Work in Progress (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on Work In Progress.
So I take it, you're still looking for a new therapist.
It is really hard to find the right person.
I'm just not going to settle.
- Julia.
- I fixed Pat! No, Julia, I don't want you to fix Pat, I want you to bury Pat.
I'm just late for a body hack.
The fundraiser for Chris's top surgery.
I'm really happy for him.
On the night of the breakup, my anger took over and I screamed out his dead name.
I know I have so much to make up for.
- You.
- There she is.
Well, well, well Traitor to the entire queer community! - I know - Dead-naming is a hate crime! I know that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I'm sorry.
Don't look at me, Abby.
Nobody can fix Abby.
Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! No! No! Traitor! Traitor! Chris? Fuck.
God, I need a new therapist.
Dr.
Martinson? Hello? What the fuck Oh! I'm Dr.
Martinson, but please call me Greg.
That's all right.
You know, I'm getting the feeling that this isn't going to be - the right fit for me.
- Are you Abby? Hmm, I might be.
I hope you take care of yourself, okay? Thank you for W-What are you doing? Have a good rest of your day.
Yeah.
Oh, hell no.
If this is the doctor I think you're talking about let's just say he and I tried some "physical therapy" a few years back and he was terrible.
Ugh.
Truly one of the most selfish lovers I have ever had, in my entire life.
Do you know he had the nerve to have a book next to his bed called - Sharing Is Caring.
- Uh-uh.
You need to practice what you fucking preach, Gregory.
Amen.
- Ugh! - So you just fled the scene? Yeah.
I think I'm ready to accept the fact that I have no one to blame for my lack of coping mechanisms.
Yourself? Okay.
You know, always with the assessments.
Well, maybe after this, we can squeeze in a yoga class.
It's for all bodies! Okay.
Nothing is for all bodies.
Especially not this old fat body with a bad back.
Okay, okay, don't namaste then, bitch.
- Mamma go! - Mm-mm.
I cannot believe you got me to agree to this whole day of woo-woo shit.
It's science! Okay, it's "sciencey.
" Mm.
- Uh-uh.
Come on.
- Okay.
The dachshund on the wall had an aura, that kid's Iron Man doll had an aura.
And somehow I don't? The photographer was crying when she handed it to me.
Oh, no, no, no.
Serena is an empath, she cries at everything.
Listen, this idea was a miss.
But don't you worry, I don't care if it takes us all damn day, we're gonna get you all fixed up.
No matter what.
Let's go.
That's what they all say, baby.
Okay.
You know, that was really fun.
Uh, I think I got all my Chakra Khans aligned! That was almost cute.
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
Oh, don't forget, I'm doing the drag storytelling later this week.
You should come.
For the karma.
I'm gonna think about it.
Don't worry, Chris isn't gonna be there.
He's taking care of some stuff out of town before his surgery.
That's not why I Okay it's why.
I It's gonna be so much fun.
I want to hang out with you more! Sometimes it's nice hanging out with somebody who goes to bed at 9:00 pm.
Makes me feel young, darling.
Okay, first of all, 8:30 on a good night.
I'm happy to help! Oh, my chariot awaits.
Okay.
Hey, you know, really thanks for all of it! It was actually pretty healing! It's my pleasure, boo.
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
- Bye.
- Yes, girl! Get it! Bitches be shopping! - Okay.
- All right.
Right.
Hey, Susan.
Oh.
Oh, who's Susan? You might wanna call me the Big Bad Wolf, because I am huffing and puffing! Yeah, uh, all right if you say so.
Yeah.
Ooh! Look at you internally communicating! Yeah, I'm actually.
keeping very busy, so Hey, do you have a hair tie I can borrow? Susan, funnily enough I don't, uh, have a hair tie.
It's just my hair is so thick right now, it's, like, impossible to keep out of my face! - I can see that.
- It's just so lustrous.
I'm like a walking shampoo commercial.
- Yeah, sure.
- Walkin' down the street.
Here you go.
Eli! Well, don't you just continue to be unexpected.
Reliable, Eli-able.
I like that.
Actually, since you're both here, it might be a good time.
I am really actually busy.
I'm trying to finish this expense report for corporate.
