Beaver Falls (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Mac got high last night and he snogged Barry.
- It doesn't matter.
Everyone experiments.
- I'm sorry.
No.
Please take it back.
If any part of you did see this as a way to get her back on the market I was looking out for her.
This is where I tell you to stay the hell away from A-Rab.
Does this mean you'll be getting back with Jake? Hey, whoa! You're under orders to win back my daughter.
Last summer you screwed my wife, but you won't be soiling any member of my family this year.
This is everyone you slept with last summer? This is everyone? Yeah.
Everyone.
Why shouldn't I have some fun? I'll be seeing you soon, Spencer.
Do you think it'll be like a meteor? I'd get wasted and go skinny dipping.
I can't die now.
I'm too young.
I'd get laid as many times as I can starting with the Christian bunk! I'm cashing in my gold, buying the staff of Elomere and going on an orc-killing spree! It's not right out there.
Those kids are up to something.
The world's ending tonight.
Is that my toothbrush? I dunno.
Why's the world ending? Some nutcase reckons he's worked it out from the Bible.
I only got one day left? Man, I'm never gonna tap Halle Berry.
It's starting to look that way, mate.
Why are you using my toothbrush? All right, Princess, didn't know you needed your own special brush.
- Is the world really ending tonight, Flynn? - Don't ask me, mate.
I've got a shaky relationship with mortality as it is.
It's just a cheap publicity stunt by some second-rate Nostradamus.
Well, if the world really is ending, I'm not spending my last day surrounded by you sad bastards.
All campers to flagpole for an important message.
Not life or death important, just relevant.
Hi.
If I had anything to do with you and Mac It's fine.
Honestly.
Good.
Cos I wasn't sure if you were OK.
I am.
It's only you're hiding behind a tree.
Hey, guys, have you seen Rachael? Come here.
I just thought I heard Mac.
I think the coast is clear.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing talking to a tree? I thought I saw a squirrel.
Do you not get them in England? No.
You mustn't be scared, they're quite tame.
Cheers.
You haven't seen Rachael? No.
I haven't seen her.
I think she's still pretty cut up about what happened.
Yet remains strong-willed and fiercely independent.
I just I wish she wouldn't keep running away from me.
Running away from you?! Oh my God, Rachael, how long have you been there? Just to clarify, Mac, when a girl's husband announces that he's gay, it's quite acceptable for her to take a few days to reflect on the situation.
Yeah, but it was nothing you did.
I never said that it was! Though clearly, you think that.
Maybe I repulsed you into being gay? A-Rab.
Do you think Mac was gay when we met? That's a contentious issue.
Some people believe Rach, I'm as confused about this as anybody.
Probably more.
But all I do know is at the moment this is about me and it has nothing to do I'm so sorry.
Good morning, campers.
Hello.
Morning.
Let me just start off by saying, the world is ending in approximately a billion years! Now, this is just like any other day, so there will be no bucket list nonsense, or living life like there's no tomorrow, because there is a tomorrow and it will be a most unpleasant day for any rule breakers.
Am I clear? Nothing has changed which is why tonight, as planned, it's going to be movie night, a chance to forget about the apocalypse and escape into the magical world of cinema.
We meet at the amphitheatre for a night that promises to be just like any other.
Rachael, good news! I have been given the honour of organising movie night, and so naturally I'll be delegating many of my responsibilities to you.
I have a lot of work to do.
That's the spirit.
OK, so we'll need tickets, popcorn, balloons, bunting, hot dogs, nachos You know what, it'll be easier if I just e-mail it to you.
Sent.
OK.
Bye.
So, it's our last day on earth together.
What do you do? That's easy.
I'd have a threesome.
Really, Barry? Oh, don't worry.
With you.
And someone else.
Obviously.
Have anyone in mind? This is one of those traps, isn't it? Aw, you're learning.
So what about you? What would you do? If it was the last day on earth? I'd spend it with my family and friends, talk about all the good times we've shared.
Let everyone that I cared about know that I love them.
Wow.
That sounds really nice.
I suppose there might still be time for that after the threesome.
How about this for Mac? Brokeback Mountain? Don't be cruel.
What? He grew up on a farm.
Fine.
Milk? It won an Oscar Nothing that's going to upset anyone.
