The Upshaws (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1
[instrumental music playing]
Davis, your car should be on hospice.
Boy, you're crazy. This car is a classic.
It's barely got 190,000 miles on it.
190,000 miles driving your ass around?
Shit, that's car abuse.
- [laughter]
- [Davis fake laughing]
What's so funny when I'm looking
at red tags all over the place?
See, this is why
y'all failed the inspection.
No, we failed the inspection
'cause I couldn't bribe the guy,
not with this big beached whale
flapping and crying all over
Yeah. We get it. I'm fat and I fell.
This shit is still painful.
Look, you can make fun of how pathetic
he looked on your own time.
I want my place up to code.
This is my place, Bennie's Garage.
If it was your place,
we'd be fixing flying broomsticks.
Okay, all right, keep talking.
This place could be
Lucretia's Nail Emporium in a minute.
You'll be in here picking colors.
Look, the guy told us
what to fix and we'll fix it.
We ain't got no problem here.
And, for Davis, we joke,
- but we got love for you too.
- [cell phone ringing]
Bennie's Garage. Yeah, this is him.
What?
You got to be kidding me.
Davis, you suing me, nigga?
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid ♪
What the hell, Davis?
We supposed to be boys.
No, man, this has nothing to do with you.
I'm suing your insurance company.
Mama says it's different,
and she would know.
She's very fiscal.
Your mama needs her ass beat.
This is not how insurance works.
Is it?
Oh, my God,
it's like the dumb leading the dumb.
If he sues our insurance company,
our premiums go up
or they drop us entirely.
Either way, we can't afford it.
This could bankrupt the shop.
That ain't what Mama said.
Say "mama" one more time,
I'mma bust your head with this vice grip.
No. Okay. Hey, man, hey, look, man, hey.
We're all friends here.
Let's not fight over money.
- You could lose your job, Tony.
- Hell no. Why you trippin', Davis? I
- Hey, look
- I hear you.
Leave this Davis shit alone
until I can talk to our lawyer.
- All right, fine. I ain't saying nothing.
- Man
I wonder how many
salon chairs I can get in here.
[instrumental music playing]
Bernard!
Baby, you brought up the wrong box.
I need the other birthday stuff.
This is just your old Janet Jackson wigs.
[Bernard] I know. I'm taking them.
Oh! Mmm!
Ooh, something definitely died in this.
Damn it.
Aaliyah!
- [sighs] What did I do now?
- It's what you didn't do.
I told you last night, girl,
put the clothes in the dryer,
and now they're all mildewy.
Just run it again.
What are we looking for?
Whoever the hell you think you talking to.
Now, you're gonna wash those clothes again
and these tablecloths too.
Roll your eyes at me again
and see what happens.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, Regina, please tell me
you're not trying to recycle
all this for baby girl's birthday.
Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do,
all right? Pennies about to be pinched.
But she's not turning six.
Ah! But in two years, she will be nine.
That's not how a candle works.
And you got me carrying boxes
before I start my shift carrying boxes.
Hey, sometimes the talent chooses you.
He's just tense
'cause he's not getting any.
Uh, you don't know that.
Uh, you live in my building and I know
you come home from dates alone.
Only reason why you know I'm alone
is 'cause you home alone.
You don't know how big my peephole is.
There could be five of us
back there feeling sorry for you.
Now, why don't somebody
want to be with my baby, huh?
Look at this handsome face.
I'm out here.
But no matter how good things are going,
as soon as I tell 'em
I have a daughter, they ghost me.
[clicks tongue] Well, that's just stupid.
- If I was a gay man
- Nope.
I'mma stop you right there
and go lift boxes I get paid to lift.
Bye, nosies. Love y'all.
Aw!
Gay men always seem
so much happier in the movies.
Come on, Regina.
This looks like a hostage sign.
So quit being cheap.
It's not cheap when you actually broke.
Now, I'mma give Maya a great party.
She's my last baby.
All right. So, what have you done so far?
I had Bernard bring up these boxes.
Listen, I've been doing overtime
all week long. Okay?
I only got a couple of days
to get shit together.
Okay, well, let me take
some of it off of you.
You know I know how to throw a party.
Oh, yes. I remember Aaliyah's 7th.
You got drunk and peed your pants
in the bounce house.
I wasn't the first.
[running footsteps]
Mommy! I know what I want
for my birthday, a Switch.
That's new, kids asking for a switch?
It's a game.
If she thinks it's a game,
you're doing it wrong.
Nintendo Switch, Lucretia.
And, sweetie, I'm sorry,
but I'm pretty sure
you're not getting that for your birthday.
But I wanted one forever.
Forever? [scoffs] Child, please.
I wanted a good sports bra
for longer than you've been alive.
