The Reluctant Landlord (2018) s02e04 Episode Script
Couples Amnesty
1 Man, the days seem slow but the years go fast One, two Man, the days seem slow but the years go fast Could you please pour another drink in my glass? I think I need a drink tonight If only the landlord can fix it right Why's he looking so reluctant? Or bored like he doesn't want the custom? Why do you run a pub then? I need time away but I've never gotten far My best friends are these guys here propping up the bar Working for the family I love but the day's been long Could you please pour me another drink, Rom? If only the landlord can fix it right.
I swear to God, man, Public Enemy, every time I just think, 'Have they lost it?' Of course they haven't.
They smash it every time.
That was one of the best night's ever, man.
I mean, what an amazing gig, right? Yeah.
It was really special.
Did you not enjoy the gig? Quiet, Romesh.
The children are sleeping.
OK.
OK.
We had a great time by the way, thank you.
Don't rush off, Jayanthi.
He's only drunk.
I know he doesn't want to talk to me, Natasha.
So I'll leave you to it, huh.
Good night.
Thank you.
Thank you.
See you later.
Love you, Mum.
Bye, darling.
Do you want some toast? Please.
What's up with you? Nothing.
I'm fine.
Fine? Are you dropping the F bomb? Come on, what's up with you? Well, it was all just a bit loud and shouty, wasn't it? I thought you loved Public Enemy.
I've literally never said those words.
Yeah, but we've been to loads of their gigs.
Yeah? Because it's something you're into, I love you and you're my partner.
But, do you know what? I just don't love Public Enemy.
There, I've said it.
Oh, that felt good.
I can't believe you've lied all these years.
All right.
Don't overreact.
Overreact to the fact that my wife is a stranger? I feel like I don't even know you.
I thought that, by now, we'd be having sex to Burn Hollywood Burn.
(LAUGHS) Shouldn't it be to Don't Believe The Hype? Hm? (LAUGHS) Yeah, very good.
How about I just organise the next night out? I can organise a good night out, you know.
Yeah.
I don't think so.
Right, fine.
If you want to be like that, how about this? You and me go head-to-head, OK? We each organise a date, decide who the winner is.
OK.
I'm in.
When? Tomorrow.
Bring it on.
I've brought it on.
It's right in front of you.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, she's basically been living a lie for 20 years.
She repeatedly went to see a band she didn't like just to please her husband.
What a bitch! Marriage is never an easy one.
You think you know someone and then one day they just vanish.
Leave you bald and with performance anxiety.
OK, cool.
Um Julie, please help me.
Where do I take Nat for dinner tonight? I've tried the best places, they're fully booked.
I properly need tonight to smash it, can you please, please help me? Tonight? Who's going to cover the bar? Oh, yeah.
I was gonna I was gonna ask.
Yeah, well, you still haven't though.
What if I had plans? Oh, come on, Julie, Lemon's got a better social life than you have.
Thanks.
And me.
Yeah, so we just didn't click.
Which is a shame because she was really lovely.
And the non-bullshit version? She took one look at me and went straight on Tinder.
OK.
Enough sympathy.
Let's log it.
Another failed date.
Oh, do we have to do this? You know the rules.
Just a little bit of fun, mainly for me.
Yeah, but you could at least wipe my tab if I get to 70.
Mate, if you get to 70, I might have to mercy kill you.
Rom, here's the cleaning stuff you wanted.
Um, we need to have a chat.
OK, but can it wait because we're doing Lemon Aid.
You can join in if you want.
He's up to 54.
No, it's urgent.
What, more urgent than this? Are you mad? I called David Foster and he offered me a job at The Dog.
And I took it.
Yeah, OK.
Sure you did, Julie.
Ha! No, I'm serious.
Are you shitting me? Are you shitting in my actual mouth? No, Rom, I'm not shitting in your actual mouth.
You're not going to get banter like this at Foster's.
Yeah, I think we're kind of making the same point.
You can't be serious.
You cannot do this.
I'm sorry, Rom.
I mean, I tried to talk to you.
Anything you want to say? OK.
Bye, then.
What? Julie? Julie! Boys, don't worry, OK? She will be back.
Trust me.
Then Why are you talking to Lemon? Just a chat.
