Up All Night (2011) s02e04 Episode Script

Can I help you? Hi Gail? Uhm My wonderful wife with her heart of gold decided to let our daughter sleep in our bed a couple of days ago, Yeah, no, because she had a pretty serious sniffle.
Cause somebody left the window open all night.
Somebody already told somebody that open windows don't cause colds, viruses do.
Well, somebody spends ten minutes on web md, and suddenly they're a pediatrician, huh? Long story short, Gail, we can't get that little angel - out of our bed.
- No, we can't.
Seriously, when she spreads out it's like sleeping with a hot bean bag chair.
We haven't slept in three nights.
We're living like kidnapped journalists.
- We might kill each other.
- We might kill you, Gail.
We're kidding.
Maybe not.
So do you have a book for that? I feel like Gail was a Harry Potter poster.
I don't get that reference and I'm totally - Whoa.
- Oh, my Jerry.
- It's Jerry.
- Oh, God.
- Do you think he saw us? - I doubt it.
If he had, he'd be back here telling us about some amazing cheese shop he found.
Or some amazing jai alai workout he's doing.
All right, we gotta get outta here.
Yes, we do.
We don't need a book about parenting.
Come on, we're good at being - No, no, no.
- Where's Amy? Where's Amy? She's over there.
Okay, just Just Pss-pss-pss-pss, pss-pss-pss, pss-pss-pss-pss! Hey, she's not a cat.
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
Hey, ice cream.
Ice cream! Go get her.
You go get her.
Go in.
Go.
Reagan.
Ugh Oh, Jerry! I did not see you there at all.
Ray gun Brinkley.
There's that thing that you do.
- Hey.
- Hey, where is my old college roomie, Chris T.
Brinkley? He is right here.
Chris? Chris! Babe, we should do a radish medley.
Jerry, gosh, we were just Talking about you.
Well, I hope you were talking about my evite that you didn't respond to.
I'm roasting a pig on Saturday.
Yeah.
I'm way into poly-gas now.
- Polynesian gastronomy.
- Oh.
- Wow.
- Of course.
- It is amazing.
- Amazing.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna put you two swinos on the guest list then.
- Uh - Yeah, I'll put you on there.
Oink! Oink! All right, awesome.
- I'll see you guys.
- Wow.
- So psyched I ran into you.
- Yeah.
- We're psyched.
- Super psyched.
Are you kidding? - I found these.
- What? - Get off our jock, Gail.
- Chill out, Gail.
Are you kidding? Did you not - Like - What? - Quick question.
- Mm-hm.
Which ringtone do you like better? Air horn? Or European ambulance? I'm not in the mood for this right now, seriously.
Amy's back in our bed.
I've had no sleep.
- What's up? - Here's the thing.
I kind of agreed to host a camp-out sleepover dealio for Kyle and some other boys this weekend in my backyard.
Your apartment doesn't have a back No! - No, no, no.
- Reagan.
Reagan, come on.
You won't even notice us back there.
No.
Aside from the tents and the campfire, maybe some fireworks Would be a bad idea.
Scott, you can't handle all that.
Look Kyle's been having sort of a rough time since Connie and I split, and I just I wanna do something really fun for him.
Okay, I am saying yes because I am an amazing aunt and because I'm so tired that I've lost the ability to make smart decisions.
- Either way.
- Okay.
Oh, and a couple years ago Kyle got hooked on sleeping in our bed and what we did I'm not taking advice from my little brother.
Seriously.
I know but we figured this thing out where we could just Uh, Reagan, I'm telling you, we know Can I at least have my phone back please? I really need you as a buffer at Jerry's party though.
Come on, you gotta be here for the sleepover? Yes, I do.
Because if something goes horribly wrong, someone needs to be here to tell Scott, "I told you so.
" Well, I tried.
I dipped my toe back into the dating pool.
Not for me.
I think it's time to hang up my fancy underpants.
- Oh.
- What was wrong with this guy? Well, as you know, I am a humorous person.
- A bit of a wag.
- Yes, you are.
And a man's laughter is very important to me.
- But this guy just giggled.
- So? No, he giggled into his hand.
Like a geisha.
Wait a minute, I know where you might be able to meet some cool dudes.
Why don't you take Ava with you to Jerry's party? - Ooh, Jerry, what's he like? - Oh, no, no, no.
Not for Jerry.
No, no, no, no, no.
That guy's too much.
He's always into something and it's always really "amazing.
" Yeah.
Like his amazing steam punk espresso machine.
