According To Jim s02e05 Episode Script

(YELLS) (CHERYL CHUCKLING) Hello, my young lassies! Are you ready to do some trick-or-treating? BOTH: Yes! Yes! Wait, honey.
Where's the Halloween candy? Huh? "Huh?" Honey, I called you this morning.
I asked you to get Halloween candy.
Honey, one call puts it on the radar, two calls makes it sink in.
Honey! I don't have any candy at the house and kids are gonna be here any minute.
Let's go, Daddy.
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah! There's my little Dracula.
Let's go.
You, my saucy wench, I'll be back for you! Come on, you bum! Jim! What? What are we gonna do? Okay.
For the fairy princess, we have some meat loaf, and some three-bean salad for the rabbit.
And for the mummy, spicy gazpacho! Okay.
Happy Halloween.
Okay, bye-bye.
What do you want from me? That's all I have! That's all I have! (EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Hey, did you help the girls get dressed for school? Yes, I did.
Did you brush their teeth? Yes, I did.
Round in circles, like the dentist said, not back and forth? Cheryl, why do you care? They're gonna lose those teeth anyway.
And yet, you still comb your hair.
(EXCLAIMS) What the Cheryl, did you unplug this? Yeah, I needed to plug in my new face steamer.
Well, why didn't you just use your plug on your side of the sink? 'Cause I need that for my hairdryer and my toothbrush.
Cheryl, you know what? We used to have two separate sides of the sink.
And then, one day, your face cream made it over here and I didn't say anything because I was trying to be a good neighbor.
But I should've said something then, because now I'm just drowning in exfoliants and scrubs and nose strips and this.
Look! Look! What is this? When did my soap turn pink? So a few of my things made it over to your side of the sink.
Honey, it's not just the sink.
Come here, I want to show you something.
Come on.
Oh, honey, you already showed me something.
Pull up your boxers.
Mommy, we're ready for school.
(LAUGHING) Honey.
What? CHERYL: This is what you dressed them in for school? What? They're pretty girls, showing off a little bit.
All right, you guys, go get your cereal.
You look beautiful, girls! You do.
Just beautiful! Honey.
Look.
Okay.
Now, you see this here? Yeah.
Look.
Your clothes have made it past the half-court line, into my space.
Well, honey, if we just had a normal-sized closet like everybody else in the neighborhood Okay, there you go again, comparing us to the neighbors.
Oh! My closet's too small.
I need a new couch.
I want smoke detectors! Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Remember when we moved into this house? I had a whole room to myself.
I had a foosball table, I had a dart board, a mini fridge.
Well, and then we had kids and they needed someplace to sleep.
Great.
You get knocked up, I gotta suffer.
Come on! Jim.
What? Well, it's very simple.
I have more clothes, I need more closet space, therefore "Therefore"? What's with the lawyer talk? Look, I am a man and I want my space, and you're trying to take it away.
Just like all women do! What are you talking about? I'm talking about the basketball courts, the Senate floor, outer space.
All men's places that women have taken over.
You know, maybe you shouldn't have given us the right to vote.
Well, it's too late to put that genie back in the bottle.
Fine.
You can have the outlet back on your side of the bathroom.
And you know what else? You know what else? I want you to keep your clothes out of my side of the closet.
Even though you don't need it? Especially because I don't need it.
All right, fine.
I'll get rid of a few things.
Good.
Yeah.
Hey, does this mean there's gonna be a line down the middle of the bed, too? Yes.
But, you know, we'll be like Canada.
A lot of free trade going back and forth.
All right.
What about this? Keeper pile.
(SIGHS) This is never gonna work.
Everything looks good on me.
I know.
I have that, too.
Look, you obviously don't want to do this.
Why don't you just keep the clothes? Dana, you don't understand.
You're single.
Marriage is compromise.
I promised Jim I'd get rid of a few things.
Oh, Cheryl.
Could you be any more hung up on making your marriage work? You know, I can do this.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna turn around and you're gonna take all these clothes and take them to Goodwill.
And no matter what I say, you keep going.
Okay.
(GRUNTING) (STAMMERING) All right, you know what? I kind of changed my mind.
Yeah, you know what? Totally never mind.
(STUTTERING) Yeah, you know what? You go out that door, you are dead to me! Why did you stop? I don't know where Goodwill is, anyway.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Jim said he really needs more space.
(SCOFFS) Jim? What about your space? I mean, come on, you're stuck in this house all day, kids hanging off you, you know, no privacy.
At least they give a hamster a wheel to run around on.
Maybe you're right.
Darn right I'm right! There are more women on this planet than men, and it's time we start taking what's ours! We're gonna start with your closet.
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
Uh-huh.
I'm keeping everything in that pile.
And you know what else? I might buy a belt.
