The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e04 Episode Script

Soon now.
Soon, my pretty one.
Miklos, connect the electrodes.
Ah, beautiful.
Hurry, Miklos.
The storm is almost upon us.
Electrodes attached? Good.
Now the straps.
Magnificent.
Hurry, Miklos.
Raise the lightning arrester.
Come, Miklos.
Miklos turn off the equipment.
Who are you? I don't know.
Then I will tell you.
Your name is James West.
Yes.
And who are you? I am Dr.
Faustina.
You are my- My patient.
And you must follow my instructions exactly.
Do you understand that? I must follow your instructions exactly.
Uh, this is my assistant, Miklos.
You owe your life in part to his efforts.
Thank you.
Miklos is mute.
He cannot speak.
An unfortunate accident.
But he hears, and he is very intelligent.
Can you stand up, Mr.
West? Ah, good, good.
Now will you walk, please? Excellent.
You may stop now.
Tell me, Mr.
West what do you feel? Nothing.
Do you know how you came here? No.
Oh, you were very ill, Mr.
West.
Miklos and I took care of you.
Now you will perform a little task for us.
There is a top-secret meeting being held in the city of New Orleans.
High government officials will be there.
And I would like you to represent me.
Now, I have a feeling you are very strong since your treatments.
Would you show us, please? Miklos, on the table.
Try to lift them.
Oh, splendid.
Splendid.
I'm sure no one will be able to stand in your way.
Uh, you may put them down.
Come.
Come.
Now- Now, listen to me closely.
When you leave here, you will be taken to the city of New Orleans, a few miles away.
You will go directly to the federal government building on Canal Street.
You understand that? I understand.
It is Mardi Gras time, and you will see many strange sights, strange people, but you will pay no attention to them.
You will not be detained.
I will not be detained.
When you reach the federal government building, you will present credentials, and you will be admitted to a meeting of cabinet officers.
Now remember, time is of the utmost importance in your mission.
Time is of the utmost importance.
At 10 p.
m.
you must be at that cabinet meeting.
That is your mission: to be there at exactly 10 p.
m.
And then? And then, Mr.
West you will deliver a message.
You shall tell them.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Lily.
Lily Fortune.
Oh, thank you, fairy godmother.
Oh, what a lovely surprise.
It's been years.
My senior prom, our last date.
You look wonderful.
You know, I never recovered from our last parting.
Ah, the class orator, the silver-tongued speaker.
You haven't changed a bit.
Well, you have.
It doesn't seem possible, but you've grown even more beautiful.
Artemus, you remember mother.
Vividly.
Mrs.
Fortune.
Well, you have no idea what seeing your face does to me.
Mother eh, don't you remember Artemus? Lily, dear, you had so many boyfriends.
Which one are you? The one whose father was arrested for moonshining? Uh, no, the thoughtful, considerate one.
Mother, you're thinking of - Oh, you're right.
I remember you now.
You always needed a haircut.
Lippy too.
Surprised you ever stayed out of jail.
What do you do for a living? Well, I'm a I'm a special agent for the United States government.
How exciting.
Born liar.
As a matter of fact, I'm on vacation right now.
My private train is standing in the railroad yards.
I'd love to show it to you.
Would you, uh, like to come see it now? Oh, I'd- I'd love to see- If Uncle Sam's little helper will stand aside, here's our dessert.
I don't care for any dessert, Mother.
A simple little meal, a five-course dinner.
Thirty-five cents? It's outrageous.
Since dessert is included, we're gonna have some.
I'll take hers too.
Yes, ma'am.
Uh would you like to see that now? I'd be delighted.
Um, go ahead.
And you watch yourself! Oh, Artemus, it's lovely.
Well, it's nothing sensational, but I call it home.
This is all yours? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
I share it with my partner, Jim West.
Oh, if I'm ever a big success, I'm going to have a private car like this.
Success? Why, Lil, what do you do? Outside of driving men wild, I mean.
I'm an actress now.
I'm going to New Orleans soon to star in a play.
Well, I think that's wonderful.
I used to showboat myself.
Why don't you do a little scene with me right now, hm? Say, uh Something from Romeo and Juliet? Oh, I must say, you're a marvelous actress.
Who's acting? You want to dance with Carmen, eh? No, thank you.
You prefer to dance in private? Sometimes.
Oh, then I know a very private place.
I show you.
I must not be detained.
Nobody says no to Carmen, ever! That boorish fool insulted me.
He has no mask or costume.
And you know the punishment decreed by King Neptune for that.
Good night, gentlemen.
I must not be detained.
Halt.
My name is James West.
I'm a special agent.
I must see the Attorney General immediately.
