The Windsors (2016) s02e04 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 4
1 As a gypsy, I enjoyed nothing more than tracking hedgehogs.
But that was to eat.
If people found out that we kept him locked in an attic, they'd think we were all insane.
- Which we're not.
- I'm sorry, Pippa, but you knew I was a psychopath when you agreed to marry me.
We're not absolute shite.
- That's deep enough, Edward.
- Oh, thank goodness.
The old sciatic is playing up.
- Just get the box.
- Righto.
Just wondering, you will still be backing my musical about the Queen's worst ever year? Anus.
You do know "Annus" is spelled with two Ns? Is it? Well, I've had them printed now.
Right.
Put this in a box.
- What is it? - A new Magna Carta.
Just bury it.
If you ever mention this to a living soul, I'll bury you.
In several different locations.
Why didn't we go to a restaurant for lunch? Oh, restaurants are so expensive.
And all that really matters is I'm spending time with my sister.
- You just can't enjoy yourself, can you? - Actually, I can.
Wills and I are about to enjoy a luxurious spa weekend in Poundbury.
Prince Charles' sustainable toy town? Yeah, do you want to come? I'd rather shit a porcupine.
Everyone knows Poundbury's a joke.
- Why don't you go somewhere fun? - Oh, as long as Wills and I are together, I don't care where we are.
You think your relationship's better than mine, don't you? - Just cos you married a prince.
- No, I Well, Johnny's got billions.
Not millions, billions.
- Did somebody order lunch? - Johnny! - Pippa Why are you dressed as a pizza delivery man? Didn't you get my text? I went long on the building sector.
I've lost everything.
I'm ruined.
Ruined? Anyway, that's £12 70.
- I'll get it.
- Shut up! Come on, we're going home.
It'll have to be a backy.
Welcome to Poundbury, in the heart of Dorset.
No, you've not gone through a time portal.
This is the 21st century.
Here, the old world mixes with the new.
The web designer queues for his bus with the mediaeval inquisitor .
.
and the ploughman shares his ploughman's luncheon with the astronaut.
And everyone gets along famously.
So, come to Poundbury, where we put the social back into social engineering.
Some boys dream of playing football for England, or marrying a beautiful woman.
But not me.
My dream was to always build a mixed-use residential suburb on the outskirts of Dorchester.
I'd now like to unveil this statue of a Great Briton, probably Rapidly the greatest Briton of them all, who went on to unite the nation with his rousing oratory, great wit, and sheer bloody leadership.
Mm I'd now like to invite the entire team behind this wonderful town, Dorset men through and through, to enter the Duchess of Cornwall.
- Well, that's another royal duty ticked off.
- Two, one each.
That's a bit weird.
Yah! Come on, let's find the spa.
Pippa! I was just passing.
Thought I'd drop this book up for you.
Oh, wow! I love this series.
And I'm getting really good at staying inside the lines.
How are things going with you and Meghan, by the way? - Not good.
- Oh, yes? I think I love her too much.
She works so hard, but I'm just a prince who's had everything on a plate.
Sooner or later, she's going to realise I do literally nothing.
I'm going to have to get a proper job.
So, no plans on dumping her, then? Pippa! Ha-ha! What are you doing?! It's not 1975! In here it is! Bye, Harry.
And if you ever touch my arse again, you'll be picking up your horsey teeth with a broken arm.
I like her.
Uncle Andrew, you're a royal who's made his own way in business.
I should say so.
The way I got the son-in-law, the president of Kazakhstan, to buy my house for £3 million over the asking price.
Hang on, you're not wearing a wire, are you? But what happens in Kazakhstan stays in Kazakhstan.
Great people to deal with.
They're the only people who haven't realised our Royal Family's completely irrelevant.
- Apart from the people who make the crown.
- Good point.
- Now, listen, do you think there's any way I could work for you? That's why I'm here.
I've got a big deal coming up, and you are vital to its success.
I can offer a very attractive package.
How does unpaid intern sound? Wow! You won't regret it.
I always thought you'd be just the bloke to guide me.
Well, I'm a tremendously moral person.
- Mummy! - Oh, hello, girls.
A bit up against it, actually.
I've got to get my memoirs finished by Monday.
But you've already written two memoirs in the last five years.
But so much has happened since then.
Like what? Well, for a start, Penguin offered me 200 grand for another lot.
But you've used all the good stuff up.
The self-loathing, the comfort eating, the positive thinking.
