Archer s02e05 Episode Script

Woodhouse, what the hell is this?! I believe it is squash, sir.
I what're you shoveling it into?! The wee baby Seamus.
Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it, while she's in Atlantic City for the weekend What?! For the "Pimps and Ho's Ball," I believe she said.
Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.
You realize you're in huge trouble Yessir And that now I have to spend my first Friday off in like, forever Yessir Devising some bizarre punishment for you.
Yessir.
So don't be surprised if you end up eating a whole bunch of spiderwebs.
Right? Now shut up and read me the paper.
Very good, sir, let's see what we Good Lord! Oh for what the shit, Woodhouse?! Stop crying! How do you make him not God, here! Ya like that? That's a Bloody Mary.
Or is it a Bloody Caesar?! Why're you sitting? At my table?! I the paper sir, there's an item Oh yeah? Did somebody finally out the Queen? Right? This baby know what I'm talking about.
Gimme that.
Sir Augustus Stilton, World War One flying ace, blah blah blah, dies under mysterious circumstances.
And mystery solved, he was a thousand.
Stilton and I were squadron-mates Oh.
Sorry.
Twenty-Two Squadron, RFC.
Most decorated aerodrome of the Great War.
I don't care about the great war.
But not much left of the old Double Deuce anymore.
We're all dying off Yeah, not a huge surprise.
We're not dying of old age, sir Wait a second.
Sir Alfred Wensleydale, foul play suspected Nigel Buxton, mysterious circumstances Edwin Glue-sester Gloster Whatever, foul play suspected another "mysterious circumstances, every one of these is like that, and they're all from the past six months.
What the hell? Hell indeed, sir.
Because one at a time, the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce are being murdered.
Oh my God.
Are we out of Bloody Marys?! Can not picture you as a fighter pilot.
Oh no sir, not a pilot.
A batman.
An officer's personal attendant.
In charge of keeping his kit in good order, seeing to his personal needs So, a servant.
"Soldier-servant" was the official term, but Yeah, Way to advance.
But for the enlisted, being chosen to bat for an officer was very desirable.
Especially when that officer was Captain Reginald Thistleton.
I say, Woodhouse! Yessir.
The Hun did a fair job of stitching up the old kite this time, what? Thank God you're alright, sir.
God and my twin Vickers, caught old Jerry in a chandelle, poor bastard went down like a quail.
You scoundrel! Is that brandy?! Thought you'd like a pick-me-up, sir.
You're a rose among thorns! Bagged your share today, Scripes? Loads, thanks! See you've already bagged yours Creepy Yes, Leftenant Scripes abhorred the way Reg Er, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.
Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that? For what are you talking about? I'm what're you talking about? The tontine France.
Spring, 1917.
Bloody April, they called it Black days, they were.
We were losing two, sometimes three pilots a week.
Who was that? Foxley, I should think.
No one thought we'd live through the war, so Reggie came up with the idea.
A tontine, lads! Each man pays in fifty pounds, and the last survivor collects the capital and interest.
Oh come on lads, show some stones! I'll show you my stones, sir! That's the spirit! Who else? Well done Johnny, Bob's your uncle.
So, how much are we talking here? Oh, nearly twelve hundred pounds.
What?! Nobody's getting killed over how ever much that is in real money! Well no, but are you familiar with the term "compound interest?" I'm not an idiot, Woodhouse.
Unlike some people around here! That's silvertip badger! You know how much this cost?! No no, hey c'mon, don't Here, God, Baby.
But since I don't have a calculator At ten percent, by now I'd say it's just a bit shy of a million dollars.
What?! I would totally kill you for that! Not me, but ya know, somebody would So how many of you geezers are left? Well, now that's Stilton's been killed, it's just me, Scripes, and And that'll be Stinky.
Wh-? What will?! Cor, you done alright then.
Oh, no, the flat belongs to Mr.
Archer, who is my None of my business Consenting adults and so on.
Hey, nobody's consenting to anything! None of my business! You're gonna eat so many spiderwebs That's what he said Scripes phones me at my niece's house in Secaucus, New Jersey I live with my niece in Secaucus, New Jersey Riveting Says innit it awful about Stilton, and he wants to come pay us a visit! Good Lord! What'd you say?! Gave 'im your address! Told the bastard we'd be waitin for 'im! Waiting for him?! My God, he'll Never know what hit 'im! We'll turn this fruity flat into a killing field! But Seamus, no! Huh-uh! Woodhouse, I can either do God, you are such a little brat! Here! I can do baby, or I can do "geezer murder mystery," but I can't do both.
Well Scripes is on his way here, so So sir? Perhaps your mother could look after the wee baby Seamus? Woodhouse, yes.
No! Yes! Mother c'mon, you said you You're off your nut if you think I'm babysitting this squawling little What the hell is wrong with him?! He miight have a tiny hangover.