[chuckles]
It's gonna be great though. I promise.
Aaliyah, your aunt's leaving you.
- Later, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
Here, take this 20 and get your sister
something for her birthday.
Can't you just slap my name
on whatever you get her?
You ain't gotta
look around again. I get it.
[instrumental music playing]
Our school's too big.
I'll never get used to
the mile-long walk in between classes.
I Damn. I'm dripping everywhere.
I know. I can never
ask a question until after lunch.
Like, how am I supposed to understand
the Crackleberry Tales?
It's Canterbury Tales.
Then I did not do well on that essay.
How does Steph look so perfect and dry?
She came from where we came from.
Is there a tram in this building?
No. Popular girls sweat
on the inside. It's their gift.
Wait, you haven't had gym yet.
Why y'all looking all moist?
High school is an adjustment,
and we ain't adjustin'.
Ain't as hard as y'all making it.
Look, find that one small thing you can do
to up your game. For instance
See? In middle school, I was Kelvin.
In high school,
I'm Cool Mountain Mist Kelvin.
What? This way,
people think I got a man in my life.
They'll think
you are the man in your life.
[scoffing]
- But I do need to step my game up.
- Sup, bro.
[snickers]
[both laughing]
Whatever. At least a boy touched me.
[instrumental music playing]
Bernard?
Shit.
Hey, Hector. How you been, bruh?
Boy, please.
You have been shift-ducking me for a year.
Pfft! Stop it.
[sighs] All right, fine. I just thought,
based on how things ended,
it'd be uncomfortable.
Because after a month of dating,
you pretended I was Postmates
in front of your brother?
I did give you five stars, though.
[laughs sarcastically]
Gonna be a long shift, isn't it?
You know what?
We can just work in silence.
Look, man.
I'm sorry for how things ended, all right?
Obviously, I didn't handle
my coming out well.
But for what it's worth,
I finally told my family.
Even your dad? I didn't see nothing
about him dying on your Instagram.
You still following me?
[smacks lips] Okay, you caught me.
I be lurkin'.
But I'm proud of you. That's big.
Thanks, man.
You want to help me with this package?
Right here? There are people walking by.
What? It is a 77-inch TV, Bernard.
Oh. That package.
- Yes, that package.
- Copy.
[instrumental music playing]
But it was his oil!
Yes!
No!
High school!
Expunged!
Look, man, just save my shop. Bye.
- [grunts]
- Man, what was that about?
Man, that was that lawyer Lucretia hired.
I had to hurry up
'cause they charging by the hour.
I don't know why you bother with lawyers.
You already got one dude shaking you down.
- Just say what you're gonna say, man.
- Bribe the man.
With what?
Start by fixing his car.
It don't need that much work.
It might now. I done did some things.
Well, at least the inside's okay.
You know it's not.
[instrumental music playing]
Hey, Auntie, can I borrow $20?
I don't loan money to unemployed children.
It's not for me. You know how Mom
always buys a gift for Maya
and just slaps me and Dad's name on it?
I want to pick out
something nice for her myself this time.
She is my only sister.
That you know of.
Here's a 20.
- Proud of you.
- Thanks, Auntie.
Hey.
What you doing home so early?
Oh, shit, you got fired.
Of course not.
I just stole a bunch of goodies
from the office for Maya's birthday party.
See, everybody be so worried
about the little prescription pads
[chuckles] But they be slippin'
on the Post-it Notes,
hand wipes and stress balls.
What kid wants
a Mercy General gown and hair cap?
What are they gonna do with paper clips?
Ah!
Necklaces, thank you.
It's an activity and a take-home gift.
Boom.
That is about as ghetto as it gets.
Thank God for me.
- What is all this?
- Party favors that won't get Maya bullied.
Fenty lip gloss, Godiva chocolate?
This is a child's birthday party,
not Oprah's favorite things.
And none of this
goes with my unicorn theme.
Oh, she's over the unicorns.
She's on a princess vibe now.
And you know that how?
Because on the last unicorn party
you threw her, she said,
and I quote,
"I hope this is my last unicorn party."
There it is.
There what is?
You.
[chuckles]
Lucretia's in the building,
running things, taking over.
I mean, well, someone had to save these
kids from your Office Depot extravaganza.
Bringing on the paperclip realness.
And the category is
"Ways you getting on my nerves."
Now back off.
I've got balloons to figure out.
Nothing to figure.
I already went to Balloon Barry's.
He twist them
into animals and celebs. [huffs]
His Drake is uncanny.
- I still need streamers.
- That bag.
- Then I guess I'll get plates and napkins.
- Same bag, under the streamers.
[sighs] Okay, that's fine. That's fine.
As long as I'm getting the cake.
Oops.
Well, strap on your feedbag,
because you the only one eating it.
