.
Are those, uh, caramel sea salt? You know they are.
[Sighs.]
Oh, damn you, Clive.
I can't shut you out.
- It's like lopping off my own arm.
- [Laughs.]
Get over here, buddy.
[Laughs.]
- Oh, thank God.
- [Laughs.]
- Whoo-hoo.
- Hey.
- Thanks for the hair compliment.
- Oh, no, of course.
And I am sorry about last night.
I would've had dinner with Eileen and the kids at my place, but Mother won't let me have guests.
Ah, that's okay.
I get it.
We've both been displaced by divorce.
Things aren't that great down here either.
Ah, I understand.
We both live in the basements - of strong, handsome women.
- Mm-hmm.
But not for long.
Want to go with me to look at a new place today, buddy? Um, yeah.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah.
- I'll be your apartment wingman.
- Yeah! - All right.
- Yeah.
All right.
Oh, that's great 'cause I cannot wait to get out of here.
I mean, those jock straps aren't even mine.
I was wondering.
Oh, man, look at all this stuff from when I was young.
My Richard Simmons VHS, my calligraphy set.
Oh, my God, you guys, my Easy-Bake Oven.
[Laughs.]
Honestly, why did I even have to come out? Kenny, not everything is about you being gay.
Geez, not lately.
We have to focus.
There's gold in this garage.
Some idiot hipster will want to use this boombox as a purse.
What is wrong with you two? Am I the only one who's sad that Dad's moving out? Well, yeah, it sucks, but it's not really a surprise.
We've known this is coming for, like, a year.
Yeah, but with him leaving and Mom dating, it's gonna be a lot harder for them to get back together.
Interesting.
- Shannon, a word.
- Please.
How could he still think that's a possibility? Clearly, he's in denial.
We're gonna have to set him straight.
Yeah, but we have to be gentle.
He's not as emotionally intelligent as we are.
[Rattling.]
Damn it! Aah! This game is impossible.
Yeah.
Emotionally intelligent.
[Hair dryer blowing.]
Basically, you just need to answer the phones, greet the customers, make appointments, - that sort of thing.
- Not a problem.
Can't be any harder than keeping Jimmy alive for 17 years.
Okay, you knock 'em dead.
I got to get back to my client and figure out how to make a party in the front and business in the back.
[Telephone rings.]
Oh.
Hello.
Covington's Curl - [Ringing continues.]
- Mm.
Hello? Um, hello? Hello? Oh.
[Ringing continues, phone beeps.]
Covington's Curls.
Please hold.
- Thank you.
- I'm Steve, the colorist.
And that's the first and last time ever that I do your job.
I am not Steve the receptionist.
He was fired for stealing petty cash.
[Bell jingles.]
Hello.
Let me guess you're here for an eyebrow wax.
I came to pick up some shampoo.
For your eyebrows? Uh, that was a that was a joke.
Uh, why don't you just take this shampoo and go.
[Pop music plays.]
[Bell jingles.]
Hey, big guy.
You maybe want to talk about how in the world you thought Mom and Dad would ever get back together? It's simple.
Dad lives in the basement.
And eventually, basements flood, and when it does, Mom will go down to check on Dad.
she'll slip and go under.
Dad'll dive in to save her.
He'll carry her upstairs and boom they rekindle their love for each other.
That was specific.
And ridiculous.
Mom is entering the workforce.
She'll discover a buried talent for business, cash out, and move to Tuscany as a freelance expat blogger.
Sure, sometimes when she's standing on the villa terrace, her mind will fleetingly turn to Dad.
But she knows he's content with his life on the ranch in Montana.
Jimmy: Oh, man.
I think you might be right about them not getting back together.
Look at this.
Yeesh.
That's the one they framed? They look as scared as Kenny does at the lake.
'Cause it's cold and dirty, and I can feel the fish on my feet.
I knew Mom and Dad got married because of me, but I always thought that they would've done it anyways 'cause they loved each other.
