The Wonder Years s02e04 Episode Script

Once upon a time, a boy's popularity was based on kickball abilities, pea-shooting range, and how much of the alphabet he could squeeze off with one burp.
For the same boy to acquire a comparable level of popularity in junior high school, he's gonna need a girl.
The ceremony rarely strays from tradition.
Fully unprepared for his certain someone to be surrounded by three giggling friends, Boy grows thirsty and proceeds to drink.
He will continue to drink until the gaggle disperses or his stomach explodes.
Whichever comes first.
Girl, acutely aware of boy's presence, warns her friends that she will in fact die if they abandon her.
To no avail.
She is forsaken, left to yell a meaningless You guys! after them and tend to the business of rearranging her locker.
Seeing his opportunity, Boy prepares for final approach.
He takes one last breath and lunges forward.
Girl fainted suprise.
Oh, God.
You scared me.
And they engage in small talk.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Feeling the full weight of the moment, boy realizes that those three gallons of fountain water have just funneled directly to his palms, armpits, and feet.
So, uh, how's it going? Fine.
How are you? - Pretty good.
- That's good.
Down to his final wisps of saliva, Boy decides that the time has come to quote-unquote "pop the big one.
" You wanna go steady? Sure.
And just like that, the ceremony is complete Good.
leaving the newly-formed couple with absolutely nothing left to say to each other.
- Man, he looks like he's ready to barf.
Why would anyone want to go steady anyway? Don't ask me.
What's so great about going steady? Personally, I'd rather play the field.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Paul was right.
You didn't want to get tied down too early in life.
I mean, look at Kirk McCray.
Winnie Cooper had him wrapped around her little finger.
Thank God I was a free man.
- Kevin?! | - Huh? I said, did you hear about Kirk and Winnie? No.
Well supposedly they might break up.
I heard it from Becky Slater.
So, who cares? I hear Kirk thinks Winnie likes someone else.
Big deal.
Oh, great.
Now he clams up.
What was he gonna make me do? Ask him? So? Who does she like? I don't know.
But whoever it is, it'll be a big step down from Kirk McCray.
I can tell you that.
I mean, he's like the coolest guy in the whole school.
I don't know who she thinks she's gonna get even half as good as he is, because he's like the top of the Paul, you should really stop worrying about Winnie Cooper's love life.
I mean, it's kinda pathetic.
I was just saying.
I'd been toyed with too many times to get excited about one measly rumor.
Besides, Paul and I had plenty to do without girls gettin' in the way.
It's good.
No.
No way! Your finger's crooked! I'm going straight! Not that I don't trust you or anything.
These surfaces are too slick.
Are you kidding? These are the best in the school.
Competition.
Accusations.
Common cruelty.
These were things we understood.
Why did it ever have to change? - Hi Paul, hi Kevin! Hi, Becky.
Do you wanna hear something.
I don't care.
I know someone who likes you.
Big deal.
Well, who is it? Well, I can't tell you her name.
But her initials are C.
H.
C.
H.
? C.
H.
? C.
H.
? Big mystery here.
Carla Healey, who was the only female in Paul's life who wasn't a blood relative.
C.
H.
? If you're interested, she'll be at the skating rink tonight.
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
See you guys later.
C.
H.
, I wonder who that is.
Who cares? - Yeah.
Who cares? - Yeah.
Who cares? So, you feel like going skating tonight? Alls I'm saying is that I think it would be fun to go skating.
I hate skating.
Why don't we just go bowling? I'm sick of bowling.
All we ever do is bowl, bowl, bowl.
Do not.
I'd rather get some exercise, some fresh air.
- It's an indoor rink, Paul.
- Come on, Kevin.
All right.
This had gone far enough.
It was time to do what any red-blooded twelve year old would do when his buddy's about to dump him for a girl: torture him for it.
Well, uh, what's the matter, Paul? Wanna skate with Carla Healey? No! Well, I thought you didn't like her anymore.
I don't! Oh.
Well, you know, I think you two would look very cute skating across the ice, hand in I'm not gonna skate with Carla Healey.
I just think it's gonna be fun.
We'll go skating.
That's all.
It was hopeless.
He was a goner.
One lousy "I-know-someone-who-likes-you," and he's ready to sell out our Hold the phone.
What have we here? That was no "I'm-glad-we're-still-friends" look.
That was "Tony, Tony! Take me, I'm yours!" My God, it was a moment.
Maybe those rumors about Winnie and Kirk were true.
Hold my hand, and I'll take you there.
Somehow! Someday! Somewhere! Somewhere! What'd I tell you? Well, one minute you're up, the next minute you're down.
How's it goin'? Just wonderful.
The time of my life.
She's all over me.
Paul, she doesn't know how to skate.
Well, what should I do? I don't care.
Why don't you just ask her? You could say that I was being unfair.
But there were two hours until Mom came back to pick us up, and I was losing the best friend I ever had.
You're not mad at me, are you? Mad? Why should I be mad? Look let's just skate, OK? "Next song will be couples only.
Couples only.
" "All others please clear the ice.
" We'll do some tag team later, okay? Well, that was the end of that.
I'd lost him to a woman.
Whatever happened to the pristine days of baseball cards and lugey contests? Since when did women start to rule our lives? - Hi, Kevin.
Hi.
How come you haven't been skating? Oh, I, uh, I hurt my ankle.
That's too bad.
God, she looked beautiful.
- Where's McCray? - Who knows? What was this tone? Trouble in Paradise? Something wrong? No.
Well, I was going to ask you something, but I didn't know you were hurt.
Uh, no, it-it's, uh, not that bad.
It's feeling better already.
Breathe deep, little man.
Here come's the big one.
This is really embarrassing.
Don't be embarrassed.
Come to Papa Well Go ahead.
D-do you want Do you want to skate with Becky Slater? What? This is so embarrassing.
Becky Slater, she kind of asked me if I'd ask you.
- Kirk! Please, I'm gonna fall! It's hard to describe what I was feeling at that moment in time.
Humiliation? Sorrow? Or was it more intense hostility? Becky Slater!? Weeks of waiting in the wings and all I get is Becky Slater!? I'll give you - Becky Slater! - Yes? You wanna go steady? - Sure.
- Let's skate.
My first steady girlfriend.
Hello? Kevin? Kevin who? Give me it, Wayne.
- Oh, you mean little Kevin Arnold? - Just one moment, please.
- Kevin, it's for you.
- Wayne! - Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask who's calling.
May I ask who's calling? Becky Slater? Oh, just one moment, let me see if he'll take your call.
- Kevin.
- Wayne! - It's your girlfriend.
- Girlfriend? Hello? Yeah, yeah.
Look, I gotta go.
We're eating dinner.
- Yes! Bye.
Becky Slater? Is that the Slater family on Elm Street? Here we go.
Serve up my love life for a little dinner conversation.
Honey, you remember the Slater's? We met them last fall at the PTA fair.
A Barnie Slater? Oh.
Tire business, right? - Yeah! Little Becky Slater, huh? She's a cute one, Kevin.
Why do mothers always feel at liberty to discuss your love life at the dinner table? Probably the same reason they feel it their business to check the crotch of your pants in the middle of a crowded clothing store and say, "Plenty of room in there!" - Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.
It's no big deal.
Now, Kevin, I wouldn't call going steady "no big deal.
" - Going steady? - Mom! Do kids still give each other ID bracelets? No.
No, we don't.
Any other questions? Whatever happened to Winnie Cooper? - I thought you were - Look, I said it was no big deal.
- She's just a stupid girl that I met at the skating rink.
And I didn't even know her.
Okay? She's just one of Winnie Cooper's stupid little friends, and I'm gonna break up with her as soon as I get the chance.
Okay? Are you all satisfied now? Would you pass the potatoes, please? Kevin! Well, it seemed simple enough in theory.
I'd just kill off the relationship before it got out of hand.
And yet I couldn't seem to find the appropriate time.
It was always one thing or another.
Before I knew it, Becky and I had been going steady for a whole week.
That's nearly six months in adult years.
What'll it be, kids? I'll have a Coke and some fries.
I'll just have some of his.
Woof! This chick was gettin' in deep.
First she splits your fries.
Next thing you know she'll be movin' her textbooks into your locker.
- Kevin? Is something wrong? What do you mean? I don't know.
It's like we don't talk anymore.
Anymore? This was the first conversation we'd ever had.
Are you mad at me or something? No.
Not really.
I don't know.
Don't be a coward.
Break it off clean.
One shot behind the ear.
She won't feel a thing.
I'm really glad we're going steady.
- Winnie! Over here! - Look, Becky, we have to talk.
- Hi, you guys.
Have you seen Kirk around? I was supposed to meet him here.
I don't think he's here.
Why don't you sit with us? I don't know.
Hey, hey.
What's this? The physical contact too much to take? I don't think I should.
But if you guys see Kirk, will you tell him that I'm looking for him? No sweat, right Becky? Sure.
Sure you don't want some fries? No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Well, take this.
And this.
You guys make a really cute couple.
Boy, was she steamed.
It's not the same without little Kevin Arnold to kick around anymore, is it? - Anybody home? - What? I asked if you like ketchup on your fries.
Sure, whatever you like.
You're so weird sometimes.
I knew it was despicable, but I couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities: Becky and I sharing a carton of milk in front of Winnie.
Walking past her locker with our hands in each other's back pockets.
Maybe even a well-timed smooch out by the busses.
Hi, guys.
I'm really sorry, Kevin.
What? You must feel so terrible about it! - It's just so - What? You mean you don't know? What? Oh, God, me and my big mouth.
What?! - Paul, you'd better tell him.
- Me? - Paul! Becky Slater is breaking up with you.
What? She's breaking up with me? Oh, God.
We didn't mean to tell you.
We thought everybody knew.
Hey, Arnold.
Tough luck about Slater.
Hey, I didn't even like her! Who was that guy? Kev, look, there's other fish in the sea.
I can't believe this.
How could she break up with me? - Kevin, you really can't blame her.
I mean it's so obvious.
What? - That you still like Winnie Cooper.
- What!? Well, that did it.
I'd had it up to here with Winnie Cooper.
It was time to lay it on the line, to force her hand.
I was just going to walk right up to her and ask her once and for all what was going on with her and Kirk Mc And so it finally happened.
My poor, twelve-year-old heart finally crumbled into a little pile of dust and blew away.
It was over.
I was never going to get her back.
It was time for a little self-respect.
It was time to let go.
Time to move on.
After all, who needed women? Who needed friends? I'd just walk alone from now on.
Yep, that was me, Kevin Arnold: lone wolf.
There was just one loose end I had to tie up.
For your information, I don't like Winnie Cooper.
Tell me about it.
All right, I used to like her.
But I don't anymore.
Ya, sure! I don't! Do you like me? I don't even really know you.
Well, I don't know you, and I like you.
It was just this whole stupid going-steady thing.
I didn't even want to go steady.
Well then, why did you ask me in the first place? - I don't know, it - Wait! Great, there goes my bus.
Standing there alone with Becky, I felt a warmth, an attraction, a tenderness for another girl for the first time since I'd lost Winnie Cooper.
- You're such a jerk! Thanks for nothing.
Wait.
How are you gonna get home? How do you think? Well, do you want me to walk with you? It-it's on the way and stuff.
- Don't do me any favors.
- No! I want to.