If we aren't doing anything to upset anyone then why were you hanging out with Rachael this morning? I wasn't hanging out with Rachael, I just happened to bump into Over it.
Let's have sex now.
What? Unless you aren't attracted to me any more.
Of course I am.
A-Rab, I'm hot, I'm here and I am easily suggestible.
It's the holy trinity.
Can we meet somewhere later? Somewhere the boss might not find us? Promise? Because if you don't give me any then, I hear there are four burly horsemen on their way who are up for it.
Right.
Four horsemen of the a-cock-alypse.
OK, please, please, please stop, please stop.
Perfect.
I'll go and give it to Rachael I'll take it if you like.
Oh no, that's OK.
I'm sure you've got better things to be doing.
Ah good, there you are.
I need to go over a few things for tonight.
Now I want popcorn, hotdogs, nachos Sure.
- .
.
The whole nine yards.
- Done, done and done.
So, I bumped into A-Rab this morning.
Oh, God.
What? You're going back onto A-Rab.
No.
I definitely am not.
Rach, you are just another soldier in the war on dating.
So, you trod on a gay landmine, it could happen to anyone.
You gotta get back out there.
Try straight, available men and your self-esteem will rocket.
You are wasted as a lifeguard.
I know, right? OK.
I got to go.
Hope has given me all her work to do.
What a bitch, you should totally screw her boyfriend.
Is she still cut up about Mac? Yeah.
Poor bastard's been beating himself up about it all week.
He broke her heart.
You don't think people can come back from a break up? He's gay, Jake.
Maybe I'm not talking about them.
So, word is Barry wants a threesome.
Wish I'd seen your face when he put that forward.
That's the one.
Hope you let him down gently.
Who says I let him down at all? Hmm, Kimberley, getting curious? You know I'm searching for even the smallest part of this situation that's any of your business.
All right, but, ah, the world is ending, you know.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? I don't know.
Dude.
Thanks.
Wow.
Why are we even doing this if the world is ending? The world is not ending.
It's ending! They can't breathe! You can have first dibs on mouth-to-mouth.
I'll save them.
Er Er, well - Hey.
- Hey! So, er, what do you recommend? Meatloaf looks good.
Yeah, if he lost weight and cut his hair maybe.
You look really pretty today, Rachael.
Don't you think so A-Rab? Well, yes.
But, I mean, I think everyone looks good, you know? I mean, you look good, Thurston, and I can say that cos friends can say that to each other even if they have a girlfriend.
Or they're getting over a marriage.
Right I'm going to sit down now.
Hey.
Hey.
No point working if we're all going to be dead tomorrow.
I'd take a gamble on it all being complete bollocks.
You never know, might be the last night for us to have some fun together.
Pam, stop.
I can't, I'm sorry.
There's a girl.
There's always a girl.
This one's special.
I think I might love her, as it happens.
You don't fall in love.
Imagine my surprise.
I'm sorry, Pam.
PJ, it wasn't what it looked like.
Really? Because it looked like she was being a complete whore.
She was just trying to engage in some innocent flirtation which I gently rebuffed.
My mother doesn't do innocent flirtation.
She does aggressive seduction.
You are in her sights.
I've told her I'm not interested.
What's the problem? Let's get it all out in the open.
No more secrets.
PJ? This isn't your mother's birthday party and I'm not your arsehole date.
Nothing's going to happen with her.
It's just you and me.
OK? OK.
What the hell was that about? What? "You look pretty today, Rachael.
" I saw you kissing her just before lunch.
You may think that's what you saw No, that's definitely what I saw.
It's OK.
I won't tell.
You should get with Rachael.
She's nice and kind and you loved her all last summer.
Thurston I know you like Hope too but letting Rachael slip through your fingers when she's suddenly available and there's one week of summer left? I thought you liked Hope? Hey, you.
Nothing.
What? I mean hi.
How are you? I'm having the day from hell.
No time for lunch.
I'm eating al-desko but I should be all done in time for our little trip later.
I can't wait.
See you at three.
See you at three Three o'clock.
I've been thinking about that thing you were talking about.
How I'd have survived Jurassic Park? The other thing.
How Coco Pops taste different here? The threesome, Barry.
Oh, right.
Oh, right! I suppose I could be persuaded.
Really? If you can find a suitable third member and a place we can be alone, then I'm in.
Oh, my God.
Is this really happening? It's really happening.
Hey.
Looking forward to movie night? It's the highlight of my social calendar.
I saw you talking to Flynn.
I would have stepped in and stopped you but seeing you embarrass yourself passes for entertainment here.
Mom, Flynn's my boyfriend.
I wanted to let you know in case you were planning any more gross or totally inappropriate moves on him.
Well, this is a nice surprise.
My two girls getting along.
What's the gossip? I was just dropping by to let Mom know that Flynn and I are an item.
You and Spencer?! We're all a little busy here today.
Why don't we discuss this another time? Bobby, no.
Pamela, get my .
45! Please let me try and deal with this.
If you come down hard on her now she'll dig her heels in.
You know she will.
Kimberley said yes to a threesome? Yep What? It's a trap.
Well, if it is, it's a very sexy one.
Mate, here's how it goes.
You ask her for a threesome.
She says yes.
You turn up, the third person is a bloke so you either have to admit you're a twat or watch your girlfriend have sex with him, I suppose.
Nah, she wouldn't ruin our threesome by inviting another bloke.
She already ruined it by inviting you.
Ha-ha-ha Anyway you're wrong because she's asked me to find the third person.
So all you have to do is find another girl in this camp willing to have sex with you? Yep.
Hm.
She's smarter than I thought.
I know, yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
Look, about earlier.
The kiss thing.
It was wrong.
Oh, God, yeah.
I totally agree.
We probably should just forget it happened.
Absolutely.
Because you are with Hope.
And you're on the rebound.
Yeah.
But I do think it'd be good to talk.
Not about us but about I don't know, everything that's happening with you, maybe.
You mean with Mac and everything? Yeah.
Yeah, a friendly chat as friendly friends.
I don't think your girlfriend will be happy with me talking to you.
Hey, I can talk to whoever I want.
But let's meet somewhere quiet.
Barry's shed? I have some time at three.
I will see you later, then.
OK.
Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
Hello! It's OK, I told my parents about us.
- What?! - You should have seen their faces.
Why the hell would you do that? Flynn! Why the hell would I do that? Er, because my mom wants to fuck you? Didn't you think of asking me first? I did not know that I had to run everything by you.
I just mean it's going to cause problems.
Wasn't it working out before? Oh! Are you scared of my dad? Promise you'll still love me when he cuts my nuts off? I did not say that I loved you in the first place.
Oh, hey! Hey.
Look, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to meet you later.
I mean, if I could make it, I would but Something happened earlier.
Did soccer get rescheduled again? Yeah, it did.
No.
I have to tell you that me and I'm having the worst day, honey.
All these bed-wetters keep telling me the world is gonna end.
You know how I get about negative energy.
It's amazing I can function as guidance councillor at all.
And the only thing getting me through today is seeing you later.
Bye.
Are you OK? I'm fine.
Mate, I'm just double booked.
I said I'd see Hope later but now I've arranged football practice.
And I don't know if football practice is a good idea.
Actually, I'm pretty sure it isn't.
Only thing is, I want to practise football, Thurston.
There's, like, a week left and I really, really don't want to let football practice slip through my fingers again.
Maybe I can help.
There are only a few things I've ever loved, Spencer.
My daughter, because she's the apple of my eye.
My wife, because she's the girl of my dreams.
And my country, because it has a lax attitude to gun control.
Can you see where I'm going with this? I thought the golf buggy would make your top three.
You have two options.
You can just end it with her or you can continue seeing her and I'll tell her you were sticking it to her mother all last summer.
You'd break her heart.
Really? Look at you, you've got one less arm than last year.
Maybe next time it'll be a leg, or the ability to feed yourself, or wipe your own ass.
A little heartbreak is nothing compared to what you're serving up.
End it today! OK, ready, guys? One and two Barry, I need to use the shed.
What for? Me and Hope need a place to, er You know.
You want to use my shagging cabin? Yes.
It's in use all afternoon.
A threesome must take priority, as your mum always says.
Nice.
But why would a pretend threesome take priority? Cos there's more of us.
Two girls, four boobs.
You do the sexy math.
I will give you a million pounds if it actually happens.
Great.
I'll spend it all on condoms.
Do I need to remind you that you owe me one? Oh, no, you can't do that.
I'm doing it.
No, you only get to play the ankle tag card once.
It's on the table.
Ankle tag beats four boobs.
You're breaking my heart.
Yet I feel nothing.
I would have done a lot for that trump card.
Hope the sex is worth the sacrifice.
OK, put your back into it.
Come on.
One, two, three.
Up and down! Ah! Thurston.
I knew sooner or later you'd be knocking on my door.
I don't want any trouble.
Well, what do you want, Thurston? Guidance? Up, down, up, down.
Come on, put some effort in.
Organising a threesome is harder than the internet has you believe.
What happened? Firstly, I couldn't find a third person.
A threesome? No fucking way.
I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that, Barry.
Secondly, I don't have a location because five weeks ago I got A-Rab arrested and now he won't let me have sex.
I couldn't organise a hand job in a wank factory.
Well, er, you know, I might have an idea, if you're still interested.
Hi.
Hi.
So how are you? I'm fine.
We kissed this morning.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about that.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I didn't want you to think I was trying it on with you.
No, of course not.
I know that you care about Hope.
Yeah, of course I do.
I just wouldn't want to be that guy.
No, you're not that guy.
You're sweet and you're kind.
I don't know if I am.
If I was, I wouldn't What? We shouldn't.
And then when I was six my teacher stole my candy bar because she said I hadn't had dessert and you mustn't eat dessert before mains.
What kind of rule is that? I'm scared the world's going to end and I'll never see my mom again.
If the world ended it'd probably be the best thing for you.
Why? I'm not going to sugar coat the truth because, let's be honest, you'd probably try and eat it.
You're young, overweight and gay.
Your life is going to be miserable until your early 20s when you work out you can be everyone's big fat camp friend.
The one who's loads of fun but secretly depressed because the men you like aren't attracted to you.
You'll disappear for a few years.
When you come back you'll have a washboard stomach and an addiction to steroids that's given you the body you always craved but left you narcissistic, tedious and prone to violent mood swings.
You'll eventually realise that you miss the old you but by then your friends will have left and all the men you're with only want you for your abs.
You'll be so dependent on the roids and the one-night stands that, well, there's no going back.
They'll find your corpse when the smell gets too much for the neighbours in the singles apartment complex you end up in, sad and alone.
So if the world does end tonight at least you'll be spared all that.
I hope this has been of some comfort to you.
I'm not the sort of person that does this.
No, I mean, you were only just married.
Have you seen A-Rab? I thought you were supposed to be in my shed? No.
No.
No, because that was Flynn and PJ.
I always get you guys mixed up.
Probably cos you all look so similar.
Wait.
Have you tried the other side of the camp? That way.
Way over there.
No? 'Attention, campers.
Just a reminder that the world is not ending.
'Remember, the world is not ending today.
' A-Rab? Hey, where are you hurrying off to? Nothing.
I mean, nowhere.
Your hair's all messed up.
It is? You have sex hair.
I do not.
Rachael, who gave you sex hair? Nobody! I just have really horrible hair.
You have gorgeous hair.
It is thick and shiny and full of life and somebody has been messing with it.
Oh, be quiet.
Did you make up with Mac? Ooh, Rachael had make-up sex with Mac? He's gay.
Yeah, but you're hot.
You know just because you are disgustingly loved up doesn't mean that everybody else is.
I am not disgustingly loved up.
Please.
The serial commitment-phobe who hooks up and denies that she's falling in love? That is like every Ryan Reynolds movie.
She's right.
You're totally screwed.
Ha! And you need to give Mac a break.
Jake says he's really upset about everything.
Well since when are we having heart to hearts with Jake? Yeah, since when are we having hearts to hearts with Jake? I liked it when we were talking about the sex hair.
OK, that is my cue to leave.
Bye.
I do not love Flynn.
Sure.
Showering in the middle of the afternoon.
You dirty bastard.
Do you ever actually do your jobs? How was it then? The shagging? Mind your own business.
I had to rearrange a threesome at great inconvenience for this so the least you can do is tell me.
Hope enjoy herself? It's all right, we know she wasn't there.
Barry bumped into her.
What did you tell her? Don't worry, I covered for you.
I spun her an intricate web of lies, a complicated maze of intrigue and enigma.
Your secret's perfectly safe.
Fuck! So, who were you with? Rachael.
Jesus, you don't like an easy life, do you? Hang on, I'm the only one who hasn't had sex with Rachael.
I wonder what her policy on threesomes is Fuck's sake, Barry.
What's wrong with you? Bobby knows about me and PJ.
And he's threatening to tell her about you and Pam? If I don't split up with her.
So, what will you do? Split up with her.
You can't let the summer camp Nazi push you around.
He's right though, isn't he, this way's best for everyone.
Best for you, you mean, get to avoid a fight like always.
Hey, so I hear the threesome's on then, huh? Is this where I went wrong? What do you mean? Guess, if you'd have asked me when we were together what I'd like to do if it was the last night on earth I'd have said something stupid, y'know about how it'd be just you and me, a couple of candles, maybe a bottle of something we both liked, being together, knowing that we were two of the luckiest people in the world for having found happiness.
But I guess what I should have said is that I'd like to have nasty group sex.
Live and learn.
You didn't say a whole lot of anything when we were together.
Yeah, well.
Different man now, Kim.
Concentrate concentrate.
OK, throw the ball.
Hi, you wanna play? I should warn you I had a trial for the Lakers.
Oh, you got your serious face on.
I sense something dramatic.
I'm breaking up with you.
Because I lied about basketball? I'm serious, PJ.
This is for real? Yeah.
It's the right thing to do.
How is this the right thing to do? I thought that we were good? It's what we do.
We fuck around.
Neither of us wants to settle down.
Is this because I told my parents? No.
I've just been thinking about it for a while and I'm sorry, but it's not going anywhere.
Christ, Flynn.
I had to break down some really well-built emotional barriers to make this relationship work.
Why, though? Don't you think you were happier before? Well, yeah, no I do now! Was this your plan all along? To make me fall Feel something for you and then to fuck off? Summer's almost over.
And this was the best way that you could think of ending things? I'm a rip-the-plaster-off sort of man.
Nice and quick.
No pain.
Good job.
Fucking arsehole.
I'm sticking with you Tackle Cos I'm made out of glue Hi.
I tried to get away but I got waylaid.
That's OK.
Come on, we're going for a drive.
If this was a cold war we could keep each other warm And I said on the first occasion that I met Marie We were crawling through the hatch that was the missile door Mac, Mac, I need your advice.
I'm supposed to be at a threesome but Flynn split up with PJ so shouldn't be on his own now.
He needs a friend but Kimberley's expecting me and, although this has never come up before, I've a feeling you don't stand up your girlfriend when she's organised group sex.
Jesus, what is it with everybody? All I'm hearing is, "Why won't my boyfriend commit, Mac?" "Do these shoes make my calves look fat, Mac?" I mean, what am I, an agony aunt? No, dude, you're everyone's new gay best friend.
I don't want to be everybody's new gay best friend.
I totally understand.
Only I'm in a bit of a hurry here - OK, but this is the last time we do this.
- Agreed.
Even if Kimberley really is throwing you a threesome, which I doubt, then you've still got to put your friends first.
Tell her you're sorry and explain that Flynn really needs you right now and she'll understand.
Best gay best friend ever.
OK.
Buckle up.
This is going to be fun.
I don't approve of you smoking that.
I found it in your drawer, Mom.
Then I don't approve of you stealing that.
Good news by the way, Flynn is single.
You should totally go for it.
What happened? He broke up with me, obviously.
Ladies Aww, this is nice, the woman that raised me and my mother all together in one place.
A tender sentiment indeed.
PJ just broke up with her boyfriend.
Who's the schmuck? Flynn.
Apparently "it's not going anywhere.
" I guess he just looked at his life and thought "I don't have anything to offer her".
What do you mean? He's only got a few good months left and then everything you like about him is going to disappear.
He's just being noble.
You know what, I've got to go.
No, that's not what I was getting at Thanks, Mom.
Er, you sort of missed the turning.
The Point's back that way.
The Point's boring.
Up here is way more fun.
What's up here? You'll see.
I can't believe it.
You're single and I'm not.
I'm a little bit heartbroken here, mate.
Sorry.
Here's something that'll cheer you up - if you swap the letters around in this place you get "Feaver Balls".
"Feaver Balls"? Haven't you got a pretend threesome to be getting to? Nah.
No, I'm all right.
Threesomes come and go but friends are forever.
Think you might have got that the wrong way round.
I mean, what would I do with two girls? I hardly know what to do with one.
And really, if it was the end of the world all I'd want is to be with her.
The only thing is, mate, the world really is ending for you.
You don't know what I'd do to change that, but I can't Well, there it is.
You know if you lose PJ now, then that's it for you guys, there's no second chances.
You're stoned, aren't you? Incredibly.
Well, at least you didn't end up dining alone.
Can I help you? I was passing by, didn't hear the sound of a wild orgy.
So you know, got concerned.
Incredibly sweet of you.
Barry has no idea how lucky he is.
- He knows.
- You think? He thought he was going to be the filling in a girl-on-girl sandwich but instead you hijacked his sex fantasy with this sneaky, underhanded, tastefully put together romantic evening.
That sort of thing can throw a guy.
Maybe that's why he's a no-show.
He's not a no-show, he's only incredibly late.
Anyway, when he gets here and he sees it's just me he'll be relieved.
We're kidding around, it's what we do.
We're a fun couple.
Does Barry know you're a "fun couple"? He thinks you're serious about him.
Don't twist my words.
You know I'm serious about him.
Like that time that you got me to pretend to be your boyfriend for your dad? That was different.
That was real life and this is Beaver Falls.
Where you two can thrive as the kooky couple that nobody saw coming.
I should leave you and the sex doll to work out what you're going to do in a week - when you have to break up with him.
- Who says I'm breaking up with him? It is a summer fling for you, but for him, you're his happily ever after.
I feel for the guy.
I know what it means to lose you.
I miss you, Kim, can you say that you don't miss me? Uh, seriously - where are we going? Tell me, A-Rab.
Do you want me to be happy? Of course.
Would you ever do anything to hurt me? Hope Would you ever do anything to hurt me? Hope Would you ever do anything to hurt me? No.
So you wouldn't cheat on me? That beeping means you have 60 seconds to get back into your curfew zone - before you're arrested and deported.
- Jesus! Hope, stop the car.
Did you fuck Rachael? - No! - Liar! All right, all right! OK, I did.
I did and I'm sorry.
Tell me she means nothing to you.
I can't go to jail.
So convince me! Popcorn, anybody? Yeah, popcorn.
Phone call! There you go.
Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope.
Hi, yeah, you're supposed to be helping me 'Rachael means nothing to me! I swear to god.
' It was the worst sex ever, it was like humping a pillow.
I mean no wonder Mac's gay.
I mean what was I thinking?! 'Actually, I know what I was thinking, ' I was thinking of you the whole time.
Yeah, I regret it, I regret it so much.
I don't even care about her.
'I don't care about Rachael!' Please, just stop! You've got 30 seconds.
Best of luck.
Rachael can have my bunny Eliza, Mac can have my Cranbrook bracelet, my mommy can Sorry.
What you got there, kid? It's my will.
In case we all die tonight.
Oh, wait.
No, listen, kiddo, I figure you got to hear this from a responsible adult and, well, in the absence of any suitable candidates I guess I'll have to do but the world is not ending tonight.
You're fine.
No, I'm not.
Hope says if the world doesn't end then I'll be a sad, fat, gay man and get addicted to steroids and die alone in a singles' apartment complex.
Wait, no, no.
Listen, Thurston, your life is not predetermined.
Nobody makes those choices but you and you know a lot more than I did when I was your age, and you're gonna be fine, trust me.
Thanks.
'Grab your hot dogs and take a seat, 'movie night is about to begin.
' I am the Super Bowl of gay best friends.
Oh, my God, Rachael.
I'm so glad I found you.
You're never going to believe what just happened.
Was it terrible? Was whatever happened the worst occurrence of that particular act you've ever had? No, listen, Hope is crazy.
Yeah, I think I've mentioned it once or twice.
Yeah, well, I should've listened to you.
Oh, my God.
It's so good to see you.
So, out of curiosity, who was the third person? So, what's the number of steroids I could take to lose weight but not go crazy? None.
The number you can take is none.
Oh I see.
What's wrong? "She meant nothing to me, it was the worst sex I ever had.
" Ring any bells? Oh, shit "Like humping a pillow.
" Rachael I heard every word.
If I'd known that you were with Flynn then I guess I would've never have ended up eating alone.
But it's fine.
We look out for our friends.
We're a fun couple.
We are a fun couple.
No, no, you have to understand, I was under duress, by a mad woman.
I didn't mean anything I said Whatever, A-Rab.
You know what? Just so you know, it didn't rock my world either.
In fact, you're pretty shit in bed yourself.
Well, follow her, you moron! Yeah, follow her, you bad-in-bed asshole.
You're right.
But not about the bad in bed thing, obviously.
Hey, A-Rab! Hey.
Where's he going? If the other one needs you, you'd better go.
So, I figured out why you made a huge mistake and dumped me.
You think you're being chivalrous.
It's the way it has to be.
Sometimes when you speak, it's like you're reading out of a teenage girl's diary.
You do know I'm dying, don't you? Horribly, slowly, painfully.
That's got to count for something.
Uh no.
No, you used the death's door card way too many times.
Shit.
So what now? Campers, welcome to movie night.
You'll notice from the lack of flaming rivers of lava that we have not witnessed the Apocalypse.
It has been just another day at Beaver Falls.
So, without much further ado, let the show begin.
'Earth - survivors of volcanic eruption, 'deadly earthquakes and vicious tsunamis.
'A peaceful planet until' Rachael?! Rach! You all right? What happened? Hope went mental.
She tried to get me deported.
Everything Rachael said was true.
It'll be all right.
It won't be all right! I've properly fucked it up this time.
I think I might actually lose her for good.
Right, well, we better chase after her then.
You've had enough practice.
I'm not going to put you through what's coming.
I can take it.
I know you can, but you're not going to.
I love you, OK? And I'm doing the right thing in letting you go Oh, Hannah Montana, stop it already.
What happens if Rachael's not in there but Hope is and she tries to attack you and I get caught in the crossfire? Risk I'm willing to take, Barry.
30 seconds till midnight, losers.
30, 29 You guys, it's almost time.
27, 26, 25 If we give in to our primal fears we're no better than animals! If you'd just let me have my threesome, none of this would be happening.
Shut up, Barry.
I want to stay with you, Spencer.
Maybe not until the end of my lifetime, but I'm pretty sure I could manage till the end of yours.
Technically not much of a commitment.
Hey, it's a massive fucking commitment, it's not one I make lightly.
So what do we do? I go home in a week.
Ten, nine Stop your counting! Cease this doomsdaying! Five, four, three, two It's a fuse! It's just a fuse! Everything is completely normal! It's a fuse, it's all right! It's just a blown fuse.
Everything is completely normal! And that was just a minor earth tremor! The world is not ending! Marry me.
For the green card? Yeah, and because, y'know, you love me.
And I love you.
No fucking way! So? Yes.
She's never going to speak to me again.
I don't know if that's your biggest problem right now.
What do you mean? Looks like Hope's gone off the reservation.
Don't ruin it for her.
I'm not going to ruin it, I'm just going to kill him! You're not the only one with secrets, Bobby.
You wouldn't want her to find out the truth about you.
That's my man! Hey.
Hi.
You OK? I slept with A-Rab.
Well, he's definitely not gay.
I missed you.
I missed you too.
I do hope that one day I can be an incredibly awkward and most definitely drunk guest at your civil ceremony/wedding.
Depending on the state.
Well, I hope that one day I will be able to bring my boyfriend to your second marriage and make your grandparents feel really uncomfortable.
Deal.
Deal.
Ha! We're getting married! What's the worst that could happen? I tell PJ everything you and Flynn got up to last summer.
Who really knows about it? Bobby.
Boom! The kids.
Rachael.
Best men do not always sleep with bridesmaids.
Mac.
You're doing a what in a where? And Pam obviously.
That's everyone.
Except Hope.
What the fuck is this?! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the happy couple! What? It's time to choose, Kim.
Is it gonna be me or him? This is a joke, right? If there's anyone here who knows why these two should not be wed, let them speak now.
Dreams don't always turn out the way you planned.