Best Friends Whenever (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Your fashion magazines are fascinating.
Everyone's dressed in rags.
I know it's confusing, but in this time, dressing like a peasant means you're cool.
In my time, dressing like a peasant means you're a peasant and you're going to die an early death.
Man, even shopping was a bummer in the Middle Ages.
(Laughing) (Shushing) Don't say anything! (Chuckling) I was never here! What's going on? Barry and Naldo are in the middle of an epic prank war.
A prank war? Is that anything like a land war? Kind of, but there's nothing at stake and it's a huge waste of time.
Renaldo! What a coincidence running into you in the backyard like that.
It's not a coincidence.
You ran around the front of the house, grabbed my arm and yanked me in here.
(Laughing) Oh, we sure do have some good times, don't we? Please, have a seat in this stool and no other stool.
I won't sit down until you sit down.
Fine.
We'll sit down at the same time.
(Both laughing) I put sticky on your stool! I put sticky on your butt! Wait, you put sticky on my stool? Wait, you put sticky on my butt? Both: Dang it! Oh, a prank war.
Now I get it! It's like when the town fool and the village idiot compete to be the county moron! Pretty much.
Shelby, permission to borrow your stools? Or we can just take our pants off.
Oh, take the stools, take the stools! I know it sounds crazy But time doesn't faze me Ever since it lost its hold on me Hey, hey Hung out till midnight Missed the curfew, that's all right I'm back to bed and right on time, you'll see Whenever You need me I'm right there with you Whenever There's something You wanna redo The clock is ticking but not for me I'm living in a different reality Whenever Whatever Wherever I'm right there with you I'm right there with you Hey, hey Shelby, you're never gonna believe what I found in the gas station bathroom.
I told you the last time you started a story like that, I do not wanna know.
No, no, no.
Check it out.
"Portland Underground Roller Derby"? What is that? It's like pro wrestling on roller skates, but all chicks and no mercy.
Plus, they have really clever pun names like Slay-Me Poehler and Brawley Parton.
You know the only thing I love more than girl power is celebrity puns! I'm in.
Awesome! It's all going down tonight after the mall closes.
Underground roller derby! I feel so edgy and dangerous! Let's go ask my mom for permission! No! Absolutely not.
Don't worry, Cyd, I'm an expert at negotiating with my mother.
(Whining) But mommy, please? No, I'm not letting you stay out late on a school night.
End of discussion.
Now I need to go run some errands.
You're just gonna let her walk out like that? No, I'm not just gonna let her walk out like that! Mom, could you pick up some toothpaste? I love you! What? I'm mad at my mom, not my gums.
I want to join your prank war.
Not a chance.
Oh, come on, princesses never get to do anything like this.
I want to mix it up with you commoners, you know, get my hands dirty like Archibald Swindon.
Oh, is he a prankster? No, he's a grave digger.
Filthy, filthy hands.
Daisy, we've been doing this since the fifth grade.
It's not something you just jump into.
Renaldo is right.
Prank wars are no laughing matter.
(Fart noise) (Laughing) This is serious business.
Once you start living the prank life, there's no going back.
Before long, you're chewing pepper gum just to see if you can handle it, and dropping itch powder down your own shorts.
It changes you.
Wow, Barry, that was some speech.
Put 'er there.
(Buzzing) (Vocalizing) I didn't see that coming, and I've been doing this for years.
Perhaps you're right.
I should just stick to the things princesses know best.
Planning lavish feasts, waltzing with dukes, knighting defenders of the crown Wait, wait, wait.
You can knight people? Of course.
I'm royalty.
(Chuckles) Can I have a moment? Renaldo.
If I got knighted, I could join the ranks of some of the greatest minds of all time.
Sir Isaac Newton, Sir Bill Gates.
I could be Sir Barry Eisenberg.
Imagine how good that would look on a college application or on the side of my latte.
We gotta be knights! Think about the exciting adventures we'd have.
Fighting dragons, riding unicorns, hanging with the trolls.
Renaldo, you can't do any of those things.
Yeah, because I'm not a knight yet.
Daisy, we'd like you to knight us.
So how do we do this? Well, you'd have to complete a quest, an act of bravery, and an act of chivalry.
I guess I could set something up.
Make it happen, Princess.
Renaldo, we are hereby, suspending the prank war.
In that case, don't use your toilet paper.
What did you do? Replaced it with sand paper soaked in lemon juice.
I know I should be mad, but I'm actually impressed.
And frankly, a little bit terrified.
It's so unfair my mom won't let us go to the roller derby.
Let's just go anyway.
It's easy for you to say.
You don't have to face your mom when we get caught.
True, the worst I have to deal with is an angry text from Peru.
That's why I turn my phone off when I'm acting out.
Well, I don't want to risk getting my mom's patented "I raised you better than that" look.
It's like watching Bret and Chet do yoga.
You can't unsee it.
Fine, then we'll stay home.
But we'll also go to the derby.
Oh, no, you're using your caper voice.
I don't have a caper voice! (In different voice) Here's how it's all gonna go down.
