Up Pompeii (1970) s02e04 Episode Script
The peace treaty
(SOLDIERS SHOUTING) -Oh, don't go to war.
-Don't.
-Don't go to war! -Don't! Lurcio! Lurcio! Oh! Yes, mistress? My guest and I don't want to be disturbed.
Oh? Yes, I understand.
We're having as little rest.
(CHUCKLING) Yes.
Yes.
And the rest.
You know who she's got up in her room, don't you? A captain, an army officer.
A Captain Bumshus.
Oh, I can't stand these Do you know these army types? I can't stand these army types.
They all talk so high, don't they? (IN MOCKING HIGH VOICE) It's all like that.
Well, you do.
You feel they should loosen something.
You know, it's, (IN POSH VOICE) "Let's have a spot of tiffin with our muffin.
" You know, it's I can't stand them.
Anyway, none of our business, I suppose.
Well, let's get Greetings, good citizens.
Now, let's get on with the prologue.
Ooh, now It's always cold, this bench.
Now, I'll By the way, you don't mind if I just go on cleaning my master's sword, do you? Because it's got rusty, like the rest of his equipment.
Now, no, I won't.
No, I'll do it afterwards.
Well, you can't do two things at once.
Now, here we are, now.
Now, the prologue.
Our story this week concerns the Greek god Pan.
Pan.
Now, Pan, as you may or may not know, has the hooves, the ears, and the horn of a goat.
A goat.
And no buts about it.
Oh, no butts All right, please yourselves.
Anyway Now, this god Pan used to spend much of his time chasing nymphs.
Excuse me.
Chasing Chasing nymphs through the woods.
And when he wasn't doing that, he was a plumber.
Well, you must have heard the old song, "The Furry Furry Pipes of Pan.
" I know, I know.
I know what you're thinking.
Soon as you heard me say, "Pan," you thought, "Here it comes.
He's clean round the bend.
" That's what you thought, didn't you? Now, ladies and gentlemen, we don't descend to that level of humour on this show.
Now, you know that.
Right, anyway, it came to pass LUDICRUS: Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter Oh dear, my master's coming back.
I'd better warn the mistress.
Er, erm Oh, dear.
(BUMSHUS YELLING IN PAIN) -Oh.
-Were you responsible for this, you oaf? Yes, Captain Bumshus.
Well, don't you dare do it again.
Yes, but Captain LUDICRUS: Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter.
Cohort terminus! Thank you, Lurcio.
Now, men, I Where did they go to? Well, I think when you sinistered, they must have dextered, master.
Ah! I see you've finished my broad-piece.
What about my small-piece? Well I didn't think that was worth bothering with, actually.
-Yes, erm -Don't call me "master".
General Ludicrus when I'm in uniform, remember? Yes.
General Ludicrus, master.
General.
Yes, sir.
Yes.
Oh, it's good to be back in command again.
(MOCKINGLY) "Command".
Ha-ha, yes.
Would you believe the Third Pompeian Foot And Mouth? I say.
We take the field against the barbarians on Saturday.
On Saturday? Oh, yes.
Home or away? Oh, away.
War's no fun at home, you know.
Ah, no, master, no.
I say, has Captain Bumshus arrived yet? Er, well, I don't think so.
Oh, that's odd.
I arranged to meet him here to work out some manoeuvres.
Yes, oh, I think he's doing those all right.
Yes.
-Eh? -Er, yeah, he's in the public park.
Oh, good fellow, Bumshus, you know.
Very keen on it.
So I gathered, yes.
-I'll march down there.
-Yes.
Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter.
And charge! There he goes, Hercules unchained.
Silly old fool.
He's past it.
All these Romans, they get me down.
They're war mad.
They are.
They're war mad! They're never happier when they're bashing away at something.
Like the captain up there.
Yes, he's on manoeuvres all right.
Oh, well.
I think I'd better warn him.
Excuse me, I'd better warn the Captain.
Here we go again.
Now (GRUNTING) Oh! Missed.
Do you mind, please? I'm trying to act.
(BUMSHUS EXCLAIMING) I told you before, you clod! -I'm coming down there to deal with you.
-Oh, no, no -LUDICRUS: Oh, Lurcio.
-What is I can't seem to find anybody.
You know, there's nobody in the army now, wants to get at it and have a go.
Oh, I wouldn't say that, master.
Ah, Bumshus! Wanted to see you down at headquarters.
It's about the draft list.
We need every able-bodied man.
Sir! Pip pip! You! One day, if you were to serve in the army, I'd like to get you in my regiment.
Oh, no, I'm not able-bodied, sir.
I have this funny tremor running down my back.
It's called "fear".
I don't doubt it, but if you were to serve in my cohort, I'd make a man of you! If that's even remotely possible.
(SQUEALING) Cheeky devil! Did you all hear that parting sally? Make a man of me? The last person who said that to me was my first girlfriend.
She damn near made a father out of me.
Oh, these soldiers! They get me down, these army types.
I must say, they're so arrogant, aren't they? Honestly, I've never seen people with arrows so gant.
Not at all.
Never mind, no happen, no hap.
Let us get on with the prologue.
Now, it came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Oh, dear.
Here she is, Senna the Soothsayer.
I wish they'd call her up.
Not that she's got much left to fight for.
I have gazed into the bottomless pit! Well! Three times have I gazed into it.
Well, well, well! The lady there.
Missus! "Well, well, well!" Explain to her.
She's been drinking chloroform.
Sorry, dear.
I see a terrible contest between Pompeii and the barbarians.
Oh, really? Who's going to win? Now, get your coupons out, she's a good forecaster.
-Now -Scoff not.
Scoff not.
-Scoff not! -I said, "Scoff not"! What does she think this is, scoffee break? -I see you clearly -Do you? lying cruelly slain on the battlefield in Gaul -In Gaul? -disembowelled! Disembowelled? Disembowelled! Drenched with blood! Oh, I know.
The bowels are ringing for me and my Gaul.
Oh, whimsicality upon whimsicality! -Take heed of my words and beware! -All right.
Beware! Oh, silly old bag.
Honestly.
Oh, she is.
She puts the mockers on me, she really does.
I mean, "Cruelly slain on the battlefield".
I'm not even in the army.
Oh, no, not me.
When the men go off fighting, I stay at home, I tell you.
Let's face it, some poor devil has to stay here and take care of the women.
Let's face it, you know, attend to their needs and so on.
Not that I do much sewing on.
Not since I've lost my thimble! Oh, no, no! Nay, thrice nay.
Now, the prologue.
It came to pass I can't do it! I can't do it! What's going on today? That was Nausius, the master's young son.
Excuse me.
I'd better go and see what's wrong.
Excuse me.
(HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) What a shame.
I'd better get him a handkerchief.
I don't want him to wet hisself.
Now, there you are.
Aw.
There, there, there.
Oh, there, there, there, there, there.
Ever so there, there, there.
What's the matter, young master? Lurcio, I can't do it.
Pardon? -I can't do it! -Well, don't worry.
Don't worry, you're not the only one who can't do it.
-No, Lurcio, you don't understand.
-What? They want to conscript me into the army.
Well, you won't have a chance to do it then, will you? So why worry? Lurcio, I'm against war.
-Are you? -I love my fellow man.
Well, don't misunderstand him.
-Lurcio.
-What? Will you join my peace movement? -Peace movement? What? -Yes, my peace movement.
-You're going to fight against the war? -Yes.
Gladly I will, gladly.
See, I've already written an ode to launch my campaign.
An ode.
Oh, how nice.
I was wondering how we were gonna work it in.
Oh, yes.
"Ode to Peace.
" "O'er all their promises of peace Still blows the martial trumpet But we don't want a peace of words We want a peace of mind and body" I was lost for a rhyme there.
I'm sorry.
Yes, you'd be more sorry if you didn't.
What we really need here is a Lysistrata.
Yeah, well Now, that's ridiculous.
Now You can't find Lysistrata to match with trumpet, can you? Oh, no, no, Lurcio.
She was the famous Greek woman who stopped the men from going off to war.
Oh, oh.
-Lysistrata.
-That Lizzie, yes.
Oh, then you know how she did it.
Yes.
Oh, everybody knows how she Did what? Well, she stopped the men from going to war, by persuading their women to -Well -Well, not to.
Not to what? You know, Lurcio.
-What? -Not to let their men Oh, Lurcio, I can't say it out loud! On this show? You can say anything! Now come on, don't be shy.
Go and have a bash.
Well, not to cohabit! Co He said it! That dreaded seven-letter word! Cohabit.
It wasn't so bad, was it? I can't think what all the fuss has been about.
-Oh, we'll never find a Lysistrata here.
-No, I don't think we ever will.
But I don't care.
They won't get me into the army! I'll kill myself before I lift a finger against my fellow man! -Yes.
-I'll kill myself, I will! He will, too.
He's very sensitive.
Oh, he's shockingly sensitive.
Do you know, the day he was born, he cried? He did.
I'm sorry.
No, he did, he cried his eyes out, not for himself, for his mother.
Poor soul.
Ah, well, no, you see, this fool, this doctor, he was short-sighted, you see, and he held the mother up by her feet and smacked her bottom.
Well, I mean, the boy's confused.
Anyway, let's get on with the prologue.
Now, it came to pass, that this god Pan said (BUMSHUS EXCLAIMING) (IMITATING BUMSHUS) No, he didn't! No, oh, Captain, sir.
Oh, if you've come to borrow a cup of sugar -I've been looking for you.
-Oh.
Come here.
-Where? -There.
-There.
-There, yes sir.
I've got something for you.
Oh, a pressie.
General Ludicrus said that I might have the great pleasure of giving you these myself.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
I haven't bought anything for you, you know.
-Look at them! -Oh, yes.
I hope they're not Christmas cards.
I haven't gotten mine yet.
Have you? Now, "Lurcio to report to headquarters at 0700 hours, Saturday.
" (SQUEALING) My call-up tablets! Precisely.
And in my regiment.
-Yours? -E.
N.
S.
A.
, cohort.
"E.
N.
S.
A.
"? ENSA? Oh, that'll be all right, then.
I shall be able to wear my ballet shoes.
ENSA! East Naples Suicide Army.
(WICKED LAUGH) (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) (SOBBING) East Naples Suicide Army.
Oh, dear.
That old bag, Senna, was right.
Oh, dear! Lying, cruelly slain on the battlefield, disembowelled! Oh, no.
I don't want my bowels moved.
They're all right where they are.
Oh, ye gods! Please, don't let me die.
-Don't let me die, ye gods! -Oh, gods! I Wait a minute, do you mind? I haven't finished yet.
There's hours to go.
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh, ye gods! Don't let me die! Oh, I'm too pretty to die.
Please, don't let me die.
Oh, I ask you, I beseech you, don't let me die! Not to die.
That's the lot.
Now, what do you want? -Lurcio.
-Yes.
-I don't want to die! -You don't want to die? -I'm too young to die! -Too young to die! -We shall overcome! -We will overcome! -We shan't go to war.
-We won't go to war.
-Down with war! -Down with war! Down, down, down with war! Down with war! What a shocking actor, isn't he? I had to carry that scene completely, did you see that? Now, where was we? Oh, I know.
Yes, Lysistrata.
Now, where can we find another Lysistrata? Because then the men wouldn't go off fighting, if they didn't get their bit of cohabit first.
And if they didn't go, I wouldn't have to go.
But where can I find a Lysistrata? That's the point.
I must think.
Think! You're right! No, you're wrong.
No! Well, I wonder.
Yes, I could dress up meself, I suppose.
Drag up! That's it! It's fashionable! Pretend to be Lysistrata.
Oh, I could.
Right, let's try it out, shall I? Yes.
Now, all you women in the audience, if I were to preach no cohabiting, no cohabiting with men, would you support it? WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Yes! Yes, well, in that case, none of you need bother to come round to my dressing room after the show.
Well, my dear, I thought that as we march out at dawn tomorrow, tonight we could have a few friends in, and have a bit of (WHISPERING) an orgy.
Oh, really, Ludicrus, I don't see that you carrying off every able-bodied man in the city anything to celebrate.
Excuse me butting in like this, General.
It's rather urgent.
What is it, Captain Bumshus? It's the men, sir.
They're refusing point-blank to march tomorrow.
Yes, but But they were dying to go! Not any longer.
It seems, sir, that their women are refusing to, er Well, to kiss them goodbye.
Refusing to kiss Is that all? No, sir, but it's as far as I care to go in front of the ladies.
Oh, I see.
You mean that the women refuse to transport themselves from that bank of the river to this one.
I'm afraid I don't quite follow, sir.
Really, Ludicrus, what he means is they won't come across.
This is preposterous.
We must put a stop to this sabotage.
Bumshus, call a meeting of the women in the marketplace.
They're already there, sir.
This Titicarta woman is holding another meeting.
Titicarta? She's the woman behind all this trouble, sir.
The woman Titicarta.
And so I say again to you, women of Pompeii, I say again, don't give out to those men.
Give in.
WOMEN: Hooray! It's me.
I'm not using a double.
It's me.
Now Now, tomorrow the men wish to go off fighting, don't they, ladies? They want to go fighting.
And tonight they will be looking for their little bit of incentive, as usual, won't they? -WOMEN: Yes.
-But we won't give it to them.
-WOMEN: No.
-Tonight, ladies, is our D-day.
"D" for "don't".
WOMEN: D for don't! D for don't! Ladies, tonight, keep you doors bolted.
Bolted! And for those of you who have no bolts, encase yourselves with four pairs of combs, and seal off all exits and entrances.
Yes.
Remember this, when men and women are concerned, divided we win, united we fall.
May I just say one thing more? Pompeii for the cup.
(WOMEN CHEERING) Now, are there Are there Pardon my fan.
Are there any Are there any questions? Yes.
Yes, ladies, ladies, ignore this treacherous woman.
How dare you? Your men are fighting for you.
Their weapons are primed, their armour burnished, their horses have had their oats! Yes, and they're the only ones who will.
Oh, madam, I appeal to you.
Oh, you don't, you know.
Let us have that which we deserve! Let us have it! Yes, ladies, give it to them! Here's what they deserve.
Give it to them! That's it! Ladies, that's right.
Keep up the good fight.
Keep up the good fight, and remember our slogans.
"No piece without peace.
" WOMEN: No piece without peace.
"Ban the bang bang.
" WOMEN: Ban the bang bang! Ban the bang bang! Ban the bang bang! -Yes? -No.
-Yes? -No.
Yes? Oh, no! Ammonia, open this door! This is your lord and master! Open the door.
I'll break it down.
AMMONIA: Go away! (FRUSTRATED SIGH) Would you believe it? I never thought I'd live to see the day my mistress bolted her door, I must say.
Well, last week she had a new sign put outside, "Two beds, no waiting".
LURCIO: Master? Oh, Lurcio, this is terrible.
-Yes, I know.
-The women of Pompeii have gone mad.
It's a complete lockout.
It is, master.
Yes.
It's all the fault of that wretched woman Titicarta.
Yes.
Well, now, look, if you'd only stop this fighting, give in to her demands, sign this peace treaty Never.
I've not finished with her.
She's only a woman.
I wouldn't say that, master.
Nonsense.
Just a woman like any other woman.
Well, I think she's got something the others haven't got, I must say.
Well, yes, an extra persuasiveness, perhaps -Yes.
-but basically, a woman, with a woman's weaknesses.
Yes.
Weaknesses? Yes, this battle may yet be won.
(LUDICRUS CHUCKLING) Hello, what's the old fool up to? There was a funny look on his face.
Did you notice that? Almost intelligent.
I've never seen that there before.
I think I'd better go down the marketplace and organise another meeting for those women.
The women, yes! Titicarta.
Titicarta.
Young master, have you seen her? Oh, Lurcio, what a wonderful person she is.
Oh, I suppose she is, really, yes.
Oh, it was love at first sight.
Beg your pardon? -I worship her.
-Oh, you can't! I mean, she's a (STAMMERING) Well, you see I mean, she's not your type.
I mean, she's I mean, she's a little old for you, isn't she? What does age matter, Lurcio? She could be 50! Do you mind? 25.
Well, would you believe 33, then? I don't care, Lurcio.
I worship her.
Titicarta's the woman who'll make a man of me.
Oh, I wouldn't bank on that, master.
Oh, Lurcio, I know what'll happen.
I shall take her, and in the ecstasy of passion, quench the ache of my bleeding heart.
You bleeding won't, you know! We want Titicarta! We want Titicarta! We want Titicarta! (CHEERING) We want Titicarta! Dear, dear sisters.
I have some very sad news for you.
I fear I must leave you.
(EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE AND SADNESS) You see, owing to circumstances beyond my control, namely, the possibility of my being unwittingly got at.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK) Aye, it would be embarrassing, perhaps, for me to have a longer linger here, you see? So, I must transfer my activities somewhere else, to a land where the women are in ever more urgent need of help against their demanding menfolk, Australia.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING) Titicarta.
Oh, yes, Lieutenant.
I've been sent by General Ludicrus Sextus to tell you that he accedes to your demands.
(WOMEN CHEERING) -Come with me, now -Thank you.
and he will sign a treaty guaranteeing peace forever.
Ah, 'tis victory.
WOMEN: Hooray! Do you mind? Ladies first.
WOMEN: Hooray! Captain Bumshus, I cannot overemphasise the importance of this assignment.
Now, dishonour Titicarta, for if we can overcome her resistance All other resistance will collapse, sir.
