White Van Man (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Wait there, don't get out.
Don't get out.
My Lady.
Thank you.
And here you go, treat yourself to a pretty little dress.
I'm sorry, a pretty little dress? Is this doubling up as a time machine now? Because we appear to be in 1955.
I just want tonight special.
We've got me and you together alone and a stunning meal.
I never buy you anything, so go on.
All right, well, don't expect anything kinky in return.
I won't.
And don't expect change either.
I want you to know I'm appalled by the idea and the only reason I'll agree to it is to punish you for suggesting it in the first place.
Do you understand? Not really.
Tough.
I will never understand the way women work.
Ollie! Jasmine! Hello.
Oh, my God, how long's it been? Since you ripped me heart out and trampled it into the ground? I don't know I think it's been ten years.
Ten years? So, how you been? You look great.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I've Well, you know this is me.
Oh, you took over your dad's business? That's cool.
Yeah.
Clearly keeping in shape.
Oh, I don't know about that, just, er So, what about you? What you doing? Me? Oh, different city every week, all-night parties, superstar boyfriend.
Really? No.
I'm single and I work in a solicitor's in Bristol.
Ollie Curry.
The one I let get away.
Oh, I don't know about that.
So I'm only in town for a day.
Do you want to get early drink before I get the train, catch up on old times? I'd love that.
Yeah? I'll finish work early and we'll go for a drink in The Oak? Give me your phone.
There you go.
All right.
That's my number.
This is me.
Cool.
All right, I'll see you later.
Don't make me miss my train.
Why would I do that? I don't know.
Good to see you! No.
Oh! Oh, It's a date.
It's not a date.
It's a date.
You know it, I know it.
It's not a date.
Do you still find her attractive? No, I don't know.
She's got, you know She's got a certain charm It's a date.
It's not God, I've got a date, haven't I? Yeah, you have.
I just hope Emma doesn't find out.
How's she going to find out? Maybe I should ring her.
Emma or Jasmine? It's a web of lies, isn't it? Shut up, Darren, you're doing me 'ead in! Winding me up already.
Right, let's see what we've got here.
Here we go Patrick Smallcock.
Smallcock? Yeah, it says there, look.
"Smallcock.
" If this turns out to be the Patrick Smallcock who taught me at school, I'm going to smash his face in.
Shut up, Darren.
Seriously, I really am.
There's something wrong with you.
Hello.
That's him.
Darren Brown? Darren! You just punched a bloke in a wheelchair! I know.
I want to do it again.
Hello.
Bloody hell! Didn't hear you.
You're like a little blonde ninja.
Why, thank you! What were you looking at? Me? No, nothing.
No.
Wasn't looking at anything.
Was it that shirt? No.
No.
I've got shirts.
OK.
Then it was either one of the pretty little dresses or the Footballers' Wives VHS box set.
It was the shirt.
Why were you embarrassed about that? Apart from the general grossness.
I don't know, I It's for a date.
Tony! A date.
That's fantastic news! Congratulations! Well, I don't know.
What about Ollie? You know, cos of his mam.
He'll be fine.
He'll be pleased for you.
Enjoy it.
OK.
OK, well, good luck.
Emma.
Can you help me? It's been 35 years since I had a date.
Thank God, I thought you were never going to ask.
OK, firstly, I'm not letting you buy that shirt.
Looks like somebody vomited up a Smurf.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
I've been with loads of men.
No.
No, I've been on dates with loads of men.
So, I know about dates.
I wasn't saying that I I understand.
You're a very modern woman.
No, no, I wasn't saying that God, this is going to be a long day.
'What were you thinking?' I couldn't help it.
The horrors of my past overwhelmed me.
You can't just go around punching people in the face, especially him.
Why not? Why not? He's in a wheelchair.
That's discrimination, that is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
If Osama Bin Laden had been in a wheelchair, would you have said, "No, Special Ops, don't shoot him, he's in a wheelchair?" Darren, that's not the same on so many levels.
It is to me.
He was a vindictive bastard.
He's right, I was.
What? I caused Darren hell, acted a proper asshole with something to prove, nit-picking at everything.
I pretty much used him as a punchbag for all my frustrations.
See? He enjoyed it! It's still no reason to punch me.
You had it coming, Smallcock! Grow up, Purple Rain! Darren! What you trying to kick him for? Stop it, right? Listen, listen.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's better, do I stand? Pick one.
OK.
Can I just sincerely apologise for my assistant's Business partner.
