Anger Management s02e05 Episode Script

Sam, I am so sorry we didn't believe you that there was mold in the house.
I can't believe you guys let it go two weeks Do you know what we've been breathing and touching? Honey, we don't know if this is bad mold.
What if it's good mold? Like penicillin.
Right, your mom's reluctance to scrub anything Might be making us much healthier.
Seriously, how dirty can a shower get? It's just soap and water in there.
let's-- let's just wait to hear from the inspector Before we all overreact.
All right, you've got black mold everywhere.
I'd get outta here today.
Wait a second, I lived here for 10 years.
We never had a problem with black mold.
Are you sure? I've been in the mold game for a long time.
Trust me, I know black mold when I see-- - You okay? - Yeah, just can't shake this flu.
Okay, sam.
Let's go.
You've got clothes at my place.
Hey, what about me? We have no idea how long this will take.
My friend had mold, she was out of her house for a month.
Well, then go stay with her.
It's already nice and clean.
Look, jen.
The last time we lived together, it didn't end well.
There was-- there was-- there was Screaming, crying, police, helicopters.
It was like the end of "e.
T.
" except we wound up with joint custody of the alien.
So where am I gonna go, charlie? - What about your new boyfriend? - He's not my boyfriend.
We've only dry-humped in the parking lot behind the olive garden Twice.
Also, he might be married.
Well, there's gotta be somebody you can stay with.
You probably need some space to remember who that is.
Shine on, you hummingbird.
I-I don't know what that means.
I think the mold is getting to me.
I'd get outta here quick if I were you.
Later.
Okay, here we go.
Are you a sociopath? I turned it into a drinking game.
I'll read the traits and if you got it, you drink.
Awesome.
Go for it.
Number one.
Shows no apparent sense of remorse, shame, or guilt.
Me, me, and me.
How many questions are there? - 20.
- I should probably call you a cab now.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the guy who just left his wife In a house full of black mold? Bottoms up, psycho.
Hey, I am not a psycho.
Jen and I get along great now.
When we're living together, it's a disaster.
I'm doing this because I care about her so damn much.
Unconvincing displays of human emotions.
Eh, you got me on that one.
Maybe we should just check alcohol abuse, thrill-seeking behavior, And get right to sexually promiscuous.
You taste like kentucky.
Charlie, you here? Charlie? I need to talk to you about the house right now.
- Hey, jen.
What's up? - Where'd you guys come from? We were right behind you.
We just left a seminar on sociopaths.
Did you know they lie easily and without remorse? You know where I slept last night? On a bunk bed in the kid's room at my cousin bonnie's house.
You know who was on the top bunk? Her daughter louise, fourth grade, 200 pounds-- Not judging.
Still wets the bed.
I basically slept in a lean-to In a rain forest and it's all your fault.
How is it my fault? I'm the one who told cousin bonnie not to get pregnant at 50.
No, when we got divorced, You gave me a house with a mold problem.
Last night, wide-awake, wearing my poncho, I remembered you wouldn't let me get an inspection.
I thought if there was mold, the termites would eat it I didn't think it was possible to have both.
Charlie, I wanna be near my daughter and you owe me.
If you don't wanna live with me again, fine.
I'll stay here, you go sleep under the 200-pound sea sponge.
Again, not judging.
Look, you can stay here.
I'm sorry, I was incredibly selfish.
I should've offered in the first place, and just because we're not married Doesn't mean we're not family.
God, thank you, charlie.
I feel the same way.
I'll go get my stuff out of my car.
Wow, charlie, as your therapist, I am impressed.
- You've come a long way.
- Yeah.
I didn't mean a word of it.
Who's the sociopath now? Okay, before we break.
You might remember when you all joined the group That I asked each of you to write a letter I think now would be a great time to read them And see just how far you've come.
- Ed, would you like to start? - Fine, but I gotta tell ya, I ain't gonna be getting nothing out of this.
"dear ed, keep working this pencil So he thinks you're doing something.
This whole thing is idiotic.
" Well, you're right.
I don't recognize this guy at all.
Patrick, would you like to read your letter? Would I? "charlie, I'm sorry I won't be there When you read this in your little therapy club, But if you watch tv or follow the tabloids, You'll know that I have my own hit reality show now, 'personal shopper wars,' Hosted by me and my close friend anderson cooper.
" I can't read any more of this.
Anybody else in our little "therapy club" like to read their letter? - Lacey? - "hey, hottie.
The old guy is creeping me out, I may have to punch this gay dude in the throat, And I'm pretty sure Shaggy next to me is special needs.
" And look, now you know all their names.
Progress.
"hey, future nolan.
I just wanna let you know that I'm proud of you And if you've had any progress, You're a success.
And you should feel great about yourself 'cause you're awesome.
" Nolan, can I see your letter? It's a picture of a cat driving a race car.
Okay.
Let's see what I wrote.
"look how hard they're working on their letters.
Obviously, they respect the process and are dedicated To getting better quickly Rather than meandering along Week after week after week.
" Okay, I'll see you all next week.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Patrick, did they talk about your sweater in group today? - It's a real cry for help.
- Thanks, sam.
I'm so glad that you finally took my advice And suffocated your wardrobe.
Ha! I win.
- How did you do this? - I saw jen set up her chuck norris home gym In the garage and thought I'd sneak in a few reps And I pinched my finger trying to adjust the seat.
If you need a band-aid for a pinch, Chuck norris doesn't want you using his gym.
So how weird is it Having the ex living here? Well, I can't park in my garage, The house is full of flies 'cause she won't close a door, And we've restarted the thermostat wars of 1998.
How's that go down with your girl kate? - Any jealousy? - No, no.
- She's cool with it and it's making me nuts.
- Let me ask you something.
During sex, does she make a lot of noises? I-- I guess so.
What does that tell you? Nothing.
I just wanna know stuff.
It's so cold in here.
How did these flies even survive? I don't know.
It's like someone keeps letting in new ones.
I gotta jet.
I'm out.
Stop by anytime, michael.
Apparently, our door is always open.
Hey, hey, hey.
This isn't like one of those magic sinks At the airport that turns itself off.
I know.
I got more fruit to wash in a minute.
You're right.
I'm gonna start the oven in case I wanna make a turkey at thanksgiving.
Here we go.
Just like old times.
I'll tell you what.
I won't touch anything in your kitchen.
We'll just call your housekeeper and have her do everything.
- I don't have a housekeeper.
- What? You're kidding.
This place is immaculate.
Well, anything that's not covered in mold would seem clean to you.
- But thank you.
- Since when did you get so domestic? You didn't do any of this stuff when we were married.
Yeah, well, there were a lot of things you didn't do when we were married, too.
Yeah, well, I'm doing 'em now and I'm good at 'em.
If you were really good at 'em, you'd have a place to stay.
Well, I do have a place to stay And I don't have to do nothing, sucka.
- How does chinese sound? - Good.
I'm gonna get some mongolian beef.
You want anything? - Sure, I'll have--- - lemon chicken-- take the skin off before you cook it, - Spring rolls, and white rice.
- Wow, impressive.
after 18 years of sending your chinese food back, I think I finally got it right.
- Hi, kate.
- Hi, just wanted to see If you could come over early for our playdate tonight.
Oh, man.
I just made plans with jen to have chinese, but I'll stop by later on.
You and jen are having chinese? - You're not fighting? - No, no, it's fine.
Oh, she's there.
- You can't talk.
- No, I can talk.
It's-- it's fine.
So it's not awkward having her there? No control issues? Nope.
All good.
I'll see ya later.
Oh, by the way, Did you want me to wear that Latex bodysuit or the little schoolgirl outfit? The second one.
Say it or you get nothing tonight.
