Alpha House (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Impressive.
Paul? What? You're dead, man.
Oh, not so dead I don't recognize a nice piece when I see one.
Au pair? Housekeeper.
Oh, I always preferred au pairs myself.
They're temporary.
I remember, master.
You taught me well.
Unfortunately, it was an au pair that blew up my marriage.
That's because she wasn't your au pair.
You sneaked out, creating unnecessary risk.
You still have much to learn, grasshopper.
You checked out too soon, Paul.
There was so much I wanted to ask you.
Like, were you really doing your chief of staff? Oh, yeah.
That's what I mean about keeping it in-house.
You thinking of nailing Katharine? I can't.
She's a lesbian.
That's even hotter.
And she's constantly on my case for horn-dogging.
She thinks I'm clinically addicted.
Yeah, I used to get that.
You buy it? That you can be addicted to sex? I don't know, man.
I do know a part of the thrill is knowing that I'm courting disaster it heightens it.
On the other hand, there's that moment after sex when I think, "what the hell am I doing? Am I insane?" You know what I mean? Paul? Hi.
Hi.
Go back to sleep.
Okay.
Where are my panties? Honor.
Honor is the most sacred part of service.
So when one of my former soldiers, Sergeant Mel Axelrod, saw that Senator Biggs swift-boating ad, he wanted to be here today.
Sergeant Axelrod.
Thanks, Colonel Grimmel.
I'm not, um, big on talking in public, but, um, this despicable attack on you cannot go unanswered.
When I think of the day when when the Colonel ran into that ravine and specialist Torres was screaming, and the Colonel picked him up just as that mortar round came in, and I saw his leg go, but he still dragged Torres clear and, uh I'm sorry.
Oh, fuck me.
That all of it? No, sir, he rambled on like that for another minute, triggered his own PTSD, and had to be driven home.
How much play did it get? Well, local stations ran the whole thing all night, and it went viral, so it's catching on, ma'am.
That ad has been nothing but trouble.
I still don't understand what the watts were thinking.
That ad was wrong, Maddie, but it wasn't crazy.
Best way to slow down your opponents is to attack their strengths, not their weaknesses.
You go after a muscle, not fat.
Where did you get that little tidbit of wisdom? Karl Rove? Okay, I bumped into him over at Fox the other day.
Didn't cost us anything.
And that is exactly what it's worth.
You've gotta get back above the fray, G.
J.
You've gotta be that reasonable, likable guy that Angie filmed on the beach.
And people love that speech, sir.
It got 11 million hits and thousands of comments from all over the country.
Really? All around the country? Yes, ma'am.
Sea to shining sea.
Mm.
And the debate has been rescheduled to 9:00 P.
M.
at KSNV.
Jillette couldn't get to Reno in time.
No doubt a conflict with his little magic show.
Honestly, I'm supposed to take this guy seriously? It would be a mistake not to, sir.
He may well be effective in a debate.
Well, I'm ready for whatever he has up his sleeve! - Is there anything else, Julie? - Uh, yes, sir.
I'd like to request some leave after the election.
Uh, fine I guess.
How long? Uh, two months, which means we would need to find an interim chief of staff.
And it cannot I repeat, sir cannot be James.
Oh, well, what sort of leave, Julie? Maternity, ma'am.
This is stunning news, Julie.
Um, Louise, are you I don't know what to say.
Uh, who's who's the father? I have no idea.
What I do know is he's Caucasian, has a PhD from Harvard in microbiology, and rode first oar on the Oxford eights.
First oar? Kat and I, we did consider adoption But neither one of us wanted to miss out on the whole birthing process.
- So we went to a clinic - Please, no more, Julie.
- Satan is listening.
- Now, we don't know that, dear.
But th this is a shock, Julie.
I'm sorry my happy news is so disturbing to you, Mrs.
Laffer.
Sir.
Louise, Satan? Oh, Louis, I can hear him laughing with delight.
I can hear him.
Yo, James.
What's up? Need a second bro opinion.
Nice.
MILF screen savers.
No, no.
These are lottery contestants.
From a "have lunch with your senator" fund-raiser.
Trying to find him a good match.
What happened to the Polynesian lady? It's off.
They couldn't have a conversation that didn't end with her in tears about global warming.
Well, her country is disappearing.
Not if you're a Republican.
It's liberal hysteria.
What about her? Molly P.
Andresun.
She's from Philly, she works for a design firm, gave money to the senator in 2008.
And she's obviously made a real effort to stay hot.
I think you have a winner.
Uh, so how are things going with you and Lola? Great.
Really great.
Aaron, do you know what soaking is? You mean like in a tub? No.
See, Mormons can't have intercourse before they get married.
So what some couples do is the man inserts himself into the woman but then stays absolutely still.
Motionless.
That's soaking.
So he just marinates his junk In her lady garden, exactly.
But, if there's even the tiniest bit of friction, they're both damned for all eternity.
- Ouch.
- Exactly.
Anyway, Lola loves soaking.
She wants me soaking in her every night for hours.
So you just soak your brains out? Yeah, but the problem is I'm in a constant state of arousal.
Not now, of course.
But most of the day.
And jacking off is a sin too? Jacking off? Oh, you mean self-dating? Yeah, that's a sin too.
Any other suggestions? Uh, no, that's all I got.
Sorry.
You know Charlotte's in town, right? - Doing her show? - Oh, yeah.
I'm meeting all of them tomorrow.
Well, don't let her bait you.
She's on the hunt for drama.
I'll be dull as dishwater.
What's wrong, honey bear? Feeling busted about that ad, Maddie.
Shamefully busted.
Well, you've gotta move on, darling.
What other choice do you have? Well, believe it or not, I was thinking about a public apology.
Wouldn't kill me.
Ever notice how often McCain apologizes? On and on.
Never apologized for putting Sarah Palin on the ticket.
That's too big.
Who'd forgive him? - Mm.
- Point is, every time he screws up, he makes it right, which got me thinking, if I ever want to get back to where I need to be, I should probably say, you know I'm sorry? Not gonna be easy.
How about inviting Obama? I don't know.
You invite him, you have to invite all the other heads of state.
Do we really have to do this? Andy, we need a list.
- You have to help.
- Why? My people are barely in the wedding.
It's a hundred of your second cousins and their plus-ones.
It's not my fault that you have a teeny tiny family that never breeds.
I really gotta go.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Ciao.
I love you.
Same.
Oh, where'd you get that? - Do you like it? - No, it looks good on you.
Okay.
Marta! Yes, Miss de Portago? Can you come in here for a second? Yes, Miss? Marta.
Last week after the lockdown, you went into the kitchen, and you called Andy on his cell phone.
- I did, Miss? - Yes, you did.
And you were on the verge of tears, so I thought to myself, "why would Andy's housekeeper be so worried about him?" Senator Guzman is important for Florida's tomorrow.
Yes, that's what it says on his campaign poster.
Marta, let me ask you something.
How long have you been sleeping with my fiancé? - Miss.
- How long? Since Monday.
M Monday? I mean, November.
I get them confused.
What? Are you are you seriou are you serious? Are you serious? Oh, my God, you are.
Oh, my God, you are.
You're s Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him! Oh, my God.
I'm an idiot.
I'm so sorry, Miss de Portago.
I do not want to take your Andy.
I know he loves you.
He talks about wedding all the time.
He calls it big how you say "cluster duck.
" She won me.
Things we have to do.
All right, buddy.
Best to Jillian.
Thanks.
Really wish you wouldn't fund-raise in the building, sir.
And I really wish you wouldn't auction me off.
I mean, does our people's history mean nothing to you? It was a lottery, not an auction.
Where is she? Conference room.
Hello.
Senator, this is our winner, Molly Andresun.
- Senator Bettencourt.
- Oh, please, Robert.
Have a seat.
Are you kidding me? Pizza? Eh, how much was the lottery ticket? $100.
- No way.
- Mm.
And this is what we give you? And what's this? Oh, just getting some footage for the campaign, Senator.
Okay, you know what, guys? Let's let the Senator and Ms.
Andresun have their lunch in peace, and you can come back when they're chatting over coffee.
- Well - Well A few weeks ago, I encouraged a Super PAC to tell the truth about my opponent, Leland Grimmel.
They didn't.
They told lies about his war record.
What's worse, I stood by while his good name was smeared.
I was wrong.
I fricked up.
Truly.
In my 12 years here, it's the most shameful thing I've ev uh, except for voting against the Disabled Act while Bob dole sat there in his wheelchair.
That was a low point.
And getting Congress involved as to whether to pull the plug on that brain-dead girl in Florida, I should have stayed away from that one.
Oh, and heck, I'd be here all day.
The point is, I am one sorry son of a bitch.
I mean gun.
Sorry about that too.
Thank you.
And you've got a cubicle booked at the RNC for two hours of fund-raising starting at 2:30.
I'll be there.
No, seriously, you gotta be there.
People need to get paid out in Iowa.
- I'll be there.
- No, really, I mean it.
I emailed you your call sheet.
- I'm on it.
- Seriously, Andy.
- Townsend events.
- Hey.
It's me.
I've got an hour.
Are you free for let's call it lunch? - Are you kidding me? - Nope.
Can't get you out of my mind, your pearls bouncing on my face.
A memory I'll treasure too, but you really do need help.
What do you mean? Your wedding gets called off, and your first thought is to go boink the wedding planner? Called off? What are you talking about? Your fiancée called.
She fired me in English, then cursed you out in Spanish.
I think.
I'm a little rusty.
Jesus.
How'd she find out? About us? She didn't, as far as I know.
Must have been some other vendor on your route.
Just retrace your steps, Andy.
You'll figure it out.
Okay, gotta go.
It's been swell.
Hello, this is me, Marta in America.
Please leave message.
Okay, so mama bear's in town.
She always comes to town when Gil John's stepped in it.
So she'll be in fine form, no doubt.
And you can be sure she'll be on my case too, so stand by for some bonus drama.
Charlotte.
- How are you, darling girl? - Hi, mom.
I'm fine, except I'm not Charlotte, I'm Cee Biggs, and I'm doing cutaways right now.
Oh, darling.
I missed you so much.
Okay, give me a break.
Right? Look at you, professionally made up.
You look like a movie star.
Okay, usually she's all over me about my appearance.
Look at that.
Isn't that pretty? Not to camera.
Just try to keep it real.
Hi, everybody.
There's so many of you.
I'm Maddie Biggs.
Hi, Mrs.
Biggs, I'm Connie Wyman, the producer.
Ah.
We are really looking forward to getting to know you.
Me? Oh, no, not me.
You want me to be on the show? - Mom.
- Exciting.
- Why are you being like this? - When do we start? - I don't even recognize you.
- What? I just did my hair a little different.
So, again, I'm sorry, Molly.
Oh, really, the pizza's not that bad, Robert.
It's not exactly Beddia's, but it's not that bad.
Beddia? In Fishtown? You go there? I suppose you prefer Tacconelli's.
Yes, ma'am, I do prefer the best pizzeria in Philadelphia.
Where you have to order ahead to reserve the dough? Well, it's better than standing in line all day for a limp scallion pizza.
Limp? Are you looking for a beatdown, mister? You would punch out a United States senator over Joe's pie? Wait a second, you know Joe? Since he was a kid.
I was messing with you.
A test.
You know, I gotta I gotta do a thing with the Phillies tomorrow.
Do you want to maybe go, um, meet up at Beddia? Wait, you you're already thinking about our next lunch.