Um, attention, everyone! Attention! I'm going to need your focus right here.
Pencils down, eyes up! Now, I know a lot of you have clocked me rocking these caftans lately and you probably thought, "Okay, look at you, Stevie Nicks!" And while Gold Dust Woman is my signature karaoke jam, I am not paying tribute to The Ms.
Leather and Lace.
I'm pregnant! This is my Pregnancy! Oh, why thank you.
- Who's the dad? - Eli! What? Freedom of Information Act! Oh, that's okay, Eli! Well, I have yet to meet my child's father.
The sperm donor is my friend Rick.
He's my college friend who runs that CrossFit gym in Lisle.
Right, Rick.
We're gonna call him Buncle Rick.
Why "Buncle"? - He's a bisexual! - Ah! We thought that name would be cute.
Oh! So cute! Oh, my gosh! Yes.
Yeah.
Wait, Lula? Hey.
What are you doing here? I want to start by saying this was not my idea.
Okay.
Um Abby? Abby! Hey! I'm down here! - Hi! Hi! - Oh! Lula! Is that Abby? I can't see what's Oh, there you are! Hey, hi! Hi! Hey, Al.
You're wearing your wig! Yeah, well, I'm on a writing retreat, working out some of my new songs.
And I can only write when I'm in character.
Oh, that makes that makes a lot of sense.
Oh, great, Weird Al.
- Catch ya later.
- All right.
Well, look at the fruit basket! - Not bad, huh? - Oh, wow! That's, uh, thoughtful? Read the note! Read the note! - All right.
- Lula, is she excited? Excited is not the word I'd use.
Okay, I'm so sorry, but you look so familiar.
Do you coach at Orange Theory? Oh, uh, Susan, this is Al Yankovic.
Okay.
Well, that doesn't answer my question.
All right, I'll let you all do whatever this is.
Oh, and Abby, I'll add you on the Google doc as an editor for the baby shower.
Oh, yeah, but it's not my job! But it is your privilege! You're welcome! All right.
Hey, Al, I'm not trying to be rude, but what is this? Well, it's watermelon, cantaloupe and honeydew So you know, the Holy Trinity of melons, really.
- For sure.
- Uh, plus there's strawberries - and rhubarb - Sure.
Some peaches and pears, - a few plums thrown in there.
- Oh, I see it.
Yeah.
Full disclosure, I did not hand pick these personally.
It's my mum's idea of a peace offering.
- Oh, right.
- I did warn you to run away.
I remember that, yeah.
You know, Julia's really distraught about her This American Life performance.
Some monster uploaded it to YouTube.
Oh? I-I haven't see that.
Eww! Oh, Julia.
So Can you please just talk to her? Al, I mean, I really appreciate this gesture, but I gotta be honest, I don't have the bandwidth right now.
I I'll reach out to her when I'm ready, okay? You know, I, I would be there in person myself right now.
But I'm in Saugatuck.
I'm working on my new album.
It's a complete departure from my normal art.
What are you doing? Writing some parody songs about fruit? Lula, did you tell? No, Dad, trust me.
This is not a secret you need to worry about me spilling.
Look, Julia only needs five minutes.
Um, well, maybe not exactly five minutes.
I was gonna send an apology and they fluctuate wildly, it's really hard to tell.
It could be less than five minutes, it could be more than five minutes.
- It really depends on the situation - No, Al, is she here right now? - Jesus.
- And I will see you at restorative yoga on Saturday, sir.
Oh, thank you so much for meeting me.
Okay.
Yeah, but, Julia, I didn't really have a choice.
But you didn't answer any of my calls.
Yeah, but it's because I didn't know what to say to you.
And Al's organic co-op fruit delivery arrived and So, you wrangled Al and Lula to deliver fruit because you knew I couldn't say no to them? Did I hear my name? Well, when you say it like that, it does sound a little manipulative.
Oh.
Gift giving is my love language.
Along with extravagant capers.
Mine is talking with friends.
Mine is thinking about things before I do them.
Listen, I know you don't wanna talk to me and you have every right not to.
What I did was, um, oh, "A complete violation of your expressed emotional desires.
" That is pretty much spot on.
You told me not to do Woke Pat, but I did it anyway.