I know! Oh, God, I've been a bloody fool, haven't I? When will I learn? Right, we're going to help you write this memoir.
Only this time, we're going to peel back the layers, and find the real Fergie.
But that's what it says on the cover of the first one.
- Oh.
- Well, how about this time, we pull back the curtain to find the real, real truth, behind the real, real, real Fergie.
Well, that's easy to say.
Well, how are you going to do it? We're going to get you drunk and ask you some questions.
Well, where is it? I don't think your dad would've built a town without a five star luxury spa and gym, do you? No, he wouldn't do that.
The electricity went off again last night.
But I'm just happy to help Prince Charles fulfil his vision.
Yeah, my bog's still not right.
- Won't flush.
- Worth it to know that your water's being pumped by a replica 17th-century windmill.
Yeah, and who wants a functioning toilet - when you've got a nice statue of Prince Charles? - Yeah.
There's something not right about this place.
Yah.
I don't think there is a spa.
I need to find Dad.
Will you be OK on your own? Yeah, of course.
You go.
Business, dearie? No, I'm fine, thank you.
I've just done the maths.
I'll never get £2 billion being a pizza delivery man.
Oh, pull yourselves together! That's the worst thing you can say to a depressed person! All right, then.
Cheer up? I'm going to have to sell everything.
Shut up and have a drink.
Or you're going to have to get a job.
What?! Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
- Hi, Uncle Andy.
- Ah-ah! We are in a work relationship now, and at work you will refer to me as Randy Andy.
Gosh, I'm learning so much.
So, is this where you work, then? What are you wearing? Here.
Go and put this on.
It's what real businessmen wear.
Righto.
And thanks for giving me this opportunity, Randy Andy.
Let's go to work! Always punch from the hip.
And don't be afraid to bite their ears in the clinch hit.
Kate Middleton! I recognise that sledgehammer right anywhere! Gypsy Ricky! It's been over ten years.
- What have you been up to? - Set up as a student, what about you? Well, I met Prince William at university, then we got married, and eventually I'll be Queen.
- You're THAT Kate Middleton? - Yah, didn't you see? It was in all the newspapers.
Well, I've heard of the name, but I get all my news off social media.
What with all of the algorithms, it feeds me what I want to see, which is mainly boxing and naked ladies.
I'm in an echo chamber.
Well, I'll send you some wedding photos.
Right you are.
But how did you manage it? I did a fashion show in my bra and pants, and he came over and started chatting.
No, I mean how did you get married? When you're still married to me? Oh, hello! What are you two chatting about? Camilla, what are you doing here? You can't drink as much as I do and stay this thin without putting a little bit of work in.
- Aren't you going to introduce us? - This is Gypsy Ricky.
- He's an old friend of mine.
- A little bit more than a friend.
- Oh, yes? - I'm sure Camilla wants to go and warm up now.
Oh, no rush.
A little bit more than a friend, you say? That's right.
Kate and me We be married.
Not really.
We jumped the broom at a traditional grabbing ritual.
But I've divorced him now by saying "I divorce you" three times.
Oh, but the divorce is only binding if a gypsy notary from the original county at the broom jumping is also present.
So as I say, we still be married.
Papa.
Ah, there you are.
This is going to be phase two, Poundbury.
These mud huts are centred around a little Waitrose.
Dad, I've been having a little look around the town.
- Brilliant, isn't it? - No, it's not.
Everything's made out of polystyrene and no-one can park their car outside their house.
Well, that's fully intentional.
The landscape parking areas are far away from the residential zones.
- What if they have to bring a washing machine home? - They won't need to.
What's wrong with a bit of elbow grease and a mangle? That's all right for you to say.
You've never washed a pair of gunties in your life.
You're more interested in putting up statues of yourself than fixing someone's boiler.
Who's had a boiler installed? Don't you care that people don't have heat and electricity? Most of Buckingham Palace doesn't have heat and electricity.
You can't let people live like this.
It's not Britain in the 19th century, or the Isle of Wight now.
If you're not going to change things in this town, I will.
Who's had a boiler installed? 'By now you will all have heard that my first marriage to Gypsy Ricky, 'renders my marriage to Prince William null and void.
'I therefore renounce all royal privileges, 'and intend to resume my career of tarmacking drives.
' Kate! I've been looking for you everywhere.
You finally won, Camilla.
I'm leaving the royal family.
What are you talking about? I see.
You're not fooling me this time.