She wanted to know what sort of things you are into.
Lemon! I can't lie to the man who gives me beer! Struggling for date ideas, are we? No.
Taking an interest in my husband's life while I wait for Julie to talk about Beyonce.
(LAUGHS) Where is she? Rom upset her.
What have you done? We just had a little disagreement.
He was a dick and drove her away to Foster's.
I can't lie to the wife of the man who gives me beer! Rom, are you mental? You need her.
No wonder this place is empty.
It's not empty.
It's the same as it normally is.
Plus, she'll be back when she remembers how good she had it here.
If that's what you're pinning your hopes on, you're in trouble.
You have to cancel tonight.
You're going to have to forfeit.
No way.
I've organised the best date night.
Which I did the other night but for some reason you don't appreciate it.
How do you not like Public Enemy? It's essentially poetry but with swearing.
What's not to like? That's all they do do actually, just swearing.
I'm going to the shops, motherfucker Gonna buy some Twiglets, motherfucker.
I don't think poets would appreciate a comparison.
OK.
Just so you know, that was truly, truly awful.
OK? It's an evolution of poetry, Nat.
Right, yeah.
You need to recognise it, eh? Is that it? What? Nothing.
She had a great idea for a date? Shit! I hate that.
Just a table for two, that's all I'm asking.
I realise it's short notice.
Would you? Hello? The Right, that's it.
I'm fucked.
Well, on the bright side, if things don't work out with Natasha, obviously I'd be gutted, but on the upside, you could start going on the prowl with me.
Prowl is an interesting way to describe a man repeatedly experiencing rejection.
It will be like uni.
Think of all the new memories we could make.
Lemon, all of my memories of uni with you involve blackouts.
Hold on.
I mean, that is actually it.
Memories.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to recreate my first date with Nat.
I'm gonna win this with romance.
Lemon, you're a genius, mate.
I could kiss you.
I've nailed it, Nat.
Honestly, I can say, at this moment in time, I'm a genius.
Go on, then, give us a clue.
No.
I want to see the look of pure joy on your face before the horrific realisation that you can never top it.
Hey! Is Julie here? Um, she's just, er, she's just gone to Foster's but she'll be back in a minute.
What? Just call Julie and get her back.
No.
She needs to realise the grass isn't always greener and, if it is, David Foster's there being a boring twat.
Just call her.
OK, fine.
Hopefully, our history trumps her need for self-worth.
(PHONE BUZZES) Rom, hi, yes, Romesh.
Hi, Julie.
Um, how's it going over there? Yeah, really good.
Um, it's rammed.
Rammed? It's only two.
Yes, well, it seems to be pretty busy all the time in here, Rom.
Is that Julie? Can we talk to her? Fuck off.
Um, Julie, tell me, um, as he got that wanky wallpaper with books on it to make the place look bigger? Why are you calling, Rom? Right, yes, er, well, I just wanted to say that, um, you know, if you wanted to draw a line under under what's happened and just sort of forget about what was said, you'd be more than welcome to come back.
That is so kind of you, Rom.
They should call you the Crawley Jesus.
Oh, there you go.
Oh! Option 11.
Oh, no, thanks, David.
Is that Foster? (CHATTER ON PHONE) One more.
Oh! Awww! One, two Boom! Yes.
Oo-hoo! Nice.
Well, I'd better go, um, because there are a lot of people to serve.
Thank you for you call.
She's not coming back, is she? Look, if you're stuck for cover tonight, you can always forfeit the date.
Nah.
We're not forfeiting, OK? My mum will do it.
She's already babysitting.
Well, she can do both.
Old people need to stay active, we're probably doing her a favour.
Oh! If only the landlord can fix it right.
Man, the days seem slow but the years go fast If only the landlord can fix it right.
There you go, darling.
That will be £3.
50.
(CLEARS THROAT) Looking very snazzy, Rom.
Thank you.
You've got to look sharp when you're winning at marriage.
You're useless, Romesh.
How do you expect me to babysit and run a pub? It'll be fine.
Just call up to them every 20 minutes, make sure they're alive and not making weapons.
Anyway, I must go.
Bye-bye.
What would you like, dear? I knew as soon as I saw you in the suit that you were taking I've wanted to go there for years.
