Whitney s02e04 Episode Script

When I was at Northwestern, it was such a big deal to have guest speakers come in, you know? I saw Ira Glass and Colin Powell, and now it's me.
I feel I don't know, successful.
I'm so proud of you.
And if you get nervous, just imagine everybody in the audience naked.
Except the girls.
Imagine them complaining.
Well, I'm not nervous.
I'm just excited, you know? I mean, it's a big responsibility.
I really have the chance to impact some kids' lives.
Just remember they have very short attention spans.
It was almost impossible to talk to me in college.
That's probably because I always had a bong in my mouth.
Wait, I think it was a bong.
Okay.
Well we're definitely not going to that fraternity party we were invited to afterwards.
You know what you should do in your speech? One of your accents.
I don't really do those in public, you know? Just when we're snowed in or I can't get you to stop crying.
Well, like, if you're quoting one of your professors or something if you did it in an accent, it could be really funny.
Okay.
I will think about this Whitney.
- That's too communist.
- All right.
Ah.
Perhaps this is the right accent for the occasion.
Ja? Don't you think so? It's too soon.
All right, then.
How about I put another accent on the Barbie, huh? And then go down under.
Do the British one.
That always makes you seem smarter, and it makes me feel like a spice girl.
Yeah.
Naggie spice.
You know, I am mentioning Professor Chandler and he's British, so that might work.
See? BBC world service, it's the phone.
Perhaps someone wants to take you on a lift to the loo? - That's the one! - Cool.
- It's another text from my mom.
- Is she coming? No.
I am not letting her come.
Any time someone else has a big moment, she ruins it, okay? At my graduation, when I was walking up to get my diploma, she made me take a picture of her.
- What? You graduated? - Hmm.
And she totally ruined my sweet 16, which I didn't even want, by the way.
She planned it without even asking me.
It was humiliating.
I mean, I was already 18.
I didn't even get to vote that day.
Oh, yeah, she's always doing stuff like that.
I know.
So what happened with the wedding thing? She asked if I would shoot my cousin's wedding, I said no, and then she told her I would anyway.
I don't want to go to a family wedding.
I'm not gonna know anyone there, and I'm gonna have dated everybody.
Well, it's too bad she won't get to see my speech.
If she did, this way she'd finally understand what I do for a living.
Honey, no matter what you say or how many times you explain it, no one will ever understand what you do for a living.
All right.
Well, we're gonna go to the bar first.
I want to get a drink and loosen up before my speech.
And I definitely want to show off this suit since I'll be returning it tomorrow.
- Okay.
So how do I look? - Good.
- Oh.
One last thing here.
- All right.
- Got to - Hey! Hey! What are you doing? No! Get those scissors away from me! Dude, I am totally impressed.
I mean, guest speaker at Northwestern? Look, if you get nervous, just take one of those pills that's always falling out of Whitney's purse.
Oh, no, I'm not nervous.
I'm psyched.
Oh, I have a pill for that too.
Back in High School, Alex was such a good public speaker that the principal had him do the announcements every morning.
Do it.
Good morning, Lincoln high beavers.
For today's hot lunch we'll be having spaghetti and hot rolls, thank you very much.
Man, you rusty.
- Hey! - Hi.
- What's up, little red? - Hello, hello.
Hey.
Alex.
Are you just gonna let the lady stand there? Oh, you know what? You're absolutely right.
Whit, beat it.
Excuse me? All right.
Here you go, tiny red.
Why am I getting smaller? Thank you, guys, for being such gentlemen.
God, it's so sweet.
I love it.
But I also hate that I love it.
Am I from the 50s? Nope.
You're just one of the few women left who actually appreciates chivalry.
I appreciate chivalry.
I like being choked.
Oops! Okay, so we got to go.
- I think we're gonna be late.
- Oh, okay.
- Bye, guys! - Bye.
Hey, good luck with your speech.
- Stay topical, bro.
- Hot rolls, baby! Let me help you with that.
RJ, thank you.
So that's chivalry stuff works on girls? I thought you didn't want that anymore.
Don't women just want to freeze our sperm and get a job? No.
We still want guys to be chivalrous, they just stopped.
Right around the time they started wearing skinny jeans.
I don't wear skinny jeans.
I want kids someday.
Why, kids don't like skinny Oh.
Balls.
Mark, let me straighten this out for you.
The problem is that women want to be treated like a lady, but they're conflicted because they also don't want to seem weak.
And are we not gonna talk about the fact that whit likes to be choked? Old news.
Maybe I'm handling this whole Roxanne situation all wrong.
I need to speed things up.
Because let's face it, we're all dying.
It's just a small gas leak.
I now would like to introduce 2001 graduate and founder of mendeavors.
com, Mr.
Alex Miller.
Whoo! Hey, everyone, I'm Alex Miller.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll meet you in about an hour, okay? Do you want to get something to eat? - 'Cause I'm so - Shh.
