The Starter Wife (2008) s02e04 Episode Script
Mollywood
I THINK YOU HAVE A CONCUSSION.
ARE MY PUPILS DILATED? YOU'RE FINE.
YOU SOLD THE HOUSE.
I NEED THE MONEY.
RESHOOTS.
ARE YOU COMPLETELY IN THE CLOSET? I'M NOT GAY.
100% STRAIGHT.
THAT GIRL NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
I TOLD HER YOU WERE THAT PERSON.
YOU'RE FREE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A GOOD SHAG.
HE'S PERFECT.
HE'LL SHAG ANYTHING, TAKE UP DRINKING AGAIN, AND HE WON'T REMBER A THING.
I'VE GOTTA STOP THIS.
YOU MUST REALLY HATE DAVID SHAY.
DEVON, WHO YOU BEEN KISSING? DON'T STAR WITH ME, BABY.
SOMEONE MUST'VE STOLEN MY JOURNAL, AND IS SELLING OFF LITTLE TIDBITS TO HIM.
I'M THE HOLLYWOOD EX-WIFE.
WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT, THEY ARE GONNA BE PISSED.
I OVERHEARD YOU CONFESSING LAST NIGHT.
SO WE HAVE VOTED YOU OUT.
YOUR VEST.
IT'S OKAY THAT NO ONE'S TALKING TO ME.
IT'S OKAY THAT I'M STRANDED ON THIS ISLAND AND MAY NEVER GET OFF.
EVERYTHING IS OKAY.
BECAUSE I'M A SURVIVOR.
I SPEAR FISH, FORAGE FOR FRUIT-- NO ONE EATS IT.
TRY TO BUILD A FIRE.
AT LEAST I'VE GOT YOU TWO.
BUT SERIOUSLY, A FEW WORDS NOW AND THEN WOULD BE NICE.
QUIEN ES? IT'S EVE.
MISS KAGANNO ESTA AQUI.
YOU DON'T HAVE A MAID, MOLLY.
OH, CRAP.
HOLA,MOLLY.
UM, WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU BACK ON ALL YOUR COMMITTEES.
AND I HOPE YOU CAN ACCEP MY APOLOGY FOR OVERREACTING.
I DON'T GET IT.
YOU SAID YOU HATED ME.
EVERYONE KNOWS I TALK TOO MUCH.
YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO HURT ANYBODY, YOU WERE JUST WRITING.
I STILL DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S TO GET? CAN I TAKE YOU TO LUNCH? CATCH UP? I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF YOU AS A FRIEND, MOLLY.
I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A SUSPICIOUS PERSON, BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT FEELS TO ME LIKE THERE'S A PIECE MISSING HERE.
MY HUSBAND WANTS A MEETING WITH YOU, OKAY? TED AND THE RES OF THE AGENTS AT UAA THINK YOUR WRITING IS THE NEXT BIG THING.
ALL THIS BAD PUBLICITY HAS PUT YOU ON THE MAP.
THEY'D LIKE TO SIGN YOU AND HEAR YOUR IDEAS.
NOW I GET IT.
NOTHING BRINGS FAMILY TOGETHER LIKE THE TASTE OF JOHNSONVILLE ITALIAN SAUSAGE.
SWEET BASIL, FENNEL, CRUSHED RED PEPPER.
PERFECT BLENDS OF SPICES MAKE THE FLAVOR COME THROUGH.
JOHNSONVILLE ITALIAN.
FLAVOR UP.
A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
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LANA TURNER ONCE SAID, "IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES "BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW "WHEN YOU'LL HAVE TO WORK WITH THEM AGAIN.
" I LIKE LANA.
AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I'VE SPEN ALL DAY RECEIVING GIFTS INSTEAD OF SENDING THEM.
OH, LET'S FACE IT.
I LOVE GETTING GIFTS.
TO MOLLY KAGAN, PARIAH NO MORE.
WHOO! HELL HAS FROZEN OVER, PIGS ARE FLYING, AND MOLLY'S POPULAR.
HUZZAH! HEY, ARE YOU GONNA MEE WITH ALL THESE AGENCIES? NO.
I'M GONNA STICK WITH UAA.
THEY SENT THE ORGANIC CRACKERS, AND THE CURED MEAT, AND THE BAKLAVA, WHICH IS REALLY JUS THE FORGOTTEN PASTRY.
WHERE'S THE BAKLAVA? I LOVE BAKLAVA.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO WRITE SOMETHING FIRST? NO.
ACTUALLY, YOU WANT AN AGEN WHO CAN SELL SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST YET.
ALTHOUGH, EVE DID SAY THAT THEY WOULD LOVE TO HEAR MY IDEAS.
NOW WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO GET ONE.
OOH.
MAKE IT TAKE PLACE IN ALASKA.
LIKE A DOG SLED THING WITH HOT LUMBERJACKS.
NO, NO.
OIL MEN.
NO, NO, FISHERMEN.
NO, WITH THE LUMBERJACKS AND THE FI-- ALL OF THEM TOGETHER.
NO.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S NOT HOW THE CREATIVE PROCESS WORKS.
CHINA.
HI, MOMMY.
HEY, HONEY.
JADEN! KENNY.
HELLO, GIRLS.
YEAH, THAT NEVER GETS OLD.
HEY, HOW 'BOU SOME ICE CREAM? YEAH.
OKAY, LET'S GO.
WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE SENDING YOU FOOD? IT'S MY 15 MINUTES OF FAME.
SHE'S ON A FAST RIDE TO THE TOP.
JUST LIKE YOU, KENNY.
ONLY THE OPPOSITE.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW ISBLOOD CANAL? YEAH, YOU GONNA RELEASE I OR JUST KILL YOURSELF? GOD, I'VE JUST MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
FYI, MY MOVIE COULDN'T BE BETTER.
I AM THIS CLOSE TO SIGNING BOBBYDENIRO FOR THE RESHOOTS.
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
HIS AGENT.
YUP.
RIGHT, WELL DID YOU TELL HIM HE'D BE PLAYING THE PRESIDENT? 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT IS THE HIGHEST OFFICE IN THE LAND.
I STINK AT MATH.
SINCE WHEN? I GOT SIX OUT OF TEN WRONG ON MY QUIZ.
WHICH MEANS YOU GO HOW MANY RIGHT? THREE? FOUR.
SEE? TOLD YOU I STINK.
NO, YOU DO NO STINK AT IT.
YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK A LITTLE HARDER TO BE GOOD AT IT.
CAN I GO WATCH TV? DO YOU HAVE MATH HOMEWORK? YOU GET STARTED.
I WILL KICK EVERYONE OU AND COME HELP YOU.
CAN I HAVE THESE? ALL RIGHT.
KEEP IN TOUCH.
HERE'S AN IDEA FOR A MOVIE: IT'S ABOUT A MAN WHO SAYS, "KEEP IN TOUCH," WHEN HE SAYS GOOD-NIGH TO HIS SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
HALF THE LOCATIONS WILL BE IN ALASKA, THE OTHER HALF IN CHINA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN COLIN FARRELL DO ME? I MEAN, PLAY ME? SURE.
IT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
YIPPEE.
NO, NOT THE COLIN FARRELL PART.
WRITING WHAT I KNOW.
LIFE IN HOLLYWOOD.
GETTING DUMPED.
BY YOUR HUSBAND OVER THE PHONE.
SLEEPING WITH HIS BOSS.
WHO FAKES HIS OWN DEATH.
REJECTED BY ALL THE HOLLYWOOD WIVES.
FALLING FOR A HOMELESS MAN.
WITH A TRAGIC PAST.
AND I'LL CALL IT, "THE YEAR OF LIVING STUPIDLY.
" MAYBE THE TITLE SHOULD BE A LITTLE LESS-- TRUE? NICE.
I JUST DROPPED 2,800 ON BRAS, PANTIES, AND BUSTIERS.
AH.
I'VE KISSED HIM.
I'D RATHER NOT HEAR ABOUT IT.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, PAPPY.
CHANGE YOUR MIND, THE LINGERIE GOES BACK, THE AFFAIR NEVER STARTS.
BUT ONCE I'VE CU THE TAGS, THERE ARE NO RETURNS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YES.
AND? I LOVE YOU.
AND I MEAN WHAT I SAID.
AND YET ANOTHER POOR OUTING BY DEVON MARSH.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM AND HIS CATCHER? APPARENTLY ARTURO MARTINEZ DIDN'T LIKE THAT MARSH KEPT SHAKING HIM OFF RIGHT BEFORE CARLOS BELTRAN WENT YARD ON HIM.
WHAT THE HELL, D? NO BIG THING.
WE HAD A DEAL.
NO MORE SPORTS NEWS.
BABE, THIS DAMN CATCHER IS MESSING YOU UP.
YOU GOTTA GET HIM OUTTA YOUR HEAD.
GO RELAX.
I'LL FINISH HERE.
IT'S OKAY.
I GOT IT.
BABY, WHAT PAR OF "GO RELAX" WASN'T CLEAR? LOVE YOU, BABY.
COURSE YOU DO.
HELLO.
DEVON'S CHEATING.
WHAT HAPPENED? I FOUND A POST-IT NOTE IN HIS DUFFEL BAG.
WHAT DID IT SAY? IT SAYS, "CALL JEMMA B.
" THEN WHAT? AND THEN NOTHING.
I CALLED YOU.
THAT'S IT? THE NOTE WAS HIDDEN.
MOLLY, HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW I-- "CALL JEMMA B.
" WHO IS JEMMA B.
? MAYBE SHE'S A REPORTER, OR SOME DODGER FAN WHO'S IN THE HOSPITAL WHOSE DYING WISH IS TO MEET DEVON.
MORE LIKE SLEEP WITH DEVON.
LIZ? YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME ABOUT THIS JEMMA B.
? I'M THINKING THAT THE ANSWER IS IT'S 'CAUSE HE'S CHEATING.
TALK TO HIM.
JUST ASK HIM ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, OKAY.
THANKS, THANKS, BYE.
I'M SERIOUS.
DON'T GET FREAKY ON HIM.
RODNEY.
QUICK, MAN.
CHECK THIS OUT.
TOP DESIGN.
EAMES CHAIRS.
SO BADASS.
YEAH, I KNOW A DEALER.
GET THE OTTOMANS TOO.
WELL YOU'VE GO EXCELLENT TASTE.
CERTAINLY DOES.
YOU MUST BE RODNEY.
RODNEY, MEET MY GIRL LOLA.
YOU'RE THE DESIGNER, RIGHT? FELIX TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU.
I CAN'T IMAGINE.
I HEAR YOU'RE VERY TALENTED.
ALMOST AS TALENTED AS ME.
THE JACUZZI? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
GO ON.
I'M GONNA GO.
UH, YOUR BEDROOM.
