Velma (2023) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Previously on Velma
I'm sorry I refused to work
on your science fair project with you.
I thought you needed a reality check.
But maybe what you really need
is a father who's willing to listen.
Really?
Dr. Edna Perdue
is your grandmother?
You know my mom went missing
when she was researching her house.
Gigi, I swore you to secrecy!
I'm real tired of acting nice
to make people like me.
Okay. Well, in that case,
would you like to learn
some real witchcraft?
Norville, is Daphne reading
a spell book with interest?
Oh, no! In neutralizing
his hallucinations,
Norville accidentally removed
all his empathy.
I think smoking weed
makes you a loser.
Norville, that's just
the science talking. Take it back.
Or you'll get detention.
And you can all join him.
Saturday, 7:00 AM sharp.
What's great about best friends
is that they know the real you.
Are you sure I'll like Beyonce?
I usually only listen
to public radio theme songs.
Trust me,
you're gonna love her.
But just like Daphne knew the real me,
I knew the real her.
Daphne, come on.
Get off your phone.
Yeah, just one sec.
And Daphne Blake is no witch.
Right?
Poser.
Hey, your Saturday detention
looks just like The Breakfast Club.
Best movie of the best decade.
When you ignore the nukes,
crack and AIDS.
Dad, stop! No one in their right mind
is still making '80s references.
It's bad enough that Amber
has Daphne believing all this
'90s style witchy crap.
"Witchy crap"?
I hope that's a joke,
because this is me now.
So let's just burn some sage
to cleanse the
What is it?
Don't tell me.
- Negative energy.
- Negative energy. I knew that.
This isn't sage, Daphne.
It's an old pine cone.
Stupid witchcraft.
How cool is it that we went
ghost hunting last night, Dad?
Though, I still can't believe
you locked me out of the van
for six hours
as you and Velma's mom
loudly fought that ghost in here.
Yes, well, anything
to help my son
find the ghost
that possessed his mother.
You're doing the right thing,
pretending to believe him.
Eventually, he'll accept the truth
about Victoria on his own.
Or, you know,
you adopt and try again.
You're right. Admitting your mom's
a serial killer isn't easy.
I went through the same thing
at his age.
Enjoy detention and do
everything the teacher says.
Unless he's a pervert.
Use your judgment.
Or if he's a pervert,
your pepper spray.
Way ahead of you. I have regular
and spring break strength.
Thanks for taking me
to detention, Mom. Love you.
Suck a turd, Lamont.
I think you mean,
"Suck a turd, Dad."
You sure you got this?
His empathy isn't fully back.
He just called the mailman
"a blue shorts-wearing bitch".
He's not wrong, but still.
Don't worry. I so got this.
Great. Yeah, I'll be at the spa.
Don't bother me.
High school.
Best time of our lives.
Best of times indeed.
I'd do anything to go back.
Hey, we should
catch up sometime.
You know, maybe take
a little trip down memory lane?
Is that not what we just did?
Best time of our lives.
Hey, Aman. They just discovered
global warming in our pants.
Come on.
Yeah. Maybe this trip
down memory lane is better solo.
Daphne, I know you're mad.
Your mood ring is black.
Also, a mood ring? Really?
Forget it, Velma. Daphne doesn't
want us anymore.
We're like rich kids
trying to get into an Ivy these days.
Rejected, unless
you're super rich.
Only because you all rejected Amber
without ever giving them a chance.
Like they were a female
late-night talk show host.
I'm sorry, but the popular clique
has already absorbed
a mouthy nerd and brains in jars.
We have to draw
the line at witches,
or we're literally
just the drama club!
Stop yelling!
We're in a library.
This is where you yell at nerds.
Norville
Guys, I'm sorry
I got us all detention.
Fortunately, I feel
my empathy coming back.
I should be able
to apologize to my dad
and get us out of here.
- Wait. Really?
- Yes, Dad.
I'm so sorry
that you're a little bitty baby.
And I'm sorry you zapped your brain
and aren't really yourself.
