Axe Cop (2013) s02e05 Episode Script
Mark Frankenstein
_ The holy chamber's been breached.
Protect the Diamond! Well, cousin Rooster, for the last time, you git.
My name ain't Rooster.
It's Lord Diamond! You hear that, boys?! Rooster's called himself Lord Diamond.
The Diamond did not choose you.
You ain't a man.
You half a man.
You a half-man, half-nothin'! Y'all are wrong! And I'll show you.
I call upon the ancient words Hee-haw! Lord, I'm coming home to you.
No-oooo! One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! _ So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
_ _ I will chop your heads off! Team, time to work on our battle cries.
I'll go first, since mine is the best.
_ Sockarang, go! _ Nice.
Ralph Wrinkles, go! _ Better.
Flute Cop, you're up.
_ __ Great.
Wexter! _ Love it.
Grey Diamond! I-I-I-I-I don't have one! That's the worst battle cry ever.
No no no.
That's what I'm saying, I don't have a battle cry.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it, buddy.
It's not like you have any powers, proper training or fighting skills.
So you don't need a battle cry.
You're right, Flute Cop.
I guess I don't have much of a purpose here.
And you know what? I'm not one to hold my best friends back.
So you guys keep fighting crime and I'm gonna go find something else awesome to do.
What? You can't leave the team! - What are you gonna do for money? - Oh, don't worry about me.
Old Grey Diamond here, he lands on his feet.
Whoa, did Grey Diamond just quit? Because he doesn't get unemployment if he quits.
I told him that.
You look so dumb with that big diamond on your head, bro.
Guess I don't need this stupid thing anymore.
Welcome to my pawnshop.
What can I pawn for you today? What's up, bro? I got a big diamond on my head and I gotta pawn this A.
S.
A.
Possible.
Hmm.
Where'd you get that, ace? Well, my low-energy friend, pull up a chair, 'cause I got a story that's gonna blow your head off.
You see, people didn't always call me Grey Diamond.
No no.
My parents thought "Frankenstein" was a pretty cool name, so they called me Mark Frankenstein.
Wait.
You're world-renowned diamond expert - Mark Frankenstein? - Oh wow.
I haven't heard that name in years, bro.
I lectured on some of the most controversial diamond theories of my day.
The legendary Grey Diamond holds unlimited power.
Whoever possesses that power can do anything.
Tomorrow we're gonna pick up on how diamonds can tell you your destiny if you listen really closely.
Whoo.
Hey, Sergeant G, my old partner! High fives! I thought they were shipping you out - to the chicken head war.
- Mark, I need your help.
Some miners in Alabama found a diamond.
The army wants to cut it up and sell it to get rich.
That doesn't concern me.
I'm a professor now of children.
My diamond-hunting days are long behind me, best friend.
No no, don't worry about it, no.
I-I I understand.
Oh, and by the way, that diamond they found? It's grey.
It's grey.
It's grey.
It's grey.
Oh, bro.
The Grey Diamond.
Nobody's been able to pull this diamond out.
I guess we're just gonna have to cut it out.
Stop right there! Nobody cuts this diamond! Mark Frankenstein? No one respects you or your crazy diamond theories.
Now stand back.
Cut through him if you have to.
No-oooo! What the heck? Grey Diamond! But turns out the grey diamond has no powers.
At all.
Like zero.
Yep, just kind of a cool hat really.
Great story.
I'll give you $15 for it.
- For $15 you can have the outfit also.
- Yeah, I'm gonna - I'm gonna pass on the suit.
- Nice! American History Museum, how may I direct your call? Hey, buddy, you're not gonna believe this, but you know that diamond you keep calling about? - Somebody brought it in.
- I never called about a I'll be right there, city boy.
What are you having, Axe Cop? - Do you have babies? - Babies? Huh, no! Good, because they're disgusting.
My mom used to make me eat 'em all the time to stay healthy.
Oh.
And for you, s What the heck?! The souls of everything are getting sucked up and they're heading Downtown! You're not going anywhere, soul! This is the best $15 I've ever spent, bro.
- Libor - Liborg, no! What's going on? Someone's gotta stop all this! Where's Axe Cop? Hee-haw! Lord Diamond! You're supposed to be on display at the American History Museum in the ancient Alabama exhibit.
I was layin' low, bidin' my time till I could get my hot lil' hands on the Grey Diamond.
And with the power of this here Grey Diamond, I'm gonna be half-man half-everything! Oh my gosh! Grey Diamond Grey Diamond.
Now listen closely, I need to tell you your destiny.
My theory was right! Diamonds can tell you your destiny.
You must stop half-man, half-everything from getting Axe Cop's soul.
Me? But I don't even have a battle cry.
I'm just a regular guy that used to have a giant diamond for a head before I pawned it for $15.
The Grey Diamond chose you to protect Axe Cop.
It's your destiny.
I have a destiny and it's to protect Axe Cop?! Yeah! Best destiny ever! All right.
Hey, let go of Axe Cop's soul! Grey Diamond? What are you doing here? What I was born to do: protect you! So the ancients have sent their so-called chosen one to defeat me? You're nothing, Mark Frankenstein! Nothing! But if you join me, you can be half of everything! A building, Mark! You could be a truck! You could be a ladder.
A real destiny.
I'm sorry, Lord Muchacho.
I already got a destiny.
- Whoa ho ho! - I got my soul back! Yay! Oh, I'm so happy I can keep waitressing.
Wexter! Awesome! You don't have to say thank you.
It's my destiny to protect you.
Oh, that's a great battle cry: I protect Axe Cop's soul! Nailed it.
