Tracey Ullman's Show (2016) s02e04 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 4
1 Coming soon to BBC One, a new series of documentaries to put you off your dinner.
The king's syphilis was so bad that he had open, running sores pouring with pus that would pop like bubble wrap every time that he crossed his legs.
The following year, plague swept the country, causing open, putrid, festering sores, all over the groin area and genitals of The Middle Ages, in quite unnecessary detail.
One of the crew's been sick again.
All right.
# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom # Then I grew up and did it again # And basically I'm still doing the same show # I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it to the bitter end # 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman Show # Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go # Tracey Ullman Show # Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman # Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey Tracey Ullman's Show, Let's go.
So, while my time in America isn't directly relevant, I think it gives me an extra layer of experience to draw on.
Absolutely.
That's very impressive.
I hope I'm not blowing my own trumpet too much here.
If I had a trumpet this good, I'd be blowing it nonstop.
Look, I think we're done here.
Obviously, I can't say anything official right now, but you should expect a phone call.
Thank you, I just find it so difficult to boast on my CV.
It's just that as a Christian, I Oh.
What? You're a Christian? Yeah, OK Is that a? No, not at all.
You don't seem to mention it anywhere here.
Well, why would I? No, fair point.
I'm not planning to run your polymer factory along biblical lines(!) No Could you give me a second, please? Denise, may I borrow you for a second, I'm just interviewing Patricia Hughes here.
Oh, Patricia, how wonderful to meet you.
Do you know, we're all so excited that you've applied for this role, it's really very flattering when someone of your calibre Oh Yeah.
OK There is a problem with me being a Christian, isn't there? Absolutely not Legally speaking.
But you both seem uncomfortable for some reason, do you think that it makes me untrustworthy? No.
No.
Incompetent? A bit weird? I see Well, in that case, I'll just withdraw my application.
Oh, now It's funny, isn't it, it's been perfectly normal to be a Christian in this country for the last 1,500 years or so.
But now, well Really sorry about this.
It's fine, I forgive you.
Lucky escape.
What a nutter.
Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog.
Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye, and my agent said it was this or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen of the Geordie persuasion.
So today I'm giving you my top tips for actors.
Make sure your character walks with a cane, then just before they shout action, hit the other actor, smartly, on the shins, this guarantees that you'll act better than them, which is the whole point.
Sometimes young actors say, "Oh, Dame Maggie, "such a thrill to work with you, I love doing this, or that," then one must say, "Why, thank you.
And what have you been in?" And they will tell you and you say, "Oh, I saw that" Followed by a long pause.
You'll find they leave you alone after this.
Never ever do an outdoor sex scene in Scotland after September 3rd.
And that's everything about acting, tomorrow's top tips will be on changing the magenta cartridge in a Brother HL 3150 printer.
Good day.
Hello, I like the view from here, fix me up a flat white, and I'll have one of those pastries.
But only if they taste as good as you.
Name on cup? Greg.
# Li-i-i-i-i-fe # Is good # It feels the way you know it sho-ould # I'm so happy, puppies and rainbows and kittens pass by # I wave to them, they all say hi Hi-i-i-i-i Going to have to stop you there, Adele, we need to go from the top and make it a bit moodier.
Moodier? Yeah, a bit less puppies and rainbows, a bit more, you know, Adele.
No pressure, angel, but mood, mood, mood, OK? Yeah, but it's a happy song.
I know it is, all your new songs are happy.
Yeah, that's 'cause I am happy.
I've got me bubba, I've got me fella.
I'm happier than a bloomin' Disney Princess in a bouncy bleedin' castle, ain't I? How do we sell records, Adele? Oh, don't do this to me.
Oh, bleedin' 'ell.
How did you feel when you wrote your first album? I was devastated, I was gutted, I was disappointed.
And we won best new artist.
What did you tap into when you wrote the follow-up? A heartbreak that kept me in bed for six weeks.
I didn't shampoo me barnet That's Barnet Fair, hair.
I didn't brush me Hampsteads Hampstead heath, teeth.
And all I could eat was Penguin bars dipped in Nutella.
Yeah, Double-Choc Penguins equals the bestselling album of the 21st-century.
You know we're going to have to go there again, Adele.
All right, all right, I can get there, just give me a minute.
Where's all me photos? I had Terry delete them all.
Even me screensaver of the baby with the shampoo horns? Gone.
But I love looking at that, that's not fair.
You've made me go all sad now.
That's it, hold that feeling, let's cement it.
Terry, call Carl now.
Oh.
No, no, don't make me go there.
Destination? Tottenham Hale Retail Park.
Fuck a duck.
Oh, Bernice, Sir Richard Appleworth is here from the UK Charities Commission.
Would you like me to stay and take notes? No, Sherry, no.
Go, go, go, manipulate.
Manipulate.
Oh, and Sherry, you need to get me a top-notch Royal for our charity gala.