Behaviour.
I'm sorry.
Fine.
Look, peace offering.
I thought maybe we could sort this out over a cup of tea? No, no, I'm not negotiating.
Darren, let me just give you a hand with this.
I'm fine.
I'll help you, you're struggling.
Jesus, stop trying to help me! I'm better if you don't.
Ha! Pissed yourself.
I think that's very brave.
It's not brave, it's a fact, you eejit! I'm sorry.
Sorry, is that burning? Stop acting like a dick.
Look, can we just have a chat, try and clear the air, so you can get on with your work without me getting under your skin? Yeah, why not, Smallcock? Stop saying that like it's an insult! It is! Oh, stop it now, the pair of you, please! Let me just Hang on.
For God's sake.
I'm going to take this phone call, right? I'm going to go outside and come back in.
Please, try not to kill each other, all right? Darren, look at me, please.
Calm down.
Hello, Liz.
Are you going on a date with Jasmine Brooks? No.
It's not a date Oh, my God, you are.
Look, how did you even know? A woman on the bus just told me.
What? It's Jasmine Brooks! You might as well buy an ad in the Gazette.
If I know, Emma knows.
Oh, my God.
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes when she finds out.
I'd like a ringside seat, but Liz, I'm sorting it, all right? OK, good luck.
God! Hi.
Listen, erm, I've got a problem with tonight.
Oh, really? What? Yeah, it's just, erm, just something.
A work thing.
I really did want to see you as well.
Yeah, me too.
It's a shame you're only in town for one night, cos we could have done something tomorrow or on Sunday.
But that's not going to happen now, is it? Well it might.
I could stay at my sister's and then we could spend the whole weekend together.
Yeah, sounds great! So, we can have that drink tonight? Yeah, I can't wait.
Me too.
All right, see you later.
Bye, love.
Bye.
What a dick.
What a DICK! Right, you two What's going on? We're working.
I can see that.
Why? Why? Cos it's what you pay me to do.
Oh, yeah, and we've had a chat, ironed a few things out.
Oh.
I've apologised and he's agreed to let bygones be bygones.
Yeah, it's time I stepped up and showed you how mature I can be.
For that second van, eh? Seriously, everything's cool.
Yeah? Yeah.
Right.
Good, because I've got to pop out.
Leaving town for a few days till it all quietens down? I'm guessing you've made your date situation worse.
No, why would? No.
You just do your work, right? I'll be back in a bit.
Darren, are you sure everything's all right? Yeah, totally.
He's fine.
Don't you worry about him.
I know how to keep him in line if he starts playing up.
OK, good.
Darren, be good, right? See you in a bit.
Good Luck.
Chop, chop, get to work.
Calm down, calm down, it's all in the past.
You're a ninja.
A Smurf, really, I Why does it matter so much what I wear? Trust me, Tony, you'll thank me in the morning.
No, err, sorry, I am not coming across well today.
Right, now it's time to get rid of all your worries about telling Ollie.
I don't know Come on, he'll be excited for you, you big lump.
You all right? What are you two doing together? Shopping! Then your dad insisted we came to speak to you because he's got something to talk to you about.
Oh, OK.
I thought we'd have a talk about relationships.
Oh, God! Uh, what me and your mum had, I mean, that was something really special, you know.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Sometimes things change, you know? I know.
I don't want things to change.
I'm happy with the way things are.
All right.
.
Well, if that's how you feel Well, yeah, it is, yeah.
Well, that's that then, I'll go home and cancel the date.
Well, I can do that.
Fine.
Right.
Thank you, though.
Why would you cancel the date? What? She's not going to replace any one, it's just a bit of fun.
I for one am very excited to meet her.
Really? Who knows what might happen? Emma! Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting? Cos I'm not sure that's something I want.
It's something I want, so stop being so selfish.
I'm going to tell Tony, OK? I don't see why he's got to know about it.
Jesus! She really is a modern woman.
Well, hello there.
Fancy bumping into you in a place like this.
No.
Why not? Cos you look like Noel Edmonds auditioning for Grease.
Go out and try again.
All right.
Fight the power! Fight the power! Fight the power! We've only just begun Do you remember that time I confiscated your walkman? Yeah.
The music you had on that was shite.
They call me Mr Boombastic A really romantic Clearly your taste hasn't got any better.
Is that the wallpaper I ordered? Yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah.
It looks a little different.
Are you sure you got the right one? Yep.
Darren, it looks like something you've rolled up and smoked.
