Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007) s02e04 Episode Script
Haunted Tonk
1
Xavier: EVERY ONCE IN A
WORLD, THE BIG CHEESE LAYS A
GRAND ONE ON THIS PLANET.
I DISCOVERED I WAS THA
GLOBULAR GIFT AS A WEE LAD WHEN
I WAS ENDOWED WITH A COSMIC
VISIT FROM THE ENLIGHTENED ONE
WHO REVEALED THIS MEATY
PENDULOUS THING TO ME.
BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW IT WEN
DOWN.
SO, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I
WAS A TEEN [MUMBLES] YEARS AGO,
I'VE CHOSEN TO RETURN TO THE
LOCATION OF MY CHILDHOOD
HOME.
I SUPPOSE IT'S CHANGED IN SOME
WAYS.
I STILL MEMBERIZE MY FIRST DAY
IN THIS OLD HOUSE.
MAMA! I FOUND YOU!
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK
WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU LEFT ME
BACK IN CANADA.
HONEY! HE FOUND US AGAIN!
COME ON IN
DEMON CHILD.
Xavier: IT WARMS THE LOINS OF
MY HEART GROIN.
THIS IS THE CRUCIBLE OF
NOBILITY'S GUARDIAN, THE CRADLE
OF HUMANITY'S HOLIEST HERO.
COME ON, GUYS, LET ME HEAR
YA HOOT FOR THE BELLY FRUIT.
CELEBRATE THE LACTATE.
A WOMAN'S NEVER HOTTER WHEN
SHE'S JIGGLIN' THAT BABY BUMP,
PLUMP WITH LIFE CORKIN' UP HER
LADY PIPES.
BIG PAPA DICK'S ON THE MIKE, THE
HONKY-TONK DON'T STOP, AND THESE
BULGIN' BABES ARE READY TO DROP.
BEST BE TIPPIN' FOR TWO, 'CAUSE
THEY BE STRIPPIN' FOR TWO, AND
EVERY LAP DANCE IS A THREE-WAY.
THAT TUMMY SQUIRREL TRYIN' TO
GET A NUT?
BEER NUTS AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
IF YOU LIKE OUR HOT THINGS, TRY
OUR HOT WINGS.
AT A PENNY A BITE, IT'S GOT TO
GO RIGHT.
TURTLING TARA'S IN HER THIRD
TRIMESTER.
AND TRY MUSTARD ON OUR SOF
PRETZELS, AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
Xavier: THAT'S WHERE MY
KITCHEN TABLE WAS.
THANKS, MOMMY.
I MADE YOU ANOTHER DRAWING.
AAH!
DEMON CHILD.
Xavier: I USED TO DRAW SWEE
CUDDLECRUMBS TO RETREAT INTO MY
HAPPY WITTLE WORLD.
PEGGY PREGASAURUS -- SHE'S
812 MONTHS PREGNANT.
GET A LAP DANCE BEFORE HER BABY
DIES OF OLD AGE IN UTERO.
HER SUGAR WALLS ARE PACKED TO
THE GILLS LIKE SEXY SARDINES IN
THE HOT BRINE OF FATHER TIME.
FISH STICKS AVAILABLE AT THE
BAR.
Xavier: THAT'S WHERE I TOOK
MY BATHSSSSSSSSSSS.
OH, MOMMY!
SOMETHING HIT ME IN THE HEAD!
YOU'RE JUST IMAGINING THINGS.
WE GOT THE SIAMESE TWINS
CONJOINED AT THE WOMB, PREGNAN
WITH SIAMESE TRIPLETS CONJOINED
AT THE BOOM.
AND SEE THESE LUMPY LOVELIES
THROW THEIR LUSCIOUS MORNIN'
THICKNESS ON THE MECHANICAL
BULL, THE MECHANICAL MAN, AND
THE MECHANICAL CAT.
THAT PAWS IS A REAL MOTHER
BUCKER.
Xavier: THAT'S WHERE MY
MECHANICAL CAT WAS.
XAVIER! GET OFF THE CAT!
THESE CHICKS ARE CRAVIN'
PICKLES, SO GET YOUR PECK, OR
OFF A PILE OF OUR HOT PICKLED
WING-THING PICKLE POPPERS,
AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
Xavier: AND MY BEDROOM WAS
OVER THERE.
GET AWAY FROM MY DOLLHOUSE!
YOU'RE STEPPING ALL OVER MY
DOLLIES!
FREAK!
WE'S TRYIN' TO GET OUR FIGHT ON!
LET'S SET ASIDE OUR
DIFFERENCE AND POUND THIS CHUMP
FOR BEIN' DIFFERENCE.
TAKE THAT!
TASTE THE PAIN!
YOU ALL RIGHT.