- Hey, wanna hear my battle cry again? - No! _ Don't ever touch my axe again.
Protect the Diamond! Well, cousin Rooster, for the last time, you git.
My name ain't Rooster.
It's Lord Diamond! You hear that, boys?! Rooster's called himself Lord Diamond.
The Diamond did not choose you.
You ain't a man.
You half a man.
You a half-man, half-nothin'! Y'all are wrong! And I'll show you.
I call upon the ancient words Hee-haw! Lord, I'm coming home to you.
No-oooo! One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! _ So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
_ _ I will chop your heads off! Team, time to work on our battle cries.
I'll go first, since mine is the best.
_ Sockarang, go! _ Nice.
Ralph Wrinkles, go! _ Better.
Flute Cop, you're up.
_ __ Great.
Wexter! _ Love it.
Grey Diamond! I-I-I-I-I don't have one! That's the worst battle cry ever.
No no no.
That's what I'm saying, I don't have a battle cry.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it, buddy.
It's not like you have any powers, proper training or fighting skills.
So you don't need a battle cry.
You're right, Flute Cop.
I guess I don't have much of a purpose here.
And you know what? I'm not one to hold my best friends back.
So you guys keep fighting crime and I'm gonna go find something else awesome to do.
What? You can't leave the team! - What are you gonna do for money? - Oh, don't worry about me.
Old Grey Diamond here, he lands on his feet.
Whoa, did Grey Diamond just quit? Because he doesn't get unemployment if he quits.
I told him that.
You look so dumb with that big diamond on your head, bro.
Guess I don't need this stupid thing anymore.
Welcome to my pawnshop.
What can I pawn for you today? What's up, bro? I got a big diamond on my head and I gotta pawn this A.
S.
A.
Possible.
Hmm.
Where'd you get that, ace? Well, my low-energy friend, pull up a chair, 'cause I got a story that's gonna blow your head off.
You see, people didn't always call me Grey Diamond.
No no.
My parents thought "Frankenstein" was a pretty cool name, so they called me Mark Frankenstein.
Wait.
You're world-renowned diamond expert - Mark Frankenstein? - Oh wow.
I haven't heard that name in years, bro.
I lectured on some of the most controversial diamond theories of my day.
The legendary Grey Diamond holds unlimited power.
Whoever possesses that power can do anything.
Tomorrow we're gonna pick up on how diamonds can tell you your destiny if you listen really closely.
Whoo.
Hey, Sergeant G, my old partner! High fives! I thought they were shipping you out - to the chicken head war.
- Mark, I need your help.
Some miners in Alabama found a diamond.
The army wants to cut it up and sell it to get rich.
That doesn't concern me.
I'm a professor now of children.
My diamond-hunting days are long behind me, best friend.
No no, don't worry about it, no.
I-I I understand.
Oh, and by the way, that diamond they found? It's grey.
It's grey.
It's grey.
It's grey.
Oh, bro.
The Grey Diamond.
Nobody's been able to pull this diamond out.
I guess we're just gonna have to cut it out.
Stop right there! Nobody cuts this diamond! Mark Frankenstein? No one respects you or your crazy diamond theories.
Now stand back.
Cut through him if you have to.
No-oooo! What the heck? Grey Diamond! But turns out the grey diamond has no powers.
At all.
Like zero.
Yep, just kind of a cool hat really.
Great story.
I'll give you $15 for it.
- For $15 you can have the outfit also.
- Yeah, I'm gonna - I'm gonna pass on the suit.
- Nice! American History Museum, how may I direct your call? Hey, buddy, you're not gonna believe this, but you know that diamond you keep calling about? - Somebody brought it in.
- I never called about a I'll be right there, city boy.
What are you having, Axe Cop? - Do you have babies? - Babies? Huh, no! Good, because they're disgusting.
My mom used to make me eat 'em all the time to stay healthy.
Oh.
And for you, s What the heck?! The souls of everything are getting sucked up and they're heading Downtown! You're not going anywhere, soul! This is the best $15 I've ever spent, bro.
- Libor - Liborg, no! What's going on? Someone's gotta stop all this! Where's Axe Cop? Hee-haw! Lord Diamond! You're supposed to be on display at the American History Museum in the ancient Alabama exhibit.
I was layin' low, bidin' my time till I could get my hot lil' hands on the Grey Diamond.
And with the power of this here Grey Diamond, I'm gonna be half-man half-everything! Oh my gosh! Grey Diamond Grey Diamond.
Now listen closely, I need to tell you your destiny.
My theory was right! Diamonds can tell you your destiny.
You must stop half-man, half-everything from getting Axe Cop's soul.
Me? But I don't even have a battle cry.
I'm just a regular guy that used to have a giant diamond for a head before I pawned it for $15.
The Grey Diamond chose you to protect Axe Cop.
It's your destiny.
I have a destiny and it's to protect Axe Cop?! Yeah! Best destiny ever! All right.
Hey, let go of Axe Cop's soul! Grey Diamond? What are you doing here? What I was born to do: protect you! So the ancients have sent their so-called chosen one to defeat me? You're nothing, Mark Frankenstein! Nothing! But if you join me, you can be half of everything! A building, Mark! You could be a truck! You could be a ladder.
A real destiny.
I'm sorry, Lord Muchacho.
I already got a destiny.
- Whoa ho ho! - I got my soul back! Yay! Oh, I'm so happy I can keep waitressing.
Wexter! Awesome! You don't have to say thank you.
It's my destiny to protect you.
Oh, that's a great battle cry: I protect Axe Cop's soul! Nailed it.
- Hey, wanna hear my battle cry again? - No! _ Don't ever touch my axe again.