Look at them they were never happy.
If it wasn't for me, Mom could have been an astronaut.
And Dad could have been married to a different astronaut.
Why don't you just ask Mom and Dad if they would've gotten married anyway? Because they'll just tell me what they think I want to hear.
Mm.
Like when they told us that our turtle - went to live with its family in the woods.
- [Chuckles.]
Exactly.
- Except this will be a lie.
- Right.
Well, you know, Father Bernard is now at St.
Leopold.
We could go ask him.
That's a great idea.
Plus, St.
Leopold is where Dad says my hamster lives.
I just don't trust him by himself.
[Bell jingles.]
Lunch.
Thank God.
I'm famished.
Oh, Eileen, you're amazing.
It took the old receptionist three times as long to get the orders in.
Of course she also had a neck tattoo and chewed foil.
ll, I'll let you in my secret.
I always ignore special requests.
If I indulge all of my kids' pickiness, I'd never get anything done.
Besides gluten allergy is not a thing.
[Coughs.]
[Strained.]
Gluten.
Nice try, drama queen.
I got one of you at home.
[Laughs.]
[Thud.]
Oh, no.
He's really swelling up.
This place has got to be better than the last one.
Who puts carpet in the bathroom? That place was haunted.
I felt a presence.
Mother always said I had a gift.
Excuse me.
Hi.
How you doing? I'm Pat.
Called earlier about the furnished two-bedroom.
I'm Marco.
Welcome to the Hazelwood.
First off, I want you fellas to know that here at the 'Wood, we are very inclusive of alternative relationships.
Oh, no.
[Chuckles.]
This is just for me.
Oh, yeah, we're not a couple.
- I'm just dating his wife.
- Yeah.
The devil's threesome.
I love it.
Most of the guys here are divorced, too, like myself.
I'm not just the building manager.
- I'm also a tenant.
- Oh.
Hey, Sam.
Sam: Hey, guys.
Divorce beers by the pool.
What makes them divorce beers? 'Cause we can drink them whenever we want.
- Ah! - Yeah! Come on, guys.
Let's check it out.
Pat, this place comes with furniture and friends.
I could use a beer.
[Groans.]
So, were you trying to murder me? Or are you just grossly incompetent? If I wanted you dead, I would've been a lot slower with the EpiPen, Steve.
- [Bell jingles.]
- Okay.
Well, I just got to the salon, so I'll call you back later.
- Oh.
- Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, oh, Jodi.
Um, thank you so much for your services.
I I'll be paying now and going to my home.
Eileen, no, you have to help Nancy.
You're already on thin ice with Steve, the colorist.
I can hear you.
And since I'm incapacitated, you have to wash her hair.
[Exhales sharply.]
[Sighs.]
Eileen.
Hello, Nancy.
I haven't seen you since the book club.
Oh, my gosh, do you work here? [Chuckles.]
I had no idea.
I feel so weird about you serving me.
Well, there's no reason to feel weird, Nancy.
It's it's my job.
And she's terrible at it.
Oh.
[Laughs.]
Steve.
Girlfriend.
Stop it.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
So, uh, we were wondering if maybe you remember what our parents' wedding day was like.
Were they happy? Oh, I remember like it was yesterday.
Your parents were so in love, they were practically glowing.
Oh! Pat and Eileen.
Yeah, I was thinking of Matt and Irene.
Well, what do you remember about our parents' wedding? Oh, my, uh, uh, who who can remember such things? I'm an old man.
Father, let's not waste each other's time.
All right.
You're obviously not children anymore, so I'll be honest.
It was a dark day dark.
I've never seen two young people so not in love.
I knew it.
I ruined their lives.
I'm a homewrecker.
No, wrong use of that term, Jimmy.
But look, Father, I'm sure maybe it started out as a shotgun situation.
But they had two other kids, - so something must have gone right.
- Ah, yes.