Yes, but can you handle her? Oh, she's a very tough customer.
My dear General, I've handled rougher stuff than her and succeeded.
Ask your wife.
Er, ask anyone.
Well, now, she's in your hands.
Or, at least, I hope she soon will be.
(CHUCKLING) The lady is here, sir.
Ah, splendid, Lieutenant Preshus, show her in.
Will you come in, miss? Oh, thank you, Lieutenant.
So kind.
Oh, General? General Ludicrus? Where is the silly old fool? Do you know? (LURCIO EXCLAIMING) Oh, dear! Captain.
Sorry, my dear.
Did I startle you? Oh, not at all, not at all.
Oh! Well You look a bit upset.
Well, you see Would you mind shutting you gobs? That, er This usually happens if I move too quickly.
Would you excuse me a moment? There we are.
Level peggings again.
Yes, now, Captain, I want to see the General.
You see, I want him to sign a peace treaty.
That's right, my dear, I know that, but you don't think that he would do it for nothing, do you? Non, non, mon Capitaine, non, non.
"Mon Capitaine"? Spanish.
Single-breasted yobbo.
Yuck.
Er, Captain, if you would tell the General to accede to my demands, the women would cohabit again.
That's splendid.
All we have to decide is which comes first, a spot of signing, or a spot ofcohabiting.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I don't like the look of this.
I don't like the look of this.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes? What's he done that for? He hasn't got a nose bleed, has he? No! Get out of here! Now, Captain, you're not on manoeuvres now, you know.
Actually, old girl, I think it's time we got a little chummy over a glass, a little drinky-winky.
Drinky.
Drinky.
Little drinky-winky.
Dirty old devil, isn't he? Oh, I know what happens to these young girls, what? A locked door, a little drinky, a nuzzle around the A razzle round the ear, a razzle round the ear hole, same thing, and bang, frying tonight.
Hey! Get out! You see, I've gone all lopsided again! Look.
Get up there! Damn things.
They are a burden.
My dear, I'll tell you what, why don't we sit down, quite calmly, and discuss Discuss the pros and cons.
Ah No, no, I never discuss other women.
Other women? Pros and cons! That's very good! Excuse me, look.
You don't have to explain all the gags.
They're not stupid, you know.
Sit down.
May I recline here? Thank you so much.
That's better.
Now, drinky-winkies! Oh, turn my stomach over.
There we are now.
Ah, little drinkies! I see, mother and child.
I see.
Is this teensy-weensy tot for me? Just for you.
Yes.
You wouldn't be trying to get me tiddly, though, would you, by any chance? Oh, no.
What would you do if I did? I'm not telling you, saucy.
-Oh, come on.
-No, I won't.
-Be a sport.
Tell me.
-I'm not telling you, saucy! -Please tell me.
-All right, I'll tell you.
-Now, if I drink this lot -Yes? I shall be up and down all night.
Really? Yes, powdering me nose.
Oh, well.
Here's to us.
Bottoms up.
Yeah.
Not tonight.
Oh, thank you so much.
You know, you are an exciting woman.
Am I? Oh, I suppose I've been told that, yes.
-My dear Titicarta.
-Yes.
Or may I just call you No, you mayn't, or I shall have to shorten your name, Bumshus.
My dear, there's no need to be suspicious of me.
I've nothing to hide.
Oh, no, but I have.
-You know -What? I'm absolutely crazy about you.
Oh, now, now.
Do you mind? Get out of it.
Now, look Get out of it.
Get out of it! Oh, blimey! It's like cohabiting with an octopus, isn't it? Oh, my little plum.
-Eh? -My little plum! Yes, and I'm not going to be picked tonight! I'm not ripe.
-I'm mad about you.
Mad about you! -Now, get away.
Now, don't be naughty.
-Let me love you.
-There'll be No, I won't.
-I know what you're going to say.
-Now, you're making a mistake.
-You're not the same as any other girl.
-No, that's for sure.
-No, please don't.
-I will not be denied! -You will! Get out! -Let me love you! I've been robbed.
You naughty little cheat, you.
Yes, keep that as a souvenir.
This won't keep me away from you.
Look, Captain, if you'll be a good boy, I'll give you the other one to play with.
There you are.
That's the set.
Make a booby trap.
Now get away.
-You sorceress, come here.
Now I've got you.
-No, don't.
Do as I want, and I've got a little surprise for you.
Yes, if I do what you want, I'll have a hell of a surprise for you.
Oh, call for help! Get the fuzz, get the fuzz! Oh, I can't! Oh, Preshus, it's working.
It's working! Ludicrus, what's going on here? I'll tell you what's going on.
Your champion Titicarta is in that room with Captain Bumshus! -Oh, I don't believe it.
-Listen.
LURCIO: Oh, no, don't.
No, please don't.
Don't! (RIPPING) (BUMSHUS SCREAMING) Did you achieve your objective? Don't talk of it! We must surrender! Sign the treaty! Sign the treaty! Ah.
Well, there you are, you see.
That is how we stopped the men fighting.
But things didn't work out the way we hoped because, soon after, there was yet another war.
Would you believe it? Yet another war.
They went off fighting They all went off fighting about two weeks ago.
(MEN CHEERING) I think they're coming back.
They're coming back now.
AMMONIA: Sinister, dexter.
Sinister, dexter.
Sinister, dexter.
At least you must admit, it's a very moving show.
Cohort terminus! Ah, they're back! Welcome home! How went the war? Never mind that! First thing's first.
(LUDICRUS SQUEALING) I'll be out for you in a moment.
Ladies dismiss! Oh, isn't it marvellous? Ooh, look at them, look at them! Isn't it marvellous how the women Look! Wait, don't rush! Wait! Good gracious, the women, they're worse than the men, aren't they? They really are, these women.
They're worse than the men.
But look at me.
You see, as usual, left all alone.
It is a shame.
If only someone would come back from the war for me.
