Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s02e05 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
MY WORD,
HAVEN'T YOU LEFT YET?
MR. THORPE'S TRAIN
ARRIVES IN 20 MINUTES.
WE'RE WAITING
FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
HE'S VERY KEEN TO
PRACTICE IN COUNTRY MATTERS,
AND I PROMISED HE COULD HAVE
A GO ON THE WAY TO THE STATION.
I'LL GIVE
HIM AN HONK.
( HONKING )
MR. HUMPHRIES,
NOW APOLOGIZE
TO MR. THORPE.
EXPLAIN
THAT WE'RE TRYING
TO ECONOMIZE
AND EVERYTHING,
WHICH IS WHY WE
HAVEN'T SENT A TAXI.
I'LL TELL HIM WE ONLY
USED A GALLON OF HAY.
YOU LOOK EVER SO SMART,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
OH, THANK YOU,
MAVIS.
I READ THAT MAGAZINE
CALLED "THE FIELD."
DO YOU KNOW, THERE WAS
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN I
THAT WASN'T DRESSED
LIKE THIS?
SOMEBODY'S PU
TOO MUCH STARCH
IN THESE JODHPURS.
I CAN'T GE
ME LEG UP.
OH, REALLY,
MR. HUMPHRIES!
THANK YOU.
RIGHT.
HERE'S YOUR WHIP,
AND HERE
ARE THE REINS.
NOW, THE FIRST THING
YOU MUST DO
WITH HORSES
IS TO LET THEM KNOW
WHO'S IN CHARGE.
I SEE.
GOOD MORNING, NEDDY.
I'M MR. HUMPHRIES.
I'M THE DRIVER.
NOW I'M IN CHARGE,
SO DON'T DO ANYTHING
UNTIL I LET YOU KNOW.
HE'S PRICKED
HIS EARS UP.
DO YOU KNOW, I'VE
NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?
RIGHT, OFF YOU GO.
RIGHT.
WALKIES.
OH, SIT! SIT!
- TRY GEE-UP.
- OH, YEAH.
GEE-UP!
GOOD MORNING,
MISS LOVELOCK.
GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
NO WONDER YOU HAVE
SUCH A TRIM FIGURE
WITH ALL THAT EXERCISE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
THERE'S A FORK
IN THERE.
OH.
RIGHT.
OF COURSE.
I SUPPOSE YOU
MUST'VE DONE A BI
OF THIS YOURSELF,
WHEN YOU WERE ATTACHED
TO THE BENGAL LANCERS.
WHEN DID I
MENTION THAT?
LAST NIGHT,
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
YOUR FOURTH
AND FIFTH MARTINI.
YES, WELL, IT WAS
A SECRET OPERATION.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
SPOKEN OF IT.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
50 YEARS AGO!
OH, IT'S STILL
VERY SENSITIVE
POLITICALLY.
THEY WERE
STIRRING TIMES,
AND I WAS
DESPERATELY YOUNG.
THERE'S SO MUCH ABOUT YOU
THAT I DON'T KNOW.
DID YOU DO
ANY PIG-STICKING?
ONLY WHEN THERE WAS
AN "R" IN THE MONTH.
AND I SUPPOSE ALL THE GIRLS
WERE TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE.
OH, TERRIBLY.
WERE THEY HUNGRY
FOR MEN?
WE WERE RATIONED.
DID YOU HAVE BEARERS
AND PUNKAH WALLAHS
AND EVERYTHING?
PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING.
WISH I'D KNOWN YOU THEN.
WELL, YOU
YOU KNOW ME NOW.
YES
BUT IT'S NOT QUITE
THE SAME THING, IS IT?
WHERE'S
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
OH, HE'S OU
PLAYING THE COUNTRY GEN
SOMEWHERE.
HE'S REALLY PERKED UP
SINCE WE COME
TO THE COUNTRY.
IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S
SINCE HE MET MISS LOVELOCK.
HE'S REALLY GO
HIS TONGUE
HANGING OUT AFTER
HER, HASN'T HE?
