The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

Let's make
The whole year Christmas.
No reason to forget this
Feeling we're feeling now
We gotta keep it going all year round
Hey, can one of you hand me the stapler?
- Holy shit.
- Are you okay?
I'm good!
Hey, don't you think
we have enough decorations?
I know I went a little overboard.
I just really love Christmas.
I mean, Winter Holidays.
Dude, it's okay to say Christmas.
No, that was exclusionist.
I love Winter Holidays.
Damn, those chlamydia pills are huge.
Is that a normal dosage
or do you have a high bacterial load?
We're not having this discussion.
I didn't know lesbians could get STIs.
Bela, that's so offensive.
Although I didn't know
that was a possibility either.
Okay. They can. I did. End of talk.
Hey, have you at least told the girls
you were with last week?
I'm treating them how I wanna be treated,
by fully ignoring it
and taking a pill in peace.
Leighton Murray!
Look, one of those girls gave it to me
and I didn't get a call.
I'm just following their lead!
I'm with you. You don't owe them anything.
One of them bugged your bits.
If I were you, I would write them
a nice hand-written note.
Uh-uh, I'd call, so it's not in writing.
If anything, just send them
the clap emoji, a taco emoji,
and then a peace sign. They'll get it.
All right, this is not up for discussion.
Everyone stop talking about my vagune!
Are you irritated? Is it flaring up?
Ooh, that's a yes.
Ladies, I just talked to my rep
from the fertility clinic on the phone,
and you'll never believe it,
her name is Kimberly, too.
Yes, it's a very common name.
Well, she and I had
a great big laugh about it.
You still feeling good about
the whole selling your eggs thing?
Yeah, I'm actually excited.
Like, the past few months
have been so stressful
and I can't wait to get through this
and feel like
a normal college student again.
- I'm really happy for you.
- Thanks.
Is that noise coming from Jackson's room?
Yeah, it's been happening for a while.
It sounds more mechanical than usual.
Shh! Shh! Let me listen.
I have perfect pitch for vibrators.
I think it's a Kyro Wand.
Well, he's rudely not responding
to text messages or knocking.
I'll handle this.
- But what if he's with someone?
I think I'm gonna go with her.
Yeah, I'm gonna go too
for emotional support!
Okay.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's up?
It's a bit loud in here.
Could you keep it down?
Yeah. Sorry about that. I just finished.
You and me, both.
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
Why was that the hottest fucking thing
I've ever seen?
- I didn't know backs had any muscles.
- Can you guys shut up?
I'm trying to burn
that image in for later.
- Hey.
- Okay, that'll help.
Kimberly, have you looked at
the reading list for Irish Lit this week?
Yeah, it's way too much.
What does the Professor think we are?
Like, people who can read fast?
Yeah, I know.
I was hoping we could split it up?
Maybe we can both read some
then fill each other in on the rest?
Yeah. That's really smart.
Let's totally do that.
Great.
Oh, my God.
- That's really smart.
- That's totally good.
So, what time are you
having sex with Jackson tonight?
I gotta charge
my noise-canceling headphones.
We're just studying together!
That was a platonic study invite.
Yeah, but it's Jackson.
One time, I saw a girl go into his room
with a book and come out with a limp.
You deserve to have some fun!
Let him drill you into that wall
like you're the TV.
Do you guys really think he's trying
to have a sexy study date?
- Yes!
- Absolutely.
- I better go put on a sexier bra.
- Not the beige one!
The options are beige,
lima bean, or black.
- Obviously black.
- Okay.
Oh, good, my brow tinter
can fit me in before Kappa.
What time are we going
to this thing again?
First of all, it's not just a thing,
it is the final rush event.
And I cannot believe that you have made it
this far when you barely rushed
and you have little to no fashion sense.
What can I say? When you got it, got it.
- Just glad you're giving it a chance.
- Hey, this is new Whitney.
She says yes and tries things
because she has
literally nothing else going on.
All I want is to be able to text my mom
a pic of me wearing her Kappa pin.
Leighton, that's so sweet.
After everything with Nico,
she could use some good news.
I didn't even think you guys got along.
Just because her name is in my phone
as the Babadook
doesn't mean I don't love the bitch.