What? No, I'm not taking you to that ponce factory.
Just hold on there, wait there, wait there, wait there.
OK, hold on.
Ready? Ta-da! The park? Yeah.
You don't look 14.
Wait, is that the look of pure joy you're expecting, is it? No, to be honest, I was expecting you to be a bit more grateful.
I'm recreating one of the best nights of our lives.
Strap in.
It's going to be great.
When did they start closing parks? All right, come on.
What? Over.
Are you? It'll be worth it.
Do you want some help? No.
I'll help you.
I just Shall I? No.
I can do it.
This is a joke.
Give me I can do it.
OK? You OK? Yes, I'm fine.
Oh, my God, Nat.
What is it? I think Don't be angry.
What? I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Sorry.
I'll help you.
Oh, shit! Aarrgghh! Whoa! Oh! Ow! Shit! OK, er There's children over there.
Listen, I'm just gonna pull this, OK? I'm just gonna Ready? Just pull it, please pull it.
Ugh! How bad is it? Take my purse! (LAUGHS) See? That's funny.
Maybe I'm not meant to date.
To many people rely on me.
Yeah.
I think that's my problem too.
JJ.
Dr Shepherd.
I thought, if you can't come on our date, I'll bring the date to you, which is me.
(LAUGHS) So let me loose behind the bar so I can dispense drinks instead of prescriptions.
(THEY LAUGH) Oh! Sorry to cancel.
Can we go upstairs now? Yes, go on.
I'll follow.
Thank you, Brian.
My pleasure.
Leroy.
Dr Shepherd.
Good to see you back on your feet.
What can I get you? Double G and T.
Ooh! Two units.
Er, yeah.
Maybe I'll just have a tonic.
Better make it Slimline.
Good boy.
Seriously! How did you bag a legend like that? I did no bagging.
How do I get my Dr Shepherd? You don't.
Mrs Ranganathan, please.
You have to help me find love.
I'm afraid you're beyond help, Lemon.
Maybe not.
Is this it? I have so won tonight? (CLEARS THROAT) Well, I think it's time to pull out the big guns.
A doner kebab? Yeah.
It's not even a shish, it's a donor.
This is two-in-the-morning food.
I'm not eating that.
I suppose we could take it home for the kids.
Did you just get an emergency snack from your bag? You were so convinced I'd screw up, you brought SOS nuts? Unbelievable.
Would you like some wine with your offensive gesture? It's the best idea you've had so far.
Yes, please.
Er What? I forgot to bring a corkscrew.
You run a bloody pub.
Right.
Hold tight.
I've got this.
Do not worry.
Your man is in control.
You should probably drink less anyway.
THE HUMAN LEAGUE: Don't You Want Me Eh-hem! Mrs Ranganathan, are you ready to feed me my lines? I'm ready for you to shut up and get on with it.
Then it's romance time.
Hi, there.
Hello, hello.
I'm Lemon.
Can I help you with something? Would you mind if I joined you in conversation? Would you mind if I joined you in conversation? Sure, why not? What would you say your future life prospects are? What would you say your future life prospects are? That's one hell of an opening question.
Ahhh! Well, I just want to know if I'm wasting my time before I start properly talking to you.
I just want to know whether I'm wasting my time before I properly start talking to you.
(LAUGHS) You're hilarious.
(LAUGHS) Oh, thank you.
Er, do you want to know what the funniest thing about me is? Yes.
Lemon! Lemon! Do not start speaking for yourself.
I have a bruise shaped like Holly Willoughby on my thigh.
Do you want to see it? Um, no, I'm all right, actually, thanks.
Um Abort.
It's actually Abort, Lemon.
My thigh Oh! Um So, this is your grand finale? What are you talking about? This is pure unfettered romance this.
I'm taking you on an emotional journey.
Can't book that on Open Table.
Look, I know it's been a bit underwhelming, hasn't it? But you know what I'm trying to do, right? I'm trying to recreate our first date.
Do you remember? We went to that park by our halls and then you had kebab, doner kebab, I had chips and then we strawpedoed some Lambrini and .
.
I looked at you and I just knew.
You and me against the world.
Well, then we got off and it was just, like, Pfff! That was the best night of my life.