Or the amazing recumbent bike that he rode across Holland.
He sounds like a nightmare.
Why are you friends with this guy? We're not friends.
We were college roommates.
And he helped me through something Chris was feeling homesick his freshman year, so he packed his bags and he was gonna leave, and Jerry stood in the doorway and wouldn't let him go.
So basically if it wasn't for Jerry, he'd be stupid.
Aw, 'cause somebody missed his mommy? My school had a notoriously late parents' weekend.
I tell you what, if you come with me to Jerry's party Act as a buffer, I'll introduce you to some guys.
His parties are always very, very dude-heavy.
Total sausage fest.
Sometimes literally.
He went through this artisanal knockwurst phase.
All right.
I will help you serve Jerry duty.
Oh, you wag.
- Ew, that is nauseating.
- "Jerry duty.
" I can't believe I never thought of that.
- I said it a few times.
- You said "Jerry duty"? I said "Jerry duty.
" I have comic instinct.
You are on a different channel.
Honey, I can't do this.
I'm bringing her to bed.
- Let's try this one last thing.
- All right.
But I say we go with my idea.
You and I grab a handful of Benadryl and check into the airport Sheraton, blow all our starwood points, and have a 72-hour sleep bender.
Please.
See? I told you it wasn't gonna Wow.
What, did you dust that pillowcase with Lunesta? It's got our scent all over it, so it's sort of like we're right there with her.
- Oh.
- It was actually Scott's idea.
Scott my brother Scott? So looks like we got our bed to ourselves for the first time in a week.
Hm.
Thanks for letting me use your costco card to buy stuff for the sleepover.
Oh, yeah.
No, of course.
I needed a six-pack of pants, so Oh! Thank you for the advice you gave Chris yesterday.
- That actually worked.
- Actually? Yeah.
Thanks for the backhanded compliment.
Oh, come on.
You seriously blame me for doubting you know, you? You do realize I've been a parent for longer than you.
I know.
How ridiculous is that? You know what, my whole life you've criticized everything I've done.
My haircuts, my eating habits, the names that I picked for pets.
Mr.
dog? But you question my parenting skills and you cross the line.
- I was totally kidding.
- Get out.
But we're two houses away from the - Out.
- Are you kid really? You're not gonna make a point by me walking 20 extra feet.
- Please leave the car.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Can you unlock it please? - Okay.
Go.
No, now it's not.
No.
Now you locked it again.
Okay, stop.
Don't touch it.
Stop with your hand.
It's unlocked now.
- Fine.
- I will see you later.
- Fine.
- Take it easy.
Bye.
This is ridiculous! Oh, wow! Oh, my blah seriously? yeah, I bet he doesn't find it as funny as you do.
As a younger brother myself, I didn't like it when Casey would joke around about my husky modeling.
I will never stop laughing at that.
Yeah.
And neither did he.
Which is why I think I got serious about getting in shape.
Then maybe joking around was a good thing.
You think I enjoy seeing food in terms of sit-ups? Which reminds me, why did I have gelato for dessert? What am I, insane? Oh, my God.
Maybe I did damage him.
I mean, I tease him about his girlfriends, now he's divorced.
I teased him about that leno chin of his, now he's got that Mountain beard thing.
Your words have more weight than you think.
Oh.
All right, so just remember he's gonna try to trick me into setting a date to hang out and that's when you start buffering.
Right.
And when looking for guys for me, I prefer no tattoos.
But if they have tattoos, then I want a lot of them.
- Like sleeves.
- Okay, yup.
Hey! There he is.
What's up, Chris? So glad you made it, man.
I thought for sure you were gonna call me with one of those lame excuses You know, "oh, my wife's in labor.
" Well, Reagan couldn't make it so I brought my friend Ava here.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
You're the one with the TV show, right? - Yes.
- I never saw it.
- I don't have a TV.
- Ah.
How brave.
So where's that pig? You are standing on it, my friend.
Oh.
Yeah.
Why put it on the grill when you can dig up your yard? Figured we cook it in an earth oven, or as the polynesians call it, "an imu.
" No better way to do it.
It is amazing Amazing.
Yeah, there it is.
Hey, is this jazz record doing it for you? Or do you still only listen to the Cranberries? Like in the dorm? Remember waiting for your mom to call you back on the common room phone? No, no, no.
The jazz is great.
You gotta come with me to this free jazz brunch.
How's your Sunday looking? Uh Oh! You're into records? Try avid collector.
I got a telefunken air bearing tone arm with a vacuum clamp.