Huh? Chill out, lady.
Lady? Okay, I was born in the early-to-mid 80s.
I can tell.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll call you after this.
Bye.
I would like to send a special thanks to Professor McKinley who graciously invited me Obviously stop texting please.
What? Stop! I was a student here in this very hall.
Let me see that.
It used to be called Jones auditorium back then.
- Oh.
- It's so good to be back here at Northwestern where it all began.
My drinking, I mean.
I'm kidding.
When I was here, I was mostly high.
You know, when I first came up with the idea for my website, everybody thought I was crazy.
But my gut was telling me I should do it.
So if you learn one thing from tonight, it's always trust your instincts.
Because if I listened to people's advice, then I would have always wondered what would have happened if I had trusted my gut? I started mendeavors because I wanted to go online and quickly learn how to do things like fix a leak or change a tire.
So I went home that night and I started a website called, "menthings.
" I quickly realized that when you Google "menthings," you see, well, mens' things.
Professor Chandler was one of my favorite teachers.
And I remember he said to me once, "The thing about computers is", "they'll always get smaller and smaller.
So what you've got to do is think bigger and bigger.
" So I took that idea and I applied it to Please, God, not like this.
I'm I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Did you see that? I'm sorry.
Come on, say something.
You didn't talk to me the entire ride home.
Well, there was a dead bird on the side of the road, so I figured that would keep you entertained for the time being.
I'm sorry.
Look, the speech was so good.
They loved it.
- Even after the incident.
- Don't call it that.
I wasn't molested, I just fell.
I don't know why I laughed, okay? I think it was nervous laughter because I was just so worried about you, and I was just so scared that you were hurt.
- Really? - Yes.
I was terrified.
Okay.
'Cause it was really scary.
It was so scary.
I mean, I took a nasty spill.
It was nasty.
You know, I was just so into it.
I mean, the spotlight was in my face, and really, I thought I had another five feet to work with.
Well, you did not, sir.
Ice.
You want some ice? Let me get you some ice.
Oh, man, good thing I know how to fall.
'Cause as soon as I knew I was going down, I just, like, rolled into it.
Why have you not fixed that yet? - Are you laughing? - No! - I can't believe you! - No.
Okay.
Okay.
I am not laughing at you falling, 'cause that is not funny.
I think the thing that's getting me is what you said while you fell.
I said something as I fell? What's that? Well, what did I say? Uh, you said You know what? I'm just gonna write it down Um For you.
"Please, God, not like this"? Come on! You know, that is not funny! - You had to be there.
- I was there! You know what? I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I'm sorry.
You know what? You know what? I think that this is some kind of repressed emotion coming out in a strange way, like how you get weirdly violent at baby showers.
Why do I have ten new text messages? You posted the video online? No! No! No! Kind of.
I uploaded it to Facebook, but then I took it down as soon as I knew you were mad.
Oh, good.
Because once you remove something from the Internet, it's totally gone forever.
My mom reposted it.
Look what she put as a caption.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Lol.
" I'm gonna tell her to take it down.
You know what? I just I don't I want to pretend like this never happened, okay? So I'm just gonna go lay down.
Forever.
I have a pill for that.
Oh, there's Roxanne.
I'm gonna try this gentleman thing.
All right.
Uh, go.
Go.
Go! Good luck.
- Hey! - Hey.
Ah.
Whoa.
Whoa.
What's going on? Whoopee cushion? Water balloon? Blood on my head like Carrie? Relax.
Roxanne I was just pulling out the stool for you, no pranks.
Just trying to be a gentleman.
Oh.
I didn't realize we were in colonial Williamsburg.
Thanks.
I can pull out my own chair.
Uh, let me get that.
Mark, no.
I said I would do it.
Mark, knock it off.
I am trying to be a gentleman, stupid! What the hell is going on? I'm trying to be chivalrous, you psycho! I don't want chivalry.
I want my stool.
Never listening to you again.
Look, I still stand by being a gentleman.
My dad never let my mom walk on the outside of the sidewalk.
I mean, he cheated on her, but she never got hit by a car.
- Mark, can I get a red wine? - Get it yourself, dude.
Hey! New day.
Are you feeling better? Good news.
I made up with the barista.
I will no longer change my order as he is making it, and he will no longer ask if you are my son.
Yeah, well, I don't know if you totally closed the deal on that because on my cup he wrote, "control your bitch.
" - I'll be right back.
- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Calm down, all right? He's got one hand.
Just leave him alone.
What are you doing? I'm answering an email from a Professor at DePaul.
He saw me yesterday and he wants me to give a lecture to his new media class.
Honey, that's great! Yeah.
You know, I'm not gonna do it.
Why not? I don't want to go through that again.
No way.
- Honey, it was not a big deal.
- No.
It was a huge deal.
All those kids were probably tweeting about it, talking about what a loser I was.