Better go check the catalogue, eh? Brings back old memories, Darren boy.
Watching the signs along the way Calm down, D-Dog, don't lose it now.
Dig in deep.
OK, so I think we're going to order some drinks now.
I'll have a white wine, please.
Tony? We're in a restaurant, pretend.
A pint of Nutguzzler, please.
Nutguzzler.
Local ale.
Tony, if a lady orders wine, perhaps it's best to order a bottle.
God, it's been too long, hasn't it? I'm too old.
No, look, it's going to be fine.
You just need get this sorted and she will adore you.
Even if it does go well, I'm not sure I can still You know.
Ever since the second Oh, that wasn't an image I needed.
Look, Tony, you're attractive man, you've just need to start believing it for yourself.
You are Maplebury's Tom Selleck.
If you say so.
It's just I don't know what people your age like.
I know.
But that's going to be fine.
I'm sorry, did you say people my age? Tony, who are you going on a date with? I may have got a bit carried away here.
Hey, Mr Loverman.
Shabba.
I had to get some stuff, so I thought I'd come and say hello.
Hello.
Hello.
What do you want, Ollie? I mean, if you need advice on your love life, just ask.
Did you cancel that date? Sort of.
What's that mean? We're spending the weekend together.
Oh.
Yeah.
And on the plus side, Emma's already found out.
How'd she take that? That's it, good.
I think she's wants a threesome! No, she doesn't.
She is not like that.
She is, she lived in London for ages.
I better go back to Darren and Mr Smallcock.
Smallcock? Yeah.
Patrick Smallcock? Yeah.
Ollie, you have left Darren alone with the man he hates most in the world.
More than Simon Cowell? Yeah.
He's not going to be able to control himself.
That's where you're wrong, actually.
Because they've sorted it out and Darren is being angelic.
Oh, is he? Yes.
People can change, Liz, people change.
Here he is now.
Hello? Hey.
I'm losing it, man.
I can feel it coming.
I'm going to crack open and unleash hell on this dude.
I've had ten years of hatred brewing.
You shouldn't have left me alone with him.
No, you both said you were fine, you said you were OK.
I thought it would be.
I wanted to prove to you that I could do it, but I can't.
I've been thinking of things to do to this guy since I was 15, surely I could do a few of them.
That'd be OK, wouldn't it? No.
Get your work done, Darren, that's what you're there for.
Can I turn his floors into slopes so he rolls everywhere? No.
Can I make all his shelves high so he can't get his stuff? No.
Can I? Whatever you're about to say, no.
No! Right? Do you hear me? You punched him in the face, leave it at that.
Get your work done.
I really need talking down off the ledge.
I'm going do something here.
I don't know what or how big it's going to be, but I need you to save me from myself.
Right.
Darren, listen, give me 20 minutes and don't do anything stupid.
OK.
I'm sorry, I'm still taking this in Jenny Walsh? She was in the year below me at school.
Well, like you said, I'm the Maplebury's Tom Selleck.
Yeah, but Jenny Walsh was a slag.
People change.
No, not her, Tony.
Seriously, she slept with everyone.
Sounds to me like the pot calling the kettle black.
I went on dates.
Dates, Tony, not Oh, forget it.
Don't you think she fancies me then? No.
No You're a good-looking guy.
Of course she would find you attractive, why wouldn't she? It's just Oh, I hate Jenny Walsh.
I thought she seemed quiet nice.
Of course you would.
You're 64, she's 27.
What's not to love? She'll keep you up all night! Jenny Walsh, you dirty bitch.
As I thought.
It's not quite squared off.
You'll have to do it all again.
All right, Smallcock.
I should just start over again, right from the beginning.
Sorry, Darren, but it has to be perfect.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's OK, I'm a perfectionist, too.
OK Darren! Darren! What are you at? Darren, what the? Jeez! Are you all right? I'm fine.
Hello? Darren? Oh, my God, Darren, what have you been doing?! Hey! Careful you don't trigger anything.
Careful.
Darren Darren, what have you done? Ten years of revenge in one day, my friend.
Now, you will hate it, but you have to admire the construction.
So, Patrick enters the threshold here.
"Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.
" Darren?! That's what he does.
Anyway, so he comes in.
"Hello, I'm Patrick, "I'm your old teacher, I used to bully you, I am a twat.
" Anyway, triggers the tripwire which releases the marbles.
Oh, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll They, in turn, trigger the video cassettes.
Which then release the space hopper thwah! Which then goes over to the boxing glove.