I love vacuum clamps.
And would like you to tell me more about them at great length.
Find me my prince.
Whoa.
Hey.
Let me guess.
Limited-run craft beer in here, right? - You know Jerry.
- Yeah.
So, uh, W.
Y.
D.
What's your deal? You scoping out babes here? Oh, no, I actually poured this for my girlfriend.
Oh.
Sweet.
Do your thing, bro.
I mean, not 'cause you're black.
What about you? You in the mood to fall in love? - Are you a cop? - No.
- Are you? - No.
Reagan, I know I'm late, but my truck was too small for Kyle and his friends, so I had to go out and rent a van.
Which required my driver's license, which was in my wallet which I had left on a wall.
Okay, yeah, don't worry about it.
I'm constantly leaving stuff on walls.
Oh.
Cool.
Hey, Scott Listen, um, I'm sorry about yesterday.
If you need anything just ask me, okay? - I am here to help.
- Sweet.
You can help me arm the kids with swords and shields.
The party theme is game of thrones.
Really? Game of thrones? Don't you think that's perhaps Just too awesome of a theme for a seven-year-old's party? - I know, right? - Whoo! Oh, Ava, I would like to introduce you to Dr.
Steven - Last name which I do not know.
- Hello.
Sorry, not a match.
Oh, sorry.
Man, you are something else.
You're way too picky.
I mean, come on.
That guy was a doctor of some sort.
But did you see the size of that guy's watch? His priorities are totally out of whack.
Besides, he puts one arm around me, boom, broken clavicle.
Pass.
Ava.
Hey, there, Jackson.
Who is very handsome.
Would you mind telling my friend Ava about your summer home in Tuscany, was it? It's really just a villa.
On a vineyard.
- Do you like wine? - Not as much as I adore it.
Great.
Excuse me one second.
Nice to meet you.
- Thanks again for doing this.
- Yeah.
Kyle's having a good time, right? Oh, yeah.
Sounds like it.
Hey, um, should I or you or I go out there and watch the kids? At this age you're better off just letting them be.
All right.
That parental gem's for free.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Dad! The sprinklers attacked us.
This shouldn't take too long to dry a few weeks.
If you have any extra towels, maybe I can dry the ground? You know, I have a better idea.
Why don't we take this wet campout to inside, guys? - Come on! - Aw, man.
Go on inside.
Good work.
You got it? Hitting the gym quite a bit so I'm good.
It's gonna be good.
- All right, everybody - Chris.
- Yeah? - Chris, come on.
All right.
- Jackson's a no-go.
- What's wrong with him? He eats one chip at a time no matter what the size in exactly four bites Like, mwah, waah, mwah.
Last bite's basically kissing fingertips.
Ava, you're being so choosy.
Look, the guy owns a vineyard.
You love wine.
I also love chips.
Don't make me choose, Chris.
Hey, Chris, didn't you bring this chick back to the dorm one night? Oh, I don't know, Chris.
Is your roommate asleep? I wasn't.
Oh, I really I'm not sure.
Hey.
Hey, Chris.
I'm just messing around, man.
- That girl wasn't that fat.
- It's cool, Jerry.
- I gotta be going home anyway.
- Hey, look, man.
Something's going on between us and you're not leaving here until we figure it out.
Nothing's wrong, Jer, okay? We just we hung out.
I got pig juice all over my going-out slacks and I'll see you next year, okay? - Come on, man.
- Come on, Jerry.
- Talk to me.
- Come on, dude.
No, I'm not letting you go.
Come on.
You wanna know what's wrong? You won't shut up about college.
- Because it was amazing.
- No, it wasn't amazing.
What's amazing is that you seem to be into everything, and yet we still have nothing in common.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
, that beer is good.
Kyle? I promised you s'mores and you're gonna get 'em.
Oh, you're gonna make s'mores in my gas fireplace with the fake logs? That's inspired.
Whoo! Camping is so much fun.
It doesn't even matter if you're, like, inside or outside.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoop! Don't worry, I got it.
Got it.
Got it.
- I wanna go home.
- Yeah, this is no fun.
All right, listen to me.
Nobody is going nowhere.
Okay? 'Cause we is makin' some s'mores.
Okay? All right.
First dibs on that.
Look at that.
So tasty.
Look at that.
Mm.
Okay, don't eat those.
Don't eat those.
They're bad.
Taste like fake logs.
Very propan-y.
Might die.
Might die.
Spitting out.
Sorry about my being weird at Jerry's party.
