All In The Family s02e05 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days gee, ma, that's lovely.
Really, Michael and I can't thank you enough.
Well, how often does my only daughter Celebrate her first wedding anniversary? Just think, Archie.
Gloria and Mike have been with us as man and wife for one whole year.
Ain't that wonderful? It's like celebrating your 365th day of a toothache.
Where is the meathead anyhow? He ought to be here with the food any minute.
Daddy, will you please stop calling him names? Tonight means something to Michael and me, so why don't you just join in the spirit of the celebration? Yeah, it's their first anniversary.
That's the paper anniversary, ain't it? Yeah.
Well, I'm right in the spirit then.
I'm reading the paper.
Here's the food.
Oh, hi, Michael.
Happy anniversary.
Edith, tell them to cut that out and bring the food over.
All right, Archie.
Okay, everybody, let's eat.
I'll get some nice bowls.
Never mind the bowls, Edith.
Just dish it out.
It's getting cold in the bag.
We got subgum chow mein.
We got sweet and sour pork, some fried rice, some egg rolls, and what else? We got some egg foo Yung.
Smells good.
Let me fix your plate, Archie.
I got my own plate, and I'm fixing it myself.
Where's the sweet and sour? Right over there.
The best way to eat this Is for everybody to taste a little of everything.
That's your way, Edith.
It ain't mine.
Daddy, you're hogging the rice.
Here it is.
Why don't you eat, Archie? 'Cause I ain't got a fork, Edith.
The kids thought since it's a special occasion and it's Chinese food, we'll all use chopsticks.
I don't care if it's chinks.
I want a fork.
- Archie, it's Chinese food.
- That's what I said-- chinks.
And I ain't knocking the Chinese people by saying that.
It's just how I and everybody I know calls their food.
And their laundries.
Will you stay out of this, huh? That's what you call 'em.
Will you stifle yourself? Just the other day, you told me to take your shirts to the chinky laundry.
I don't care what I told you.
I'm telling you now, I can't eat the food with these chink pickup sticks, so get me a fork.
Right away, Archie.
Gee, Archie.
How can you talk like that? With one word, you're putting away an entire race of people.
Yeah, that's right.
And not just the Chinese.
The Laotians, the Cambodians, the vietnamese, the Koreans-- hold it there, meathead.
I never called them countries chinks.
No.
He calls them gooks.
You said they're all your yellow race.
They ain't exactly chinks, but they're definitely offshoots of your chinks.
They're what you call chinkish.
Enough's enough.
I asked you not to upset Michael and I.
- What am I doing? - Why shouldn't he upset me? Why is tonight any different? Nothing's changed.
I've been putting up with the same bull ever since the first time I met him.
Don't remind me of that, meathead, because that night is stamped "inedibly" on my heart, along with other fond memories of the past Like pearl harbor and the crash of the hindenburg.
I'll never forget that night either.
Gloria was so cute and excited, running around, and all because Mike was coming to dinner for the first time.
Ma.
Ma.
I looked all over and I can't find the linen napkins.
They're ought to be right there in that cabinet.
- I looked and they're not here.
- That's funny.
They were there when I took 'em out a minute ago.
Gloria, here they are.
Thanks, ma.
Gee, they're beautiful.
Linen napkins.
Should I bring the crabmeat cocktail out now or wait till later? Let's wait till he comes.
Crabmeat cocktails.
I better check the oven.
We don't wanna overcook the roast duckling.
Roast duckling.
Come on, Edith.
What is this? Daddy, would you please put on this tie? No, I won't put on no tie.
What's going on around here? What are youse doing? Linens napkins, when all I ever get is paper towels.
Crabmeat cocktails, whereas the best I usually get is the canned fruit cup With the fruit cut up so small, it looks like somebody ate it before.
What's this roast duckling? The last time your mother made roast duckling for me was never.
Now you're telling me to put on a tie.
What is it? Who we entertaining here? The count of monte "crisco"? Daddy, you're jealous.
No, I ain't jealous.
I'm your father.