Even better than Public Enemy.
Oh! Oh, that's so That's really lovely.
(THEY LAUGH) But it wasn't me.
Oh, shit! You have really screwed this up.
Nat, I am so, so sorry.
(LAUGHS) Why aren't you angry? I have won before my date has even started.
I'm better at marriage than you.
I win.
Yes, and what a gracious winner you are.
(LAUGHS) All right.
Can we just do your date now and just forget this shitshow ever happened, please? Yeah.
You are in for a treat.
What the hell were you thinking talking for yourself? Can we have another go? I promise I'll only say things coming from you.
Oh, go on, JJ.
Not everyone is as lucky in love as we are.
Hm? Fine.
But remember what we've learned.
Do not be yourself.
OK.
I've got it.
I'm just going to dab some water under my armpits, then we can give it another go.
Don't sweat, technique.
So, are you daddying me? Or am I daddying you? Dad? Or are you? (FINGERS CLICK) Have we just stumbled into West Side Story? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Why are people clicking? It's more respectful than clapping.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you said Public Enemy were like poets, so You took a quote and built a shot date around it? Now Randy Mastad.
Oh! Oh, my God! How many clicks does this prick need? (LAUGHS) Hi.
I'm Lemon.
I'm going to be having a conversation with you.
Really? And why's that? People who aren't bothered about their appearance tend to be kind-hearted.
Because people who aren't bothered by their appearance tend to be kind-hearted.
(LAUGHS) Well, that's refreshing.
It's nice to meet someone so direct.
I'm Leanna.
I'm, er, Lemon.
Shine.
Impact.
I think it's fair to say we've both lost, haven't we? Yeah.
Juxtaposition.
Can I ask you a question? Are you happy? Cut.
Yeah, I am.
Are you? I'm not suicidal, which is as much as you can ask for in today's world.
Well, at least we both care enough to try.
Yes, plus we have something very important in common.
Charlie and Theresa? Yes, but more importantly we both hate pricks like all of the people in here.
And the dates were shit.
But there is nobody I'd rather experience shit with than you.
Oh! Heart.
(FINGERS CLICK) And now, please welcome to the stage our most beloved poet David Foster.
(FINGERS CLICK) (LAUGHS) OK, forget what I said.
This is the best date night ever.
(CLEARS THROAT) Er, good evening.
(CLEARS THROAT) This one is called .
.
The Landlord.
Oh! Amazing.
Am I the lord of the land? Or does the land own me? You win that.
You win.
My temptation while thinking I am free.
The drink flows free from the taps in the tavern.
The mind so full that the heart, the heart, like a cavern.
(LAUGHS) (FINGERS CLICK) There we go.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Dr Shepherd.
Oh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Cheers.
It was actually hanging out the whole time.
Are you serious? It was just hanging there.
(LAUGHS) Talk about stepping into a dead man's shoes.
You know, I love how you don't mess around, Lemon.
So let me hit you with some directness too.
What do you say to coming back to my place? What do I say about coming back to your place? Can you step out from behind my bar, please, if you don't mind? Don't be so bloody rude.
Don't be so bloody rude.
Your father would be ashamed of your behaviour.
Your father would be ashamed of your behaviour.
Do you know what? Good night.
I don't need to waste my time with a monk.
No, I'm not a monk.
Romesh, I'm not here to replace your father and if you ever need to talk, I am always here to support you.
Yes, well, unless that support is financial, it's not very helpful to be honest with you.
Thanks anyway.
Oh! Let's go, Brian.
You're welcome, Romesh.
Do call me when you get home, so I know he's not followed you into the house.
The house paid for by your husband's life insurance let's not forget.
Well done.
That was very immature, wasn't it? Right, this is a record low.
I'm actually in the red with all your bloody IOUs.
Yeah.
Jesus, this has not been the best day.
You're drinking me into debt.
I've got a doctor actually wanting to play doctor with my mum.
I'm starting to feel like I've hit rock bottom.
Don't believe the hype Don't, don't, don't believe the hype Yeah Don't, don't Scratch that.
Don't believe the hype Lock up on your way out.
'Yes' was the start of my last jam So here it is again, another def jam I'm coming upstairs, Nat.