I FORGIVE YOU FOR STICKIN' IT IN
MY WIFE.
SHOOT, I ONLY DONE IT 'CAUSE
I JEALOUS OF THE LOVE YOU SHARE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
COME HERE.
COULD YOU BE THE ONE?
Xavier: WHAT'S WRONG, MY
CHILD?
YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN -- OOH --
WHO NEEDS MY HELP.
COME HERE FOR A SEC.
IT'S MY BABY!
THE BABY'S MINE!
I PREGGOED HER!
Xavier: OOH! PEEP SHOW!
SHOOT, WHAT SAY WE SHARE THE
BABY?
LET'S ALL GET A BEER AND TALK
ABOUT HOW WE'RE GONNA BREAK I
TO OUR UNBORNEDED THAT HE GO
EIGHT DADDIES WHO LOVE EACH
OTHER VERY MUCH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WORLD,
SOMEONE COMES ALONG WHO'S SO
INFURIATIN', NO ONE CAN BE
VIOLENT TO ANYTHIN' ELSE AROUND
HIM -- A COOLER.
YOU GOT THE GIFT, FREAK.
IF YOU STICK AROUND AND BE MY
BOUNCER, YOU'D BE DOIN' ME A
FINE FLAVOR.
[ Amplified ] WE GOT 31 FLAVORS
AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
Xavier: I'LL BE YOUR VIOLENCE
ABSORBER, YOUR COSMIC SPONGE OF
AGGRESSION, SUCKING OFF ALL THE
MACHISMO YOU CAN SPLOOT MY WAY.
I'LL LET THESE KIT SHICKERS KI
THE SHICK OUT OF ME AND THEN
LET THEM SHOVE THE CACK OF THEIR
HUMAN SHICK IN MY FACE.
I'LL LET THEM ALL BEAT THE
BEJESUS OUT OF ME AND THEN RUB
THE BEJEEZ INTO MY HAIR.
I'LL TAKE YOUR LICKS AND BOUNCE
FOR YOU.
SO YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT?
Xavier: NO! I'M IN!
[ Amplified ] WE'RE GONNA
STAY OPEN, FOLKS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M SO GLAD THIS PLACE AIN'
GONNA SHUT DOWN.
NOW MY DREAM MIGHT COME TRUE.
I ALWAYS KNEW THERE'S NOTHIN'
MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN A WOMAN
PLUMP WITH CHILD.
I WANT TO GET A OPERATION TO
BECOME BIG MAMA DICK AND
EXPERIENCE THAT JOY.
I SAVED MY SPERM, AND ONCE I
IMPREGNATE MY WOMAN-SELF, I'LL
GIVE BIRTH TO BABY PAPA DICK AND
GIVE HIM A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION
TO BECOME BABY MAMA DICK SO HE
CAN GIVE BIRTH TO ME.
IT'S A SIMPLE DREAM, AND I DO
BELIEVE AMERICA -- THAT'S WHA
HE/SHE'S ABOUT.
Xavier: GLAD I COULD BE OF
[SNIFFS] CERVIX?
WHY DON'T YOU GO HIT THE
BREAK WOMB?
I THINKIN' ABOUT GETTIN' MY
BABY BUMP PIERCED.
HEAR IT HEIGHTENS SOMETHIN'
CALLED A ORGASM, IN THE BABY.
Y'ALL HEAR SHIRELLE GO
FIRED?
TURNS OUT SHE WASN'T REALLY
PREGNANT.
IT WAS ONE OF THEM PHANTOM
PREGNANCIES, PSYCHOSOMATIC-LIKE.
SHE WAS SO SURE SHE WAS
PREGGER, SHE SWOLLED UP WITH A
PHANTOM BELLY.
I HEARD SHE EVEN GAVE BIRTH TO
THE PHANTOM BABY.
THEY SAY HER PHANTOM BABY
STILL LURKS AMONG THESE WALLS,
ANGRY ITS MAMA GOT FIRED JUS
'CAUSE IT DON'T EXIST.
WHOA.
[ THUMPING ]
UH-OH. HE'S KICKING.
Xavier: LADIES.
THAT'S WHERE MOMMY'S BEDROOM
USED TO BE.
AWW, LOOK AT MY SWEET MOTHER --
SO PEACEFUL WHEN SHE'S SLEEPING.
MOMMY!
I MADE YOU ANOTHER DRAWING!
MONSTER CHILD
WHAT'SHAPPENING?
MONSTER CHILD!
IT'S SCARY, MOMMY.
Xavier: GO ON -- CARESS HER
FACE, BOY.
STROKE HER TENDER, SUCCULEN
SKIN, YOU IDIOT!
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!
I WISH I COULD TALK TO MY YOUNG
SELF.