Hey. We should go get our nails done.
Why? Yours look great.
Yeah, they do. That was more
of a little reminder for you. Let's go.
- Come on.
- Damn. Okay.
Okay. We're finalizing the staff page,
so last call for headshots.
Lila?
Can you send me one
without your boobs on a tray?
You said to highlight my strengths.
Has everyone posted the countdown
for our launch on their Stories?
We go live in ten hours!
How are our numbers looking?
They're a-frickin'-mazing.
We're primed to reach
one in every eight people on campus.
One in eight? Carla, that sucks.
Does it? Because I love positivity.
Okay. Can I talk to someone else
about this? Jo, maybe?
It turns out a lot of us share
the same social following,
so we're missing a lot of people.
Oh, my God. A bunch of foot fetishists
follow me, will that help?
Look, we need to reach more people
or this will never work.
We left the Catullan, a group that's
a legit feeder into the NBC page program,
to make something better, not worse.
- We need to fix this.
- Bela, chill.
I have a lot riding on this.
Yeah, we all do,
but we never thought we were gonna have
a big audience right away.
We just have to start small,
make good content,
and hopefully people will find us.
Ah! One of my foot guys
just texted back.
He said he'll promote us.
Whatcha watching?
Oh, I got my Biochem quiz back
and your girl moved
from the bottom third of the class
- to the middle third!
- Hey! Congrats.
Thank you. But I know I can do better,
so I'm watching a video
on what acellular means,
because how can anything have no cells?
That's nonsense.
This study geek vibe on you is so cute.
Oh, what time should I get
to the KJ House tonight?
You said the party starts at 9:00,
so is that like a Black 10:30?
Usually, yes. But the Kissmas party
is our biggest party of the year,
so I would get there early.
Biggest party of the year? Okay.
And I wanted to invite you
to the official after-party.
It's in my room,
it's just us, and it's fully naked.
I will RSVP yes to that.
- Gotta get to work.
- Okay.
Actually, I wanna ask you something.
Will you be my girlfriend?
What the fuck?
Was I not his girlfriend already?
Did you think I was his girlfriend?
Because I thought I was his girlfriend.
Yeah. You definitely called yourself
his girlfriend multiple times,
so, I can't lie, that is embarrassing.
I just don't get how he didn't consider me
his girlfriend until like 14 minutes ago.
Do you think this means he's been seeing
other people? It might, right?
Well, did you ask him
if he was seeing other people?
No. Are you crazy?
You don't ask guys these things.
You ask everyone else you know.
Okay. Look, I'm not some successful dater
of boys who can help you with this,
but you know who can? Kappas, right?
Ask some of the seniors.
I'm sure they've seen it all.
Yeah. You're right.
You know, I'm starting to see some
of the upsides to being in a sorority.
We are Kappa Beta Rho.
We set trends wherever we go.
Am I supposed to be scared?
That a Kappa girl always steals the show.
We are Kappa, don't you know?
- Terrifying.
- Leighton?
Natalie. Hi.
- I didn't know you were rushing Kappa.
- I am.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Were you just not gonna tell me
you gave me chlamydia?
There she is.
Yup, it's me.
- I'm so glad you could make it.
- Me too.
Me too.
We've got so much stuff to cover!
Hi, Fred from Lit class.
Or as my classmates from Poly Sci
would call me, "Fred from Poly Sci."
Yeah. I ran into Fred and I thought
we could make our study duo into a trio.
- Yeah.
- Who wants Chex Mix Muddy Buddies?
Okay. Which do you like better,
this or this?
I came here to have sex,
not look at 30 options of the Catullan
holiday issue that all look she same.
They don't all look the same.
They have different font sizes
and variable kerning. Look.
I can't believe I still wanna have sex
with you after what you just said.
Okay.
I gotta email this to the print guy.
I need to get it in by 2:00 for same-day.
How's your launch looking?
Tonight's the night, right?
Yup. We go live at midnight.
The Catullan issue comes out
tonight, too. A little competition, huh?
Yeah, I'm shaking in my thong.
Look,
I know it's tough starting a new thing,
but I'm excited to read it.
