A.P. Bio (2017) s02e05 Episode Script
J'Accuse
1 ALL: 17! 18! 19! Ow.
Sarika, he's gonna break the record! Okie dokie, everybody.
Sit down and start to shut up.
[KIDS GROANING.]
Uh oh, hey.
Kudos for you guys acting like normal teens.
Normally when I walk in here it's like a freaking creep show.
[THUD.]
I just found out today that I have a mailbox here at this school.
Who knew? My family's mailbox is a tiny replica of our actual house.
I like to imagine a tiny Victor lives in there and that my house is a mailbox for an even bigger Victor.
Good to know, Vic.
All right, Sarika, I need you to separate out all the mail order catalogues, okay? The junk mail's great research for my book.
I want to examine why people find happiness through the consumption of ridiculous products.
So, uh, who here has parents that have bought things off of an infomercial? My mom swears by the Ped-Scraper.
It's like this potato peeler for the dead skin on your feet.
It reveals her glowing, sexy foot without the price of a spa.
Hmm, guys, I can't be the only one who cuts him off.
All right, now who else has something? Hey, yo, Jackie.
Jackie.
Yeah, man.
Over here, man.
Check this out.
You ready for this? - I am.
- So, yo, you ready? Yes.
If I told you that you can cook an egg inside your pocket while you're in the gym, would you buy it? Is that real? These are the A.
P.
Bio practice exams! Yeah, well, Sarika, you don't really need to practice for something you're never going to do.
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[RIP.]
All right, who else here has a house filled with, like, infomercial crap? Marissa! You seem like you probably got a couple of hoarders in your household.
- Pappy loves treasure.
- I bet.
You will hand over the practice tests right now or I'm gonna show everyone these.
What are those? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
This is pictures of me and Lynette.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow, these are these are great.
Sarika, did you take these? That's very creepy of you, but these are really good shots.
- Can I keep these? - Yes.
And just so you know, I'm a grown-up ass man and I don't get embarrassed when I like somebody.
Same here.
I like Grace.
No, I I'm embarrassed.
That was embarrassing.
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART".]
One, two, three, four! Next time, I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart [LAUGHING.]
Mr.
Jack Griffin.
You, sir, are suspected of murder.
Mur is this about Tampa? I can't I I I I'm tired of explaining this.
Look, if you call it a dolphin ride, I'm gonna mount it.
All right, they didn't tell me that you're supposed to just ride on its tail.
How the hell was I supposed to know? I was just reminding you about my murder mystery party tonight.
Oh, God.
Oh yeah, got it.
Yeah.
No, thanks.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ew.
- Yeah.
Hey, man, congrats on the party invite.
I bet it never gets old.
Yeah, respect.
Yes, respect.
- Socializing is important.
- Okay, thanks, guys.
I appreciate the respect.
Yuyao, thank you, but needless to say, I won't be attending.
Look, I'm gonna tell you guys something that's not really going to register for probably ten-plus years but alone on your couch is the ultimate Friday night.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
We need those practice tests.
If we don't get them, we'll be forced to study with online knockoffs.
We need to sneak in tonight and take them.
- Oh - Sorry, Sarika.
We already have a plan to meet up for hot dogs at Target.
Grace is working.
VIP treatment.
Trust us, it's fun.
It's really fun.
- Fun is not important.
- Wrong.
Do you wanna nail the A.
P.
Bio exam and go to college or not? Uh, college is going to be pretty sick.
Eating ramen and snatching V-cards.
We're in.
Meet back here at dark.
What what time is dark? 8:00.
What time does "Room Raiders" come on? - It's it's early.
- It's, like, 7:30.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
Last year the murderer kept putting the kill stickers on our butts! Buttholes! Okay, I'm telling you, she aimed.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I would not miss this party for anything.
Unless my mom wakes up.
Oh, and I just love the theme this year.
I know! Murder at Whitlock High Instead of playing, like, butlers and aging starlets, we get to play each other! Ooh, are you going to Michelle's murder mystery party, Jackie Chan? Ah, I can't unfortunately.
I've got firm plans to sort through my junk mail.
Oh, Jack, you've got to go! I I can pick you up in any car you want.
I have a trick that I use at Enterprise.
You ask for a 15 passenger van.
They never have one and then you drive off in whatever sweet ride you choose.
[ALL CHEERING.]
I can't wait to play one of you guys this year.
Oh, you guys talking murder party? Yup.
Uh, you're still coming, right? Of course.
I'm the reigning champ.
Last year, I solved the mystery in 47 minutes.
Broke Durbin's record and he is a brilliant detective.
[ALL CHUCKLING.]
Hey, well, my ex-wife always called me Sherlock.
Like when I would ask her, "Hey, are you cheating on me?" And she would go, "What do you think, Sherlock?" And I also solved the mystery of my neighbor's missing penis.
Turns out, it was inside my wife.
Oh! [LAUGHING.]
- Feels good to laugh.
- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Yeah, so it took you 47 minutes to solve a silly parlor game? Oh, you think you can do it faster? Oh, I know I can.
- Game on.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Ooh-la-la.
Looks like someone is trying to impress someone.
Yeah, well, if that first someone is me and that second someone is Lynette then someone is correct.
- Ooh! - [CHUCKLES.]
I was gesturing to you.
You're that other someone.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
- Damn it, Jack.
You used up the rest of our break time for that nonsense? - Right.
- And that someone is you.
- Boo! - Come on someone.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
I can't believe they had one! [GROANS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Welcome to hell.
[SYNTHESIZED DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
If you find a sticker on you, you've been murdered.
- Hmm.
- Keith will be providing the ambiance.
[SYNTHETIC THUNDER ROARING.]
- I really do love you so much.
- I love you.
I'm I'm also in love with you.
- I remain in love with you.
- You stay perfect.
Thanks for coming everyone and welcome to hell.
[WOMAN SCREAMING.]
You're all to remain in character as each other.
The game ends when someone catches the murderer in the act or the murderer kills us all.
Winner gets this trophy.
- Ooh! - Sweet.
Yes, queen.
Yes! Wow, you know what? I see you, Coach.
[CHUCKLES.]
I see you.
We begin with [GASPS.]
A murder! - It's you, Dave.
- No, it's not! If you would lay down, you're our kickoff murder victim this year! I was the first victim last year! I drove all the way from Morenci for this.
- We know, Dave.
- Down.
I mean, I just loaded up.
I I, you know, I haven't taken a bite yet.
- Down.
- We know.
We know.
- Dave, come on.
- Really.
- You all want that? - ALL: Yes! - Well, keep your eyes open.
- It just doesn't seem fair.
I mean, two years in a row.
Uh, but what would you do if it was it's just not right! - Down, David.
- I don't wanna do it.
I'm laying down because I respect the rules of the game.
I live in Morenci.
Ugh! And I believe you all have your assignments.
Let the games begin! Clock's ticking.
Um, oh, J'accuse! [LAUGHING.]
J'accuse.
Yeah, Michelle? Your music-y husband there with the too-much-equipment.
Yup, I see him touching Mary's elbow there.
Why don't you check your elbow? I bet you'll find a sticker.
Oh, I I just wanted to feel the fabric.
I'm kind of a textile head.
Wait, you're Helen? I'm Helen! Maybe that's a clue! Or maybe it's a [SPOOKY.]
Mistake! [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
Okay.
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Whoa, the faculty lounge.
This is where the teachers talk about what pills they use.
- Wait.
- Come on, Sarika.
No.
No, you guys.
[SIGHS.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GASPS.]
The murderer has struck again! Uh-oh! Oh, ooh.
Oh, he snuck a drink in there, didn't he? - [ALL CHUCKLING.]
- [GROANS DRAMATICALLY.]
Who amongst us shall be next? Oh, I I hope it's not me.
I live in Morenci.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- He's he's still doing Dave.
- That's good.
That was really good.
Get him, Durb! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's who's over there near Fred? Helen, you were over there.
You're the murderer.
I mean, you seem nervous.
No, I'm not I'm not I'm not Which, you know, makes sense because you are 25 minutes in and it looks like that record is slipping away.
You only have two accusations left.
Look, it doesn't matter because I'm gonna - I'm gonna - Tick tock, tick tock.
Well, that's fine because I'm just gonna I'm gonna go ahead and end this right now.
Michelle, I have an accusation to make.
I accuse Helen of murder! J'accuse, - j'accuse! - What? Okay, thanks.
Remember, you're playing coach.
He doesn't know French.
I know enough.
Tell me the truth, Mary.
Did you put the sticker on him? Hey, no Mary here.
Fake Mary's over there, laying down, wearing a pair of boner-killing khakis that no woman would ever wear.