Now, don't let them palm us off with this Duke of Kent He looks like the tsar that was shot with all the kids, it's creepy.
Go, go, go, manipulate.
Sir Richard, yoo-hoo, over here, over here.
Do I have to curtsy? Of course not.
So you get a knighthood over here by kissing some asses and raising money for the riff raff, right? That's what I do in New York and nobody calls me a lady.
You want Earl Grey? Spit from heaven.
My ministers think we should swap ideas.
Yeah, right, I know all the tricks, I went to a charity gala for an incurable kids' disease here the other night, and your auctioneer, he let a hot-air balloon trip over Peter-bo-roe go for under a thousand guineas? Oh, my God.
In New York we would have had the sick kids circling, circling the table.
You know, in the wheelchairs, drooling, with the breathing tubes You know, guilt! You've got to guilt these people out.
I just think it's so exploitative.
Exploitation equals donations.
We seem to have different approaches You know, something else you want to steer clear of in this business, any charity to do with gastrointestinal Urgh.
It's a tough sell, trust me, Madonna and I have tried.
Yeah.
So what's your next gig, what's your next event, talk to me, talk to me.
It's a new charity.
Yeah.
And it's called Opportunities for the Young.
It's something Princes William and Harry are putting together.
Oh! Shut up! You got Royals? Real ones? Sherry, Sherry, get over here, I love this man, get him tickets for a Broadway show, you can give him Sarah Jessica Parker's private phone number.
Can I get a ticket for this? Yes, of course.
Yeah, OK.
We could trade some auction items, give him the dinner for 100 in Downton Abbey and the one-night stand with Jude Law.
Really? No, I'm kidding, look at his face.
You were thinking of bidding on that one, you public schoolboys.
Lucy, I need an extra ticket for the gala.
Yes.
Give her a special seat.
Table 91.
Perfect.
Thank you.
Top tier? Absolutely.
It's been most enlightening meeting you, erm Bernice, Bernice.
All right.
Well, ta ta for now, Dickie.
Yeah.
Asshole.
Looking back now, I know what I should have done with my life.
Oh, Mum, you shouldn't I should have looked at more clickbait articles about celebrities with fat thighs.
Mum, we love you, and When they're on the beach and the backs of their knees look like little bums.
When it says, "You won't believe photo number seven," promise me you'll always click on it.
Here you are.
It's Kerry Katona, and she's piled on the pounds since the exercise video.
Oh, you're an angel.
Look at that arse, good Lord.
You can zoom in like that.
Oh, why a thong, why? Why a thong? It won't be long now.
Yeah, yeah, this is where he finished with me.
And we had like a huge bull and cow.
A row.
And then And then Quick, Terry, get the recorder.
Not now, love.
Adele's trying to remember how it is to feel like shit.
And then he just threw the tray up in the air, and all this falafel was like coming down one me, all bits falling in me hair, and everyone was looking at me.
And then, and then And then what, Adele? # I'm falling # I'm fall, falling And when I stop falling, then Oh, Paul, look at me hands! # I start falling, fall, falling I'm falling all over again Oh, Paul, I feel like shit.
This is great! Woo-o-o-oo PHONE RINGS Oh! Hello, bubba, it's mama! SHE CACKLES What you doing then? You're watching Peppa Pig? How does he go? Yeah, he goes What? He goes SHE OINKS SHE CACKLES He's a genius, my kid.
Yeah, let me talk to the nanny.
Yeah, you might as well switch it off, Terry.
She's good for sod all, now.
Hey, Daniel, I'm Lindy, your Uber driver, 2.
8 stars.
Well, it was 3.
8, but it turns out you lose a star for driving the wrong way up the M1, who knew? There's been a mistake, I'll rebook, it's fine.
You don't want to do that, they've gone to surge prices.
No, it'll be cheaper to buy a car.
Well, this one, anyway.
Jump in.
Get off, get off.
I said stop fighting or I'll chuck you off the overpass! So where are we going, sweetheart? Robin Hood Airport.
Should be on the app.
Oh, I just follow the blue line, do what I'm told, Magical Mystery tour, eh? I have to be there by six.
Do planes leave at a particular time, then? Yes.
Just sit back and relax.
Jake, give the man a complimentary sweet.
Why pay childcare when you don't have to, Daniel? It's like car insurance, strictly optional.
What sort of thing do you like listening to, Daniel? We've got Wheels On The Bus, or the audio book of the Gruffalo.
Gruffalo! Are you playing £25 for this journey, little lady? I don't think so.
Wheels On The Bus, coming up.
The-e-e-e wheels on the bus Come on, Daniel, let yourself go.
Really good session, guys.
SHE TUTS SHE WHISTLES Wow.
What a day What?! You've dragged it out of me, Yvonne.
Only turns out he's got a secret bank account.