What are you talking about? I just wanna know why we're putting on all this doll, that's all.
For one of them losers of yours? Like that little shrimpy guy with the no chin, used to have all them nosebleeds? Arnold derosa.
Daddy, we were Don't make no difference.
You was always picking losers, always, and I got a feeling from the fuss you're making now That this guy tonight is gonna be the biggest loser of them all.
How can you say that, daddy? You haven't even met him yet.
I don't wanna meet him.
What do you think of that? You're not just fair.
Ma! Ma.
What is it, Gloria? I got a feeling daddy's gonna ruin everything tonight.
I just know it.
What do I do? You really like this boy, don't you? Well, yeah.
A lot? Yeah.
Would the word l-o-v-e describe it? Yeah.
Gloria, that's wonderful.
Does Michael have a firm handshake? Huh? Your father likes a man to have a firm handshake.
He says it's a sign of character.
Ma, that's ridiculous.
No, it's true.
I remember one time when your father had a terrible toothache, so I took him to the mcnab's dentist, Dr.
Marshall Herman.
And your father said that shaking hands with him Was like shaking hands with a wet washcloth, and he wouldn't let no limp wrist inside his mouth.
You know what he called that dentist? - What, ma? - He called him the tooth fairy.
So, you see, if Michael has a firm handshake, you got nothing to worry about.
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, ma, he's here.
Yeah.
Do I look all right? You look lovely.
Archie, please be nice to this boy.
It's very im-- Edith, I'm always nice.
Go let the jerk in.
Daddy, please.
And, please, the tie.
Yeah, Archie.
Here.
Put the tie on.
Cut that out, Edith.
What do I have to wear this for? [ Rings .]
Coming! Michael, where's your tie? Well, I tried, Gloria, but it doesn't look good with an empty neck.
Look, Edith, he wore his Halloween costume.
Put a tie on me.
Get rid of this thing here.
Come on over here and meet my parents.
Ma, daddy, this is Michael stivic.
Michael, this is my mother, Mrs.
bunker.
- Hi.
How are you? - How do you do? And my father, Mr.
bunker.
Daddy, this is Michael stivic.
- Michael-- - all right, Gloria, we done that.
I think we all know who everybody is now.
I knew everybody before.
Except Mr.
stivic.
So, uh, you're Mr.
bunker.
You figured that out, huh? Michael, shake his hand hard.
Daddy likes that.
Shake his hand, Archie.
Be nice.
Go ahead.
Oh! Come on.
All right, put 'er there.
Ow! What the hell kind of an animal she bringing in here? He has a lot of character.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm-mm-mm.
Why don't you two sit down and get better acquainted While Gloria and me finishing preparing the dinner.
That's some nice tie your guest is wearing there.
Come on, Gloria.
How would you like to try this here chair? 'Cause that one's mine.
Sorry.
What kind of a name is stivic? Huh? Where you from? Oh.
Uh, Chicago.
I mean, what's your nationality? I'm an American.
I mean, where are your people from? They're from Poland.
That would make you Polish then, huh? Yeah.
Anything interesting in the paper? Yeah.
Two hundred arrested at a Vietnam day peace demonstration.
Two hundred.
They should've thrown the whole bunch of them in the can.
Look at that picture there.
Here they are.
Throwing all kinds of junk and "deebris" at officers of the law.
Desecrating on the American flag.
What the hell do them peaceniks want anyhow? Well, I think they just don't like the idea Of America fighting an illegal and immoral war.
Well, if they don't like it, they can lump it.
Take it down the road and dump it.
You're saying, "America, love it or leave it"? That's right.
It's a free country, so amscray.
Well, that would include me too, Mr.
bunker.
Then toodle-oo to you too.
What would our leaving solve? With or without protests, this country would still have the same problems.
What problems? The war, the racial problem, the economic problem, the pollution problem.
Come on.
If you wanna nitpick-- nitpick? Let me tell you something, Mr.
bunker.
Let me tell you something, Mr.
stivic.
You are a meathead.