That is not true! I borrowed these from my wife! "I borrowed these from my wife!" - [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Get him, Durb! What's your favorite type of brown coffee? - Folgers.
- Me too.
There's a lot of half-eaten salads in here.
I'm just gonna take a Cobb.
My parents paid for it with their tax dollars.
- Guys.
- [BOTH EXCLAIM.]
Stop goofing around.
I got the key.
Let's get these tests.
Hi, Helen.
I'm Jack, I'm an Ivy Leaguer and I'm not the murderer because I'm too busy stomping around and grumping around and, uh, shopping for sweaters.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes! And howdy, I'm Helen and I'm not the murderer because I'm too busy buying sweatshirts.
[CACKLING.]
Wow.
You bitch.
[UPBEAT PARTY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Did you just touch my back? Did you put a sticker on me? - Dude.
- Hey, hey Jack.
- What are you doing? - Whoa! Have you solved it yet? 'Cause your time is nearly up.
Yeah, you know what? I think I got it.
I'm gonna make a I'm gonna j'accuse.
- Check this out.
- Yeah? All right.
- A food drive? - BOTH: Yeah.
- Hey, ladies.
- Oh, Jack.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi! Yeah, save it, lady.
I saw you over by the snack table earlier.
Yeah, where Ms.
Malinowski got stickered? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no! Oh, I'm onto you, you sneaky son of a bitch.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Excuse me? Uh, yeah, I bet you if I reach into this pocket right now, what am I gonna find? I think I'm gonna well, I think I'm just gonna find a Ow! Why do you have forks in your pocket? Okay, Jack, Jack, take it easy.
Oh, go easy.
Let's go everybody go easy.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm trying to play the game.
Isn't that why we're here? To play the game? All right, you you know what? You guys are just jealous 'cause I'm gonna break the record.
That's that's what it is.
'Cause I'm I'm a winner.
Yeah, I'm the smartest guy here! [CHUCKLES.]
And I'm going to be at home eating that cookie cake while you guys are in your beds pulling stickers out of your buttholes! BOTH: Hmm? You know what? I you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
Mavis, we're gonna need those forks back, okay? Hmm? [FORKS CLINKING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I don't know if she heard me or not.
LES: Oh, God.
That was an awesome meltdown.
Well, you sure seem like you enjoyed it.
"I'm the smartest one here"? I mean, that was spectacular.
Mm-hmm.
By the way, why are you carrying that folder around? Durbin always has a folder.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
- J'accuse.
- What? J'accuse! Let me see this thing.
What's in here? Oh-ho-ho! You're the killer! Ho-ho! I win.
I win, what time is it? Did I did I break the record? - There's just one problem.
- What? You died ten seconds ago.
[CHUCKLES.]
What did you oh, when you came in.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Yeah, oh, damn it.
You know, if we form an alliance, I think I can win and end this game in record time.
What's in it for me? 10,000 cookie cake calories.
- Mmm, I love cookie cakes.
I'm in.
- Yeah.
Dial that coach thing up to, like, an 11.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
I can handle that.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's good.
Let's go kill our friends.
[JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS' "I LOVE ROCK 'N ROLL" PLAYS.]
Strong enough for a man, strong enough for a woman.
Who gives a rip? It's all deodorant.
- [GUNSHOT, KNIFE CLANGS.]
- So good.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I liked it.
I thought I was talking to coach.
Now a mesh short, that'll let 'em breathe, but spandex will save you from the chafe.
Bingo, but you still got a talc.
Oh, ya got a talc.
- Yeah! - [KNIFE CLANGS.]
Any dope with a dingus can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.
Get on in here champ! Huh? Give us a hug? [GUNSHOTS.]
I love rock and roll So come and take the time and dance with me Oh, heck.
How does a Harvard man die? Uh Oh, treachery! Oh, sweet dagger! Horatio, I'm dying.
Oh, my kingdom for a horse! Ooh, ooh.
[FUNERAL DIRGE PLAYING.]
Ow, I'm Jack! That is that's how you would die.
[CHUCKLING.]
Leg work, okay.
Oh, no! Your butt got murdered again! Oh, no, wait.
Let me see yours.
Let me see.
- Oh, it got you too! - [GROANS.]
Oh, girl, let's go die at a wine table.
- Come on.
- Man! - Oh, hell.
I'm out.
- Me too.
[GRUNTING.]
[DRAMATIC SYNTHESIZED MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
ALL: Whoa! Not too fast, not too fast! [ALL CHEERING.]