You just want to announce it to the press yourself.
I would never do that.
You see, like you, I once made a mistake.
I was just a girl, and I was madly in love with Charles.
But then he had to go on naval manoeuvres, and I fell under the spell of another gentleman.
Well, I say gentleman, it was the Argentine polo team.
By the time Charles returned, I was considered damaged goods.
Charles was told he couldn't marry me.
Gosh, you really were up for anything.
It's in the past.
But I didn't want the same mistake to ruin you.
But what shall I tell Wills? If he asks you, are you married to a boxing gypsy called Ricky, by all means tell him.
Otherwise, say nothing.
That's it, mummy.
Just one more Harvey Wallbanger.
She's ready.
OK, Mummy, I'm going to take you back, when was your most exciting time? The 1980s.
And where are you? I'm with John Travolta, and there's foam everywhere.
That sounds interesting.
Stuart Hall keeps trying to interview me.
Now she's remembering It's A Royal Knockout again.
OK, Mummy, go somewhere else.
I'm at Clarence House.
And there's a man there.
I can't quite make him out.
Fergie.
Hello, Charles, I was just looking for Andy.
He's outside cutting the break cables on the Foreign Secretary's car.
- It's a practical joke.
- He so funny.
So he won't do that for some time.
Oh, Fergie, we've denied ourselves for too long.
The dam is about to burst.
In fact, a bit's trickling out now.
But I love Andy.
We both do.
Although if I find him tremendously irritating.
Now show the future king your freckly bangers.
No, these freckly bangers are for Andy's eyes only, and anyone who happens to be at next week's Level 42 gig.
- Mmmm.
- Charles, we mustn't! OMG, he Poldarked her! If we put this in Mummy's book, she'll make millions.
We can't, it will destroy the royal family.
They deserve it, they ruined Mummy's life.
If it wasn't for them, she'd probably be a quite good hotel receptionist by now.
Oh, Charlie.
I've got to be honest, Randy Andy, I'm not sure this is the sort of professional look that's going to impress Meghan.
What is this, Harry, I thought you were a team player.
Sorry, I just got a bit confused why I had to dress as a 1980s prostitute.
Ah, let me explain.
You see that gentleman over there? He's interested in buying 30 Typhoon jets.
He's always been a big fan of the British Royal Family, and particularly you, as well as the film Pretty Woman.
Ah, so he wants to take me out shopping and give me a makeover? Well, it's actually much simpler than that.
What he wants is for you to go over there and sit on his lap, to start with.
No, no, no, I don't think I'm up for that.
This is important, Harry.
British jobs are at stake.
And, not that it matters, I'm in for 2%.
OK.
I'll do it.
All right, mate.
I would be honoured if you would accept these three tins of tuna.
And I want you to have this, a humble packet of spaghetti.
What are you doing? Well, it's Prince Charles Day, isn't it? Like it is every Saturday.
Listen to me.
All of you.
You shouldn't have to pay homage to my dad like this.
He isn't fulfilling the basic legal requirements of a landlord.
Terry, has he fixed your bog yet? No, he just keeps going, "It is done.
" That's just it, he needs to send a bloke right.
This whole town is a vanity project.
Everywhere's called Prince Charles Street or Prince Charles Avenue, that's why you keep getting lost.
- Yeah, there's too many architectural styles.
- Exactly.
One minute you're in the 15th century Siena, the next, 19th century northern Germany.
You can't be expected to live like this! And this statue here today is about the eighth one he's put up.
Plus, I don't like having to speak with this West Country accent.
Then rise up.
Take back control.
The time has come to form your own Resident's Association.
A Resident's Association will be a liberation Where grievances are settled by a form of arbitration So all the toilets function And we work on the assumption That if required, a plumber arrives within four hours! I have seen pretty woman, but have you seen Batman Versus Superman? It's awesome.
They've kept the darkness of the Batman character, but he's up against Superman.
Harry? What the hell's going on? Poppa, what are you doing here? I still track your iPhone.
Sentimental, I suppose.
Can this wait five minutes? I see, you're exploiting Harry.
He's a grown man, he can make his own mind up.
You know full well he can't.
I'm just trying to show the woman I love that I can make it in the real world.
Exactly.
Now, run along.
I warned you.
- Wow.
- Come on, Harry.
Sorry, Randy Andy.
Sorry, Igor.
Agh.
Haven't been hit like that without paying for it since the Navy.
Ah.
So, you see, Ricky, I've made a life for myself now.