I-- oh, no, I get it.
You and Jerry just aren't compatible.
It's just like me and all men.
Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that.
What's happening? Seriously? I just think I'm incredibly picky, always have been.
And I think that I'm just waiting for my Christopher.
Never should have let you fall into my baby blues.
Your eyes are green.
Yeah, but they've got a lot of blue in there.
No, I didn't mean the Christopher.
Just so we're clear.
I meant a Christopher.
Right.
No, no, no.
No, I didn't mean Look, I see how you are with Reagan.
And I just feel like anything less just isn't worth settling for.
Hey, can you just wait right here one second? You can't change my mind.
I'm destined to be alone.
You two lovebirds have a very special song.
What? Honey Listen to me, okay? First of all, this Christopher that you have been comparing to all other men, his actual name is just Chris.
And he has many, many, many faults.
Well, let's not get crazy with the "manys," but First of all, his toenails are like box cutters, all right? - Well, what am I gonna do? - Talk about ew, right? Also he is terrible with confrontation ooh! I don't want to get into this.
And God forbid there's something wrong with his meal at a restaurant he will never send anything back.
Just because I don't like the temperature of the meat doesn't mean somebody should lose their job.
And do you like a sharp nose poking your cheek when you're trying to kiss someone? Just Well, you struck bone with that one.
I've been turning down guys because they don't live up to him? All right, let's cool it with the laughter.
Well, you know, there was one guy at the party I liked.
You did? - I knew it.
Vineyard guy.
- Jerry has a vineyard? - No, mama.
- No, no, no, no.
- Jerry? It can't be Jerry.
- No! - He's not even a candidate.
- Look, I know it sounds crazy.
But I was too closed off when I was caught up in the Ava show and Jerry is literally open to everything.
And maybe that's what I need right now.
So Jerry is a match.
Thanks, guys.
Wow, you were right by the way, that is one pokey nose.
- I know, right? - Oh, come on.
Hey.
Have they been asleep for long? Yeah, but I was thinking about maybe waking them up for a midnight game of scream-tag.
- Scream-tag? - Yeah.
It's like tag, but with screams.
Oh.
That sounds like - A horrible idea.
- A horrible idea.
What's with you tonight? You're acting all nice and it's, like, freaking me out.
Listen, Scott.
I criticized you your whole life, and I just feel like it might have had sort of a negative effect on the way that you turned out.
- And how did I turn out? - Well, you know.
Come on, you know.
Sort of rough around the edges.
But listen it's my fault, okay? I take full responsibility.
Oh, my God.
Your ego is insane.
No, listen to me.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I was a model kid, you know? And you were kind of a mess.
So you couldn't compete with that.
I understand.
So you rebelled and you became this.
I'm sorry to blow up your little theory, but you weren't the model.
You were the cautionary tale.
Which is why I don't live my life like drill sergeant Barbie.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, you're really killing it, Scotty.
You flooded my yard.
You burned my carpet.
You let little boys play with swords? - Boys love weaponry.
- Oh, really? Oh, this is safe? Huh? This is safe? Here? That's safe? - Ow.
Come on.
Stop.
- You like that? - Fine, you wanna play? - You want a little violence? Ow! Ow! Ow! I didn't hit you that hard! Stop it! Ow! Kids, kids, kids, kids.
All right.
Well, you can say good-bye to these.
Kyle? Guys? - What's happening? - Scream-tag.
I wasn't sure if it's the person who is it who is supposed to be screaming or the person who's being chased who is supposed to be screaming so I just had them all scream.
This is great, dad! Thanks for saving Kyle's sleepover.
It's my pleasure.
I'm sorry about what I said last night.
- Seriously, Scott.
- That's okay.
Your narcissism comes from a good place.
I know.
It really does, all right? - I'm gonna go make breakfast.
- Okay.
Should I make my famous homemade donuts? The kids can help me deep fry the You know what? I can just make the breakfast.
And why don't you just go and play With the kids.
Well, this music is magical.
I like how I can't follow it.
Really keeps me on my toes.
This is all about freedom! They're doing whatever they want! It's a true American art form.
Hey, now we really do have something in common.
- She's amazing.
- Yeah, she's amazing.
You do realize that if this works out between the two of them, that he will be in our lives forever.
- Right, honey? - Yeah.
Okay.
I can't believe we let him "Jerry rig" the whole thing.
"Jerry rig.
" That's another one I missed.
- I mean, come on.
- I've said it so many times.
- You have said it? - It doesn't matter.
I love you.