You guys, I did it! I got the tests from Mr.
Griffin's desk! We just found the janitors' mops and we're gonna joust.
We are not supposed to be having fun.
There's no question on the Harvard application about how much fun I had in high school.
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I know I'm a lot.
I know nobody likes me.
We like you Sarika.
Right, guys? - Yeah, you're fun.
- You're hardcore.
You're my best friend.
Oh.
Thank you.
So what do you say? [IMITATES LANCES SWISHING.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
I guess I could do one joust.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Just so we can get out of here.
- Aim for the soft meat! - Shut up.
Three, two, one.
[YELLING, CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my God! That was amazing.
- That was amazing.
- That was good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you not gonna tell them that you're the murderer? No, I think I want it to be a mystery forever.
Kind of like a Zodiac Killer type of thing.
Ooh! Hey, so, I don't know if you noticed, but I grabbed your trophy on the way out.
That's a delicious looking cookie cake.
Are you just gonna eat it by yourself or? I mean, technically, half this thing's mine, so if you wanted to go somewhere and split it.
You know what I've always wanted to do? To kick a field goal.
- Right now? - What, you busy? No.
[SNEAKY MUSIC.]
And.
.
[ANNOUNCER VOICE.]
here's the kick! Going, going, it's gone! It's good! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh! You know, it's true what they say.
I am great at football.
Yes, you are.
Okay, who wants to go next? Heather, You want some of this? Bitch, I was born to joust you.
- Oh! - [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, can you guys let me know if you find, like, a little screw? - Let's do it! - Three, two, one, roll! [YELLING.]
Anthony, watch out! - [EXCLAIMS.]
- [THUDDING.]
[ALL CHUCKLING.]
Hey, what are you kids doing in here? Run! [ALL KIDS YELLING.]
- Really? Come back! - Go, go! Aah! Stop! Stop right there! Stop! - [SCREAMS.]
- Go, go, go! - Sarika, the tests! - Oh, no.
You know what? Leave them.
Go, go, go! Oh, my God! This is so much fun! Seriously, can I tell you something that might be hard to hear? Oh, absolutely.
I can't wait to hear this.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You impression of Coach sucked.
Oh, no, - It was bad.
No, my Coach was excellent.
- I, on the other hand - Mm-hmm.
I did a perfect Durbin.
- Yeah, it was pretty good.
- In fact, I'm still doing Durbin.
Everything I've said tonight.
Durbin.
- Really.
- Mm-hmm.
Ev everything you're saying and doing right now, that's not you, that's you doing Durbin? Every single thing.
How about now? - Yeah.
- Really, still Durbin? Still Durbin.
- Still Durbin? - Still Durbin.
- How about right now? - Yep.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
You need to sign your permission slips! Oh, Ralph.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[ALL YELLING.]
Whoa, guys, guys! Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Is that Mr.
Griffin? Yeah.
That's that payroll lady he lies.
- Aww.
- Get some! [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING RAPIDLY.]
Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Let's go! [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Everyone's having fun but me.
So what do you think? You'll sign with the Chargers, Patriots? - Ooh.
- Me? I'm probably heading to Green Bay.
Yeah, you know what? I I think I'd think I'd sign with any of them to get out of Toledo.
You don't like living in Toledo? God, no.
No.
[SCOFFS.]
Can't wait to get out of here.
I'm thinking probably Tokyo, maybe Berlin.
You know, London if a lot goes wrong.
Okay, well, I'm here to stay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Come on, really? Yeah.
I love Toledo.
Okay.
Well, I don't like it.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- ALL: Bye! - Drive safe! - Great party, guys.
- Okay, that's the last one.
[MAYER HAWTHORNE'S "JUS AIN'T GONNA WORK OUT" PLAYS.]
Don't wanna see your tears Yeah, I have been waiting for this all night.
Then get off those jeans.
My sweater is tucked all the way into my underwear.
You got something for me? - You wanna see that? - Oh, yeah, I do.
- How about this one? - The other one too.
- Who's the Devil? - You're the Devil.
You're the Devil tonight.
I'm more the Um, guys, I'm still here.
- Oh, my God! - Dave, get out! - Right.
- Get out of here! - Get out! Go! - Yeah, I'm leaving.
He saw my shoulder, Keith.
He saw you saw my baby's shoulder.
- Go! Idiot! - I'm leaving! Oh, God.
I don't feel like it now.