Get ready to believe the hype.
I don't know what I would do without you You might not be that sure in the end but your doubts do All that I'm in for that is the truth Just know that any time when you need me I've got you Don't believe the hype, know it if it feels right Don't believe the hype, know it if it feels right.
I swear to God, man, Public Enemy, every time I just think, 'Have they lost it?' Of course they haven't.
They smash it every time.
That was one of the best night's ever, man.
I mean, what an amazing gig, right? Yeah.
It was really special.
Did you not enjoy the gig? Quiet, Romesh.
The children are sleeping.
OK.
OK.
We had a great time by the way, thank you.
Don't rush off, Jayanthi.
He's only drunk.
I know he doesn't want to talk to me, Natasha.
So I'll leave you to it, huh.
Good night.
Thank you.
Thank you.
See you later.
Love you, Mum.
Bye, darling.
Do you want some toast? Please.
What's up with you? Nothing.
I'm fine.
Fine? Are you dropping the F bomb? Come on, what's up with you? Well, it was all just a bit loud and shouty, wasn't it? I thought you loved Public Enemy.
I've literally never said those words.
Yeah, but we've been to loads of their gigs.
Yeah? Because it's something you're into, I love you and you're my partner.
But, do you know what? I just don't love Public Enemy.
There, I've said it.
Oh, that felt good.
I can't believe you've lied all these years.
All right.
Don't overreact.
Overreact to the fact that my wife is a stranger? I feel like I don't even know you.
I thought that, by now, we'd be having sex to Burn Hollywood Burn.
(LAUGHS) Shouldn't it be to Don't Believe The Hype? Hm? (LAUGHS) Yeah, very good.
How about I just organise the next night out? I can organise a good night out, you know.
Yeah.
I don't think so.
Right, fine.
If you want to be like that, how about this? You and me go head-to-head, OK? We each organise a date, decide who the winner is.
OK.
I'm in.
When? Tomorrow.
Bring it on.
I've brought it on.
It's right in front of you.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, she's basically been living a lie for 20 years.
She repeatedly went to see a band she didn't like just to please her husband.
What a bitch! Marriage is never an easy one.
You think you know someone and then one day they just vanish.
Leave you bald and with performance anxiety.
OK, cool.
Um Julie, please help me.
Where do I take Nat for dinner tonight? I've tried the best places, they're fully booked.
I properly need tonight to smash it, can you please, please help me? Tonight? Who's going to cover the bar? Oh, yeah.
I was gonna I was gonna ask.
Yeah, well, you still haven't though.
What if I had plans? Oh, come on, Julie, Lemon's got a better social life than you have.
Thanks.
And me.
Yeah, so we just didn't click.
Which is a shame because she was really lovely.
And the non-bullshit version? She took one look at me and went straight on Tinder.
OK.
Enough sympathy.
Let's log it.
Another failed date.
Oh, do we have to do this? You know the rules.
Just a little bit of fun, mainly for me.
Yeah, but you could at least wipe my tab if I get to 70.
Mate, if you get to 70, I might have to mercy kill you.
Rom, here's the cleaning stuff you wanted.
Um, we need to have a chat.
OK, but can it wait because we're doing Lemon Aid.
You can join in if you want.
He's up to 54.
No, it's urgent.
What, more urgent than this? Are you mad? I called David Foster and he offered me a job at The Dog.
And I took it.
Yeah, OK.
Sure you did, Julie.
Ha! No, I'm serious.
Are you shitting me? Are you shitting in my actual mouth? No, Rom, I'm not shitting in your actual mouth.
You're not going to get banter like this at Foster's.
Yeah, I think we're kind of making the same point.
You can't be serious.
You cannot do this.
I'm sorry, Rom.
I mean, I tried to talk to you.
Anything you want to say? OK.
Bye, then.
What? Julie? Julie! Boys, don't worry, OK? She will be back.
Trust me.
Then Why are you talking to Lemon? Just a chat.
She wanted to know what sort of things you are into.
Lemon! I can't lie to the man who gives me beer! Struggling for date ideas, are we? No.
Taking an interest in my husband's life while I wait for Julie to talk about Beyonce.
(LAUGHS) Where is she? Rom upset her.