I'VE GOT SOME IDEAS.
SO DO I.
CALL ME IF YOU WANNA MAKE SOME CHANGES.
MOLLY KAGAN, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
OH, HI, TED.
HI.
I'M-- I'M SORRY ABOUT WRITING ABOUT YOUR DOG'S ASHES AND EVE'S AH, FORGET ABOUT IT.
ALTHOUGH I'M GLAD OUR HORSE IS STILL ALIVE.
MOLLY, I WANT YOU TO MEET TWO OF OUR HOTTEST AGENTS.
EDIE AND ELLE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HELLO.
SHALL WE? MOLLY.
WE ALL LOVE YOUR WRITING.
WE'VE BEEN READING YOU NON-STOP ON DIZZY.
WHAT NOW? WHAT DOES MOLLY KAGAN WANNA WRITE NEXT? UH, WELL, UM I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE A MOVIE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES GOING FROM A HIGH-PROFILE WIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD PLAYER TO A DUMPED OUTCAST.
AS A WOMAN WHO GREW UP WITH NOTHING, HOPED ONE DAY FOR SOMETHING, AND THEN LOST EVERYTHING IN ONE PHONE CALL.
FOUR WORDS.
"GET OUT, DUMB WHORE.
" ACTUALLY, IT WAS, "I WANT A DIVORCE.
" OH.
AND IN THAT MOMENT, I BECAME A HOLLYWOOD EX.
AND THESE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME, THEY HAPPEN TO OTHER WOMEN.
AND I WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT IF I CAN SURVIVE, THEY CAN.
"HOLLYWOOD EX.
" LOVE IT.
COMPLETELY ORIGINAL.
SO ACCESSIBLE.
BUT, IT'S NOT A MOVIE.
IT'S A TV SERIES.
WHAT'S THE FRANCHISE? IT'S WHERE THE SHOW'S STORIES COME FROM, LIKE A POLICE STATION, A HOSPITAL, OR A POLICE STATION.
UH, WELL, UH, MY-- MY CHARACTER WENT TO THE POLICE WHEN HER HUSBAND'S BOSS GOES MISSING.
BUT HE CAN' GO MISSING EVERY WEEK.
BUT SOMEBODY COULD.
THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE A P.
I.
SHOW.
THAT'S WHAT IT NEEDS.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
THAT EVERY WEEK SOMEONE ELSE FROM THE HOLLYWOOD EX'S LIFE GOES MISSING.
SHE'S THE P.
I.
UH, WELL, YEAH.
EXCEPT SHE'S NOT A P.
I.
THE POINT IS HER GETTING HER LIFE BACK TOGETHER, NOT SOLVING CRIMES.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF STORIES TO TELL.
BELIEVE ME.
UM, HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE AFFECTED, HER DATING LIFE AFTER HER DIVORCE-- MOLLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE WANT ALL OF THAT.
WE WANT THE WORLD YOU CREATED.
THE WORLD YOU JUST PITCHED HERE.
AND ONLY YOU CAN WRITE IT.
BUT WE NEED TO ADD THE MURDERS AND THE MISSING PERSONS IF WE WANNA SELL IT.
MOLLY.
DO YOU WANNA SELL IT? WE'VE FOUND THAT WOMEN GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO AVOID WHITE MARKS FROM THEIR DEODORANT.
DEGREE ULTRA CLEAR PURE CLEAN GOES ON CLEARER THAN SECRET FLAWLESS INVISIBLE SOLID.
GIVING YOU THE CONFIDENCE YOU NEED TO START YOUR DAY.
THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR.
DEGREE ULTRA CLEAR PURE CLEAN.
LITTLE BLACK DRESS APPROVED.
A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
Announcer: ONLY REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP HAS BOTAFIRM TO VISIBLY REDUCE WRINKLES BY 87%, IN JUST TWO WEEKS, WHILE FIRMING, FOR DRAMATICALLY YOUNGER-LOOKING SKIN.
REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
OBVIOUSLY, IT TOOK A BI TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
IT'S NOT A BASTARDIZATION OF MY "HOLLYWOOD EX" IDEA, SO MUCH AS A P.
I.
SERIES.
THAT CAN HAVE SOME REALLY WONDERFULLY RICH LAYERS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA WRITE? IF IT SELLS.
THAT'S FAIR.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE PRESSURE TO SELL OUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THEIR CAREERS.
YOU DIDN'T.
I'M NOT SELLING OUT.
TV IS A COLLABORATIVE ART.
IT'S NOT LIKE WRITING A NOVEL.
COMPROMISES HAVE TO BE MADE.
COMPROMISES ARE THE ENEMY OF ART.
I DON'T AGREE.
I DO.
THE PROBLEM IS WHEN YOU END UP COMPROMISING SO MUCH THAT YOU END UP WITH AN UNRECOGNIZABLE, WATERED-DOWN MESS.
WHICH DOESN'T SELL, DOESN'T GET MADE, OR IS AN EMBARRASSMEN IF IT DOES.
WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS, SO I GUESS I'M NO AS CYNICAL AS YOU.
YOU'RE THE CYNICAL ONE.
YOU'VE GIVEN UP ON WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE, AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.
HEY, DID ANYONE SEE MY CARTOON CAPTION INTHE NEW YORKER? IT'S A DONUT, NOT A BAGEL.
IT'S FUNNY.
COME IN.
OH, GOOD GOD.
JULIE.
THIS IS WHY WE DECLARED OUR INDEPENDENCE.
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME TO SEE ME DO MY FINAL SET OF LUNGES.
I HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH YOU.
NO ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT IT.
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT I DESPISE YOU AND THA WILL NEVER CHANGE.
YOU SHOULD ALSO BE AWARE THAT I AM HIGHLY ORGASMIC AND WILL NOT WAIT.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME WHO FELT THE CHEMISTRY.
C'MERE, YOU SNARLING LITTLE MINX.
OH, NO.
NOT THE BREASTS.
OKAY.
NO, NO.
N-- NOT THE THIGHS.
LOOK, I'M ALL FOR MAKING THIS DIFFICULT, AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY WORTH IT, BUT-- OKAY, WELL, IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE UP TO IT.
OH, I'M UP TO IT.
JOAN! WHERE ARE YOU? GARY! HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
AND NO, I WILL NOT HIDE.
I'LL BE BACK.
HONEY, I'VE GOTTA TAKE THIS.
IT'S-- IT'S RESEARCH FOR MY PITCH.
HI.
STEVE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CALLING ME BACK.
NO.
NO, MY HUSBAND ISN'T CHEATING ON ME.
NO, I DON'T NEED HELP FINDING MY-- MOM.
MY BIRTH PARENTS.
I'M ON THE PHONE.
MOM.
UH, NO.
PEOPLE ASK YOU TO DO THAT? MOM, HANG UP.
NO, I'D LIKE TO PICK YOUR BRAIN FOR A TV SERIES.
YEAH.
MOM, MOM I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW THE INS AND OUTS OF-- OF P.
I.
WORK.
OKAY-- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN-- YOU CAN EAT IN FRON OF THE TV, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.
GREAT, GREAT.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TOMORROW? UH, AND I'D LIKE TO DO I WHILE MY DAUGHTER'S IN SCHOOL.
UH-- I'LL-- I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
HEY, MOLLY.
HI.
I HAVE A PITCH AT UAA, AND THEY WANT ME TO TURN MY MOVIE IDEA INTO A P.
I.
SERIES.
I LOVE THAT YOU'RE CALLING ME FOR ADVICE.
OH, NO NO NO.
I JUST-- YOU DO IT.
YOU DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO TO GET IT MADE.
I KNOW, RIGHT? SO I'M MEETING THIS P.
I.
, WHICH IS WHY I'M CALLING-- IF THEY WANT YOU TO TURN YOUR IDEA INTO A CARTOON ABOUT KIDS KILLING SHEEP, YOU DO THAT.
WAIT.
DON'T USE THAT.
KIDSKILLING SHEEPCARTOON.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S TOO BIG A COMPROMISE? PLEASE.
TO GET MONEY FORBLOOD CANAL, I LOOKED A MIDDLE EASTERN BACKER IN THE FACE AND SAID, "DEATH TO DISNEYLAND.
" SO YOU DO YOUR P.
I.
SERIES.
ALL RIGHT, YOU DO I UNTIL YOU'RE SWEATY, AND KNEE-DEEP IN THE THICK OF IT.
YOU DO IT UNTIL YOU CAN HOLD CHUNKS OF IT IN YOUR HAND, AND YOU CAN SAY TO THE WORLD, "LOOK AT THIS.
HUH? LOOK WHAT I CREATED.
" UM.
SO DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU'LL PICK UP JADEN AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW? I HAVE A MEETING.
OH, WHOA WHOA WHOA.
I'M KNEE-DEEP HERE, MYSELF.
TRYING TO CAST THE PRESIDEN FOR THE RESHOOTS.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, KENNY? I'M TRYING TO STAR A CAREER, AND AFTER NINE YEARS OF YOUR TEDIOUS BUSINESS DINNERS, ASPEN VACATIONS WHEN I DON'T EVEN SKI, AND SENDING BIRTHDAY PRESENTS TO PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD DO THIS FOR ME.
OKAY.
I'LL, UH, I'LL BRING HER HOME AFTER DINNER.
REALLY? THANKS.
SURE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE AT UAA, YOU TALK UP ALEC BALDWIN FORBLOOD CANAL.
BYE, BABE.
BYE.
WHEN PEOPLE LIE, THEY LOOK TO THE RIGHT.
NEVER FAILS.
I HAD NO IDEA.
MM-HMM.
WHY DID YOU BECOME A P.
I.
ANYWAY? JOAN.
I TOLD YOU YOU COULD COME OVER IF YOU LET ME DO MY WORK, AND THAT INCLUDES LETTING ME ASK THE QUESTIONS.
DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW WHY HE BECAME A P.
I.
? YES.
WHY DID YOU BECOME A P.
I.
? WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I CAME OUT OF THE THEATER, AND MY PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN RIGH IN FRONT OF ME IN COLD BLOOD.
AND I VOWED RIGHT THEN AND THERE THAT I WOULD HUNT DOWN THE KILLER WHILE HELPING OTHERS GET JUSTICE AT THE SAME TIME.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
THAT'SBATMAN.
OKAY.
OKAY, I WAS A ROGUE COP.
AH, AH, YOUR EYES JUST SHIFTED RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOOD.
OKAY, UM.
I GOT CANNED FROM MY GIG AS A SECURITY GUARD AFTER MY THIRD POSITIVE URINE TEST, AND I JUST FIGURED, YOU KNOW, HELL, I ALREADY GOT THE GUN AND THE BEADED CAR SEAT, SO IT WAS EITHER THIS OR I BECOME A CAB DRIVER.
AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE CABS IN L.
A.