He calls it a rainy-day fund, more like sunny day in the Bahamas with the yoga teacher fund.
But But, what he doesn't know No, no, no, we've been through this, I am not comfortable with you sharing confidential patient information with me.
It's not ethical.
Yeah, no, ethics, ethics.
That's a good call.
That is a good call.
A good call, Yvonne, yeah.
I think it'd be all right if you guessed.
She's got a toy boy? Oh.
Sugar daddy? Yeah, spot on.
So he's hoovering She's on a train? Disco dancer! Building a cabinet! She's carrying something heavy? Something slippery He's dead! No! While he's carrying on with the yoga teacher, she's had her sugar daddy privately funding the kids' schooling.
Why would you not get that? Oh, Richard and Pat, you've taken the brave first step in coming here today, please come through.
I wonder what these two have been up to.
I'll tell you later.
Oh, Paul, I mean, all right, I can't help it, it's really hard, getting in the mood, to write the songs now, you know.
We've tried hanging out at the jellied-eel stall in Hoxton, drinking brown ale until I vomit up a Grammy, but This place Oh, my God I mean, look at it.
Adele was really unhappy 'ere.
This is where I was Donald Trumped.
Dumped.
I was on me George Michael.
Menstrual cycle.
And it was pissing down.
Raining.
And I was in such terrible, terrible # Misery! # You got the best of me # Misery # You really messed with me # Flowing like a river bringing up the past # Misery is here at last# Yes! Go, Adele! # When I think of you # You threw our love away # I couldn't see a thing # That I would pay and pay and pay and pay I walk on broken glass Look at me, I really am walking on broken glass, Paul.
# I stumble to the floor # The habit's hard to break # But I won't go there any more # Misery, you got the best of me # Misery, you really messed with me # With you away I see # I pay, I break, I fall # My skin it crawls with M-i-i-i-i-sery.
Yes! Book our tickets to the Grammys.
Terry, you're in economy.
Look at you, Amanda, you look wonderful.
Have you lost weight? Oh, I don't know.
Are you sure you're coping in here? I'm fine.
I tried to get you moved to an open prison.
Oh.
You know, with day release, so you could come home sometimes.
No good, I'm afraid.
Bloody Home Office! Bastards.
How are the children? Great, great, yeah Toby's still drumming.
Is he? Won't do it in the garage, though, likes to do it in his room.
Madeleine's gone vegan.
Good for her health, I suppose, but I am making three dinners now.
With Leo not eating vegetables.
Or bread.
You have coped so well this year.
Yes, yes.
I never realised how much driving around you did.
Listen, I feel terrible about you being stuck in here.
Taking the rap for me and everything.
It's fine, it's fine, we agreed.
It was wrong.
I should never have made you lie.
Amanda, I think I'm going to tell the truth.
No.
You can't! You could come straight home, and I could get banged up.
You'd be disbarred! You'd never work as an accountant again.
I know, but I could retrain, I could learn a new skill in prison.
Pentonville's plumbing course is one of the best in the country.
I can't let you do it, you'd get three years.
Three years? I thought it'd only be 18 months.
Ronan and Rafferty will have left home by then, and if I misbehaved I'm sure they'd probably make me do the full term! Get a grip on yourself.
We made a plan and we're going to stick to it.
No, I'm going to confess! You're not, you're going to man up, you're going to make the packed lunches, you're going to take them to the clarinet lessons, and go to Peppa Pig World in the rain.
I can take it any more! Anyway, it'd be your word against mine.
No.
Now, I've got a pottery class to go to.
So why don't you just run along.
And anyway, haven't you got the twins' birthday party? Four hours at the Wacky Warehouse? Oi! Sanders! Any more of that, and you'll be losing all your parole.
# Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes And eyes and ears and mouth and CAR HORN BEEPS All right! The airport is sort of back that way.
We're picking up my Frank.
It's about work-life balance, Daniel.
I'm a mother first, and a highly-professional Uber driver second, and an exotic dancer third.
You wish! SHE LAUGHS Frank, move your arse, this man is going on holiday.
It's a thermoplastics conference.
Not my idea of a holiday, but each to his own.
Budge up, Daniel, there's a love.
You win? Don't ask.
Oh, God, you honk, didn't you have a shower? Showers are minging in there.
Quick, give him a coating of Lynx Africa.
I'm sorry but I'm starting to worry about my plane.
Oh, no, hang on! Now, what did I need? Dog food, bin bags, bog roll.
I'm back in two secs.
What? No, wait! Are you going to give Mummy five stars? No.
If you don't give Mummy five stars, we'll say you did things.
Is the 148 due? Oh, one's just left.
Oh.
They threw me off it last week.
Me, Germaine Greer.
A famous author and regular on the Newsnight Review! Yes, they said that my views offended the driver.
You know, the one who is in transition.
Sorry? One of the drivers on the 148, he's a man becoming a woman, an M to F, as you say.
Your son, he's an M.
I assume he's a boy? They don't have to decide until there are at least four nowadays.
He might want to change, especially if you live in North London.
It's always been a liberal bastion.
That's where I met a lot of the intellectual anarchists I had sex with back in the day.
Like Martin Amis, with whom I hit the alfresco G spot on Hampstead Heath in 1972.
Mind you, I had a body back then like a Greek goddess, and a quim like Charlotte Rampling's on the front of Helmut Newton's coffee-table book.
Oh, that's right, sir.
I said quim.
Slang for female genitalia, vulva, vagina, 1735, perhaps 1610s.
And you're going to say I'm being politically incorrect, talking about body parts in front of a young child, who has every right to become a trans-fluid tween.
LGBTIQHA.
You have to say the lot these days, otherwise you are labelled an RTOWWAGM.
That's a racist, trans-phobic old woman with a grey minge.
Oh, that's right, sir, I said minge, it's another word for quim, late 19th century, origin unknown.
Oh, it's you, M to F driver! I was just trying to tell you last week before you rudely ejected me that if they required you to have a uterus ovary transplant, you'd baulk at the whole thing.
You try being an old woman, for goodness' sake, who refuses to walk on eggshells! Don't get old, that's the biggest sin of all! It just feels so weird finally saying that out loud.
I've just been carrying it around for so long and Simon, can you just I've got to do something I'll be right back.
Yvonne! You'll never believe Oh Yvonne! You won't believe what he's just told me.
He is secretly in love with his twin brother's wife! He has been for 20 years, but he's bottled it up inside and she's got feelings for him, too, he reckons.
She gave him a look, Christmas '98, and he's never told a living soul till just now.
Oh! That's him! That's him, there.
Good session, Simon.
Same time next week.
# Here's the story of a blended family # With some kids of his and some kids of her own.
# And this lady has never been so happy # 'Cause she spent far too long with a stingy Rolling Stone.
This way.
Surprise! Wow-ee! This looks bonza! It's date night.
Ah! When I asked the kids to give us a night on our own, they just shot out the door.
It's just goes to show how much they love us.
Oh, I feel so lucky.
I want this marriage to be going strong when we're old and wrinkled.
Hey presto, your wish is granted! Funny.
As well as sexy.
Great, my favourite.
Foie gras and Fosters.
Oh, I remember one night when I was out to dinner with Mick, oh, and he got really mad when it came to splitting the bill because he hadn't had a starter and I had and then when I told him I'd forgotten his book of two-for-one coupons, he went crazy.
'Cause Mick sure did love a coupon! He couldn't have his free profiteroles that night and, oh, there was just hell to pay! Mick doesn't know when he's got it good.
That's the problem with the younger generation.
My wonderful man mogul! You know, if you said you were cold, I'd wrap my arms around you.
If you said you are thirsty, I'd give you the oceans blue.
I would give you anything.
The moon, the stars, the sunset, too.
Oh, Rupert, that's so beautiful! Apparently, Hugh Grant left that message on some hooker's voicemail.
You're kidding? Oh, yeah.
Happy date night, Sweetie! Bottoms up.
Oh, well, let's just have dinner first.
Oh! Would you like a drink, Nicola? It is sundown, the cocktail hour, though it's hard to see through our thick Scottish mist.
I'll have an Arbroath Kiss, if you're making.
What's an Arbroath Kiss? One part whiskey, one part Irn Bru, with a big piece of smoked haddock floating in it.
You know, wee Mhairi, it's not easy being a Scottish woman with a vision.
You have to stand tall in the face of mocking English voices.
You have to hold on to your dream.
There you go.
Shaken, not stirred.
# Referendum-dum-dum # For a Scottish kingdom-dom # Nearly won the last one-one # We were robbed, we were done-done-done-done # Refer-endum # When I was a bairn # In a wee little tartan kilt # I knew that our proud nation should be rebuilt We know you did, we know you did we know you did Away and boil your heid.
# Then I grew up and I let out a cry # It's time for the world to live and och aye # Live and och aye # It's the Isle of Skyefall # Shortbread finger # From Kirkcaldy with love SHE SHIVERS # Nobody knits it better # A beautiful Fair Isle sweater # A dried haggis lasts forever # Right now, Scotland's just a wee small land # But I'm going to make it a global brand # With oat cakes, salmon, Irn Bru but best of all # I want a worldwide Edinburgh Festival # Worldwide Edinburgh worldwide Edinburgh Festival Scotland has given the world William Wallace, Alexander Bell, Rabbie Burns, The Proclaimers! And in my future global Scotland, each child will receive free bagpipes! England will be turned into a two-million-hole golf course, with extended parking! Spread our humble Isle across the nation! Alex Salmond! Whiskey! Golf! Scotland's fantastic, Nicola.
But you didn't mention the oil? Don't talk about that just now, Mhairi.
But Shut it.
The king's syphilis was so bad that he had open, running sores pouring with pus that would pop like bubble wrap every time that he crossed his legs.
The following year, plague swept the country, causing open, putrid, festering sores, all over the groin area and genitals of The Middle Ages, in quite unnecessary detail.
One of the crew's been sick again.
All right.
# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom # Then I grew up and did it again # And basically I'm still doing the same show # I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it to the bitter end # 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman Show # Tracey Ullman's Show Let's do the show, let's go # Tracey Ullman Show # Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman # Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey Tracey Ullman's Show, Let's go.
So, while my time in America isn't directly relevant, I think it gives me an extra layer of experience to draw on.
Absolutely.
That's very impressive.
I hope I'm not blowing my own trumpet too much here.
If I had a trumpet this good, I'd be blowing it nonstop.
Look, I think we're done here.
Obviously, I can't say anything official right now, but you should expect a phone call.
Thank you, I just find it so difficult to boast on my CV.
It's just that as a Christian, I Oh.
What? You're a Christian? Yeah, OK Is that a? No, not at all.
You don't seem to mention it anywhere here.
Well, why would I? No, fair point.
I'm not planning to run your polymer factory along biblical lines(!) No Could you give me a second, please? Denise, may I borrow you for a second, I'm just interviewing Patricia Hughes here.
Oh, Patricia, how wonderful to meet you.
Do you know, we're all so excited that you've applied for this role, it's really very flattering when someone of your calibre Oh Yeah.
OK There is a problem with me being a Christian, isn't there? Absolutely not Legally speaking.
But you both seem uncomfortable for some reason, do you think that it makes me untrustworthy? No.
No.
Incompetent? A bit weird? I see Well, in that case, I'll just withdraw my application.
Oh, now It's funny, isn't it, it's been perfectly normal to be a Christian in this country for the last 1,500 years or so.
But now, well Really sorry about this.
It's fine, I forgive you.
Lucky escape.
What a nutter.
Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog.
Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye, and my agent said it was this or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen of the Geordie persuasion.
So today I'm giving you my top tips for actors.
Make sure your character walks with a cane, then just before they shout action, hit the other actor, smartly, on the shins, this guarantees that you'll act better than them, which is the whole point.
Sometimes young actors say, "Oh, Dame Maggie, "such a thrill to work with you, I love doing this, or that," then one must say, "Why, thank you.
And what have you been in?" And they will tell you and you say, "Oh, I saw that" Followed by a long pause.
You'll find they leave you alone after this.
Never ever do an outdoor sex scene in Scotland after September 3rd.
And that's everything about acting, tomorrow's top tips will be on changing the magenta cartridge in a Brother HL 3150 printer.
Good day.
Hello, I like the view from here, fix me up a flat white, and I'll have one of those pastries.
But only if they taste as good as you.
Name on cup? Greg.
# Li-i-i-i-i-fe # Is good # It feels the way you know it sho-ould # I'm so happy, puppies and rainbows and kittens pass by # I wave to them, they all say hi Hi-i-i-i-i Going to have to stop you there, Adele, we need to go from the top and make it a bit moodier.
Moodier? Yeah, a bit less puppies and rainbows, a bit more, you know, Adele.
No pressure, angel, but mood, mood, mood, OK? Yeah, but it's a happy song.
I know it is, all your new songs are happy.
Yeah, that's 'cause I am happy.
I've got me bubba, I've got me fella.
I'm happier than a bloomin' Disney Princess in a bouncy bleedin' castle, ain't I? How do we sell records, Adele? Oh, don't do this to me.
Oh, bleedin' 'ell.
How did you feel when you wrote your first album? I was devastated, I was gutted, I was disappointed.
And we won best new artist.
What did you tap into when you wrote the follow-up? A heartbreak that kept me in bed for six weeks.
I didn't shampoo me barnet That's Barnet Fair, hair.
I didn't brush me Hampsteads Hampstead heath, teeth.
And all I could eat was Penguin bars dipped in Nutella.
Yeah, Double-Choc Penguins equals the bestselling album of the 21st-century.
You know we're going to have to go there again, Adele.
All right, all right, I can get there, just give me a minute.
Where's all me photos? I had Terry delete them all.
Even me screensaver of the baby with the shampoo horns? Gone.
But I love looking at that, that's not fair.
You've made me go all sad now.
That's it, hold that feeling, let's cement it.
Terry, call Carl now.
Oh.
No, no, don't make me go there.
Destination? Tottenham Hale Retail Park.
Fuck a duck.
Oh, Bernice, Sir Richard Appleworth is here from the UK Charities Commission.
Would you like me to stay and take notes? No, Sherry, no.
Go, go, go, manipulate.
Manipulate.
Oh, and Sherry, you need to get me a top-notch Royal for our charity gala.
Now, don't let them palm us off with this Duke of Kent He looks like the tsar that was shot with all the kids, it's creepy.
Go, go, go, manipulate.
Sir Richard, yoo-hoo, over here, over here.
Do I have to curtsy? Of course not.
So you get a knighthood over here by kissing some asses and raising money for the riff raff, right? That's what I do in New York and nobody calls me a lady.
You want Earl Grey? Spit from heaven.
My ministers think we should swap ideas.
Yeah, right, I know all the tricks, I went to a charity gala for an incurable kids' disease here the other night, and your auctioneer, he let a hot-air balloon trip over Peter-bo-roe go for under a thousand guineas? Oh, my God.
In New York we would have had the sick kids circling, circling the table.
You know, in the wheelchairs, drooling, with the breathing tubes You know, guilt! You've got to guilt these people out.
I just think it's so exploitative.
Exploitation equals donations.
We seem to have different approaches You know, something else you want to steer clear of in this business, any charity to do with gastrointestinal Urgh.
It's a tough sell, trust me, Madonna and I have tried.
Yeah.
So what's your next gig, what's your next event, talk to me, talk to me.
It's a new charity.
Yeah.
And it's called Opportunities for the Young.
It's something Princes William and Harry are putting together.
Oh! Shut up! You got Royals? Real ones? Sherry, Sherry, get over here, I love this man, get him tickets for a Broadway show, you can give him Sarah Jessica Parker's private phone number.
Can I get a ticket for this? Yes, of course.
Yeah, OK.
We could trade some auction items, give him the dinner for 100 in Downton Abbey and the one-night stand with Jude Law.
Really? No, I'm kidding, look at his face.
You were thinking of bidding on that one, you public schoolboys.
Lucy, I need an extra ticket for the gala.
Yes.
Give her a special seat.
Table 91.
Perfect.
Thank you.
Top tier? Absolutely.
It's been most enlightening meeting you, erm Bernice, Bernice.
All right.
Well, ta ta for now, Dickie.
Yeah.
Asshole.
Looking back now, I know what I should have done with my life.
Oh, Mum, you shouldn't I should have looked at more clickbait articles about celebrities with fat thighs.
Mum, we love you, and When they're on the beach and the backs of their knees look like little bums.
When it says, "You won't believe photo number seven," promise me you'll always click on it.
Here you are.
It's Kerry Katona, and she's piled on the pounds since the exercise video.
Oh, you're an angel.
Look at that arse, good Lord.
You can zoom in like that.
Oh, why a thong, why? Why a thong? It won't be long now.
Yeah, yeah, this is where he finished with me.
And we had like a huge bull and cow.
A row.
And then And then Quick, Terry, get the recorder.
Not now, love.
Adele's trying to remember how it is to feel like shit.
And then he just threw the tray up in the air, and all this falafel was like coming down one me, all bits falling in me hair, and everyone was looking at me.
And then, and then And then what, Adele? # I'm falling # I'm fall, falling And when I stop falling, then Oh, Paul, look at me hands! # I start falling, fall, falling I'm falling all over again Oh, Paul, I feel like shit.
This is great! Woo-o-o-oo PHONE RINGS Oh! Hello, bubba, it's mama! SHE CACKLES What you doing then? You're watching Peppa Pig? How does he go? Yeah, he goes What? He goes SHE OINKS SHE CACKLES He's a genius, my kid.
Yeah, let me talk to the nanny.
Yeah, you might as well switch it off, Terry.
She's good for sod all, now.
Hey, Daniel, I'm Lindy, your Uber driver, 2.
8 stars.
Well, it was 3.
8, but it turns out you lose a star for driving the wrong way up the M1, who knew? There's been a mistake, I'll rebook, it's fine.
You don't want to do that, they've gone to surge prices.
No, it'll be cheaper to buy a car.
Well, this one, anyway.
Jump in.
Get off, get off.
I said stop fighting or I'll chuck you off the overpass! So where are we going, sweetheart? Robin Hood Airport.
Should be on the app.
Oh, I just follow the blue line, do what I'm told, Magical Mystery tour, eh? I have to be there by six.
Do planes leave at a particular time, then? Yes.
Just sit back and relax.
Jake, give the man a complimentary sweet.
Why pay childcare when you don't have to, Daniel? It's like car insurance, strictly optional.
What sort of thing do you like listening to, Daniel? We've got Wheels On The Bus, or the audio book of the Gruffalo.
Gruffalo! Are you playing £25 for this journey, little lady? I don't think so.
Wheels On The Bus, coming up.
The-e-e-e wheels on the bus Come on, Daniel, let yourself go.
Really good session, guys.
SHE TUTS SHE WHISTLES Wow.
What a day What?! You've dragged it out of me, Yvonne.
Only turns out he's got a secret bank account.
He calls it a rainy-day fund, more like sunny day in the Bahamas with the yoga teacher fund.
But But, what he doesn't know No, no, no, we've been through this, I am not comfortable with you sharing confidential patient information with me.
It's not ethical.
Yeah, no, ethics, ethics.
That's a good call.
That is a good call.
A good call, Yvonne, yeah.
I think it'd be all right if you guessed.
She's got a toy boy? Oh.
Sugar daddy? Yeah, spot on.
So he's hoovering She's on a train? Disco dancer! Building a cabinet! She's carrying something heavy? Something slippery He's dead! No! While he's carrying on with the yoga teacher, she's had her sugar daddy privately funding the kids' schooling.
Why would you not get that? Oh, Richard and Pat, you've taken the brave first step in coming here today, please come through.
I wonder what these two have been up to.
I'll tell you later.
Oh, Paul, I mean, all right, I can't help it, it's really hard, getting in the mood, to write the songs now, you know.
We've tried hanging out at the jellied-eel stall in Hoxton, drinking brown ale until I vomit up a Grammy, but This place Oh, my God I mean, look at it.
Adele was really unhappy 'ere.
This is where I was Donald Trumped.
Dumped.
I was on me George Michael.
Menstrual cycle.
And it was pissing down.
Raining.
And I was in such terrible, terrible # Misery! # You got the best of me # Misery # You really messed with me # Flowing like a river bringing up the past # Misery is here at last# Yes! Go, Adele! # When I think of you # You threw our love away # I couldn't see a thing # That I would pay and pay and pay and pay I walk on broken glass Look at me, I really am walking on broken glass, Paul.
# I stumble to the floor # The habit's hard to break # But I won't go there any more # Misery, you got the best of me # Misery, you really messed with me # With you away I see # I pay, I break, I fall # My skin it crawls with M-i-i-i-i-sery.
Yes! Book our tickets to the Grammys.
Terry, you're in economy.
Look at you, Amanda, you look wonderful.
Have you lost weight? Oh, I don't know.
Are you sure you're coping in here? I'm fine.
I tried to get you moved to an open prison.
Oh.
You know, with day release, so you could come home sometimes.
No good, I'm afraid.
Bloody Home Office! Bastards.
How are the children? Great, great, yeah Toby's still drumming.
Is he? Won't do it in the garage, though, likes to do it in his room.
Madeleine's gone vegan.
Good for her health, I suppose, but I am making three dinners now.
With Leo not eating vegetables.
Or bread.
You have coped so well this year.
Yes, yes.
I never realised how much driving around you did.
Listen, I feel terrible about you being stuck in here.
Taking the rap for me and everything.
It's fine, it's fine, we agreed.
It was wrong.
I should never have made you lie.
Amanda, I think I'm going to tell the truth.
No.
You can't! You could come straight home, and I could get banged up.
You'd be disbarred! You'd never work as an accountant again.
I know, but I could retrain, I could learn a new skill in prison.
Pentonville's plumbing course is one of the best in the country.
I can't let you do it, you'd get three years.
Three years? I thought it'd only be 18 months.
Ronan and Rafferty will have left home by then, and if I misbehaved I'm sure they'd probably make me do the full term! Get a grip on yourself.
We made a plan and we're going to stick to it.
No, I'm going to confess! You're not, you're going to man up, you're going to make the packed lunches, you're going to take them to the clarinet lessons, and go to Peppa Pig World in the rain.
I can take it any more! Anyway, it'd be your word against mine.
No.
Now, I've got a pottery class to go to.
So why don't you just run along.
And anyway, haven't you got the twins' birthday party? Four hours at the Wacky Warehouse? Oi! Sanders! Any more of that, and you'll be losing all your parole.
# Heads and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes And eyes and ears and mouth and CAR HORN BEEPS All right! The airport is sort of back that way.
We're picking up my Frank.
It's about work-life balance, Daniel.
I'm a mother first, and a highly-professional Uber driver second, and an exotic dancer third.
You wish! SHE LAUGHS Frank, move your arse, this man is going on holiday.
It's a thermoplastics conference.
Not my idea of a holiday, but each to his own.
Budge up, Daniel, there's a love.
You win? Don't ask.
Oh, God, you honk, didn't you have a shower? Showers are minging in there.
Quick, give him a coating of Lynx Africa.
I'm sorry but I'm starting to worry about my plane.
Oh, no, hang on! Now, what did I need? Dog food, bin bags, bog roll.
I'm back in two secs.
What? No, wait! Are you going to give Mummy five stars? No.
If you don't give Mummy five stars, we'll say you did things.
Is the 148 due? Oh, one's just left.
Oh.
They threw me off it last week.
Me, Germaine Greer.
A famous author and regular on the Newsnight Review! Yes, they said that my views offended the driver.
You know, the one who is in transition.
Sorry? One of the drivers on the 148, he's a man becoming a woman, an M to F, as you say.
Your son, he's an M.