Ow! You go! You go, girl! (STAMMERING) What was that? That's my "Z" snap.
Oh.
I love that! Yeah.
Try it out, mama.
Okay.
Well, it's not for everyone.
Did you kill the spider? Yes, you baby.
Go on, flush it.
Flush it.
Come on.
Flush it! What is it with you and spiders? It's a phobia.
Everybody has them.
You have phobias.
Like that one about being naked in public.
Cheryl? Cheryl? Yeah.
Cheryl.
Why are there more of your clothes on my side of the closet than there were this morning? Yeah, well, I heard what you said today about, you know, needing more space, and you're right, I do.
What? What? Yeah, so, I went shopping.
Cheryl, this is not the kind of disobedience that makes me hot.
JIM: Okay? Jim! You don't need more space, you have tons of space.
You got a whole office you go to.
That's my work.
That's my office.
That doesn't count.
Well, okay, okay.
What about the band? You spend all that time in the garage.
Yeah, well, the point is, I don't have tons of space, and what little space I have, you're invading.
I mean, everything, everything in this house is yours.
No, Jim, it's ours.
It's part of our joyous commitment to spend our lives together! Ours! Ours? There's not one thing in this room that I've picked.
Well Not one thing.
Look.
Anything there? No.
Anything here? No.
Look, look.
Bonsai tree? Yours.
Dust ruffle? Yours.
Duvet? Yours.
And the fact that I even know those words makes my skin crawl.
Yeah, but, you know what? That's not a bonsai, that's a topiary.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know what it's called.
Cheryl, come on, I wanted to put some of my things in here but you said they didn't go with anything.
Jim, you wanted to put up a set of bull horns with "Mexico" written on it.
I had a theme in mind, Cheryl.
Well, Jim, I'm going to take up as much of that closet as I need and you can just deal with it.
What? What? (STAMMERING) What the hell? What's that? That's my "Z" snap.
Oh.
Cheryl, I will not be denied my space, because that's what men need, and make no mistake about that.
I am a man! There's another spider in our room.
Cheryl, you want to get that, please? Jim? Yeah.
What have you done? Oh, you know, just sprucing up our room a little bit.
Hey, Cheryl, check this out.
Score one for Team Jim.
No, this is all the stuff you had in that dump you lived in when I first met you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I found it up in the attic where you temporarily stored it for seven years.
CHERYL: Oh.
Look, honey, it's so great.
You know what we can do? We can soak the carpet in beer and we'll turn it into a frat house! Yeah.
We can call it "I'm a Mega Jackass!" (LAUGHING) Ooh! You get on the board for that one.
Hey, Jim, where do you want this? (EXCLAIMS) Oh! I don't know.
Well, why don't we ask Cheryl because this is her room, too? Cheryl, where's the funniest place to put this? The funniest place? Yeah, because Oh! All right, now, get this junk out of here.
What do you mean? What? Come on, I've been living with your stuff for the last seven years.
Oh.
I think it's time for a little change of pace.
Unless you have a problem with that? I don't think so! Ooh! J-dog, kicking it old school! JIM: You give this message to the sisterhood, that men all over the country are gonna take their space back.
The free ride is over! Play me out, Andy.
(BEATBOXING) (MIMICKING RECORD SCRATCHING) (EXCLAIMS) Hey, girls.
What are you doing? Staring contest.
And I'm gonna win.
Oh, really? Well, I got a buck says you lose.
Well, well, well, look at that.
Spaghetti and meatballs.
I wasn't expecting this for another couple of days.
What you mean? Cheryl only makes spaghetti and meatballs when she is utterly broken and defeated.
You see, Cheryl is speaking to me through the food.
And nothing says, "You win.
"I'm no match for your twisted genius, "you six-foot sex machine" like spaghetti and meatballs! All right, let's go.
Oh, hold on.
Hey, look, Britney Spears! You lose, princess.
(SPIRITUAL MUSIC PLAYING) Well, I guess the meaning of spaghetti and meatballs has officially changed to "up yours.
" Cheryl, what is going on here? What did you do to the garage? Oh, honey, don't worry.
We're only halfway through the standing exercise.
Grab a mat.
Come on, join in.
A mat? Cheryl, I have band practice here in 20 minutes.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
You're gonna have to find somewhere else to practice because we got here first.
Yeah, I put up a sign-up sheet to avoid any ugliness.
There are still some spots left.
Hey, Jim, there's a 3:00 a.
m.
window.
Should we jump on it? Cheryl, Cheryl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I thought this was over? Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Spaghetti and meatballs! (LAUGHING) Spaghetti and meatballs! You know, if you two guys had a tall, skinny friend, that could be your nickname.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Do you mind? You're ruining our chi.
Cheryl? Yeah.
You're barking at the big dog, now.
Oh, no.
Hell, no! Y'all went up and done it.
Right.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on? Everything's back the way it was.
Oh, yeah.
I was thinking about my chi, which I know is the vital life-force of the body.
And, uh, I think it's a little out of whack.
I don't want to fight anymore.
You win.
"You win"? Jim, are you up to something? Oh, yeah, Cheryl, I'm full of chicanery.
You find that word when you were looking up "chi"? Now, I was thinking about the attic Yeah.
It's nice up there.
I figured maybe I can make the attic my personal space.
Oh! I mean, unless you want to share it with me? No, no.
That's a great idea.
It's all yours.
Just mine? Yeah, yeah.
You know, it will be like your clubhouse.
Yeah.
No girls allowed.
Oh, right.
Whatever you want, sweetie, my gift to you.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
JIM: One, two, three, four.
(BAND PLAYING LOUD MUSIC) Jim? Jim! (MUSIC STOPS PLAYING) JIM: What? Get down here.
Sassy little thing.
Cheryl, you know what? If you have a problem, don't send Danielle Steel up here to do your dirty work.
Hey, Tony, come on down.
Bathroom's open.
Oh, good.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
Danielle Steel.
She speaks to me.
Wait.
You're having band practice in the attic? Yeah, well, I wanted to practice in the garage, but, you know, the sign-up sheet was full.
(CHERYL GROANS) False alarm.
Nice read.
Hey, Jim, what time's the party? (STAMMERING) Wait.
You're having a party? Well, it's just kind of a housewarming.
You know, I mean, good friends, good conversation, fondue.
Fondue? Oh, we're having fondue.
ANDY: We're having fondue! (DRUM ROLL) You are not doing this.
(LAUGHS) Watch me, baby.
Jim! Jim! Get back down here! We're not done arguing yet! JIM: Two, three, four.
(BAND PLAYING BLUES MUSIC) (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) (MUSIC STOPS PLAYING) JIM: Cheryl? Will you please plug it back in? (SIGHS) Cheryl? I can't see anything.
Oh, I see, so now you wanna talk? Cheryl? (TRAPDOOR CREAKING) Cheryl.
Cheryl! (JIM YELLING) Jim! Jim! Oh, Jim! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, honey.
Oh, are you okay? Are you okay? Honey? Honey? Look.
Honey, I know.
I know, baby.
Oh, baby, are you okay? (GROANS) Are you okay? (STAMMERING) Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Are you sure? Let me see.
(PANTING) Yeah.
I'm fine.
Oh! Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Oh! What the hell's the matter with you? Hey, how are you feeling? Oh, I'll live.
Just, uh, for the next 30 or 40 years, you got to do the cooking and the cleaning.
So, this is what you've been fighting for? This is your special place? Yes.
But, honey, all you got up there is a folding chair and your stupid signs.
Cheryl, it's not about what's up there, it's about what's not up there.
What're you talking about? Cheryl, when you were a kid, did you ever have a place that you could go to that was just yours? Yeah.
My dad built me a clubhouse.
It had a chimney and a doorbell, and it had this dining-room set with this china Okay, okay.
Cheryl, Cheryl.
For those of us who weren't millionaires (LAUGHS) You know, we had to improvise, Cheryl.
My uncle, Paul Yeah.
he had this great restaurant.
You know, it was two stories, and I used to go there once in a while, you know.
And he had a dumbwaiter that went, you know, from the first to the second floor, and I was just the right size where I could crawl in the dumbwaiter.
Then I could pull on the rope and I'd go right between the floors.
And right there, there was this crawl space.
And I used to put my candy there, my comics, my little army men Oh! And when I sat there, I could shut out the whole world.
And for that moment, I could just relax and be myself.
Mmm.
I know I'm older now and I'm married and I got responsibilities, but I still need that dumbwaiter.
Yeah.
I still need that place that's just mine.
You gonna be up there all the time? I don't know.
I just need to know that it's there.
Okay, sweetie.
But you know, honey, it's just so empty up there.
I mean, there's a braided rug in the garage No.
What about a table? Now, I can just No.
Honey, maybe I can just No decorating! No making comfy! No You're not even allowed up there.
Don't even look! Okay, sweetie.
Thank you.
I'll call you for dinner.
Okay.
Oh, hey, honey? Yeah? Did you check for spiders? Huh? Well, I'm just thinking, when you fell through the ceiling, you probably disturbed their nest and that really makes them mad.
Uh, I think I'll help you with dinner.
Well, that should do her.
I got every last spider.
Are you sure you got 'em all? Trust me, I took no prisoners.
Great.
Thanks, Andy.
No problem.
JIM: Andy! Why are you making that face? I look fat in this, don't I?