Wh-? You ass, you gave him liquor?! No, I didn't give it to him, but Ass.
See, look at him he's just crazy for it.
You're only supposed to give them liquor if they have the croup! Well I'm sorry Mister Spock, I Or colic! Or the jimmy-legs! Or can't you just dump him on Woodhouse? No, because That's what I always did.
I am sure you did, but apparently Woodhouse is about to be murdered, So are you, if you piddle in here! And that goes double for number two, Mister Man! So you just hold it in! Wow.
A ton of stuff just started making sense to me.
The secret is negative re-enforcement.
Yeah, I'm just getting that.
About time.
Ass.
Baby, you're pear shaped.
Oh, what the hell! Hello?! Great, that was my second-favorite lamp.
Reloading! No you're not! Don't reload.
Dammit! Ow.
And my first-favorite lamp, fantastic.
Serves you right, shooting blind like that.
You could've killed me.
Yeah, and I'd be that much closer to a million bucks! Ya know, once um What's up with your will the days? Oh my God Since when is this place a nursery?! Wouldja knock it off, Union Carbide?! And lay off the wee baby Seamus.
He's got it tough enough as it is Wussat! A pwetty bumblebee! Ya wanna pwetty bumblebee? There you go! Aww, wassamatter? What happened? Did somebody trick you? Hm? See? That's how the world works, dear and I'm the only one you can trust.
Wow A ton of stuff just started making sense.
No way.
Why not? Mr.
Archer said Woodhouse might make a million bucks from his! Shut up, liar.
Of things impossible.
It's not Cyril, can you explain compound interest to her? Maybe if we had an infinite amount of time.
And she were someone else.
Muh huh huh huh.
Wait a second, is that a you know tontines are illegal, right? So is all kindsa shit! But lookit these odds! Half the people that work here are field agents, Who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room Is basically just a great big asbestos lawsuit waitin to happen Yeah, here's some more claims forms And how long ya think this one's gonna be around? Yeah.
Yeah, count me in.
No.
Yes! We must fortify our position! We need twin Vickers here by the bar, a Lewis gun by the sofa Mustard gas! Zeppelins! No! The guy's a hundred, he'll probably break both his hips pushing the doorbell.
I don't know, sir.
Scripes was the toughest man in the squadron Just the squadron, or the entire Pansy Division? Ow! By God, you will show some respect! Do as you like with me, but I won't have a swishy party-boy backchat a war hero! War hero? Oh, let's not Who, Woodhouse?! Damned right! *** And if you won't tell him, Woodhouse, I bloody well shall! Alas, poor ReggieHe was on his way back from a routine patrol.
It was a Tuesday afternoon I'd written him a letter, you see, so I was waiting out on the field And he was looking at me - my God, I can still see his smile - when that Hun bastard dove in from behind And then the sky just shattered.
God knows how, but he kept the old kite from rolling over And crash-landed, out in No Man's Land And?! Hm? Then what?! Oh.
Well, Reggie survived the crash somehow Aaagh! I survived the crash somehow! So we could've sent a rescue party.
But with Reggie hors de combat, Scripes had become acting commander And there shan't be any rescue party.
Captain Thistleton knew the risk of what he was doing, and now it seems his chickens have come home to roost.
Bawk bawk, a response I found unsatisfactory.
I could hear Reggie, out there past the wire, screaming like a lamb Aaaagh! I'm coming for you, sir! And there I found him, in the words of Henley, "bloodied but unbowed.
" Woodhouse, you came for me! Of course I did, sir! I'm a Fag? Sir? Have you got one? Dying for a smoke Oh! Yes of course sir, here we are Cheers.
Now let me just light that for you Oops.
Sorry, sir Just give that another go Good man.
Damn! Good God, man, are you hourly? I sorry, sir, I here we go.
Woodhouse God, that's bright there's something I've been wanting to tell you, but You scoundrel! Izzat brandy?! Oh, no sir, just water Water?! No, never touch the stuff, fish [BEEP.]
in it.
But seriously I've wanted to tell you this for ages, but I never quite knew how I'm listening, sir Woodhouse Fish [BEEP.]
in it.
After that, it's all a bit fuzzy.
Reggieeeeeeeee! And then what? Then they gave me the VC and my papers medical discharge.
Because of the scalps.
Oh for The what?! German scalps! Must've been fifty of 'em! Could've made a blanket.
And then I just sort of drifted about.
Spent God knows how many years in the Orient, on a merchant schooner Reggieeeeeeeee! Then I sort of washed up in Tangiers, where I won a bar in a dice game Which is how I met your mother.
Don't shoot! Please.
I just killed a man and I think my water just broke.
So I could really, really use a drink.
Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar.
I cut the cord, and I've been with your family ever since.
The you Oh my God, you you saw Mother's vagina?! Oh, my God! Aaah! Oh my God.
Rrrghh! What an ass.