WAIT -- IF I SIMPLY REMEMBER
THAT I DID TALK TO MY YOUNG
SELF, THAT MEANS IT WILL HAVE
HAD HAPPENED.
HMM.
I REMEMBER THAT I APPEARED IN
FRONT OF MYSELF, AND I SAID, "GO
ON -- TOUCH HER, TOUCH HER."
[ GASPS ] WHO ARE YOU?!
Xavier: THIS MAY BE THE LAS
TIME YOU GET TO TOUCH YOUR
MOTHER, BECAUSE SHE'S GOING TO
DIE!
SHE'S OBVIOUSLY BEING PLAGUED BY
SOME SORT OF DEMON.
SHE'S VULNERABLE.
SO YOU HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE
THERE WITH HER.
SMOTHER YOUR MOTHER.
SMOMMY OUR MOMMY WITH PERPETUAL
PROTECTIONATING AND NEVER LE
HER OOT FROM UNDER THE CRAB
SHELL OF YOUR MUNIFICENT VICE
GRIP FOR EVEN A NANO-TICOND OR A
SUBTONK.
BUT HOW CAN I DO THAT?
I'M JUST A KID.
Xavier: LET'S SCRAM OUT OF
HERE, AND I'LL SHOW YOU.
GUARDIANING ISN'T HERE.
IT'S UP HERE AND HERE.
YOU'RE JUST A DULL LUMP OF CLAY,
AND I MUST SCULPT AND MOLD YOU
INTO MY HOMAGE -- THE GREATES
MINDER KNOWN TO MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE
PUTT-PUTT?!
Xavier: LET'S GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE!
YOUR MIND AND BODY MUST BE
QUICK.
KEEP TRYING TO PUNCH YOURSELF.
SEE HOW QUICK I AM?
OH!
DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME COMING.
THIS JOURNEY IS DEVOTED TOWARDS
UNTEACHING YOU TO UNLEARN ALL
YOU KNOW.
RATHER, THIS NON-JOURNEY ISN'
REVOTED DISTOWARDS COMEGOING
AWAY, FROM, TO, IN, OUT, OVER,
UNDER FORMEMBERGETTING.
WHOA!
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
HEY! GET OUT OF MY STORE!
Xavier: YOU HAVE TO BE SO
ZEN, YOU CAN MAKE WEAK MINDS
CRUMBLE AT YOUR POTENT THOUGHTS.
HOW WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
Xavier: YOU'VE GOT THE GIFT.
CONTEMPLATE EXISTENCE!
PONDER INFINITY!
PONDER HARDER!
I'VE SEEN DEEPER REPOSE ON A
DEAD DONKEY!
I'M GOING TO WORK YOU TILL YOUR
BODY IS CUT LIKE AN OX.
GONNA BE MONTHS OF HARD,
GRUELING -- I'M GETTING TIRED
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
TELL YOU WHAT -- I'LL JUS
REMEMBER THAT I PUT YOU THROUGH
THE WRINGER.
IT HURTS!
Xavier: ACUPUNCTURE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
Xavier: I STUCK IT IN YOU,
AND YOU BECAME A MAN.
SO THAT'S MY GUARDIAN ANIMAL?
Xavier: YES.
IT HAS A MESSAGE FOR US.
I WILL READ ITS ENTRAILS.
ACCORDING TO THESE ENTRAILS,
THIS ANIMAL DIED NEEDLESSLY A
THE HANDS OF A DIM GOON.
IT'S YOUR JOB TO STOP SUCH
INJUSTICES.
THE MARKINGS OF A WARRIOR SHALL
SUMMON THE WARRIOR WHOOP.
TWEET, TWEET, NIGGA, DOT,
HOOTY-HOO! ♪
AND NOW WE BUY ICE-CREAM CONES.
OFDEEPER TRUTH.
YEAH.
YOU MUST LET GO OF LINEAR MODES
OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.
EXAMPLE -- THIS IS YOUR GRINDER,
BUT I'M EATING IT.
COULD USE MORE RATIONALAISE.
NOW I'VE GOT TO TEACH YOU TO BE
DEEP.
BUT HOW?
HOW DID I LEARN?
OH, YEAH.
I HAVE A HAZY MEMORY THAT THIS
REALLY CREEPY GUY CAME TO ME.
[ Creepy voice ] YOU'RE
SPECIAL!
EW!
YOU'RE SCARING ME.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO
STRANGERS.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID.
A REALLY FREAKY STRANGER CAME TO
ME.
I CAN'T DO THIS!
IT'S TOO HARD!
Xavier: LET ME SHOW YOU HOW
YOU WILL TURN OUT IF YOU DON'
FOLLOW MY TEACHINGS.
[ GASPS ]
I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GUY.
OKAY, I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.
Xavier: BINGO, DOODLE,
HOOTY-HOO!
