The Royle Family (1998) s02e04 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Peter Snow) Welcome to the future.
(Philippa Forrester) Tomorrow's World.
It's all here, from food flavourings to neuroscience.
(Snow) Tonight we find out what's happened to the baby fighting for life.
(Snores and mumbles) Has the new cap that's been fitted to cool his head helped him recover? (Philippa) Also, the latest thing out of Africa.
Craig Doyle takes a trip on top of the rainforest (Farts) to go in search of bolder tasting food.
(Peter Snow) And Lindsey Fallow goes rock climbing indoors.
A rugged way to exercise in the gym.
(# Tomorrow's World theme) First, the invention from New Zealand that could save babies round the world It's not won'th buying maternity ones.
I'm not gonna have another, no way.
Oh.
How are you and Dave getting on? (Sighs) Well I don't think he realises what hard work it is carrying another person around.
Oh, Mam.
I was looking in me baby book.
Guess what size it is now.
- What size? - The size of an orange.
An orange? Oh, Denise.
How lovely.
Oh, Mam.
I feel dead sad when I see Nana with that patch on her eye.
She was looking in there for baby things for you.
- Oh, was she? With just one eye? - Yeah.
She said they were too dear, though.
The thought was there.
Yeah.
Do you think she'll stay more than the week? (Sighing heavily) Oh.
Well, she wants to.
I haven't dared say anything to your dad yet.
He'll hit the roof.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you know.
You should have seen your dad before.
Your nana went upstairs with the remote by mistake in her handbag.
- Oh, no! Poor Nana.
- (Laughs) Then she made him take out the plugs.
Said she couldn't sleep with them all in.
He had to reset the video this morning and the air was blue.
- Wish it'd been her ears covered up.
- Yeah.
It's a shame I'm pregnant.
I could have took her out one afternoon.
Oh Are you still needing your naps in the afternoon? Yeah.
(Sniffs) Oh, aye.
You know where the bloody thing turned up, don't ya? Eh? Bloody Cyclops had it in her handbag, didn't she? I'd had that couch upside down and everything.
She's like a bloody vulture.
She's had the same bloody handkerchief up her sleeve for four days.
Aye.
I'll tell you what.
I'd love to have a look in that handbag.
Whoargh! We may as well have a mongrel, because that's all she does, is eat, shit and sleep.
(Mutters) (Woman on TV) On her front doorstep.
Climbing is also great exercise.
It works all sorts of major muscles (Jim) You see that eye patch? That could come off.
That's just there for effect.
Never mind.
Only two more days then she'll be away back to her own place.
There's the other eye, though, irt there? Oh, don't be saying that, will you, lad? - Dave? - Mm? - Do you fancy a beer tonight? - Ooh, yeah.
I'm in Barbara's bad books so when she comes in, you mither me, OK? But Denise will go mad at me then, Jim.
Don't worry about that.
I'll sort her out, no problem.
(Nana snores and sighs) (Murmurs softly) No sweeter sound, is there? Gah! I'd love to strangle the old cow.
Can I have a butty or summat, Mam? I'm starving.
- You just had chops and chips.
- That was ages ago.
Well, get yourself a Club biscuit.
Just one.
She comes round here eating and she's got her own house.
- She's always scoffing.
- I'm eating for two.
Mam, tell him.
I've got enough to think about with your dad and nana without you two starting.
- Hiya! - Hiya, Cheryl.
Hi, Barbara.
Hi, Antony.
- Ah, are you all right, Cheryl? - Yeah, how are you? Well, you know.
Just trying not to overdo it really.
Ooh, Denise.
Have you told Cheryl? - About what? - About what size it is now.
Oh, yeah.
Cheryl, guess what size it is now.
- Dunno.
- The size of an orange.
An orange? And I'm godmother to that orange.
- (Barbara laughs) - Oh, yeah.
- How are you doing at WeightWatchers? - Brilliant, thanks.
I'm doing really well.
- Ooh.
Do you want a biscuit? - Yeah.
Antony.
I can cut summat out tomorrow.
That's how we do it.
- Is it? - You can cut things out the next day.
(Barbara) Oh, that's very good, irt it? (Denise) Yeah.
Hey, your mam was telling me she's had to buy you a blender.
- Yeah.
- (Denise) You've got a blender, Cheryl? - Mam, I must get a blender.
- Ooh, yes.
- What do you do with it? - It's like You blend up a load of vegetables and it's only 18 calories a cup.
But it tastes horrible.
- But that's good, though, 18 calories.
- Yeah.
There's 150 in these.
(Barbara) In a Club? Ooh.
In a Club? Well, if there's 18 calories in a cup of vegetables, you know, when you weigh up, you could have, like, loads, really.
Just to equal the one Club, couldn't ya? Yeah, but I love the chocolate on a Club.