ISN'T IT SAD
THE WAY MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
GO A BIT STUPID
WHEN SOME BIT OF A GIRL
SMILES AT THEM?
I THOUGHT SHE WAS
LAUGHING AT HIM.
THAT'S NO
WHAT HE THOUGHT.
I MEAN,
IMAGINE YOU AND I
GOING GAGA
OVER SOME YOUNG MAN
JUST BECAUSE
HE GIVES US A BI
OF COME HITHER.
OH, WELL, I STILL GE
A BIT OF, UH
COME HITHER.
WELL, SO DO I.
IN FACT I GE
QUITE A LOT OF
COME HITHER.
BUT I DON'T GO
GAGA ABOUT IT.
WOULD YOU
EVER CONSIDER
TAKING
A YOUNGER LOVER?
CERTAINLY NOT,
MISS BRAHMS.
WHAT WOULD
THE NEIGHBORS SAY?
MIND YOU,
I WOULDN'T SAY NO
TO A BIT OF DALLIANCE
WHEN ON HOLIDAY.
I'VE ALWAYS HAD
A PREFERENCE FOR OLDER MEN.
THEY HAVE MORE TO OFFER.
YES, MISS BRAHMS,
ONLY NOT SO OFTEN.
THIS IS VERY FAR
FROM THE MADDING CROWD,
ISN'T IT?
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU
YOU'VE GOT GOOD HANDS?
NOT IN THIS CONTEXT.
WHEN YOU'VE GO
A BIT MORE PRACTICE,
I'LL TEACH YOU
HOW TO HANDLE A PAIR.
( RINGING BELL )
STILL SETTING YOUR CAP
AT MY WOMAN, I SEE.
I AM NOT YOUR WOMAN,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!
ARE YOU STILL TRYING
TO COME BETWEEN US?
I'M JUST HERE TO
HANDLE THE HORSE.
IF YOU'D JUST COME UP
ON THE OTHER SIDE,
NONE OF THIS
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
YOU REMEMBER
MY WARNING TO YOU?
YES, I DO.
YOU SAID,
"NEVER GO ALONE
DOWN A DARK LANE,"
AND I SWEAR TO YOU,
I HAVEN'T BEEN NEAR ONE.
DO YOU WANT TO GET DOWN
AND HAVE IT OUT NOW?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M MEETING A TRAIN.
HE'S NOT AFRAID OF YOU,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF!
OH, NO?
HE COULD HAVE YOU
FOR BREAKFAST!
I'M ON A DIET.
YOU NAME THE TIME
AND THE PLACE,
AND I'LL BE THERE!
SORRY
TO BARGE IN
WHEN YOU GO
YOUR SNOUTS
IN THE TROUGH.
I BROUGHT YOU
SOME EGGS.
MR. MOULTERD, HOW DARE YOU
COME IN WITHOUT KNOCKING?
I'M IN
MY DRESSING GOWN.
I'VE SEEN YOU IN
A SIGHT LESS THAN THAT.
NO, MR. MOULTERD,
YOU HAVE NOT!
THIS IS ALL
IN YOUR IMAGINATION.
WAS IT ALL
IN ME IMAGINATION
WHEN YOU WAS
IN THE MISS LOVELY LEGS
COMPETITION
IN 1942 IN TIVERTON?
I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
WHO WON A LOBSTER
FOR COMING IN THIRD?
HOW MANY WAS
IN THE COMPETITION?
FOUR.
IT WAS 16!
MIND YOU,
SHE HAD A FIGURE
ON HER IN THEM DAYS.
I BET IT'S STILL THERE
SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH.
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN
LIKE THE OTHER YOUNG MEN
OF YOUR ERA
AND HAD AN OBSESSION
ABOUT BETTY GRABLE?
OOH, I DID HAVE.
BUT YOU WAS
MORE AVAILABLE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I THINK
IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT READY.
MR. THORPE'LL BE
HERE SHORTLY.
OH, WHAT DOES HE
WANT THIS TIME?