Now everybody's mad at me.
And it turns out I actually do care what the haters think.
Which actually is not that surprising 'cause I just took that Meyers Brigg personality test - and it turns out that I'm an - Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum.
Focus is your friend.
Okay? - Okay, right.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, have you heard about this book? Uh, it's written by this women, Dr.
Simone Schaefer, it has helped me so much.
And, um, she's speaking at my book club.
Would you go with me? Uh, really? Uh, I mean, I'll think about it, how about that? - Really? You will? - Sure.
Yeah.
Good.
Oh, Al, honey, she's gonna think about it.
Uh, I heard.
Lula, honey, could you could you maybe bring the iPad a little closer to Mum and Abby so that I can properly share in this emotional healing process, please? Abby, I am so sorry I hurt you.
Thanks, Julia.
And also thanks for the sangria basket.
All right.
Actually, thank you for the sangria basket, Al.
It's fun, isn't it? I'm getting really good at apologies, I think.
Anyway.
Okay.
Run away.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Charles.
Yeah, no, that Hi, hello, welcome to Best Self.
I'm Miri Ann and I'm here to guide you on your journey.
Okay.
Well, that journey has officially ended for me and I'd like to cancel my membership.
Wait, did you say your name was Miriam? Uh, no, Miri Ann.
Miriam? - Okay, Miri.
- Miri Ann.
I'd like to cancel my membership.
Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, Abigail.
Is there anything I can do to make you reconsider? No, there's not.
I just really wanna stop paying 40 dollars a month for a service I don't use.
Okay.
Well, the system is asking me why you wanna terminate your membership.
It wasn't working out.
Would you stay if I told you how I hacked the point system? I figured out how to eat chocolate cake once a month.
Would you just cancel my membership? Okay, done and done.
Abigail, just remember, your weight loss journey, it never ends.
We just won't be walking alongside you.
Good to know.
Uh, Babes in Book Land? That's the name of the group.
Of course it is.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
This is my first time at a book club, fingers crossed.
Hello, Babes.
I'm thrilled to welcome our guest author of the literary sensation that's been burning up the Costco Reader's Rack bestseller list, Cancel and Gretel, Dr.
Simone Schaefer.
Thank you.
Are we good? Everyone can hear me? Hello, hello.
"One June day in 2018, "I felt funny.
Ready to make a quip.
"When I made the mistake of tweeting what "I thought was a joke.
"I wrote it minutes before I went under anesthesia for surgery to repair torn ligaments in my knee.
" Telluride.
"I woke up several hours later "to a life I no longer recognised.
My tweet had gone viral.
" There they are.
The twenty-one words that changed my life.
"Uh-oh, just found out my surgeon's name is Ayodele, Ayodele Nkiruka Oh, my God.
hope his surgery skills are better than my pronunciation skills!" With a little cringy face.
Those who know me know I was joking about my dyslexia.
But I was branded a racist and a sexist, because it turns out, my brilliant surgeon was a woman.
Like the riddle.
People said things like "I guess Becky was today years old "when she learned doctors don't have names like Jonathan and Chip.
" "Dr.
Nkiruka, let her die on the table and I'll Venmo you a $1,000.
" - I was fired.
- Hey, do you wanna grab a bite to eat after this? Mediterranean.
No compromises.
Dumped by a man I had recently met online, I was fielding calls from every major talk show and news organization to appear as the "knee jerk.
" Okay.
Knee jerk.
I got that.
That's good.
It's because she had surgery on her knee.
And I found my voice.
One that could write this book and travel the country meeting all different kinds of women just like me who could've made the same mistake.
I'd love to open the forum up for questions.
Good afternoon, Dr.
Simone.
Thank you so much for coming to our book club.
Um, I can't tell you how much this book has meant to me.
I'm sorry, have we met? You look so familiar to me.
Um, no.
Go ahead, go ahead.
This is a confident space, right? Because there are no safe spaces anymore.
Confidence over safety.
Oh, all right.
Um, several months ago I performed at an NPR, uh, that's for National Public Radio, event, uh, where I brought back one of my old characters, Pat.
Oh, that's it.
Pat.
Yes.