NOW, WHICH WAY OUT OF HERE?
UH? HUH. UH? HUH.
OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO END UP
LIKE THAT GUY.
I'LL DO WHAT YOU SAY.
Xavier: UH? HUH? UH
YOU'VE ABSORBED ALL OF MY
KNOWLEDGE, AND THUS YOU HAVE
EARNED MY SOUL.
GO ON, BOY -- HOP IN!
YOU'VE PUT YOUR MANHOOD IN
ME.
FROMST THIS HENCEFORTH, MY
VOWULATION IS TOWARDS
PROTECTORIZE MINE MOMMY.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
THIS VISITOR -- RIGHT HERE.
YOU SEE SOMEONE?
IS THIS PLACE HAUNTED?!
YOU BRING EVIL SPIRITS, BOY!
I NEED A -- I HAVEN'T HAD A
DRINK SINCE THE NIGHT YOU WERE
CONCEIVED.
GO GET ME SOME WHISKEY AND SOME
PILLS!
Xavier: SAY "YES," THEN JUS
GIVE HER APPLE JUICE AND SUGAR
PILLS.
PROTECT HER ALWAYS.
YES, MAMA.
SWEET NECTAR!
ARGH! I HATE YOU!
I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!
YOU SCARE ME.
Xavier: DON'T WORRY -- SHE'S
NOT REALLY INTOXICATED.
IT'S ALL IN HER MIND.
WILL THIS SAVE MOMMY?
Xavier: I THINK IT WORKED OU
WELL.
I REMEMBER TIME WENT BY.
LADY, GET ME MORE OF THESE
PILLS AND WHISKEY, AND I'LL
SUCK --
YOU'RE ADDICTED!
I WISH I WASN'T ADDICTED.
Xavier: GO ON -- BREAK HER
THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT YOUR DECADE
OF DECEPTION, YOUR BOUT OF
EPOCOCK AND BULL, YOUR WORMHOLE
WHOPPER.
TELL HER ABOUT YOUR PERIOD!
MOTHER, YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN
ANY INEBRIANTS AT ALL.
I'VE BEEN FEEDING YOU APPLE
JUICE AND SUGAR PILLS ALL THESE
YEARS.
AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME, MOTHER?
SO IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL!
I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING!
I'M LOSING MY MIND!
Xavier: TELL HER, "DON'
WORRY."
IT'S ALL IN HER MIND.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
Xavier: I'M TALKING TO THIS
CHILD HERE.
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
HE SEES THE PHANTOM CHILD!
THE PHANTOM CHILD HAS
RETURNED TO HAUNT US!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
THE STRIP CLUB IS HAIN-ED!
HEY, NED, THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED!
HAUNTED?
I SAID, "THIS PLACE IS
HAIN-ED!"
NO, COME BACK! KEEP SPENDIN'!
MY LADY DREAM IS SLIPPIN'
THROUGH MY WOMANLY MAN-FINGERS.
DREAM SLIPPING AWAY
FUTURE CHILD DYING.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE!
DO SOMETHIN'!
Xavier: I HAVE PRE-FORESWORN
TO BOUNCE THESE GHOSTS.
HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMETHING FLEE?
EVERYONE FLEES WHEN THEY ARE
SCARED.
WHAT SCARES PEOPLE?
EVERYONE AROUND HERE IS SCARED
OF GHOSTS.
I'LL MAKE THE GHOSTS THINK THIS
PLACE IS HAUNTED.
BUT HOW DO YOU DRESS UP LIKE A
GHOST?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
SOME HELP YOU ARE, LADY.
IF YOU WANT TO DRESS UP LIKE A
GHOST, YOU NEED TO THROW A PIECE
OF FABRIC OVER YOUR HEAD.
WHERE CAN YOU GET YOUR HANDS ON
SOME FABRIC QUICK?
THE FABRIC OF TIME GONE BY.
BOO-HOO, GHOSTS!
I'M SCARING YOU!
GET OOT!
THERE'S A GHOOST IN THE HOOSE!
GET OOT OF THE HOOSE!
OOOOST! OOOOOOOST!
FIRE!
HONEY, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
THESE FLAMES AREN'T REAL.
EVERYTHING IS JUST IN MY MIND.
Xavier: I SCARED THE GHOSTS
AWAY.
I GOT THE CHUMPS ON THE RUN.
OH, LOOK! IT'S THE CUDDLECRUMBS!
THE CUDDLECRUMBS ARE HERE?
I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS
HAPPENING.
HUH?
HUH?
DOTH
HAVE
LIFE.
GRANDPAPAPAPA, ARE YOU DONE
REMINISCING YET?
[ Rasping ] AND THAT IS THE
LEGEND OF OUR MESSIAH.