- What did you call me? - A meathead.
Dead from the neck up.
Meathead.
Yeah, now I see what your idea of a free country is.
You're free to say anything you want, but if anyone disagrees with you, they're thrown into jail or called a meathead, right? That's right, 'cause this is America, land that I love.
I love it too, and it's because I do, I protest when I think things are wrong.
Then stand beside her And guide her The right to dissent is the principle upon which this country is based.
Through the night with the light from above.
It's in the bill of rights.
From the mountains to the prairies, why do you think we broke away from england in the first place? To the oceans, white with foam.
We demanded freedom.
It's guys like you who don't listen to reason.
God bless America, you're not listening to anything.
You dumb polack, you're prejudice! You're prejudice! My home sweet home.
I'm leaving! God bless America you're prejudice! Archie! Get away from me.
My home sweet home you were wrong.
Why can't you just admit it? The one thing I don't remember about that night Is how you got back into this house after I threw you out.
Will you stop fooling around and get yourself a fork? Archie, you never threw me out.
I walked out.
That's right.
He went down to the corner drugstore And phoned me I don't know how many times.
Every time I phoned, he hung up on me, saying it was the wrong number.
[ Ringing .]
Wrong number.
That was the third wrong number in the last 10 minutes.
It's Michael, isn't it? What do you want with that guy, Gloria? He's a loser.
Forget him.
I wanna marry that loser.
- You what? - You heard me.
No.
Are you kidding me? A girl waits around all her life for Mr.
right to come along, and now she settles for Mr.
wrong-ski.
I'm gonna marry him, daddy, no matter what you say about him.
You can do anything you want to try to stop me.
[ Phone rings .]
That's for me.
I'll get that.
Michael, darling, I love you.
I'm sorry about what happened between you and daddy, and I'm sorry you haven't been able to get through to me, and I'm sorry That I called you "sweetheart," Mr.
kelsey.
Yes, I'll tell him.
Okay.
Yeah.
Good-bye.
I knew that wasn't for you.
That was kelsey down at the bar, right? Yes.
He's coming over Friday to watch the fights with you and me like always.
Right, daddy.
Now, listen-- it's gonna be some fight Friday night.
Raphael Salazar versus gaspar ruiz.
With a couple of names like that, the tackle meat's really gonna fly.
Daddy, I'm trying to tell you something about Michael and me.
You know what makes them mexi-canos such great scrappers in the ring? It's from growing up They got to fight over the one bowl of refried beans.
Hey, put 'em up.
See if you remember anything I taught you with your Dukes, huh? Come on.
Put 'em up.
Daddy, cut that out.
Daddy, don't.
Look out.
Stop it.
Daddy, I'm too old for this now.
I'm not your little girl anymore.
Don't you never tell me that.
There's another man in my life.
Whether you wanna hear it or not, I love Michael, and I'm gonna marry him, even though he may never wish to set foot in this house again.
I don't wanna see him in this house no more.
Whenever anyone used to ask me what kind of a guy I wanted my daughter to marry, I always said I don't care, as long as she loves him and he's white.
I'm adding a third condition.
He can't be that stivic guy.
Case is closed.
Ma! Ma! What it is, Gloria? How could everything go so wrong? Easy.
But life goes in circles, and when things get wrong enough, then they start getting right again.
I don't believe that, ma.
Okay, but I'm still basting the duck, 'cause if it's true, I figure Mike will be back.
[ Doorbell rings .]
He's back.
You were right, ma.
Dry your eyes.
Oh, yeah.
Baste.
Baste.
I thought there was somebody at the door.
It's Michael out there, isn't it? There's a beard out there with a nobody under it.
Ma! Michael! Gloria, I tried calling, but he kept hanging up on me.
Now that you're here, you're coming in, aren't you? No, I'm not coming in.
He just slammed the door in my face.
Michael, don't go.
Archie, please let him come back in.
He's really a very nice boy.
Nice boy? What do you mean nice boy? After he done what he done.
He coming in here And making suppository remarks about his country.