WELL, THERE'S SOME QUERY
ABOUT A CHECK
FOR A BOOKING
MADE SOME TIME AGO.
OH, WELL, I'D BETTER GO
AND RUN A BATH.
WANT YOUR BACK SCRUBBED?
MR. MOULTERD,
ONE MORE REMARK
LIKE THA
AND YOU CAN TAKE
A WEEK'S WAGES AND GO.
WELL, I AIN'T HAD
A WEEK'S WAGES YET.
RIGHT. HERE'S THE SCRAPS
FOR THE GOAT.
NOW BE OFF WITH YOU AND WE'LL
HAVE NO MORE OF YOUR LIP.
YES, MISS.
SEE, I RESPECT HER.
HOW COME HE DOES
WHAT YOU TELL HIM?
I'VE ALWAYS HAD
A WAY WITH ANIMALS.
THAT WAS VERY CHILLY
AND VERY BUMPY.
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
OH, HE HAD
TO LIE DOWN.
MAVIS HAS GO
A VERY JEALOUS
BOYFRIEND.
THERE'S A NOTE
ON IT.
YOU READ IT, MISS BRAHMS.
MY HANDS ARE STILL SHAKING.
YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY
NO HEED TO MALCOLM.
HE'S JUST LARKING ABOUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT BOYS ARE.
I'M BEGINNING TO REMEMBER.
"DON'T GO DOWN ANY LANES,
EVEN IN DAYLIGHT,
OR YOU'LL FIND
SOME ROUGH LADS
WAITING FOR YOU."
DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
COME IN, MR. THORPE.
SIT YOURSELF DOWN.
MISS LOVELOCK, POUR
MR. THORPE A DRINK.
WHAT'LL IT BE, MR. THORPE,
A WHISKEY, VODKA, GIN, BRANDY?
YES, I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
WITH A TWIST OF LEMON.
OH, I HOPE I HAVEN'
KEPT YOU WAITING,
MR. THORPE,
BUT I'VE HAD
SUCH A SHOCK.
I HEARD SUCH A MEOWING
WHEN I WAS PUTTING
MY NIGHTCLOTHES AWAY,
AND DO YOU KNOW,
I FOUND MY PUSSY TRAPPED
IN MY DRAWERS!
MAKE THAT A DOUBLE,
MISS LOVELOCK.
NOW, AS I
UNDERSTAND IT,
A BOOKING WAS MADE
SOME MONTHS AGO,
AND A CHECK WAS PAID
FOR A CULTURAL VISI
FOR A PARTY FROM
WHERE WAS IT?
OUTER MONGOLIA.
WHERE'S THAT?
NEXT TO INNER MONGOLIA.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WELL, THE CURRENCY
FROM THAT PART OF THE WORLD
FLUCTUATES A LOT.
WHAT'S THE RATE
OF EXCHANGE?
WELL, AT THE TIME
OF THE BOOKING,
THE MONGOLIAN DUNG
WAS 200 TO THE POUND,
UNFORTUNATELY,
THE DUNG HAS FALLEN.
WELL, WHERE DOES
THAT LEAVE US?
DEEP IN
THE MONGOLIAN CURRENCY.
IT STANDS TODAY
AT 500 TO THE POUND.
YES, I HAD HOPED,
MR. THORPE,
THAT THE GRACE TRUST FUND
WOULD MAKE UP
THE SHORTFALL.
NO, I'M AFRAID
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
A COUPLE OF CLAUSES
WERE TYPED IN
SHORTLY BEFORE HIS DEMISE.
WERE THEY WITNESSED?
YES, BY
MISS LOVELOCK.
I WAS THERE. I HAD TO TYPE
THEM AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
MR. GRACE TOOK OU
HIS PORTABLE
THERE AND THEN
AND MADE ME
TAKE THEM DOWN.
AHH, THE ENERGY
OF THE MAN.
HE ALSO
INITIALED THEM.
IN A VERY SHAKY HAND.
WELL, IT'S
PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
WE JUST GIVE THEM
BED AND BREAKFAST.
IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE
AS ALL THAT,
WE CONTRACTED
FOR FULL BOARD.
ALSO, WHAT YOU
MIGHT CALL A
A CULTURAL EVENT.
NOW, WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?
I THINK YOUNG MR. GRACE'S
INTENTION
WAS TO HIRE PEOPLE
FROM THE ROYAL BALLET,
AND STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
TO PERFORM EXTRACTS.
WELL, WE CERTAINLY
CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
MIND YOU, I ONCE SOLD
VANESSA REDGRAVE A RED BERET.
AND A MACKINTOSH
AND A PAIR OF PLIMSOLLS.
I WONDER
IF SHE'D REMEMBER.
THAT'S RATHER A LONGSHOT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WELL, SHE
OFTEN WEARS THEM.
WELL, DO WE HAVE
ANY OTHER CONNECTIONS
WITH THEATER OR MUSIC?
WELL, I ONCE TURNED OVER
FOR SIR MALCOLM SERGEANT.
WELL, THEY'VE PAID
THEIR MONEY,
SO THEY'LL
EXPECT SOMETHING,
BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE.
WELL, YOU CAN FORGE
THE NATIONAL OPERA
AND THE ROYAL BALLET.
LET'S SEE WHA
WE CAN FIND
IN THE LOCAL
AMATEUR SOCIETIES.
WELL, TIME IS ON OUR SIDE.
I SHALL PUT AN ADVERTISEMEN
IN THE LOCAL PAPER.
I'VE BROUGHT THE POST.
SIT YOURSELF DOWN,
MR. RUMBOLD,
I'M JUST MAKING
SOME COFFEE.
MOSTLY BILLS,
I'M AFRAID.
ANY REPLIES TO
YOUR ADVERTISEMEN
ABOUT CULTURAL TALENT?
WELL
THERE'S A MAN HERE
WHO OFFERS TO PUT FERRETS
DOWN HIS TROUSERS
TO THE STRAINS
OF HANDEL'S WATER MUSIC.
OH. HOW MANY FERRETS?
HIS RECORD IS SEVEN.
MY DAD USED
TO DO THAT.
HE USED TO PU
SIX FERRETS
DOWN HIS TROUSERS,
AND THEN DO
A CLOG DANCE,
BUT HE HAD
TO GIVE IT UP
'CAUSE THE FERRETS
WENT ON STRIKE.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
I THINK THE NOISE OF THE CLOGS
GIVE THEM AN HEADACHE.
WELL, THAT'S ALL
WE HAVE SO FAR.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN
YOUR PARCEL, MR. HUMPHRIES?
ME MOTHER'S SENT ME
ME PHOTO ALBUM.
OH, LET'S HAVE
A LOOK.
OH, NO, NO,
IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.
- OH GO ON.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S ME,
STARK NAKED,
EXCEPT FOR A NAPPY
ON A HEARTH RUG.
AWW.
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I'D BEEN TO
A FANCY DRESS PARTY.
I PASSED OU
IN THE PARLOR.
NOW, LET ME SEE
THERE'S ME AS
A LITTLE BABY, LOOK.
THERE'S ME GRANDDAD
THROWING ME IN THE AIR.
THERE'S ME GRANDDAD
MISSING ME.
THERE'S THE AMBULANCE.
AND THERE'S ME GRANDMA
STANDING ON ME
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM.
OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU NEARLY DIED?
WELL, IT WAS
TOUCH AND GO.
I WAS UNCONSCIOUS,
I WAS GOING DOWN
THIS LONG TUNNEL,
AND THERE WAS A MAN
AT THE END
WAGGING HIS FINGER
LIKE THAT.
HE SAID, "WE'RE NO
READY FOR YOU YET.
AND WE'RE NOT SURE
WHEN WE WILL BE."
DID HE HAVE WINGS
LIKE AN ANGEL?
NO, HE WAS DRESSED
AS A BUS CONDUCTOR.
DO YOU KNOW,
I BELIEVE
THERE IS A LIFE
AFTER WE POP OFF?