- Oh, come on.
Really? - Scared? - Not at all.
- You don't have the balls to say it.
The little schoolgirl outfit.
And that outfit Is a proud organization called the girl scouts of america.
So I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you demean them.
I'll drop by later on and pick up my box of thin mints.
Oh, crap.
Charlie, wake up.
We fell asleep.
Did we fall asleep watching hillbilly handfishin'? Yes, we did.
You know, I'd written hillbillies off as a bunch of ignorant hicks, But after-- how many episodes did we watch? Six.
They're real human beings with real stories That just happen to revolve around Catching catfish with your hands.
Oh, crap.
It's nine in the morning.
- I forgot all about kate.
- Well, I'm sure she'll understand.
It was just girl scout cookies.
But do me a favor, don't tell her that you had some wine And fell asleep with your ex-wife After some hillbilly hand fishing.
It just sounds so dirty.
Kate, I am so sorry about last night.
It's okay.
I got your message.
So food poisoning, huh? Yeah, yeah, believe me, you do not want to spend an entire night With a bad catfish.
Catfish? I thought you had chinese.
I did and then we ordered catfish.
Never mix asian and cajun.
Unless you want your kid to be a concert washboardist.
Well, I'm glad you're okay.
So let's talk about jen.
Is the house feeling crowded? What's the dynamic? Where does she sleep? No, good, and in the guest room.
Oh, I'm surprised.
I mean, you guys were together so long, You could just probably Sleep in the same bed together.
Why, I think that would be a little strange.
Some men like a little strange.
Especially a little strange that's familiar.
- Are you okay? - Hey, you're the patient, I'm the doctor.
I'll ask the questions here.
So, did you bang her? No, no.
We just fell asleep after a little hillbilly hand fishing.
That's disgusting.
It's not what you think.
It's a tv show.
I know.
It's disgusting.
Last week, wayne was having some trouble empathizing with his victims.
So I asked him to write a play about his crime To help him better understand The pain of the people he wronged.
Thank you.
Cleo will play my wife.
Ernesto will play her lover.
I call this play "the boy who couldn't cry.
" Well, that's very insightful, wayne.
Oh, it's not me.
It's the kid next door.
He's got his mouth duct-taped.
Spoiler alert.
Charlie, you'll play the narrator.
Old uncle stan.
You start.
Oh, I didn't see you there.
Welcome to "pussytown.
" Oh, it's a real place.
Full of crybabies and pussies.
I guess you're all curious about our most famous citizen.
Wayne dwayne earl.
Wait, I think I hear his pickup pulling up to his house now.
I sure hope his wife isn't having sex With his neighbor and best friend And that wayne doesn't come in and shoot them both.
Oh, wayne, you're home! It's not what it looks like! Dios mio.
- We had this coming.
Ah! I've been a bad friend.
- Oh, my god! Oh, my god! - Okay, okay.
Okay, wayne.
Okay, okay.
We get it.
We get it, we get it, we get it.
The point was to demonstrate that you learned something about your victims' feelings.
Well, that's what the "ows" were for.
The bullets hurt them.
Okay, okay.
Let's just talk about what was supposed to happen.
The point of this was to be able to put yourself in your victims' shoes.
I think charlie's trying to get us to think about How other people feel before we get all mad And jealous and kill them.
Now, we all have anger issues, and jealousy is a trigger, So it's important that we avoid extremely jealous partners.
- That leaves out women.
- Well, that's a generalization.
Some women get jealous, some women don't.
And then some do and then won't admit it.
Oh, I call shenanigans.
You're talking about yourself.
Okay, well, since you called shenanigans.
Yes, yes, I am talking about a woman I'm seeing.
Why won't she admit she's jealous? Because she doesn't want a real relationship.
If she admits that she's jealous, that means she has real feelings for me.
Gotta force her hand, dude.
Do something with another girl And make sure the robot lady finds out.
robot lady.