I have a message from the President.
Sergeant of the guard.
So far, so good.
Now comes the crucial moment.
Only three minutes left.
Ooh.
No time to lose.
Now the sergeant is questioning him.
Hurry, you fool.
Hurry.
Our Mr.
West did splendidly.
And our task is done here, Miklos.
Well, Jim West.
What a surprise.
It's all right, sergeant.
This man is well known to me personally.
You'll forgive the security measures.
But with several members of the cabinet in attendance at this meeting we can't be too careful.
I understand, Mr.
Attorney General.
The meeting's right down the hall, Jim.
Should we go? You know, just before you arrived, we were having a very good laugh.
There's a woman in this area.
Very fantastic creature.
She calls herself Dr.
Faustina.
She wants a million dollars from the government for research.
Imagine.
A million for some medical experiments with electricity.
I tell you, we must convince the president that she is insane.
Really? Gentlemen, I have the pleasure of presenting an old friend, Mr.
James West.
Jim, this is the Secretary of the Interior, the Secretary of State, and the Secretary of War.
Mr.
West is our most trusted special agent and he has a message from the president.
All right, Jim.
You wronged Dr Faustina.
You know, she may not show it, but Mother really appreciates your invitation to travel with you.
Oh, it's nothing.
Sherry? Thank you.
You know, I always knew you'd be an important man someday, Artemus.
Oh.
Well I suppose that, uh, talent will show eventually.
This partner of yours- Jim.
Where is he? He's off on vacation.
Same as I am.
Oh.
Um, where were you planning to spend your vacation? Oh, no place in particular.
I was just going to go rambling around.
Oh.
Oh, I think now I may come down and see you in that play.
Um would you like to rehearse that love scene just once more? That may be Mother now.
No, no, no.
It's just Henrietta.
Who's Henrietta? Come on.
Henrietta, meet Lil.
Now, then.
Good girl, Henrietta.
Aren't you gonna see what it says? Well, what for? It's probably just from the president.
The pre- May I? Of course.
Who is it from? The president.
Mm.
"Your leave hereby canceled.
Proceed at once to New Orleans.
Ulysses S.
Grant.
" New Orleans! There isn't a word in the newspaper about any blast.
I think the whole thing is a hoax.
Mrs.
Fortune, that kind of information the government would prefer to keep quiet for a while.
You mean four cabinet members getting killed wouldn't make big headlines? It will after we find out how and why it happened.
Uh, what fantastic costumes.
Heh.
Blackbeard the pirate.
Artemus Gordon? Yes.
I am your contact.
I have full instructions from Washington.
You are to come with me.
I'm ready.
Oh, no you're not.
You look much too respectable.
You get some pretty rough treatment from that crowd outside.
Here is your mask.
Uh would you ladies please excuse me? If you'll take care of that for me, I'll come back and pick it up later at your hotel.
Uh, Mrs.
Fortune.
Ladies.
You'll never make me believe that's a government man.
Uh.
What about Jim? Will he be working on this case with me? I'll get to that later.
Ah, how much do you know so far? Only what I read in the president's telegram.
Blast, four cabinet members dead.
We've tried to keep it as quiet as possible.
There's enough rioting going on as is.
No telling how these crowds will react to this.
Now, before we release the news, we want to get a complete explanation.
We're counting on you to give us this.
Why, I appreciate the honor, but why me? I'm on a well-earned vacation.
You've got other agents.
Yes, of course we have.
But, uh, you knew West better than anyone else.
What do you mean knew? He isn't dead.
I don't believe it.
I won't believe it until I've seen the body.
That will take a good deal of looking, I'm afraid.
Unfortunately, he's spread pretty thinly over the wreckage.
The other bodies were at least identifiable, but there was no trace left of West.
This is why we're so sure that, that he was carrying the bomb.
Look, Mr.
Gordon I know you liked West, but you must accept the fact of his death.
Just, uh Just tell me exactly what happened from the time Jim got here.
West was recognized by three of the guard and by the late Attorney General, who personally escorted him into the conference room where the blast occurred.
Yeah, but then he got out.
The guard outside the conference room lived long enough to tell us that no one got out.
You should have seen the inside of the room.
There was only the one door, and all the windows were barred.
It was a maximum-security room.
West is dead.
Are you trying to tell me that he deliberately blew himself up to get four high government officials? Ahh! I mean, hardly the sort of thing you do by accident.
The work of a traitor? You knew him.
Tell us why.
There is no why, Mr.
Peters.
He didn't do it! And I'll prove he didn't do it! Even if it kills me.
Ah, Miklos.
Ooh, you have brought me another subject.