(Barbara) Ooh.
Yeah, yeah.
How's your nana's eye? We don't know.
She won't take the patch off.
They said she could.
I think she's leaving it on to annoy Jim.
Aaah, look at that.
Ha! - Oh, look at that lovely little baby.
- (AIl) Aaah.
Hee-hee-hee! (Denise) Hey, Cheryl, guess what we're getting.
A baby intercom.
So if we're downstairs we don't have to go all the way up to tell it to shut up.
God, I didn't need an intercom with you two.
I could hear you all over the house.
Antony, are you still seeing Emma? Why, are you after me now? - As if! - Antony! Yes, Cheryl.
He is still seeing Emma.
Why would anybody go out with you? Why can't you answer a civil question? - When are you bringing her round? - I'm not bringing her here.
We're not the Addams Family, Antony! - Did your nana find her watch? - (Denise) Yeah.
- Where was it? - In her handbag.
(Barbara sighs) Do you know, Denise, let me tell you something.
I'd done your nana's washing, I went to hang it on the line.
But she wouldn't let me hang her knickers out.
She didn't want your dad to see them.
I had to cover them up with a tea towel.
Should have used a sheet, the size of Nana's knickers! I am dreading tomorrow, to leave the two of them on their own all day.
I hate to think what I'll come back to.
- Dad still pretending the video's broke? - Yeah.
You'd think he'd just video Ricki Lake for her.
Ooh, he's selfish.
He's no time for the elderly, Jim.
He'll be old himself, one day.
Cheryl, your dad's going in the hospital next week, irt he? - Yeah.
- Oh, how does he feel about it, Cheryl? He's not really said anything.
Has Antony dyed his hair? - (Denise) Yeah.
- Thought he had.
(Philippa) Even though the walls are thousands of miles apart (Cheering on TV) - You all right, Ant? - All right, Dave? How's the band? - We've split up.
- Bloody hell.
(Sniggers) (Jim guffaws) (Chuckles silently) (Sighs heavily, pants) (Snorts, pants) (Guffaws loudly) (Dave whines) (Jim giggles) (Whines) (Jim sighs heavily) (Jim) Exit, Exit.
(Cackles) (Jim roars with laughter) (Jim sighs) (Jim grunts) (Jim) Exit.
(Laughs) Hey, right, did anyone see this film that was on last night about the tattoos? - No.
- Oh, it was absolutely brilliant.
There was this bloke, right, obsessed with this woman what was a model and he kidnapped her and he drugged her and then he covered her whole body from the neck downwards with a tattoo.
- (Barbara) Oh, did she not like it? - No! I'd hate that to happen to me.
(Cheryl) I know.
What happened in the end? When he'd finished the tattoo, he took his clothes off and he had one and all.
- (Barbara) Ooh! - Then they were doing it and his tattoo and her tattoo mingled into one.
- No.
- Did they? Yeah.
Then she grabbed the tattoo gun.
She stabbed him with it.
- (Barbara) Ooh! - Blimey! There was all ink everywhere.
- What a thing to happen.
- Yeah.
Ooh, I'd love another Club, Barbara.
He tattooed the whole of her body.
- (Jim) What, boobs and all? - Yeah, the full monty.
God, you want to be looking at them, not covering them up.
My point entirely, James.
(Door opens) (Sniffs) Oh, is she still asleep? Yeah.
She's got jaw ache, God love her.
- You all right, Dave? - Yeah.
- You had your tea? - Gonna stop for chips on t'way home.
- Denise wouldn't cook me owt.
- Well, don't forget, she is pregnant.
No chance of us forgetting.
Where did she inerit this lazy bloody streak from? (Barbara laughs) Oh, 'ey, Dave, Denise has just been telling me about that film last night.
- Oh, yeah.
Did you watch it, Barbara? - No.
Oh, brilliant it was.
This bloke kidnapped this woman, drugged her and tattooed her from the neck down.
- Oh.
- Brilliant, it was.
- Irt it awful when you weigh up? - Yeah.
- Was she a young girl, Dave? - Yeah, she was a model.
Was she? What was it called? Tattoo.
(American drawl) Hey, boss! The plane! Oh! Was he in it, that little dwarfy one? No.
- Ah, is Nana asleep? Ah! - (Barbara) Yeah.
I'm going now.
I just come in to see Nana.
- She's sleeping.
- Whatever you do, don't wake her up.
Is that the eye she had the cataract taken out of? (Jim) No, she's wearing that patch to help her to stop smoking.
- Of course it was that bloody eye! - (Barbara) Ignore him, love.
Do you want to take her up to the precinct for a few weeks? I'm gonna go and blend some vegetables for me supper.
- Oh, how lovely.
- Yeah.
(Various) See ya.
(Chuckles softly) (Jim) Very dynamic, that Cheryl.