What have you done? We just had a little disagreement.
He was a dick and drove her away to Foster's.
I can't lie to the wife of the man who gives me beer! Rom, are you mental? You need her.
No wonder this place is empty.
It's not empty.
It's the same as it normally is.
Plus, she'll be back when she remembers how good she had it here.
If that's what you're pinning your hopes on, you're in trouble.
You have to cancel tonight.
You're going to have to forfeit.
No way.
I've organised the best date night.
Which I did the other night but for some reason you don't appreciate it.
How do you not like Public Enemy? It's essentially poetry but with swearing.
What's not to like? That's all they do do actually, just swearing.
I'm going to the shops, motherfucker Gonna buy some Twiglets, motherfucker.
I don't think poets would appreciate a comparison.
OK.
Just so you know, that was truly, truly awful.
OK? It's an evolution of poetry, Nat.
Right, yeah.
You need to recognise it, eh? Is that it? What? Nothing.
She had a great idea for a date? Shit! I hate that.
Just a table for two, that's all I'm asking.
I realise it's short notice.
Would you? Hello? The Right, that's it.
I'm fucked.
Well, on the bright side, if things don't work out with Natasha, obviously I'd be gutted, but on the upside, you could start going on the prowl with me.
Prowl is an interesting way to describe a man repeatedly experiencing rejection.
It will be like uni.
Think of all the new memories we could make.
Lemon, all of my memories of uni with you involve blackouts.
Hold on.
I mean, that is actually it.
Memories.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to recreate my first date with Nat.
I'm gonna win this with romance.
Lemon, you're a genius, mate.
I could kiss you.
I've nailed it, Nat.
Honestly, I can say, at this moment in time, I'm a genius.
Go on, then, give us a clue.
No.
I want to see the look of pure joy on your face before the horrific realisation that you can never top it.
Hey! Is Julie here? Um, she's just, er, she's just gone to Foster's but she'll be back in a minute.
What? Just call Julie and get her back.
No.
She needs to realise the grass isn't always greener and, if it is, David Foster's there being a boring twat.
Just call her.
OK, fine.
Hopefully, our history trumps her need for self-worth.
(PHONE BUZZES) Rom, hi, yes, Romesh.
Hi, Julie.
Um, how's it going over there? Yeah, really good.
Um, it's rammed.
Rammed? It's only two.
Yes, well, it seems to be pretty busy all the time in here, Rom.
Is that Julie? Can we talk to her? Fuck off.
Um, Julie, tell me, um, as he got that wanky wallpaper with books on it to make the place look bigger? Why are you calling, Rom? Right, yes, er, well, I just wanted to say that, um, you know, if you wanted to draw a line under under what's happened and just sort of forget about what was said, you'd be more than welcome to come back.
That is so kind of you, Rom.
They should call you the Crawley Jesus.
Oh, there you go.
Oh! Option 11.
Oh, no, thanks, David.
Is that Foster? (CHATTER ON PHONE) One more.
Oh! Awww! One, two Boom! Yes.
Oo-hoo! Nice.
Well, I'd better go, um, because there are a lot of people to serve.
Thank you for you call.
She's not coming back, is she? Look, if you're stuck for cover tonight, you can always forfeit the date.
Nah.
We're not forfeiting, OK? My mum will do it.
She's already babysitting.
Well, she can do both.
Old people need to stay active, we're probably doing her a favour.
Oh! If only the landlord can fix it right.
Man, the days seem slow but the years go fast If only the landlord can fix it right.
There you go, darling.
That will be £3.
50.
(CLEARS THROAT) Looking very snazzy, Rom.
Thank you.
You've got to look sharp when you're winning at marriage.
You're useless, Romesh.
How do you expect me to babysit and run a pub? It'll be fine.
Just call up to them every 20 minutes, make sure they're alive and not making weapons.
Anyway, I must go.
Bye-bye.
What would you like, dear? I knew as soon as I saw you in the suit that you were taking I've wanted to go there for years.
What? No, I'm not taking you to that ponce factory.
Just hold on there, wait there, wait there, wait there.
OK, hold on.
Ready? Ta-da! The park? Yeah.
You don't look 14.