Well, you'll probably be the only one.
What you're doing is cool.
It's way more impressive than the Catullan
just using a bunch of alumni money
to print copies and dump them
in front of every student's door.
Okay. Let's do this.
And, hey, could you
bite my neck, like, less?
Last time it felt like I was having sex
with Edward Cullen.
- What's happening?
- Actually, I gotta go.
Perfect. I'm glad I got
completely pantsless for you to leave.
Hey, so I have an idea.
I can't believe you gave me
the clap and didn't tell me.
Okay. Who's to say I gave it to you?
You might've given it to me.
You're the only person
I've slept with lately!
Okay. I know you wanna talk about this,
but this is not the time.
- I just want you to apologize.
- Oh, my God.
Okay. Can you just stop?
Can I just Venmo you
for the cost of your meds
and we can leave this
very mediocre sex we had behind us?
What was that?
Oh, nothing.
It seemed pretty heated.
Natalie came in with some
very intense competitive energy.
Didn't feel very Kappa to me,
but it's fine.
Oh, really?
- No, I shouldn't have said anything.
- No, it's important.
We can't let anyone in
that'll throw off the vibes.
We have to preserve the vibes.
I always say that.
It's so funny you mention it, too,
- Yeah.
So I thought we were already
an official couple,
but then he brings his whole,
"Will you be my girlfriend?" thing on me.
Like, what the hell?
It sounds like you were in
a one-sided situationship, babe.
Totally, 100%.
My ex had this whole ho-tation.
He was hooking up with a bunch of girls
every time he went home.
Canaan doesn't seem like
he'd do something like that.
Well, they never do, until they do.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Uh, yeah. In the fall,
- Yeah.
- What's going on here?
We're talking about what to do
when a guy is being sus.
Honestly, the minute a guy is being sus,
I go through his phone.
It has all the answers.
Do I feel great about it? No.
But I'd rather know for sure
than waste my time.
- Totally.
- Totally.
Uh, thanks.
I don't think I could do that,
but I appreciate the convo.
Okay. That's all I've got
for Seamus Heaney.
That's so helpful.
I read some of the McDonagh stuff,
I hope my notes are okay.
Oh, hang on, my Chinese food is here.
And, don't worry,
I got dumps for the table.
It's so nice we get to do this with Fred.
Hey.
I'm happy we've got a second alone,
'cause I wanna tell you there's
another reason why I asked you over.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I don't know
Fred's, like, really into you.
He asked me if I could link you guys up,
so that's why I invited him over.
So, what do you think?
Of Fred?
Fred who showed us
his digital trading cards?
He seems like a really sweet guy.
Got the food. Sorry I took so long.
You were gone for, like, ten seconds.
So, who's hungry?
Okay. We got this, girls.
We absolutely do.
Be right out!
If this works, we're gonna get
so many subscribers.
Yeah, but aren't you worried
that Eric's gonna get pissed
and fog up his little glasses?
No. He'll be fine.
He knows we're competing.
He said so himself.
I was really looking forward
to never seeing this guy Roy again.
He thinks I'm Eric's assistant
and he always taps my hand
with his damp fingers.
- Hey, Roy. Nice to see you.
- You too, sweetie!
How can I help
the Catullan's best gal today?
Oh, wow.
Hi, Roy. I'm Bela.
We little ladies could use your help.
There was one last edit to the cover art
for tonight's issue,
but we forgot to make it
before Eric sent it to you.
And if we don't fix this,
we're gonna be in big trouble.
The approved cover is on here.
Will you help us girls out?
Of course, sweetie.
Oh, my God. Our moms were totally
in the same rush class!
- We have to take a pic to send them!
- Totally.
- Leighton, can I have a moment?
- Sure.
I will be right back
to take that picture, Jordan.
What's up?
Did you talk shit about me to the Kappas?
Because I feel like I'm getting iced out.
During the house tour,
they left me in the cellar.
- Um, no, I haven't mentioned you at all.
- Really?
Because I saw you looking my way
when you were talking to Quinn.
Oh, Natalie, you're making
this really weird, okay?
Maybe focus more on rush
and less on who I'm talking to.
It's now time
for my favorite Kappa rush tradition.