I'm a happily married woman with two small children.
You and I, we're just so different.
I don't care.
You're my wife.
If you wanted me to be your wife so much, why did you sell me at a fair? I wanted a drink.
And you've made absolutely no effort to try to track me down.
That's not true, I looked online.
But, I couldn't find my way around Ask Jeeves.
I'm one of the most famous woman in the world.
You've got quite full of yourself these last few years, ain't ya? That's why you need a good long stint living in a lay-by.
No, OK? enough.
People change, Ricky.
I've changed.
I'm going to be the queen.
No, you're not.
You're going to be my misses and come to vintage car rallies with me in the Cortina.
Look.
And if you don't agree, I'm going straight to the Huffington Post which I can get now cos I started using AOL.
Where are you going? Will! Will! What? I can't hear you! I need to speak to you about the legality of our marriage.
I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a revolution, talk later.
'Perhaps I should have stopped.
I need to talk to someone.
'Is leading a revolt against my father even the right thing to do?' It is not.
Your father is going to be king.
- Charles I.
- That's right.
I've had a type of spaniel named after me.
Yeah, but on the other hand, you provoked civil war.
I don't care.
The point is, kings are always right.
Even if they won't fix someone's bog? Especially if they won't fix someone's bog.
No, Charles I, people need bogs.
Well, thanks for the lift.
Are things still good with you and Meghan? Actually, I had a phone call from her earlier and we broke up.
What? Oh, Harry, come here.
Well, I say broke up.
I mean, the signal broke up.
Had to say "I love you" on the landline.
Right.
Mummy, it's finished! And Charles Poldarking you is going to be dynamite.
Thanks, girls.
But I've just been watching an old episode of Oprah and I think I might be suffering from false memory syndrome.
So you're saying Charles didn't Poldark you? Sorry, girls.
What am I going to do? If I don't hand a memoir in, I'll have to give the money back.
Sorry, Mummy, did you say false memory syndrome? Yes, why? And did you ever meet Michael Jackson, who's now dead and can't sue? No.
Oh, actually I did and he Poldarked me on his fairground while his monkey was watching.
Slow down.
Ker-ching! Dear, Johnny, I'm leaving you.
I don't love you and never have.
I only agreed to marry you as you had £2 billion, and now that you've lost it all, I see things more clearly.
Soz, Pips.
Johnny! Pippa! Great news, I just got all my money back.
What? How? Some mates rallied round and I lead a hostile takeover of the pizza delivery company.
So you'll get all your money back? Yes, and more once I strip the pension fund.
Fancy coming out to the club to celebrate? Um, just got to get something.
Such a shame your house burnt down.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll have it rebuilt.
Didn't like the wallpaper, anyway.
They're tearing down my statue and hitting it with slippers! - Dad! - What do you want? I'm with the townspeople to demand the establishment of a Residents Association to take over the running of Poundbury! And I demand your removal as leader! But Poundbury's my dream! It's the only thing I've ever achieved.
It's no use turning on the waterworks, Father, the people have spoken.
Well, hold on.
I mean, maybe he could stay on as a sort of nominal leader.
No, you need a clean break to decide things for yourself.
- But he does bring in a lot of tourists.
- Yeah.
And He's someone to look up to, you know, cos he's better than us.
- He's not better than you.
- And he's a stabilising influence.
Yeah, and sometimes we don't know what we want and we lash out cos the world's changing and we're frightened.
Yes, I'd be so sort of ceremonial head of Poundbury.
Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
In that scenario, I suppose all the statues would go back up.
- Oh, yeah.
- Even a ceremonial head will require some sort of income.
You're one of the richest men in the country.
- Thmmm.
- Oh, yeah, you'll have to be paid.
Then I accept.
Camilla.
This is unexpected.
I just thought I'd set your mind at rest about Gypsy Ricky.
- Yes? - I sorted out the problem.
You're free.
Well, that's wonderful, but how? - Wills.
- Kate.
- Camilla.
- Wills.
- Kate.
- How was the revolution? Well, they're going to keep Dad on as a sort of ceremonial head and use a maintenance company to fix the bogs.
I was just about to say to Camilla how I think we've misunderstood each other all these years.
Yes.
Perhaps we have.
I think I've got the gist, you social-climber sixth former.
'And more on that story about the original Magna Carta document 'being found this morning in Runnymede.
'Experts have just authenticated it and it suggests the United Kingdom 'should not be ruled by the prime minister, 'but by the Royal Family.