Then on top of that, he's calling me prejudice.
Prejudice.
While I'm singing "God bless America," written by a well-known, highly respectable Jewish guy, Milton Berlin.
He's the kind of guy Who thinks that patriotism is waving flags around and singing songs Like "I'm a yankee doodle dandy.
" Written by George m.
Cohan, another one of your decent hebes we're proud of.
I don't have to stand for that.
Michael, no.
You stay.
Archie, he's leaving.
If you let him leave, I'll-I'll-I'll-- I'll-I'll-I'll what? - I'll do something terrible.
- Like what? I have to think about it.
But I will! I can't talk to you now.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I got to go.
Mike, please stay.
Archie, please, ask him back in.
That nice dinner is gonna go to waste.
No, it won't, Edith.
We can eat it.
Archie, please.
Do it for me.
No.
No.
Archie, I never ask for much.
Please.
For me? All right, Edith.
Let him in, Gloria, but just for dinner.
You give him one plate of that duck and then throw him out.
Thank you, Archie.
Michael, just come in and sit down and have a nice dinner.
All right.
I'll have dinner.
But I don't wanna talk to him.
Tell him it'll be my pleasure.
Sit right down there and we'll go get the dinner.
Stay right there.
We'll be right back.
Now, we're gonna start with a nice crabmeat cocktail.
Then we're gonna have a delicious roast duckling that Gloria helped me cook.
- Oh, ma.
- Now, start right in.
Don't wait for us.
Well, um, daddy, Michael's a big baseball fan.
He follows the mets like you.
- Is that so? - He says the mets are gonna win the pennant this year.
The mets ain't gonna win no pennant for ten, twenty years, if then.
- Remember where you heard that.
- I don't know.
They got great pitching.
They got koosman and seaver and a fantastic bench And that great platoon system of gil Hodges.
You know something about baseball, huh? - Yeah.
I really love the game.
- Well, so do I.
I bet you seen a lot of the great ones, huh? Yeah.
Seen 'em all.
Ruth, gehrig, hubbell.
All of them.
Way before your time, of course.
Yeah, the game's changed a lot since them days.
Live ball.
Live ball, the expansion clubs.
Then, of course, the biggest change of all-- 1947.
Yeah.
That was the year they let Jackie Robinson into the majors.
Changed the whole complexion of the game.
In more ways than one.
What do you mean by that? We're about ready for the duck now.
Wait a second.
What do you mean by that? It threw the whole game out of balance, letting Robinson in.
You're saying that the inferior black race Should not be given a chance alongside the superior white race? Hold it, Mr.
liberal meathead.
I never said nothing about your inferior black race.
If you just let me finish.
- Daddy.
- Just the opposite, if you let me finish.
All I'm saying is, your coloreds is, as is well-known-- they run faster, they jump higher, they don't bruise so easy.
And because of their jungle heritage, they see better.
- It's great for night games.
- You know something, Mr.
bunker? At first I thought I misjudged you.
And I was right.
I did misjudge you.
You're a lot more ignorant than I thought.
You hear what he called me? Ignorant.
Well, let me tell you something.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb polack.
That does it.
That does it.
I don't care what we talked about.
There's no way I can spend four years in this house with this man.
What did I just hear? If you're gonna continue school after we get married, you're gonna have to live here.
What did I just hear? You're gonna get married and live with us? I know that's what we planned, but if I spend four years with him, I'm gonna go nuts.
Tell me what I just heard.
Michael, I just don't see it any other way.
What the hell is going on here? They're gonna get married and live with us.
And what am I supposed to do, join the Navy? Archie, you know how you've always prayed for a son.
Well, now your prayer has been answered.
The good lord must have heard you.
In 49 years he answers one prayer, and this is it? Oh, no! [ All arguing .]
Happy anniversary.
Thanks, ma.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Ah, geez.
Ain't that sweet, Archie? Come on, Edith.
Cut the cake.
Oh, I can't.
They got to blow out the candle first.
What did you do that for? It's our cake.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.