Weren't you? Senator Guzman? Sorry, key wouldn't work.
Is Adriana here? She's not answering her phone.
Miss de Portago is indisposed, Senator.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here? I'm sorry, Andy.
I didn't mean to cause you such trouble.
Benny, what's going on? I'm leaving the city.
I won't be problem anymore.
Ms.
Stjepanovic-Majdandzic has taken a new position, Senator, as an au pair in Maui.
What? Her new employers have agreed to sponsor her and assist her with that green card that has proved so challenging for you to arrange.
I don't understand.
Why would Adriana do this for Marta? So that when Miss de Portago announces the end of her engagement, the media will not see the third party entering your residence.
Both ladies would prefer to be spared the additional emotional distress.
- Marta.
- I'm sorry, sir.
I will miss you so far away in beachfront home.
Adriana.
Adriana.
Adriana.
Security, please.
Adios.
And in comes Cee.
'Sup, mom? Hey, Cee Biggs.
So where do the D.
C.
daughters stay? Is there kind of a clubhouse or Okay, cut.
Cut.
Mom, don't improvise questions.
- Sorry.
- No, it's fine.
Mrs.
Biggs, you know, scenic hasn't finished work on the house, so we're just trying not to call attention to the fact that we're staying in hotels.
Oh, okay, I get that.
I've been there.
Do you know the renovation on our house is eight months over? - Eight months.
- What's up with that, mom? You were too poor to help with my Internet start-up but have plenty of money to build a solarium and a pool house and put on a new roof, huh? No, it's not that we were too poor.
It's just, we didn't think that social networking for dogs dog owners, but let's not talk about my concept, mom.
You totally said, and I quote, "we can't afford it.
" But you could afford marble floors, right? Well, we don't have to pay for that ourselves, darling.
Oh, then who did pay for it? do we have some relative in the construction business I don't know about? No.
I didn't think so.
How you feeling, Senator? - Ready to go? - How am I feeling? I think the question is, how's the little mother feeling? No, sir, that is not the question.
What? Is someone pregnant? No.
- Uh, well, yes.
- Congratulations.
I'm not ready for everyone to know yet.
My lips are sealed.
So that means you'll be going on leave, right? That sure would leave a staff power vacuum, sir.
Want me to step in? Well, we'll cross that bridge when we're forced to.
In the meantime, let's just ask God to keep Julie's precious cargo out of the hands of a certain fallen angel.
- Have you been hydrating? - Well - Who's the daddy? - Nobody.
An anonymous donor.
But very educated and accomplished this much we know.
Mm.
Wouldn't be so sure.
- Two minutes, Senator.
- Roger that.
What do you mean, James? I'm a donor, and I can tell you, they don't really do background checks.
I told my bank that I rowed for Oxford and had a Harvard PhD.
It's showtime, El Capitan.
Mount up! Hooah! Hooah! So, yes, I do support the yucca mountain repository and the high-paying jobs it will bring to our state.
Handled properly, we have nothing to fear from nuclear waste but fear itself.
Thank you, Senator Laffer.
Mr.
Jillette.
Thank you, John.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a section of an ordinary nuclear fuel rod cluster.
Oh, don't worry, it's completely safe.
It's a scale model from any hobby store.
Now, what would I do to dispose of a spent fuel assembly like this? Would I bury it in one of our beautiful Nevada mountains? No! I would not.
I would turn it into one of these babies and use the proceeds to rebuild our schools.
That's what I would do.
Wow.
Senator Laffer, you have 30 seconds to respond.
Are you kidding me? Okay, our next question comes from Shelby Mellman of KPVK, Reno news live.
Senator Laffer, you have said that as a rich, successful entertainer, that Mr.
Jillette would be out of touch with the concerns of everyday Americans.
Do you think that's fair? Fair? Well, Shelby, let's put it to the test, shall we? I would ask my opponent if he knows how much this half-gallon of milk costs.