Secret seat. Secret seat.
Secret seat. Secret seat.
For our final moments of rush,
I invite each of you
to sit in the secret seat
and share a sexy secret.
And, Abby, you're first!
I went down on my boyfriend
on the London Eye!
Secret seat.
Secret seat. Secret seat.
Secret seat. Secret seat. Secret seat.
Last week, Leighton Murray
gave me chlamydia!
This Christmas gonna be a little different
Hey, get it. Oh, my God.
This is so damn dope.
I mean, back at Kappa,
that was like bad-bad, right?
- Hated to watch. Couldn't look away.
- Got it.
But I can't even think about that when
all of this is happening in front of me.
I'm gonna check with Quinn to check in
on deliberations. Very casually, though.
- Yeah, you're in a very casual place.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, babe. This is rough.
Wait. What's going on?
How'd it go with Jackson?
Oh, bad. Turns out
he was planning a sexy date,
but not for me and him.
For me and this guy.
He looks like
he would treat you very well.
Yeah, he's fine, I guess.
But now I know how Jackson sees me.
He sees me with a guy like this?
Jackson clearly thinks
I'm not in his league, which is fine.
But is anyone in Jackson's league?
No. He's like a Greek god that came
to Earth as punishment for being too hot.
Oh, forget it. How was Kappa?
One of the girls announced that Leighton
gave her chlamydia.
- What?
- Should we all get very large drinks?
- Yes.
- Perfect.
There he is.
- Damn, Santa.
- You're here.
The party has officially started.
What was that for?
Just kissing my girlfriend.
This is my favorite party of the year
and I can't wait to spend it with you.
- Oh, damn.
- What?
My phone keeps falling out
of these Santa pants.
Do you mind holding it in your bag for me?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah?
This is my song. Let's go.
Turn it up, turn it up
It's a holiday, yeah
- We fucking did it!
- It's here? Let me see it.
What did you do?
We needed a splashy way to announce
our magazine to the world,
so we Trojan Horsed the Catullan!
We replaced their cover with a QR code
that leads to our site instead.
Us sneaky bitches out-snuck the boys!
Who wants a signed copy?
Now the Foxy is at the doorstep
of every person on campus!
Bela, that is so cool!
Oh, my God. Look, we're already getting
so many new followers. Yes!
Cheers me with your boobs.
Say Kissmas!
Kissmas!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way.
So, wait, you're telling me
you talked shit about this girl,
gaslit her and then sabotaged her,
all after you gave her chlamydia?
Okay, so I can see how that would
Look like a bitch?
Bitch, you were a bitch.
That's what I said. In less harsh words.
Okay. But what do you think I should do?
Look, I wanna help you, but I gotta follow
that tight linebacker into a private room,
so I'm gonna go. Kimberly, fix your girl.
Okay. So I really messed up.
But you know what?
I am just gonna text Quinn
and I'm gonna tell her to call me.
- Who should we give these to?
- Hot guys first and then everybody else.
Hey, great party, huh?
Do you like college comedy?
Hey, daddy. You like to laugh?
Scan the code on the cover.
Bela, did you do this?
Eric, uh, hi.
Yes, yes, I did.
And I'm sure you're upset,
but I'm hoping part of you is also proud.
No! What the fuck?
How could you do this to me?
Especially since we're hooking up!
Chill out, my slim-hipped cutie!
I'm sorry, but I had to do it!
I honestly thought
you'd sort of respect it.
Well, I don't. This is such a mess.
He got caught in the Cupid shuffle!
He's just being thrown around
like a little pinball.
How embarrassing.
Ho, ho, ho, KJ House.
Hey. Y'all been naughty or nice?
Naughty!
All right, now, who wanna come
take a picture with Santa?
Santa should always be this ripped.
Honestly, well said.
Wait. Is that Zoe
from the coffee shop?
I didn't know she kicked it
at the KJ House.
Yeah. Canaan invited her
during our shift yesterday.
And girlie's wearing the lil booty dress.
I helped picked out for her. Get it, Zo!
- You want to take a picture?
- Yeah. One sec. I'll be right back.
Leighton, you need to chill out.