I BELIEVE IT'S JUS
LIKE CHURCH WINDOWS
WITH LOVELY MUSIC PLAYING
AND EVERYONE BEING
KIND TO EACH OTHER.
IT SOUNDS VERY BORING.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
AN HEATHEN UNBELIEVER?
MR. RUMBOLD!
WELL, I DID HAVE
A VERY STRANGE EXPERIENCE ONCE.
I REGRESSED
TO A PREVIOUS LIFE.
IT WAS MY DENTIS
THAT DID IT.
HE SAID I WEN
INTO A TRANCE
WHILE I WAS HAVING GAS
FOR THESE CAPS.
OH, YES, SOME OF THEM
ARE QUITE LIFELIKE.
APPARENTLY,
DURING THE TRANCE,
I REMEMBERED BEING
SOMETHING BIG IN ANCIENT EGYPT.
OH. A SPHINX?
NONE OF WHICH
BRINGS US ANY CLOSER
TO SOLVING OUR CULTURAL
ENTERTAINMENT PROBLEM.
WELL, I'M SURPRISED
THAT SO FEW PEOPLE
HAVE REPLIED
TO OUR ADVERTISEMENT.
WELL,
FOLKS ROUND HERE
DON'T LIKE
TO PUSH THEMSELVES
AND SHOW OFF.
BUT WE'VE HAD
SOME FINE SHOWS
DOWN THE VILLAGE.
OH, DAD KNOWS
ALL THE PEOPLE.
IF YOU TELL HIM
WHAT YOU WANT,
HE'LL FIND THEM
FOR YOU.
HELLO?
THIS IS
MAURICE MOULTERD.
IS YOUR MOTHER IN?
I CAN'T SPEAK
NO LOUDER.
I'M HAVING
TO SPEAK QUIE
'CAUSE I'M AT THE MANOR.
ASK YOUR MOTHER
IF SHE CAN STILL
GET HER LEGS
ROUND THAT CELLO.
HE DON'T HEAR TOO GOOD.
OH, THE POOR LITTLE LAD.
HOW OLD IS HE?
SHE CAN?
WELL, ASK HER TO GE
ROUND TO THE MANOR
THIS AFTERNOON AT 3:00.
WELL, THAT'S A FEW
I GOT FOR YA.
THERE'S THE LIST.
WELL, THAT'S REALLY
VERY GOOD.
NOW THEN,
WHO'S GOING
TO AUDITION THEM?
WELL, I WAS
AT THE BALLET SCHOOL
AS A CHILD.
I'LL HAVE A LOOK
AT THE DANCERS.
AND I KNOW QUITE
A BIT ABOUT SINGING.
OH, I'M SUCH A FAN
OF THAT NEW ZEALAND SINGER,
KIRI TIRI WHIRRY
WHAT'S-HER-NAME.
YOU AND MRS. AXELBY
USED TO DO DUETS,
DIDN'T YOU?
"NELLIE DEAN" DOWN
THE DUCK AND FEATHER.
WELL, ON OCCASION.
BUT OF COURSE
WE DID THE CLASSICS
AS WELL, YOU KNOW.
I REMEMBER ONE NIGH
AFTER CLOSING TIME,
WE DID
THE "BARBER OF SEVILLE"
IN THE SNUG.
I'LL BET HE WISHED
HE'D SUPPED UP AND GONE HOME.
I'LL VOLUNTEER
TO AUDITION ANYBODY
WHO ASPIRES TO RENDER
SHAKESPEARE.
OH, YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU HAVE SUCH A MELLOW TONE.
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'
BECOME A BBC ANNOUNCER.
SURELY YOU MUST'VE BEEN
AT SOME TIME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
IT WAS BETWEEN ME
AND ROBIN DAY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
I WAS TOO LIKABLE.
WELL, I USED TO
HAVE ELOCUTION LESSONS
BUT YOU FEEL SUCH A BERK
TALKING POSH IN CATFORD.
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A SIDE OF YOU
I'M NOT ACQUAINTED WITH,
MISS BRAHMS?
