Ally Mcbeal s02e05 Episode Script

Excuse me.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I'm okay.
Sometimes I'm so okay I have to sit and cry about it let some of the joy out.
I was just being concerned.
Thank you.
Maybe I could help.
You've already done more than enough.
Really.
If you're gonna sit on a sidewalk and cry you have to expect people to stop to help.
You shouldn't be rude.
I'm crying because I just came from the doctor.
He diagnosed me with acute courtesy disorder which causes a compulsion to be impolite.
So I'm sorry if I upset you.
Bitch! You made that up.
There's no such thing.
If you could just please leave me alone, okay? Sorry, I dropped my bag.
Could you get it? Sure.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Get up.
It's your turn.
Could I play? Officer.
How's it going? Story of Love This way.
- You're back.
- And I have my stationery.
- What now? - She assaulted me.
Let's go.
- I'm afraid of her.
- The same cell? Come on.
Let's go.
This is untenable.
- What do you mean? - She wasn't clear.
She helped someone in distress and then kicked her.
What? Settle.
Upcoming regionals.
The stair compulsories.
- John.
- Competition is Saturday.
- He's here all week? - He won't interfere.
- Hey, John.
- Nelle.
Stefan, Nelle.
Good God, Stefan! - Is he hurt? - How could you? I'm sorry.
- He's gross.
- You could've killed him.
- He went at me.
- His heart's racing.
- I'll check myself for warts.
- Give him to me.
- My father's a vet.
- Why does he have a frog? Hey, buddy.
Oh, there you go.
Seems okay.
What happened? - She tried to kill him.
- Did not.
- I saw you.
- He scared me.
He's fine.
- May I see him? - White's Tree Frog? You cracked a rib.
It hurts to breathe.
Yeah? Well, tough fracture.
I mean break.
Can a bruised rib get you out of a court date? You look like you'd know.
Got a record? No.
Maybe a little one.
Why do you have to go to court? I'm being sued and my lawyer dropped me.
They won't try you without counsel.
What are you being sued for? - Assault.
- Who was it? My best friend, or she was until she slept with my boyfriend.
She did that and she's suing you? I picked her up and sort of threw her.
Well, well, well.
I stopped to be a good Samaritan.
- She has a history of violence.
- Oh, tell the world.
- You both can go.
- We can? Unless you wanna arrest each other.
We don't.
- Do we? - No.
Well, let's go.
I'm a lawyer.
- Do you want me to represent you? - What? I could at least get you a continuance if you agree not to sue me.
Are you any good? Are you surprising me by taking me out to lunch? - It's 9:30.
- Lunch would surprise me then.
I'm quitting the magazine, like we talked about, and starting my own.
Excellent.
I need to file corporation papers.
I thought Ally could handle it.
Great.
Richard or Nelle are better in corporate.
Ally's a litigator.
Oh.
So I should talk to them? I'll make an appointment for you.
Great.
I'll talk to you later.
Sure.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Oh, wait.
Here, let me.
- I have to watch where I'm going.
- Actually, I'm here to see you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm starting a corporation for my new magazine.
- Do you do corporate work? - Me? Sure.
Elaine thought Richard or Nelle.
Oh, well, they do specialize in it more than me.
- It was great to see you again.
- Oh, you too.
Actually, since you were my lawyer before, I think I'd feel more comfortable- If you think you can do it.
Sure.
No problem.
- Should I set up an appointment? - Yeah, an appointment.
How about the end of the day? - Great.
Six? - Great.
Nice running into you.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
I'm sorry.
- They just- - Did you want something? Just to apologize Did you know he's on your head? It's a place of comfort to him.
I'm sorry I rattled him.
I know this competition is important to you.
Your Honor, we would like a month- It's her fourth continuance.
The case is marked "no further continuances.
" But she has no counsel.
- She has you.
- I just got the case.
She got dumped by her lawyer.
- She fired her lawyer.
- What? Just like she fired the others, all on the eve of the trial in order to get another continuance.
Given that my client has not been truthful with me I'll withdraw as counsel.
T oo late.
We start tomorrow.
You are her lawyer.
You can't make me.
The bad news for you is, I can.
The good news, dress however you like.
T en o'clock.
Adjourned.
I didn't lie.
I just didn't volunteer information.
- Don't take it out on me.
- Part of your job is to support me.
I gotta be ready for a damn trial in 12 hours.
So you're unprepared.