I made a complete fool of myself in front of 200 kids.
I'm not doing it.
What are you doing? I'm just emailing him back and telling him that you're doing it.
- Whit! - I wrote, "I'm in.
" And that could mean a bunch of different things.
So you might want to follow up quickly.
Okay.
Now let's practice walking back and forth.
Wait, I can't believe you just did that.
Especially when I told you not too.
But you're gonna be so happy that you did it.
No.
No.
You know what? You know what would make me happy is you not laughing in my face after I fell down like that.
And you know what else would make me happy is you not making me do something after I told you I didn't want to.
You know what? You're just like your mother.
I I Yeah.
I I I Exactly.
I can't believe he said that.
He thinks I'm just like my mother? Well, he is just like my father.
Falling off things.
Hanging out with college kids.
Pretending he's British.
Since when did someone saying you're like your mother become the biggest insult on the planet? When I was younger, it was my dream to grow up and be like my mom.
What happened? Dina Lohan.
Are we all just doomed to become our mothers? Oh, I hope I don't turn into my mother.
I mean, I may be from a family of lemons, but I am no tart.
Oh, my God, my mom would totally say that.
Is this why I won't let a man help me do anything? Besides the fact that they always do everything wrong? Guys don't do things wrong.
We just don't give them enough credit.
Oh, my God.
My mom would totally say that.
Okay.
Stop hitting me.
Oh, my God.
My mom would totally say that! Is this why I won't even let a man pull out my chair? Because my mom told me to never depend on a man for anything? You know what? I got to break this cycle.
Yeah, and my dad used to do everything for my mom.
That's why I'm so co-dependent.
What do you think? Are you mad at me? My mother never says what she means and always beats around the bush.
So in the spirit of breaking the cycle, Whitney, you are exactly like your mother.
And Lily, I'm always a little bit mad at you.
I am nothing like my mother.
My mother denies everything, she'll never admit when she does something wrong, and all she does is sit around and get drunk with her psychotic friends.
Oh, no.
Alex is right.
Emailing back that guy is exactly what my mom did with my cousin's wedding.
I didn't even think about Alex's feelings.
Oh, I feel sick.
Okay, I need to go home and handle this.
I'm coming with you.
Roxanne hates me.
- Hey! - Don't.
I'm not.
- This is for you.
- What is this? Some kind of apology present That I paid for? No.
This is your birthday present for your birthday, which is on April 10th.
Unlike my mother, I know when someone I love's birthday is.
Okay.
Thanks, whit.
But you don't get points for knowing when my birthday is.
That's just, like, being a person.
- Open it.
- Okay.
It's a ticket from your speech.
Whoa.
Whit I framed it 'cause I wanted you to always remember how cool it was that you got asked to do that.
Wow.
That's really impressive.
Why aren't you talking? Unlike my mother, I'm not going to interrupt people while they're talking.
I want you to finish your thought.
Okay.
Well, I'm not sure I even remember how to do that.
Uh, okay.
I'm done.
Say something.
You're my hero.
What? You got right back on that stage and you finished your speech, and it was amazing.
You're the most incredible person I know.
You are the smartest, funniest, most honest, generous, loving person I've ever met.
And I'm completely in awe of you.
Well, I didn't know that.
Exactly.
I think it all the time but I never say it, which is exactly what my mom does.
Okay.
Well, now I just think you're adopted.
You think? Hey.
You're my hero, too.
Oh, shut up.
I'm the worst.
No, no.
Really.
Look, I'm gonna do that thing at DePaul, and I never would have done it if it wasn't for you.
So thank you.
You're not invited, but I'm gonna do it.
That makes me so happy! But whatever you want, 'cause this is about you.
No.
It's about us.
'Cause there's no "u" in "us.
" Northwestern? You sure? You know, not only are you my hero, but I think you actually might be a superhero.
When you walked off that stage, you were airborne for at least five seconds.
You might be a superhero too.
You're kind of like wonder woman I always wonder why you're still in my life.
All right.
Good night, Mark.
Good night.
Mark, can you help me with my coat? You're sick.
- Hang on.
- Quit fighting it.
I'm Quit thrashing like a crab on deck.
Is this coat even your size? Idiot.
Weirdo.
Peace.
Okay, I promise, I had nothing to do with this.
Some student at Northwestern must have put this together.
But are you sure you want to see this? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Are you sure you want to see this? Yeah.
I don't care.
I'm I'm over it.
Okay.
I'm kidding, when I was here I was mostly high.
Mostly high.
Mostly high.
Mostly high.
Smaller.
Bigger.
Smaller.
Bigger.
Smaller.
Bigger.
Please, God, not like this.
Not like this.
Not like this.
Not like this.
Not like this.
- All right.
Turn it off.
- Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
Man, that really hurts.
Oh, God.
I should not have shown you that.
No, I mean, it only has eight views? You know what? I still think we can get it on tosh.