"Strap on your feed bag"?
The hell is that?
You been around too many white people.
That may be true.
But I'm getting my baby
her favorite cake, Tubby the Whale,
and if you say she don't like
Tubby the Whale, I'mma stab you.
With what? You steal
a letter opener from work too?
Yes.
[instrumental music playing]
Oh, damn.
You guys went in on those repairs.
I'm telling you,
only the best for the best.
We put so many new parts on this car
we damn near gave you a new car.
We even did the inside too.
No more feeling the road on your feet
when you drive, Fred Flintstone.
Oh, damn. Is that a tape player?
You damn right. You know how you get down.
[all laughing]
And that ain't all.
[both] Popcorn!
Garrett's? Oh, man,
that's my shit! [chuckles]
- Oh, man, y'all done did way too much.
- No, man.
- I don't know if I can afford this.
- [sighs]
Here's your bill.
But
You didn't charge me. It's blank.
'Cause friends don't
take money from friends.
- [Bennie muttering]
- Mm-mmm.
Oh, man. I just wish there was something
I could do for you guys.
- Oh
- [clears throat]
I mean, I don't need anything.
Bennie?
[sighs] You could drop that suit.
Wait. Are you trying to bribe me?
It depends
If it's working.
What the hell?
Oh, shit, I should have known.
Mama warned me you might try
and trick me out the suit.
She need to throw herself down
some stairs and get her own lawsuit!
- Hey, man, you better watch your mouth.
- You better watch Damn!
What the hell wrong with you?
You know I can't fight.
- So, this how you treat a friend.
- Because you're not my friend.
What kind of asshole
doesn't drop a suit after popcorn?
That's that cheddar cheese
with thick caramel. That Chicago mix.
Oh, okay. So, this is the real you.
Nah, let's get real.
Not only am I not dropping the suit,
next time you see me,
I'm going to own this whole damn shop.
Oh, come on. Don't say that, man.
- Get your ass out of here.
- Oh, I'm gone.
- Huh.
- [exhales]
Uh As soon as someone give me my keys.
[instrumental music playing]
Hey, Hector, uh,
saw we got another shift together.
Okay, stalker.
No. No, it's not like that.
It's a list in the break room
with all the times,
and if you go, you can
Bernard, chill. I'm joking.
Oh. Okay, cool, 'cause, um
I brought you one of those apple cinnamon
protein bars that we liked.
These ain't the ones
I left at your place, are they?
Nah. I ate those to get over you.
Oh. Well, I hope they didn't work.
I was thinking, uh, maybe we could
get a drink once we're done.
Yeah? I mean
I guess if you thirsty, then we could.
I thought we could celebrate.
Coming out is a big deal,
and it'll give you a chance
to drop any other bombs you got.
No, it's the only news in my life.
Nothing else you need to know about.
[instrumental music playing]
Girl, where did you get those nails?
These beautiful, long,
attention-grabbing nails?
Well, they a little scary,
but I'm here for it.
Hey, Jamie.
You're going to class that way?
I'm going that way.
Anybody got an itch,
holla at your girl Ow!
Careful, girl, I think you cut yourself.
Damn. I'm still getting
the hang of these things.
Be careful, 'cause the school nurse
is way on the other side of the building,
and I don't want my bestie bleeding out.
You smell single. What happened
to your boyfriend body spray?
[scoffs] He fell out
of my backpack on the bus.
I'll bounce back. I just signed up
for the school wrestling team.
Girl, I'm just trying to have
some connection.
[school bell ringing]
No. No.
[sighs wearily]
I'm going to be late to class.
Open, open, open
Ow!
Wait, Aaliyah Upshaw skipping class?
Oh. Hey, Steph. Actually, I was just
We're ditching.
Come to the movies with us.
Me? Oh, hell yeah.
Girl, those nails are fire.
Oh. These old things?
I forgot I got them done.
You know, how it Ow!
[instrumental music playing]
[Lucretia sighs]
Really?
We almost out of birthday juice.
We almost out of food.
These kids eat like their parents
keep them in a damn basement.
Relax. I ordered 200 lemon pepper wings.
I sent Bennie to get them.
- He should be back soon.
- [Bennie] Oh!
You missed me again.
These kids can't shoot for shit.
- Maya ain't got one thug in her class.
- [toy gun fires]
I never seem to plan
for how useless he is.
- Bennie, I told you to go get the wings.
- We on a timeout.
[toy gun fires]
I said we on a timeout, Tyler.
Did y'all see that? That little white boy
done shot me in my back.
Oh, Tyler doesn't have a party hat.
Go get the wings.
Now she telling you what to do.
Yeah, a little bossy Bruno Mars.
I ain't going to get no wings.