Xavier: EVERY ONCE IN A
WORLD, THE BIG CHEESE LAYS A
GRAND ONE ON THIS PLANET.
I DISCOVERED I WAS THA
GLOBULAR GIFT AS A WEE LAD WHEN
I WAS ENDOWED WITH A COSMIC
VISIT FROM THE ENLIGHTENED ONE
WHO REVEALED THIS MEATY
PENDULOUS THING TO ME.
BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW IT WEN
DOWN.
SO, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I
WAS A TEEN [MUMBLES] YEARS AGO,
I'VE CHOSEN TO RETURN TO THE
LOCATION OF MY CHILDHOOD
HOME.
I SUPPOSE IT'S CHANGED IN SOME
WAYS.
I STILL MEMBERIZE MY FIRST DAY
IN THIS OLD HOUSE.
MAMA! I FOUND YOU!
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK
WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU LEFT ME
BACK IN CANADA.
HONEY! HE FOUND US AGAIN!
COME ON IN
DEMON CHILD.
Xavier: IT WARMS THE LOINS OF
MY HEART GROIN.
THIS IS THE CRUCIBLE OF
NOBILITY'S GUARDIAN, THE CRADLE
OF HUMANITY'S HOLIEST HERO.
COME ON, GUYS, LET ME HEAR
YA HOOT FOR THE BELLY FRUIT.
CELEBRATE THE LACTATE.
A WOMAN'S NEVER HOTTER WHEN
SHE'S JIGGLIN' THAT BABY BUMP,
PLUMP WITH LIFE CORKIN' UP HER
LADY PIPES.
BIG PAPA DICK'S ON THE MIKE, THE
HONKY-TONK DON'T STOP, AND THESE
BULGIN' BABES ARE READY TO DROP.
BEST BE TIPPIN' FOR TWO, 'CAUSE
THEY BE STRIPPIN' FOR TWO, AND
EVERY LAP DANCE IS A THREE-WAY.
THAT TUMMY SQUIRREL TRYIN' TO
GET A NUT?
BEER NUTS AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
IF YOU LIKE OUR HOT THINGS, TRY
OUR HOT WINGS.
AT A PENNY A BITE, IT'S GOT TO
GO RIGHT.
TURTLING TARA'S IN HER THIRD
TRIMESTER.
AND TRY MUSTARD ON OUR SOF
PRETZELS, AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
Xavier: THAT'S WHERE MY
KITCHEN TABLE WAS.
THANKS, MOMMY.
I MADE YOU ANOTHER DRAWING.
AAH!
DEMON CHILD.
Xavier: I USED TO DRAW SWEE
CUDDLECRUMBS TO RETREAT INTO MY
HAPPY WITTLE WORLD.
PEGGY PREGASAURUS -- SHE'S
812 MONTHS PREGNANT.
GET A LAP DANCE BEFORE HER BABY
DIES OF OLD AGE IN UTERO.
HER SUGAR WALLS ARE PACKED TO
THE GILLS LIKE SEXY SARDINES IN
THE HOT BRINE OF FATHER TIME.
FISH STICKS AVAILABLE AT THE
BAR.
Xavier: THAT'S WHERE I TOOK
MY BATHSSSSSSSSSSS.
OH, MOMMY!
SOMETHING HIT ME IN THE HEAD!
YOU'RE JUST IMAGINING THINGS.
WE GOT THE SIAMESE TWINS
CONJOINED AT THE WOMB, PREGNAN
WITH SIAMESE TRIPLETS CONJOINED
AT THE BOOM.
AND SEE THESE LUMPY LOVELIES
THROW THEIR LUSCIOUS MORNIN'
THICKNESS ON THE MECHANICAL
BULL, THE MECHANICAL MAN, AND
THE MECHANICAL CAT.
THAT PAWS IS A REAL MOTHER
BUCKER.
Xavier: THAT'S WHERE MY
MECHANICAL CAT WAS.
XAVIER! GET OFF THE CAT!
THESE CHICKS ARE CRAVIN'
PICKLES, SO GET YOUR PECK, OR
OFF A PILE OF OUR HOT PICKLED
WING-THING PICKLE POPPERS,
AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
Xavier: AND MY BEDROOM WAS
OVER THERE.
GET AWAY FROM MY DOLLHOUSE!
YOU'RE STEPPING ALL OVER MY
DOLLIES!
FREAK!
WE'S TRYIN' TO GET OUR FIGHT ON!
LET'S SET ASIDE OUR
DIFFERENCE AND POUND THIS CHUMP
FOR BEIN' DIFFERENCE.
TAKE THAT!
TASTE THE PAIN!
YOU ALL RIGHT.
I FORGIVE YOU FOR STICKIN' IT IN
MY WIFE.
