Abbott Elementary (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1
I, for one, loathe that
we live in a surveillance state,
but is there any chance
there is a security camera
pointed towards the bike rack?
No. Our camera is pointed
at the drop-off line
so I can see which dads have nice cars.
- Why?
- A bike has gone missing.
Who would steal a child's bike?
Well, maybe not a child's,
but an adult's.
Your bike got stolen?
I saw an unfamiliar man milling
about the rack this morning.
Okay, well, what did he look like?
U-Uh, I would say he had a, you know,
somewhat curly and spherical haircut.
An afro?
It was Some might call it
You know what, this feels reductive.
No, no, no! No,
let's get to the bottom of this.
Would you describe this person
as someone who might
have difficulty getting a loan?
You know what? It's fine.
Was it really ever my bike, anyways?
You know, does anyone
really own anything?
I will, uh, leave you
to ponder that query,
and, uh, adieu.
I suppose I won't be needing this.
After reading the material
and looking at the data
from the past five years,
I have to agree with the
nutritional board of Missouri
that small changes like a beverage
can lead to seismic shifts.
Guys, this juice is the future.
You don't need to stand when you talk.
You don't need to talk, period.
Once a year,
the lunch crew has a meeting
to discuss new menu options
from the school district.
This year it was about juice.
Now, the meeting is technically
open to all staff,
but most teachers take the hint
and leave it to the professionals.
One teacher wouldn't know a hint
if it closed a door in her face.
Twice.
You guys missed
a great lunch committee meeting.
They don't want teachers there.
Oh, so they just say "all
are welcome" as a formality?
Yeah, right.
Oh, God. Anyway, someone had
to get the scoop
on this hot new juice.
It's two more ounces than the
juice the kids are drinking now
and five percent more real juice.
That's 10 percent more juice.
Okay, math! Yes, it's less sugar.
It's better all around.
It's a really easy low-lift win
for our kids.
So what do you guys think?
- Less sugar is compelling.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not really a big fan of juice.
I prefer nature's juice
Water.
What do you think, Barbara?
I say no. The kids aren't complaining.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
I'm with Barbara.
Okay, well, I'm for it,
but I would love to discuss further.
I have been here a long time, Janine.
Trust me.
New projects mean new problems.
Mm-hmm.
What problems could there possibly be?
"Oh, no, help me. I'm hurting"
from getting too much of my
daily recommended fruit servings.
There's no downside here.
It seems like you have
made up your mind.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to go teach my children
what happens
if you give a moose a muffin.
It does not end well.
New juice it is.
Okay, so if you have a dollar,
and your brother,
who already owes you 10 grand
'cause he keeps backing the Jets,
wants to borrow 75 cents
Where are my quarters?
Whoo!
Ashley Garcia, Frankford, Philly.
Old enough to know better,
young enough to sheesh.
And I'm here at Abbott as an aide
'cause I'm helpful as hell.
That's why I've been at
four schools in four months.
'Cause everyone wants a piece.
Hey, are those mine?
Hey, you want your own quarters,
date your own vending machine guy.
I'm using them for my
science lesson on momentum.
Oh! If it's heads, I get to keep it.
It's tails.
Would you look at this?
The kids love it,
and the juice is flying off the trays.
Yeah, maybe next year
we could get real meat.
Mmm.
Mm. What's that I taste?
Is that the nectar of sweet victory?
Yeah, the kids are having more juice,
but less sugar,
and they seem very happy.
That's nice, dear.
You gotta admit this was a good idea.
You know, your kids
are probably loving it.
Well, I guess we'll never know
because I did not opt in for this juice.
Why not?
Because my class will be
sticking with the juice
that has been working
for the past 20 years.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
All right, you know what?
I think they should change
that phrase to "If it ain't broke,
do fix it sometimes
because it might make it better."
So you want to fix an unbroken phrase
that has been used
effectively for generations?
If it makes it better, then yes.
Ugh.
Don't worry.
Chapter books will be a breeze.
Most books are based off movies anyway,
so you can watch instead of
No, no! No.
Ashley is more easily distracted
than my second graders.
But I got a plan.
I figure if we organize
her work, it'd help,
so I made her a to-do list,
which is different from my to-do list,
which includes
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Or Jon "The Rock" Bon Jovi.
Yeah, so where are youse
on that checklist?
Oh.
Ashley. Checklist.
Oh, you meant me?
Right. Good! Great.
- I mean, I lost it.
- Of course.