After Jimmy was born, Pat and Eileen came to me for counseling because they were unhappy in their marriage.
So I told them to have another child because children bring joy.
And that was you, Kenny.
So I'm a Band-Aid baby? Not a very effective one.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, I'm just joshing you, son.
But no, you didn't help.
So they came back to me again, and I told them the same thing.
And nine months later, little Shannon was born.
And like I told them, the third time was the charm.
Well, actually they're getting a divorce.
Well, I tried.
So Mom and Dad were never really happy.
And having us just prolonged their misery.
Ha.
We were all mistakes.
Burn! Wait.
Now, now, God doesn't make mistakes.
Sure.
Except homosexuality, right? Not everything's about you being gay, son.
I know I keep trying to, like, wedge it in there, but Work it, feel the groove Uh, it's a little chilly for a luau, no? Ah, it's always summer somewhere.
- Well, that is true.
- Yeah.
- Like, below the equator, huh? - Mm-hmm.
The changes in latitude is changes in attitude.
[Laughs.]
I like this guy.
- You are fun.
- Oh, thanks, man.
Would you like a passion fruit margarita, Clive? Mm, I would not like one, Graham.
I would love one.
[Laughter.]
But, uh, I do think my kids are gonna love that pool next summer.
Man, I haven't seen my kids in weeks.
Marco: Oh, yeah, it's been a while since I've seen little Marco.
But you know, everybody gets busy.
And time flies here, man.
I mean, I moved in as a temporary thing, and that was three years ago.
Tell me about it.
I blinked.
I was hear eight years.
Eight years? Carl's been here more than a decade.
Just till I save enough to buy that mobile home.
Damn double alimony.
[Chuckles.]
But we're living the life, man.
I haven't even told you about our holiday spreads yet.
We do a decent turkey dinner on Thanksgiving.
Serve it up in the gym.
It's all family style.
Well, I won't need the family-style Thanksgiving.
I, uh, plan on celebrating with my actual family.
[Laughter.]
[All sigh.]
Whoa, Nelly! Those shirts are da bomb.
Looks like you're wearing a jungle.
[Laughs.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah.
[Laughter.]
Nancy: I just think you are so brave, - what you're doing.
- [Chuckles.]
I can't imagine being single again.
Starting a whole new life and career.
And at your age? Well, I can't imagine having such a lumpy skull.
You better hope you don't get alopecia 'cause you would look really weird bald.
I only came in today because Dan and I are going out to dinner tonight for our 10-year annivers Oops.
I'm so sorry.
I I'm sure that you don't want to hear about other people's happy marriages.
- All done.
- Ow.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Happy anniversary.
[Ringing continues.]
Hello.
[Dance music plays.]
Eileen, thank God.
You have to come and get me from the Hazelwood.
I'm in hell.
Ditto.
I'll be there in 20.
Nancy: It burns.
Well, thanks again for coming to get me.
I tell you.
It was starting to get a little crazy over there.
Clive was drunk texting his mother.
Mm, I don't think his sinewy body - knows how to properly metabolize alcohol.
- No.
Anyway, I'm just glad to get out of that salon.
- Oh, I see.
- So we both had crappy days? Yeah.
Let's just stay in and have a quiet night with the kids.
Yes, please.
Jimmy: Love is a lie.
Everything must go! Our pain is your gain.
Shannon: What's your fancy? I've got newborn footprints in clay, a first-place trophy from St.
Barklay's family fun run, and a very nice jar of baby teeth.
You have excellent taste.
Get out of here.
Thanks a lot, Mom.
I had him on the hook.
This 18-year-old photograph is the reason why you're purging all of our cherished family memories? It's not just the photo.
We know you guys were never happy together.
And then having us ruined your lives.
Wait, hang on a second.
That is not true, okay? You guys didn't ruin our lives.
You're the best part of them.
Really? Because Father Bernard said you only had us to try to save your doomed marriage.
Oh, please, what does he know? - We saw that priest like 3 times in 18 years - [Scoffs.]
- and he always called us Matt and Irene.
- [Chuckles.]
Look, just because our marriage has ended, doesn't mean that we regret that it happened.
If we could do it all over again, we would.
- That's right.
- In heartbeat.
Really? Yes.
Swear on this.
I swear on "Chicken Soup for the Scrapbooker's Soul.
" You three kids are the best thing that ever happened to us.
Yes, samesies.
You kids, Mike Ditka, pineapple on a pizza.
And no matter what, we're always gonna be a family.
- Nothing will ever change that.
- That's right.
It's so funny.
We're happier at the end of our marriage than we were at the very beginning.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
It's too bad there's not a ceremony where we get all dressed up and celebrate that.
Yeah.
That would be weird.
- Hm.
- [Laughs.]
["Heart and Soul" playing.]
You know, not a lot of women can say they're 30 pounds lighter than they were on their wedding day.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Thank you.
- Very good, son.
- Thank you.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the divorce of Eileen and Pat O'Neal.
Who gives this woman away? I do.
And I give this man away.
Kenny: All right, Mom and Dad, is there anything you'd like to say to each other? [Clears throat.]
Pat, there are so many great things that have come out of our marriage.
But we've known for a long time that we just didn't work as a couple.
- And that's okay.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
We got together way too fast.
- Yeah.
The only thing we really had in common was a love of Foreigner.
Yeah, God, how great is Foreigner? - They're so great.
- [Sighs.]
Well, from this day forward, I promise never again to bother you with my wet towels - [Sighs.]
- or sleep apnea.
And I promise that you'll never have to see my bite guard left out on the nightstand or wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher ever again.
And I vow to see you kids all the time.
Like a lot.
Seriously, you're gonna get really sick of me.
And I vow to continue making family meals, possibly taking into consideration your special food requests.
Apparently gluten allergy is a real thing.
Well, if anyone objects to this divorce, please speak now or forever hold your piece.
- I'm good.
- Me too.
Jimmy: [Sobs.]
These are tears of joy.
I used to be in there.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Well, can we all join hands? - Yeah.
Okay.
Do we O'Neals take each other for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health, regardless of new lovers or different geographical locations for the rest of our lives? All: We do.
Well, then, by the power vested in me by the Little Saviors Winter Bible Camp, I now pronounce us a committed family.
We may now take a family selfie.
Hey.
Here, I got the long arms.
- Selfie cam.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Everybody lean in.
- Get in there.
- Here we go.
A smiling or silly face? Here we go, smiling.
Yeah, Smiling.
Smiling.
Ready, one, two, three.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- I have to say, of all the pictures this family has ever taken, this one is the best.
Mm.
Boy, getting Kenny that Easy-Bake Oven is definitely the best decision we ever made as parents.
Yep, it's true.
- He's still got it.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
- [Sighs.]
Boy, starting that new job was a lot harder than I expected.
- Oh, yeah? - It was really humbling.
I was terrible at everything.
- That doesn't sound like you.
- I know.
I'm never humble because I'm always excellent at everything.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Ha ha.
Look at that.
Clive signed a two-year lease at the Hazelwood.
He loved it there.
It's just not for me, though.
I don't want to eat turkey on a elliptical.
- You know what? - Hmm? This garage is actually pretty big - without all that crap in it.
- Mm-hmm.
Why don't we fix it up? And you can move in here.
We'd each have our own separate spaces.
I like it.
Plus, if we don't need the money for another apartment, you can quit the job at the salon.
Oh, I'm not quitting.
I never quit anything in my life.
I'm not about to start now.
No, it's just new, is all.
- I'm a quick study.
- Oh, yes, this is true.
That's why you were banned from casino night at the church.
Counting cards is not cheating.
Father Phil is a crybaby.
I'd say it to his face.
Oh, no, you did.
That's why he cried.
[Laughs.]