Have any idea, Jillette? Because I do.
Well, Senator Laffer, I don't know the price of the contents of this carton.
But I'd still take her home with me.
Aww.
Just gotta do a quick pop, and then we're out of here.
Oh, no, no, that's okay.
Totally love this show.
Well, he is their money guy in the late innings.
Well, that's true, but two runs down, you think? Okay, so here's the current lineup with thumbnail profiles.
- Utley's out this week.
- Oh, great.
"Ootley" is the only guy I know anything about.
It's Utley.
Jonathan Papelbon is a great signing by the Phillies.
They really needed a terrific closer.
What's the point in paying a guy 15 million to close games when you never have a ninth-inning lead? What do you think the problem is? Well, I'll tell you what the problem is.
We need to score, and to do that, we need a clutch performer who can drive in RBis the way Ryan Howard used to do.
- Yeah - Give me a break.
Howard drove in 140 runs per season because he had great players like Jayson Werth getting on base ahead of him 40% of the time.
It's 2014, and the Phillies are building a team like it's 1994, still paying for RBis and saves instead of on-base percentage.
- We'll be right back.
- What are you doing? I am taking down everything you say, and you, young lady, are saving my ass.
Hmm.
- Maddie.
- Yes, darling.
During the daughters taping yesterday, you mentioned that we weren't paying for all our renovations.
What did you mean by that? Oh, you know, Billy's a fan, so he's giving us a friend's rate.
Just how friendly is that friend's rate? Well, certainly nothing more than we deserve.
Billy has built half the V.
A.
clinics in the state - all because of you.
- How much, Maddie? I don't know.
He said he might take off a zero.
Take off a zero? Oh, Christ.
You know what that is? That's called a kickback.
You don't get a friend's rate from a federal contractor.
Well, you should.
Besides, who's gonna know, Gil John? Who? How about the whole goddamn country? You looked like a frozen deer.
You don't think that's gonna set off alarms? I got trouble enough without my wife setting me up for criminal prosecution! Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Calm down.
- We'll figure something out - God damn it! Oh, my God, it's just a reality show, Gil.
Nobody's gonna notice or even care.
Which reality show is that, ma'am? God damn it! I mean, Papelbon's a great closer, but he's being paid 15 million to protect leads the Phillies never have.
Bad investment.
But it wasn't just defense.
The Phillies just couldn't buy a run.
Right, that's why the so-called clutch hitter's not the answer.
When Ryan Howard was having those monster seasons, it was 'cause Jayson Werth and the other guys were getting on base ahead of him.
I'm afraid my old friend Ed Rendell is living in the '90s where teams pay big bucks for shiny RBls instead of on-base percentage.
Basic sabermetrics.
Sabermetrics? I thought Robert knew shit about baseball.
Senator, you make an excellent point.
We're gonna take a break.
We'll be right back.
Hey.
Hmm.
Okay, I smell despair.
What's going on? The goddamn reality shows are ruining my life.
And I screwed the pooch.
I wish you'd screwed the pooch.
Buster wouldn't have liked it, but I'd still have a housekeeper.
What? Marta's gone? Why? Adriana found out.
Which is crazy.
I was careful.
No, you weren't, Andy.
Not if you really think about it.
Well, that's that's a tough break, man.
Sorry.
Well, how'd the debate go? Total nightmare, thank you.
For his finale, Jillette pulled a pigeon out of my pants.
Not for real, obviously.
But it played like it.
Guy's good.
Whoa, hard to prep for something like that.
You know what the sad thing is? We spend 90% of our lives ducking shitstorms, begging for money, and whoring for votes.
And why do we put ourselves through all that? In order to hold on to jobs that are 90% ducking shitstorms, begging for money, and whoring for votes.
What's wrong with this picture? So what's the answer? Resigning to spend more time with our families? Does sound tempting.
What?