People won't notice.
- Excuse me? - I meant it in a good way.
You're so great off the cuff.
Hello? George.
Hi.
Twice today.
To what do I owe? I'm here to get my corporation started.
Ally's doing it? I just figured I'd be more comfortable Well, it makes sense.
I'm suddenly in trial tomorrow, and I don't have much time.
Elaine, could you hold my calls? Sure.
So, you need to choose your officers.
You may want a partnership instead of a corporation.
There are tax consequences, plus you can be shielded from liability.
Do you wanna think about it or do you-? - What? - I don't care about all this.
I mean, I thought I did.
I do, but- I'm just trying to invent a reason to be with you.
I cannot stop thinking about you.
We shouldn't be talking about this.
Well, I kind of got this sense that you- I send out a lot of senses.
But- You're Elaine's boyfriend.
End of story.
Elaine and I are not exclusive.
I date different- Ah, you juggle.
I date.
And until I meet the right one, which- I'm in trial tomorrow and I- I really- Okay.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I mean - I'm flattered.
- Yeah.
But- Could you close it? Sure.
I'm working behind the bar.
I look up, there's Hannah.
Her.
- The defendant? - Yes.
I thought she was there for her shift.
Then, suddenly, she grabs me by the hair.
Then, she knocks me down.
She's calling me garbage.
And then she's coming towards me and she says: "Time to take out the garbage.
" And she's carrying me to this big garbage canister and she just drops me in.
It was the most humiliating moment of my life.
Were you minding your own business when you started dating Joel? Well, yes, because my personal life is my own business.
- You knew that she was dating him? - Yes.
Hannah had told you many times that she was in love with him, right? Yes, but she falls in love a lot.
I'm not a lawyer, I admit.
But is she allowed to just lie? Knowing Hannah Puck was falling in love with him you begin to date Joel? - In my mind- - I don't need you to explain.
I just want a yes or a no.
Yes.
Your good friend tells you that she's falling in love with a guy she's seeing, and then you begin to date him.
I had fallen in love too.
I see.
And tell me, this trash can she threw you in, did it fit? - Objection! - Oh, withdrawn.
Nothing further.
- Are you in love? - We haven't had sex.
- Ling.
- You have to have sex first? - Yes.
- Why? Men love any woman they wanna sleep with.
It's the admission ticket.
- God! - What? John's frog.
Why is he always in here? He escapes.
That's John's seat.
He probably likes the scent.
He shouldn't be hopping here.
Come here, big guy.
- Great.
Get him.
- I'm not doing it.
- I'm senior partner.
Georgia- - Forget it.
I like a fresh bowl.
- What? - Richard has something to tell you.
What? I just wanna say good luck on the competition.
We're all rooting for you.
Thank you.
- You didn't tell him? - No.
It's not something you can spring.
"Hey, John, seen your frog? " - What will we do? - Let him be missing.
John will start to panic, think the worst then when he finds out, it won't be a shock.
- That is- - You tell! - You chased him in! - Look! We have to tell.
It's the only decent thing to do.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
You startled me.
Stefan has escaped again.
Anyone seen him? - No.
- I haven't.
Me either.
Damn.
Nice going, Mr.
Decent.
You've known John the longest.
You were nearest when the frog jumped.
You need to convince the jury, Hannah.
- T estify? - Speak from the heart.
You have one? You know, you remind me of me.
Thanks for helping.
- I'm sure you were once a nice person.
- I was.
- Meet me here tomorrow at 10:00.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- That was close.
You're flexible.
You could do my wiggle walk.
- Listen, George- - I know.
I came to apologize.
Over a cup of coffee? I know I put you in an awkward situation.
But under the heading of "Life is too short" I got a hit the first time I laid eyes on you.
The best laid eyes can end in disaster.
Elaine- I know, but the fact that you' re also admirable doesn't help.
It was a treat.
Me too.
George Could you go doing your wiggle walk? Excuse me.
I think letting you just walk off could haunt me.
The image will wash away easier- You want me to wiggle walk on the street? - You said you were a fan of "silly.
" - I did? And that it makes you feel better when you're sad.
Did I say I was sad? Maybe it's me who's sad.
No no no no Nobody can do the- - What are you doing? - Oh, you don't know.
I have to do the walk to this song.
Since I don't have a stereo I hear the songs in my head.
That's ridiculous.
Nobody hears music in their heads.