What's this about blending vegetables? She's just joined WeightWatchers.
WeightWatchers? A room full of fat-arsed women paying money to be told not to shovel food into their gobs? - Seems to be sticking to it, don't she? - Yeah.
Mary was saying she'd had to get her in all these low-fat spreads and all sorts.
She's got her own compartment in the fridge.
What's it called, the freezer? Aah (Giggles) Aah Look at your nana.
Oh.
She's worn out, you know.
(Barbara) Don't they get more like children when they get older? Oh.
Hm.
Funny when you think about it, irt it? They look after you then you look after them.
Hm.
(Man) It's a problem.
(Peter) What are you going to do? (Man) Well, we need to test with properly commercial equipment (Newspaper rustles) to test whether or not this approach by reducing Well, there's nowt on the box.
are followed up many years later.
(Peter) So a very important change could take place? - Jim? - Yes, Dave? Do you fancy coming down the Feathers for a pint? Yeah, I don't mind, but it's not fair on Barbara.
(Barbara) Oh, Jim.
(Peter) Little things matter, even if they don't make headlines.
So I give you the ever-lasting traffic light.
- Shall we just go for the last hour, then? - Yeah, OK.
It's up to Barbara.
Ah We're having a nice time here, aren't we? There's no need for you to go out.
You don't need to go out, Dave.
We're having a nice time here.
I just thought I'd take your dad for a drink.
Well, he don't want to go.
He's just said.
No, he don't want to go, Dave.
(Philippa) To have to change bulbs that often is time-consuming (Denise) Antony, what's up with your face? Nowt.
- (Barb) Not seeing Emma tonight? - No.
Oh.
- Where is she? - Gone to the pictures with a friend.
What, a girl? No, a lad.
Her family and this family have been dead close for ages.
- It's just a mate, that's all.
- (Dave jeers) # Torn between two lovers (Denise joins in) # Feeling like a fool # Loving both of you Is breaking all the rules # Shut it.
You're doing my head in, you lot.
Leave him alone.
You don't know that.
I wouldn't have that, Antony, lad.
Brrr! - It's just a mate of hers.
- (Dave) Oh, aye? Be in t'cinema with her now with his big box of popcorn on his lap wi' a hole cut in t'bottom, offering her some.
- If you know what I'm saying.
- Like you do with Beverley Macker? Whoargh.
Mam, why does he always have to bring Beverley Macker into it? Just cos he's being two-timed.
She's not two-timing me.
They're just mates.
She might want to play the field.
Stick in there.
You've no qualifications, no prospects, but you never know.
- This other fellow might be a right loser.
- (Denise laughs) Right, that's it.
I'm going to Darrers.
(Door slams) - What's up with him? - What did you have to say that for, Jim? You know he hasn't got much confidence.
She's taking him for a ride.
I don't know why he's bloody bothering with her.
You haven't even met her.
Tell him straight before he throws money on her, before she dumps him.
Oh, that's all anything ever boils down to for you, Jim, irt it, money.
That's all you ever think about.
Dad, you was dead tight on Antony then.
Who was singing Torn Between Two bloody Lovers? (Denise) As a joke! Poor Antony.
- He looked dead upset, didn't he? - Yeah.
(Philippa) One of the most competitive industries is food.
Some manufacturers trek to the ends of the earth - Hey, Dave.
- Mm? What'd you do if I went to the pictures with a fella who was just a friend? Don't know.
- But would you be mad? - Dunno.
You would though, wouldn't ya? Don't know.
- You would.
- I don't know, do I? You've not been, have ya? And you're not gonna do, are ya? Bloody hell.
Dave, can't you try and be a bit more possessive? - He's hopeless him, irt he? - Yeah, well, they're all the same, love.
- All over you until you marry 'em.
- (Denise) Yeah.
(Craig Doyle) This camp, deep in the rainforest, is inabited by scientists.
(Barbara) Poor Antony.
They're looking for aromas which none of us have ever experienced.
Flavour isn't just about taste.
The smell and aroma is just as He really likes Emma, don't he? Oh, give over, will yer? He's a young bloody lad.
I'm not concerned about his love life, more about him getting a bloody job.
He's not tipping up enough, is he? Eh? And it's wrong.
The only bloody person who works in this house is your mother.
(Craig) Bob and Dave are scientists who Ooh, 'ey, Jim.
Joe's got his date for the hospital.
(Barbara) Ooh.
Ooh, that's just broken my dream.
I had a dream that Joe was pulling a caravan all on his own.
Ooh, Cheryl and Mary were inside and and Joe was pulling it like a big shire horse.
(Laughs) - I wonder what that means.
- (Jim) It means you're bloody mad.
No wonder Joe's going in hospital if he's pulling Cheryl and her mam around.
(AII laugh) I was looking everywhere for Jim to go and help him.