SHOOT, I ONLY DONE IT 'CAUSE
I JEALOUS OF THE LOVE YOU SHARE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
COME HERE.
COULD YOU BE THE ONE?
Xavier: WHAT'S WRONG, MY
CHILD?
YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN -- OOH --
WHO NEEDS MY HELP.
COME HERE FOR A SEC.
IT'S MY BABY!
THE BABY'S MINE!
I PREGGOED HER!
Xavier: OOH! PEEP SHOW!
SHOOT, WHAT SAY WE SHARE THE
BABY?
LET'S ALL GET A BEER AND TALK
ABOUT HOW WE'RE GONNA BREAK I
TO OUR UNBORNEDED THAT HE GO
EIGHT DADDIES WHO LOVE EACH
OTHER VERY MUCH.
EVERY ONCE IN A WORLD,
SOMEONE COMES ALONG WHO'S SO
INFURIATIN', NO ONE CAN BE
VIOLENT TO ANYTHIN' ELSE AROUND
HIM -- A COOLER.
YOU GOT THE GIFT, FREAK.
IF YOU STICK AROUND AND BE MY
BOUNCER, YOU'D BE DOIN' ME A
FINE FLAVOR.
[ Amplified ] WE GOT 31 FLAVORS
AVAILABLE AT THE BAR.
Xavier: I'LL BE YOUR VIOLENCE
ABSORBER, YOUR COSMIC SPONGE OF
AGGRESSION, SUCKING OFF ALL THE
MACHISMO YOU CAN SPLOOT MY WAY.
I'LL LET THESE KIT SHICKERS KI
THE SHICK OUT OF ME AND THEN
LET THEM SHOVE THE CACK OF THEIR
HUMAN SHICK IN MY FACE.
I'LL LET THEM ALL BEAT THE
BEJESUS OUT OF ME AND THEN RUB
THE BEJEEZ INTO MY HAIR.
I'LL TAKE YOUR LICKS AND BOUNCE
FOR YOU.
SO YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT?
Xavier: NO! I'M IN!
[ Amplified ] WE'RE GONNA
STAY OPEN, FOLKS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M SO GLAD THIS PLACE AIN'
GONNA SHUT DOWN.
NOW MY DREAM MIGHT COME TRUE.
I ALWAYS KNEW THERE'S NOTHIN'
MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN A WOMAN
PLUMP WITH CHILD.
I WANT TO GET A OPERATION TO
BECOME BIG MAMA DICK AND
EXPERIENCE THAT JOY.
I SAVED MY SPERM, AND ONCE I
IMPREGNATE MY WOMAN-SELF, I'LL
GIVE BIRTH TO BABY PAPA DICK AND
GIVE HIM A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION
TO BECOME BABY MAMA DICK SO HE
CAN GIVE BIRTH TO ME.
IT'S A SIMPLE DREAM, AND I DO
BELIEVE AMERICA -- THAT'S WHA
HE/SHE'S ABOUT.
Xavier: GLAD I COULD BE OF
[SNIFFS] CERVIX?
WHY DON'T YOU GO HIT THE
BREAK WOMB?
I THINKIN' ABOUT GETTIN' MY
BABY BUMP PIERCED.
HEAR IT HEIGHTENS SOMETHIN'
CALLED A ORGASM, IN THE BABY.
Y'ALL HEAR SHIRELLE GO
FIRED?
TURNS OUT SHE WASN'T REALLY
PREGNANT.
IT WAS ONE OF THEM PHANTOM
PREGNANCIES, PSYCHOSOMATIC-LIKE.
SHE WAS SO SURE SHE WAS
PREGGER, SHE SWOLLED UP WITH A
PHANTOM BELLY.
I HEARD SHE EVEN GAVE BIRTH TO
THE PHANTOM BABY.
THEY SAY HER PHANTOM BABY
STILL LURKS AMONG THESE WALLS,
ANGRY ITS MAMA GOT FIRED JUS
'CAUSE IT DON'T EXIST.
WHOA.
[ THUMPING ]
UH-OH. HE'S KICKING.
Xavier: LADIES.
THAT'S WHERE MOMMY'S BEDROOM
USED TO BE.
AWW, LOOK AT MY SWEET MOTHER --
SO PEACEFUL WHEN SHE'S SLEEPING.
MOMMY!
I MADE YOU ANOTHER DRAWING!
MONSTER CHILD
WHAT'SHAPPENING?
MONSTER CHILD!
IT'S SCARY, MOMMY.
Xavier: GO ON -- CARESS HER
FACE, BOY.
STROKE HER TENDER, SUCCULEN
SKIN, YOU IDIOT!
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!
I WISH I COULD TALK TO MY YOUNG
SELF.