How fun.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
But oh, but thank you so much, Babes, for your support.
Um, I didn't know how much the Pat character was hurting the LGBTQ community, even though someone very close to me told me how much it hurt her.
And then the video became a viral.
Ooh.
Yeah.
It was bad.
It is bad.
I guess I'm just looking for more, um "tools and strategies to reduce harm.
" I, I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but I'm interested in figuring out my role.
I want to be accountable.
Anyway, um, I guess that was more of a comment than a question, so.
Thank you, Julia.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I would love you to have this.
Oh, thank you! Oh! That was like meeting myself if I had gone to Saint Mary's, married my dad's coworker Glenn, and moved to Naperville.
That's not good, right? No, especially not for Glenn.
Julia, I, I just wanted to say thank you, um, for what you said in there about accountability.
Well, that's what I'm trying to be.
Accountable.
I am, too.
And I never really have told you about my breakup with Chris.
Uh, I did something so bad, so unforgivable that I can't even think about it and I've just been Hey.
- Oh.
- Hey, fuck you, Julia Sweeney.
Yeah, I saw a clip of your stupid show or whatever, and you are an asshole.
Hey, fuck off, you little edgelord shit.
What? It's fun for you to yell at some little old lady eating ice cream? Give you a little dopamine hit? It's actually mango froyo.
So she made mistakes, but she's working on it.
She's out in public.
I mean, come on.
She even read a book.
Wow.
Such hard work.
Take a break, girl.
You deserve it.
Chill out, lady.
Well, thank you for noticing.
Fuck those kids.
Thank you, Abby.
I mean, come on, like they've never made a mistake before? Nobody claws their way out of the womb an exact perfect queer.
Present company excluded.
I'm laughing because that's the opposite of what's true.
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze all the morning long.
I squeezed that sperm until myself almost melted into it.
Come.
Let us squeeze, squeeze Squeeze.
Want a little more? So then he tells me he's building a shrine to me in his living room.
And I said, "What's the use if you won't text me back?" So I told him, "Bitch, you either get right or get left.
" Yes.
You tell him, queen! That's right.
That's right.
We're gonna take a ten from here.
Thank you all so much for being here.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Lord, have mercy.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Doll.
- Of course.
Hey you, hey you.
I just caught the end of it, but you were so perfect.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Of course.
I thought I saw you hiding over here.
I was indeed.
How's that fluorite treating you? Oh, actually, I'm not sure which one it is.
- This one.
- Okay.
So it cloaks your energy signature - Mm-hmm.
- to avoid the effects of sorcery.
Okay, Gandalf.
- Okay.
He was kind of hot.
- All right.
You can make fun all you want as long as you keep that shit on you to keep your spirit right.
Or else I'll get left.
Left, exactly.
Are you gonna stick around? 'Cause intermission's gonna be over here in a bit - and the rest of the lineup is lit.
- You know, actually, I haven't seen Chris' brunch bunch since the breakup, so I, I think I What? Girl, no.
Come on.
Come on.
Look who I found.
Ooh.
- Hello.
- Oh.
Abby, it's been a while.
So, killed any therapists lately? Okay.
All right.
Rude.
Uh, no, actually, I haven't found one worthy yet.
Oh, let me give you mine because, oh, my gosh.
Oh.
She done you dirty? - Oh, let me tell you.
- Oh.
Can I get a drag of that? Hey.
I'm glad you stayed.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
I've got something for you.
It's what I see.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Text me when you get home, okay? All right.
Bye.
What if instead of probably tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of fucking hours of therapy, I had just decided to "ohm" at rocks the whole time? You don't actually believe that.
I am really trying to take it seriously.
Okay.
Yes, that's Okay.
Nice.
What are you even doing? Getting back into the game.
Campbell, I cannot even believe that you're talking about fucking tricks in front of my creativity and abundance candle.
Picky eater, oh, how fucking precious.
I'm not dealing with that again.
Eww.
A biter.
No, thank you.
What kind of janky fuck site are you even on? - Well, to be clear - Oh.
- I'm just looking.
- Okay.
It's still way too soon.
But there are so many cute ones.
Ooh.
Except for this one.
Has a, uh, mange and a prolapsed rectum.
Ugh!