Right? Mother?! Mother, where are you?! In here you half wit! I had just gotten him to sleep! Don't you know anything about babies?! I know you're not supposed to have 'em on a greasy bar! In Tangiers! Oh my God And I know you're not supposed to let Woodhouse see your lady parts! Wh-? That's why you're so upset?! Yes! Eww! Mother he touches my food! Darling, he also Give me that! He also saved my life.
And yours.
Between my narrow hips, your fat head, and a city full of enemy spies We both nearly died that night They're sure to come here looking.
We should get you somewhere safe.
Oh, a few minutes more.
I just want to look at him.
Isn't he perfect? Aye.
Here, Miss for the lad.
It's beautiful A clapped-out old whore traded it for a pint.
Said it was sterling.
Sterling.
That's what I'll name him! Oh, that's a fine name.
And could could his middle name be Reginald? No.
Little too gay, but Nicht bewegen! Sie sind verhaftet! But how would you like a job? I I think I would like it very much indeed, mum.
Oh my God And if that weren't enough, that very night he traded his bar for a boat and sailed us to Lisbon.
Got me to an OSS safehouse, sold the boat, used the money to get you both back home to States, then raised you by himself for five years! Wwwhaat? You heard me, young man.
Your mother's just home from the war, boy.
Give her a proper hello.
No! I don't have a mother! And if I did, I'd I'd hate her! Wow, he did all that? For You.
And you treated him like a dog ever since.
But you won't have him to kick around forever Oh shit! Woodhouse! Oh my God, he's gonna be murdered! I gotta go save him! Ah ah ah! Here.
You want me to take a baby.
To a murder.
Or wherever, just out of here.
I have no more love to give today.
Yeah what is it, like, two-thirty? Wait, why'd you have an eyepatch? Oh, who remembers? Three large, three-large fitty, threelarge a Benjamin, three-large Idiots, doing idiot things because they're idiots Yeah, we're the idiots.
Says the genius who got a hooker pregnant What? Nothing! Cyril, what? Cyril? You dead? Damn.
Should I put him out of his misery? Nehh Do you, though.
I No, wait, then I won't get the money.
Idiot.
You'll never take us alive, Scripes! What do you mean, take you alive, Woodhouse I only came here to Wh-?! Bloody hell! Ow.
Dreadfully sorry about that, old boy.
Bloody should be.
Almost killed me.
Which again, from the bottom of my heart, is the last thing on earth I'd ever want to do.
I'd forgotten all about that rubbish tontine But All the mysterious deaths I daresay there's not much mystery They're just desperate to sell newspapers.
Gloucester fell off the roof mucking about with the aerial, Wens and Bux died in their sleep at the pensioners' home.
And as for Stilton There's no nice way to put it.
Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
You're joking! No.
Stilton was always quite keen on that.
Remember? Always looking for something sturdy to loop his Sam Browm ne over? I do seem to recall an awful lot of loose doorknobs.
Oh, plus what he named his plane.
I always thought that had something to do with the engine.
Well Here's to you, "Choke and Stroke.
" To "Choke and Stroke!" And here's to the old Double Deuce.
God knows we had our differences, but it was I'm just, I'm just so glad to see you both.
But if you didn't come to kill us, why bring that whacking great Webley? It's Reggie's.
I stole it from his effects.
I looked everywhere for that Damned wretched of me, but I just wanted a memento.
But Reggie would've wanted you to have it, old boy I say, that's damned decent of you.
Cheers.
Took good care of her, too.
Look.
No rust.
Even the barrel's clean.
Noooooooo! Look ouuuuuuuuuut! Oh my Gawwwwd! The baybeeeeee! Rrrrgh! Nooooooo! I'm coming, Reggieeeeee! Whooo! What a move! Did you see that? That was like, like Steve McQueen and John Woo had a baby, and that baby was you, baby.
Yeah pretty hot, huh? Oh my God! You, you! No, don't thank me, thank the Ass! Unbelievably gigantic! Ass! Hey! Scripes wasn't here to kill us! He came to mourn our comrades-in-arms! Oh.
Oh?! That's all you have to say, you great flapping twit?! Oh?! Hey! Seriously Corporal Bishop! Give him the Webley! The what? What's a web Thank you, Corporal Bishop.
The pleasure was all mine Lance Corporal Woodhouse.
Damn shame he'll send you packing when he comes to.
Oh, I'll just yank his pants off, splash a lot of scotch and women's underthings about then tell him he slipped and fell, chasing a terrified Asian prostitute out onto the patio.
It's not the first time I bashed his head in and had to cover my tracks.
Happens three, four times a year - Roy? - Well Guess you and me are the last two left in the tontin, eh? Yeah.
I guess we are.
Hard to believe, eh? Well, we were the two youngest.
No, no, not that.
The fact that the Government let you two fruit batch adopt the baby.