The Simple Life (2003) s02e04 Episode Script

I don't even know anything about Mississippi.
It's where Forrest Gump was from.
Well, the girls are rolling on in to Mississippi, and hoping for some good old southern hospitality.
But some families have their own idea of what hospitable means.
- Y'all think you y'all can teach them something? - Yeah.
Southern hospitality isn't something you just learn, you're born and grow up with it.
I don't want y'all boys taking any long showers after these girls show up.
Paris and Nicole are not as much on the conservative side.
The girls are little bit more conservative around here.
They just think just 'cause they got money, they can do whatever they want, when they want.
James, we're trying to give a good impression, please.
What happened to the bell? - Hi, girls.
- Hi.
How you doing? Hi, I'm Paris.
- Come on in.
- Yeah.
Come in to the crib.
It smells good in here.
Hi, Nicole.
Nice to meet you.
- That's grandma.
- Hi, grandma.
Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Okay, would y'all like to have a seat in here and we'll go over a few rules of the house.
I don't think Nicole and Paris are used to having rules laid down for them, but I'll do my best to instill some of the southerness in them.
Well, girls, welcome to our home.
We just want to go over a few simple rules that we have around here.
My big deal is no shoes in the house, because it tracks mud.
Standard rule.
You get something, you put it back.
It's your mess, you clean it up.
That is my rule.
We got plenty of animals in here.
We love animals, as you can see.
You love animals? They're, like, dead on the walls.
Okay.
What are those things with the little horns? That's a deer.
That's the first deer that these boys killed when they were young.
We're big deer lovers.
We love to grill them .
.
fry them .
.
barbecue them.
They're babies? You can tell the difference when you eat them.
In fact, we're going to prepare one in a little while.
- I can't.
- I won't.
I won't try that.
I'm going to pop the whip on them.
Let's take two girls both filthy rich Isn't that Paris Hilton? From the bright lights into the sticks from velvet ropes to cattle pulls let's take away their limousines their credit cards and shopping sprees well, they're both spoiled rotten will they cry when they hit bottom? Heaven knows if they'll survive this simple road trip kind of life.
Where the hell are we? We're going to have to cook here in a little bit.
Y'all are gonna have to help me prepare.
- A deer? - A deer.
I'm not eating it.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
Okay, here we go.
Onion powder.
Thanks.
You want to put some of that in here.
I'm really not a good cook.
Blech.
You could try getting some of it in the cup.
Oh.
You know, that would help out.
Want to get a spoon and mix it up.
Drink it.
You're crazy.
Just one.
You got to try a piece of the deer sausage.
Got to try some deer.
- Here.
- No.
Oh, yeah.
I'll do it, I'm not scared.
No, you do it now.
We'll do it at the same time.
Mine's liquid.
Yours is solid.
Do it.
- Go.
- You go.
- Go.
- You go.
Go.
I'll do it.
Put that back in your mouth.
No, it's so gross.
No, you're a liar.
Thanks for spitting it back into the plate.
That's really hot.
It's gross.
It's dripping.
Whatever, you went back on your word.
They just want to dish out stuff, but they can't take it.
What does your, uh, your waiter, or whatever, serve you? My waiter? Whatever, your maid or whatever.
What do they serve, what kind of food? I live alone with my sister, so I make my own food.
That's a surprise.
Look, if y'all ain't going to do anything, y'all need to go work on the pool.
Are you kidding? What do you want us to do? We got to unscrew everything.
Going to have to get under this deck.
Everything, going to have to tear it down.
Why is there mud in the pool? Come on, we got to get this done.
What are you doing? You're so good at it.
Why don't you just do the whole thing if you know how to do it? What are you doing? Why is this pool, like, made out of plastic? Nicole and Paris are, uh, what I've come to expect.
Stop! Here you go.
What is that? Oh, my god! They're just, I think airheads, that's all, airheads.
I want to know how you live.
How do I live? I pay someone to live for me.
I want to put a bikini on and lay out.
I know.
This is so lame.
How many blondes does it take to unscrew one screw? James, I have respect for myself, and this is my best friend, so I have respect for her, and I'm being dead (bleep) honest right now, that if you call me dumb or her dumb one more time, I don't care how many steroids you take or how many egg yolks you drink, how many push-ups you do-- I'm being dead (bleep) serious-- I will beat your (bleep) face in.
Do you think I haven't done it? I've done it before and I will do it again.
I really don't care.
So watch you (bleep) mouth.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'm over it.
I give up.
Nicole is really worse than Paris.
Like, "the mouth of the south" is what we call that kind of person down here.
- Can I ask you a question? - What's that? Why is your brother such a (bleep) (bleep).
'Cause whenever he's around people, whenever people, like he's trying to show off.
Especially when girls are around, he's bad.
Well, he's never going to get a girlfriend that way.
He has one now.
Tell him to go, like, do some push-ups or something and blow off some steam.
- I hate him.
- I hate him, too.
Well, things are getting awfully heated between the girls and James.
He's so annoying.
But Mr.
Skinner has an idea that'll cool things off.
What I want y'all to do is help us out with the fire department calendar.
I got some guys coming, we got a truck coming.
- Could we change our outfits? - Whatever.
Y'all wear what you want.
- Let's go get changed.
- Let's go! This is like a fireman thing, right? Y'all got to be on y'all's best behavior now.
Are any of them cute? I can't see.
Does she walk? Does she talk? Does she come complete? Hi, guys.
I want you to make sure that you got these guys where you want them.
My blood runs cold, oh, yeah There you go.
Good.
My angel is a centerfold I want you to pose them with the hose somehow.
Okay.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
My angel is a centerfold bend over.
My blood runs cold oh, yeah Give me the face like you love it.
My angel is a centerfold angel is a centerfold my blood runs cold my memory has just been sold my angel is a centerfold.
I like that.
There you go.
Can we get him all the way over there? Hey, give me some more pressure.
You got it? That's for calling us dumb and rude! Come on! They just think they can run over somebody.
No, not down here.
We get we get even.
Go, quick, quick.
Let's go! Oh, my god! What is that? That's a fire extinguisher.
It is? Is it cold? I hate him.
He's over there.
He's so gross.
I'm gonna do it when he least expects it.
Just stay right here.
He'll come back.
One thing James should learn: I always get the last laugh.
What are those for? For the table, yeah.
Just going all out.
We are having a family dinner.
Well, we need to eat.
Where's Nicole? She doesn't want to come.
Did you tell her that that would upset me? Yeah.
- Yes, ma'am? - Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.
- Why? 'Cause she hates him, and he sprayed her with that thing.
Oh, man.
Go apologize, James.
What if he goes apologizes? - She won't come.
- We got to have supper.
I'm hungry.
She don't want me to go out there, after I worked.
We can make it right.
Go make it right.
- You gonna come in? - Come in where? To eat.
No, I'm doing my hair.
My hair got ruined.
- How did it get ruined? - How did it get ruined? By you spraying all that gray (bleep) in my hair after they asked you not to.
Just come and sit for 15 minutes.
No, thank you.
How long is it gonna take you to brush that thing? Normally, like, if I had shoulder-length hair, it would take me an hour.
If I had her length hair, probably two and a half.
- You can't be serious.
- Um, yeah.
I guess we go back over there.
Well, the girls may need an hour or so to get ready for dinner.
What's the deal? Uh, she ain't coming.
All right, let's eat.
But to get ready to go clubbing I'm ready.
Only takes a minute.
Let's go and tell the family we're leaving.
Scoobys is so blind he won't even be able to notice that we're gone.
You were right not to say bye, 'cause there would have been, like, an hour explanation.
Making fun of our outfits, making fun of our hair, our makeup, our clothes.
I am so happy to get out of the house.
There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me Lord, we thank you for this food before us in Jesus' holy name.
Amen.
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life Well it's life, but I'm sure there's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me Yo, girls, the gravy train's over with.
The what? The gravy train-- it's over with.
Buddy of mine called.
He's got a job for y'all.
Now, y'all want to make a couple coins? Here's the directions.
Thanks.
Well, the girls just can't seem to get along with the Skinners, but they'll never get out of here unless they earn some money.
So, there off to make and sell some boudin, better known as Cajun sausage.
Hi.
I'm Paris.
- Nice to meet you, Paris.
- Nice to meet you.
Are you Rene? Yes, ma'am.
- You're sexy.
- Thank you.
Do y'all want an apron or y'all going to go like that? Apron for what? To keep the stuff from getting all over you.
What stuff? - The liver and the guts.
- What do you think? The meat.
- And a few other things that you got to do.
- The guts? I think y'all definitely need some aprons.
You have pink ones? First of all, we got pork-- Boston butt.
Then we're going to throw that in the pot.
You got skin.
I'm gonna heave.
The skin? Pork skin.
You don't need to cut that at all.
You got your liver.
- Is that foie gras? - No, that's pork liver.
Oh.
Foie gras would be a duck liver.
I like that.
That's good.
I'm gonna add some water to it and get it cooking.
Dump the remainder of this in here.
And the remainder of this in here and stir it up.
This is what it's going to look like after it's cooked.