We're in the middle of delibs.
- I'm in the templum!
- Heard.
But I need to tell you something.
Natalie was telling the truth.
I gave her chlamydia.
And I probably gave it
to few more girls, too.
It's been a weird month.
But Natalie wasn't the one
throwing vibes off today. I was.
I was being socio, and I'm so sorry.
Fine. Message received.
Now, please stop texting.
Okay. But it's just Kappa
is all I've ever wanted.
And she hung up. Perfect.
What are you doing?
- I'm going through Canaan's phone.
- Stop.
Girl, please, you don't exactly have
the moral high ground
when it comes to choices right now.
Okay, brutal, but fair.
Still, no good is gonna
come from you doing this.
Oh, my God. I knew it.
I knew something was up.
Whitney, wait. Whit!
- What's up?
- Hey. I didn't know you'd be here.
Hey, thanks again for all the help today.
You and Fred are the smartest people
I've ever met.
And is that why you think
we're, like, a match?
Look, he asked me to ask you,
so I thought I'd help him out.
Guys like Fred don't usually
have a shot with girls like you.
What do you mean "girls like me,"
like short and chatty?
Hot.
You're hot.
You mind telling me
what this text from Zoe is about?
"Hey, thanks for meeting up with me.
I know you're with someone,
but I needed you to know how I feel."
You went through my phone?
That's so out of pocket, Whitney!
Then why are you meeting up with girls
who have crushes on you?
Were you trying to keep her
I don't have a bench! And nothing happened
between me and Zoe.
The only reason I talked to her
is because we work together.
So I let her down nice.
It's not my fault that she likes me.
Well, then, why would you keep
that from me?
Because I knew you would overreact
like this! Like you did before!
- I need a beat.
- I said I need a beat.
We look good on paper
So I sparked too much and lit it on fire
When you got too close I watched us
Go up in smoke, but it's all right
It'll be fine.
Just let Canaan sleep it off
and go see him in the morning.
I really don't wanna talk about it.
How do I tell my mom I won't be a Kappa?
For what it's worth,
I think you're better off without them.
I just, I always thought being a Kappa
was the first step to a certain life.
But, yeah.
Yeah, maybe I don't need that.
This might be for the best.
It is. And, hey, maybe start
a cool, queer sorority or something.
Now, I'm sad again.
Oh.
Look, there it is.
My official rejection letter.
Damn. I didn't know
they made envelopes so small.
Kappas are ruthless.
Wait, what? I got in.
- You did?
- I did!
Oh, my God, I'm so happy!
You literally just said not getting in
was for the best.
Well, obviously, that was
to protect myself if I did get rejected.
Everyone get in your filming positions.
I have an acceptance video to record.
I'm sorry you didn't get an envelope.
It's fine. Unlike her,
I actually don't care.
Well, shit.
Okay.
Wait, Eric, I'm so, so sorry.
What you did was really screwed up!
You made me look like an asshole!
I only messed with the Catullan
to try to do something good for the Foxy.
I wasn't trying to do
something bad to you.
- The site is good.
- You read it?
It's really, really good.
Learning to code HTML was really hard.
Oh, fuck. Keep going!
Wait. Dude! Did you hack our site
and turn our cursor into
the Catullan logo with a big penis?
I did.
You fucked with our magazine,
so I fucked with yours.
But it's nothing personal, right?
Just competition.
Right. And we're gonna burn
the Catullan to the fucking ground.
What you mean is you and your friends
I don't wanna be fighting with you.
Me neither.
It's just that I knew Zoe was after you
and when I saw that message
- It doesn't matter if she's into me.
I'm a good-looking guy
without, like, major problems.
People are gonna be into me.
The only thing that matters is,
I'm not into her
- and you didn't believe me.
- I did.
Kind of. I just needed evidence
from your phone to believe it.
Look, I know I was wrong
and I will never do it again.
Whit, I don't think
this is gonna work out between us.
Wait. What?
It's just, it shouldn't be this hard.
I think we call it.
Wait. Canaan, please.
Because of one thing?
I know it's not one thing,
This is best.
You're lost right now,
and our trust is broken.
If I don't talk to you, Merry Christmas.