(Denise) You know what I dream about? (Barb) What? Aeros and ToffeeCrisps.
I've been having a weird one.
I keep dreaming that I'm strangling an old woman with an eye patch.
(Denise and Barbara) Ah! (Craig Doyle) The final preparations are going on here for the team to explore - Do you know who's a heavy sleeper? - No, who? - Him.
Dave.
Arert ya? - Mm.
I am.
Mm.
Nothing wakes him.
Nothing.
Hm.
I can't sleep at night, me.
He's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He'd fall asleep on a washing line.
Do you know, last night I could hear your nana snoring in your old room and your dad snoring next to me.
And the other night, your dad frightened me to death.
He sat bolt upright in the middle of the night.
All of a sudden.
- Was he dreaming? - No.
He thought he'd left the immersion on.
(Laughs) You know, when I'm asleep, is the baby asleep as well, do you think? - Oh - No, it's awake more than that, love.
(Nana snores gently) (Mutters) (Man) We have just pulled a flower off the tree.
(Craig Doyle) Dave is excited because one flavour is in tortilla chips.
- (Jim) Dave? - Mm? Can you bring the van round on Sunday to take Norma back? I don't like the idea of her travelling on the bus with the eye patch on.
It doesn't seem quite right.
Yeah, no bother.
What time do you want me to come round? Don't worry about it, Dave.
To be honest, I think she'll need to stay another week.
Another bloody week? Over my dead body.
- Jim! She thinks the world of you.
- Thinks the bloody world of me? She had a family-sized bag of Revels and did she offer me one? Did she shite! She sat on her fat arse announcing every one that she put into her fat gob.
(Falsetto) Ooh, coconut! Oh, orange! Ooh, Malt-bloody-tesers! Oh.
Is that it, then? We can't look after my mother because she wouldn't share a bag of Revels? Grow up, Jim.
Me? She makes me un-bloody-plug everything before we go to bed then has the sodding electric blanket on! Your mam and dad, God rest their souls, I'd've done anything for them.
- She should be in a bloody home.
- She is in a home.
She's in our home.
That's where she's staying.
With a family that loves her.
(Munches) Ooh, caramel I think.
Oh, no, it's not caramel.
It's, er Ooh, it's coffee, I think it's coffee.
Greedy old cow.
(Craig Doyle) So this one could be from nine in the morning? - And the aroma does change? - It will change over time.
So, Dave, have you found anything of interest here? Craig, the trip has been super.
It has exceeded our expectations.
- Is it nearly time for The Bill? - Hello, Norma, love.
Back with us, eh? I wasrt asleep.
I was just resting my eyes.
(Jim) Of course you were, love.
- Hello, Denise.
- Hiya, Nana.
- Hello, David.
- Hiya, Nana.
When did you come? I didn't hear you come.
Oh, we've not been here long.
How are you feeling now, Nana? Not so bad.
It's very hard when you've got one eye, having been used to two.
But, er I don't say anything.
(Philippa Forrester) Now, take a look at this.
What's that? Because it's got a hole in the middle.
It's also got I can't be doing with this.
I don't watch this when I'm at home.
(Jim) It's a good job you slept through it, eh, Norm.
- Did you get my Senopods, Barbara? - Yeah.
Do you know, Barbara, I think it might be a blockage.
- (Barbara) Do you? - Mm.
Something to do with my eye.
(Nana) Hey, you know the specialist.
- Yeah.
- Dr Crawford, who, erm operated on my eye Do you know what he's called? Yeah, Mr Crawford.
Do you know what his name is? - Michael Crawford.
- Oh You know, like, "Ooh, Betty!" Oh, dear.
I didn't say anything to him, you know, because, erm Well, you can't to a specialist, can you? And, er, I bet he gets it all the time.
Hey, David.
David.
You'll like this.
That specialist who operated on my eye.
Do you know what he was called? Michael Crawford.
You know, like, er"Ooh, Betty!" Ha! You know that programme Oh, Denise.
Do you know what he said to me? "Even though I'm taking the cataract out of your eye "I'm leaving the twinkle in.
" Ooh, Barbara, I hope he has.
Mm.
Ooh, is it tonight? That thing with a man dressed as a chicken? I don't know, Mam.
Yeah, you know, Denise, that man.
He's a chicken.
Oh, it is funny.
I do like that programme.
- I don't know what you're on about.
- David.
Will you look in the paper? I'd hate to miss it.
- Do you know what it's called, Nana? - No.
I can't see anything that it might be, Norma.
Oh, Nana, do you know what it might be? It might be the Chicken Tonight advert.
No, it's not that, but I like that.
- Is that on tonight, David? - I don't know.
The ads aren't in here.
Barbara, what's it called? That thing with that man dressed as a chicken? Right, that's it! Get your coat on, Dave.
# So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #