Trollied (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You can't beat our prices.
Just stop that now.
If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two for ones.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco.
I wasn't ready.
Valco - serves you right.
Valco - serves you right.
You want to get something for that sniff of yours.
Like a kick up the arse.
I've told you, I've got the flu! Influenza is a viral infection characterised by fever, muscle pain and coughing.
You, on the other hand, have every symptom of being a work-shy pansy.
What are you now, a doctor? Eh, I could be.
A good butcher is an expert in anatomy.
I'd actually be qualified to perform certain operations.
You know appendix.
Tonsils.
Minor organ transplants.
Well you can keep your minor organ away from me.
I'll take your temperature if you like.
Bend over.
Oh, I bet Emma made you come in, didn't she to impress the new boss? Margaret! Oh wasn't I supposed to say anything, love? Oh I'm sorry.
Me and my mouth - we're a right pair.
So we're missing Brenda, Kelly B, Kelly D, Kelly H, Christine and Sue - plus the others still off sick from yesterday.
What are people made out of these days? Feathers? I've had bronchitis, hepatitis, two bouts of scarlet fever and I've never missed a day's work in my life.
Same here.
I delayed having my tonsils out just so I could go to my sister's wedding.
Anyway, I fear we have a major staffing crisis on our hands, Lorraine.
Let me stop you there.
Not a crisis.
An opportunity.
Right.
And do you know why it's an opportunity, Julie? Absolutely.
Opportunity? Good girl.
You won't be so full of yourself when you catch this.
Never gonna happen, mate.
This body is a fortress.
People call me the Fluminator.
Name one person that calls you the Fluminator.
Apart from you.
You know what people used to do in my day when they got flu? What? Die.
That's a very unusual tune you're humming there, Neville.
It's very loud.
And tuneless.
Ah, well you see, that's because I'm in a really good mood today, Katie.
It's my daughter's birthday party later and Mum's solicitor said I can actually go this time.
That'll be nice.
As long as I don't crash the car again.
Won't forget that birthday in a hurry.
Ooh, not got the dreaded lurgy have you? No, it's fresher's week.
I tell you, I do not like doing tequila shots, urgh.
Oh, me neither.
I did about ten once, one after the other.
I'm amazed I woke up, I really was! Wow, sounds like your uni days were full-on then? Oh, that wasn't at uni, that was six months ago.
Bit of a dark day.
Still, got through it! All in one piece! Good to see some healthy souls.
Actually Lorraine, Kieran was just saying he felt like shite and wished he'd stayed at home.
You can go and lie down in my office if you like, Kieran love.
I'll nurse you.
I'm fine! If you're not well you shouldn't have come in.
You could infect the customers.
Or the staff.
Or me! Now, as you may be aware we have a crisis on our hands.
An opportunity on our hands.
We need extra cover around the store and this is your chance to dazzle us by showing the other strings to your bow! Margaret, we'd like you to go on Customer Services.
What! Front of house? Ooh I'll go and put my lippy on.
Andy, we'd like you to go on the Deli, and Kieran, you'll be staying on meat counter.
Sounds like an exciting opportunity.
Hang on hang on, I am a trained craftsman.
Asking me to work on the Deli Counter would be like asking a brain surgeon to work on the Deli Counter.
No time for ifs, buts or bollocks Get your arses in gear and show us what you can do.
Lorraine, perhaps we should put in a quick call to Gavin? Why? Well he is our Area Manager and If we go calling Gavin every time we cough, sneeze or fart he'll be all over us like a Greek waiter.
Is that what you want? Gavin's hairy hands grabbing your arse every five minutes? I wouldn't call them hairy.
Gavin's hands are like a teenager's.
You do recall our little chat about loyalty don't you? Yes.
If we show Gavin we can handle things, he'll leave us well alone.
We'll probably won't see him more than once a year.
Once a year? Alright? Mmm hmm.
What you doing for lunch? Depends.
What's on the menu? Um.
Cock sandwich.
Oh yeah? Will it be hot? Oh you can only eat it hot.
Does it get served in a bun? Bring your own buns.
And does it come with a creamy sauce? Uhh yeah, if you want? Like, ketchup or somat? I didn't mean an actual sauce, you knobbo.
Look d'you want a shag or not? Loading bay, five minutes.
Safe.
What? Good morning and welcome to Valco this day.
Ooh, I feel like the Queen.
Do you know it's so different on here, Linda.
And I keep turning round expecting to see Andy.
And it's not it's you, Linda! Right, yeah.
Do you know? You must get home a lot earlier than us because, you're that much nearer exit, aren't you? I don't know about that, but you do have to deal with a lot more divs wanting refunds.
Oh Come on.
Is it broken, love? I met this guy last night, and he said he'd give me a ring.
Ooh.
Handsome was he? Not really.
But I still want him to ring.
You know what it's like? We've still go two tills shut.
Who have we got that can jump on? Get thingy over there lanky lad.
Oh actually, Lorraine, I don't think the till is the best place for Leighton.
He gets confused by numbers.
And certain colours.
First rule of business, give the little shites a chance to shine.
I really, really don't think that Leighton should go on the tills.
Gavin always used to say that that Leigh Happy birthday, Alice.
It's your dad, in a card! I can't wait to see her face when she gets this card.
It's going to knock her socks off.
What you getting your daughter for her birthday? Well I always promised I'd get her another pony.
You know the last one got repossessed.
Those bailiffs don't miss a trick, do they? Agh, what is it with me and leaky pens? Alright? Well I've had two hours sleep and I nearly threw up on a customer.
Apart from that, I'm fine.
I've got the flu n'all.
Join the club.
I haven't got flu.
I'm hungover.
I went to go see the Horrors, at the union, last night.
The Horrors? No? Sorry.
Not down with the kids, me.
Happy birthday, Alice.
It's your dad, in a card! It's brilliant.
It's me, it's me, it's my I think I'm still pissed.
Didn't get in till five.
Five? Sorry, Dad! We can't all be settled down like you.
Some of us like to stay out past midnight.
Alright, Lindsay Lohan.
Listen to you two.
You're like a pair of bickering love birds.
I met my ex in the workplace.
Third floor coffee point.
She dropped a boiling kettle on my trousers.
In hindsight, probably a bad omen.
We're not a couple, Neville.
We're just mates.
Oh.
I just I better erm I'll see you later.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, Alice.
It's your dad, in a card! Oh not again.
Come on.
Happy birthday, Alice.
That's it! It's kaput.
Baked Beans.
Baked Beans.
Tomato soup.
Tomato soup.
How does it do that! How does it DO that!? How does it There you go.
Thank you.
Tofu.
I'll shower when I get home but I'll still feel dirty inside.
Urgh the nerve putting me on the Deli Counter.
Would they ask a Navy Seal to work in a toy store? I don't think so.
You ever heard of a band called the Horrors? What? No.
Oh maybe, I dunno.
Are they like the Killers? They sound similar.
Why did I ask you? I'm surprised you've even heard of The Killers.
Hey, I've done more than heard of them.
Their drummer broke down outside my house once.
Used my phone.
Didn't have any change on him so he gave me a cymbal.
So the good news is that three can come back in tomorrow and um, only one of the night shift has phoned in sick.
See, aren't you glad now we didn't phone Gavin? Erm yes, I suppose I am, actually.
Great wet streak of piss - God knows how he got to be made area manager.
You know what, Julie? When we first met, I thought you were the type who'd fall in a barrel of cocks and come out sucking her thumb.
But now Now I quite like you.
Oh well that's um Thanks Lorraine.
I like you too.
You remind me of myself.
Really? Just kidding love.
We're like shit and shoe polish you and me.
But you did mean the other thing? About liking me.
You'll do for me, flower.
No thanks, I don't smoke.
Started when I were twelve.
Me old man used to buy me a pack every week.
"Get 'em smoked or you'll get no bastard tea.
" Oh come on then, give one bloody well here.
Hello sir.
Hey, woah, hang on a second.
I think there's two for one on these.
YEAH! It's two for one.
Go and get another one, it's free.
It's free! Oh! I think I'm going to be sick.
Take my advice love, smoke your way through it.
Hold my hand, Lorraine! Margaret.
Margaret are you alright? Oh bugger off, Sharon.
No of fence, love but you have really let yourself go.
Oh ha-ha-ha that's hilarious.
I think my sides have split.
I just wanted to congratulate you on your promotion to the Deli Counter.
It's not a promotion.
Not yet.
But fingers crossed, eh? Fingers crossed.
Ooh you've got little, tiny fingers? Oh give over.
Ah, they're all delicate.
Like a little China Doll.
Oh yeah, says Jimmy Krankie! Alright, don't get your little lady fingers in a twiddle! Oh just bugger off, Sharon! Oh great.
Would you like help packing, sir? No I'm fine.
It's that fella from last night! Didn't think I'd hear from him again.
Oh hang on, let me get me glasses.
Oh no.
Margaret.
What? Right, let's have a look.
"Urr dud fut.
" Is he foreign love? It says U R Dead fit! Aww.
Shall I text him back? Oh don't ask me, love.
It's all a whirl to me.
Mobile televisions.
Flat computers.
Argos.
No, I meant does it make me look too keen? It's from him again.
Is that a photo, love? Yeah.
That's a funny moustache.
That's not his face, Margaret.
Oh! Was it The Horrors you said you went to see last night? Yeah.
Why? Nothing.
Just, I remembered I went to see them a while back.
Oh right.
What did you think? Yeah, pretty good.
They did stuff off er, Primary Colours, their last but one album.
Weird how this morning you didn't know who they were and now you're like Zane Lowe or something.
Just So if I looked at your phone there wouldn't be a Google search for The Horrors? No.
Let's have a look then.
You sad git.
They're shit anyway.
You got something - Hey! Oh oh.
Are you gonna pay for that? Yeah, yeah, just Twat.
You are what you eat.
She thinks she's so bloody funny.
She is funny, sometimes.
Whose side are you on? It's not a competition.
It doesn't matter if Sharon's funnier than you.
She is not funnier than me.
That is physically impossible.
What, cos she's a woman? No.
Well for one thing, I've trained as a clown.
You trained as a clown? What, at some clown school? It was a DVD.
It came with a magazine.
About clowns.
Very detailed.
Look you can't be top dog all the time.
Sometimes you've got to go to bed and put down your bone.
I am not going to bed and I am not putting down my bone! I'm the funny one here and that's that.
Right that's it.
That is it! Eh, eh! Yeah, very good that Sharon.
You might want to bake something that reminds us of you.
Oh yeah like what? Short bread.
Yeah, keep going, Oscar Wilde.
Actually I was gonna make an Andy Richmond pie.
Full of fat with a tiny portion of meat and two veg.
Don't laugh.
Sorry.
Where did you get your joke book from? Poundstretchers? Why is it so hard to find a decent fella? You're a lovely lass.
You just have to be patient.
I used to think like that.
Then one day I was in this shoe shop in Chadderton, and this handsome man walked in and he asked for a pair of size eight insoles.
Was that your Alan? It was yeah.
I took one look at his Cuban heels and I thought "That is the man I want walking beside me for the rest of my life.
" That's dead romantic.
Aww, it must be nice being your age.
Not having to deal with all this rubbish.
Yeah well you want to see me trying to get out of bath.
Must be great behind that meat counter.
I was wondering though, What's it like working next to a mincer? What's it like working next to a A pair of doughnuts? I thought fat people were supposed to be funny? You're lucky you're a woman! Yes, so are you.
I'm a lady's man, don't you worry about that.
Oh give over! The last woman to see you naked was your mum.
And even she used to bath you with her eyes closed.
My Mum's dead.
Right.
You're out of order.
I didn't know.
I was just just having a laugh.
Yeah well nobody's laughing now, are they? Had you going! Your faces! That's not funny.
It's a rug pull! Comedy classic.
Jesus, Andy.
Ah, you know what to call me now, Kieran - Top Dog.
Unbelievable.
Are you in charge here? I am the deputy manager of this store, madam.
How can I be of assistance? I want to know how my lad got sold this.
I can assure you that he didn't buy it here.
Valco has a very strict "Think 21" policy.
Hello again, sir! How old did you think those lads were, Leighton? Well I did ask them a couple of times, and they said they were 30.
But I thought if you can't buy a drink when you're 30, when can you buy a drink? They were in school uniform.
What were you thinking? I was thinking about my old school uniform.
They've swapped the badge it's on a different side now.
You could've lost us our license, you daft bastard.
Leighton.
Don't go near the tills again.
OK? Got it, Julie.
Now best get back to work.
But not near those tills! I hope this isn't out of turn for me to say, Lorraine, but I did try to tell you Did you, Julie?! Did you really? Ta da! Ah, been shopping? Yes, it's for my daughter's birthday.
I couldn't afford to get her a pony, so I got her the next best thing.
A book about ponies.
Well, it's about horses really.
Are you sure you're alright, Neville? You're not coming down with this bug are you? No, no, I've just been rushing about is all.
No there's no way I'm being ill, not tonight.
Besides I've had my flu jab.
I had to.
My ex won't let me in the house if I'm ill.
She's had a baby.
Lovely little thing so I've heard.
I've been thinking about what you said.
And you're right, Margaret.
Am I? I'm gonna be patient and wait for the right man to come along.
I texted that knobhead from last night and told him to go sling his hook.
What did you do that for? But you said Don't be too fussy, love.
You'll end up living on your own like a Brenda.
Like a what? My Alan's second cousin, Brenda.
She turned down two marriage proposals, then choked to death on some coronation chicken.
It was weeks before we found her.
It were a terrible business.
Terrible smell.
Oh, how can I help love? Hi, I'd like to return this top please.
Yes.
All the deliveries are in now except for the No Nonsense turkey mince.
They left it on the palettes too long and it turned.
Gavin! Ah, Lorraine.
Oh, ah, Julie.
Gavin.
I wasn't expecting to see you for another four weeks.
I was in the area, so I thought I'd you know, pop on by, see if everything was tickety boo.
I'll just leave you two Stay where you are Julie.
Shut the door.
Everything's going fine, Gavin.
Smooth as a baby's backside.
Right, well yes I know that there's this, this nasty bug going round so I thought I'd see if you had any problems? Isn't it funny? It's like you know everything that's going on round here without even being told.
Well, maybe it's one of my special skills.
Must be! Oh, there was a little something with an under age lad buying alcohol Really? Oh, I had no idea.
But that's been sorted.
Well, as long as no harm was done There wasn't.
And lessons were learned They were.
And Leighton doesn't work on the tills anymore, then we're all happy.
How did you know it was Leighton? Well I I don't.
It was just a guess.
Incredible.
Thank you.
Pleasure.
One seventy and your receipt.
Thank you.
Is it hot in here? Not really.
Are you sure you're not feeling ill, Neville? No, no, not me.
Not today.
Do you want a paracetamol Oh, no, no I can't take those, thank you.
They make me spasm.
I don't look ill, do I? She won't let me in if I do.
You look great, Neville.
Ahh, brilliant.
I can't wait for tonight.
It's going to be the best.
I was right, wasn't I? About what, Lorraine? About today being an opportunity.
Oh I learned all sorts of things about certain people.
Night, Julie.
Sharon.
Oi! See ya.
Night, Katie.
Night.