- [SCOFFS.]
Dave! - I'm gonna
Sarika, he's gonna break the record! Okie dokie, everybody.
Sit down and start to shut up.
[KIDS GROANING.]
Uh oh, hey.
Kudos for you guys acting like normal teens.
Normally when I walk in here it's like a freaking creep show.
[THUD.]
I just found out today that I have a mailbox here at this school.
Who knew? My family's mailbox is a tiny replica of our actual house.
I like to imagine a tiny Victor lives in there and that my house is a mailbox for an even bigger Victor.
Good to know, Vic.
All right, Sarika, I need you to separate out all the mail order catalogues, okay? The junk mail's great research for my book.
I want to examine why people find happiness through the consumption of ridiculous products.
So, uh, who here has parents that have bought things off of an infomercial? My mom swears by the Ped-Scraper.
It's like this potato peeler for the dead skin on your feet.
It reveals her glowing, sexy foot without the price of a spa.
Hmm, guys, I can't be the only one who cuts him off.
All right, now who else has something? Hey, yo, Jackie.
Jackie.
Yeah, man.
Over here, man.
Check this out.
You ready for this? - I am.
- So, yo, you ready? Yes.
If I told you that you can cook an egg inside your pocket while you're in the gym, would you buy it? Is that real? These are the A.
P.
Bio practice exams! Yeah, well, Sarika, you don't really need to practice for something you're never going to do.
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[RIP.]
All right, who else here has a house filled with, like, infomercial crap? Marissa! You seem like you probably got a couple of hoarders in your household.
- Pappy loves treasure.
- I bet.
You will hand over the practice tests right now or I'm gonna show everyone these.
What are those? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
This is pictures of me and Lynette.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow, these are these are great.
Sarika, did you take these? That's very creepy of you, but these are really good shots.
- Can I keep these? - Yes.
And just so you know, I'm a grown-up ass man and I don't get embarrassed when I like somebody.
Same here.
I like Grace.
No, I I'm embarrassed.
That was embarrassing.
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART".]
One, two, three, four! Next time, I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart [LAUGHING.]
Mr.
Jack Griffin.
You, sir, are suspected of murder.
Mur is this about Tampa? I can't I I I I'm tired of explaining this.
Look, if you call it a dolphin ride, I'm gonna mount it.
All right, they didn't tell me that you're supposed to just ride on its tail.
How the hell was I supposed to know? I was just reminding you about my murder mystery party tonight.
Oh, God.
Oh yeah, got it.
Yeah.
No, thanks.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ew.
- Yeah.
Hey, man, congrats on the party invite.
I bet it never gets old.
Yeah, respect.
Yes, respect.
- Socializing is important.
- Okay, thanks, guys.
I appreciate the respect.
Yuyao, thank you, but needless to say, I won't be attending.
Look, I'm gonna tell you guys something that's not really going to register for probably ten-plus years but alone on your couch is the ultimate Friday night.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
We need those practice tests.
If we don't get them, we'll be forced to study with online knockoffs.
We need to sneak in tonight and take them.
- Oh - Sorry, Sarika.
We already have a plan to meet up for hot dogs at Target.
Grace is working.
VIP treatment.
Trust us, it's fun.
It's really fun.
- Fun is not important.
- Wrong.
Do you wanna nail the A.
P.
Bio exam and go to college or not? Uh, college is going to be pretty sick.
Eating ramen and snatching V-cards.
We're in.
Meet back here at dark.
What what time is dark? 8:00.
What time does "Room Raiders" come on? - It's it's early.
- It's, like, 7:30.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
Last year the murderer kept putting the kill stickers on our butts! Buttholes! Okay, I'm telling you, she aimed.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I would not miss this party for anything.
Unless my mom wakes up.
Oh, and I just love the theme this year.
I know! Murder at Whitlock High Instead of playing, like, butlers and aging starlets, we get to play each other! Ooh, are you going to Michelle's murder mystery party, Jackie Chan? Ah, I can't unfortunately.
I've got firm plans to sort through my junk mail.
Oh, Jack, you've got to go! I I can pick you up in any car you want.
I have a trick that I use at Enterprise.
You ask for a 15 passenger van.
They never have one and then you drive off in whatever sweet ride you choose.
[ALL CHEERING.]
I can't wait to play one of you guys this year.
Oh, you guys talking murder party? Yup.
Uh, you're still coming, right? Of course.
I'm the reigning champ.