'
But that was to eat.
If people found out that we kept him locked in an attic, they'd think we were all insane.
- Which we're not.
- I'm sorry, Pippa, but you knew I was a psychopath when you agreed to marry me.
We're not absolute shite.
- That's deep enough, Edward.
- Oh, thank goodness.
The old sciatic is playing up.
- Just get the box.
- Righto.
Just wondering, you will still be backing my musical about the Queen's worst ever year? Anus.
You do know "Annus" is spelled with two Ns? Is it? Well, I've had them printed now.
Right.
Put this in a box.
- What is it? - A new Magna Carta.
Just bury it.
If you ever mention this to a living soul, I'll bury you.
In several different locations.
Why didn't we go to a restaurant for lunch? Oh, restaurants are so expensive.
And all that really matters is I'm spending time with my sister.
- You just can't enjoy yourself, can you? - Actually, I can.
Wills and I are about to enjoy a luxurious spa weekend in Poundbury.
Prince Charles' sustainable toy town? Yeah, do you want to come? I'd rather shit a porcupine.
Everyone knows Poundbury's a joke.
- Why don't you go somewhere fun? - Oh, as long as Wills and I are together, I don't care where we are.
You think your relationship's better than mine, don't you? - Just cos you married a prince.
- No, I Well, Johnny's got billions.
Not millions, billions.
- Did somebody order lunch? - Johnny! - Pippa Why are you dressed as a pizza delivery man? Didn't you get my text? I went long on the building sector.
I've lost everything.
I'm ruined.
Ruined? Anyway, that's £12 70.
- I'll get it.
- Shut up! Come on, we're going home.
It'll have to be a backy.
Welcome to Poundbury, in the heart of Dorset.
No, you've not gone through a time portal.
This is the 21st century.
Here, the old world mixes with the new.
The web designer queues for his bus with the mediaeval inquisitor .
.
and the ploughman shares his ploughman's luncheon with the astronaut.
And everyone gets along famously.
So, come to Poundbury, where we put the social back into social engineering.
Some boys dream of playing football for England, or marrying a beautiful woman.
But not me.
My dream was to always build a mixed-use residential suburb on the outskirts of Dorchester.
I'd now like to unveil this statue of a Great Briton, probably Rapidly the greatest Briton of them all, who went on to unite the nation with his rousing oratory, great wit, and sheer bloody leadership.
Mm I'd now like to invite the entire team behind this wonderful town, Dorset men through and through, to enter the Duchess of Cornwall.
- Well, that's another royal duty ticked off.
- Two, one each.
That's a bit weird.
Yah! Come on, let's find the spa.
Pippa! I was just passing.
Thought I'd drop this book up for you.
Oh, wow! I love this series.
And I'm getting really good at staying inside the lines.
How are things going with you and Meghan, by the way? - Not good.
- Oh, yes? I think I love her too much.
She works so hard, but I'm just a prince who's had everything on a plate.
Sooner or later, she's going to realise I do literally nothing.
I'm going to have to get a proper job.
So, no plans on dumping her, then? Pippa! Ha-ha! What are you doing?! It's not 1975! In here it is! Bye, Harry.
And if you ever touch my arse again, you'll be picking up your horsey teeth with a broken arm.
I like her.
Uncle Andrew, you're a royal who's made his own way in business.
I should say so.
The way I got the son-in-law, the president of Kazakhstan, to buy my house for £3 million over the asking price.
Hang on, you're not wearing a wire, are you? But what happens in Kazakhstan stays in Kazakhstan.
Great people to deal with.
They're the only people who haven't realised our Royal Family's completely irrelevant.
- Apart from the people who make the crown.
- Good point.
- Now, listen, do you think there's any way I could work for you? That's why I'm here.
I've got a big deal coming up, and you are vital to its success.
I can offer a very attractive package.
How does unpaid intern sound? Wow! You won't regret it.
I always thought you'd be just the bloke to guide me.
Well, I'm a tremendously moral person.
- Mummy! - Oh, hello, girls.
A bit up against it, actually.
I've got to get my memoirs finished by Monday.
But you've already written two memoirs in the last five years.
But so much has happened since then.
Like what? Well, for a start, Penguin offered me 200 grand for another lot.
But you've used all the good stuff up.
The self-loathing, the comfort eating, the positive thinking.
I know! Oh, God, I've been a bloody fool, haven't I? When will I learn? Right, we're going to help you write this memoir.
Only this time, we're going to peel back the layers, and find the real Fergie.
But that's what it says on the cover of the first one.
- Oh.
- Well, how about this time, we pull back the curtain to find the real, real truth, behind the real, real, real Fergie.
Well, that's easy to say.
Well, how are you going to do it? We're going to get you drunk and ask you some questions.
Well, where is it? I don't think your dad would've built a town without a five star luxury spa and gym, do you? No, he wouldn't do that.
The electricity went off again last night.
But I'm just happy to help Prince Charles fulfil his vision.
Yeah, my bog's still not right.
- Won't flush.
- Worth it to know that your water's being pumped by a replica 17th-century windmill.
Yeah, and who wants a functioning toilet - when you've got a nice statue of Prince Charles? - Yeah.
There's something not right about this place.
Yah.
I don't think there is a spa.
I need to find Dad.
Will you be OK on your own? Yeah, of course.
You go.
Business, dearie? No, I'm fine, thank you.
I've just done the maths.
I'll never get £2 billion being a pizza delivery man.
Oh, pull yourselves together! That's the worst thing you can say to a depressed person! All right, then.
Cheer up? I'm going to have to sell everything.
Shut up and have a drink.
Or you're going to have to get a job.
What?! Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
- Hi, Uncle Andy.
- Ah-ah! We are in a work relationship now, and at work you will refer to me as Randy Andy.
Gosh, I'm learning so much.
So, is this where you work, then? What are you wearing? Here.
Go and put this on.
It's what real businessmen wear.
Righto.
And thanks for giving me this opportunity, Randy Andy.
Let's go to work! Always punch from the hip.
And don't be afraid to bite their ears in the clinch hit.
Kate Middleton! I recognise that sledgehammer right anywhere! Gypsy Ricky! It's been over ten years.
- What have you been up to? - Set up as a student, what about you? Well, I met Prince William at university, then we got married, and eventually I'll be Queen.
- You're THAT Kate Middleton? - Yah, didn't you see? It was in all the newspapers.
Well, I've heard of the name, but I get all my news off social media.
What with all of the algorithms, it feeds me what I want to see, which is mainly boxing and naked ladies.
I'm in an echo chamber.
Well, I'll send you some wedding photos.
Right you are.
But how did you manage it? I did a fashion show in my bra and pants, and he came over and started chatting.
No, I mean how did you get married? When you're still married to me? Oh, hello! What are you two chatting about? Camilla, what are you doing here? You can't drink as much as I do and stay this thin without putting a little bit of work in.
- Aren't you going to introduce us? - This is Gypsy Ricky.
- He's an old friend of mine.
- A little bit more than a friend.
- Oh, yes? - I'm sure Camilla wants to go and warm up now.
Oh, no rush.
A little bit more than a friend, you say? That's right.
Kate and me We be married.
Not really.
We jumped the broom at a traditional grabbing ritual.
But I've divorced him now by saying "I divorce you" three times.
Oh, but the divorce is only binding if a gypsy notary from the original county at the broom jumping is also present.
So as I say, we still be married.
Papa.
Ah, there you are.
This is going to be phase two, Poundbury.
These mud huts are centred around a little Waitrose.
Dad, I've been having a little look around the town.
- Brilliant, isn't it? - No, it's not.
Everything's made out of polystyrene and no-one can park their car outside their house.
Well, that's fully intentional.
The landscape parking areas are far away from the residential zones.
- What if they have to bring a washing machine home? - They won't need to.
What's wrong with a bit of elbow grease and a mangle? That's all right for you to say.
You've never washed a pair of gunties in your life.
You're more interested in putting up statues of yourself than fixing someone's boiler.
Who's had a boiler installed? Don't you care that people don't have heat and electricity? Most of Buckingham Palace doesn't have heat and electricity.
You can't let people live like this.
It's not Britain in the 19th century, or the Isle of Wight now.
If you're not going to change things in this town, I will.
Who's had a boiler installed? 'By now you will all have heard that my first marriage to Gypsy Ricky, 'renders my marriage to Prince William null and void.
'I therefore renounce all royal privileges, 'and intend to resume my career of tarmacking drives.
' Kate! I've been looking for you everywhere.
You finally won, Camilla.
I'm leaving the royal family.
What are you talking about? I see.
You're not fooling me this time.
You just want to announce it to the press yourself.
I would never do that.
You see, like you, I once made a mistake.