EXCUSE ME.
MM-HMM.
SO, STEVE YEAH.
TELL ME THE WORST PAR ABOUT YOUR JOB.
SOMETHING REALLY DEPRAVED.
LOOK AT THIS.
3:00, JEMMA B.
TALK ME DOWN.
TELL ME THAT IT'S NOTHING AGAIN.
CALL DEVON AND ASK HIM.
I CAN'T.
HE HATES I WHEN I'M NOSY.
WHO'S THE GUY? HE'S A P.
I.
THAT I'M INTERVIEWING FOR THE SERIES.
HOW MUCH TO FOLLOW MY HUSBAND RIGHT NOW? 500? DONE! ROAD TRIP.
I'M INTERVIEWING HIM! ON STAKEOUTS, HE PEES IN A BOTTLE.
HE'S GOING LEFT! LEFT! DON'T LOSE HIM! NOBODY LIKES A BACKSEAT P.
I.
HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FOUND THAT IT'S ACTUALLY THE HUSBAND WHO INSISTED HIS WIFE CHEAT? NEVER.
TAKE A MINUTE BEFORE YOU ANSWER.
WHAT'S DRIVING YOU TO DO THIS, LIZ? WHAT DID DEVON DO TO YOU? HE GOT FAMOUS.
HAVE YOU READ THE PAPERS? EVERY DAY.
EVERY DAY SOME ATHLETE IS CAUGHT STEPPING OUT.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN DEVON WILL.
OH, YES, HE WILL.
WHAT CELEBRITY HASN'T? JOAN'S RIGHT.
HE'S LIVING WITH A DECISION THAT HE MADE AT 17.
ONE DAY, HE'S GONNA WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT HE CAN HAVE ANYBODY HE WANTS.
PROBABLY ALREADY HAS.
SUCKER? LOOK, I'M JUST BEING HONEST.
EVEN IF HE LOVES HER NOW, HE'LL GET SICK OF HER EVENTUALLY.
IT HAPPENED TO ME, IT HAPPENED TO YOU.
THINGS DON'T WORK OUT.
LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
I HATE GRAPE.
DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
DEVON IS ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.
AND YOU CANNOT GO YOUR WHOLE LIFE OBSESSING OVER YOUR HUSBAND.
KENNY, I'M BUSY IS SHE HURT? OKAY, HE'S PULLING INTO THIS DRIVEWAY UP HERE.
NEOSPORIN AND A BAND-AID.
YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, KENNY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO A DRUGSTORE, YOU'VE GOT A FIRST-AID KI IN THE TRUNK.
YOU RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE? NO.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
NO, DON'T PUT JADEN ON THE PHONE, I'M HANGING UP.
GIVE HER YOUR GUN.
STAY CALM.
HI, JADEN.
SWEETIE, SWEETIE, IT'S JUST A LITTLE BOO-BOO.
HAVE SOME DEEP BREATHS, A FEW DEEP BREATHS.
I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
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USE STOCK.
AND WHEN I'M COOKING AT HOME, THAT MEANS NEW SWANSON STOCK.
IT KEEPS THE MEAT JUICY AND BRINGS OU THE NATURAL FLAVORS.
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330?00f0?033 A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
Announcer: ONLY REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP HAS BOTAFIRM TO VISIBLY REDUCE WRINKLES BY 87%, IN JUST TWO WEEKS, WHILE FIRMING, FOR DRAMATICALLY YOUNGER-LOOKING SKIN.
REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTAN THIS RELATIONSHIP IS TO ME.
IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE JUST SAYING THE WORDS, DEVON.
SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WHO ARE YOU? LIZ.
YOU KNOW HER? THAT'S MY WIFE.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE? DID YOU FOLLOW ME HERE? PERHAPS I SHOULD EXPLAIN.
AND IF I WANT YOU TO SPEAK, BLONDIE, I WILL ASK YOU.
SHE'S A SPORTS PSYCHOLOGIST.
WHAT? WE'RE WORKING ON OUR COMMUNICATION.
SKIP MADE US.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST WALKED IN ON OUR THERAPY SESSION.
BABY, I'M SO SORRY.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
WHAT HAPPENED? THAT DID NOT GO WELL.
DOT DOT DOT-- JADEN, I HAVE TO WORK.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, OKAY? HEY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU GO TO THE GIFT CLOSET, PICK OUT ANYTHING YOU WANT, AND PLAY IN YOUR ROOM, OKAY? OKAY! OKAY.
DRESSER.
OH, RIGHT.
NO, NO, NO.
PUSH IT AGAINS THE DOOR.
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I DON'T THINK I'VE DONE I SOBER SINCE I WAS 12.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY FLATTERED, JOAN.
HELL, YOU REMEMBERED MY NAME.
I DID.
NOT A REQUIREMENT.
YOU'RE A FUNNY THING.
TALKING ISN' A REQUIREMENT, EITHER.
JUST GET ON WITH IT.
JOAN MCALLISTER, PAGING JOAN MCALLISTER.
YOU KNOW, IN THE FUTURE, I'M GONNA USE THAT VOICE TO KEEP FROM CLIMAXING.
THAT'S NOT MY BUSINESS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ART? WELL, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MASSIVE PICTURES OF YOU AND BARELY CLAD BIMBOS WITH SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS, SO NOT A STYLE.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THAT THING? ART.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I THINK WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S A SUBJECTIVE TERM.
YOU MEAN LIKE, UH, GAY? YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON YOUR CLOSET.
ADD MORE SPACE, MAYBE A CAPPUCCINO BAR, A LAP POOL.
WHY NOT A KITCHEN? SINCE THE CLOSET'S WHERE YOU LIVE.
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.
NOW.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? HE THREW IT AT YOU? LIKE IT WAS A FRISBEE.
DID, UM, MM-MM KNOW YOU HAD PAINTED IT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM? I WANTED HIM TO LIKE I ON HIS OWN TERMS.
I GOT BORED WAITING.
KEEP TALKING.
I'LL CATCH UP.
THINK ECRU.
WELL, I MET MM-MM'S GIRLFRIEND, THEN HE HIT ON ME.
OH, RODNEY.
YOU DON'T NEED THIS KIND OF DRAMA.
BUSINESS IS GOOD.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
WE WILL FIND YOU A GOOD MAN.
SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES YOU.
WHOSE MOM IS PRESIDEN OF THE LOCAL P-FLAG.
NO, NO.
ECRU.
IT'S SLIGHTLY BEIGE, BUT MOSTLY WHITE.
IT'S IN THE CRAYOLA BOX.
YOU KNOW, IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOUR FRIEND DAVID SHEA-- HE'S NOT MY FRIEND.
GOOD.
BECAUSE IT'S PEOPLE LIKE HIM WHO MAKE IT HARD FOR PEOPLE LIKE MM-MM TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
AND IF PEOPLE LIKE MM-MM COULD COME OUTTA THE CLOSET, IT'D MAKE IT BETTER FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.
LIKE A DAY AT THE BEACH.
OOH.
IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT, JADEN.
I DON'T CARE IF DAISY'S MOM SAID YOU COULD, NO SLEEPOVERS.
I'M GOING INTO MY MEETING.
BYE.
LOVE YOU.
I SAID NO.
HEY.
MOLLY, GREAT NEWS.
JAY MAGUIRE WAS IN THE BUILDING, SO WE SET HIM UP FOR YOUR PITCH.
NBC IS THE PERFECT NETWORK FOR THIS, SO KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
HE'S IN TED'S OFFICE WAITING.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO CHANGE ONE THING.
THE NEW BRET RATNER MOVIE, SPACELAND, STARS THE THREE JESSICAS: SIMPSON, ALBA, AND BIEL AS INTERGALACTIC BOUNTY HUNTERS.
OPENED LAST NIGH WITH HUGE NUMBERS.
YEAH, WELL BREASTS, GUNS, AND EXPLOSIONS.
OF COURSE IT OPENED HUGE.
SO YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.
NO.
YES.
PLEASE DON'T SAY IT.
JAY WANTS A SHOW ABOUT A FEMALE BOUNTY HUNTER.
OH.
SO WHEN YOU PITCH, EVERY TIME YOU WERE GONNA SAY P.
I.
, JUST SAY BOUNTY HUNTER INSTEAD.
BOOM! THE YACH WITH GRACIE'S OVER-EXTENDED HUSBAND AND UNDERAGE MISTRESS EXPLODES.
SIX MONTHS PASS.
GRACIE POLLOCK? NOW A BOUNTY HUNTER.
SO FRANCIS CANE HIRES GRACIE TO FIND HER MISSING NFL LINEBACKER HUSBAND.
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT SHE SHOULD PROBABLY BE HIRING A P.
I.
AND NOT A BOUNTY HUNTER, SHE WANTS SOMEONE WHO SHE WANTS-- SHE WANTS SOMEONE THAT SHE KNOWS.
FRANCIS CANE AND GRACIE HAVE KIDS WHO GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL.
NO SOONER HAS A HEARTBROKEN GRACIE-- THROUGH THE DOGGY DOOR-- THE COPS ARRIVE-- STANDING OVER JEMMA B.
'S DEAD BODY.
HI.
OKAY.
IT'S FINE.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU FLOSS, OKAY? BYE.
KIDS.
OKAY.
UM-- UH-- AND THEN A BIG SHOOTOUT.
AND THEN EVERYONE GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.
BUT SOME PEOPLE GO TO THE POLICE STATION.
AND THEN GRACIE GOES TO HER NEW OFFICE, WHERE SHE IS ABOUT TO BECOME BRENTWOOD'S MOST SOUGHT-AFTER BOUNTY HUNTER.
DO IT! WHAT, YOU THINK I'M SCARED? THAT I WON'T DO IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? THAT I DON'T HAVE THE BALLS? DO THE WORDS "WELCOME RELIEF" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? Oh, oh, oh, oh THIS IS A BRAND NEW DAY Oh, oh, oh, oh AND IT'S GETTING BETTER EVERY SINGLE WAY Oh, oh, oh, oh THIS IS A BRAND NEW DAY Oh, oh, oh, oh AND I'M FEELING BETTER WHEN YOU SAY La, la, la, la, la, Love.
A NEW DAY.
NEW WAYS TO SAVE.
AH, WELCOME, BROOKE SHIELDS.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? WELL, THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC SWEEPING OUR NATION.
- Beetle: REALLY? - WOMEN EVERYWHERE ARE HAVING BABIES JUST TO GET THE NEW VOLKSWAGEN ROUTAN.
TAKE THIS COUPLE.
CHRISTINE HERE IS SO SEDUCED BY GERMAN ENGINEERING, SHE'S HAVING A BABY JUST TO GET IT.
THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HAVING A BABY-- WITH A STRANGE MAN SHE BARELY KNOWS.