But there's only one thing
that'll end detention
and it's not an apology.
Here comes the perv stuff.
What? No, no, no.
See, as your guidance counselor,
it's my job to monitor
your well-being.
Which I do via our school's
closed circuit camera system.
What? Principal Rogers said
those are for a Japanese reality show
called Unsafe American
High School.
Yes, well, the point is
I know each of you
is dealing with
a common teen issue.
Who am I?
Girlfriend is now a witch.
Don't even know
where to start.
Brain in a jar.
Has hallucinations
because he accidentally killed
Fred's mom with a stalactite.
This is all standard stuff, people.
Hold on. Saturday detention,
teens reduced to a single
character trait?
Was my dad right?
Oh, no.
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I would.
We're doing
a Breakfast Club, baby.
By following the rules
of the '80s best movie,
you'll be here
until unsanctioned hijinks
lead to tidy teen
issue resolution.
But teens
are over '80s references.
And yet, every time pop culture
tries to move forward,
some Gen X loser like you
holds a boom box over his head
and we all have
to moonwalk back to 1982.
The moonwalk wasn't
debuted until 1983, you dork!
Nobody cares anymore!
I see. And you all feel this
way about '80s references?
Unless we're talking
trickle-down, I'm out.
Perfecto-mundo!
'Cause there's nothing more '80s
than dorks, misfits
and popular kids
uniting against
an authority figure.
Let the catharsis through
minor rebellion begin.
Yes, Daphne's
already sneaking out.
Relax, I'm just going to pee.
Something girls didn't start doing
until '90s independent films.
If you're here to apologize
about earlier, don't.
- I'm not that mad.
- Wait, really?
I came in thinking you might cram me
in the tampon dispenser.
That's just it. Being popular is all
about power and domination.
Wicca is about kindness.
Putting my faith into
positive energy and
Shoot! What's the third thing?
Following the Wiccan Rede.
Have you been using the flashcards?
This is my point, Daphne.
Amber, I have nothing
against you personally.
And yes, Daphne's more calm.
And that dress is, like, "Damn."
But
Where was I going with this?
You feel threatened by the waning
influence you have over Daphne?
No. I feel threatened by you
feeding her a bunch
of neo-pagan garbage.
Before you, the only magic
she liked was Mike.
See, that negativity is exactly why
you could never be Wicca.
- Wiccan. Which is it again?
- You gotta use the flashcards!
Still, as my girlfriend,
can you at least try to support me?
Fine. But only as your girlfriend.
As a friend, I still hate it.
Blessings.
And as your best friend,
I am gonna prove
that this is not who you are.
- Hey, there.
- I got a text alert.
That someone
logged into my computer.
Are you using the cameras
to monitor yet another
'80s movie detention?
You swore you'd stop those.
We installed those cameras
for a Japanese reality show.
I know. I'm not.
Even if I were, the kids aren't doing
anything fun or rebellious.
They're just doing nothing.
Like in a '70s movie.
This is your
final chapter, Norville!
Please, no. Not wordplay.
Norville! Oh, God!
You're hallucinating.
Yes, they just came back.
But seeing Victoria is good news.
If my hallucinations
have completely returned,
that means my empathy
has also completely returned.
Norville, I don't think you're having
hallucinations of Victoria.
I saw an energy around you.
I think you're being haunted
by Victoria's ghost.
What?
Wait.
That makes perfect sense.
Mother's been haunting Norville
as revenge for killing her.
Mother, if you're here,
send a sign.
It is her ghost.
She's ignoring me.
Fred, that makes no sense.
Why would eating make her go away?
Is she a ghost or a boyfriend?
Velma, Mother was a rich
bottle blonde in her fifties.
Nothing scared her
more than food.
Well, the only way we'll know for sure
is to try and summon Victoria with
a seance.
- Yeah, Amber, I don't know.
- Thank you. Finally.
A seance is exactly
the kind of rebellious thing
Lamont would want us to do
to fulfill his overdone '80s fantasies.
I know, but we have to try.
I'm desperate.
And if we concoct
an elaborate scheme
so my dad doesn't know we're
doing an elaborate scheme,
then it becomes a comment
on '80s movies.
And that's meta, which is our
generation's thing.
Wait, elaborate scheme?
That's it.
I can use this seance to prove
to Daphne that Amber's a fraud.
Was that an evil laugh?
Nope. Just getting
into the witchy spirit.
Velma, where are you?
I don't see you.
I know. I was trying to make
a peephole into the girls' showers
and got stuck in the wall. Help!
No! Peepholes
were one of the things
we had to leave in the '80s.
Like high-paying factory jobs.
I'll be right there.
And not a word of this to Blythe.
It worked. We have
at least 20 minutes
before he discovers I'm lying.
Okay, to commune with the dead,
we'll need something
that belonged to Victoria.
What about Steve Buscemi?
Mother won him in a poker game.
- Something smaller will do.
- Steve Buscemi's hand?
Daphne why don't you
and Velma go with Fred
to find something of Victoria's
and make sure it wasn't stolen
from marginalized people.
Jeez, how tight are the rails
on this gonna be?
Actually, if my memories of laughing
through books on spiritualism hold true,
candles always seem
to be part of seances.
Maybe Olive, Gigi and I could
go get some Bunsen burners
from the chemistry lab?
Good idea. And Norville,
we'll need something
to make a pentagram on the floor.
Can you get goat blood?
Yes, actually. There's a ton
of it in the cafeteria.
Perfect. I'll go with you in case
you have another encounter.
All right. Let's summon
a ghost, my witches.
God, I was the king here.
And I remember exactly
where it all went wrong.
Hey, Aman. You wanna go party
in the newspaper office?
I got something
that's gonna blow your mind.
And chicks supposedly
go crazy for it.
- You ever heard of law school?
- Law school?
You remember the '60s, guys?
Lots of Vietnam films out right now.
Lamo!
Velma, have you seen your father?
Does any child really see
their father, Sophie?
Now I gotta go.
Amber's doing a seance.
A seance?
I knew something was up
with those new witchy neighbors.
All their wind chimes have totally
screwed up Amanda's nap schedule.
Go back in Mom!
No chimes in Mom.
Steer clear of them, Velma.
Dark forces are at play.
Don't worry, they're harmless.
This witch business
is all a bunch of BS
and I'm about to prove it.
BS? But you were just so gung-ho
about helping with a seance,
we were gonna make fun of you
behind your back.
It was for show. I know Daphne
doesn't believe this stuff,
but the more I tell her that,
the more she digs in.
Like girls with
noncommittal boyfriends.
But this is our chance
to expose Amber as a fraud.
Yes! What if we make Amber
think they're channeling someone dead
but then we bust them by revealing
the person's actually still alive?
It's the classic Jesus prank.
Perfect. Daphne will then
see the error of her ways
and we welcome her back
into the warm glow
of her ring light.
Really? You don't think
this will work?
All right. Well, I keep some other
stuff of Mother's in here.
Perfume, creams made
from whales
- Wait, is that locket your mother's?
- Yes.
- It's her dogs.
- Yeah, it's her backup locket.
She had one of father
and me as well,
probably, but was buried with it.
Probably.
We have to go.
Lamont's on his way back
from the girls' locker room.
I just have to assume Velma was
another victim of the shower snakes.
Where's that old article
Blythe wrote?
Found it!
Here's to Aman getting an internship
at my old man's law firm.
Yeah. As a morally
virtuous young man,
I can't wait to help people.
Help people?
Don's dad just figured out a way
to buy musicians' song
catalogs out from under them.
What? I want no part of that.
No way I'm taking that internship.
Hey, get out.
You're supposed to be watching
for the principal, Lamo.
It's Lamont, Aman.
And what are you doing in here?
Taking a trip down memory lane
to when Principal Smith gave
us our awesome detention? Nice!
Drinking in school? Detention.
Even you, Lamo.
- It's Lamont, Principal Smith.
- Principal Smith?
What are you
talking about, Lamo?
Blythe!
What are you doing here?
I was talking about the past
with my homeslice Aman.
Where'd he go?
I cut my spa day short,
because I knew you were
forcing these poor kids
into an '80s detention, Lamont!
So now, you get to stay in detention
and make sure no one does anything.
You may have fooled her,
but I know you're up to something,
and I've never been happier.
What is it?
Well, we might as well tell you.
Norville's hallucinations are back,
but Amber now thinks
they are actually a ghost.
So we're having a seance
to prove Amber right.
Or wrong.
A seance?
That's incredible.
No. What's incredible is how you ever
had enough testosterone to sire a child.
JK. JK. I was just checking
that my empathy is fully back.
And it is. I can't
believe I said that.
Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick.
Son, please don't beat yourself up.
Kids today are already
so stressed out.
That's actually why I planned
these detentions.
So you're forced
to have some fun.
My detention back in the day
was so awesome, I fainted.
Missed the whole thing.
I've been trying
to relive it ever since.
And if I can help some teens
like you along the way, even better.
Well, then, good news, Lamont.
Because to pull off our seance,
we need you to distract Blythe
by recreating the most iconic
'80s movie scene ever.
Why are we looking up?
Lamont! What the hell are you
doing up there?
The Triple Lindy
from underrated '80s comedy,
Back to School.
Wait! Velma meant crawl through the
ceiling like in The Breakfast Club.
Oh, damn it!
Classic.
All right, everyone, hold hands
in a circle around Norville.
Here we go.
Spirit of Victoria Jones,
are you Wait.
I'm getting some
real bad energy from Velma.
Who, me? Nope.
Everything's normal.
Velma, I know you
and your flop sweat.
- You're up to something.
- No, I'm not.
I just feel it's weird
when adults hold hands.
Don't like it on Thanksgiving,
don't like it now.
Not buying it. Olive, Gigi,
I invoke a force stronger
than any magic
Girl Code.
If you know my girlfriend
is up to something,
you have to tell me.
Girl Code is just a myth
perpetuated by early 2000s comedy.
Velma wanted us to help
her expose Amber as a fraud.
What?
Velma, I thought you were
trying to support me.
This is worse than when
you secretly threw away my clogs.
I know. But you know I can't get behind
the idea of ghosts or magic
or higher powers in the universe.
Which is so interesting,
seeing as how you have had
an inexplicable,
otherworldly experience
with a higher power
and we both know it.
Hey, you can stop.
The song ended.
I don't care.
This feels too good.
Wait, what's happening?
- What are you?
- What am I?
I'm as close as you're
getting to Beyonce, kid.
What is this place? And is the line
for merch shorter?
This is where you go when Beyonce's
music awakens your soul.
To the endless possibilities
of our universe.
So if possibilities are endless,
can I float closer to the stage?
- You're not on the list.
- Oh, God!
I was just light-headed from yelling
at people who told me to stop singing.
You can try to brush it off,
but you know in your heart
that you encountered a power
higher than yourself that night.
It was an outdoor concert
sponsored by a microwave
burrito company.
Everyone was higher
than me that night.
Just face it.
You know I'm right.
I'm your best friend.
I know the real you.
This is exactly why I don't want you
doing these detentions.
People get hurt!
And healthcare is way worse now.
You only say that because
you had an awesome detention.
But I missed it.
And worse, you won't even
tell me how awesome it was.
Because it wasn't awesome.
Hey, should we help him?
Oh, no!
I've committed vandalism!
I'm gonna get expelled!
No. You can fake an injury
and sue the school.
My dad will represent you
if you take that internship
at his law firm.
What? But a moral
compromise like that
could change my whole life.
I wish you had never
introduced me to the law, Don.
Aman sued the school
to avoid expulsion.
But it cost him his soul.
I became a principal to ensure
no more lives
were ruined by detention.
And Don got as far away
from the law as possible
by joining the military.
I wrote an article about it back then,
but never published it.
There's still a copy in the newspaper
office, though. Come on.
Wait, it's gone!
Okay, fine, Daphne.
Maybe there might be
some kind of higher power,
but it's still a stretch
to go from passing out
at a Beyonce concert
to summoning ghosts.
Well, then what if
we don't call it a seance?
What if instead, we honor
your Beyonce experience
and call it a
Se-yonce?
A Se-yonce. That's so beautiful.
That just might work. Wow, Daph,
you really do know me.
And just to be clear,
this is still about figuring out
if I'm haunted
by a ghost, right?
Wait. I thought it was about my mother
explaining she's innocent.
It can still be about those things.
I'm just way more invested
now that it's also about me.
That's right. And I know
the perfect chant to get us started.
Everyone knows Beyonce's
song, "Haunted," right?
It's what you do,
it's what you see.
I know if I'm haunting you,
you must be haunting me.
I know
Did George R.R. Martin
finally release his next novel
or are my nipples erect because
the temperature just dropped?
It's Mother. Flickering lights was her
favorite wasting energy flex.
Keep chanting, everyone!
A magnificent spirit is near!
Ah, nuts. I scared it off.
I knew I was coming
on too strong.
Oh, God, there's something
in here with us.
It's Mother. Tell them
you're innocent!
And also that we are using
your backup locket,
not the one
with my picture in it!
There's a hidden inscription.
"This locket contains the only
things I've ever truly loved."
"I own no other lockets."
What?
Oh, God! It's the ghost.
Kill it!
Amber? I knew it was you
as soon as I saw it was you.
But it wasn't. I was just trying
to catch the real spirit.
We all felt it, right?
The only thing I feel
is the satisfaction of being right.
Face it, Amber.
You staged everything.
How could they? They've been with us
the whole time.
Just because
there are mysteries in life
that the great Velma Dinkley
can't solve,
doesn't mean you should
take it out on Amber!
Oh, but I can solve this mystery.
All Amber would have to do
is distract us with some
seance mumbo jumbo
while they fiddled
with this old electrical box.
And cranking up the AC
not only provided the spooky
supernatural chill
in the room,
but it also blew the books
and papers off the shelves.
I have to admit, Amber.
I thought your skills were relegated
to the handmade soap realm,
but apparently I was wrong.
What? None of that is true.
Yeah. They didn't
do it, Velma.
You're more off base than when
you tried to go to second.
I'm off base? What about you
and all this witchy stuff?
This isn't you, Daphne.
It's a whim, like when
we made Pride and Prejudice
our whole personality.
No, it is me. I went to Thorn's
bookstore, read a lot
and gave it a ton of thought.
You, of all people, know how much
I've struggled to find the real me.
And I finally did.
This is who I am.
That's not true. It can't be.
Because it's not the unknown
that freaks me out.
It's idiots like you who ignore facts
and science that do.
What's going on here?
It's 4:45.
Your parents can and will sue
if we keep you past 5:00.
- Oh, God!
- Aman?
- So how was detention, son?
- How was it?
I lost my innoc-once.
Are you ready
for tonight's ghost hunt?
More than ever.
So how did the seance go?
It was bad, but I am glad I tried.
You're right about me
needing to relax.
Maybe the '80s
can still teach us stuff.
No, they can't.
It's time for me and every guy my age
to stop living in the past.
And start living in the even more
distant past of the Civil War
like we're supposed to.
There's a lot to be said
for a tidy '80s ending.
Today's endings are all
about the throw forward.
Wait, what's that?
Hey, I'll catch up
with you guys later.
Why would Mr. S have something
from the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum?
Dr. Dane Dupree?
Holy crap.
Is my grandma alive?
Hey, buddy. Remember this?
I was serious when I said
I wanted to catch up.
You owe me.
And lives are at stake.
So was Aman looking for the article
the whole time
in order to get Don to talk to him?
It seems this high school is even
more unsafe than we thought!