I'm gonna have to get another lawyer to handle my corporate work.
Okay.
- Bye, George.
- Yeah.
See you.
Frog call? Something's wrong.
Even when he wanders, he comes back quickly.
He's not coming back, John.
He was on your toilet seat again.
I went to catch him.
He jumped into the bowl right when you came in, hitting your automatic flusher.
I should have told you then, but I- We were thinking there'd be some way to soften it.
There isn't.
You know, I wish- - I'm sorry.
- Sure he didn't get out? - Positive.
- Could you excuse me? John, hey- I'd like to be alone, Richard.
Sure, yeah.
Richard? What's wrong? John's frog.
He was accidentally killed.
- What can we do? - You could have saved the frog.
- You scared him into the bowl.
- All right.
- You admit, this was an overreaction.
- I was betrayed.
By Ms.
Payne.
And Joel.
I was in love with him.
When he broke it off with me, the only person I could turn to was Laura.
She was my closest friend.
And then I find out that she was- So you accosted her.
I lost myself.
For me to be able to lift her, I had to be on an adrenaline explosion.
She weighs 25 pounds more than me.
Objection! My client would like to have that stricken.
- Did you try to hurt her? - No.
I still care for her.
It was more about acting out my own hurt, you know? I just couldn't believe that she would- - I can't bring myself to say it.
- Steal your lover? - Objection! - Sustained! I'm trying to forgive her.
I'm surprised she can't see her way toward forgiving me.
- That's all, Your Honor.
- Ms.
Puck.
Objection! Where did he come from? - He filed an appearance.
- They hid him! - Objection! - You can't do that! - Ms.
McBeal? - Who else is there? Ms.
McBeal! Proceed, counsel.
Ms.
Puck, when you first met your lawyer you attacked her with your bag? We had a misunderstanding.
And what happened next? - She kicked me.
- Objection.
- She kicked me too, Your Honor.
- Objection! Get up to the bench, now! I don't know what's going on here- - Is he down there? - Yes.
Your Honor, they're trying to undermine my credibility- - Did you kick him? - I thought he was a baby.
Mr.
Koolie.
Would you please keep your focus on the witness? - Yes, Your Honor.
- Step back.
Put me down.
Put me down.
Thank you.
- Why bring a midget? - He's 10, a genius.
They brought him in to make us look like bullies.
- Why did you kick him? - It's a long story.
Look, here he comes.
Oren, I'm surprised.
You're being exploited for your size.
- Gotta make a living.
- You're 10.
$55,000.
We walk away.
Not a chance.
I'll be back.
Cute little guy.
He must have really sailed when you kicked him.
What's that? His remote flusher.
He crushed it.
It was on his desk.
- Where's John? - I don't know.
Richard, we have to do something.
He was so close to that frog.
Richard? Hey, John.
How are you doing? Okay.
I'd like to have a memorial service.
- I know it seems silly- - It's not.
Not at all.
Do it here in the office? That's fine.
I'll circulate a memo.
John? I know I seemed hostile to Stefan.
- You hated him.
- I didn't.
You loathe frog-kind.
When I was 7 years old, I had a hamster.
Millie.
I loved her so much.
In high school, I was the star of my track team.
Won almost every meet.
People would ask, "How do you train? " And I would say, " Hard work.
" The normal stuff.
But the truth was it was because of Millie.
From second grade on, I would sprint home after school because I just missed her so much.
I couldn't wait to see her.
Then one day my brother put an Argentine Horned Frog in my terrarium.
And he ate Millie.
It was a year, before I could forgive my brother.
I've never forgiven the frog.
Well, Stefan never hurt anybody or anything.
I know.
I was just trying to explain- I'm sorry for your loss.
I appreciate that.
- Fifty-five isn't a bad out.
- She doesn't have $55,000.
Plus, the other girl took her boyfriend.
Boyfriends are not taken.
People find each other, sometimes there's a bump.
Renee, when I saw him do that wiggle walk- - Then go out with him.
- I can't.
Did he know you'd be here? She brought him.
He doesn't know we all come.
He does now.
He just saw us.
- Where's Ally? - In court.
- Why am I here? - You'll be at the service- What's going on? The Biscuit will take this memorial very seriously.
It would be a disaster for us to laugh.
With the strange things he says, we might be tempted.
So let's get it out of our system now.
- We' re practicing a funeral? - For a frog? Elaine and I have written a little mock eulogy hitting the points John will probably touch on.