Yoo-hoo! Oh, no! Salute!
-Don't.
-Don't go to war! -Don't! Lurcio! Lurcio! Oh! Yes, mistress? My guest and I don't want to be disturbed.
Oh? Yes, I understand.
We're having as little rest.
(CHUCKLING) Yes.
Yes.
And the rest.
You know who she's got up in her room, don't you? A captain, an army officer.
A Captain Bumshus.
Oh, I can't stand these Do you know these army types? I can't stand these army types.
They all talk so high, don't they? (IN MOCKING HIGH VOICE) It's all like that.
Well, you do.
You feel they should loosen something.
You know, it's, (IN POSH VOICE) "Let's have a spot of tiffin with our muffin.
" You know, it's I can't stand them.
Anyway, none of our business, I suppose.
Well, let's get Greetings, good citizens.
Now, let's get on with the prologue.
Ooh, now It's always cold, this bench.
Now, I'll By the way, you don't mind if I just go on cleaning my master's sword, do you? Because it's got rusty, like the rest of his equipment.
Now, no, I won't.
No, I'll do it afterwards.
Well, you can't do two things at once.
Now, here we are, now.
Now, the prologue.
Our story this week concerns the Greek god Pan.
Pan.
Now, Pan, as you may or may not know, has the hooves, the ears, and the horn of a goat.
A goat.
And no buts about it.
Oh, no butts All right, please yourselves.
Anyway Now, this god Pan used to spend much of his time chasing nymphs.
Excuse me.
Chasing Chasing nymphs through the woods.
And when he wasn't doing that, he was a plumber.
Well, you must have heard the old song, "The Furry Furry Pipes of Pan.
" I know, I know.
I know what you're thinking.
Soon as you heard me say, "Pan," you thought, "Here it comes.
He's clean round the bend.
" That's what you thought, didn't you? Now, ladies and gentlemen, we don't descend to that level of humour on this show.
Now, you know that.
Right, anyway, it came to pass LUDICRUS: Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter Oh dear, my master's coming back.
I'd better warn the mistress.
Er, erm Oh, dear.
(BUMSHUS YELLING IN PAIN) -Oh.
-Were you responsible for this, you oaf? Yes, Captain Bumshus.
Well, don't you dare do it again.
Yes, but Captain LUDICRUS: Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter.
Cohort terminus! Thank you, Lurcio.
Now, men, I Where did they go to? Well, I think when you sinistered, they must have dextered, master.
Ah! I see you've finished my broad-piece.
What about my small-piece? Well I didn't think that was worth bothering with, actually.
-Yes, erm -Don't call me "master".
General Ludicrus when I'm in uniform, remember? Yes.
General Ludicrus, master.
General.
Yes, sir.
Yes.
Oh, it's good to be back in command again.
(MOCKINGLY) "Command".
Ha-ha, yes.
Would you believe the Third Pompeian Foot And Mouth? I say.
We take the field against the barbarians on Saturday.
On Saturday? Oh, yes.
Home or away? Oh, away.
War's no fun at home, you know.
Ah, no, master, no.
I say, has Captain Bumshus arrived yet? Er, well, I don't think so.
Oh, that's odd.
I arranged to meet him here to work out some manoeuvres.
Yes, oh, I think he's doing those all right.
Yes.
-Eh? -Er, yeah, he's in the public park.
Oh, good fellow, Bumshus, you know.
Very keen on it.
So I gathered, yes.
-I'll march down there.
-Yes.
Sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter.
And charge! There he goes, Hercules unchained.
Silly old fool.
He's past it.
All these Romans, they get me down.
They're war mad.
They are.
They're war mad! They're never happier when they're bashing away at something.
Like the captain up there.
Yes, he's on manoeuvres all right.
Oh, well.
I think I'd better warn him.
Excuse me, I'd better warn the Captain.
Here we go again.
Now (GRUNTING) Oh! Missed.
Do you mind, please? I'm trying to act.
(BUMSHUS EXCLAIMING) I told you before, you clod! -I'm coming down there to deal with you.
-Oh, no, no -LUDICRUS: Oh, Lurcio.
-What is I can't seem to find anybody.
You know, there's nobody in the army now, wants to get at it and have a go.
Oh, I wouldn't say that, master.
Ah, Bumshus! Wanted to see you down at headquarters.
It's about the draft list.
We need every able-bodied man.
Sir! Pip pip! You! One day, if you were to serve in the army, I'd like to get you in my regiment.
Oh, no, I'm not able-bodied, sir.
I have this funny tremor running down my back.
It's called "fear".
I don't doubt it, but if you were to serve in my cohort, I'd make a man of you! If that's even remotely possible.
(SQUEALING) Cheeky devil! Did you all hear that parting sally? Make a man of me? The last person who said that to me was my first girlfriend.
She damn near made a father out of me.
Oh, these soldiers! They get me down, these army types.
I must say, they're so arrogant, aren't they? Honestly, I've never seen people with arrows so gant.
Not at all.
Never mind, no happen, no hap.
Let us get on with the prologue.
Now, it came to pass Woe, woe and thrice woe! Oh, dear.
Here she is, Senna the Soothsayer.
I wish they'd call her up.
Not that she's got much left to fight for.
I have gazed into the bottomless pit! Well! Three times have I gazed into it.
Well, well, well! The lady there.
Missus! "Well, well, well!" Explain to her.
She's been drinking chloroform.
Sorry, dear.
I see a terrible contest between Pompeii and the barbarians.
Oh, really? Who's going to win? Now, get your coupons out, she's a good forecaster.
-Now -Scoff not.
Scoff not.
-Scoff not! -I said, "Scoff not"! What does she think this is, scoffee break? -I see you clearly -Do you? lying cruelly slain on the battlefield in Gaul -In Gaul? -disembowelled! Disembowelled? Disembowelled! Drenched with blood! Oh, I know.
The bowels are ringing for me and my Gaul.