It looks really delicious.
Doesn't it? Go ahead and stick your finger down there.
Ew! Step over here to the grinder.
So we're going to grind it.
Ew! Look.
- Does it look tasty or what? - No.
It looks like poop.
Then comes the fun part.
What's it doing? All this is is a cylinder that comes up, forces it out of here into here.
Ew! What are those? What's that? Pig intestines.
You gotta apply it on there.
You love this part, don't you? Yes, ma'am.
All right, do it.
What we're going to do is just push it and let it come out.
That's how you make sausages? That's sick.
Oh, my god.
You have to be careful, 'cause it's very slippery.
Y'all taking this serious, or what? Yeah, it's so serious.
You ready to get started, or what? Yeah, let's do it.
I didn't hear anything he said, did you? Yeah.
Um, cut the meat.
Look, it's all slushy.
We could make a milk shake out of it.
A liver shake.
That's sick.
Don't let the blood splatter on your outfit-- it'll be ruined.
It's so gross.
I'm never eating a sausage again.
I know, it's sick.
You're not supposed to chop it like that.
Don't put the rubber band Don't drop it.
Looks like blood.
- How we coming? - Good.
Got to make this boudin right 'cause we take pride in this.
Okay, we got everything ready to go? You're spilling it everywhere.
Ow.
My belly button ring got caught on this thing.
Smells good.
What else is on this street? Nothing.
Some school boys.
What the hell are y'all doing? We eating or we working? - Dancing.
- Dancing? You dance after we done selling this boudin.
It's ready.
All right, what do you do, hold it for air? Turn that on.
This makes it faster.
Is that right? I don't feel any air.
What's this? Maybe that What is wrong with you? Oh, my god.
What the hell are y'all doing? Making sausages.
Looks like you're making a mess.
Oh, my gosh.
I don't even know what to say.
Where do we sell them? Do whatever you need to do.
I need my hundred bucks.
Y'all need to sell 50 links.
Let's get it going.
Do you want sausage? Sausage! Did you make it or did Rene make it? I made it.
Thanks (bleep).
Ma'am, come here.
- Do you guys like sausages? - Oh, sure.
- Do you want to buy some? - We're broke.
Sausage! Can I pay five dollars for some sausage? I'll give you one sausage for five dollars.
How's that? Do I have to show you a little skin to get more out of you? Do you want to buy some sausage? Sure.
I made them myself with my very own precious hands.
Okay, what kind of meat? Um pork, uh, chicken, beef? It's everything.
- Pork.
- Pork? Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm jewish.
I can't eat pork, but Oh, okay.
Then they're kosher.
There's not they're not pork.
They're not pork now? Okay, sounds delicious.
They're vegetarian sausage.
I'm a good saleswoman.
Yeah.
What am I gonna do with the sausage? I don't know, but I don't have bags.
Sorry.
Okay, well, thank y'all.
Do you want sausage? We have enough money.
I have dog food in the car; I'll go grab it.
And we'll put dog food in and make it into a sausage.
I hate James.
There they are.
- We did it.
- You did it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Did y'all have fun? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, we appreciatey'all coming in.
Y'all did a good job.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
We enjoyed it.
Actually, we wanted to go make a special sausage for a special friend.
I have the dog food.
Let's do it on this side.
James will eat anything.
Sick.
Make sure all the juice is in there.
I can't wait to get this to James.
Juicy.
Payback is a bitch.
Y'all make any money? Yeah, we did.
How much? Like $120.
Dang, y'all did good.
Whoa.
We made you guys sausages.
We made these for you guys.
Well, thank you.
And I made a special one for James.
To say that no hard feelings.
Oh, yeah, yeah but I want y'all to know that, uh, you know, you're out there and y'all working, you know, not laying on a beach on your daddy's and mama's money, so we respect you for that.
Yes, we do.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So if you ever by this way again and want to pop in, feel free.
Yeah.
Thank you for having us.
All right, it was fun.
It really was.
Thank you.
I'm glad to be getting out of here.
Me, too.
Well, let's cook up the sausages the girls brought.
And the special sausage for James.
- Keep James' separate, though, 'cause - no, mix it all in.
It comes from Rene's so there's nothing that they could've put in it.
Come on! That was fun today.
Yeah.
I really hope he eats it.
He will.
- I mean, she even gave it to you in gesture of, you know - good faith.
Yes.
Just for Nicole.
For Nicole.
Bon appétit, James.
Well, most places the girls go, they end up learning a lesson.
Today we learned: Don't (bleep) with me.
That's what we learned.
But this time, they taught one.
Good-bye, Mississippi.