We'll sneak out and go to the derby, then we'll jump back to right now and not go to the derby, thereby both following and breaking the rules.
(Laughs wickedly) Well, I guess technically we would be obeying my mom, and we would also get to go to the roller derby.
Okay, let's do it! (High-pitched laughing) (Normal voice) What was that? That was my evil laugh.
Yeah, we gotta work on that.
(All cheering) I love this! These chicks are so tough! I heard the after party's in the emergency room.
(Crowd exclaims) Whoa, see that scrappy one throwing elbows? That's Mommy Fearest.
I heard she's the team's MVP.
Most Vicious Player.
Sweet mother of me! Mommy Fearest is Astrid! To become a knight, you must complete three rigorous challenges.
First I must ask, do you truly believe you are worthy? Both: Yes.
Wow, that challenge was hard.
I almost said no! Oh, that was just a question.
Your first challenge is a quest.
Bret and Chet's ball went over the neighbor's fence.
It's your fault we lost the ball, Bret.
You know I can't catch on my left.
That's ridiculous.
We can't both be right-handed.
You must journey next door to retrieve their treasured object.
But that's where Paintball Preston lives.
That kid's got unlimited ammo and he's not afraid to shoot you where the sun don't shine.
The bottom of the feet? That's my sensitive spot! Good luck on your quest! (Thuds) (Thuds) Barry: Oh, we're in luck.
Preston's not even here.
Naldo: Barry, that bush has a paintball gun! Barry: That's not a bush.
That's Preston! (Paintballs pelting) (Both screaming) Barry: Oh, my God! (Screaming continues) Barry: I got the ball! Let's go! (Paintball pelts) (Yelps) He shot the bottom of my feet! He's a monster! I hope Bret and Chet appreciate this.
That's a tennis ball.
There's more than one kind of ball? I can't believe a 500-year-old princess knows more about sports than you.
(Audience cheering) I'm freaking out here.
My mom is "Mommy Fearest"! (Stutters) Why wouldn't she tell us about this? Maybe she tried and I missed it.
I knew I shouldn't have unsubscribed from those notes she puts in my lunch.
I feel like I don't even know her.
What else hasn't she told us? Does she have a piercing? A criminal record? Are Bret and Chet really her kids? I mean, I can believe Bret is, but Chet? Astrid: Shelby? Cyd? What are you doing here? I specifically said you weren't allowed.
I am so disappointed.
I thought you had more respect for me than this.
That wasn't what we We didn't mean to Just go home.
We'll talk about this later.
We're about to start and suddenly I have some extra aggression to work out.
Astrid, watch out! Mom! (Groans) (Whistle blows) Sylvia Wrath and Hate-y Perry just took out your mom on purpose! The match hasn't even started yet.
I think her arm's broken! What do we do? I got it! We'll jump back and stop roller skates from ever being invented.
Or we'll stop my mom from coming here in the first place.
That is way more doable.
We have to warn her about those brawlers.
But we're back to before the roller derby.
They haven't cheap-shotted her yet.
(Sighs) You're right.
She'd never believe us.
And even if she did, she'll still know we snuck out.
Just thinking about that look she gave me makes my eyes water and my stomach get all queasy.
Like how I feel after all-you-can-eat jalapeño poppers, but less gassy.
Cyd, I think you're feeling guilty.
Are you sure? Maybe I just need to burp.
(Belching) No.
Still feel bad.
You should feel bad.
I could see that belch.
It's like cartoon stink lines came out of your mouth.
You have completed your knight's quest and faced the wrath of Paintball Preston.
(Sneezes) Oh! He shot paint up my nose! Oh, man, he got you in another place the sun don't shine.
For your second challenge, you must prove your bravery.
Where I come from, that meant sword fighting till one man was sliced like Like Bread? You guys have sliced bread? That sounds like the best thing since cubed badger! But since you cannot sword fight to the death, I had to come up with an equivalent test.
I love tests.
I even look forward to my eye exams.
Within this water are 100 bloodsucking leeches I collected from the river.
You must remove them so that Bret and Chet can have their evening soak.
But beware, leeches go straight for the eyes.
But my eyes are the windows to my face! There's no shame in backing out.
Knighthood isn't for everyone.
You know, like cowards, milksops, namby-pambies.
Nice try, Daisy.
We are knight enough to handle this.
(Both screaming) Renaldo, be careful! I had one on my face.
What about me? Do I have one on me? No, you do not have one on you.
Good, 'cause that would really gross me out.
Mmm-hmm.
(Both continue screaming) Cyd, look at her.
If we don't stop my mom from breaking her arm at the roller derby, she won't be able to clean the kitchen or do the laundry or empty the dishwasher All the things she loves to do.
Shelbs, I don't think she loves doing those things.
Then why does she spend all day doing them? Oh, hey, girls, I'm just about to go run some errands.
Wait! No, no, no, don't leave! (Stutters) I have to interview you for my "woman who inspires me most" project.
Didn't you already do that on Cyd? Dang it! Why do you have to be so wonderful? (Stammers) But I was really hoping you could whip up a batch of your famous five-hour lasagna.
Oh, Cyd, I know how much you love it.
Which is why I always keep an extra one in the freezer.
Frozen lasagna! How could something so cold make me feel so warm inside? (Stammers) No, no.
You can't leave.
(Chuckles) Shelby, what is going on with you? I, um I was wondering how you know when you've met "the one.
" Oh, sweetheart, I've seen all the boys at your school.
I promise, you haven't.
If we're going to save my mom from getting hurt, we have no choice.
We gotta break the rules.
We have to sneak down to that roller derby.
And betray the trust of the angel who made this lasagna? There's sausage on the bottom, Shelbs.
In the shape of a heart.
(Audience cheering) There they are, the brawlers that are gonna hurt my mom.
Have they gotten bigger since we realized we had to confront them? Cyd, I think it's time to let the lasagna go.
What lasagna? Oh, my gosh, I'm still holding this thing.
Cyd, we gotta get out there and stop them.
How? We can't go out there without skates.
I have some skate stuff from my ninth birthday party.
Let's jump back and get it.
Let's get out there and save my mom.
I forgot I can't skate.
And I forgot I quit skating because you can't skate.
What do we do now? Where are you going? I don't know! The skates are driving! Well done.
You've scooped up every leech.
(Screams) You've scooped up every leech.
Now, for your final knightly act, you must demonstrate chivalry, an honorable and polite way of putting a fair maiden's needs ahead of your own.
Oh, that's what chivalry means.
I already knew, but I'm putting her needs ahead of my own.
So, where are these fair maidens? I'm Fair-skin.
And I'm Maiden Portland.
You must carry them to the tub so their feet don't get soiled.
No, forget it.
I am not doing that.
(Sighs) That's okay.
Being a knight is not for everyone.
Maybe you should just go back to your little prank war.
(Coughing) Namby-pambies! Oh, no, Princess.
Warm up your dubbing hand, 'cause you're about to make yourself a couple of fresh knights.
Hop on, Bret.
I get motion sickness.
Carry me like a koala.
Renaldo, I want to switch.
I would, Barry, but I'm done.
Aw, nuts! I forgot my novel! (Groans) I can't believe how many things he forgot.
(All cheering) Okay, so the skates were a bad idea.
We have to do something.
We can't let my mom get hurt.
We have to warn her.
But then she'll know we came here even though she told us not to! She'll be disappointed in us all over again.
(Whistle blowing) They're going for my mom.
(Stutters) I'm just gonna tell her.
Shelbs, wait, I know what to do.
I always said your mom made a killer lasagna.
Cyd, that was a great line! Did you just think of that? Yes! I just opened my mouth and there it was! Come on, we gotta get out of here before your mom sees us.
(Fanfare playing) Barry, Naldo, you have proven yourselves knight-worthy.
(Both panting) We did it.
This whole day has been torture, but it's gonna be so worth it when I casually drop my title into every conversation.
I know.
Usually when people call me sir, it's like, "You forgot this, sir" or "Sir, are you lost?" Or "You can't bring a ferret into the theater, sir!" But all that's about to change.
(Exhales deeply) Please kneel to be knighted.
(Both breathing deeply) (Fart noise) (Laughing) Is this a part of the ceremony? No, Renaldo.
I think she just pranked us.
Not bad for a princess.
So all of this was just to prove that you could prank as well as us? No.
It was to prove I could prank better than you.
I'm confused.
Are we knights or not? Sorry, Naldo.
I can't actually knight people.
But you two were such great sports.
Truce? (Buzzing) (Groaning) (Laughing) You fell for it! It's your joke and you fell for it! (Laughing) Fare thee well, jesters! I'm not sure if I hate her or I'm in love with her.
That's the greatest prank of all.
C'mon, we gotta make it look like we've been here all night.
Quick, Cyd, fall asleep on your homework! I don't understand.
Your mom didn't catch us this time.
Why do I still feel guilty? You shouldn't.
We did the right thing.
And we got away with it.
Hey, girls.
How was your evening? Fine.
We didn't disobey you.
What? Stop looking at me like that, we didn't lie to your face! Cyd, sweetheart, is something wrong? Yeah.
Um, we went to the roller derby even though we knew you wouldn't want us to.
What were you two doing at the derby? Oh, we could ask you the same thing, young lady! You really want to go there right now? No, I do not.
I thought I wouldn't feel guilty about breaking the rules because my mom's not here.
But I do feel guilty.
And I think it's because I kinda do have a mom here.
I I disappointed you, Astrid.
And I'm so sorry.
Oh, Cyd.
I'm sorry too.
But why didn't you ever tell us you did roller derby? I guess I thought it might freak you out.
(Chuckling) Oh, it did.
At first, I was like, "that's my mom?" But then I was like, "That's my mom.
" You were amazing out there.
I should have known my kids would support me.
All of them.
Also, you're grounded for sneaking out.
And she's back.
Good throw, Chet.
Our ball went into Preston's yard again.
Well, only one thing we can do now.
Should we have told Barry and Naldo that we had these? No, they would have been mad at us after getting hit with all those paint balls.
I mean before they went over the fence.
Oh! Probably.