Splendid.
I- I don't suppose he's alive.
Oh, well.
But he is a fine specimen.
Where did you find him, Miklos? The scars of manacles.
The man was a prisoner.
How did he die? He- He was hanged? Then I presume his crime was murder.
He- He killed a woman? Oh, how interesting.
Murderers always make such good subjects.
Their hearts are in the right place, so to speak.
Hm.
Eh, his neck is broken, of course.
But we can remedy that.
Tell me, Miklos what else do you know about him? Did he have any relatives? Any close friends nearby? Good.
Hm.
Yes, he is quite muscular.
After some of our treatments, his strength should be very impressive.
Uh, how long has he been dead? Only four hours? Good.
Then let us prepare at once for the necessary surgery.
Ooh, yes, he has a large chest cavity.
Ideal for our purpose.
He should be able to accommodate an even larger bomb than our last subject.
After such a humble end as hanging he should welcome the chance to go out with a bang.
Ha-ha.
Oh! Hot work, being a princess.
Any luck? No, not yet.
Hard work, reconstructing your friend's trail in this madhouse, isn't it? Like trying to find the needle in that haystack while it's going through a threshing machine.
Alors, mes amis.
A beautiful princess.
Mwah.
Let us elope with her! Oh! Hey! Artie! Sir Sir.
Sir- Sir, I appreciate the nature- Hey, hey, hey, come on.
Oh, gentlemen, come on, this is silly.
Throw him over the rail.
Hey.
No! No, no- Hyah! All right, you.
You better talk quick.
What do you know about this? You were looking for Jim West.
We were to stop you.
What do you know about him? Nothing.
I swear, nothing.
Who can tell me? The carriage driver on St.
Peter Street.
The one in the suit of armor.
Please.
I've got my lead.
Come on.
Ah, there, my noble friend, don't talk.
Look straight ahead.
Can you feel that? That's a small derringer, which makes a very large hole, and it means I'm in no mood for quibbling.
Did you have a passenger named James West? Can you take me to the place he came from? Now, suppose you do that right now.
One mistake and I'll put a hole in that tin can you're wearing.
Are we clear? Really, Mr.
Gordon you are a very persistent man.
So this is how you did it.
Somehow you got West out here and drugged him so that he'd follow orders.
Then you strapped a bomb onto him and hauled him back into town.
You are a very brilliant man, Mr.
Gordon but I'm afraid you can't keep a secret.
Now Well, what's that for? Oh, just to keep you quiet for a while.
I can do that without help.
I doubt it.
You see, I want to cover your face with soft clay.
And, uh, there's a tendency to thrash about especially when the breathing is cut off.
Cover my face with clay? Why? To make a mask of you, of course.
It's a little oddity of mine.
I like to have a memento of my- My guests.
Save the needle.
I'll hold still.
But Mr.
Gordon the clay takes at least two minutes to set.
I once won a medal in a breath-holding contest.
Well I suppose you can try.
Now Now take a good, deep breath, Mr.
Gordon.
There.
Oh, you are doing magnificently, Mr.
Gordon.
Yes, Miklos, what is it? I asked not to be disturbed.
Oh, Miklos.
Miklos.
A letter from the president of the United States.
The moment we have waited for.
Oh, I'm so excited.
"And so, dear madam, "I urge you strongly not to bother me again "with your impossible requests.
"There can be no federal funds for such bizarre experiments as you have described.
" There's more here.
He even goes on to suggest that we may be lunatics.
We, who are the greatest scientists of this dark age.
Oh, no, no, no, no, my poor Miklos.
Please.
He is stupid.
And he should be made to pay for his stupidity.
But of course! Yes! If the president were blown up then someone with a brain might assume his office.
And it will be so easy to arrange.
Mr.
Gordon will help us.
Oh, yes.
Mr.
Gordon.
You are still with us, Mr.
Gordon.
Splendid.
You are going to help us kill the president.
Artemus? Artemus? Mother, do you have a hairpin? Lily, don't be ridiculous.
You just can't go on doing this- Well! Don't take my hair with you! Where did you learn to do that?! At that expensive girls' college you sent me to.
Artemus? Lily, you can't chase after a man like this.
It- It's not decent.
Oh, Mother, would you mind coming in out of the 18th century? Artemus is missing.
I've got to find him.
Well! I wouldn't chase after a man.
That's why you've been a widow for 20 years.
Yeah.
Well, if you ask me, he's probably just run off to chase after another pretty ankle.
I told you way back in high school he was an undependable sort.
And you told me that Lincoln would never be president.
Now, just a minute- All right, all right, all right.
Remember, I'm your mother.