I was just a girl, and I was madly in love with Charles.
But then he had to go on naval manoeuvres, and I fell under the spell of another gentleman.
Well, I say gentleman, it was the Argentine polo team.
By the time Charles returned, I was considered damaged goods.
Charles was told he couldn't marry me.
Gosh, you really were up for anything.
It's in the past.
But I didn't want the same mistake to ruin you.
But what shall I tell Wills? If he asks you, are you married to a boxing gypsy called Ricky, by all means tell him.
Otherwise, say nothing.
That's it, mummy.
Just one more Harvey Wallbanger.
She's ready.
OK, Mummy, I'm going to take you back, when was your most exciting time? The 1980s.
And where are you? I'm with John Travolta, and there's foam everywhere.
That sounds interesting.
Stuart Hall keeps trying to interview me.
Now she's remembering It's A Royal Knockout again.
OK, Mummy, go somewhere else.
I'm at Clarence House.
And there's a man there.
I can't quite make him out.
Fergie.
Hello, Charles, I was just looking for Andy.
He's outside cutting the break cables on the Foreign Secretary's car.
- It's a practical joke.
- He so funny.
So he won't do that for some time.
Oh, Fergie, we've denied ourselves for too long.
The dam is about to burst.
In fact, a bit's trickling out now.
But I love Andy.
We both do.
Although if I find him tremendously irritating.
Now show the future king your freckly bangers.
No, these freckly bangers are for Andy's eyes only, and anyone who happens to be at next week's Level 42 gig.
- Mmmm.
- Charles, we mustn't! OMG, he Poldarked her! If we put this in Mummy's book, she'll make millions.
We can't, it will destroy the royal family.
They deserve it, they ruined Mummy's life.
If it wasn't for them, she'd probably be a quite good hotel receptionist by now.
Oh, Charlie.
I've got to be honest, Randy Andy, I'm not sure this is the sort of professional look that's going to impress Meghan.
What is this, Harry, I thought you were a team player.
Sorry, I just got a bit confused why I had to dress as a 1980s prostitute.
Ah, let me explain.
You see that gentleman over there? He's interested in buying 30 Typhoon jets.
He's always been a big fan of the British Royal Family, and particularly you, as well as the film Pretty Woman.
Ah, so he wants to take me out shopping and give me a makeover? Well, it's actually much simpler than that.
What he wants is for you to go over there and sit on his lap, to start with.
No, no, no, I don't think I'm up for that.
This is important, Harry.
British jobs are at stake.
And, not that it matters, I'm in for 2%.
OK.
I'll do it.
All right, mate.
I would be honoured if you would accept these three tins of tuna.
And I want you to have this, a humble packet of spaghetti.
What are you doing? Well, it's Prince Charles Day, isn't it? Like it is every Saturday.
Listen to me.
All of you.
You shouldn't have to pay homage to my dad like this.
He isn't fulfilling the basic legal requirements of a landlord.
Terry, has he fixed your bog yet? No, he just keeps going, "It is done.
" That's just it, he needs to send a bloke right.
This whole town is a vanity project.
Everywhere's called Prince Charles Street or Prince Charles Avenue, that's why you keep getting lost.
- Yeah, there's too many architectural styles.
- Exactly.
One minute you're in the 15th century Siena, the next, 19th century northern Germany.
You can't be expected to live like this! And this statue here today is about the eighth one he's put up.
Plus, I don't like having to speak with this West Country accent.
Then rise up.
Take back control.
The time has come to form your own Resident's Association.
A Resident's Association will be a liberation Where grievances are settled by a form of arbitration So all the toilets function And we work on the assumption That if required, a plumber arrives within four hours! I have seen pretty woman, but have you seen Batman Versus Superman? It's awesome.
They've kept the darkness of the Batman character, but he's up against Superman.
Harry? What the hell's going on? Poppa, what are you doing here? I still track your iPhone.
Sentimental, I suppose.
Can this wait five minutes? I see, you're exploiting Harry.
He's a grown man, he can make his own mind up.
You know full well he can't.
I'm just trying to show the woman I love that I can make it in the real world.
Exactly.
Now, run along.
I warned you.
- Wow.
- Come on, Harry.
Sorry, Randy Andy.
Sorry, Igor.
Agh.
Haven't been hit like that without paying for it since the Navy.
Ah.
So, you see, Ricky, I've made a life for myself now.
I'm a happily married woman with two small children.