That's pretty good.
Well, thanks for the advice, guys.
I'll think about it.
Don't think, just do it.
Like the time I stabbed a guy for a pair of sneakers.
Ernesto, in retrospect, Don't you wish you'd thought about that first? In retrospect, I wish I had checked the dude's shoe size first.
What a senseless crime.
Somebody's getting laid tonight.
Hey, I'm just having a nice dinner with my ex.
I'm not even talking about you.
I've been meeting guys on jdate.
Oh, dating jewish guys now, huh? Is that what the "j" stands for? What did you think it stood for? I didn't care.
- Waiting on a call? - No, I thought kate would text me.
We were supposed to go out tonight, but I-- I bailed at the last minute.
I wanted her to know I was going out with jen.
Last week the same thing happened to me with shlomo and menachem.
And it-- it never crossed your mind That the "j" stood for jewish? I know, I feel like such a schmuck.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Cheers.
This is nice.
I didn't think we'd be doing this kind of stuff When I bullied you into letting me stay at your house.
Well, I am a sucker for a sexy bully.
I'm sorry.
Where'd that come from? It's all right, you can call me sexy.
I know I got it going on.
It's a good thing we're not married anymore.
We'd screw this up.
I don't know.
We're different now.
Wow, look who's here.
- Kate.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here? - I'm stalking you.
So how's the food? I'm thinking about buying the place.
I didn't know you were thinking about buying a restaurant.
I'm not.
- I'll tell you why I'm really here.
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before you do that, you know what can be really fun? Let's go to the bathroom and throw up a little bit.
I'm fine.
See how kind and giving he is? Has he given anything to you lately? Who wants pie? I want pie.
How much pie do you need? I think you've had enough pie.
I think you're in no condition To operate a metaphor.
Kate, why are you really here? - Okay, you got me.
- Okay.
Back to one, everybody.
Full reverse.
I'm really here because I got stood up.
- Oh, god.
- dun, dun, dun.
That sucks! You know, I don't wanna offend you because I'm not that familiar With the lesbian community, But sounds like this bitch needs her ass kicked.
Oh, I wish you would.
The girl I'm seeing is such a girl.
Oh, we were just supposed to be having simple sex, But she has feelings And she wants me to have feelings.
And I'm supposed to be a bad person Because I don't have feelings.
Which I don't.
- It's exhausting.
Okay, now it's a party! Hey, charlie, maybe you should drive kate home.
I don't know.
It's like having an open bottle in the car.
Okay, come on, kate.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, you know what? - What? I changed my mind.
I don't wanna buy this place.
The floor moves.
- This is so embarrassing.
- Don't worry about it.
I don't think anybody noticed.
Lots of women squat down on the sidewalk For a few moments, then walk away.
I don't care about that.
I got jealous.
I can't believe I was like some stupid high school chick.
"oh, he's with another girl, I'm gonna go key his car.
" Oh, yeah.
You're gonna have to repaint your car.
Look, it's okay.
I think it's nice that you care about me, Even though you haven't actually said it.
What, you need two women to say it to you? - What? - I saw the way she was looking at you.
Come on.
How was she looking at me? Like this.
Did her eyes roll around in her head like that? Okay, since you're being honest.
Tonight was a setup.
I told you about my date with jen to make you jealous.
Oh, yeah? Well, I only said I was jealous To get you to admit you tricked me.
- I take it back.
All right, you win.
- You were jealous.
- That's better.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- What's up? - Oh, while you were gone, I texted that guy I was seeing And he invited me to come stay with him.
- Oh.
- Good news, right? Sure.
Whatever you wanna do.
- So he's not married? - Nope.
Wears a wedding ring to keep the crazies away.
- Didn't work this time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, I really appreciate you letting me stay here.
It was fun to spend time with you again.
Okay.
Look, anything you need - I'm here.
- You always are.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, just once, could she please shut the damn door?