This is- I'm terribly sorry to frighten you, Mrs.
Fortune, Miss Fortune.
You know us? We met in the restaurant.
Not formally.
Mr.
Gordon gave me your names.
Blackbeard the pirate.
Lyle Peters, ma'am.
Oh.
May I ask what you're doing here? We're looking for Artemus.
Do you know where he is? I'm sorry to say we do not.
He was to meet me here early this morning and give me his report.
I've had this place under surveillance for several hours.
Now, just a moment.
How do we know that you're really what you pretend to be? Oh, ho-ho.
Oh, I beg your pardon for doubting you.
It's perfectly all right, madam.
It was most astute of you to demand some sort of proof.
Oh, it was nothing at all.
It's just that- Oh.
Then it's true that Artemus Gordon is really a special agent? One of our finest.
And we're most concerned about his disappearance.
Can you help us? Uh, well- Artemus and I were at a costume ball in the French Quarter last night, and three men dressed as musketeers attacked him.
Somebody took a- A handkerchief with chloroform and put it over my face, and when I awoke Artemus was gone.
Miklos.
Miklos, a fine storm is approaching.
We must make use of it.
Uh, how soon can you have the equipment ready? Five minutes? Good.
Ooh, I'm so anxious to see our Mr.
Gordon in action.
Jim! Well, you don't look very dead.
I'm not even sick.
What are you doing here? Letting you out.
No, I mean how did you get here? A few days ago I was enjoying the Mardi Gras, someone slipped me a Mickey, I ended up here.
Completely logical.
Let's go.
Miklos, the straps.
Beautiful! It's a perfect night for us! Hurry, Miklos.
The lightning arrester.
Good.
The process is beginning.
Come.
That's me.
Who are you? I don't know.
Then I will tell you.
Your name is Artemus Gordon.
My name is Artemus Gordon.
Yes.
Mr.
Gordon you owe your life to us, and you must do exactly as we say.
Do you understand? I must do exactly as you say.
Now listen to me closely.
The president has arrived in New Orleans to hear reports about an unfortunate accident.
You will find him in the federal government building on Canal street.
Now time is of the utmost importance.
You must be with the president at 10:00.
Kill him! Kill him! Kill him.
Kill him, do you hear me? What are you doing? You are destroying everything! You were gonna kill him! Kill him! Go! Go to the president, do you hear me? Go! Miklos, let us escape! Uh, thank heaven the Mardi Gras is over.
I don't think I could have stood one more night of that.
How was your rehearsal? Awful.
How could I concentrate on that silly play while Artemus is still missing? Heh.
Well, look! There he is now! Artemus! I was so worried.
What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that? I don't know you.
Well, I know you, you beast.
Oh, no, you don't! Hey! Hey! Hey! You can't get away with that! Mother! Are you all right? I- I told you way back in high school that boy was some sort of a maniac! Get me out of here! Will you get me out of here? We don't have much time.
Still got a chance.
I hate to bring this up, but if we catch up to that walking bomb what do we do with it? I'm working on that problem.
If you come up with an answer, let me know.
I must say, I'm surprised to see you again, Artemus.
We were getting rather worried about you.
I'm all right.
Have you had a chance to let Miss Fortune know that you're safe? She was moving heaven and earth to find you.
Miss Fortune? She means nothing to me.
Ha! You certainly are the gay dog where the ladies are concerned.
Halt.
Show your credentials.
Surely you know me by this time.
I'll vouch for this gentleman.
He's with me.
Sorry, sir, my orders are to admit no one without credentials.
Well, don't be ridiculous.
This man is a special agent.
He has a message for the president.
Sorry, I've got orders.
You'll have to clear it with the sergeant of the guard.
Oh.
Be simpler than standing here and arguing.
Wait a moment, Artemus.
I'll get your clearance.
Hurry.
I must be with the president by 10:00.
Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Lily, you were magnificent! Ha-ha! Another Sarah Bernhardt.
Oh.
Thank you.
You're both darlings.
Where's mother? Uh, gone but not forgotten.
She, uh She left this note.
Gone? Mm-hm.
"I have eloped with Mr.
Peters.
" But- But he's much too young for her.
Love conquers all.
Uh, speaking of love, Lil- Eloped? I can't believe it.
That's wonderful.
Uh, speaking of love- That's marvelous! Let's celebrate! Let's.
Um speaking of love, Lil, I- What Artemus wants to say is will you marry him? Oh, Artie, you darling! I love you dearly.
But no.
I- I-I couldn't live your kind of life.
You'd- You'd always be disappearing or- Or exploding.
And I'd never know if I was kissing you or some bomb.
Well, try me.
See what I mean?