WAIT -- IF I SIMPLY REMEMBER
THAT I DID TALK TO MY YOUNG
SELF, THAT MEANS IT WILL HAVE
HAD HAPPENED.
HMM.
I REMEMBER THAT I APPEARED IN
FRONT OF MYSELF, AND I SAID, "GO
ON -- TOUCH HER, TOUCH HER."
[ GASPS ] WHO ARE YOU?!
Xavier: THIS MAY BE THE LAS
TIME YOU GET TO TOUCH YOUR
MOTHER, BECAUSE SHE'S GOING TO
DIE!
SHE'S OBVIOUSLY BEING PLAGUED BY
SOME SORT OF DEMON.
SHE'S VULNERABLE.
SO YOU HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE
THERE WITH HER.
SMOTHER YOUR MOTHER.
SMOMMY OUR MOMMY WITH PERPETUAL
PROTECTIONATING AND NEVER LE
HER OOT FROM UNDER THE CRAB
SHELL OF YOUR MUNIFICENT VICE
GRIP FOR EVEN A NANO-TICOND OR A
SUBTONK.
BUT HOW CAN I DO THAT?
I'M JUST A KID.
Xavier: LET'S SCRAM OUT OF
HERE, AND I'LL SHOW YOU.
GUARDIANING ISN'T HERE.
IT'S UP HERE AND HERE.
YOU'RE JUST A DULL LUMP OF CLAY,
AND I MUST SCULPT AND MOLD YOU
INTO MY HOMAGE -- THE GREATES
MINDER KNOWN TO MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE
PUTT-PUTT?!
Xavier: LET'S GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE!
YOUR MIND AND BODY MUST BE
QUICK.
KEEP TRYING TO PUNCH YOURSELF.
SEE HOW QUICK I AM?
OH!
DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME COMING.
THIS JOURNEY IS DEVOTED TOWARDS
UNTEACHING YOU TO UNLEARN ALL
YOU KNOW.
RATHER, THIS NON-JOURNEY ISN'
REVOTED DISTOWARDS COMEGOING
AWAY, FROM, TO, IN, OUT, OVER,
UNDER FORMEMBERGETTING.
WHOA!
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
HEY! GET OUT OF MY STORE!
Xavier: YOU HAVE TO BE SO
ZEN, YOU CAN MAKE WEAK MINDS
CRUMBLE AT YOUR POTENT THOUGHTS.
HOW WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
Xavier: YOU'VE GOT THE GIFT.
CONTEMPLATE EXISTENCE!
PONDER INFINITY!
PONDER HARDER!
I'VE SEEN DEEPER REPOSE ON A
DEAD DONKEY!
I'M GOING TO WORK YOU TILL YOUR
BODY IS CUT LIKE AN OX.
GONNA BE MONTHS OF HARD,
GRUELING -- I'M GETTING TIRED
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
TELL YOU WHAT -- I'LL JUS
REMEMBER THAT I PUT YOU THROUGH
THE WRINGER.
IT HURTS!
Xavier: ACUPUNCTURE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
Xavier: I STUCK IT IN YOU,
AND YOU BECAME A MAN.
SO THAT'S MY GUARDIAN ANIMAL?
Xavier: YES.
IT HAS A MESSAGE FOR US.
I WILL READ ITS ENTRAILS.
ACCORDING TO THESE ENTRAILS,
THIS ANIMAL DIED NEEDLESSLY A
THE HANDS OF A DIM GOON.
IT'S YOUR JOB TO STOP SUCH
INJUSTICES.
THE MARKINGS OF A WARRIOR SHALL
SUMMON THE WARRIOR WHOOP.
TWEET, TWEET, NIGGA, DOT,
HOOTY-HOO! ♪
AND NOW WE BUY ICE-CREAM CONES.
OFDEEPER TRUTH.
YEAH.
YOU MUST LET GO OF LINEAR MODES
OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.
EXAMPLE -- THIS IS YOUR GRINDER,
BUT I'M EATING IT.
COULD USE MORE RATIONALAISE.
NOW I'VE GOT TO TEACH YOU TO BE
DEEP.
BUT HOW?
HOW DID I LEARN?
OH, YEAH.
I HAVE A HAZY MEMORY THAT THIS
REALLY CREEPY GUY CAME TO ME.
[ Creepy voice ] YOU'RE
SPECIAL!
EW!
YOU'RE SCARING ME.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO
STRANGERS.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID.
A REALLY FREAKY STRANGER CAME TO
ME.
I CAN'T DO THIS!
IT'S TOO HARD!
Xavier: LET ME SHOW YOU HOW
YOU WILL TURN OUT IF YOU DON'
FOLLOW MY TEACHINGS.
[ GASPS ]
I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GUY.
OKAY, I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.
Xavier: BINGO, DOODLE,
HOOTY-HOO!
NOW, WHICH WAY OUT OF HERE?
UH? HUH. UH? HUH.
OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO END UP
LIKE THAT GUY.
I'LL DO WHAT YOU SAY.
Xavier: UH? HUH? UH
YOU'VE ABSORBED ALL OF MY
KNOWLEDGE, AND THUS YOU HAVE
EARNED MY SOUL.
GO ON, BOY -- HOP IN!
YOU'VE PUT YOUR MANHOOD IN
ME.
FROMST THIS HENCEFORTH, MY
VOWULATION IS TOWARDS
PROTECTORIZE MINE MOMMY.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
THIS VISITOR -- RIGHT HERE.
YOU SEE SOMEONE?
IS THIS PLACE HAUNTED?!
YOU BRING EVIL SPIRITS, BOY!
I NEED A -- I HAVEN'T HAD A
DRINK SINCE THE NIGHT YOU WERE
CONCEIVED.
GO GET ME SOME WHISKEY AND SOME
PILLS!
Xavier: SAY "YES," THEN JUS
GIVE HER APPLE JUICE AND SUGAR
PILLS.
PROTECT HER ALWAYS.
YES, MAMA.
SWEET NECTAR!
ARGH! I HATE YOU!
I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!
YOU SCARE ME.
Xavier: DON'T WORRY -- SHE'S
NOT REALLY INTOXICATED.
IT'S ALL IN HER MIND.
WILL THIS SAVE MOMMY?
Xavier: I THINK IT WORKED OU
WELL.
I REMEMBER TIME WENT BY.
LADY, GET ME MORE OF THESE
PILLS AND WHISKEY, AND I'LL
SUCK --
YOU'RE ADDICTED!
I WISH I WASN'T ADDICTED.
Xavier: GO ON -- BREAK HER
THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT YOUR DECADE
OF DECEPTION, YOUR BOUT OF
EPOCOCK AND BULL, YOUR WORMHOLE
WHOPPER.
TELL HER ABOUT YOUR PERIOD!
MOTHER, YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN
ANY INEBRIANTS AT ALL.
I'VE BEEN FEEDING YOU APPLE
JUICE AND SUGAR PILLS ALL THESE
YEARS.
AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME, MOTHER?
SO IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL!
I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING!
I'M LOSING MY MIND!
Xavier: TELL HER, "DON'
WORRY."
IT'S ALL IN HER MIND.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
Xavier: I'M TALKING TO THIS
CHILD HERE.
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
HE SEES THE PHANTOM CHILD!
THE PHANTOM CHILD HAS
RETURNED TO HAUNT US!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
THE STRIP CLUB IS HAIN-ED!
HEY, NED, THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED!
HAUNTED?
I SAID, "THIS PLACE IS
HAIN-ED!"
NO, COME BACK! KEEP SPENDIN'!
MY LADY DREAM IS SLIPPIN'
THROUGH MY WOMANLY MAN-FINGERS.
DREAM SLIPPING AWAY
FUTURE CHILD DYING.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE!
DO SOMETHIN'!
Xavier: I HAVE PRE-FORESWORN
TO BOUNCE THESE GHOSTS.
HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMETHING FLEE?
EVERYONE FLEES WHEN THEY ARE
SCARED.
WHAT SCARES PEOPLE?
EVERYONE AROUND HERE IS SCARED
OF GHOSTS.
I'LL MAKE THE GHOSTS THINK THIS
PLACE IS HAUNTED.
BUT HOW DO YOU DRESS UP LIKE A
GHOST?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
SOME HELP YOU ARE, LADY.
IF YOU WANT TO DRESS UP LIKE A
GHOST, YOU NEED TO THROW A PIECE
OF FABRIC OVER YOUR HEAD.
WHERE CAN YOU GET YOUR HANDS ON
SOME FABRIC QUICK?
THE FABRIC OF TIME GONE BY.
BOO-HOO, GHOSTS!
I'M SCARING YOU!
GET OOT!
THERE'S A GHOOST IN THE HOOSE!
GET OOT OF THE HOOSE!
OOOOST! OOOOOOOST!
FIRE!
HONEY, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
THESE FLAMES AREN'T REAL.
EVERYTHING IS JUST IN MY MIND.
Xavier: I SCARED THE GHOSTS
AWAY.
I GOT THE CHUMPS ON THE RUN.
OH, LOOK! IT'S THE CUDDLECRUMBS!
THE CUDDLECRUMBS ARE HERE?
I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS
HAPPENING.
HUH?
HUH?
DOTH
HAVE
LIFE.
GRANDPAPAPAPA, ARE YOU DONE
REMINISCING YET?
[ Rasping ] AND THAT IS THE
LEGEND OF OUR MESSIAH.