The Trip (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Hello? Steve, it's Rob.
Oh hey, hey.
How's the show going? Just finished.
Just started the hiatus.
Yeah, I know.
I spoke to your agent.
Listen, The Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews.
Another six lunches.
Really? But this time in Italy.
La bella Italia, yeah? What do you think? Well They'll fly you to Europe.
First class? No.
They're offering business.
This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
For you, sir.
Grazie Mille.
Prego.
Grazie.
Sleep well last night? Yeah, like a baby.
I didn't.
Up worrying all night.
Why? Been sent a script for an American film.
Got to put it on tape, get it back to them today.
What's the part? The lead in a Michael Mann film.
What? Really? Yeah.
Well, it's a mafia film.
One of the leads.
He's a sort of an easily led sort of guy, who gets killed at the second act.
You're Welsh.
Lot of similarities between the Welsh and the Italians, you know that.
No, there aren't.
Yes, there are.
Both love singing.
Both short and swarthy.
Both love ice cream.
There's loads of Italians in Wales who run ice cream parlours.
You winding me up? No.
So will you help me with the audition later? It's just an audition.
It's not an offer, is it? No, I've got to put myself on tape.
So will you help me? Right.
Help you and read the other part? No, Alba's going to read the other part.
Who? Alba.
The receptionist.
She's going to read the other part? How Yeah, it's a woman's part.
How do you wangle that? I asked her.
We rehearsed last night.
She'll read.
I just need you to hold the camera.
A nice shot.
You're back? Working late, sorry.
You want a drink? I was already in bed.
Long night.
When I used to imagine what we'd be doing ten years ago She'd be at school.
This is it.
I love you.
I love Izzy.
I love this house.
And now that we got it, I can't enjoy it.
There's too much going on out there.
My head has to be out there.
Why don't we just get away? Go to the lake house.
Just a few days, like we used to? I can't right now.
That's, erm Do you want to do it like that? Why not? I think a sprinkling of Al Pacino would be good, but youdo you really want to be doing an impersonation? I want to do it like this.
Mind you, you might not recognise who you're doing.
So, there might be some method in your madness.
Well, I'm a method actor.
There is method in my madness.
That is Al.
Al Pacino.
Not what I was doing.
Right, shall we do it again, Mr Kubrick? Alba, when Rob kisses you, you look very uncomfortable.
No, I'm happy.
Yeah? I'm comfortable.
OK.
Great.
Whenever you're ready.
# I'm broke but I'm happy # I'm poor but I'm kind # I'm short and I'm healthy, yeah # I'm high but I'm grounded # I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed # I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby # What it all comes down to # Is that everything's going to be fine, fine, fine # Cause I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving a high-five Yeah, keep your hands on the wheel.
That's what she That's what she's saying.
She's not driving the car though with a passenger in.
Yeah, but she's like Yeah, if she were driving, I would say the same to her.
"Alanis, love, both hands on the wheel, please".
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, but then just when you think everything's good, all of a sudden Then and suddenly .
.
out of nowhere.
.
.
out of nowhere, you're in the dark again.
Right, now then.
Go left, go left.
I can't fuck, fuck, fuck, can't go left.
Fuck, fuck, fuck? You're being Hugh Grant Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck.
That's no entry.
Can we have the sat nav on now please? OK.
Where are you? I think we're on the outskirts of Rome.
Right, well, we're here.
We've arrived already.
So if you definitely follow the signs for the centre, we're near the Piazza Del Popolo.
What signs? There are no signs.
If you follow signs for the centre.
Guide us in.
Ask her just to talk us in, like a stricken pilot in an airliner.
Have you not got your sat nav? It's having trouble finding the satellite.
Ooh hot.
Steven, struggling to cope with the heat.
Seriously, will you, please will you just not do that any more? Seriously? Yeah.
Say no more.
Can I just And go left, go left.
Can't go left.
There's a bike there.
I'll kill him.
Right.
You got a right, right, right.
Up there, there.
Whoa! Bloody hell.
This is where we're going, right? That's where we want to be.
You need to go round.
Watch him, watch him.
Watch the Smart car, watch the Smart car! What now? Bloody hell.
What's wrong with you? Right, go round this wall and get back inside.
"While stands the Coliseum, Rome shall stand.
"When the Coliseum falls, Rome shall fall.
"When Rome falls, the world.
" Russell Crowe? Gladiator? Almost.
Lord Byron.
"When the Coliseum stands, Rome stands.
" Making it sound like it's a Rolf Harris reciting Byron, trying to do Russell Crowe.
Can you tell what it is yet? I'm a Gladiator.
Is this the right way? There is an obelisk in our square.
I know that.
You'll have to go aroundall right, watch him.
All right.
Is this Popolo? Is this Piazza Del Popolo? I don't know.
Yeah, this is it.
This is it, this is it.
Thank God for that.
Bleeding ridiculous.
It's not like it's a new town.
They've had 2,000 years to sort out the traffic system.
I'm going to bring up the suitcases.
No, they can do that.
And they can park the car.
Steve.
Hi.
How you doing? Hello.
You all right? Yeah, it was a nightmare.
How are you? You all right? Nice to see you.
Nice to see you too.
You remember Yolanda? Yeah, hi, how are you? Nice to see you.
How are you? Careful, I'm very, very sweaty.
Looking good.
Thank you.
Nice dress.
Lady in red.
Terrible song.
Well, you've made it in the end.
You're here now.
Yes, all roads lead to Rome.
Absolutely.
All the roads we were on went round in circles.
So are we checked in? No, actually you're not staying here.
You're going to stay in the apartment above the Keats and Shelley Museum.
Where Keats lived.
Yeah.
Can we use your rooms for us to have a shower or something? Course you can.
All right.
Can you get our bags shown up to the room? Yeah.
We'll sort it all out.
Take your time.
See you in a bit.
It's quite small.
Wow, it's nice.
Posthumous Reputations.
"Though hardly known during their lifetime, after their death, "both Keats and Shelley became more famous than Byron.
" So? There you go.
There is hope.
People will laugh at your jokes when you're dead.
You're not "hardly known", Rob.
Thank you.
There's Byron.
Let's have a shot.
Stick yourself in front of him.
Then make the pose.
You're a good mimic.
Oh, he can't decide.
Yes, he's going to do it.
Right, hang on.
Ready? Wait a minute.
One, two, three.
Bang.
Nice.
Well done.
Look at that.
That's good.
That is good actually.
Captures his dark mood.
Oh, you've done that.
Is this where Shelley was cremated? That's Viareggio.
Oh, wow, yeah.
That's where we were yesterday.
Sun loungers don't really come across as they should.
This is Teresa Guiccioli.
Come and see this.
She's the one who was the she was married to a nobleman, she became Byron's mistress when she was 17 and they made love for four days straight.
Wow.
I mean is that possible? Well, yeah.
Steve, four days continuous love making.
I'm glad you didn't try to answer that yourself.
No.
Out of my depth.
I've gone to an expert.
It depends what you mean by continuous Well, exactly.
What do they mean by continuous? .
.
like four times a day probably.
Is that Yeah.
Yeah.
When it's on a weekend, I mean, on a bank holiday, that's easily achievable.
My God, is that his bed? It's so small.
Is this the one he actually died in? There's a little sign here.
It's by IKEA.
From their Romantics Collection.
Right.
If you're, you know, don't have much space in the spare room, but you want to have a poet to die.
Oh, this is nice.
It's really nice.
You can imagine you're living just where Keats was living.
Yeah.
He didn't really live here, did he? I mean, it's just, you know, came here and then died.
You are close to great location, The Spanish Steps.
The Spanish Steps.
For me, the Spanish Step, if I am in Rome, is the one place I have to go.
People say, Manchego, why? I say, because for me, a little bit of Spain in Italy, right now.
Emma? Yeah? There's only one double bed.
What? Why don't we put a step in here? It's right next to the And he's doing Listen.
Do you want to sleep next to that? Not really.
What you saying then? What do you want? Just get a room at your hotel.
Yep, of course.
Great.
Good.
Gin and tonic.
Gin and tonic.
Oh, that's me.
You sir.
And lemonade for the boy.
Thank you very much.
Just the tonic.
Enjoy your drink.
Grazia.
Look, there's so many tourists.
It's really it's crazy, isn't it? There's too many people in the world.
It's overcrowded.
In Shelley and Byron's day, there was only, not much more than one billion people.
But there's always been tourists here.
That's why Byron left here.
He said, "I'm getting away from the tourists.
" And they annoyed him then and there would have been far fewer.
Yeah, but you should be pleased.
The whole reason you can get this many people is because the ordinary man can travel, which is your big thing, isn't it? In his day, it was just the aristocracy.
It was the nobleman.
E.
M.
Forster writing about English and Americans touring round Italy.
Yeah, like Room With A View.
Yeah, with Daniel Day Lewis, when he used to be posh, before he became Irish.
Miss Honeychurch, I wondered if you might allow me the privilege of joining you for dinner on the Palazzo this evening? Why are you doing Hugh Grant? I'm not doing Hugh Grant.
Hugh Grant would be, "Oh, gosh, Miss Honeychurch.
I wondered if you "might, as it were, join me this evening?" It's different.
Yeah.
It sounds like, a Hugh Grant, half an octave up.
I went taller as well.
I went taller.
I straightened my back.
I would, I spent 16 years of my life in prison for something I didn't do.
I saw my father die in prison for something he didn't do.
"Daniel Day Lewis, is Ronan Keating in Boyzone The Movie.
" It's Gerry Conlon from the Guildford Four.
Was that after Westlife? No, the Guildford Four.
Wrongfully convicted of bombing the Guildford pubs in 1974, along with the Birmingham Six.
Did you ever see "Dan" in Lincoln? Apparently they had to call him Mr President on set.
Yeah.
I wish to abolish slavery before my term as president is done.
I simply need the right number of votes from congress.
I think on the basis of that, you might be able to do a good Katharine Hepburn.
Yes.
Norman, Norman, the loons, Norman, the loons.
Come and see the loons, Norman.
Yeah, sure you want to, you want to violate my own daughter under my own roof? Oh, Norman.
Nobody wants to violate our daughter.
Well, he wants to share a bedroom with her.
Well let 'em share a bedroom, Norman.
These are the modern times.
It's the 1970s.
Have you seen Dan Day Lewis in the remake of Fellini's 8½? Yeah.
And there was a musical version called Nine.
Oh, God, yeah.
Dreadful.
Awful.
You know every Italian film you reference is directed by Fellini? Did you get the box set for Christmas? He's iconic.
Isn't he iconic? He's making an oblique reference to Alanis Morissette.
Been listening to a lot of Alanis.
It's his favourite CD.
My wife's favourite CD.
Is it? Mmhm.
Isn't that one about a disastrous relationship? Well, yes.
She listened to it just before she met me.
Very good.
OK, that's all right then.
I like Alanis.
She's very passionate.
Now then, lunch.
I was given a choice by The Observer.
You can either go to this little sort of hostaria, little side street thing.
Or, Oliver Glowig's new two Michelin starred restaurant.
And which did you choose? Oliver Glowig.
Good.
Oh, no, thank you.
Sorry, I'm OK.
Have a glass of wine.
Come on, we're all going to have a glass of wine.
Yeah, no, I can't.
You on the wagon? I can't, because I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Really? Congratulations.
Yeah.
Wow.
Thank you.
No, erm, that's fantastic.
Thanks.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
How far gone? About three and a half months.
Wow.
So yeah, why? Did you just think I'd gotten fat? Well, I didn't like to say.
Well, you look good.
You look No, you're blooming.
"Blooming" is what you say when you think, "they're packing a few pounds".
I thought you were either pregnant, or Let myself go.
.
.
you're depressed.
And you're eating.
Service.
Grazia.
Grazia.
Pasta's perfect.
Very delicate.
You can tell that's handmade pasta.
You can tell, can't you? It's lovely.
Yeah.
What's the food been like so far in Italy, compared to the food in the Lakes? A lot of pasta.
A lot of pasta.
Yeah.
You can't do the Atkins Diet on this trip.
Well, you are in Italy.
I'm going to channel my inner Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love and get in touch with my love of pasta.
That film was so funny.
Unintentionally funny.
She's this American woman.
Very sophisticated.
Very rich.
She acts like she's never seen a bowl of pasta or pizza in her life.
I was like I know.
And she pitches up in Italy and she wants to have a bath, but there's no hot water in Italy.
Which is absurd.
How's the plumbing been on your trip? I've been very happy with the level of plumbing.
Yeah.
We haven't had any water works issues.
Not with the baths, no, but personally, I'm always troubled.
You're getting to that age, Rob.
Well, I had cystitis for a while.
Not now, Steve.
Not now.
It's not, no, sorry, a long, long time ago.
Very long time.
Long time ago.
Long time ago.
We were going to go to Naples because Shelley lived there, Casanova, but he's put the kybosh on that so now I just wanted a bit of glamour.
In my head I thought we'd get a bit of glamour, a bit of like, you know, Dolce Vita, Anita Ekberg Oh, yeah, in the Trevi Fountain.
.
.
and Marcello, what's his name? Marcello Mastroianni.
Marcello Mastroianni.
He got very cross when I told him I couldn't deliver Anita Ekberg.
He really had one of his fits then.
Do you know, driving along in a TR3 with a cigarette hanging out the corner of his mouth, "Ciao bella.
" Well, the cigarette might fall out if you said that.
We were going to go there, but he doesn't want to.
So instead, we're going to the Amalfi Coast.
Nice.
Pompeii.
Sicily.
Oh, why Sicily? Why Sicily? Yeah.
You're asking me why She doesn't know what it's got to do with Shelley and Byron.
.
.
we go to Sicily, let me tell you.
Nothing is the answer.
It has nothing to do with Shelley and Byron Sicily is the home of the Godfather.
Of course.
We're thinking of going to Sicily, because it's where the Godfather began, you know on Corleone.
I want to have a homage.
Sounds like he's deaf.
A pilgrimage.
I love you very much.
He knows very well I normally like your impressions quite a lot.
That's not his voice.
It's like that? No, I know that's not his voice either.
It's a deaf person.
Well, you show me the voice.
I can't do the voice.
All I know is that that's a deaf person.
You come to me but you don't call me Godfather.
You tell me you do the talk but you don't know the words.
You know, it turns out that when you're doing it That's Jimmy Savile.
What are you doing? "Now then, now then, now then.
" You want to talk about Jimmy Savile? No, let's not bring that up.
He Do you know what he said in his autobiography? Yeah.
yeah, true.
He said He did an interview about Jimmy Savile and it said, "Jimmy's a great guy.
I really admire Jimmy Savile," blah, blah, blah.
Right and when he died, he said, "People said "when he died all this stuff was going to come out and has it?" Oh, Rob.
That's what he said.
And do you know when it came out? About a week after.
A week later.
Oh, no.
A week later.
Did you have no inkling that he was a bit dodgy? Everyone else Exactly.
Everyone else thought, "This guy's fucking weird".
I mean like, "How's about that then?" I met him when I was 18 and he was lovely I thought you were going to say you met him when you were eight.
Everyone else thought he was weird.
He seemed to think he was perfectly normal.
I had an act with a friend.
We were on a radio show and he was the main guest, right? I was about 18, maybe 19.
And he talked to us and he said, "Look at me," he said, "Look at me.
"I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't act.
"I can do fuck all.
So what do I do? I turn up, I smile, I wave.
"The punters say, they look at me, they say, Jimmy's happy, "therefore, so are we.
" And that was his philosophy.
Well the thing is you don't do him like the Well, I don't come from Manchester, do I? Well, neither does he actually.
He's actually from Leeds.
How's about that? Now then.
I used to do him on Spitting Image.
You do - and I'm going to say it publically - you do a fantastic Savile.
It is better than mine.
It is as though you were kindred spirits.
Come on, you can do a Marlon Brando, can't you? Some Brando.
Come on Steve, you can do it.
Let's have a Marlon off.
Come on.
Let's hear your Marlon.
Fine.
Let's even things out now with your Marlon.
Can you put bread in your cheeks? Careful, that's crusty bread.
He finds some of the crustier bread a little difficult these days.
I tend to cut it up for him.
Aww, you have to puree it for him.
Yeah, I cut it up for him, yeah.
It'll be good.
OK, oh, there you go.
Oh, now there you have it.
It's like going to the dentist.
You what? What? It's like going to the dentist.
Say again? You wonder where your tent is.
What? Send re-enforcements.
We're going to send re-enforcements.
We're going to advance.
"Send three and four pence, we're going to a dance?" Thank you very much.
Go on.
You do it and I'm the background bit.
The whole time, you know, I just bite my tongue, you know, and hey, I can be the Godfather.
What is it you're playing, Steve? Mandolin.
Mandolin.
Was it a miniature mandolin? Are they all that size? Are they all that small? They're very small, yeah.
Have you seen a mandolin? Like thisit's like that.
Is this Leonard Rossiter playing the mandolin? Is that who it is? My God.
I think that's quite good.
Don't you? How long have you been playing? Service.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
You've got as a main course, what I had as a starter.
My little envelopes with the mussels inside.
They look like hats, like old priests hats.
They do look like little hats, don't they? They're really cute.
Do you know how they make them that colour? No.
Squid ink.
Grazia.
Really? Squid ink.
Is that quidditch? It's like quidditch, except they use squid ink, instead of flying ball.
Shall we begin? Yes, I think we shall.
Let's let the expectant mother set us off.
OK.
And so she plunges the knife into the John Dory.
"Ouch", says the fish and we're away.
Oh, don't! What is that? Mmm, fantastic.
Mary Shelley, I think, was the most interesting of all of them.
I agree.
I absolutely loved Frankenstein.
She was more successful than her husband.
Yes, she was.
She was way more successful.
Probably why Shelley had so many affairs with so many women.
Probably just jealous of her.
And he slept with her step sister Claire.
Yes, well, talking about Frankenstein, of course, brings to mind my dear friend Sir Kenneth Branagh and his production of Frankenstein with De Niro.
I got a, I got a, I got a bolt in my neck.
I've got to get a bolt.
Got to get the bolt out of my neck.
Got to get this bolt out of my neck.
He's got a big bolt in his neck.
Bloody hell.
That's Look at you bursting.
Robert here's trying to divert you from the fact that he can't do Robert De Niro.
He doesn't know how to do it, speak through the nose like that.
You got to get that sound, talking through his nose like that.
And the whole facial gesture thing, that's all part of it.
Yeah, that's a bit more familiar.
Talk like that, you know.
That's the way he talks.
Hey, Frank, what you got in your neck? You got something in your neck.
What's that sticking out of your neck? I got some bolts in my goddamn fucking neck.
You shut the fuck up or I'll rip your head off, shit down your fucking neck, you stupid bitch sucking mother fucking But that's how He speaks like that.
It was like watching the video.
I don't remember that from Frankenstein.
No, I don't.
Was that on the extras? Do you have to buy the box set to see that? OK.
Mary and Shelley together, they had five kids.
Four of them were lost before he drowned though.
That's why they left Rome, was because William had malaria.
Yeah, and had died.
And yeah, so she was heartbroken.
Well, she was depressed.
He had two kids with his first wife, who, once she died, he was never allowed to see.
In fairness, she committed suicide, because he abandoned her when she was pregnant with the second one.
Well, yes, some say that, because it is a fact.
But none the less, it's still any way you look at it, it's a tragic bloody story, isn't it? Yes, it's awful.
That's the point.
There's been a lot of death on this trip.
Yeah, well, sounds like fun.
I'm glad to know it must have been I don't just mean when Rob's trying to do his routine, you know.
It's mostly that, but not all that, you know.
No.
No, no.
I don't know.
It's just, it must have been horrific having kids in those days.
Grazia senor.
So, photos.
I thought we could go to There's this foreigner's cemetery, where Keats and Shelley are buried.
Oh, yeah.
And it's very nice.
So I just thought we could go there.
You could put me next to Shelley's grave if you want.
I'm not being photographed next to Keats.
No way.
Why not? Why not? He's a bed wetter.
Grazia.
Well, we've come to that time again, it's become something of a tradition on this excursion around Italy, where we ask you to play guess the bill.
And as ever, our contestant tonight is from Pedantry in the north of England.
His name is Steve Coogan.
Steven, here we go and remember, I will have to take your first answer.
Is the amount of the bill, A, six euro? B, nine euro? That's B, nine euro.
or Steven, is it C, 597 euro? And Steven, I will have to take the first answer, so I will.
597.
You've got it Steven.
You've got through.
You've won again.
Congratulations to Steven, to all his family.
They're all coming down.
We'll see you at the same time next week for more of the same.
Thanks for watching.
Good night.
I don't like to win like that.
I like it to be hard.
Well I like to risk failure.
Yeah, I know, but I don't want to see you lose.
I don't want to pick up the pieces when you guess the bill wrong.
No, I like to risk failure, but I never fail.
That's We haven't got time to discuss that now, Steven, have we? That's the crux.
"Go thou to Rome.
At once, paradise, "the grave, the city and the wilderness.
"And where its wrecks like shattered mountains rise, "to flowered weeds and fragrant copses dressed the bones" Why can't you do it in your own voice? Because I think Sir Anthony's voice is the perfect one for the occasion.
".
.
Dress the bones of desolation's nakedness.
Pass" Do you know what it means? No, but I like the sound.
You can tell.
".
.
Pass until the spirit of the spot "guides thy footsteps to slope of green access, where, "like an infant's smile over the dead, "a light of laughing flowers along the grass is spread.
" There's Shelley.
Wow.
"Nothing of him that doth fade, but doth suffer a sea change, "into something rich and strange.
" Defying the physical, isn't it? Transcendent.
Yeah.
It's Trelawny.
And his poetry lives on in a way that "These are two friends whose lives were undivided.
" Trelawny died aged 88.
Shelley was what, 26? So 62 years they were divided and he bought this plot, because he maintained the grave and he bought the boat that sank, that killed Shelley.
So it's a bit rich him burying himself next to him.
He spent his whole life dining out on the fact that he knew Byron and Shelley and claimed to know Keats, which he didn't.
Steve, look at the book.
Good.
OK, now I'm looking away.
I'm thinking.
Uhhuh.
The light here is great.
My favourite film is Roman Holiday.
Oh, yes.
Do you remember, Gregory Peck? Of course.
He had his flat in number 51 Via Margutta.
Yes.
This is Via Margutta.
Seriously? Yeah.
This is it.
Wow.
And do you remember when he took her upstairs? He said No, she said when she got up there - because it was so tiny - she was like, "Is this the elevator?" The elevator, yeah.
Yeah.
I love Audrey Hepburn.
And Ingrid Bergman.
Brilliant actors.
(Keats, Shelley).
La Dolce Vita.
Si.
Well, actually, most people think that Dolce Vita's about the glamour of Rome, but it's about the opposite.
Yeah.
It's about the emptiness of that life.
The superficiality.
Yeah.
Vacuous people.
The term paparazzi comes from the film Dolce Vita.
That's where it came from? Of course, in Roman Holiday, Gregory Peck plays the journalist and his photographer friend is played by Eddie Albert.
Yes, with his Zippo lighter, he had his Zippo.
Which is where the term Eddie Alberto comes from.
Hello? Rob, it's Lucy.
So tell me about, are you still seeing that guy? What's his name? Roberto.
Roberto.
Roberto Brydono.
I'm sorry.
Horrible thought.
Go on.
Hello.
Can you hear me? Yeah.
How are you? Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I've been missing you.
Oh, well, I missed you too.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I've been missing Hugh Grant as well.
Well, yes, of course.
I mean it's a terrible loss.
I think we'll all miss him.
I'm sure that were he here now, he would apologise profusely for his absence and I daresay he would delight at the prospect of dropping anchor once again, in, uhm,in Lucy Cove, if that's not too inopportune, sort of, yeah.
Oh, you laughed, thank God.
It would be lovely to see you again, if you wanted.
Yes, it would, wouldn't it? Yes.
How can we do that? Well, I don't know.
Where are you? Rome.
Ah, I see.
Well, shall I call you again? Yeah.
Would you mind? Is that a good idea? Absolutely, yes.
That would be good.
I'd accept the call.
Definitely.
It's nice to see you.
It was nice to see you too.
Yeah, yeah, you look fantastic.
Thank you.
I think your hair Good, well, I'll call you soon then.
All right, bye, Lucy.
Bye.
Bye.