Okay, so you're supposed
to be working on words
with H's after P's. 'Kay?
H's after D's? That's weird.
No. H's after P.
P.
You said pee-pee.
Hot, right?
So this is vintage 2019 Zara,
previously loved. I'm gonna
start this listing at $20.
Okay, I see you @moolahbaybee.
Can I get $25?
Ava, it's urgent.
Okay, sold to @moolahbaybee.
You better count your blessings,
fan, 'cause this is a steal.
Okay, y'all, I gotta run.
Remember, my live pop-up sales
only happen
Monday through Friday,
9:00 a. m. to 3:00 p. m..
Otherwise, I'm pretty busy.
Peace.
Administrative business.
What's going on?
- Ashley's gotta go.
- Who?
My new aide. I want her gone.
Oh, what exactly is the problem?
She's giving me agita.
We can't fire people for that.
I tried to get Jacob fired
his first year
for buying me a reusable
water bottle for Christmas.
I found it passive aggressive.
And yet he's still here.
You gotta have a paper trail
of bad behavior.
This is a bureaucracy.
Yeah, but she's a huge pain in my ass.
I'm actually getting less work
done with her here.
Okay, damn. I'll come to your class
and monitor her myself.
- You will?
- Yes!
Why does everybody get so
surprised when I say I'll help?
I'm a professional.
No, that's That's great.
Thank you.
Now, what does one wear to monitor?
Three-ninths is complicated.
A little full of itself.
It's not my favorite, but some people
Oh. Kalan, Armonni, welcome back.
You took so long I thought
you fell in the toilet,
but now it's time to fall
into the wonderful world of fractions.
I have to go to the bathroom,
too, Miss Teagues.
Okay, um, who else needs
to go to the bathroom?
Well, looks like I need to go, too,
so I guess it's time
to take a little field trip.
Dang, this line is longer
than Saweetie's nails.
Is there some kind of
free-before-ten special
going on that I don't know about?
We've been in line for 15 minutes.
It's been like this all day.
Has it? That's wild.
'Cause I've been so busy
working, you know, I didn't notice.
Whoa, I thought it was just my class.
What is going on?
It's this new juice.
It's busting their bladders.
Oh, but that can't be it.
I mean, it's only two more ounces.
Well, I guess two more ounces
adds up to 200 more trips
to the bathroom.
Well, this is a good thing
because more trips to the bathroom
means more liquid flushing
through their tiny bodies
and cleansing their tiny little cells.
Hydration.
- This is good.
- Mm.
Uh-oh. I think the bathroom broke.
All the first floor bathrooms
are broken.
Until reinforcements arrive,
everyone has to use
the upstairs bathroom.
And I pray to
the Mario Brothers they hold.
If I didn't have so much class,
I'd say "I told you so."
Ugh! You did not tell me
that changing juices
would make the kids drink so much
that they peed the bathrooms
out of commission.
I told you that there was no need
to fix something that wasn't broken.
But no, that wasn't enough for Janine.
You should have just listened to me.
How are we even supposed to teach?
My first graders have never even
been to the second floor before.
And it takes me 45 seconds
at a brisk pace
to get all the way up there.
It will take the kids forever.
You time yourself going
to the second floor?
- You don't?
- Uh, while I admit
this is an unfortunate circumstance,
it will be nice to have
some extra pairs of feet
up in the penthouses.
That's what we non-ground floor
teachers call it.
Wait, Barbara, is your
kindergarten bathroom still working?
Yes, my private facilities are intact,
due to my responsible juice decision.
Can our kids use it, Barbara?
Please? It's a close call getting them
to the first floor bathroom as it is.
And first graders have
- the second most combustible bladders.
- Okay, fine.
The kindergarten bathroom
may be used in emergencies.
Oh, thank goodness.
I meant the kids.
I'm a kid at heart.
You
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Your lipstick pretty.
- Those pants are creased real well.
Okay, kids. How many yards are
in one Manute Bol?
Jessica.
Three?
Not quite. Anybody else?
I'm Meg Thee Skeleton and it's
time to learn about our bones.
Eh!
Good news is, now that I have
Ashley helping out in my class,
I can teach two lessons at once.
Bad news is, I now have
Ashley in my class.
How y'all doing? Don't worry about me.
I'm not even here.
Alright. So, um
I'm here to teach you about the human
Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody ♪
- Bones, blood, meat, you! ♪
- Okay.
Hey. Hi, my class.
You guys would know this
if you did your homework.
Hello. Right up here, guys.
Right up here.