Oh, whimsicality upon whimsicality! -Take heed of my words and beware! -All right.
Beware! Oh, silly old bag.
Honestly.
Oh, she is.
She puts the mockers on me, she really does.
I mean, "Cruelly slain on the battlefield".
I'm not even in the army.
Oh, no, not me.
When the men go off fighting, I stay at home, I tell you.
Let's face it, some poor devil has to stay here and take care of the women.
Let's face it, you know, attend to their needs and so on.
Not that I do much sewing on.
Not since I've lost my thimble! Oh, no, no! Nay, thrice nay.
Now, the prologue.
It came to pass I can't do it! I can't do it! What's going on today? That was Nausius, the master's young son.
Excuse me.
I'd better go and see what's wrong.
Excuse me.
(HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) What a shame.
I'd better get him a handkerchief.
I don't want him to wet hisself.
Now, there you are.
Aw.
There, there, there.
Oh, there, there, there, there, there.
Ever so there, there, there.
What's the matter, young master? Lurcio, I can't do it.
Pardon? -I can't do it! -Well, don't worry.
Don't worry, you're not the only one who can't do it.
-No, Lurcio, you don't understand.
-What? They want to conscript me into the army.
Well, you won't have a chance to do it then, will you? So why worry? Lurcio, I'm against war.
-Are you? -I love my fellow man.
Well, don't misunderstand him.
-Lurcio.
-What? Will you join my peace movement? -Peace movement? What? -Yes, my peace movement.
-You're going to fight against the war? -Yes.
Gladly I will, gladly.
See, I've already written an ode to launch my campaign.
An ode.
Oh, how nice.
I was wondering how we were gonna work it in.
Oh, yes.
"Ode to Peace.
" "O'er all their promises of peace Still blows the martial trumpet But we don't want a peace of words We want a peace of mind and body" I was lost for a rhyme there.
I'm sorry.
Yes, you'd be more sorry if you didn't.
What we really need here is a Lysistrata.
Yeah, well Now, that's ridiculous.
Now You can't find Lysistrata to match with trumpet, can you? Oh, no, no, Lurcio.
She was the famous Greek woman who stopped the men from going off to war.
Oh, oh.
-Lysistrata.
-That Lizzie, yes.
Oh, then you know how she did it.
Yes.
Oh, everybody knows how she Did what? Well, she stopped the men from going to war, by persuading their women to -Well -Well, not to.
Not to what? You know, Lurcio.
-What? -Not to let their men Oh, Lurcio, I can't say it out loud! On this show? You can say anything! Now come on, don't be shy.
Go and have a bash.
Well, not to cohabit! Co He said it! That dreaded seven-letter word! Cohabit.
It wasn't so bad, was it? I can't think what all the fuss has been about.
-Oh, we'll never find a Lysistrata here.
-No, I don't think we ever will.
But I don't care.
They won't get me into the army! I'll kill myself before I lift a finger against my fellow man! -Yes.
-I'll kill myself, I will! He will, too.
He's very sensitive.
Oh, he's shockingly sensitive.
Do you know, the day he was born, he cried? He did.
I'm sorry.
No, he did, he cried his eyes out, not for himself, for his mother.
Poor soul.
Ah, well, no, you see, this fool, this doctor, he was short-sighted, you see, and he held the mother up by her feet and smacked her bottom.
Well, I mean, the boy's confused.
Anyway, let's get on with the prologue.
Now, it came to pass, that this god Pan said (BUMSHUS EXCLAIMING) (IMITATING BUMSHUS) No, he didn't! No, oh, Captain, sir.
Oh, if you've come to borrow a cup of sugar -I've been looking for you.
-Oh.
Come here.
-Where? -There.
-There.
-There, yes sir.
I've got something for you.
Oh, a pressie.
General Ludicrus said that I might have the great pleasure of giving you these myself.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
I haven't bought anything for you, you know.
-Look at them! -Oh, yes.
I hope they're not Christmas cards.
I haven't gotten mine yet.
Have you? Now, "Lurcio to report to headquarters at 0700 hours, Saturday.
" (SQUEALING) My call-up tablets! Precisely.
And in my regiment.
-Yours? -E.
N.
S.
A.
, cohort.
"E.
N.
S.
A.
"? ENSA? Oh, that'll be all right, then.
I shall be able to wear my ballet shoes.
ENSA! East Naples Suicide Army.
(WICKED LAUGH) (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) (SOBBING) East Naples Suicide Army.
Oh, dear.
That old bag, Senna, was right.
Oh, dear! Lying, cruelly slain on the battlefield, disembowelled! Oh, no.
I don't want my bowels moved.
They're all right where they are.
Oh, ye gods! Please, don't let me die.
-Don't let me die, ye gods! -Oh, gods! I Wait a minute, do you mind? I haven't finished yet.
There's hours to go.
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh, ye gods! Don't let me die! Oh, I'm too pretty to die.
Please, don't let me die.
Oh, I ask you, I beseech you, don't let me die! Not to die.
That's the lot.
Now, what do you want? -Lurcio.
-Yes.
-I don't want to die! -You don't want to die? -I'm too young to die! -Too young to die! -We shall overcome! -We will overcome! -We shan't go to war.
-We won't go to war.
-Down with war! -Down with war! Down, down, down with war! Down with war! What a shocking actor, isn't he? I had to carry that scene completely, did you see that? Now, where was we? Oh, I know.
Yes, Lysistrata.
Now, where can we find another Lysistrata? Because then the men wouldn't go off fighting, if they didn't get their bit of cohabit first.
And if they didn't go, I wouldn't have to go.
But where can I find a Lysistrata? That's the point.
I must think.
Think! You're right! No, you're wrong.
No! Well, I wonder.
Yes, I could dress up meself, I suppose.
Drag up! That's it! It's fashionable! Pretend to be Lysistrata.
Oh, I could.
Right, let's try it out, shall I? Yes.
