Undateable (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

Good morning, everyone.
Why is she in pajamas? I'm letting Candace stay upstairs for a couple days 'cause of what's going on in her apartment building.
Oh, thank you.
Good, 'cause if it was pajama day and nobody told me, I'd be pissed.
Justin, one more thing.
Um, I found something out by the dumpster, and I wanted to know if I could keep it.
Leslie: Ohh! Oh! I'm just the cutest little guy that's ever lived! Look, that's obviously not his voice.
Umm Uh, choosing a pretend dog voice for him is very important because that's gonna be his pretend dog voice forever.
Yeah, I think he's got a bit of the Brando about him.
You want me to poop outside? That, I cannot do.
He's obviously got a little Shepherd in him, so he is German.
Hello, everybody.
Don't be fooled by my floppy ears and adorable snout.
Even though I appear friendly, I have already poisoned all of you.
You probably want ze antidote.
But guess what You don't get it until I get a new collar and some snausages.
Fun's over.
I can't have a dog living at the bar.
I understand.
Aww.
Hey, don't give up that easy.
Here, just put the dog down and then walk away.
Justin: Okay, I know what you're trying to do, and it's not gonna work.
I'm not some kind of guy who's Wh What are you looking at? I don't Well, you can't stay here.
I Why don't you tell him what you named him? His name is Mo.
For the Motor City.
It's perfect.
I mean, you're like a-a metaphor for Detroit.
You're You're a survivor.
I Why don't you just say it? All right, the dog can stay.
But, Candace, get him a dog bed.
He's not an animal.
And get him snausages! Justin: That's right, now.
"Undateable" has a dog.
Danny: Yeah, just when you thought we couldn't get any cuter.
Hey.
You got your check for half of the rent? You know, I could mail these sometimes.
Oh, no.
Mailing checks is my thing.
I take care of the rent checks and what we watch on TV, and you do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, and nightly turndown service.
Uh What is our horrible neighbor Kevin doing here? Sorry.
Hair's still a little wet.
I'm gonna quote my favorite John Mayer song, but I'm going to change one word Your body's not a wonderland.
Danny, they shut off his water and power, so I told him that he could use ours while you're at work.
You got to stop letting everybody take advantage of you, okay? Especially this loser.
You know, I've been called a lot of stuff Disgraced doctor Kevin "Not The Father" by Maury Povich "The Father" by Maury Povich.
But I have never, ever been called a loser.
I'll just get out of here, make everybody happy.
Hey, man, aren't you gonna get your stuff? That's how he came over.
Wow.
It is freezing out here.
You know what, just just borrow my coat.
Well, thank you very much.
You're a good person, Justin.
Danny.
Okay, I took Mo to the dog shelter to make sure that he didn't belong to anyone, and he didn't, but they said that I couldn't adopt him until I had an interview.
And, I mean, look at these questions.
"Do you have a yard?" Who am I Rihanna? They're never gonna let me adopt him.
Just do what I do Lie.
Yeah.
When I was a kid, people used to lie to me all the time, and I just promised myself that when I grew up, I wouldn't do that to anyone.
I don't even know how to lie.
Well, it sounds like you need a teacher.
It's a pity the greatest liar in the world lives in London.
Oh, really? No.
That was a lie, Candace.
He's standing right in front of you.
Also a lie.
I'm actually the second-greatest liar in the world.
The first is dead.
A lie.
He's not dead.
He's in prison for lying.
Another lie.
Oh, he actually lives next door to my mum in London.
Lies.
I-I-I-I'm not even British.
I was born and raised on a farm in Ohio.
Get a notebook, start writing this down because your training's about to start.
Lie! It's already begun! British people can lie? Oh, man.
I can't believe how cold it is.
Hey, can you feel your arms? I can't believe you let Kevin take your coat, man.
Well, maybe I just wanted to wear the vest.
Why? Is there a Marty McFly look-alike contest somewhere? You got to stop letting people take advantage of you, okay? Everyone doesn't take advantage of me.
Candace is currently living in your bar.
And what about Shelly? He takes all the senior citizens at the retirement home that he works at and they come in here, and they don't pay for a thing.
Well, excuse me for caring about old folks whose families have abandoned them.
They have? Now, don't you listen to him, Mrs.
Bosma.
Your daughter loves you very much.
At least go get your coat back, okay? Okay.
Daniel, Daniel, Daniel.
I didn't give Kevin my coat to keep his body warm.
I did it to warm his heart.
See, you've read the book, but now meet the man.
I am chicken soup for the soul.
Drink me in.
Let my broth warm your insides.
Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of man-broth.
Yeah, me neither.
Lie.