Last year, I solved the mystery in 47 minutes.
Broke Durbin's record and he is a brilliant detective.
[ALL CHUCKLING.]
Hey, well, my ex-wife always called me Sherlock.
Like when I would ask her, "Hey, are you cheating on me?" And she would go, "What do you think, Sherlock?" And I also solved the mystery of my neighbor's missing penis.
Turns out, it was inside my wife.
Oh! [LAUGHING.]
- Feels good to laugh.
- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Yeah, so it took you 47 minutes to solve a silly parlor game? Oh, you think you can do it faster? Oh, I know I can.
- Game on.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Ooh-la-la.
Looks like someone is trying to impress someone.
Yeah, well, if that first someone is me and that second someone is Lynette then someone is correct.
- Ooh! - [CHUCKLES.]
I was gesturing to you.
You're that other someone.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
- Damn it, Jack.
You used up the rest of our break time for that nonsense? - Right.
- And that someone is you.
- Boo! - Come on someone.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
I can't believe they had one! [GROANS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Welcome to hell.
[SYNTHESIZED DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
If you find a sticker on you, you've been murdered.
- Hmm.
- Keith will be providing the ambiance.
[SYNTHETIC THUNDER ROARING.]
- I really do love you so much.
- I love you.
I'm I'm also in love with you.
- I remain in love with you.
- You stay perfect.
Thanks for coming everyone and welcome to hell.
[WOMAN SCREAMING.]
You're all to remain in character as each other.
The game ends when someone catches the murderer in the act or the murderer kills us all.
Winner gets this trophy.
- Ooh! - Sweet.
Yes, queen.
Yes! Wow, you know what? I see you, Coach.
[CHUCKLES.]
I see you.
We begin with [GASPS.]
A murder! - It's you, Dave.
- No, it's not! If you would lay down, you're our kickoff murder victim this year! I was the first victim last year! I drove all the way from Morenci for this.
- We know, Dave.
- Down.
I mean, I just loaded up.
I I, you know, I haven't taken a bite yet.
- Down.
- We know.
We know.
- Dave, come on.
- Really.
- You all want that? - ALL: Yes! - Well, keep your eyes open.
- It just doesn't seem fair.
I mean, two years in a row.
Uh, but what would you do if it was it's just not right! - Down, David.
- I don't wanna do it.
I'm laying down because I respect the rules of the game.
I live in Morenci.
Ugh! And I believe you all have your assignments.
Let the games begin! Clock's ticking.
Um, oh, J'accuse! [LAUGHING.]
J'accuse.
Yeah, Michelle? Your music-y husband there with the too-much-equipment.
Yup, I see him touching Mary's elbow there.
Why don't you check your elbow? I bet you'll find a sticker.
Oh, I I just wanted to feel the fabric.
I'm kind of a textile head.
Wait, you're Helen? I'm Helen! Maybe that's a clue! Or maybe it's a [SPOOKY.]
Mistake! [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
Okay.
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Whoa, the faculty lounge.
This is where the teachers talk about what pills they use.
- Wait.
- Come on, Sarika.
No.
No, you guys.
[SIGHS.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[GASPS.]
The murderer has struck again! Uh-oh! Oh, ooh.
Oh, he snuck a drink in there, didn't he? - [ALL CHUCKLING.]
- [GROANS DRAMATICALLY.]
Who amongst us shall be next? Oh, I I hope it's not me.
I live in Morenci.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- He's he's still doing Dave.
- That's good.
That was really good.
Get him, Durb! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's who's over there near Fred? Helen, you were over there.
You're the murderer.
I mean, you seem nervous.
No, I'm not I'm not I'm not Which, you know, makes sense because you are 25 minutes in and it looks like that record is slipping away.
You only have two accusations left.
Look, it doesn't matter because I'm gonna - I'm gonna - Tick tock, tick tock.
Well, that's fine because I'm just gonna I'm gonna go ahead and end this right now.
Michelle, I have an accusation to make.
I accuse Helen of murder! J'accuse, - j'accuse! - What? Okay, thanks.
Remember, you're playing coach.
He doesn't know French.
I know enough.
Tell me the truth, Mary.
Did you put the sticker on him? Hey, no Mary here.
Fake Mary's over there, laying down, wearing a pair of boner-killing khakis that no woman would ever wear.
That is not true! I borrowed these from my wife! "I borrowed these from my wife!" - [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Get him, Durb! What's your favorite type of brown coffee? - Folgers.
- Me too.
There's a lot of half-eaten salads in here.
I'm just gonna take a Cobb.
My parents paid for it with their tax dollars.
- Guys.
- [BOTH EXCLAIM.]
Stop goofing around.
I got the key.
Let's get these tests.
Hi, Helen.
I'm Jack, I'm an Ivy Leaguer and I'm not the murderer because I'm too busy stomping around and grumping around and, uh, shopping for sweaters.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes! And howdy, I'm Helen and I'm not the murderer because I'm too busy buying sweatshirts.
[CACKLING.]
Wow.
You bitch.
[UPBEAT PARTY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Did you just touch my back? Did you put a sticker on me? - Dude.
- Hey, hey Jack.
- What are you doing? - Whoa! Have you solved it yet? 'Cause your time is nearly up.
Yeah, you know what? I think I got it.
I'm gonna make a I'm gonna j'accuse.
- Check this out.
- Yeah? All right.
- A food drive? - BOTH: Yeah.
- Hey, ladies.
- Oh, Jack.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi! Yeah, save it, lady.
I saw you over by the snack table earlier.
Yeah, where Ms.
Malinowski got stickered? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no! Oh, I'm onto you, you sneaky son of a bitch.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Excuse me? Uh, yeah, I bet you if I reach into this pocket right now, what am I gonna find? I think I'm gonna well, I think I'm just gonna find a Ow! Why do you have forks in your pocket? Okay, Jack, Jack, take it easy.
Oh, go easy.
Let's go everybody go easy.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm trying to play the game.
Isn't that why we're here? To play the game? All right, you you know what? You guys are just jealous 'cause I'm gonna break the record.
That's that's what it is.
'Cause I'm I'm a winner.
Yeah, I'm the smartest guy here! [CHUCKLES.]
And I'm going to be at home eating that cookie cake while you guys are in your beds pulling stickers out of your buttholes! BOTH: Hmm? You know what? I you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
Mavis, we're gonna need those forks back, okay? Hmm? [FORKS CLINKING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I don't know if she heard me or not.
LES: Oh, God.
That was an awesome meltdown.
Well, you sure seem like you enjoyed it.
"I'm the smartest one here"? I mean, that was spectacular.
Mm-hmm.
By the way, why are you carrying that folder around? Durbin always has a folder.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
- J'accuse.
- What? J'accuse! Let me see this thing.
What's in here? Oh-ho-ho! You're the killer! Ho-ho! I win.
I win, what time is it? Did I did I break the record? - There's just one problem.
- What? You died ten seconds ago.
[CHUCKLES.]
What did you oh, when you came in.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Yeah, oh, damn it.
You know, if we form an alliance, I think I can win and end this game in record time.
What's in it for me? 10,000 cookie cake calories.
- Mmm, I love cookie cakes.
I'm in.
- Yeah.
Dial that coach thing up to, like, an 11.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
I can handle that.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's good.
Let's go kill our friends.
[JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS' "I LOVE ROCK 'N ROLL" PLAYS.]
Strong enough for a man, strong enough for a woman.
Who gives a rip? It's all deodorant.
- [GUNSHOT, KNIFE CLANGS.]
- So good.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I liked it.
I thought I was talking to coach.
Now a mesh short, that'll let 'em breathe, but spandex will save you from the chafe.
Bingo, but you still got a talc.
Oh, ya got a talc.
- Yeah! - [KNIFE CLANGS.]
Any dope with a dingus can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.
Get on in here champ! Huh? Give us a hug? [GUNSHOTS.]
I love rock and roll So come and take the time and dance with me Oh, heck.
How does a Harvard man die? Uh Oh, treachery! Oh, sweet dagger! Horatio, I'm dying.
Oh, my kingdom for a horse! Ooh, ooh.
[FUNERAL DIRGE PLAYING.]
Ow, I'm Jack! That is that's how you would die.
[CHUCKLING.]
Leg work, okay.
Oh, no! Your butt got murdered again! Oh, no, wait.
Let me see yours.
Let me see.
- Oh, it got you too! - [GROANS.]
Oh, girl, let's go die at a wine table.
- Come on.
- Man! - Oh, hell.
I'm out.
- Me too.
[GRUNTING.]
[DRAMATIC SYNTHESIZED MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
ALL: Whoa! Not too fast, not too fast! [ALL CHEERING.]
You guys, I did it! I got the tests from Mr.
Griffin's desk! We just found the janitors' mops and we're gonna joust.
We are not supposed to be having fun.
There's no question on the Harvard application about how much fun I had in high school.
[SIGHS.]
Look.
I know I'm a lot.
I know nobody likes me.
We like you Sarika.
Right, guys? - Yeah, you're fun.
- You're hardcore.
You're my best friend.
Oh.
Thank you.
So what do you say? [IMITATES LANCES SWISHING.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
I guess I could do one joust.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Just so we can get out of here.
- Aim for the soft meat! - Shut up.
Three, two, one.
[YELLING, CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my God! That was amazing.
- That was amazing.
- That was good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you not gonna tell them that you're the murderer? No, I think I want it to be a mystery forever.
Kind of like a Zodiac Killer type of thing.
Ooh! Hey, so, I don't know if you noticed, but I grabbed your trophy on the way out.
That's a delicious looking cookie cake.
Are you just gonna eat it by yourself or? I mean, technically, half this thing's mine, so if you wanted to go somewhere and split it.
You know what I've always wanted to do? To kick a field goal.
- Right now? - What, you busy? No.
[SNEAKY MUSIC.]
And.
.
[ANNOUNCER VOICE.]
here's the kick! Going, going, it's gone! It's good! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh! You know, it's true what they say.
I am great at football.
Yes, you are.
Okay, who wants to go next? Heather, You want some of this? Bitch, I was born to joust you.
- Oh! - [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, can you guys let me know if you find, like, a little screw? - Let's do it! - Three, two, one, roll! [YELLING.]
Anthony, watch out! - [EXCLAIMS.]
- [THUDDING.]
[ALL CHUCKLING.]
Hey, what are you kids doing in here? Run! [ALL KIDS YELLING.]
- Really? Come back! - Go, go! Aah! Stop! Stop right there! Stop! - [SCREAMS.]
- Go, go, go! - Sarika, the tests! - Oh, no.
You know what? Leave them.
Go, go, go! Oh, my God! This is so much fun! Seriously, can I tell you something that might be hard to hear? Oh, absolutely.
I can't wait to hear this.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You impression of Coach sucked.
Oh, no, - It was bad.
No, my Coach was excellent.
- I, on the other hand - Mm-hmm.
I did a perfect Durbin.
- Yeah, it was pretty good.
- In fact, I'm still doing Durbin.
Everything I've said tonight.
Durbin.
- Really.
- Mm-hmm.
Ev everything you're saying and doing right now, that's not you, that's you doing Durbin? Every single thing.
How about now? - Yeah.
- Really, still Durbin? Still Durbin.
- Still Durbin? - Still Durbin.
- How about right now? - Yep.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
You need to sign your permission slips! Oh, Ralph.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[ALL YELLING.]
Whoa, guys, guys! Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Is that Mr.
Griffin? Yeah.
That's that payroll lady he lies.
- Aww.
- Get some! [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING RAPIDLY.]
Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Let's go! [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Everyone's having fun but me.
So what do you think? You'll sign with the Chargers, Patriots? - Ooh.
- Me? I'm probably heading to Green Bay.
Yeah, you know what? I I think I'd think I'd sign with any of them to get out of Toledo.
You don't like living in Toledo? God, no.
No.
[SCOFFS.]
Can't wait to get out of here.
I'm thinking probably Tokyo, maybe Berlin.
You know, London if a lot goes wrong.
Okay, well, I'm here to stay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Come on, really? Yeah.
I love Toledo.
Okay.
Well, I don't like it.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- ALL: Bye! - Drive safe! - Great party, guys.
- Okay, that's the last one.
[MAYER HAWTHORNE'S "JUS AIN'T GONNA WORK OUT" PLAYS.]
Don't wanna see your tears Yeah, I have been waiting for this all night.
Then get off those jeans.
My sweater is tucked all the way into my underwear.
You got something for me? - You wanna see that? - Oh, yeah, I do.
- How about this one? - The other one too.
- Who's the Devil? - You're the Devil.
You're the Devil tonight.
I'm more the Um, guys, I'm still here.
- Oh, my God! - Dave, get out! - Right.
- Get out of here! - Get out! Go! - Yeah, I'm leaving.
He saw my shoulder, Keith.
He saw you saw my baby's shoulder.
- Go! Idiot! - I'm leaving! Oh, God.
I don't feel like it now.
- [SCOFFS.]
Dave! - I'm gonna