Wait, is that the look of pure joy you're expecting, is it? No, to be honest, I was expecting you to be a bit more grateful.
I'm recreating one of the best nights of our lives.
Strap in.
It's going to be great.
When did they start closing parks? All right, come on.
What? Over.
Are you? It'll be worth it.
Do you want some help? No.
I'll help you.
I just Shall I? No.
I can do it.
This is a joke.
Give me I can do it.
OK? You OK? Yes, I'm fine.
Oh, my God, Nat.
What is it? I think Don't be angry.
What? I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Sorry.
I'll help you.
Oh, shit! Aarrgghh! Whoa! Oh! Ow! Shit! OK, er There's children over there.
Listen, I'm just gonna pull this, OK? I'm just gonna Ready? Just pull it, please pull it.
Ugh! How bad is it? Take my purse! (LAUGHS) See? That's funny.
Maybe I'm not meant to date.
To many people rely on me.
Yeah.
I think that's my problem too.
JJ.
Dr Shepherd.
I thought, if you can't come on our date, I'll bring the date to you, which is me.
(LAUGHS) So let me loose behind the bar so I can dispense drinks instead of prescriptions.
(THEY LAUGH) Oh! Sorry to cancel.
Can we go upstairs now? Yes, go on.
I'll follow.
Thank you, Brian.
My pleasure.
Leroy.
Dr Shepherd.
Good to see you back on your feet.
What can I get you? Double G and T.
Ooh! Two units.
Er, yeah.
Maybe I'll just have a tonic.
Better make it Slimline.
Good boy.
Seriously! How did you bag a legend like that? I did no bagging.
How do I get my Dr Shepherd? You don't.
Mrs Ranganathan, please.
You have to help me find love.
I'm afraid you're beyond help, Lemon.
Maybe not.
Is this it? I have so won tonight? (CLEARS THROAT) Well, I think it's time to pull out the big guns.
A doner kebab? Yeah.
It's not even a shish, it's a donor.
This is two-in-the-morning food.
I'm not eating that.
I suppose we could take it home for the kids.
Did you just get an emergency snack from your bag? You were so convinced I'd screw up, you brought SOS nuts? Unbelievable.
Would you like some wine with your offensive gesture? It's the best idea you've had so far.
Yes, please.
Er What? I forgot to bring a corkscrew.
You run a bloody pub.
Right.
Hold tight.
I've got this.
Do not worry.
Your man is in control.
You should probably drink less anyway.
THE HUMAN LEAGUE: Don't You Want Me Eh-hem! Mrs Ranganathan, are you ready to feed me my lines? I'm ready for you to shut up and get on with it.
Then it's romance time.
Hi, there.
Hello, hello.
I'm Lemon.
Can I help you with something? Would you mind if I joined you in conversation? Would you mind if I joined you in conversation? Sure, why not? What would you say your future life prospects are? What would you say your future life prospects are? That's one hell of an opening question.
Ahhh! Well, I just want to know if I'm wasting my time before I start properly talking to you.
I just want to know whether I'm wasting my time before I properly start talking to you.
(LAUGHS) You're hilarious.
(LAUGHS) Oh, thank you.
Er, do you want to know what the funniest thing about me is? Yes.
Lemon! Lemon! Do not start speaking for yourself.
I have a bruise shaped like Holly Willoughby on my thigh.
Do you want to see it? Um, no, I'm all right, actually, thanks.
Um Abort.
It's actually Abort, Lemon.
My thigh Oh! Um So, this is your grand finale? What are you talking about? This is pure unfettered romance this.
I'm taking you on an emotional journey.
Can't book that on Open Table.
Look, I know it's been a bit underwhelming, hasn't it? But you know what I'm trying to do, right? I'm trying to recreate our first date.
Do you remember? We went to that park by our halls and then you had kebab, doner kebab, I had chips and then we strawpedoed some Lambrini and .
.
I looked at you and I just knew.
You and me against the world.
Well, then we got off and it was just, like, Pfff! That was the best night of my life.
Even better than Public Enemy.
Oh! Oh, that's so That's really lovely.
(THEY LAUGH) But it wasn't me.
Oh, shit! You have really screwed this up.
Nat, I am so, so sorry.