Sorry, Danny, but I see the good in everybody.
And there's nothing you're gonna say that's gonna change that.
Okay.
Uh, you know how I take care of the rent checks? Mm-hmm.
And you know how we split it 50/50? Why is mine for $600 and your check's for $400? Because I've been taking advantage of you since the day we met.
You've been stealing from me?! Yeah, I immediately regret that I used that as an example.
- Leslie: Sweetie, are you okay? - I'm great.
I'm just cutting this lime into, uh, equal halves.
This looks about right, Danny, doesn't it? Oh, bro, he got you with a math burn.
Also known as "not a burn at all.
" You should know that I've been secretly paying you back, and I've been sneaking $20s into your pocket just about every day.
What? I just thought I was making more tips.
From who? Danny: I'm sorry.
But from now on, we'll split the rent 50/50.
But still, that doesn't mean you shouldn't let me have it.
So go ahead.
Lay it on me.
All right? You ready? Are you ready? 'Cause hurricane Justin is coming.
Let's go live to the scene in Detroit.
Yeah, hi, Pam.
Uh, the hurricane is taking form.
There seems to be a long-haired idiot out here who doesn't think the storm is actually coming.
Back to you, studio.
Back to you.
Uh, uh, hi.
Uh, this is Gary back at the studio.
It looks like a little, baby storm Probably just some mild precipitation.
A-and the storm won't affect a-a-anything at all.
- Actually, Gary You're wrong.
- Yeah? I can't hear you over the wind, 'cause it's It's really coming in strong.
Doesn't sound windy at all, actually, from here.
Sounds like a nice sunny day! Uh-oh.
The studio's gone.
It went away.
'Cause there's thunder.
Boom! Boom! It's so loud! Boom! Lightning! Psssh! Pssssssssh! Pssssssssssssh! Here comes the storm! Wh why do people always take advantage of me? I think you just answered your own question, man.
Look, this situation is just like Kevin and your coat, all right? People know that if they take advantage of you, there's no ramifications.
That's not true.
But if it's not true, then, uh How about this? If I took this knife right now and I stabbed you, what would you do? I saw something on "Dateline" that says most stabbings are a crime of passion.
So, to be honest, I'd be quite flattered that you cared that much.
Dude, you know what You're hopeless.
Mnh! Haah Are you whimpering right now because you're sad or because I cut your finger? The second one.
Daaah! Aah! Aah! Could we have an ambulance? My friend has been stabbed.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's just his finger.
Yeah, great.
I'll see you after lunch.
O-okay.
Uh, uh, Shelly, you work at a retirement home, right? So people must get hurt all the time there.
Just do what you do with them.
Go ahead.
Okay.
You lived a good life.
Now just go into that light.
Wha?! Danny said Justin's gonna be fine.
Guess how many stitches he got.
- Eight.
- Nope.
Guess again.
Oh, this game got old fast.
So, now we can just focus on teaching this young lady how to lie.
Honestly, honestly, you really never lie? No.
So she's like a truth bomb.
Mm.
Game on.
- Candace.
- Yeah? Uh, why is Burski the way he is? I've always believed that God has to make some weirdos, too.
And boom! Truth bomb! Candace, why does Brett insist on making jokes at his friends' expense? Uh, growing up gay and Husky I think he learned to deflect the focus off of himself and onto other people.
Pffh.
Oh, this is much better than your dumb stitch-guessing game.
Really? Hey, Candace, what do you think about an adult who still watches cartoons? Oh.
I wouldn't call that person an adult.
More of a child who never really grew up.
This game is over! I'm an adult man.
And I'm gonna take my candy and my sticker book and be on my way.
Wait, I I'm confused.
I thought you were gonna teach me how to lie so that I could get Mo back.
I don't have to teach you anything.
With that innocent, little Disney face, people will believe anything you say.
I just have to convince you to say the words.
Let me put it this way Who would take better care of Mo than you? No one.
I already got a dog bed that fits the both of us.
- Hey! - Leslie: Aww! Hey, he's back! Shelly: Hey.
Quiet down.
I believe Justin has a question.
All right, you know what He's actually in a lot of pain, so Seriously, what's your question? Justin, um Since Danny won't let me shower at your house, I just wanted to say I appreciate you letting me wash up here in the bathroom.
Took a little bit of work, but I was finally able to get myself to sit in the sink.
Daniel.
Are you kidding me? I'm just trying to show him some kindness.
Will you listen to yourself? I mean, forget Detroit.
You'd get your ass kicked on Sesame Street.
You make it impossible for me to respect you.
Don't say that.
That hurts my feelings.
Well, what are you gonna do about it, huh? Same as always Nothing.
We're following up on a That was just a mistake.
Justin, tell him.
He did it.
Come on, what are What the hell are you doing? Book him! Come on, man! I won't last a minute in there! My face is too pretty.
I'm just glad they arrested a white guy.
Do you guys think Danny's gonna be mad when he gets out of jail? You did get him out.
Shelly: On the other hand Yeah, he's gonna kill you.
So How was prison? Did you make any new friends? I'm so sorry.
I knew it.
I knew it! If I just stood here and looked at you like that little dog, I knew you'd fold and apologize.
Dude, I said I didn't respect you, and then I stabbed you.
Aren't you upset with everyone taking advantage of you? Well, what am I supposed to do, - stop believing in people? - Yes! Do you really think Kevin is gonna give you back your jacket? Absolutely! You know, once summer rolls around and he's not so attached to it.
Wha what do you want from me, Danny? Uh You know what? I wasn't prepared for this.
IWant you to look better in photos? But most of all, I want you to stop seeing the good in people, okay? Because most of the time, it's just not there.
I will, uh, stop doing that.
I'll go get my jacket back from Kevin.
Shelly, I just looked out my window, and that old woman from the retirement home is wandering around the parking lot, naked.
Oh, no.
Not again! Lie! I did it! I told my first lie! That's a lie.
My first lie was at a coffee shop.
Lie.
It was at a bakery.
Lie! It was at a pizza parlor.
Are these all gonna be small businesses? Yeah.
Brett, thank you so much.
You're my favorite.
Oh, is that a lie? You'll never know.
All right.
Well, I'm gonna go throw away everything I stand for to get a dog.
I feel really great.
Check us out, just changing people's lives.
Feels good, doesn't it? Sure does.
Uh Want to do a celebratory end-of-the-movie freeze-frame? I think I do.
Why would you do that to those two? Leslie, it's rude to talk over the credits.
Candace is an angel.
And why would you want Justin to stop seeing the good in people? We should feel like it's a gift that we have them in our lives.
We were just trying to help.
We have to make this quick because I'm on my way to the animal shelter to go pick up Mo By lying through my teeth.
Candace, I'm not gonna let you do that.
Look Before I came out, I spent so many years just lying To everyone, even myself.
That must have been really hard.
It was.
And, you know, whether it was lying to my dad about why I didn't want to go to the school dance or lying to my friend Toby about why I wanted to turn off the lights and play my new favorite game, "What part of my body is this?" I was so full of crap.
I wasn't honest with anyone.
But you don't have to do that anymore.
I know because I'm happy with who I am now.
Mostly.
Look, Candace The thing I regret most about that time in my life is that I learnt to be very, very good at lying.
And I still do it too much.
And I don't want you to go down the same path, because once you start, it's so hard to stop.
But what about Mo? Well, just because you're too sweet to lie, it doesn't mean that you don't have some dirtbag friends who won't do it for you.
Oh, Mo! - Ohh! - Oh.
To get the dog, we had to pretend to be a happily married couple, so when he put his hand on my butt, I couldn't take it off.
It wasn't that bad.
You left it there when I sat down.
I'm gonna go get you so many snausages! Ohh! Well I got my coat back.
Justin, we don't want you to change.
Yeah.
I'll never forget when we met in college.
You just came up to a lonely outsider, and you said, "Hey.
Are you stealing my bicycle?" And we still became the best of friends, and I love you for that.
And I love knowing that, since my apartment doesn't allow dogs, you're gonna let me stay here until I figure something out.
Just stay the Justin that you are.
We all want that.
Even you, Danny? You know, when I was in prison, I spent a lot of time soul-searching.
How long was he in there? You know what It actually wasn't that bad, because they put me in a cell alone and they gave me snacks and magazines.
I knew that even though I was in there that you were probably out here trying to do everything you could to get me out.
Well, my mom's new boyfriend is a lawyer, so he did do it pro bono.
I just have to call him "Dad" now.
Look, Justin, after some thought, I don't want you to change who you are.
And I know that that means that people are probably gonna end up taking advantage of you, but I'll help you out with that.
To be honest with you, I don't know if I can go back to who I was.
I mean, I ripped this jacket right off Kevin's cold Oddly hairless body.
It's a, uh It's a price tag.
You didn't go get your jacket from Kevin.
It's a new jacket.
Am I right? What can I say? You can't change me.
Well, you know what? I'm done trying.
How'd they know how to do that without even talking about it?! You guys want to go see Mo? Yeah.
Yeah.
J-bone and D-town cruisin' the city Brah browwww! What about Shelly Sorry, I forgot you You're in my heart Danny and Justin and Shelly That's better