ALF s02e05 Episode Script
Prime Time
With this remote control, You punch in your code numbers.
Then the people log records who is watching what.
From this data, we determine our ratings.
[ Crash .]
Cat.
[ Crash .]
Big cat.
[ Crash .]
Dead cat.
Well, if you have any questions, Just call the office And ask for louie.
I thought your name was ron.
It is.
Is he gone ? Yes, he -- What were you doing in there ? Looking for tomato paste.
I broke a tomato.
What's that ? A hookup for the shopping network ? It's a people log.
We're a thompson family.
You're changing your name to thompson ? I just learned how to spell "tanner.
" We're not changing our name.
This is a thompson people-Log.
It measures what we watch on tv.
Great !Now i'll finally find out who's taller -- Me or michael j.
Fox.
** Every time we watch tv, We have to log in.
Does everybody know their code numbers ? Wrong.
Wrong again.
If you make me guess every number there is, We could be here for hours.
That's not the point.
What kate is trying to say -- I know what kate is trying to say ! I'm an alien; not a foreigner.
If i can't have a number -- Give me a letter.
N.
O.
That's 2 letters.
Try to understand, The operative word in "people log" Is "people.
" One of which, you are Not one.
That's cruel.
Not to mention, poorly constructed grammar.
We just don't think that the ratings people Are interested in Viewers from outer space.
In other words, the operative word in "thompson family" Is "family.
" One of which, i am not Part of This one.
You're one of the family, alf.
Sure -- Like arnold schwarzenegger is one of the kennedys.
Why can't alf have a number.
He watches tv all the time.
The man did say that everyone who watches should log in.
See -- They're on my side.
Maybe alf should have a number.
We do have a responsibility To give them accurate data.
Yeah, and i love pushing these little silver buttons.
Coming up next -- "The macneil- Lehrer report.
" But first -- Weather maps of developing nations.
Why aren't we watching "the love connection" ? We're waiting for the "macneil-Lehrer report.
" Well, la-Dee-Dah.
[ Tv .]
meanwhile in pakistan I thought the popcorn popper was broken.
It is.
I used the curling iron.
I won't ask how you melted the butter.
Hot comb.
I thought the point of this ratings hoo-Hah Was to find out what people really watch.
We really watch macneil & lehrer.
Oh, yeah ? Describe them to me.
Well They wear neckties And they speak in well-Modulated voices.
[ Knock at door .]
yo, tanners, it's me, trevor.
Speaking of "well-Modulated voices" Just a minute, trevor.
Alf, go into the kitchen.
"Go into the kitchen" -- As a woman, you should be sensitive To the demeaning undertones in that remark.
Now ! You're betraying your sisters.
How's it going ? Hi, kate.
Hey -- Is this a thing to steal cable ? Of course not.
We've become a tv-Ratings family.
No kidding ? That figures.
You got 2 adults, You got 2 kids, and your cat.
You've got your average height.
You're the typical american family.
Too bad this rating stuff's a crock.
Why do you say that ? Because the best programs always come in last.
Case in point -- "Polka jamboree.
" It's like a slavic "soul train.
" Here.
Dig -- [ Click .]
** [ polka music .]
Right now, we wanted to check out The rainfall in sri lanka.
Going on a picnic ? No, trevor Was there something you wanted ? Oh yeah.
Could you turn on our sprinklers While we're gone ? We're taking a trip to the "big apple.
" Oh, new york.
No, washington state.
Some farmer up there grew an 80-Pound golden delicious.
We'll be happy to water the yard.
Where's the control ? I don't have one.
I hook up my hose to your spigot.
I should have no problem, then.
I never do.
See you in a month.
Turn on "polka jamboree.
" Why do you want to watch "polka jamboree" ? They're playing "cat barrel polka.
" That's "beer barrel polka.
" They put beer in barrels ? They take the cats out first.
Makes sense.
We're here with nbc president, brandon tartikoff, Talking about the new rating system.
Oh boy.
How will the "people log" system affect ratings ? Research indicates younger viewers will be up; Older viewers will be down.
Females will be down; males will be up.
Daytime down; late-Night up.
Large-Audience shows may find their audiences smaller.
Smaller audience shows will have a larger audience; Relatively speaking.
The most consistent aspect will be The total lack of ratings consistency.
Which, strangely enough, is consistent With an overall inconsistency.
If there's a quiz later, i'm sunk.
Time's up already ? We'd like to thank our guests, Brandon tartikoff, and spuds mackenzie.
We'll see you next week.
[ Commercial .]
we admit it -- We're insane ! We eat spiders, but we're not dangerous ! Then why do they have you in that straight jacket ? So don't be afraid to visit our used-Car emporium -- Hey ! I wanted to watch crazy steve Tear a drumstick off that tarantula.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
What's time to a spider ? Why is the tv in here ? Because i couldn't move the refrigerator out there.
Don't touch that dial.
I love when you're assertive.
Go.
Sleep.
Now.
Can i just ask one bedtime question ? Yeah, what ? I saw "polka jamboree" tonight.
It's really funny.
Why does it get such crummy ratings ? For one thing, It's not supposed to be funny.
What's the other thing ? Nobody watches it.
Next question -- You said one question.
This is the bonus round.
What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad ? It gets cancelled.
[ Gasp .]
You mean "polka jamboree" could be cancelled ? We can only hope.
Good night.
Wait ! If more people watched "polka jamboree," The ratings would go up, right ? Yes, but that would take a miracle.
A miracle, huh ? Just call me the miracle worker.
** [ polka music .]
** ** [ polka music .]
I can't believe you like this show.
It's so corny.
One man's corn is another man's pot roast.
With gravy, and mashed potatoes.
Kate The kitchen is closed, and turn that program off.
Talk about a 1-2 punch.
Should i stop breathing, too ? Let him watch it.
That show is so bad.
It'll be off the air soon, anyway.
Shows what you know.
What does that mean ? It means your previous statement Reflected the sum total of your knowledge on this subject.
Thank you, noah webster.
"Noah" problem.
[ Tv sound .]
Thank you, all my wonderful friends out in polka land.
[ Alf .]
willie, can i have an accordion ?No.
I have an announcement to make -- Our dream at "polka jamboree" has finally come true.
According to the latest thompson ratings, Our show came in #1.
I did it ! I mean Gee, how do you suppose that happened ? ** [ polka music .]
[ click .]
How did you make "polka jamboree" Come in first in the ratings ? Why do you think it was me ? In 9 cases out of 10, it's you.
Maybe this is that 10th case.
Is it ? No.
What have you done ? Remember that night last week, When you told me to rig the ratings.
I never told you to rig to ratings.
You didn't tell me not to.
You rigged the ratings ? Actually, i hastened the inevitable.
"Polka jamboree" was ready to explode.
And you lit the fuse.
I called a few people and asked them to watch.
A few ? Could you ask him ? How many people did you call ? A thousand -- Give or take a thousand.
And you say i use the phone too much.
Don't worry.
I did it during off-Peak hours -- And nothing outside the How considerate.
It's my way of saying i know we're on a budget.
A thousand phone calls.
Give or take a thousand.
Even 2000 people wouldn't increase the ratings that much.
Aha ! Unless they were each given a number, And logged into the rating system.
How did you get the figures into their system ? Aha ! I hooked the ratings box to the transmission on my spaceship.
Then i shifted into "sideways.
" I'm ready to talk about the phone calls, now.
Aha !We're passed that point.
Aha ! No we're not ! Aha.
What you did was illegal.
Like i've been to law school, and would know that.
What you did was wrong.
Do you understand "wrong"? The opposite of right -- Wrong ! Wrong.
Alf, you bad, bad, jerk.
You loveable, huggable, adorable jerk.
But bad, nonetheless.
Mr.
Cosby on line 1.
Hi, bill.
How are you ? Great episode last week when theo lost his comb.
I never, ever thought he'd find it.
The ratings ? Talk about a shock, huh ? Well, we knew we couldn't be #1 forever, right ? By the way, can you play the accordion ? Sorry, just a thought.
You bet i'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
And, bill, thanks for the jello.
[ Buzz .]
Yes, sir ? Send out a memo.
I want to develop "Polka train," "The days and nights of molly polka," And something with maclean stevenson.
Right away.
What are you doing ? We'll work quietly.
Does this go ? Does it have a peacock on it ? Yeah.
Leave it.
How about the name plate on the door ? Take it.
Wait a minute.
This is the guy Who turned down "polka jamboree.
" That's why we're moving him out.
How about the lamp ? No, his new office is too small.
Excuse me.
You have calls waiting from "60 minutes," "the national enquirer," And some guy named alf.
I'll call them back when i get a new extension.
If i get a new extension.
This alf guy says he's responsible for the ratings.
What line ? Oh, it was very nice working for you, sir.
Hello ? Are you the guy in charge ? Uh Talk fast.
This whole thing is my fault.
What ? I didn't want "polka jamboree" cancelled, So i called 1000 people, Give or take a thousand, Then hooked up my transmission to the tv box, And shifted into "sideways.
" This is the "letterman show," isn't it ? No, it's alf.
Listen, as long as you're on the phone, Can i pitch a wacky idea ? Why not ? Ordinary family, living a normal, boring, suburban existence, right ? Yeah.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, This spaceship crashes into their garage, see ? Spaceship ? Yeah, and this loveable, huggable, adorable alien comes out.
Not in a million years.
It's too far-Fetched.
Who chose you as the typical american family ? Computer error.
Had to be.
Where does he get off Saying we're not a typical american family ? Have you looked in a mirror, lately ? Think of me as the son you never had.
Well, son, At least we don't have to worry About "polka jamboree" being #1 anymore.
Shows how much you know.
Enlighten me.
Now ! I started a letter-Writing campaign to save the show.
Incidentally, next time you're at the post office, Pick me up 150 million stamps.
Call number 462 -- springfield, mass.
Guilty.
Call number 463 -- lansing, michigan.
Mea culpa.
Call number 464 -- This is boring ! I'm sorry.
Maybe i should sing them to you.
Maybe that would be more entertaining.
Yeah.
I love the way your voice cracks on the high notes.
I'm doing this to make a point.
When you've done something really bad, It's important that you learn from it.
Maybe next time you'll use better judgement.
Won't that be nice ! Yeah, real nice.
Go back to the phone bill.
Call number 464 -- bristol, conn.
Call number -- Call number 465 -- portsmouth, virginia Call number 466 -- paola, kansas.
Call number 467 -- Closed-Captioned by by alien productions all rights reserved
Then the people log records who is watching what.
From this data, we determine our ratings.
[ Crash .]
Cat.
[ Crash .]
Big cat.
[ Crash .]
Dead cat.
Well, if you have any questions, Just call the office And ask for louie.
I thought your name was ron.
It is.
Is he gone ? Yes, he -- What were you doing in there ? Looking for tomato paste.
I broke a tomato.
What's that ? A hookup for the shopping network ? It's a people log.
We're a thompson family.
You're changing your name to thompson ? I just learned how to spell "tanner.
" We're not changing our name.
This is a thompson people-Log.
It measures what we watch on tv.
Great !Now i'll finally find out who's taller -- Me or michael j.
Fox.
** Every time we watch tv, We have to log in.
Does everybody know their code numbers ? Wrong.
Wrong again.
If you make me guess every number there is, We could be here for hours.
That's not the point.
What kate is trying to say -- I know what kate is trying to say ! I'm an alien; not a foreigner.
If i can't have a number -- Give me a letter.
N.
O.
That's 2 letters.
Try to understand, The operative word in "people log" Is "people.
" One of which, you are Not one.
That's cruel.
Not to mention, poorly constructed grammar.
We just don't think that the ratings people Are interested in Viewers from outer space.
In other words, the operative word in "thompson family" Is "family.
" One of which, i am not Part of This one.
You're one of the family, alf.
Sure -- Like arnold schwarzenegger is one of the kennedys.
Why can't alf have a number.
He watches tv all the time.
The man did say that everyone who watches should log in.
See -- They're on my side.
Maybe alf should have a number.
We do have a responsibility To give them accurate data.
Yeah, and i love pushing these little silver buttons.
Coming up next -- "The macneil- Lehrer report.
" But first -- Weather maps of developing nations.
Why aren't we watching "the love connection" ? We're waiting for the "macneil-Lehrer report.
" Well, la-Dee-Dah.
[ Tv .]
meanwhile in pakistan I thought the popcorn popper was broken.
It is.
I used the curling iron.
I won't ask how you melted the butter.
Hot comb.
I thought the point of this ratings hoo-Hah Was to find out what people really watch.
We really watch macneil & lehrer.
Oh, yeah ? Describe them to me.
Well They wear neckties And they speak in well-Modulated voices.
[ Knock at door .]
yo, tanners, it's me, trevor.
Speaking of "well-Modulated voices" Just a minute, trevor.
Alf, go into the kitchen.
"Go into the kitchen" -- As a woman, you should be sensitive To the demeaning undertones in that remark.
Now ! You're betraying your sisters.
How's it going ? Hi, kate.
Hey -- Is this a thing to steal cable ? Of course not.
We've become a tv-Ratings family.
No kidding ? That figures.
You got 2 adults, You got 2 kids, and your cat.
You've got your average height.
You're the typical american family.
Too bad this rating stuff's a crock.
Why do you say that ? Because the best programs always come in last.
Case in point -- "Polka jamboree.
" It's like a slavic "soul train.
" Here.
Dig -- [ Click .]
** [ polka music .]
Right now, we wanted to check out The rainfall in sri lanka.
Going on a picnic ? No, trevor Was there something you wanted ? Oh yeah.
Could you turn on our sprinklers While we're gone ? We're taking a trip to the "big apple.
" Oh, new york.
No, washington state.
Some farmer up there grew an 80-Pound golden delicious.
We'll be happy to water the yard.
Where's the control ? I don't have one.
I hook up my hose to your spigot.
I should have no problem, then.
I never do.
See you in a month.
Turn on "polka jamboree.
" Why do you want to watch "polka jamboree" ? They're playing "cat barrel polka.
" That's "beer barrel polka.
" They put beer in barrels ? They take the cats out first.
Makes sense.
We're here with nbc president, brandon tartikoff, Talking about the new rating system.
Oh boy.
How will the "people log" system affect ratings ? Research indicates younger viewers will be up; Older viewers will be down.
Females will be down; males will be up.
Daytime down; late-Night up.
Large-Audience shows may find their audiences smaller.
Smaller audience shows will have a larger audience; Relatively speaking.
The most consistent aspect will be The total lack of ratings consistency.
Which, strangely enough, is consistent With an overall inconsistency.
If there's a quiz later, i'm sunk.
Time's up already ? We'd like to thank our guests, Brandon tartikoff, and spuds mackenzie.
We'll see you next week.
[ Commercial .]
we admit it -- We're insane ! We eat spiders, but we're not dangerous ! Then why do they have you in that straight jacket ? So don't be afraid to visit our used-Car emporium -- Hey ! I wanted to watch crazy steve Tear a drumstick off that tarantula.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
What's time to a spider ? Why is the tv in here ? Because i couldn't move the refrigerator out there.
Don't touch that dial.
I love when you're assertive.
Go.
Sleep.
Now.
Can i just ask one bedtime question ? Yeah, what ? I saw "polka jamboree" tonight.
It's really funny.
Why does it get such crummy ratings ? For one thing, It's not supposed to be funny.
What's the other thing ? Nobody watches it.
Next question -- You said one question.
This is the bonus round.
What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad ? It gets cancelled.
[ Gasp .]
You mean "polka jamboree" could be cancelled ? We can only hope.
Good night.
Wait ! If more people watched "polka jamboree," The ratings would go up, right ? Yes, but that would take a miracle.
A miracle, huh ? Just call me the miracle worker.
** [ polka music .]
** ** [ polka music .]
I can't believe you like this show.
It's so corny.
One man's corn is another man's pot roast.
With gravy, and mashed potatoes.
Kate The kitchen is closed, and turn that program off.
Talk about a 1-2 punch.
Should i stop breathing, too ? Let him watch it.
That show is so bad.
It'll be off the air soon, anyway.
Shows what you know.
What does that mean ? It means your previous statement Reflected the sum total of your knowledge on this subject.
Thank you, noah webster.
"Noah" problem.
[ Tv sound .]
Thank you, all my wonderful friends out in polka land.
[ Alf .]
willie, can i have an accordion ?No.
I have an announcement to make -- Our dream at "polka jamboree" has finally come true.
According to the latest thompson ratings, Our show came in #1.
I did it ! I mean Gee, how do you suppose that happened ? ** [ polka music .]
[ click .]
How did you make "polka jamboree" Come in first in the ratings ? Why do you think it was me ? In 9 cases out of 10, it's you.
Maybe this is that 10th case.
Is it ? No.
What have you done ? Remember that night last week, When you told me to rig the ratings.
I never told you to rig to ratings.
You didn't tell me not to.
You rigged the ratings ? Actually, i hastened the inevitable.
"Polka jamboree" was ready to explode.
And you lit the fuse.
I called a few people and asked them to watch.
A few ? Could you ask him ? How many people did you call ? A thousand -- Give or take a thousand.
And you say i use the phone too much.
Don't worry.
I did it during off-Peak hours -- And nothing outside the How considerate.
It's my way of saying i know we're on a budget.
A thousand phone calls.
Give or take a thousand.
Even 2000 people wouldn't increase the ratings that much.
Aha ! Unless they were each given a number, And logged into the rating system.
How did you get the figures into their system ? Aha ! I hooked the ratings box to the transmission on my spaceship.
Then i shifted into "sideways.
" I'm ready to talk about the phone calls, now.
Aha !We're passed that point.
Aha ! No we're not ! Aha.
What you did was illegal.
Like i've been to law school, and would know that.
What you did was wrong.
Do you understand "wrong"? The opposite of right -- Wrong ! Wrong.
Alf, you bad, bad, jerk.
You loveable, huggable, adorable jerk.
But bad, nonetheless.
Mr.
Cosby on line 1.
Hi, bill.
How are you ? Great episode last week when theo lost his comb.
I never, ever thought he'd find it.
The ratings ? Talk about a shock, huh ? Well, we knew we couldn't be #1 forever, right ? By the way, can you play the accordion ? Sorry, just a thought.
You bet i'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
And, bill, thanks for the jello.
[ Buzz .]
Yes, sir ? Send out a memo.
I want to develop "Polka train," "The days and nights of molly polka," And something with maclean stevenson.
Right away.
What are you doing ? We'll work quietly.
Does this go ? Does it have a peacock on it ? Yeah.
Leave it.
How about the name plate on the door ? Take it.
Wait a minute.
This is the guy Who turned down "polka jamboree.
" That's why we're moving him out.
How about the lamp ? No, his new office is too small.
Excuse me.
You have calls waiting from "60 minutes," "the national enquirer," And some guy named alf.
I'll call them back when i get a new extension.
If i get a new extension.
This alf guy says he's responsible for the ratings.
What line ? Oh, it was very nice working for you, sir.
Hello ? Are you the guy in charge ? Uh Talk fast.
This whole thing is my fault.
What ? I didn't want "polka jamboree" cancelled, So i called 1000 people, Give or take a thousand, Then hooked up my transmission to the tv box, And shifted into "sideways.
" This is the "letterman show," isn't it ? No, it's alf.
Listen, as long as you're on the phone, Can i pitch a wacky idea ? Why not ? Ordinary family, living a normal, boring, suburban existence, right ? Yeah.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, This spaceship crashes into their garage, see ? Spaceship ? Yeah, and this loveable, huggable, adorable alien comes out.
Not in a million years.
It's too far-Fetched.
Who chose you as the typical american family ? Computer error.
Had to be.
Where does he get off Saying we're not a typical american family ? Have you looked in a mirror, lately ? Think of me as the son you never had.
Well, son, At least we don't have to worry About "polka jamboree" being #1 anymore.
Shows how much you know.
Enlighten me.
Now ! I started a letter-Writing campaign to save the show.
Incidentally, next time you're at the post office, Pick me up 150 million stamps.
Call number 462 -- springfield, mass.
Guilty.
Call number 463 -- lansing, michigan.
Mea culpa.
Call number 464 -- This is boring ! I'm sorry.
Maybe i should sing them to you.
Maybe that would be more entertaining.
Yeah.
I love the way your voice cracks on the high notes.
I'm doing this to make a point.
When you've done something really bad, It's important that you learn from it.
Maybe next time you'll use better judgement.
Won't that be nice ! Yeah, real nice.
Go back to the phone bill.
Call number 464 -- bristol, conn.
Call number -- Call number 465 -- portsmouth, virginia Call number 466 -- paola, kansas.
Call number 467 -- Closed-Captioned by by alien productions all rights reserved