( POSH ACCENT )
THE LAZY BROWN FOX
JUMPED OVER THE BROWN COW
AND THE DOG RAN AWAY
WITH THE SPOON.
DO YOU OFTEN USE
THAT SENTENCE
IN CONVERSATION?
( POSH ACCENT )
ONLY WHEN SOMEONE
GETS UP MY HOOTER.
WHO'S THAT?
OH, THAT'S ME AND
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
SHE LOOKS
QUITE NICE.
WAS THERE ANYTHING
BETWEEN YOU TWO?
ONLY THE FENCE.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
SHE USED TO PLAY
WITH MY HORNBY.
AND I USED TO
SPRING CLEAN
HER DOLL'S HOUSE.
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY
YOU'RE SO TIDY.
YOU KEEP
OUR ROOM LOVELY.
WELL, ME MOTHER
ALWAYS SAYS,
"A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING
AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE."
YOU OUGHT TO LET ME
TAKE CARE OF ALL THAT.
GIVE YOU TIME
FOR MORE MANLY THINGS,
LIKE HAVING A SCRAP
WITH MALCOLM.
MAVIS,
I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THIS.
COULDN'T YOU WRITE HIM
A LETTER OR SOMETHING
AND SAY THERE'S
NOTHING IN IT?
WELL, I DID TRY
TO EXPLAIN TO HIM.
I TOLD HIM THAT ALL WE DO
IS SLEEP TOGETHER,
AND HE HIT THE ROOF.
COULDN'T YOUR DAD
TALK TO HIS MOM?
MALCOLM WON'T STAR
NOTHING.
UNLESS HE'S HAD
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
OR HE'S HAD A BAD DAY
ON HIS OLD TRACTOR
OR HE'S GOT THA
RINGING IN HIS EARS
OR HE LOSES AT DARTS!
WHAT'S HE LIKE
WHEN IT RAINS?
TERRIBLE!
WHAT YOU DOING?
I'M LOOKING FOR
THE WEATHER FORECAST.
ARE YOU READY FOR
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?
OH, YES, YES, YES.
SHE'S ROSINED HER BOW.
SHE'S GOING TO GIVE US
HER IMPERSONATION
OF JULIAN LLOYD WEBBER.
I HOPE SHE'S NO
GOING TO DO
ANYTHING TOO DIFFICULT.
WELL, AT HER AGE,
GETTING HER LEGS
ROUND THE CELLO AIN'T EASY.
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON!
WHY ARE WE
APPLAUDING HER?
GETTING THERE.
THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.
I THINK AS I'M
ORGANIZING THIS,
I'D BETTER DO
THE TALKING.
COULD YOU GIVE US A RESUME
OF YOUR PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE?
YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT 40 YEARS AGO,
I PLAYED
WITH SIR THOMAS BEECHAM.
STRANGELY ENOUGH I'VE JUS
READ HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
DID HE MENTION?
- MENTION WHAT?
- MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?
NOT THAT I RECALL.
I'M SURPRISED HE FORGOT.
WHERE IS YOUR INSTRUMENT,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON?
OH, I CAN'T CARRY IT,
I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE
PLAYING IT. IT'S OUTSIDE.
MR. MOULTERD,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON'S
CELLO, PLEASE.
WHEN DID YOU
MAKE YOUR DEBUT?
BEG PARDON?
WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME
YOU PERFORMED IN PUBLIC?
THAT'D BE TELLING,
WOULDN'T IT?
I THINK IT'S BETTER IF
I HANDLE THIS, PEACOCK.
WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP
PLAYING PROFESSIONALLY?
WHEN MY G-STRING BROKE
ON THE LAST NIGH
OF THE PROMS.
I WONDER IF THA
WAS UNDER SIR THOMAS?
YOUR CELLO.
IS SHE GOING TO PLAY I
OR RIDE IT?
SIR THOMAS MUST'VE BEEN
A VERY PATIENT MAN.
I'VE GIVEN HER
10 POINTS ALREADY
AND SHE HASN'T PLAYED
ANYTHING.