If you have to laugh, do it now.
You' re kidding.
He's right.
We don't wanna laugh.
Let's just do it.
Elaine.
"He wasn't just a beloved frog.
He was an amphibian who loved others.
Many reptiles see things as they are and say, 'Why? ' " He won't say that.
We're dealing with John Cage.
Who knows what he'll say.
"He was a giving frog.
" Feelings, we can't really control.
But behavior, we can and we should.
Is it understandable that Hannah Puck suffered hurt feelings? Of course.
Is it acceptable behavior for her to assault Laura Payne to throw her into a trash bin? Of course not.
And Ms.
Puck, she took that stand defending her actions.
Basically saying emotion just took her over.
Saying that Laura Payne was the wrong-doer.
For what? For letting her emotion take her over? She fell in love.
She fell in love.
Is it unfortunate that the man was her best friend's boyfriend? Yes.
But love, true love it isn't something that just comes along like a train where you can say, "Hey, I'll just catch the next one.
" If everything we've been told about true love is in fact true maybe it comes along once.
Does it make sense to exalt the protocol of friendship over your one chance of-? I imagine two people being right for each other.
Knowing they' re right for each other and letting it pass because she dates my friend.
Any woman who does that well, she sort of dumps herself in that trash bin, doesn't she? Her best friend.
Not a friend, her best friend.
Leaving her in a big heap.
And then, she sues her.
Then she hires a diminutive lawyer for the sole purpose of making me the heavy.
He struts up in court, announces that I kicked him once.
No relevance except to make you not like me or my client.
A gross attempt at manipulating you, and he should be ashamed for it.
Ashamed.
Mr.
Koolie? She hurt my feelings! I don't wanna be ridiculous here.
I know he wasn't human.
But he was a little soul who touched me.
I'm not embarrassed to have loved him or to miss him.
I guess the only thing left for me to do is to honor him.
And I do that by sharing my love for him with the people I love.
T o know that it was my own hand that pushed the button.
T o know that it was me who had the toilet altered so that there'd be a stronger flush.
Because I like a fresh bowl and remnants upset me.
Imagine what it must have been like for him to be suddenly gone in a violent whirlpool, cascading him.
I can only hope the bowl was indeed fresh when he fell into it.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I use humor to preempt the pain.
- Me too.
- It works.
Oh.
Oh, John.
John! I think you tried to make us laugh.
Why would I-? You're angry and it's easier than being sad.
- I didn't intend to be funny.
- But sometimes you are, just the same.
Remember you said people see you as funny-strange and I said I see you as special-strange? Guess what? Everybody in that room thinks you' re special.
That's why they' re there.
Go finish your service.
If we laugh, we laugh.
But go finish.
I can't walk away from you.
I won't.
Verdict.
See you.
- What do you think? - It's close.
- Did the midget make the difference? - He's not a midget.
All rise.
Has the jury reached its verdict? - Yes, Your Honor.
- What say you? We find in favor of the plaintiff, Laura Payne and order Hannah Puck to pay damages in the amount of one dollar.
- One dollar? - That's great.
One dollar? Mr.
Koolie? Give it a rest, Oren.
Court dismissed.
Thank you.
You really do remind me of me.
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Until we meet again? - Yes, Oren, until.
Elaine? What are you doing here? You can have any man you want, Ally.
Please don't take mine.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I got something for you.
I was looking to get a card but I remember when I lost Millie my mother went right out- Here.
She's not a replacement.
But- Well, she is cute for a frog.
She's an American Tree Frog.
She's got those little gecko hands like Stefan had.
She is so tiny.
- She likes you.
- She needs training.
Yes.
We don't want her jumping on people's noses.
May I call her Millie? Sure.
You're a kind person, Nelle.
You won't tell? It will be our secret.
Hey.
Elaine's a great girl.
The last thing I want is to hurt her, but- You know your wiggle walk? When I was sad, sometimes I'd skip.
And the way that you can hear songs in your head? But underneath that fun stuff in common- - What? - We're not right for each other.
I can't really explain how I know.
But I do.
You're lying.
I can't.
Ally, I won't end up with Elaine.
Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
But I'm not the one.
It will hurt her more if I- I haven't so much as held your hand and already I'm in love with you.
It's not gonna happen, George.
If you tell me you don't feel a little of what I feel, I'll leave.
I don't feel what you feel.
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