Now, all you women in the audience, if I were to preach no cohabiting, no cohabiting with men, would you support it? WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Yes! Yes, well, in that case, none of you need bother to come round to my dressing room after the show.
Well, my dear, I thought that as we march out at dawn tomorrow, tonight we could have a few friends in, and have a bit of (WHISPERING) an orgy.
Oh, really, Ludicrus, I don't see that you carrying off every able-bodied man in the city anything to celebrate.
Excuse me butting in like this, General.
It's rather urgent.
What is it, Captain Bumshus? It's the men, sir.
They're refusing point-blank to march tomorrow.
Yes, but But they were dying to go! Not any longer.
It seems, sir, that their women are refusing to, er Well, to kiss them goodbye.
Refusing to kiss Is that all? No, sir, but it's as far as I care to go in front of the ladies.
Oh, I see.
You mean that the women refuse to transport themselves from that bank of the river to this one.
I'm afraid I don't quite follow, sir.
Really, Ludicrus, what he means is they won't come across.
This is preposterous.
We must put a stop to this sabotage.
Bumshus, call a meeting of the women in the marketplace.
They're already there, sir.
This Titicarta woman is holding another meeting.
Titicarta? She's the woman behind all this trouble, sir.
The woman Titicarta.
And so I say again to you, women of Pompeii, I say again, don't give out to those men.
Give in.
WOMEN: Hooray! It's me.
I'm not using a double.
It's me.
Now Now, tomorrow the men wish to go off fighting, don't they, ladies? They want to go fighting.
And tonight they will be looking for their little bit of incentive, as usual, won't they? -WOMEN: Yes.
-But we won't give it to them.
-WOMEN: No.
-Tonight, ladies, is our D-day.
"D" for "don't".
WOMEN: D for don't! D for don't! Ladies, tonight, keep you doors bolted.
Bolted! And for those of you who have no bolts, encase yourselves with four pairs of combs, and seal off all exits and entrances.
Yes.
Remember this, when men and women are concerned, divided we win, united we fall.
May I just say one thing more? Pompeii for the cup.
(WOMEN CHEERING) Now, are there Are there Pardon my fan.
Are there any Are there any questions? Yes.
Yes, ladies, ladies, ignore this treacherous woman.
How dare you? Your men are fighting for you.
Their weapons are primed, their armour burnished, their horses have had their oats! Yes, and they're the only ones who will.
Oh, madam, I appeal to you.
Oh, you don't, you know.
Let us have that which we deserve! Let us have it! Yes, ladies, give it to them! Here's what they deserve.
Give it to them! That's it! Ladies, that's right.
Keep up the good fight.
Keep up the good fight, and remember our slogans.
"No piece without peace.
" WOMEN: No piece without peace.
"Ban the bang bang.
" WOMEN: Ban the bang bang! Ban the bang bang! Ban the bang bang! -Yes? -No.
-Yes? -No.
Yes? Oh, no! Ammonia, open this door! This is your lord and master! Open the door.
I'll break it down.
AMMONIA: Go away! (FRUSTRATED SIGH) Would you believe it? I never thought I'd live to see the day my mistress bolted her door, I must say.
Well, last week she had a new sign put outside, "Two beds, no waiting".
LURCIO: Master? Oh, Lurcio, this is terrible.
-Yes, I know.
-The women of Pompeii have gone mad.
It's a complete lockout.
It is, master.
Yes.
It's all the fault of that wretched woman Titicarta.
Yes.
Well, now, look, if you'd only stop this fighting, give in to her demands, sign this peace treaty Never.
I've not finished with her.
She's only a woman.
I wouldn't say that, master.
Nonsense.
Just a woman like any other woman.
Well, I think she's got something the others haven't got, I must say.
Well, yes, an extra persuasiveness, perhaps -Yes.
-but basically, a woman, with a woman's weaknesses.
Yes.
Weaknesses? Yes, this battle may yet be won.
(LUDICRUS CHUCKLING) Hello, what's the old fool up to? There was a funny look on his face.
Did you notice that? Almost intelligent.
I've never seen that there before.
I think I'd better go down the marketplace and organise another meeting for those women.
The women, yes! Titicarta.
Titicarta.
Young master, have you seen her? Oh, Lurcio, what a wonderful person she is.
Oh, I suppose she is, really, yes.
Oh, it was love at first sight.
Beg your pardon? -I worship her.
-Oh, you can't! I mean, she's a (STAMMERING) Well, you see I mean, she's not your type.
I mean, she's I mean, she's a little old for you, isn't she? What does age matter, Lurcio? She could be 50! Do you mind? 25.
Well, would you believe 33, then? I don't care, Lurcio.
I worship her.
Titicarta's the woman who'll make a man of me.
Oh, I wouldn't bank on that, master.
Oh, Lurcio, I know what'll happen.
I shall take her, and in the ecstasy of passion, quench the ache of my bleeding heart.
You bleeding won't, you know! We want Titicarta! We want Titicarta! We want Titicarta! (CHEERING) We want Titicarta! Dear, dear sisters.
I have some very sad news for you.
I fear I must leave you.
(EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE AND SADNESS) You see, owing to circumstances beyond my control, namely, the possibility of my being unwittingly got at.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK) Aye, it would be embarrassing, perhaps, for me to have a longer linger here, you see? So, I must transfer my activities somewhere else, to a land where the women are in ever more urgent need of help against their demanding menfolk, Australia.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING) Titicarta.
Oh, yes, Lieutenant.
I've been sent by General Ludicrus Sextus to tell you that he accedes to your demands.
(WOMEN CHEERING) -Come with me, now -Thank you.
and he will sign a treaty guaranteeing peace forever.
Ah, 'tis victory.
WOMEN: Hooray! Do you mind? Ladies first.
WOMEN: Hooray! Captain Bumshus, I cannot overemphasise the importance of this assignment.
Now, dishonour Titicarta, for if we can overcome her resistance All other resistance will collapse, sir.