- Man: I'M HER HUSBAND.
- DON'T BE LIKE CHRISTINE.
HAVE A BABY FOR LOVE, NOT FOR GERMAN ENGINEERING.
Man: LADY, WE'RE STANDING RIGHT HERE.
LEARN WHA I'M DOING TO HELP AT RoutanBoom.
org.
WHOO! Beetle:WE SHOULD HAVE SE I AS A PHARMACIS WAS VERY SKEPTICAL.
I LOST 26 POUNDS USING ALLI.
MY FRIENDS WERE ABSOLUTELY AMAZED.
THEY HAD NO IDEA THAT ALLI WOULD WORK THAT WELL.
IF YOU STICK TO THE GUIDELINES THAT COME WITH THE STARTER PACK, YOU'LL DO GREAT.
PEOPLE COME INTO THE PHARMACY AND IT'S REAL EASY TO RECOMMEND THE PRODUC BECAUSE HONESTLY, IT HAS WORKED SO WELL FOR ME.
MORNING, FRANK.
HEY, JOAN.
OKAY, WE'VE ESCAPED.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE SHAG YOU DESERVE.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I DESERVE.
UH, NICK NOLTE.
MORGAN FREEMAN.
I DON'T KNOW.
MICHAEL CAINE.
THAT GUY'LL TAKE ANYTHING.
OR, HELLO, MICHAEL DOUGLAS.
LOVES BEING PRESIDENT.
HOLD ON.
DON'T MOVE.
AW, C'MON, GIVE US A QUICK FLASH.
MMM.
OH, YOU'VE GO THE MOST LOVELY SKIN, JOANIE.
QUIT YAPPING AND PU YOUR MOUTH TO BETTER USE.
OOH! YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THOSE GUYS.
I GOT DAVID SHEA.
REPLACING DEVON MARSH, NUMBER 32, LEFT-HANDER, MAX WATKINS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
BABE, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WOO! YOU'RE THE BEST! BIG D! SIGN MY SCORECARD? YOU CAN BE MY CLOSER ANY TIME.
OKAY.
THAT'S IT.
HI.
I NEED YOU TO GE YOUR BIG, FAKE BOOBS OUTTA MY HUSBAND'S FACE BEFORE I USE THEM FOR BATTING PRACTICE.
LIZ, COME ON.
CALM DOWN.
I'M JUST TRYING TO GE AN AUTOGRAPH FOR MY KID.
DEVON! HONEY, WAIT! CAN WE SEESPACELAND? NO.
BUT MOM, IT'S THE THREE JESSICAS.
THEY WEAR SKIN-TIGHT CLOTHES, BEAT UP THE BAD GUYS, AND SAVE THE GALAXY.
NOW YOU'VE SEEN IT.
SKYLER! HEY.
WHAT'RE YOU SEEING? UH,POODLE CLUBAGAIN.
YOU? UH,SPACELAND.
WHAT? YOU LIKE BOUNTY HUNTERS? THEY'RE OKAY.
'CAUSE I'M WAITING TO HEAR IF I SOLD HOLLYWOOD EX, BOUNTY HUNTER.
I THOUGH SHE WAS A P.
I.
GO AHEAD, LAUGH, SAY I TOLD YOU SO.
NO, NO, I GET IT.
IT'S A METAPHOR, WHERE THE GUYS WHO JUMP BAIL REPRESEN THE MAN WHO WENT AWOL ON HER MARRIAGE.
IT'S GOT A LOT OF LAYERS.
YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER, 'CAUSE THEY'RE STILL WADING THROUGH ALL THOSE LAYERS.
CALL THEM.
YOU GOTTA STOP BEING SO NICE.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT.
MY MOTHER USED TO SAY THAT.
MOM, THEY'RE SEEINGSPACELAND, WE GOTTA GO SEESPACELAND.
PLEASE? SORRY.
CAN THEY COME WITH US, DAD? PLEASE? I ALREADY SAID NO.
POODLE CLUB'SSTUPID, IT'S FOR BABIES.
YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING FUN.
LET'S GO.
NO! OKAY, OKAY.
POODLE CLUB.
NEVER MIND! SHALL WE ESCAPE AGAIN TOMORROW? I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
IS THAT YOUR MOM? SHE EXTENDED MY STAY HERE.
SHE'S ON SAFARI, AND SHE CAN'T BE BOTHERED.
SET HER HEAD ON FIRE.
ANYONE WANNA WATCH ME TRAIN FOR MY CHANNEL SWIM? I'M IN.
YOU'RE EARLY.
TEN MINUTES.
HERE'S THE BALANCE OF YOUR DEPOSIT.
LESS 20% FOR PAIN, AND SUFFERING, AND GAS MILEAGE.
HERE.
YOU'RE QUITTING.
PEOPLE HIRE ME BECAUSE THEY RESPECT ME.
AND THAT IS HOW I ROLL.
GOOD-BYE, FELIX.
RODNEY, WAIT.
WAIT.
PLEASE.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW EASY YOU HAVE IT? EXCUSE ME? THE DECORATOR, LOUD AND PROUD, WHILE THE HERO HIDES.
THAT'S WHO I HAVE TO BE.
NO, THAT'S WHO YOU CHOOSE TO BE.
I CHOSE A LONG TIME AGO, AND NOW I CAN'T ESCAPE IT.
I'M AN INDUSTRY.
PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME.
NOBODY'S GONNA PAY 12 BUCKS TO SEE A GAY ACTION HERO.
I WOULD.
MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER PLACE WE CAN PUT YOUR PAINTING.
WELL MAYBE I COULD RE-HANG THESE POSTERS.
THEY SHOULD REALLY BE AT EYE LEVEL.
YOU'RE HOME LATE.
I HAD A VERY GOOD TIME TODAY.
THANK YOU.
LISTEN, KIDDO.
YOU AND I, WE'RE A TEAM.
AND THAT DOESN'T JUST MEAN LOVING EACH OTHER, IT MEANS HELPING EACH OTHER.
SO THAT MEANS IF I'M WORKING REALLY HARD, OR ON AN IMPORTANT CALL, IT'S FOR BOTH OF US.
AND YOU DON' GET PRIZES FOR LETTING ME WORK HARD.
JUST LIKE I DON' GET PRIZES WHEN I HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK OR BUY YOU SHAMPOO.
OKAY? SHOULD I PUT THE BARBIE CORVETTE BACK IN THE GIFT CLOSET? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
HELLO.
HI, MOLLY.
IT'S TED.
TED.
GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.
HEY, I'M AFRAID I'VE GO SOME BAD NEWS.
THE PROJECT'S DEAD.
EVERYONE PASSED.
DID THEY SAY WHY? EH, THEY FEL YOUR IDEA WAS DERIVATIVE.
MMM.
THEY WERE RIGHT.
UH, WELL, HEADING INTO THE CANYON.
PROBABLY GONNA LO-- OLLY-- OLLY-- -- ERE? A-- -- OLLY? HELLO? I DIDN'T SELL THE IDEA.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OKAY.
'CAUSE IT STUNK.
IT DIDN'T STINK.
YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK HARDER TO BE GOOD AT IT.
HIGH-FIVE.
WE FADE IN ON GRACIE POLLOCK DRIVING THROUGH BEVERLY HILLS.
WE HEAR HER THOUGHTS IN VOICE-OVER.
THE TROUBLE STARTED WITH AN EARRING.
IT WASN'T JUST ANY EARRING.
NO, THIS WAS A DELICATE, GOLD WIRE HOOP, SUDDENLY ATTACHED TO MY HUSBAND'S RIGHT EARLOBE.
BUT HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT THE DEMISE OF MY NINE-YEAR, TEN-MONTH, 18-HOUR MARRIAGE COULD'VE BEEN FORETOLD MERE WEEKS BEFORE BY A TINY PIECE OF METAL IN A MIDDLE-AGED MAN'S EAR? THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO BECOME A HOLLYWOOD EX.
IN MY CASE, I LET COMPROMISE DWARF EVERYTHING ELSE.
I LET MY PASSION BE WORN DOWN TO A NUB.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT MAY BE A PATTERN IN MY LIFE.
A LESSON I NEED TO LEARN OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER.
WE SEE GRACIE TURN THE WRONG WAY ONTO A ONE-WAY STREET.
GOD, I HOPE I GET IT RIGHT SOON.
THAT'S ALL I HAVE SO FAR.
OH, YOU GUYS.
COME ON.
IT'S NOT THAT GOOD.
OKAY, MAYBE IT IS.
SEE YOU, GUYS.
GOOD WORK, D.
J.
MOLLY, WAIT.
UM-- YEAH? CAN YOU STAY? SURE.
UM, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LIKE HAVING YOU IN THE WORKSHOP.
I LIKE ARGUING WITH YOU, AND I'M HAPPY TO HELP YOU PROFESSIONALLY AND CREATIVELY, AND I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY THAT I'M GONNA OVERSTEP.
OH, YOU MEAN THE-- THE FLIRTING PART.
RIGHT.
MM.
LET'S JUS KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL AND FRIENDLY.
THAT'S-- THAT'S BEST.
PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK TO THE RIGHT WHEN THEY LIE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? THAT'S ALL I GOT SO FAR.
Captioning byCaptionMax A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
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REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
Announcer: WHAT DO YOU WANT AS YOUR REWARD? I WANT TO TAKE ALL MY LADIES OUT TO A REALLY NICE DINNER.
HEY! DADDY, DADDY! DADDY'S GONNA SI RIGHT BETWEEN YOU.
HELLO, HELLO.
Announcer: CHASE FREEDOM INTRODUCES REWARDS POINTS YOU CAN USE LIKE CASH TO GET ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I WANT A NEW HOUSE FOR RUFUS.
OOH! RUFUS, WHAT KIND OF HOUSE WOULD SUIT YOU? Announcer: WITH THE CHASE FREEDOM CREDIT CARD, USE YOUR POINTS TO GE ANY ITEM, ANY PLACE.
FREEDOM MATTERS.
ARE MY PUPILS DILATED? YOU'RE FINE.
YOU SOLD THE HOUSE.
I NEED THE MONEY.
RESHOOTS.
ARE YOU COMPLETELY IN THE CLOSET? I'M NOT GAY.
100% STRAIGHT.
THAT GIRL NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
I TOLD HER YOU WERE THAT PERSON.
YOU'RE FREE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A GOOD SHAG.
HE'S PERFECT.
HE'LL SHAG ANYTHING, TAKE UP DRINKING AGAIN, AND HE WON'T REMBER A THING.
I'VE GOTTA STOP THIS.
YOU MUST REALLY HATE DAVID SHAY.
DEVON, WHO YOU BEEN KISSING? DON'T STAR WITH ME, BABY.
SOMEONE MUST'VE STOLEN MY JOURNAL, AND IS SELLING OFF LITTLE TIDBITS TO HIM.
I'M THE HOLLYWOOD EX-WIFE.
WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT, THEY ARE GONNA BE PISSED.
I OVERHEARD YOU CONFESSING LAST NIGHT.
SO WE HAVE VOTED YOU OUT.
YOUR VEST.
IT'S OKAY THAT NO ONE'S TALKING TO ME.
IT'S OKAY THAT I'M STRANDED ON THIS ISLAND AND MAY NEVER GET OFF.
EVERYTHING IS OKAY.
BECAUSE I'M A SURVIVOR.
I SPEAR FISH, FORAGE FOR FRUIT-- NO ONE EATS IT.
TRY TO BUILD A FIRE.
AT LEAST I'VE GOT YOU TWO.
BUT SERIOUSLY, A FEW WORDS NOW AND THEN WOULD BE NICE.
QUIEN ES? IT'S EVE.
MISS KAGANNO ESTA AQUI.
YOU DON'T HAVE A MAID, MOLLY.
OH, CRAP.
HOLA,MOLLY.
UM, WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU BACK ON ALL YOUR COMMITTEES.
AND I HOPE YOU CAN ACCEP MY APOLOGY FOR OVERREACTING.
I DON'T GET IT.
YOU SAID YOU HATED ME.
EVERYONE KNOWS I TALK TOO MUCH.
YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO HURT ANYBODY, YOU WERE JUST WRITING.
I STILL DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S TO GET? CAN I TAKE YOU TO LUNCH? CATCH UP? I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF YOU AS A FRIEND, MOLLY.
I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A SUSPICIOUS PERSON, BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT FEELS TO ME LIKE THERE'S A PIECE MISSING HERE.
MY HUSBAND WANTS A MEETING WITH YOU, OKAY? TED AND THE RES OF THE AGENTS AT UAA THINK YOUR WRITING IS THE NEXT BIG THING.
ALL THIS BAD PUBLICITY HAS PUT YOU ON THE MAP.
THEY'D LIKE TO SIGN YOU AND HEAR YOUR IDEAS.
NOW I GET IT.
NOTHING BRINGS FAMILY TOGETHER LIKE THE TASTE OF JOHNSONVILLE ITALIAN SAUSAGE.
SWEET BASIL, FENNEL, CRUSHED RED PEPPER.
PERFECT BLENDS OF SPICES MAKE THE FLAVOR COME THROUGH.
JOHNSONVILLE ITALIAN.
FLAVOR UP.
A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
Announcer: ONLY REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP HAS BOTAFIRM TO VISIBLY REDUCE WRINKLES BY 87%, IN JUST TWO WEEKS, WHILE FIRMING, FOR DRAMATICALLY YOUNGER-LOOKING SKIN.
REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
LANA TURNER ONCE SAID, "IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES "BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW "WHEN YOU'LL HAVE TO WORK WITH THEM AGAIN.
" I LIKE LANA.
AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I'VE SPEN ALL DAY RECEIVING GIFTS INSTEAD OF SENDING THEM.
OH, LET'S FACE IT.
I LOVE GETTING GIFTS.
TO MOLLY KAGAN, PARIAH NO MORE.
WHOO! HELL HAS FROZEN OVER, PIGS ARE FLYING, AND MOLLY'S POPULAR.
HUZZAH! HEY, ARE YOU GONNA MEE WITH ALL THESE AGENCIES? NO.
I'M GONNA STICK WITH UAA.
THEY SENT THE ORGANIC CRACKERS, AND THE CURED MEAT, AND THE BAKLAVA, WHICH IS REALLY JUS THE FORGOTTEN PASTRY.
WHERE'S THE BAKLAVA? I LOVE BAKLAVA.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO WRITE SOMETHING FIRST? NO.
ACTUALLY, YOU WANT AN AGEN WHO CAN SELL SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST YET.
ALTHOUGH, EVE DID SAY THAT THEY WOULD LOVE TO HEAR MY IDEAS.
NOW WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO GET ONE.
OOH.
MAKE IT TAKE PLACE IN ALASKA.
LIKE A DOG SLED THING WITH HOT LUMBERJACKS.
NO, NO.
OIL MEN.
NO, NO, FISHERMEN.
NO, WITH THE LUMBERJACKS AND THE FI-- ALL OF THEM TOGETHER.
NO.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S NOT HOW THE CREATIVE PROCESS WORKS.
CHINA.
HI, MOMMY.
HEY, HONEY.
JADEN! KENNY.
HELLO, GIRLS.
YEAH, THAT NEVER GETS OLD.
HEY, HOW 'BOU SOME ICE CREAM? YEAH.
OKAY, LET'S GO.
WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE SENDING YOU FOOD? IT'S MY 15 MINUTES OF FAME.
SHE'S ON A FAST RIDE TO THE TOP.
JUST LIKE YOU, KENNY.
ONLY THE OPPOSITE.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW ISBLOOD CANAL? YEAH, YOU GONNA RELEASE I OR JUST KILL YOURSELF? GOD, I'VE JUST MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
FYI, MY MOVIE COULDN'T BE BETTER.
I AM THIS CLOSE TO SIGNING BOBBYDENIRO FOR THE RESHOOTS.
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
HIS AGENT.
YUP.
RIGHT, WELL DID YOU TELL HIM HE'D BE PLAYING THE PRESIDENT? 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT IS THE HIGHEST OFFICE IN THE LAND.
I STINK AT MATH.
SINCE WHEN? I GOT SIX OUT OF TEN WRONG ON MY QUIZ.
WHICH MEANS YOU GO HOW MANY RIGHT? THREE? FOUR.
SEE? TOLD YOU I STINK.
NO, YOU DO NO STINK AT IT.
YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK A LITTLE HARDER TO BE GOOD AT IT.
CAN I GO WATCH TV? DO YOU HAVE MATH HOMEWORK? YOU GET STARTED.
I WILL KICK EVERYONE OU AND COME HELP YOU.
CAN I HAVE THESE? ALL RIGHT.
KEEP IN TOUCH.
HERE'S AN IDEA FOR A MOVIE: IT'S ABOUT A MAN WHO SAYS, "KEEP IN TOUCH," WHEN HE SAYS GOOD-NIGH TO HIS SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
HALF THE LOCATIONS WILL BE IN ALASKA, THE OTHER HALF IN CHINA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN COLIN FARRELL DO ME? I MEAN, PLAY ME? SURE.
IT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
YIPPEE.
NO, NOT THE COLIN FARRELL PART.
WRITING WHAT I KNOW.
LIFE IN HOLLYWOOD.
GETTING DUMPED.
BY YOUR HUSBAND OVER THE PHONE.
SLEEPING WITH HIS BOSS.
WHO FAKES HIS OWN DEATH.
REJECTED BY ALL THE HOLLYWOOD WIVES.
FALLING FOR A HOMELESS MAN.
WITH A TRAGIC PAST.
AND I'LL CALL IT, "THE YEAR OF LIVING STUPIDLY.
" MAYBE THE TITLE SHOULD BE A LITTLE LESS-- TRUE? NICE.
I JUST DROPPED 2,800 ON BRAS, PANTIES, AND BUSTIERS.
AH.
I'VE KISSED HIM.
I'D RATHER NOT HEAR ABOUT IT.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, PAPPY.
CHANGE YOUR MIND, THE LINGERIE GOES BACK, THE AFFAIR NEVER STARTS.
BUT ONCE I'VE CU THE TAGS, THERE ARE NO RETURNS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YES.
AND? I LOVE YOU.
AND I MEAN WHAT I SAID.
AND YET ANOTHER POOR OUTING BY DEVON MARSH.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM AND HIS CATCHER? APPARENTLY ARTURO MARTINEZ DIDN'T LIKE THAT MARSH KEPT SHAKING HIM OFF RIGHT BEFORE CARLOS BELTRAN WENT YARD ON HIM.
WHAT THE HELL, D? NO BIG THING.
WE HAD A DEAL.
NO MORE SPORTS NEWS.
BABE, THIS DAMN CATCHER IS MESSING YOU UP.
YOU GOTTA GET HIM OUTTA YOUR HEAD.
GO RELAX.
I'LL FINISH HERE.
IT'S OKAY.
I GOT IT.
BABY, WHAT PAR OF "GO RELAX" WASN'T CLEAR? LOVE YOU, BABY.
COURSE YOU DO.
HELLO.
DEVON'S CHEATING.
WHAT HAPPENED? I FOUND A POST-IT NOTE IN HIS DUFFEL BAG.
WHAT DID IT SAY? IT SAYS, "CALL JEMMA B.
" THEN WHAT? AND THEN NOTHING.
I CALLED YOU.
THAT'S IT? THE NOTE WAS HIDDEN.
MOLLY, HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW I-- "CALL JEMMA B.
" WHO IS JEMMA B.
? MAYBE SHE'S A REPORTER, OR SOME DODGER FAN WHO'S IN THE HOSPITAL WHOSE DYING WISH IS TO MEET DEVON.
MORE LIKE SLEEP WITH DEVON.
LIZ? YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME ABOUT THIS JEMMA B.
? I'M THINKING THAT THE ANSWER IS IT'S 'CAUSE HE'S CHEATING.
TALK TO HIM.
JUST ASK HIM ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, OKAY.
THANKS, THANKS, BYE.
I'M SERIOUS.
DON'T GET FREAKY ON HIM.
RODNEY.
QUICK, MAN.
CHECK THIS OUT.
TOP DESIGN.
EAMES CHAIRS.
SO BADASS.
YEAH, I KNOW A DEALER.
GET THE OTTOMANS TOO.
WELL YOU'VE GO EXCELLENT TASTE.
CERTAINLY DOES.
YOU MUST BE RODNEY.
RODNEY, MEET MY GIRL LOLA.
YOU'RE THE DESIGNER, RIGHT? FELIX TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU.
I CAN'T IMAGINE.
I HEAR YOU'RE VERY TALENTED.
ALMOST AS TALENTED AS ME.
THE JACUZZI? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
GO ON.
I'M GONNA GO.
UH, YOUR BEDROOM.
I'VE GOT SOME IDEAS.
SO DO I.
CALL ME IF YOU WANNA MAKE SOME CHANGES.
MOLLY KAGAN, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
OH, HI, TED.
HI.
I'M-- I'M SORRY ABOUT WRITING ABOUT YOUR DOG'S ASHES AND EVE'S AH, FORGET ABOUT IT.
ALTHOUGH I'M GLAD OUR HORSE IS STILL ALIVE.
MOLLY, I WANT YOU TO MEET TWO OF OUR HOTTEST AGENTS.
EDIE AND ELLE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HELLO.
SHALL WE? MOLLY.
WE ALL LOVE YOUR WRITING.
WE'VE BEEN READING YOU NON-STOP ON DIZZY.
WHAT NOW? WHAT DOES MOLLY KAGAN WANNA WRITE NEXT? UH, WELL, UM I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE A MOVIE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES GOING FROM A HIGH-PROFILE WIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD PLAYER TO A DUMPED OUTCAST.
AS A WOMAN WHO GREW UP WITH NOTHING, HOPED ONE DAY FOR SOMETHING, AND THEN LOST EVERYTHING IN ONE PHONE CALL.
FOUR WORDS.
"GET OUT, DUMB WHORE.
" ACTUALLY, IT WAS, "I WANT A DIVORCE.
" OH.
AND IN THAT MOMENT, I BECAME A HOLLYWOOD EX.
AND THESE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME, THEY HAPPEN TO OTHER WOMEN.
AND I WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT IF I CAN SURVIVE, THEY CAN.
"HOLLYWOOD EX.
" LOVE IT.
COMPLETELY ORIGINAL.
SO ACCESSIBLE.
BUT, IT'S NOT A MOVIE.
IT'S A TV SERIES.
WHAT'S THE FRANCHISE? IT'S WHERE THE SHOW'S STORIES COME FROM, LIKE A POLICE STATION, A HOSPITAL, OR A POLICE STATION.
UH, WELL, UH, MY-- MY CHARACTER WENT TO THE POLICE WHEN HER HUSBAND'S BOSS GOES MISSING.
BUT HE CAN' GO MISSING EVERY WEEK.
BUT SOMEBODY COULD.
THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE A P.
I.
SHOW.
THAT'S WHAT IT NEEDS.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
THAT EVERY WEEK SOMEONE ELSE FROM THE HOLLYWOOD EX'S LIFE GOES MISSING.
SHE'S THE P.
I.
UH, WELL, YEAH.
EXCEPT SHE'S NOT A P.
I.
THE POINT IS HER GETTING HER LIFE BACK TOGETHER, NOT SOLVING CRIMES.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF STORIES TO TELL.
BELIEVE ME.
UM, HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE AFFECTED, HER DATING LIFE AFTER HER DIVORCE-- MOLLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE WANT ALL OF THAT.
WE WANT THE WORLD YOU CREATED.
THE WORLD YOU JUST PITCHED HERE.
AND ONLY YOU CAN WRITE IT.
BUT WE NEED TO ADD THE MURDERS AND THE MISSING PERSONS IF WE WANNA SELL IT.
MOLLY.
DO YOU WANNA SELL IT? WE'VE FOUND THAT WOMEN GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO AVOID WHITE MARKS FROM THEIR DEODORANT.
DEGREE ULTRA CLEAR PURE CLEAN GOES ON CLEARER THAN SECRET FLAWLESS INVISIBLE SOLID.
GIVING YOU THE CONFIDENCE YOU NEED TO START YOUR DAY.
THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR.
DEGREE ULTRA CLEAR PURE CLEAN.
LITTLE BLACK DRESS APPROVED.
A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
Announcer: ONLY REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP HAS BOTAFIRM TO VISIBLY REDUCE WRINKLES BY 87%, IN JUST TWO WEEKS, WHILE FIRMING, FOR DRAMATICALLY YOUNGER-LOOKING SKIN.
REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
OBVIOUSLY, IT TOOK A BI TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
IT'S NOT A BASTARDIZATION OF MY "HOLLYWOOD EX" IDEA, SO MUCH AS A P.
I.
SERIES.
THAT CAN HAVE SOME REALLY WONDERFULLY RICH LAYERS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA WRITE? IF IT SELLS.
THAT'S FAIR.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE PRESSURE TO SELL OUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THEIR CAREERS.
YOU DIDN'T.
I'M NOT SELLING OUT.
TV IS A COLLABORATIVE ART.
IT'S NOT LIKE WRITING A NOVEL.
COMPROMISES HAVE TO BE MADE.
COMPROMISES ARE THE ENEMY OF ART.
I DON'T AGREE.
I DO.
THE PROBLEM IS WHEN YOU END UP COMPROMISING SO MUCH THAT YOU END UP WITH AN UNRECOGNIZABLE, WATERED-DOWN MESS.
WHICH DOESN'T SELL, DOESN'T GET MADE, OR IS AN EMBARRASSMEN IF IT DOES.
WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS, SO I GUESS I'M NO AS CYNICAL AS YOU.
YOU'RE THE CYNICAL ONE.
YOU'VE GIVEN UP ON WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE, AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.
HEY, DID ANYONE SEE MY CARTOON CAPTION INTHE NEW YORKER? IT'S A DONUT, NOT A BAGEL.
IT'S FUNNY.
COME IN.
OH, GOOD GOD.
JULIE.
THIS IS WHY WE DECLARED OUR INDEPENDENCE.
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME TO SEE ME DO MY FINAL SET OF LUNGES.
I HAVE DECIDED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH YOU.
NO ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT IT.
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT I DESPISE YOU AND THA WILL NEVER CHANGE.
YOU SHOULD ALSO BE AWARE THAT I AM HIGHLY ORGASMIC AND WILL NOT WAIT.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME WHO FELT THE CHEMISTRY.
C'MERE, YOU SNARLING LITTLE MINX.
OH, NO.
NOT THE BREASTS.
OKAY.
NO, NO.
N-- NOT THE THIGHS.
LOOK, I'M ALL FOR MAKING THIS DIFFICULT, AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY WORTH IT, BUT-- OKAY, WELL, IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE UP TO IT.
OH, I'M UP TO IT.
JOAN! WHERE ARE YOU? GARY! HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
AND NO, I WILL NOT HIDE.
I'LL BE BACK.
HONEY, I'VE GOTTA TAKE THIS.
IT'S-- IT'S RESEARCH FOR MY PITCH.
HI.
STEVE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CALLING ME BACK.
NO.
NO, MY HUSBAND ISN'T CHEATING ON ME.
NO, I DON'T NEED HELP FINDING MY-- MOM.
MY BIRTH PARENTS.
I'M ON THE PHONE.
MOM.
UH, NO.
PEOPLE ASK YOU TO DO THAT? MOM, HANG UP.
NO, I'D LIKE TO PICK YOUR BRAIN FOR A TV SERIES.
YEAH.
MOM, MOM I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW THE INS AND OUTS OF-- OF P.
I.
WORK.
OKAY-- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN-- YOU CAN EAT IN FRON OF THE TV, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.
GREAT, GREAT.
DO YOU HAVE TIME TOMORROW? UH, AND I'D LIKE TO DO I WHILE MY DAUGHTER'S IN SCHOOL.
UH-- I'LL-- I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
HEY, MOLLY.
HI.
I HAVE A PITCH AT UAA, AND THEY WANT ME TO TURN MY MOVIE IDEA INTO A P.
I.
SERIES.
I LOVE THAT YOU'RE CALLING ME FOR ADVICE.
OH, NO NO NO.
I JUST-- YOU DO IT.
YOU DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO TO GET IT MADE.
I KNOW, RIGHT? SO I'M MEETING THIS P.
I.
, WHICH IS WHY I'M CALLING-- IF THEY WANT YOU TO TURN YOUR IDEA INTO A CARTOON ABOUT KIDS KILLING SHEEP, YOU DO THAT.
WAIT.
DON'T USE THAT.
KIDSKILLING SHEEPCARTOON.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S TOO BIG A COMPROMISE? PLEASE.
TO GET MONEY FORBLOOD CANAL, I LOOKED A MIDDLE EASTERN BACKER IN THE FACE AND SAID, "DEATH TO DISNEYLAND.
" SO YOU DO YOUR P.
I.
SERIES.
ALL RIGHT, YOU DO I UNTIL YOU'RE SWEATY, AND KNEE-DEEP IN THE THICK OF IT.
YOU DO IT UNTIL YOU CAN HOLD CHUNKS OF IT IN YOUR HAND, AND YOU CAN SAY TO THE WORLD, "LOOK AT THIS.
HUH? LOOK WHAT I CREATED.
" UM.
SO DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU'LL PICK UP JADEN AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW? I HAVE A MEETING.
OH, WHOA WHOA WHOA.
I'M KNEE-DEEP HERE, MYSELF.
TRYING TO CAST THE PRESIDEN FOR THE RESHOOTS.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, KENNY? I'M TRYING TO STAR A CAREER, AND AFTER NINE YEARS OF YOUR TEDIOUS BUSINESS DINNERS, ASPEN VACATIONS WHEN I DON'T EVEN SKI, AND SENDING BIRTHDAY PRESENTS TO PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD DO THIS FOR ME.
OKAY.
I'LL, UH, I'LL BRING HER HOME AFTER DINNER.
REALLY? THANKS.
SURE.
AND WHEN YOU'RE AT UAA, YOU TALK UP ALEC BALDWIN FORBLOOD CANAL.
BYE, BABE.
BYE.
WHEN PEOPLE LIE, THEY LOOK TO THE RIGHT.
NEVER FAILS.
I HAD NO IDEA.
MM-HMM.
WHY DID YOU BECOME A P.
I.
ANYWAY? JOAN.
I TOLD YOU YOU COULD COME OVER IF YOU LET ME DO MY WORK, AND THAT INCLUDES LETTING ME ASK THE QUESTIONS.
DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW WHY HE BECAME A P.
I.
? YES.
WHY DID YOU BECOME A P.
I.
? WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I CAME OUT OF THE THEATER, AND MY PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN RIGH IN FRONT OF ME IN COLD BLOOD.
AND I VOWED RIGHT THEN AND THERE THAT I WOULD HUNT DOWN THE KILLER WHILE HELPING OTHERS GET JUSTICE AT THE SAME TIME.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
THAT'SBATMAN.
OKAY.
OKAY, I WAS A ROGUE COP.
AH, AH, YOUR EYES JUST SHIFTED RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOOD.
OKAY, UM.
I GOT CANNED FROM MY GIG AS A SECURITY GUARD AFTER MY THIRD POSITIVE URINE TEST, AND I JUST FIGURED, YOU KNOW, HELL, I ALREADY GOT THE GUN AND THE BEADED CAR SEAT, SO IT WAS EITHER THIS OR I BECOME A CAB DRIVER.
AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE CABS IN L.
A.
EXCUSE ME.
MM-HMM.
SO, STEVE YEAH.
TELL ME THE WORST PAR ABOUT YOUR JOB.
SOMETHING REALLY DEPRAVED.
LOOK AT THIS.
3:00, JEMMA B.
TALK ME DOWN.
TELL ME THAT IT'S NOTHING AGAIN.
CALL DEVON AND ASK HIM.
I CAN'T.
HE HATES I WHEN I'M NOSY.
WHO'S THE GUY? HE'S A P.
I.
THAT I'M INTERVIEWING FOR THE SERIES.
HOW MUCH TO FOLLOW MY HUSBAND RIGHT NOW? 500? DONE! ROAD TRIP.
I'M INTERVIEWING HIM! ON STAKEOUTS, HE PEES IN A BOTTLE.
HE'S GOING LEFT! LEFT! DON'T LOSE HIM! NOBODY LIKES A BACKSEAT P.
I.
HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FOUND THAT IT'S ACTUALLY THE HUSBAND WHO INSISTED HIS WIFE CHEAT? NEVER.
TAKE A MINUTE BEFORE YOU ANSWER.
WHAT'S DRIVING YOU TO DO THIS, LIZ? WHAT DID DEVON DO TO YOU? HE GOT FAMOUS.
HAVE YOU READ THE PAPERS? EVERY DAY.
EVERY DAY SOME ATHLETE IS CAUGHT STEPPING OUT.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN DEVON WILL.
OH, YES, HE WILL.
WHAT CELEBRITY HASN'T? JOAN'S RIGHT.
HE'S LIVING WITH A DECISION THAT HE MADE AT 17.
ONE DAY, HE'S GONNA WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT HE CAN HAVE ANYBODY HE WANTS.
PROBABLY ALREADY HAS.
SUCKER? LOOK, I'M JUST BEING HONEST.
EVEN IF HE LOVES HER NOW, HE'LL GET SICK OF HER EVENTUALLY.
IT HAPPENED TO ME, IT HAPPENED TO YOU.
THINGS DON'T WORK OUT.
LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
I HATE GRAPE.
DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
DEVON IS ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.
AND YOU CANNOT GO YOUR WHOLE LIFE OBSESSING OVER YOUR HUSBAND.
KENNY, I'M BUSY IS SHE HURT? OKAY, HE'S PULLING INTO THIS DRIVEWAY UP HERE.
NEOSPORIN AND A BAND-AID.
YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, KENNY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO A DRUGSTORE, YOU'VE GOT A FIRST-AID KI IN THE TRUNK.
YOU RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE? NO.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
NO, DON'T PUT JADEN ON THE PHONE, I'M HANGING UP.
GIVE HER YOUR GUN.
STAY CALM.
HI, JADEN.
SWEETIE, SWEETIE, IT'S JUST A LITTLE BOO-BOO.
HAVE SOME DEEP BREATHS, A FEW DEEP BREATHS.
I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
NO! NOW, THE JAMES BEARD FOUNDATION RISING STAR CHEF OF THE YEAR CHRISTOPHER LEE ON THE AR OF COOKING.
USE STOCK.
AND WHEN I'M COOKING AT HOME, THAT MEANS NEW SWANSON STOCK.
IT KEEPS THE MEAT JUICY AND BRINGS OU THE NATURAL FLAVORS.
Announcer: SO IF YOU WANT TO COOK LIKE CHEF CHRISTOPHER LEE, COOK WITH NEW SWANSON STOCK.
IT'S THE JCPenney FINAL DAYS LOWEST PRICES OF THE SEASON SALE WITH DOORBUSTERS FRIDAY 3pm TIL CLOSE AND SATURDAY 8am TO 1pm.
AND GET OUR LOWEST PRICES ALL DAY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY.
LIKE LEVI'S JEANS FOR $29.
99.
FOR BOYS AND GIRLS ONLY $19.
99.
WOMEN'S MOCKS AND TURTLENECKS ARE $6.
99.
PLUS SAVE 50-60% ON ALL SHEETS.
TAKE 55% OFF ALL MEN'S OUTERWEAR.
SAVE 40-50% ON BRAS.
THE JCPenney FINAL DAYS LOWEST PRICES OF THE SEASON SALE.
GO TO jcp.
com TO SEE EVERYTHING ON SALE.
330?00f0?033 A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
Announcer: ONLY REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP HAS BOTAFIRM TO VISIBLY REDUCE WRINKLES BY 87%, IN JUST TWO WEEKS, WHILE FIRMING, FOR DRAMATICALLY YOUNGER-LOOKING SKIN.
REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTAN THIS RELATIONSHIP IS TO ME.
IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE JUST SAYING THE WORDS, DEVON.
SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WHO ARE YOU? LIZ.
YOU KNOW HER? THAT'S MY WIFE.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE? DID YOU FOLLOW ME HERE? PERHAPS I SHOULD EXPLAIN.
AND IF I WANT YOU TO SPEAK, BLONDIE, I WILL ASK YOU.
SHE'S A SPORTS PSYCHOLOGIST.
WHAT? WE'RE WORKING ON OUR COMMUNICATION.
SKIP MADE US.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST WALKED IN ON OUR THERAPY SESSION.
BABY, I'M SO SORRY.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
WHAT HAPPENED? THAT DID NOT GO WELL.
DOT DOT DOT-- JADEN, I HAVE TO WORK.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, OKAY? HEY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU GO TO THE GIFT CLOSET, PICK OUT ANYTHING YOU WANT, AND PLAY IN YOUR ROOM, OKAY? OKAY! OKAY.
DRESSER.
OH, RIGHT.
NO, NO, NO.
PUSH IT AGAINS THE DOOR.
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I DON'T THINK I'VE DONE I SOBER SINCE I WAS 12.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY FLATTERED, JOAN.
HELL, YOU REMEMBERED MY NAME.
I DID.
NOT A REQUIREMENT.
YOU'RE A FUNNY THING.
TALKING ISN' A REQUIREMENT, EITHER.
JUST GET ON WITH IT.
JOAN MCALLISTER, PAGING JOAN MCALLISTER.
YOU KNOW, IN THE FUTURE, I'M GONNA USE THAT VOICE TO KEEP FROM CLIMAXING.
THAT'S NOT MY BUSINESS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ART? WELL, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MASSIVE PICTURES OF YOU AND BARELY CLAD BIMBOS WITH SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS, SO NOT A STYLE.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THAT THING? ART.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I THINK WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S A SUBJECTIVE TERM.
YOU MEAN LIKE, UH, GAY? YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON YOUR CLOSET.
ADD MORE SPACE, MAYBE A CAPPUCCINO BAR, A LAP POOL.
WHY NOT A KITCHEN? SINCE THE CLOSET'S WHERE YOU LIVE.
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.
NOW.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? HE THREW IT AT YOU? LIKE IT WAS A FRISBEE.
DID, UM, MM-MM KNOW YOU HAD PAINTED IT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM? I WANTED HIM TO LIKE I ON HIS OWN TERMS.
I GOT BORED WAITING.
KEEP TALKING.
I'LL CATCH UP.
THINK ECRU.
WELL, I MET MM-MM'S GIRLFRIEND, THEN HE HIT ON ME.
OH, RODNEY.
YOU DON'T NEED THIS KIND OF DRAMA.
BUSINESS IS GOOD.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
WE WILL FIND YOU A GOOD MAN.
SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES YOU.
WHOSE MOM IS PRESIDEN OF THE LOCAL P-FLAG.
NO, NO.
ECRU.
IT'S SLIGHTLY BEIGE, BUT MOSTLY WHITE.
IT'S IN THE CRAYOLA BOX.
YOU KNOW, IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOUR FRIEND DAVID SHEA-- HE'S NOT MY FRIEND.
GOOD.
BECAUSE IT'S PEOPLE LIKE HIM WHO MAKE IT HARD FOR PEOPLE LIKE MM-MM TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
AND IF PEOPLE LIKE MM-MM COULD COME OUTTA THE CLOSET, IT'D MAKE IT BETTER FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.
LIKE A DAY AT THE BEACH.
OOH.
IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT, JADEN.
I DON'T CARE IF DAISY'S MOM SAID YOU COULD, NO SLEEPOVERS.
I'M GOING INTO MY MEETING.
BYE.
LOVE YOU.
I SAID NO.
HEY.
MOLLY, GREAT NEWS.
JAY MAGUIRE WAS IN THE BUILDING, SO WE SET HIM UP FOR YOUR PITCH.
NBC IS THE PERFECT NETWORK FOR THIS, SO KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
HE'S IN TED'S OFFICE WAITING.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO CHANGE ONE THING.
THE NEW BRET RATNER MOVIE, SPACELAND, STARS THE THREE JESSICAS: SIMPSON, ALBA, AND BIEL AS INTERGALACTIC BOUNTY HUNTERS.
OPENED LAST NIGH WITH HUGE NUMBERS.
YEAH, WELL BREASTS, GUNS, AND EXPLOSIONS.
OF COURSE IT OPENED HUGE.
SO YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.
NO.
YES.
PLEASE DON'T SAY IT.
JAY WANTS A SHOW ABOUT A FEMALE BOUNTY HUNTER.
OH.
SO WHEN YOU PITCH, EVERY TIME YOU WERE GONNA SAY P.
I.
, JUST SAY BOUNTY HUNTER INSTEAD.
BOOM! THE YACH WITH GRACIE'S OVER-EXTENDED HUSBAND AND UNDERAGE MISTRESS EXPLODES.
SIX MONTHS PASS.
GRACIE POLLOCK? NOW A BOUNTY HUNTER.
SO FRANCIS CANE HIRES GRACIE TO FIND HER MISSING NFL LINEBACKER HUSBAND.
EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT SHE SHOULD PROBABLY BE HIRING A P.
I.
AND NOT A BOUNTY HUNTER, SHE WANTS SOMEONE WHO SHE WANTS-- SHE WANTS SOMEONE THAT SHE KNOWS.
FRANCIS CANE AND GRACIE HAVE KIDS WHO GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL.
NO SOONER HAS A HEARTBROKEN GRACIE-- THROUGH THE DOGGY DOOR-- THE COPS ARRIVE-- STANDING OVER JEMMA B.
'S DEAD BODY.
HI.
OKAY.
IT'S FINE.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU FLOSS, OKAY? BYE.
KIDS.
OKAY.
UM-- UH-- AND THEN A BIG SHOOTOUT.
AND THEN EVERYONE GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.
BUT SOME PEOPLE GO TO THE POLICE STATION.
AND THEN GRACIE GOES TO HER NEW OFFICE, WHERE SHE IS ABOUT TO BECOME BRENTWOOD'S MOST SOUGHT-AFTER BOUNTY HUNTER.
DO IT! WHAT, YOU THINK I'M SCARED? THAT I WON'T DO IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? THAT I DON'T HAVE THE BALLS? DO THE WORDS "WELCOME RELIEF" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? Oh, oh, oh, oh THIS IS A BRAND NEW DAY Oh, oh, oh, oh AND IT'S GETTING BETTER EVERY SINGLE WAY Oh, oh, oh, oh THIS IS A BRAND NEW DAY Oh, oh, oh, oh AND I'M FEELING BETTER WHEN YOU SAY La, la, la, la, la, Love.
A NEW DAY.
NEW WAYS TO SAVE.