You and I, we're just so different.
I don't care.
You're my wife.
If you wanted me to be your wife so much, why did you sell me at a fair? I wanted a drink.
And you've made absolutely no effort to try to track me down.
That's not true, I looked online.
But, I couldn't find my way around Ask Jeeves.
I'm one of the most famous woman in the world.
You've got quite full of yourself these last few years, ain't ya? That's why you need a good long stint living in a lay-by.
No, OK? enough.
People change, Ricky.
I've changed.
I'm going to be the queen.
No, you're not.
You're going to be my misses and come to vintage car rallies with me in the Cortina.
Look.
And if you don't agree, I'm going straight to the Huffington Post which I can get now cos I started using AOL.
Where are you going? Will! Will! What? I can't hear you! I need to speak to you about the legality of our marriage.
I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a revolution, talk later.
'Perhaps I should have stopped.
I need to talk to someone.
'Is leading a revolt against my father even the right thing to do?' It is not.
Your father is going to be king.
- Charles I.
- That's right.
I've had a type of spaniel named after me.
Yeah, but on the other hand, you provoked civil war.
I don't care.
The point is, kings are always right.
Even if they won't fix someone's bog? Especially if they won't fix someone's bog.
No, Charles I, people need bogs.
Well, thanks for the lift.
Are things still good with you and Meghan? Actually, I had a phone call from her earlier and we broke up.
What? Oh, Harry, come here.
Well, I say broke up.
I mean, the signal broke up.
Had to say "I love you" on the landline.
Right.
Mummy, it's finished! And Charles Poldarking you is going to be dynamite.
Thanks, girls.
But I've just been watching an old episode of Oprah and I think I might be suffering from false memory syndrome.
So you're saying Charles didn't Poldark you? Sorry, girls.
What am I going to do? If I don't hand a memoir in, I'll have to give the money back.
Sorry, Mummy, did you say false memory syndrome? Yes, why? And did you ever meet Michael Jackson, who's now dead and can't sue? No.
Oh, actually I did and he Poldarked me on his fairground while his monkey was watching.
Slow down.
Ker-ching! Dear, Johnny, I'm leaving you.
I don't love you and never have.
I only agreed to marry you as you had £2 billion, and now that you've lost it all, I see things more clearly.
Soz, Pips.
Johnny! Pippa! Great news, I just got all my money back.
What? How? Some mates rallied round and I lead a hostile takeover of the pizza delivery company.
So you'll get all your money back? Yes, and more once I strip the pension fund.
Fancy coming out to the club to celebrate? Um, just got to get something.
Such a shame your house burnt down.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll have it rebuilt.
Didn't like the wallpaper, anyway.
They're tearing down my statue and hitting it with slippers! - Dad! - What do you want? I'm with the townspeople to demand the establishment of a Residents Association to take over the running of Poundbury! And I demand your removal as leader! But Poundbury's my dream! It's the only thing I've ever achieved.
It's no use turning on the waterworks, Father, the people have spoken.
Well, hold on.
I mean, maybe he could stay on as a sort of nominal leader.
No, you need a clean break to decide things for yourself.
- But he does bring in a lot of tourists.
- Yeah.
And He's someone to look up to, you know, cos he's better than us.
- He's not better than you.
- And he's a stabilising influence.
Yeah, and sometimes we don't know what we want and we lash out cos the world's changing and we're frightened.
Yes, I'd be so sort of ceremonial head of Poundbury.
Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
In that scenario, I suppose all the statues would go back up.
- Oh, yeah.
- Even a ceremonial head will require some sort of income.
You're one of the richest men in the country.
- Thmmm.
- Oh, yeah, you'll have to be paid.
Then I accept.
Camilla.
This is unexpected.
I just thought I'd set your mind at rest about Gypsy Ricky.
- Yes? - I sorted out the problem.
You're free.
Well, that's wonderful, but how? - Wills.
- Kate.
- Camilla.
- Wills.
- Kate.
- How was the revolution? Well, they're going to keep Dad on as a sort of ceremonial head and use a maintenance company to fix the bogs.
I was just about to say to Camilla how I think we've misunderstood each other all these years.
Yes.
Perhaps we have.
I think I've got the gist, you social-climber sixth former.
'And more on that story about the original Magna Carta document 'being found this morning in Runnymede.
'Experts have just authenticated it and it suggests the United Kingdom 'should not be ruled by the prime minister, 'but by the Royal Family.
'