SHALL I START?
MAY WE KNOW WHA
THE PIECE IS CALLED?
"THE DYING SWAN,"
BY SAINT-SAENS.
SAINSBURY'S?
SAINT-SAENS.
AH.
OH, GOOD.
BUT I DON'T DO
THE TWIDDLY BITS NO MORE.
( PLAYING AMATEURISHLY )
( MEOWING ALONG )
( PLAYING HIGH NOTE )
( PLAYING I WANT TO BE HAPPY )
( ALL APPLAUDING )
ALL:
NEXT!
VERY POLITE,
THESE MONGOLIANS,
AREN'T THEY?
WITH ALL
THEIR BOWING AND THAT.
I THOUGHT THEY'D
HAVE BIG MOUSTACHES
AND SPIKES
ON THEIR HELMETS
LIKE YUL BRYNNER.
INSTEAD OF WHICH,
THE ONE WITH THE GUCCI BOOTS
LOOKS JUST LIKE
LIONEL BLAIR.
NOW, THEY SAY
THEY'RE VERY KEEN
ON RICE IN MONGOLIA,
SO I'M STEAMING LONG RICE
IN THIS POT,
AND SHORT RICE
IN THIS ONE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
OH, ABOUT THAT MUCH.
THEY'VE SENT A BOX OF FOOD
DOWN FOR THEM TO EAT.
OH. WHAT'S IN IT?
DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T READ MONGOLIAN.
THERE'S A PICTURE
ON THE TIN, THOUGH,
LOOKS LIKE A FROG
WITH ANTLERS.
OH! WHO'S DONE THAT?
IT'S THAT MALCOLM!
IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN,
MALCOLM HEATHCLIFF,
MR. HUMPHRIES'LL
GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!
HE'S RUN OFF.
HE'S FRIGHTENED OF YOU.
HAS HE SEN
YOU A MESSAGE?
HE OBVIOUSLY COULDN'
AFFORD A STAMP.
WHAT'S IT SAY?
"IF YOU GO DOWN
IN THE WOODS TODAY,
YOU'RE IN
FOR A BIG SURPRISE."
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO,
JUST TO CALL HIS BLUFF.
IF I GO, I'LL HAVE
TO CALL AN AMBULANCE.
THEY'LL BE DOWN
ANY MINUTE NOW.
NOW, ARE WE QUITE CLEAR
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO?
WELL, WE DIDN'
HAVE MUCH LUCK
WITH THE LOCAL TALENT,
BUT I THINK
WE CAN GIVE THEM
A TASTE
OF BRITISH CULTURE,
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
WELL, AS NONE OF THEM
I EXPECT WE CAN
GET AWAY WITH IT.
ONE HOPES THA
THEY'RE GOING TO GE
THEIR DUNG'S WORTH.
GOOD HEAVENS!
WHAT'S THIS?
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MRS. SLOCOMBE
ARE GOING TO
PERFORM AN EXTRAC
FROM AN OPERETTA.
THEY'RE GOING TO SING
"THE DONKEY SONG"
FROM VERONIQUE.
WHAT DOES THE DONKEY DO?
NOTHING, I HOPE.
I JUST WALKS HIM ON,
THEY SINGS,
THEN I WALKS HIM OFF.
I THINK
IT WILL BE BETTER
IF YOU KEPT HIM
AT THE BACK OUT OF SIGH
UNTIL I GIVE YOU
THE CUE, MR. MOULTERD.
OH, I'LL TETHER HIM.
COME ON.
THE INTERPRETER
GAVE ME THE MUSIC
FOR THE OUTER MONGOLIAN
NATIONAL ANTHEM,
SO WE'RE OFF
TO A GOOD START.
AH, THIS IS
MISS LONG WEE,
THE INTERPRETER.
YES, WE'VE ALREADY MET.
SO?
SO.
SO?
SO.
SO, WHAT HAPPENS?
SO, I THINK WE'RE
NEARLY READY TO BEGIN.
AH.
MISS WEE?