- Girl, is that my shirt?
- Oh, this?
I got it off a popular Depop page.
@AvaFlaaaaaaaaaav with 10 A's?
Oh, my God. That's you?
I love your clothes.
Thank you.
I closed that account down for tax
reasons, but I do live auctions now.
Here, scan this QR code and hit follow,
and make sure you turn
on the notifications
so you don't miss anything.
The good stuff goes fast.
Oh, my gosh. That's so smart.
You know, way better than
some piece of paper I'd lose.
Business cards are for gum, girl.
- This is the future.
- Yes.
Okay, how many feet are in a yard?
Melissa, do you mind?
We talking business back here.
Okay, here's another one.
If I were to break
this yard stick in half
out of anger,
how long would each piece be?
The human Body-ody-ody-ody-ody ♪
Bones, blood, meat, you ♪
What clothes do we wear
in the winter time?
- Coat!
- Mittens!
- Very good.
- Pajamas!
Hi, Keta. Hi, Hayley. Hi, Fred.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Howard. We'll be quick.
Come on.
All right, now.
And in what seasons do we wear
Sorry, Mrs. Howard.
In what seasons do we wear pajamas?
My pajamas have racecars on them!
Yes.
Bathroom's over there.
Oh, thanks, girl.
Buddy system.
Pajamas are actually year-round attire.
Mrs. Howard, I have to go potty.
All right. Get in line.
But it's a memergency.
Well, come on. Come on.
Let's go.
Hey! No cutting!
Excuse me.
My children are kindergartners
and they need the bathroom
more than anyone.
Not more than me. I had 10 juices.
You know what?
From now on, you all need to use
the bathroom on the second floor.
But, Mrs. Howard, that's not fair.
You know what's not fair?
My children having to pay
for your juice mistakes.
Now, please get out.
- That way!
- Okay.
- C-Come on.
- Sorry.
You trippin'. Ashley is a star.
I'm trying to run a classroom,
and she's actively working against that.
I can't even hear myself think
over the kids
singing body-wody-whatever.
See, that's not even how the song goes.
I thought you was
one of them spicy Whites.
I hate being wrong.
Ava, she is a menace.
She painted eyeballs on her lids
so she could nap during class.
Ava!
She's supposed to be
prepping right now during lunch.
I don't even know where she is.
No. She's perfect.
Like a little mini-me.
Hold on.
Ashley, make a note in my
Halloween costumes ideas folder
for a Mini-Me and a sexy Dr. Evil.
- Copy.
- Ashley.
Where are you?
Getting water for Ava's clothes steamer.
She wanted to steam them.
Can you go back to prepping
in my classroom, please?
Okay, you're kinda throwing
a lot at me here.
Ashley, go back to my classroom.
What? I already did my prep.
I do it while I'm teaching.
I call it preaching.
Single file. Just line up right here.
- All right?
- Bathroom?
- Yeah.
- This is so inconvenient,
I can barely find a silver lining.
You found one?
We're getting good exercise.
It don't count
if I don't got my FitBit on.
We cannot be expected to keep
hauling our entire classes
up the stairs every five seconds.
We would help Barbara
if she needed it, right?
Yeah. Absolutely.
Because it is her free period right now.
And it's not like we'd be
disrupting her class.
Right? And I bet if I asked her,
she'd want us to use her bathroom.
- Come on kids.
- Yeah, right.
- Let's be quiet.
- Everyone, shhh.
Get low. Well, really,
just Mr. Eddie get low.
Get low. Get low. Okay, come on.
What's taking that kid so long?
Who's even in there?
Um, everything okay?
You know, Gregory, you try it.
I've been told I knock like a ghost.
Could y I know. Just
Hi, Mrs. Howard.
I distinctly remember
telling both of you
that my bathroom was off limits.
Yes. Yes. But then I remembered
how if you needed help,
I would give it to you.
And that's lovely, but I said no.
Barbara, look, it's your free period.
Your kids are at the gym.
I don't care what period it is.
I said no, and I do not need
to explain my reasoning to you.
When I say something, that is
the end of the discussion.
There is a period at the end
of each of my sentences.
- That felt like an exclamation point.
- Mnh-mnh.
I'm sorry.
Barbara, we are sorry,
but we will be done in a minute.
The kids will be out, and it
will be like we were ever here.
I think it's broken.
Man, this is messier
than Temple Homecoming '74.
The kindergarten toilet somehow took out
all the second floor toilets with it.
Third floor bathroom is all we got now.