Nyets! Which leaves him penultimately at the cricket bat.
Baza! No, Darren, wait, stop.
No, mate, I haven't even got to the best bit yet the hammer! Darren, Darren.
Just stop it now, Macaulay pissing Culkin.
Take it all down.
It won't work anyway.
Oh, it'll work, bruv, don't worry about that.
Darren, just, seriously You're terrorising a disabled man.
Who's the same as anybody else.
He deserves this and he'll get what's coming to him and he'll get it hard.
You need to stop defining him by his disability.
I'm not, I'm not.
I don't want this to happen to anyone.
What the hell's going on in here? Whoa, whoa, Patrick, wait.
No, don't cross the line! What did I tell you? Told you it wouldn't work.
Argh! Ooh-agh! Argh! Oof! God, Jesus! Agh! Told you it would work.
I look like pissing Casper.
Do you know what the worst thing is? You might just be a genius.
To actually make something like that.
If you applied yourself, you could do anything you wanted.
I wanted to hurt him.
Well, that didn't work out, did it? Just glad he had a sense of humour.
Yeah, he's quite a nice guy.
Why was everything hitting me in the bollocks? Well, he's in a wheelchair.
I was aiming for his face.
You know what, I feel really good.
Ten years of hate and revenge, pfff gone.
Yeah, I haven't felt this relaxed in ages.
I highly recommend it.
Hey, you should date Jasmine, get it out your system.
No, no chance.
I'm going to go there now, tell her the truth and then leave.
I'll clean myself up and have a lovely dinner with Emma.
Seriously, you're going to turn down a threesome? I couldn't care less.
I struggle to cope with one woman as it is.
No, no, no You don't love me and I know now Right, see you later.
Yeah, see you.
No, no, no You don't love me Yes, I know now Jasmine, leave me alone.
Hi! All right? Jesus, what happened to you? Darren.
Mmm, of course.
This is your Dad's shirt.
The only way to convince him not to wear it was to say I wanted it as a dress.
You didn't have to wear it though, did you? No, but he dropped me off on the way to his date so, you know Dad's got a date? Er, yeah.
What did you think we were talking about earlier? My date with Jasmine.
You have a date with someone else? Oh, no.
No, no.
Not intentionally.
How do you accidentally have a date? I, erm I'm not going.
I stood her up.
Oh, fine.
Is that fine? No! Go away! OK, OK, look.
I'll just get rid of them and then Oh, for f Where the hell were you? You invite me on a date, and then you stand me up and don't even have the balls to call me and tell me you're not coming? You asked me on a date.
I didn't Who's she? Who? Oh, her? She's, erm This is Emma.
She's my girlfriend.
What? I didn't say I was single, did I? You asked me to stay for the weekend.
Uh, you did what? I-I-I got flustered.
I've had a really stressful day, right? She asked me out, right? Then Darren punched a bloke in a wheelchair and then I thought you wanted a threesome.
What? What? How can this get any worse? Thanks to you, I've just had a date with a prostitute.
It's worse.
Jenny Walsh? Dirty bitch.
I'll I'll tell you later.
I should've known when she approached me.
Bloody hell, I even paid a deposit.
Who pays a prostitute a deposit? In a restaurant.
Bloody hell, Jasmine, what are you doing here? Ollie's wants me to have a threesome with his girlfriend.
Fair enough.
Emma used to live in London, you know? OK, either this is some weird sex club, or you're all just a bunch of morons.
Either way, I want nothing to do with this.
What happened to you, Ollie? Pretty girl.
Dad, it's not helping.
Emma, Emma, I didn't do anything.
I've wanted to go out with you for ages.
Why would I mess that up? Because you're a twat? I am a twat.
You are a twat.
I'm sorry.
Is it worrying that I'm starting to find it charming? Little bit.
Yeah.
All right, you're forgiven.
Thank you.
Sorry about your date, Tony.
Oh, there's plenty more ladies out there, but to tell the truth, I don't think they're ready for this jelly.
What? It's what they say nowadays.
I heard it on the wireless.
Oh, my God, I've created a monster.
I'll go and clean up and then I'll start dinner.
Oh, good, I'm starving.
Hey, shall I call Liz? The more the merrier.
Yeah, why not? So much for the romantic meal.
Ha ha ha ha! You're right, I'm a genius.
I'll kill you.
I'm fine with that.
That's a good job cos I am going to kill you.
Get here now! I'm going to kill you, you ruddy turd!