Well, no, we really need you to go
and get the wings, baby.
I'm only get the wings 'cause you said.
Hey, this is kind of nice,
us not liking her together.
It's heating up out there.
- How we doing on ice?
- Good.
- You bought an ice cream cake?
- I said I was getting Tubby the Whale.
That's what Tubby is.
[balloons popping]
Can I be off balloon duty?
I keep popping them.
It's 'cause of them stupid nails.
Now, go get
your sister's present, Wolverine.
The nails are the present.
It says "HBD" on the pinky.
Who did you think I'm talking about?
I know you did not use the money
I gave you to get your nails done.
You gave her? She got 20 out of me.
I had to do both hands.
You got to shut this down.
This is how you raise a crackhead.
Wait a minute.
So you didn't get your sister anything?
Of course I did. I'm not a monster.
Maya, come show them
the pretty party shoes I got you.
I love them.
- [Maya falls down]
- [Maya] I'm good!
She'll grow into them.
[instrumental music playing]
I don't think we should put the cake out.
The wings aren't even here yet.
It has to be the right softness.
You don't know Tubby like I do.
I know how the sun works.
Lucretia, I got this. I have a plan.
First, we're gonna do the presents,
then we will have the cake.
Gather 'round everybody.
We're about to do the presents. First!
Go ahead, make your little point.
Just know that one of Tubby's eyes
is slippin'. I'm up here, Tubby.
Ooh, Maya, open mine next.
Oh.
A book.
Maya, this is Born on the Water.
It's all about the history of our people.
- It's a book, Bernard.
- I can't post that.
[chuckles] Well, I can.
I told you to get her the L.O.L. doll.
Baby girl, open Auntie's next.
It doesn't highlight our struggle,
but I think you'll enjoy it.
[gasps] A Switch!
You're the best auntie ever!
[chuckling] Enjoy it.
Uh, excuse me, Best Auntie Ever,
I'd like a word with you over there.
Sure.
Why would you buy her the Switch
when you heard me tell her no?
Come on. I mean, don't you remember
how awful we felt as kids
when we wanted something
and were always told no?
I mean, we weren't even
allowed to ask for shit.
Oh, I do remember, that's why I put
the Switch on layaway for Christmas.
I did not know that.
Because you did not ask.
You never do.
And even if you did, you would
still go and do what you want to do
because it has to be Lucretia's way.
That's ridiculous.
Look, I just happen to have the means.
Oh, mm-mmm.
No, it is not about your means.
It's about you being a control freak.
Even if you were broke like me,
you would still find a way to take over.
Oh, please. And don't ever
refer to me as broke like you.
I don't even want that
out in the universe.
You see, right?
I mean, you are doing it right now.
You are trying to tell me
how to argue with you.
Look, I'm just trying to give Maya
the party that you wanted to give her.
Yes, the party I wanted to give her,
but now you've given her
the gift I wanted to give her.
Isn't the most important thing
that she's happy?
No. She's gotta know that I did it.
Wow. When did you get so needy?
- [Maya] Mommy?
- Baby, not now, Mommy's winning.
It's not needy.
It's just, without the hugs
and the joy
and the, "You're the best mom,"
I am nothing but a damn chef and a maid.
- Mommy.
- I said not now.
- But, Mommy, my cake is melting.
- What
Oh, no, Tubby.
You supposed to be the showstopper.
He certainly stopped the show.
Don't worry, Mom, I got this.
Party's over! Everybody go home.
Hey! No, it ain't. No, it ain't. No.
It's a joke, baby.
We doing something new up in here.
It's called cup of cake.
So, what you do is you grab a cup
and you grab some cake.
Okay? Like this.
Oh, a melted cake.
Uh-uh! It Look. It's a milkshake cake!
It's a melted cake, Mom.
But it's all we got.
That was not how it was supposed to go.
Look at that mess.
Jesus, you had one job, Regina.
Maya, come here.
I gotta tell you something.
That Switch? That was from your mom.
- Really?
- Okay, no, I'm joking. It was from me.
I love you, Aunt Lucretia.
Okay, it does feel good.
I get it now. I get it.
Where's that back-shooting Tyler.
I wants revenge!
Oh, boy, I'm gonna shoot you now.
[instrumental music playing]
- Girl, these kid birthdays wear me out.
- [exhales]
[chuckles] Well, rest up.
You know Bernard's is next month.
Oh, he's out. That's gonna be fun.
[both chuckles]
- Oh, Regina! They know me here.
- Mmm.
What? I'm not spending money on bar wings
when I have perfectly good
party wings in my purse.
Mmm. Sauce mine up.
[Regina] Mmm. Mm-hmm.
You're welcome.
Lucretia?
Frank.
Oh, shit!
[theme music playing]