( PLAYING FANFARE )
TO BEGIN WITH,
THE MONGOLIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM,
PLAYED BY MR. RUMBOLD
ON THE PIANO,
AND MY DAD
ON THE GONG.
( TRANSLATING )
( PAUSES )
( CONTINUES SPEAKING )
HAVE YA DONE?
YES.
( PLAYING PIANO )
( SONG ENDS )
MAVIS:
THANK YOU.
AND NOW, FROM THE WORLD
AN EXTRACT FROM VERONIQUE
BY MASSINGER,
SUNG BY THEM WORLD RENOWNED
DUETTISTS,
PEACOCK AND SLOCOMBE.
( SAYS THREE WORDS )
HAH! GOT YA THAT TIME.
( BEGINS SONG ON PIANO )
( WHISPERED )
MR. MOULTERD, THE DONKEY!
( VAMPING ON PIANO )
WHEN DO WE START?
I'LL TELL YOU.
NOW!
BOTH:
TROT HERE AND THERE,
TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
NEVER SLIPPING,
NEVER TRIPPING ♪
DEAR LITTLE DONKEY ♪
TROTTING HERE AND THERE,
TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
A BUNCH OF CARROTS
SOON SHALL BE YOUR FARE ♪
TROT HERE AND THERE ♪
TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
NEVER SLIPPING,
NEVER TRIPPING ♪
DEAR LITTLE DONKEY ♪
TROTTING HERE AND THERE,
TAKE CARE, TAKE CARE ♪
A BUNCH OF CARROTS
SOON SHALL BE ♪
YOUR FARE ♪
YOUR FARE ♪
YOUR FARE ♪
( APPLAUSE )
AND NOW, FROM THE WORLD
A RECITEMENT OF SHAKESPEARE'S
"MERCHANT OF VENICE,"
BY A WELL-KNOWN
ELECTROCUTIONIST,
SHIRLEY BRAHMS.
( PIANO PLAYS GREENSLEEVES )
I WOULD LIKE TO
GIVE YOU MY PORTIA.
( TRANSLATING )
( SPEAKING CHINESE )
HEAD OF DELEGATION SAID
HE WAS GOING TO BUY BMW,
BUT WILL GLADLY ACCEP
YOUR OFFER OF A PORSCHE.
I'VE GO
A RIGHT BUNCH HERE!
JUST IGNORE THEM.
THE QUALITY OF MERCY
IS NOT STRAINED.
( TRANSLATING )
IT DROPPETH
( TRANSLATES )
( SHARPLY )
IT DROPPETH.
( TRANSLATES WITH SHARP TONE )
CONSIDER I
DROPPTETH, RIGHT?
( TRANSLATES )
IT FALLS AS THE GENTLE RAIN
FROM HEAVEN.
( TRANSLATING )
HOW'S SHE DOING?
SHE'S JUST COMING
TO THE END OF IT.
SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH,
SHE'S USED SOME
OF THE ORIGINAL WORDS.
WELL, OF COURSE,
WE WERE A VERY HARD
ACT TO FOLLOW.
( APPLAUSE )
TA EVER SO.
( PLAYING GREENSLEEVES )
AND NOW FROM
THE WORLD OF DRAMA
TO THE WORLD OF BALLET,
WITH AN EXTRAC
FROM "ROMEO AND JULIET,"
PLEASE WELCOME
NATASHA LOVELOCK
AND SERGEI HUMPHRIES.
( PIANO PLAYS )
WHAT HAPPENING?
IT'S ROMEO.
HE'S LOOKING
FOR JULIET.
( TRANSLATING )
( SPEAKING CHINESE )
CAN I HELP?
THEY WANT TO KNOW
WHICH ONE IS JULIET.
THE VERY
THE VERY PRETTY ONE.
( TRANSLATING )
AAH!
( PLAYING RULE, BRITANNIA )
ALL:
RULE, BRITANNIA ♪
BRITANNIA
RULES THE WAVES ♪
BRITONS NEVER,
NEVER, NEVER ♪
SHALL BE SLAVES. ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )