What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Here we are. [GRUNTS]
I keep all of my correspondences
from the past seven and a
half centuries in this box.
I used to get so many letters.
Who's it gonna be?
From my mom and dad
when I was away training with
the Al Quolanudarian forces.
"Dear Nandor,
we hope that the rocks
there are not too hard."
At training camp, we would
use rocks as pillows.
And blankets.
This one is a letter from
the leader of an army
that we defeated with
particular brutality.
Tens of thousands were slaughtered.
I guess I never had a chance to open it.
"I resign myself to surrender.
I plead for a road to peace."
Oops.
Oh, this one is good.
An anonymous friend sent me a token
for a free scoop at Baskin and Robbins.
I can't eat ice cream,
but it meant a lot.
I have asked Guillermo
to bring me his computing machine
so I can see if I have received
any electronic letters
- in the past decade.
- GUILLERMO: Okay.
- All right.
- Ah, yes.
GUILLERMO: Connect this
All right, there you go.
It's connected to this Ethernet cable.
Yes, I know how the
ether works, Guillermo.
- No, Ethernet.
- Give me this.
[ERROR CHIME]
[ERROR CHIME CONTINUES]
Okay. Well, if that's it,
I'm gonna head out, 'cause I
have a couple of errands to run.
- Okay, then, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, uh, I got some blood
on my fancy collar,
so if could you get me one of those
- Tide to go pens?
- Soapy pens
- you can use on clothing.
- Tide to go pens.
The Tide pen.
- The "to go" variety.
- To go.
There's money in the dish
on the table in my room.
The money dish.
Uh, it's gone black.
No, no, it's just asleep.
Arise. Arise!
What is "arise," again?
Control-alt-seven?
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪
CLAUDE: What if it's a
little old lady vampire?
- KIDS: Kill.
- What if it's a little baby vampire?
- KIDS: Kill.
- Oh, look here.
Guillermo, you ready
to slay some Suckers?
Uh I brought some wooden stakes
- that I had at home so we can practice,
- TONYA: Nice.
- Slaying some Suckers.
- CLAUDE: Right on.
GUILLERMO: I've decided to
[WHISPERS]: infiltrate the group
and sabotage whatever plans they have.
'Cause I would never forgive
myself if something happened
to Nandor, Nadja or Laszlo.
But I don't think I have to be
worried too much with this
CLAUDE: Stab it, stab it like this!
Gotta kill it.
Glad you brought your camera crew, too.
Helps get the word out.
For too long, these
vampires have gotten away
with treating humans like
either dinner or dirt.
You know, every relationship
has its ebbs and flows.
Ooh! I'm feeling good.
- DEREK: Yeah. Yes.
- You feeling good?
- I feel good.
- Hell yeah.
Yeah.
You guys are pumped for training.
CLAUDE: Training? Nah. Training's over.
- What-what's going on?
- Our first official hunt.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, uh No, I thought
we were just going to,
- uh, practice today
- No, no, no.
We finally have a real target.
Shanice, fill him in.
You know my roommate who
was turned into a vampire?
Well, I think I figured out
where the ones who turned her live.
It's a house right
here in Staten Island.
It's a very spooky-looking place.
No one goes in or out during the day.
No cars are parked out front.
And there a lot of bats.
Plus, there are these very strange
tr tr tenopinaries. Tipperaries?
- Chilip Tilopirar
- Topiary.
These hedges out in the front yard.
Do, uh, any of these hedges look like
vaginas?
[STIFLED LAUGH] My man.
SHANICE: I mean, I guess
some of them are of the adult nature.
I think I know what house
you're talking about.
They're normal human beings.
They're not vampires.
They're, like, teachers or
social workers, actually.
- We are going there tonight.
- Yes!
No! We shouldn't go tonight.
This is my second meeting. I
thought we were gonna just
Ha practice.
I could go another round
at that crossbow.
And I know that Derek
mentioned something.
You could go another round, right?
- No, I'm good.
- I'm pretty sure you said it.
No, we've never talked outside of this.
Okay, well, he doesn't remember.
- Gear up. Let's ride.
- Yes.
TONYA: All right, guys.
We have enough for, like,
two holy waters per person.
[HYPERVENTILATING]
Breathing exercises. I
like it, Guillermo.
I'm going to check my Hotmail.
Password?
Uh What is my password?
A secure, alphanumeric one, I hope.
People think that just varying
the case and adding a number
is enough to keep
would-be hackers at bay,
but the truth is,
that's just the floor, not the ceiling.
I have a very secure password,
okay, Colin Robinson?
My password is an impenetrable fortress.
That's it. "Impenetrable fortress."
I have two e-mail messages.
"Fandango.com presents
an advanced screening
"of The Blind Side and you are invited.
The screening is October the 8th, 2009."
- I
- Too late.
- I missed it.
- [LAUGHS]: Sandy Bullock.
She was absolutely delightful in it.
She dazzled. I mean, you've seen Speed,
Miss Congeniality, Speed
2, Miss Congeniality 2,
- and Practical Magic.
- [HISSES]
Well, that, that's just rude. [CHUCKLES]
Next message.
"This is not a joke.
"You are now cursed.
"Forward this message to ten people
"and unforeseen riches will be yours.
"If you don't, you will be killed.
"Bloody Mary knows who you
are and where you live.
"She will find you and hang
your corpse for all to see.
"You have until sunrise tomorrow.
"No send-backs.
This is not a joke."
Nadja!
Laszlo!
"Warning. If you've read
this far, it's too late."
You stupid bloody donkey.
- Why did you let me read this far?
- Well
Says here some girl called
Arianna disobeyed Bloody Mary,
and now she's dead.
They ripped her guts out
and dropped them on the front
doorstep of her parents.
- Oh!
- I'd say we're fucked.
This light box has cursed us.
Do you think it could maybe be something
from the neighborhood imp,
having a cheeky little joke?
This is not a joke.
It says it in many places.
Here, here, and here.
Don't look, my sweet darling.
It's too dangerous.
Curses are very common
- and very serious.
- Yes, this is true.
When I was younger, I saw so many
horrible curses going around.
There was a man who was
just in the market,
and he didn't pay the fair
price for the meat of a goat,
then, poof, you know, his
bollocks are shriveled into
two tiny little raisins.
The man's bollocks. Not the goat's.
Oh, yeah. No, sorry. I
thought that was clear.
- No, it wasn't.
- [CHUCKLES]
[SCREAM ECHOING]
Curses really hit you where it hurts.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I definitely, uh, succeeded
with the infiltrating part of the plan,
but I'm having a little
trouble with the sabotage
in that we're about to drive a
van full of vampire-killing
weapons to the house.
I just need to pretend I'm one of them.
Just, just pretend
Guillermo! We gotta move.
Derek's mom needs the van back
first thing tomorrow morning.
- Let's ride.
- Yeah.
Why did you even open
this thin machine?!
I was just checking my e-mails.
I didn't know it would
be full of curses.
All right, calm down.
All we need to do is send
that to ten friends or foes
by sunrise, and the
curse will be lifted.
Where are we going to get
the e-mail addresses,
the "e-mail address shop"?!
No, I'm guessing that'll be
closed this time of night.
I do have the e-mail address
for a Count Fandango.
Well done, Nandor. Send it to him.
One step forward to unforeseen fortunes.
One step away from getting
our guts ripped out.
What do you say?
- [HISSES]
- How dare you do that?
You want to end up like Arianna?
- Fine.
- Hold your bleedin' horses.
Some chap's left his calling card.
A "Timothy," at Circuit City stores.
"Happy to help," he says.
It also has his phone number
and e-mail address.
- [NADJA CACKLES]
- [NANDOR LAUGHS]
Looks like Timothy's going to be getting
- a curse in the electronic post.
- NANDOR: Yeah!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hi, Timmy!
- [CLAUDE WHOOPS]
- [LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
CLAUDE: Watch out, mosquitoes! [WHOOPS]
[OTHERS WHOOPING]
You know, maybe we could keep
it down a little bit, huh?
It's actually hard to focus
on, uh, on vampire killing
when it's so loud, you know?
- [LOWERS VOLUME]
- Thank you.
[WHISPERING]: I feel hot and sweaty.
I can't stop shaking since I got here.
- CLAUDE: You say something, Guillermo?
- Uh, no.
I was just saying that, uh, maybe
we're getting a late start, you know.
We should probably be doing this
tomorrow, during the day.
My mom needs the van tomorrow.
- She's catering a quinceañera.
- Cool, cool, cool.
That explains the boxes
of, uh, shrimp
Yeah, man, knock yourself out, you know.
Okay, yeah, let me
let me take a look at
This is bad. This is bad.
- [LINE RINGING]
- Laszlo. Laszlo
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Whoa! What clarion call is that?
The clagging chimes of doom?
- [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
- Shh. Where is it coming from?
This way.
- [NADJA CRYING OUT]
- NANDOR: I will answer it.
LASZLO: No, you won't.
If that curse can travel
through the Internet,
it'll sure as shit travel
through that telephone.
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
GUILLERMO [ON MESSAGE]:
We're not in right now,
but if you'd like to leave
a message for Nandor,
- Nadja or Laszlo,
- COLIN: And Colin Robinson!
- Please do so at the tone.
- [BEEP]
[HARSH WHISPER]: You need to get
out of the house right now.
You need to get out or you're gonna die.
- [GASPS]
- Get out now!
You're gonna die.
This is not a joke.
- Shit.
- [BEEPS OFF]
How did Bloody Mary get
our bloody phone number?!
Her power knows no bounds.
Did I tell you about the time
when Arianna's guts
were ripped out of
- Yes, we just read the e-mail!
- Yeah.
We need more addresses.
LASZLO: Well, then, you
need to make one up.
It is very hard to come up with names
when everyone is shouting.
What is a good name?
I know one we could try.
Bloody fucking Mary!
That little piss snake
thinks she can send a curse to us?
Well, let's see how she likes
it when I send an e-mail to
bloodyfuckingmary@aol.com.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
- Did she reply?
No. It is from "mailer-daemon."
ALL: Demon!
- Knock, knock, knock, knock, knocking.
- [DOOR CREAKING]
Oh. Hey, guys. Come on in.
- No, that's fine.
- Right.
Oh, hello, Colin Robinson.
We were just sat around
thinking do you know what
would be the best thing
in the world ever?
- Get Colin Robinson's e-mail address.
- Why?
- To give you a discount card.
- To send you a packet of three.
NADJA: I'm just really
into, like, computers.
Uh-huh. But why do you really want it?
Because we have a huge
fucking curse on us!
We need ten e-mail
addresses pronto, Tonto,
- or it's [MAKES SLASHING SOUND]
- COLIN: Huh.
Who got you? Tommy Knockers?
The Headless Apothecary?
- Bloody Mary.
- [NADJA SOBS]
Oh. [LAUGHS] Oh, she's
a sneak, that one.
Sure, I'll give you my e-mail address.
- Ha!
- Then I get the curse,
and I can pass the curse on
to the company directory.
Send it to Jason first. He'll
send it over to Andrew.
It'll get to Becky.
When it gets to Becky,
I'm gonna get a talking-to.
Don't want to be rude, Colin
Robinson, but could you
get on with it? Otherwise
it's certain death.
- Okay. Well, let me just write it down.
- NANDOR: No, just say it to us.
This pen's dead.
- Just say it to us.
- I'm gonna try the old Bic.
- It's gonna take a second.
- You can just say it to us.
Oh, I wouldn't dare, not
with Internet security
being how it is these days.
A lot of Fortune 500 companies today
suffer from corporate espionage.
- "travelbug54@aol.com"?
- Dot-com. Right.
I chose that e-mail address
because I enjoy traveling.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
CLAUDE: Here we go.
♪
[LAUGHING]: Yes!
It's not our house.
We're fine. We're gonna be okay.
- [WHOOPS]
- It's not our house. I mean,
even the topiary, it's not even erotic.
They're just giant balls.
[GUILLERMO EXHALES]
Ready for your first hunt, Guillermo?
Technically, it's
all our first hunt,
- but yeah.
- True, true.
GUILLERMO: Destiny is a funny mistress.
I mean, I highly doubt
there's any vampires in there.
GUILLERMO: Okay, let's do this, I guess.
CLAUDE: Oh, hell yes.
GUILLERMO: And let's
just be cautious, guys.
'Cause they could just
be regular people.
And we're, like, breaking
into their house.
CLAUDE: Get your cameras on.
I smell vamps.
CLAUDE: Very clever hiding place.
Familiars are such idiots.
They're they're not idiots.
[WHISPERS]: See? See, I told you,
they're just a regular family.
Come on, let's go.
Are you kidding me? That's just
what they want us to think.
These are decoy photos.
All right, let's split up.
Derek, Tonya, check that way.
I'll check over here.
Newb, you stick with Shanice.
Check upstairs.
Let's eviscerate these vamps.
No! No, no, no, let's not
eviscerate anyone, okay?
This is already breaking and entering.
Let's just leave this family alone
- before it gets worse.
- I'm just gonna go upstairs.
No, Shanice
Are you just gonna stay
down here by yourself?
- And get murdered?
- Shanice!
We could go to prison for this.Shanice.
[CREAKING FROM ABOVE]
Did you hear that?
What is that, a cage?
Oh, check this out, man.
DEREK: A bat cage.
Who poses for a picture of themself
with themself?
That's not normal.
- SHANICE: Oh.
- GUILLERMO: See?
If there was vampires, wouldn't
they be awake right now?
That's true.
Come on, let's go.
They're just kids.
You know, I used to have star stickers
like that when I was a kid.
Ursa Major, Ursa Minor.
Uh, Canis Major, Canis Minor.
Shanice, we need to go!
You know what, if the police showed up,
- I think it's
- We need to go, okay?
Shanice, we need to go right now.
BOTH: Where are you going?
Holy! [WHIMPERS]
BOTH: Vampires!
[PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, baby
- We need to get everybody to the van.
- [LAUGHTER]
My heart is full of love
and desire for you ♪
- [SCREAMS]
- Go, go, go, go, go!
[SCREAMS]
You started this fire ♪
Down in my soul ♪
[GRUNTS]
I'm okay, I'm okay!
COLIN: Now that you
have my e-mail address,
I'll get your e-mail addresses
and you'll be signed up
automatically for my e-newsletter.
- [GROANS]
- It's bi-weekly
and-and by bi-weekly,
I mean twice a week
This week I'm taking a deep dive into
I have to go, I have to
- Shit! Shit! Shit! Guys?! Guys?!
- Can't stay alive
Without you ♪
[PANTING]
Whoever finds this,
you have to warn everyone.
[GROWLS AND SNARLING]
[SCREAMS]
Desire for you ♪
Derek, let's go!
No way! Guys?
"Dancing in the Moonlight"?
I bet vamps really love this tune
- No, we have to go!
- [SCREAMS]
Oh, my God! Where's the holy water?
- [SCREAMING]
- Come on, let's go!
Guys, we did it! We
actually found a vamp!
[SCREAMS]
Where are they?
[ALL SHOUTING, CLAMORING]
[PANTING]
I have to go back, I have to go back
or they're gonna die.
I have to go back, I got to go back.
♪
CLAUDE: Get the fuck off of me! Shit!
[SCREAMS] I shoved a stake in my foot!
- Go, get out.
- I'm trying.
- Go!
- It really hurts.
- I got a hole in my foot!
- [HISSES]
[LAUGHS, SCREAMS]
You have to get out of
the house go, go go!
BOTH: A midnight snack?
[GRUNTS] Sorry.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
SHANICE: Help me!
Shanice!
- Somebody, help!
- Shanice!
Somebody help!
[SCREAMING]
Are you okay?
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- All right.
I'm okay. [SCREAMS]
[VAMPIRES HISSING]
Stay back! Get back!
[SCREAMS]
[SHOUTING, CLAMORING]
We have to go! We have to go, sorry!
[SCREAMS]
[ALL HISSING]
[SCREAMS]
CAMERAMAN: Fuck!
[SHOUTING]
SHANICE: Where's Derek?
I couldn't find Derek!
- It's too late for him now.
- Oh. Oh
- [SNARLING NEARBY]
- [WHIMPERING]
We still have to get the
van back to Derek's mom.
CLAUDE: Yep.
Sir bob
gel
dolph@yahoo.com.
- There, it is done.
- [GRUNTS]
That is ten e-mails. [LAUGHS]
LASZLO: So what do we
do, wait till sunrise?
How do we know that Sir Bob Geldolph
- has that e-mail?
- Uh
- [NEARBY THUD]
- Oh
Whoa, it's all right.
NADJA: Oh, no!
Don't fear, my darling.
Laszlo, your forearm is not curse-proof!
Please!
All this is playing havoc with my guts.
Talking about guts, I did
tell you about Arianna
when her guts were dragged
outon the doorstep?
- Yes, yes!
- No, no, no, please!
Bloody Mary, have mercy on us!
Do not rip our guts out!
Guillermo?
You scared the shit out of us!
What was that
dilly-dallying at the door?
Could you just come in
like a normal person?
The door's getting stuck again.
I like tie-dye have
you been to a concert?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
The Tide to go pens were
on sale, so you got some
extra cash.
Unforeseen riches.
NADJA: Oh, the curse!
- It has lifted!
- [LAUGHS]
[ALL THREE CLAMORING]
[STAMMERS] You don't even
know what this is about.
Laszlo, now, really?
LASZLO: Oh, yes.
♪
You know, while you were
out running your errand,
we were in very serious danger.
Because of your machine.
We could have been killed tonight.
Did you know that?
It was really scary.
I'm sorry, Master.
Guillermo?
Yes?
Would you mind staying
for a few moments,
just until I fall asleep?
Of course.
Thank you.
Guillermo?
Yes, Master?
I don't wish to be
murdered in my slumber.
I know it's a little silly,
because we defeated the curse.
But with that and all these stories
about vampires being murdered
lately, I'm feeling a little
less fearless than I usually do.
Just a little.
- I'll stay, Master.
- Thank you.
I'm not asleep yet, Guillermo!
I don't know how it ♪
Done happened ♪
The devil caught me napping ♪
He must've come without a-rapping ♪
Without a-rapping on my door ♪
And he done took me flirting ♪
But he and I ♪
Don't talk no more ♪
Baby, is you sure? ♪