And I just got off the phone
with the city.
They said they can't do
anything until next week.
Thank you, Janine.
I was hoping I could take
my entire class
up and down the stairs all day long.
And since one of my students
can't use the stairs,
I'll have to drop Johnny off
with another teacher.
Thank you.
Ah! Yeah.
You know, when you think
about it, "Grindin'" by Clipse
was kind of the original Cup Song.
Mm. Oh, my God.
I never thought about it like that.
Anna Kendrick is such a fraud!
Oh, hi, Ashley.
Glad to see you hard at not-work.
I'm sure you finished that
to-do list I gave you?
Nar.
But I did write it all down
in my Notes app this time.
I'll get right on it.
Jacob, more on Anna Kendrick later.
Ava, status update.
All orders have been packaged
for shipping.
Oh, never thought the district
would send someone so enterprising.
Thank you.
I haven't seen you this mad
since the bartender cut you off
at the batting cages.
I can't get this girl
to put caps back on markers,
and here she is helping Ava run
an entire pyramid scheme.
Just tossing it out there,
feel free to toss it right back,
but maybe it's because
Ava actually engages with her.
This is a job.
It's not a meet and greet.
I'm just saying, it might help
if you got to know her.
Or Or, you know, carry on as is.
Whatever you Whatever you like.
Let's get in line. Thank you.
Air is thin up here on the third floor.
Mm-hmm.
Barbara, I owe you an apology
just as s-soon as I catch my breath.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I know you didn't mean
to ruin my day, Janine.
But I did.
You did.
I tried to tell you no,
but you wouldn't listen.
All day long I have 5-year-olds
asking me why this, why that.
I do not have the time
for a bunch of 20-somethings
doing the same thing.
I hear you. I do.
But, Barbara, we need to know the why.
If you just tell us the answer,
we'll never learn how
to solve the problems.
We need you to show your work, too.
Look, when you were first starting out,
didn't you have someone who, like,
walked you through everything
and showed you the tricks of the trade?
I did not.
Oh. Okay.
I can't believe that
they won't come out for a week
just because we have
one working bathroom left.
Phew.
Janine, now is when you fix something.
When it's broken.
You see how that works?
I mean yeah, unless you're the city.
I will be right back.
Watch my class. Thank you.
Excuse me.
So, uh, what's
this little number called?
Oh, the "Grindin'" beat.
My older sister taught it to me.
Kids love it.
It's kinda like the Cup Song.
Oh, we have so much to discuss.
Signing ♪
Wanna try?
Yeah, you know what, I'm good for now.
But how about this?
How about we make time
for you to teach
something cool like this
to the kids every week?
'Cause they're loving it.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
And for now, why don't you
start grindin' away
on that math test?
- Can do, boss.
- All right.
Melissa, I need your baseball bat.
- Taped under my desk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wipe it down when you're done.
- Got it.
Wait, can I get a baseball bat?
When you're older.
Come on, guys.
Good job washing your hands.
Go sit down on the stairs.
Who else has to go? Come on up
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!
- We're sorry. We're sorry.
- Barbara, what?!
Did everyone get a chance
to use the bathroom?
I pooped.
That's great, sweetheart.
Um, okay
Come on, y'all. Let's take a step back.
Everybody step behind me.
Just stand behind me.
Just behind us. Come on.
Oh, my God.
Whew.
Well, this bathroom
is out of commission.
We will have to inform
the district that our situation
is now officially an emergency.
Barbara! This is why I always
want to meet up
with you and talk things out,
because you know how
to handle every situation.
And clearly, I do not.
Well, I didn't have anybody
to show me the ropes.
You were right.
It would have been a big help.
Why don't I set aside some time
so anyone wanting to know
how I handled a situation
- and why can come
- Build community.
Talk to me.
- Like office hours.
- Office hour.
- Got it. Once a week.
- Once a month.
Deal.
Deal.
I have one thing to ask in return.
Yeah?
Get rid of this for me.
- Oh, um
- Thank you.
- I don't wanna
- Come on.
- be a part ofthis.
- Come on. Let's go, class.
I had to go over to the corner store
and they wouldn't give me
the bathroom code
without a purchase, so
I panic-bought some scratchers.
Come on, early retirement.
Yeah, same. So terrible.
Couldn't pee anywhere all day.
It was bananas.
I know y'all didn't think I was using
them little kiddie toilets up there.
Unh-unh. No cameras in the bathroom.
But if you're wondering if I
have a bidet, you bet I bi-do.