I assume he's a boy? They don't have to decide until there are at least four nowadays.
He might want to change, especially if you live in North London.
It's always been a liberal bastion.
That's where I met a lot of the intellectual anarchists I had sex with back in the day.
Like Martin Amis, with whom I hit the alfresco G spot on Hampstead Heath in 1972.
Mind you, I had a body back then like a Greek goddess, and a quim like Charlotte Rampling's on the front of Helmut Newton's coffee-table book.
Oh, that's right, sir.
I said quim.
Slang for female genitalia, vulva, vagina, 1735, perhaps 1610s.
And you're going to say I'm being politically incorrect, talking about body parts in front of a young child, who has every right to become a trans-fluid tween.
LGBTIQHA.
You have to say the lot these days, otherwise you are labelled an RTOWWAGM.
That's a racist, trans-phobic old woman with a grey minge.
Oh, that's right, sir, I said minge, it's another word for quim, late 19th century, origin unknown.
Oh, it's you, M to F driver! I was just trying to tell you last week before you rudely ejected me that if they required you to have a uterus ovary transplant, you'd baulk at the whole thing.
You try being an old woman, for goodness' sake, who refuses to walk on eggshells! Don't get old, that's the biggest sin of all! It just feels so weird finally saying that out loud.
I've just been carrying it around for so long and Simon, can you just I've got to do something I'll be right back.
Yvonne! You'll never believe Oh Yvonne! You won't believe what he's just told me.
He is secretly in love with his twin brother's wife! He has been for 20 years, but he's bottled it up inside and she's got feelings for him, too, he reckons.
She gave him a look, Christmas '98, and he's never told a living soul till just now.
Oh! That's him! That's him, there.
Good session, Simon.
Same time next week.
# Here's the story of a blended family # With some kids of his and some kids of her own.
# And this lady has never been so happy # 'Cause she spent far too long with a stingy Rolling Stone.
This way.
Surprise! Wow-ee! This looks bonza! It's date night.
Ah! When I asked the kids to give us a night on our own, they just shot out the door.
It's just goes to show how much they love us.
Oh, I feel so lucky.
I want this marriage to be going strong when we're old and wrinkled.
Hey presto, your wish is granted! Funny.
As well as sexy.
Great, my favourite.
Foie gras and Fosters.
Oh, I remember one night when I was out to dinner with Mick, oh, and he got really mad when it came to splitting the bill because he hadn't had a starter and I had and then when I told him I'd forgotten his book of two-for-one coupons, he went crazy.
'Cause Mick sure did love a coupon! He couldn't have his free profiteroles that night and, oh, there was just hell to pay! Mick doesn't know when he's got it good.
That's the problem with the younger generation.
My wonderful man mogul! You know, if you said you were cold, I'd wrap my arms around you.
If you said you are thirsty, I'd give you the oceans blue.
I would give you anything.
The moon, the stars, the sunset, too.
Oh, Rupert, that's so beautiful! Apparently, Hugh Grant left that message on some hooker's voicemail.
You're kidding? Oh, yeah.
Happy date night, Sweetie! Bottoms up.
Oh, well, let's just have dinner first.
Oh! Would you like a drink, Nicola? It is sundown, the cocktail hour, though it's hard to see through our thick Scottish mist.
I'll have an Arbroath Kiss, if you're making.
What's an Arbroath Kiss? One part whiskey, one part Irn Bru, with a big piece of smoked haddock floating in it.
You know, wee Mhairi, it's not easy being a Scottish woman with a vision.
You have to stand tall in the face of mocking English voices.
You have to hold on to your dream.
There you go.
Shaken, not stirred.
# Referendum-dum-dum # For a Scottish kingdom-dom # Nearly won the last one-one # We were robbed, we were done-done-done-done # Refer-endum # When I was a bairn # In a wee little tartan kilt # I knew that our proud nation should be rebuilt We know you did, we know you did we know you did Away and boil your heid.
# Then I grew up and I let out a cry # It's time for the world to live and och aye # Live and och aye # It's the Isle of Skyefall # Shortbread finger # From Kirkcaldy with love SHE SHIVERS # Nobody knits it better # A beautiful Fair Isle sweater # A dried haggis lasts forever # Right now, Scotland's just a wee small land # But I'm going to make it a global brand # With oat cakes, salmon, Irn Bru but best of all # I want a worldwide Edinburgh Festival # Worldwide Edinburgh worldwide Edinburgh Festival Scotland has given the world William Wallace, Alexander Bell, Rabbie Burns, The Proclaimers! And in my future global Scotland, each child will receive free bagpipes! England will be turned into a two-million-hole golf course, with extended parking! Spread our humble Isle across the nation! Alex Salmond! Whiskey! Golf! Scotland's fantastic, Nicola.
But you didn't mention the oil? Don't talk about that just now, Mhairi.
But Shut it.