Yes, but can you handle her? Oh, she's a very tough customer.
My dear General, I've handled rougher stuff than her and succeeded.
Ask your wife.
Er, ask anyone.
Well, now, she's in your hands.
Or, at least, I hope she soon will be.
(CHUCKLING) The lady is here, sir.
Ah, splendid, Lieutenant Preshus, show her in.
Will you come in, miss? Oh, thank you, Lieutenant.
So kind.
Oh, General? General Ludicrus? Where is the silly old fool? Do you know? (LURCIO EXCLAIMING) Oh, dear! Captain.
Sorry, my dear.
Did I startle you? Oh, not at all, not at all.
Oh! Well You look a bit upset.
Well, you see Would you mind shutting you gobs? That, er This usually happens if I move too quickly.
Would you excuse me a moment? There we are.
Level peggings again.
Yes, now, Captain, I want to see the General.
You see, I want him to sign a peace treaty.
That's right, my dear, I know that, but you don't think that he would do it for nothing, do you? Non, non, mon Capitaine, non, non.
"Mon Capitaine"? Spanish.
Single-breasted yobbo.
Yuck.
Er, Captain, if you would tell the General to accede to my demands, the women would cohabit again.
That's splendid.
All we have to decide is which comes first, a spot of signing, or a spot ofcohabiting.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I don't like the look of this.
I don't like the look of this.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes? What's he done that for? He hasn't got a nose bleed, has he? No! Get out of here! Now, Captain, you're not on manoeuvres now, you know.
Actually, old girl, I think it's time we got a little chummy over a glass, a little drinky-winky.
Drinky.
Drinky.
Little drinky-winky.
Dirty old devil, isn't he? Oh, I know what happens to these young girls, what? A locked door, a little drinky, a nuzzle around the A razzle round the ear, a razzle round the ear hole, same thing, and bang, frying tonight.
Hey! Get out! You see, I've gone all lopsided again! Look.
Get up there! Damn things.
They are a burden.
My dear, I'll tell you what, why don't we sit down, quite calmly, and discuss Discuss the pros and cons.
Ah No, no, I never discuss other women.
Other women? Pros and cons! That's very good! Excuse me, look.
You don't have to explain all the gags.
They're not stupid, you know.
Sit down.
May I recline here? Thank you so much.
That's better.
Now, drinky-winkies! Oh, turn my stomach over.
There we are now.
Ah, little drinkies! I see, mother and child.
I see.
Is this teensy-weensy tot for me? Just for you.
Yes.
You wouldn't be trying to get me tiddly, though, would you, by any chance? Oh, no.
What would you do if I did? I'm not telling you, saucy.
-Oh, come on.
-No, I won't.
-Be a sport.
Tell me.
-I'm not telling you, saucy! -Please tell me.
-All right, I'll tell you.
-Now, if I drink this lot -Yes? I shall be up and down all night.
Really? Yes, powdering me nose.
Oh, well.
Here's to us.
Bottoms up.
Yeah.
Not tonight.
Oh, thank you so much.
You know, you are an exciting woman.
Am I? Oh, I suppose I've been told that, yes.
-My dear Titicarta.
-Yes.
Or may I just call you No, you mayn't, or I shall have to shorten your name, Bumshus.
My dear, there's no need to be suspicious of me.
I've nothing to hide.
Oh, no, but I have.
-You know -What? I'm absolutely crazy about you.
Oh, now, now.
Do you mind? Get out of it.
Now, look Get out of it.
Get out of it! Oh, blimey! It's like cohabiting with an octopus, isn't it? Oh, my little plum.
-Eh? -My little plum! Yes, and I'm not going to be picked tonight! I'm not ripe.
-I'm mad about you.
Mad about you! -Now, get away.
Now, don't be naughty.
-Let me love you.
-There'll be No, I won't.
-I know what you're going to say.
-Now, you're making a mistake.
-You're not the same as any other girl.
-No, that's for sure.
-No, please don't.
-I will not be denied! -You will! Get out! -Let me love you! I've been robbed.
You naughty little cheat, you.
Yes, keep that as a souvenir.
This won't keep me away from you.
Look, Captain, if you'll be a good boy, I'll give you the other one to play with.
There you are.
That's the set.
Make a booby trap.
Now get away.
-You sorceress, come here.
Now I've got you.
-No, don't.
Do as I want, and I've got a little surprise for you.
Yes, if I do what you want, I'll have a hell of a surprise for you.
Oh, call for help! Get the fuzz, get the fuzz! Oh, I can't! Oh, Preshus, it's working.
It's working! Ludicrus, what's going on here? I'll tell you what's going on.
Your champion Titicarta is in that room with Captain Bumshus! -Oh, I don't believe it.
-Listen.
LURCIO: Oh, no, don't.
No, please don't.
Don't! (RIPPING) (BUMSHUS SCREAMING) Did you achieve your objective? Don't talk of it! We must surrender! Sign the treaty! Sign the treaty! Ah.
Well, there you are, you see.
That is how we stopped the men fighting.
But things didn't work out the way we hoped because, soon after, there was yet another war.
Would you believe it? Yet another war.
They went off fighting They all went off fighting about two weeks ago.
(MEN CHEERING) I think they're coming back.
They're coming back now.
AMMONIA: Sinister, dexter.
Sinister, dexter.
Sinister, dexter.
At least you must admit, it's a very moving show.
Cohort terminus! Ah, they're back! Welcome home! How went the war? Never mind that! First thing's first.
(LUDICRUS SQUEALING) I'll be out for you in a moment.
Ladies dismiss! Oh, isn't it marvellous? Ooh, look at them, look at them! Isn't it marvellous how the women Look! Wait, don't rush! Wait! Good gracious, the women, they're worse than the men, aren't they? They really are, these women.
They're worse than the men.
But look at me.
You see, as usual, left all alone.
It is a shame.
If only someone would come back from the war for me.
Yoo-hoo! Oh, no! Salute!