Ugly Americans (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

People are most afraid when they have to deal with change.
Huh? [All roaring.]
[Gunshot.]
But eventually, you adapt and the mundanity of life hits you square in the face.
They're coming! The zombies are gonna tear us apart! No, you moron.
They're doing a 10k fun run to raise awareness for zombies without graves.
It's a worthy cause.
Sorry.
I didn't know.
I just moved to the city.
Well, let me give you a big New York welcome.
Hit it, Doug.
[Tires screeching.]
[Groaning.]
[horn honks.]
Everyone, Murray is new in town, so let's give him a big New York welcome.
[Applause.]
None of you freaks get any funny ideas, especially you! Take what you want.
Just don't hurt me.
Murray, humans are just a small part of the fabric of New York.
The city is full of all sorts of interesting creatures.
We all live peacefully under the integration treaty.
So your fear of them is actually really insulting.
Poppycock! I've heard demons talking about the end of days.
It's part of their culture.
Demon history is full of failed end of days plots.
Lights? conjured an earthquake meant to split the planet.
However, it ended up creating the grand canyon, one of our nation's most majestic natural treasures.
What a putz.
Vilmore the unsightly worked for years to open up a demonic portal, but instead of sucking people into the ninth circle of hell, it sent them to sandals resort in Martinique.
I still don't understand the rules for tipping at resorts.
Today demons are fully integrated but still celebrate their heritage with an annual end of days war pre-enactment in Times Square.
Whoever wants to participate is assigned a role.
I've never been, but I hear it's quite a party.
So what do you say? How about you hand over the gun? Not a chance! [Gunshot.]
[Screaming.]
Whoa! Oh, not again.
I should really get bars for this window.
Mark Lilly to Twayne's office.
What's going on? Twayne's having a meltdown.
"Twayne boneraper, you have been drafted "into Satan's dark army to serve as a pre-enactment foot soldier.
" Oy.
His mother's been getting him out of service for the last 50 years.
I had no idea Twayne was 70 years old.
Very smooth skin for a demon his age.
You can see it in the eyes.
[Sobbing.]
What's going on, buddy? Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Just spinning some wax.
I head about your draft letter.
Are you okay? Oh, yeah, totally cool.
I'm just gonna pay the fine.
Look I'm not sure this is my business, but there must be a root cause for you not wanting to go down there.
I can't poop away from home.
Oh, very close to the surface.
Am I normal? Fecal withholding, generally not common among the senior set.
Oh, God.
I hate being a grown-up.
You know what I think? The real constipation isn't down there.
It's up here.
You mean I have poop in my heart? Something important feels out of control.
So you are controlling your poop instead.
Hear that? I'm controlling you.
Twayne, if you don't confront your fears now, you may never have full fecal freedom.
Is that a thing? The three "f"s.
Look it up.
[Fanfare music.]
This week in great bonerapers, general twesley boneraper, a glorious bastard.
Born to his mother, bilet boneraper, and her dashing sex partner Scott, general was the runt in a litter of eight.
His seven brothers in descending order of greatness are Twilliam, Twarren, Twalter, Twinston, Twallace, the unfortunately named Twatson, and the least impressive, Twayne.
Aren't they repulsive? With twesley boneraper at the helm, nothing will stop our boys down below.
I didn't know that Twayne's brother is the general or that they still make newsreels.
Head cheese whiz and onions? My treat.
What an unprecedented act of generosity.
Okay, that completes the wooing portion of our meeting.
Word on the street is, you're counseling the general's brother on his turd issues.
How the heck would you know that? Have you been bugging me again? Damn it! Listen, Mark, I don't want to be an extra in the pre-enactment this year.
I want Twayne to get me a speaking role.
I don't have that kind of pull.
You'll have to audition like everyone else.
I refuse to audition.
I can't go through another casting couch situation.
Get Twayne to sign this contract I drew up.
You took my hot dog, so you are obligated to do this.
It's called a hot dog promise, and it's legally binding, Mark.
[Farting.]
Can we discuss this later? Here he comes.
Hey, Twayne.
How are we feeling? Really backed up.
Could ride down the escalator with me? It would mean a lot to see a friendly face before I get on the bus.
He would be delighted.
Just sign here, and you're good to go.
Huh, turns out I didn't need you at all, roomie.
I'll take the hotdog money out of your sock drawer.
I'm not sure I'm wiping the same way.
Are you supposed to go front to back, 'cause I've been trying side to side, and that feels wrong.
Look at me.
You are overthinking this.
If everyone weren't judging me all the time, I'd be a lot more relaxed.
Those are your issues talking.
No one is paying any attention to you.
Trust me.
There he is! - That's him! - The least impressive! How does it feel to know you're gonna fail? Why did you take so long to report? On the record, Twayne, why are you a coward? Grr! Well, well, well.
Look who decided to show up an hour late dressed in a female track suit with the fugliest slave I've ever seen! Private boneraper reporting for duty, sir.
I'm sorry.
Did you say "slave"? [Chuckles.]
Yeah, sorry I kind of tricked you.
They st me this list of stuff to bring.
Get on the bus, maggot! And into the slave compartment with you, soft body.
I'm gonna take a pass.
Karate chop! [Screaming.]
He'll never survive boot camp.
All right, you ass-grabbing clowns.
I've got three weeks to train the ass-grabbing out of you before the end of days war pre-enactment! What do you have to say for yourself? Here's a list of my favorite foods and dietary restrictions, sir! Now listen here, celebrity.
I don't make no lattes.
We will not leak any sex tapes to the press.
We will rsvp no to diddy's white party.
Is that clear? Um, I think there's been some sort of grievous error.
I'm not t supposed to be here.
Boneraper! Your slave just addressed me directly.
Esophagus kick! [Buzzing.]
[Groaning.]
No! That's permanent.
Here's your hunk of bread.
Some water usually puddles on the floor.
Psst, it's piss.
Grimes, how in the hell can they do this to us? Last year, we led the human resistance to victory.
This year, we're slaves.
What part don't you get? Uh, all of it.
Hey, man, don't talk to me.
Talk to your master.
You mean Twayne.
And when do I get to talk to him again? Never.
It's punishable by death.
Mm, that's good.
Once the humans are subjugated, we will have to win the hearts and minds of the survivors whether they like it or not.
Thank you, sir.
May I have another? You got it, slave.
Twayne, I know I am risking my life, but I advised you as a therapist.
Forced enslavement isn't a healthy response.
I agree.
I'm going awol on the count of three.
One, two [Gasps.]
Are you teaching your slave to count? [Whistle blows.]
[Screaming.]
In Satan's dark army, it is supremely important to stay regular.
Loose but classic.
Why in Satan's name is a soldier's bowel movement of any interest to your superior officers? I don't know, but quick, give me a baby Ruth.
Huh? Boneraper! Where the hell is your turd? Still in my tummy, sir! Private, drop me a fat, steaming log right now.
[Grunting.]
Tell me you're at least crowning.
That's it.
He has some bowel withholding issues.
I demand to speak to your director of social services.
Absolutely.
Step into his office.
I see what's going on here.
I must warn you.
I've made frequent use of the pull-up bar at the ymca.
[Grunting.]
Boot stomping! Enough.
Atten-hut! General in the [Bleep.]
Er.
Well selected, brother.
Your slave has exquisite ass hands.
[Screaming.]
Get on your feet, ass bearer! Wha where am I? Get his ass in the air.
You're gonna get us in trouble.
What is the holdup down there? [Whimpering.]
Gently, ass bearer.
Gently.
He's good, very good.
Maybe the best I've ever seen.
General, nice to see you.
Less than 48 hours to the end of days pre-enactment.
Let's get started.
Shall we? Huh? Randall, thank God.
Did you get my s.
O.
S.
? I traded my shoes to get it out through the underground.
Oh, no, I got it.
I threw it in the garbage, the way you tossed away my hot dog promise.
Will you let that go? You'll be carried in over here.
Royal port-a-potty will be waiting over here.
And who's our luck ass hands this year? This one here.
Wunderbar.
You will lower the general's ass gently over here, cupping it all the way up the red carpet to the port-a-potty.
I have no idea what any of this means.
Port-a-potty? Get your hands off my slave! [Engine sputtering.]
Okay.
Whoa, steady! I can do this.
The ass bearer has escaped.
The ass bearer has escaped.
Ah! Whoa! My brother will pay for this.
Are you talking about me? Of course I am, the least impressive one.
Ahh! As punishment for losing your slave, you have been sentenced to death by genital stinging.
Release the bees.
A few good bees.
Wait! The ass bearer has returned.
More like "ass betrayer.
" Seize him! You've abandoned us for the last time.
I didn't abandon you.
Your father did! [Both gasping.]
The boneraper anal fixation is directly connected to massive abandonment issues.
Gentlemen, I present your father, Scott.
Daddy's home! Hello, children.
You're looking You both look well.
By jove! Something wonderful is happening.
It's gonna be a gusher.
[Gurgling noises.]
False alarm.
It's crawling back up.
Oh, drat.
Now you've scared mine off.
Give them some encouragement.
But I don't know what to say.
This is such a weird situation.
You're doing fine, children.
Uh, I can smell it from here.
In all my 70 years, I've never been happier! Why didn't I wear a condom? [Farting noises.]
Now if you'll excuse me.
I'm going to my cell to get some sleep.
Total waste of a hot dog.
[Sighs.]
Mark! I did it! Why are you covered in blood? I've murdered my brother and claimed my rightful place as general of Satan's dark army.
Good cricket.
I've created a monster.
A monster who can poop and behead like a big boy.
I want you to have this as a token of my appreciation.
All: All hail boneraper! All hail boneraper! All hail boneraper! All hail boneraper! My brother died as he lived, angry, bitter, and full of hate.
He's gone now, and we must carry on as he would have wanted.
Release crow in parentheses.
[Cawing.]
Tomorrow we invade earth and accomplish what my brother could never do: The complete destruction of humanity! [Crowd cheering.]
[Explosion.]
They have nukes in a pre-enactment? Ahh! My God, it's happening! The end of the world! Ahh, no! Don't eat at! Ow, ow! General boneraper, I'm pleased to report that all troops loyal to your brother have been completely wiped out.
My allegiance is with you, sir.
Lead me to my bath.
[Claps twice.]
Slave! [Door clicks shut.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What do I do now? I've never been so empty.
Am I dying? How do you make poop? You did this to me.
Do you just wait? I'm in uncharted waters here.
If you could just bear with me, last time I was conscious, I thought we were in a good place with your family issues.
The fratricide/ military coup development seems like a step back.
Of course you'd think that.
You don't know the full story.
Let's start at the beginning.
It turns out, the poop was blocking an old memory.
Months after I was bor I had missed out on feeding time.
So I had to find something else to satisfy my hunger.
Twilliam was the first.
He was the biggest.
So I needed to catch him by surprise.
After my first kill, the others were easy, especially poor Twatson, who welcomed death.
As I w about to finish out the litter, that'when daddy Scott abandoned me.
Huh? Poppy? Need a pack of smokes.
Be back in a pip.
[Farting noises.]
I don't want to offend you any further.
But it sounds like maybe daddy Scott was fleeing for his life.
Oh, you're an amazing therapist.
I'll die without you, and you'll die if you ever leave my side.
Let the apocalypse begin! [Screaming.]
Pull! Pull! [Laughs.]
Pull! Oh, my God, no! Lookee there.
He sawed off his own arm.
Only in New York.
Okay, let's walk through the ceremony one more time.
The humans realize that the pre-enactment is real and will try to escape in vain.
What? And, Twayne, the ball is actually a nuke.
And after it drops I press the button, killing every last filthy human.
Ooh! Sounds like we're good to go.
Callie, honey, we have to get out of here.
You have 15 minutes before I'm forced to eat you, the awkward ending to the relationship I think we've both always feared.
[Whimpering.]
Oh, thank God.
Finally someone will believe me.
You were right all along! The end is near.
[Screaming.]
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
[Screaming.]
Help! They're coming! The apocalypse is here! It's really the end of the world.
Come with me if you want to live.
Humanity rests on your shoulders, Lilly.
You created this monster.
Now you must destroy him.
Mark, I want this shave close.
The lights are going to be bright, and those are hd cameras.
Sayonara, boneraper.
[Gunshot.]
Oh, my God! [Screaming.]
Please tell me that's hot wax.
Mark? That was an attempt on your life, sir.
Permission to take the slave out? Abandoned again.
Permission granted.
Bring me my fancy battle pants.
Welcome to the end of days.
I'd like to thank mayor bloomberg for being so hospitable.
He says, "you're welcome.
" I'd also like to say hello to my demonic bride to be.
Hi, honey.
Mm, my first Croatian.
Oh, it tastes like serbian.
And lastly, to my dear beloved father, I forgive you, daddy Scott.
No, no, no! [Screaming.]
Now let's drop the ball and count down to the end of days.
[Cheers and applause.]
And farewell, general Twayne boneraper.
Ten, nine, eight I dare say I hardly knew ye.
Six, five, four, three, two, one! Aim for his heart, Lilly.
[Gunshot.]
Ow, somebody shot my ear! Somebody shot my ear! Who the hell is using live ammunition? This ass[Bleep.]
Up here! [Groaning.]
Worst pre-enactment ever.
I'm distancing myself from this mess.
I knew he'd try something stupid.
[Groaning.]
Be brave, be brave.
Whoo! I'm never pooping again.
Why would you bring a real gun to the pre-enactment? Everyone else was using marshmallow bullets.
I don't see how a person is supposed to know something like that, but It's all in the script.
If you'd bother showing up for the table read, maybe you'd know.
[Clears throat.]
It's right here.
"Humanity rests on your shoulders.
"You created this monster.
Now you must destroy him.
" Then you say your line.
"What separates us from the demons if not our ability to control ourselves?" But I never said that.
Exactly.
You missed every [Bleep.]
Line.
What are you doing alive, anyway? I saw your head explode.
Old party trick.
All you need is a papier-mache head, a hand pump, and really strong neck muscles.
Watch.
Ugh.
Oh, I pulled my jugular.
Being the most hated man in New York gives you a new perspective on life.
You seek out peace and quiet.
So what do you want for lunch? What do you want for lunch? Lunch! And you're comforted by the fact that time heals all wounds.
[Screeching.]
But you also realize, why throw away a perfectly good lady's ankle gun?