AH, WELCOME, BROOKE SHIELDS.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? WELL, THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC SWEEPING OUR NATION.
- Beetle: REALLY? - WOMEN EVERYWHERE ARE HAVING BABIES JUST TO GET THE NEW VOLKSWAGEN ROUTAN.
TAKE THIS COUPLE.
CHRISTINE HERE IS SO SEDUCED BY GERMAN ENGINEERING, SHE'S HAVING A BABY JUST TO GET IT.
THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HAVING A BABY-- WITH A STRANGE MAN SHE BARELY KNOWS.
- Man: I'M HER HUSBAND.
- DON'T BE LIKE CHRISTINE.
HAVE A BABY FOR LOVE, NOT FOR GERMAN ENGINEERING.
Man: LADY, WE'RE STANDING RIGHT HERE.
LEARN WHA I'M DOING TO HELP AT RoutanBoom.
org.
WHOO! Beetle:WE SHOULD HAVE SE I AS A PHARMACIS WAS VERY SKEPTICAL.
I LOST 26 POUNDS USING ALLI.
MY FRIENDS WERE ABSOLUTELY AMAZED.
THEY HAD NO IDEA THAT ALLI WOULD WORK THAT WELL.
IF YOU STICK TO THE GUIDELINES THAT COME WITH THE STARTER PACK, YOU'LL DO GREAT.
PEOPLE COME INTO THE PHARMACY AND IT'S REAL EASY TO RECOMMEND THE PRODUC BECAUSE HONESTLY, IT HAS WORKED SO WELL FOR ME.
MORNING, FRANK.
HEY, JOAN.
OKAY, WE'VE ESCAPED.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE SHAG YOU DESERVE.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT I DESERVE.
UH, NICK NOLTE.
MORGAN FREEMAN.
I DON'T KNOW.
MICHAEL CAINE.
THAT GUY'LL TAKE ANYTHING.
OR, HELLO, MICHAEL DOUGLAS.
LOVES BEING PRESIDENT.
HOLD ON.
DON'T MOVE.
AW, C'MON, GIVE US A QUICK FLASH.
MMM.
OH, YOU'VE GO THE MOST LOVELY SKIN, JOANIE.
QUIT YAPPING AND PU YOUR MOUTH TO BETTER USE.
OOH! YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THOSE GUYS.
I GOT DAVID SHEA.
REPLACING DEVON MARSH, NUMBER 32, LEFT-HANDER, MAX WATKINS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
BABE, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WOO! YOU'RE THE BEST! BIG D! SIGN MY SCORECARD? YOU CAN BE MY CLOSER ANY TIME.
OKAY.
THAT'S IT.
HI.
I NEED YOU TO GE YOUR BIG, FAKE BOOBS OUTTA MY HUSBAND'S FACE BEFORE I USE THEM FOR BATTING PRACTICE.
LIZ, COME ON.
CALM DOWN.
I'M JUST TRYING TO GE AN AUTOGRAPH FOR MY KID.
DEVON! HONEY, WAIT! CAN WE SEESPACELAND? NO.
BUT MOM, IT'S THE THREE JESSICAS.
THEY WEAR SKIN-TIGHT CLOTHES, BEAT UP THE BAD GUYS, AND SAVE THE GALAXY.
NOW YOU'VE SEEN IT.
SKYLER! HEY.
WHAT'RE YOU SEEING? UH,POODLE CLUBAGAIN.
YOU? UH,SPACELAND.
WHAT? YOU LIKE BOUNTY HUNTERS? THEY'RE OKAY.
'CAUSE I'M WAITING TO HEAR IF I SOLD HOLLYWOOD EX, BOUNTY HUNTER.
I THOUGH SHE WAS A P.
I.
GO AHEAD, LAUGH, SAY I TOLD YOU SO.
NO, NO, I GET IT.
IT'S A METAPHOR, WHERE THE GUYS WHO JUMP BAIL REPRESEN THE MAN WHO WENT AWOL ON HER MARRIAGE.
IT'S GOT A LOT OF LAYERS.
YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER, 'CAUSE THEY'RE STILL WADING THROUGH ALL THOSE LAYERS.
CALL THEM.
YOU GOTTA STOP BEING SO NICE.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT.
MY MOTHER USED TO SAY THAT.
MOM, THEY'RE SEEINGSPACELAND, WE GOTTA GO SEESPACELAND.
PLEASE? SORRY.
CAN THEY COME WITH US, DAD? PLEASE? I ALREADY SAID NO.
POODLE CLUB'SSTUPID, IT'S FOR BABIES.
YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING FUN.
LET'S GO.
NO! OKAY, OKAY.
POODLE CLUB.
NEVER MIND! SHALL WE ESCAPE AGAIN TOMORROW? I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
IS THAT YOUR MOM? SHE EXTENDED MY STAY HERE.
SHE'S ON SAFARI, AND SHE CAN'T BE BOTHERED.
SET HER HEAD ON FIRE.
ANYONE WANNA WATCH ME TRAIN FOR MY CHANNEL SWIM? I'M IN.
YOU'RE EARLY.
TEN MINUTES.
HERE'S THE BALANCE OF YOUR DEPOSIT.
LESS 20% FOR PAIN, AND SUFFERING, AND GAS MILEAGE.
HERE.
YOU'RE QUITTING.
PEOPLE HIRE ME BECAUSE THEY RESPECT ME.
AND THAT IS HOW I ROLL.
GOOD-BYE, FELIX.
RODNEY, WAIT.
WAIT.
PLEASE.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW EASY YOU HAVE IT? EXCUSE ME? THE DECORATOR, LOUD AND PROUD, WHILE THE HERO HIDES.
THAT'S WHO I HAVE TO BE.
NO, THAT'S WHO YOU CHOOSE TO BE.
I CHOSE A LONG TIME AGO, AND NOW I CAN'T ESCAPE IT.
I'M AN INDUSTRY.
PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME.
NOBODY'S GONNA PAY 12 BUCKS TO SEE A GAY ACTION HERO.
I WOULD.
MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER PLACE WE CAN PUT YOUR PAINTING.
WELL MAYBE I COULD RE-HANG THESE POSTERS.
THEY SHOULD REALLY BE AT EYE LEVEL.
YOU'RE HOME LATE.
I HAD A VERY GOOD TIME TODAY.
THANK YOU.
LISTEN, KIDDO.
YOU AND I, WE'RE A TEAM.
AND THAT DOESN'T JUST MEAN LOVING EACH OTHER, IT MEANS HELPING EACH OTHER.
SO THAT MEANS IF I'M WORKING REALLY HARD, OR ON AN IMPORTANT CALL, IT'S FOR BOTH OF US.
AND YOU DON' GET PRIZES FOR LETTING ME WORK HARD.
JUST LIKE I DON' GET PRIZES WHEN I HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK OR BUY YOU SHAMPOO.
OKAY? SHOULD I PUT THE BARBIE CORVETTE BACK IN THE GIFT CLOSET? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
HELLO.
HI, MOLLY.
IT'S TED.
TED.
GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.
HEY, I'M AFRAID I'VE GO SOME BAD NEWS.
THE PROJECT'S DEAD.
EVERYONE PASSED.
DID THEY SAY WHY? EH, THEY FEL YOUR IDEA WAS DERIVATIVE.
MMM.
THEY WERE RIGHT.
UH, WELL, HEADING INTO THE CANYON.
PROBABLY GONNA LO-- OLLY-- OLLY-- -- ERE? A-- -- OLLY? HELLO? I DIDN'T SELL THE IDEA.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OKAY.
'CAUSE IT STUNK.
IT DIDN'T STINK.
YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK HARDER TO BE GOOD AT IT.
HIGH-FIVE.
WE FADE IN ON GRACIE POLLOCK DRIVING THROUGH BEVERLY HILLS.
WE HEAR HER THOUGHTS IN VOICE-OVER.
THE TROUBLE STARTED WITH AN EARRING.
IT WASN'T JUST ANY EARRING.
NO, THIS WAS A DELICATE, GOLD WIRE HOOP, SUDDENLY ATTACHED TO MY HUSBAND'S RIGHT EARLOBE.
BUT HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT THE DEMISE OF MY NINE-YEAR, TEN-MONTH, 18-HOUR MARRIAGE COULD'VE BEEN FORETOLD MERE WEEKS BEFORE BY A TINY PIECE OF METAL IN A MIDDLE-AGED MAN'S EAR? THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO BECOME A HOLLYWOOD EX.
IN MY CASE, I LET COMPROMISE DWARF EVERYTHING ELSE.
I LET MY PASSION BE WORN DOWN TO A NUB.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT MAY BE A PATTERN IN MY LIFE.
A LESSON I NEED TO LEARN OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER.
WE SEE GRACIE TURN THE WRONG WAY ONTO A ONE-WAY STREET.
GOD, I HOPE I GET IT RIGHT SOON.
THAT'S ALL I HAVE SO FAR.
OH, YOU GUYS.
COME ON.
IT'S NOT THAT GOOD.
OKAY, MAYBE IT IS.
SEE YOU, GUYS.
GOOD WORK, D.
J.
MOLLY, WAIT.
UM-- YEAH? CAN YOU STAY? SURE.
UM, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LIKE HAVING YOU IN THE WORKSHOP.
I LIKE ARGUING WITH YOU, AND I'M HAPPY TO HELP YOU PROFESSIONALLY AND CREATIVELY, AND I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY THAT I'M GONNA OVERSTEP.
OH, YOU MEAN THE-- THE FLIRTING PART.
RIGHT.
MM.
LET'S JUS KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL AND FRIENDLY.
THAT'S-- THAT'S BEST.
PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK TO THE RIGHT WHEN THEY LIE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? THAT'S ALL I GOT SO FAR.
Captioning byCaptionMax A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS.
Announcer: ONLY REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP HAS BOTAFIRM TO VISIBLY REDUCE WRINKLES BY 87%, IN JUST TWO WEEKS, WHILE FIRMING, FOR DRAMATICALLY YOUNGER-LOOKING SKIN.
REVLON AGE DEFYING MAKEUP.
Announcer: WHAT DO YOU WANT AS YOUR REWARD? I WANT TO TAKE ALL MY LADIES OUT TO A REALLY NICE DINNER.
HEY! DADDY, DADDY! DADDY'S GONNA SI RIGHT BETWEEN YOU.
HELLO, HELLO.
Announcer: CHASE FREEDOM INTRODUCES REWARDS POINTS YOU CAN USE LIKE CASH TO GET ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I WANT A NEW HOUSE FOR RUFUS.
OOH! RUFUS, WHAT KIND OF HOUSE WOULD SUIT YOU? Announcer: WITH THE CHASE FREEDOM CREDIT CARD, USE YOUR POINTS TO GE ANY ITEM, ANY PLACE.
FREEDOM MATTERS.