(LAUGHS) Why aren't you angry? I have won before my date has even started.
I'm better at marriage than you.
I win.
Yes, and what a gracious winner you are.
(LAUGHS) All right.
Can we just do your date now and just forget this shitshow ever happened, please? Yeah.
You are in for a treat.
What the hell were you thinking talking for yourself? Can we have another go? I promise I'll only say things coming from you.
Oh, go on, JJ.
Not everyone is as lucky in love as we are.
Hm? Fine.
But remember what we've learned.
Do not be yourself.
OK.
I've got it.
I'm just going to dab some water under my armpits, then we can give it another go.
Don't sweat, technique.
So, are you daddying me? Or am I daddying you? Dad? Or are you? (FINGERS CLICK) Have we just stumbled into West Side Story? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Why are people clicking? It's more respectful than clapping.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you said Public Enemy were like poets, so You took a quote and built a shot date around it? Now Randy Mastad.
Oh! Oh, my God! How many clicks does this prick need? (LAUGHS) Hi.
I'm Lemon.
I'm going to be having a conversation with you.
Really? And why's that? People who aren't bothered about their appearance tend to be kind-hearted.
Because people who aren't bothered by their appearance tend to be kind-hearted.
(LAUGHS) Well, that's refreshing.
It's nice to meet someone so direct.
I'm Leanna.
I'm, er, Lemon.
Shine.
Impact.
I think it's fair to say we've both lost, haven't we? Yeah.
Juxtaposition.
Can I ask you a question? Are you happy? Cut.
Yeah, I am.
Are you? I'm not suicidal, which is as much as you can ask for in today's world.
Well, at least we both care enough to try.
Yes, plus we have something very important in common.
Charlie and Theresa? Yes, but more importantly we both hate pricks like all of the people in here.
And the dates were shit.
But there is nobody I'd rather experience shit with than you.
Oh! Heart.
(FINGERS CLICK) And now, please welcome to the stage our most beloved poet David Foster.
(FINGERS CLICK) (LAUGHS) OK, forget what I said.
This is the best date night ever.
(CLEARS THROAT) Er, good evening.
(CLEARS THROAT) This one is called .
.
The Landlord.
Oh! Amazing.
Am I the lord of the land? Or does the land own me? You win that.
You win.
My temptation while thinking I am free.
The drink flows free from the taps in the tavern.
The mind so full that the heart, the heart, like a cavern.
(LAUGHS) (FINGERS CLICK) There we go.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
Dr Shepherd.
Oh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Cheers.
It was actually hanging out the whole time.
Are you serious? It was just hanging there.
(LAUGHS) Talk about stepping into a dead man's shoes.
You know, I love how you don't mess around, Lemon.
So let me hit you with some directness too.
What do you say to coming back to my place? What do I say about coming back to your place? Can you step out from behind my bar, please, if you don't mind? Don't be so bloody rude.
Don't be so bloody rude.
Your father would be ashamed of your behaviour.
Your father would be ashamed of your behaviour.
Do you know what? Good night.
I don't need to waste my time with a monk.
No, I'm not a monk.
Romesh, I'm not here to replace your father and if you ever need to talk, I am always here to support you.
Yes, well, unless that support is financial, it's not very helpful to be honest with you.
Thanks anyway.
Oh! Let's go, Brian.
You're welcome, Romesh.
Do call me when you get home, so I know he's not followed you into the house.
The house paid for by your husband's life insurance let's not forget.
Well done.
That was very immature, wasn't it? Right, this is a record low.
I'm actually in the red with all your bloody IOUs.
Yeah.
Jesus, this has not been the best day.
You're drinking me into debt.
I've got a doctor actually wanting to play doctor with my mum.
I'm starting to feel like I've hit rock bottom.
Don't believe the hype Don't, don't, don't believe the hype Yeah Don't, don't Scratch that.
Don't believe the hype Lock up on your way out.
'Yes' was the start of my last jam So here it is again, another def jam I'm coming upstairs, Nat.
Get ready to believe the hype.
I don't know what I would do without you You might not be that sure in the end but your doubts do All that I'm in for that is the truth Just know that any time when you need me I've got you Don't believe the hype, know it if it feels right Don't believe the hype, know it if it feels right.